Keeping It Reality

Greetings earthlings  Blogstalkers.

Recently Ryan turned to me when we were sitting on the couch late at night (730 PM) and said, "You know, I've been thinking..."  At first I was all "Oh GREAT" because a lot of times when Ryan says that it means "I've been thinking that we could get fake pumpkins instead of real ones this year." or "I've been thinking that you should maybe bring the winter coats up from the basement instead of just wrapping a comforter around yourself to go get coffee in the morning."**

**Which is just ridiculous because my regular coats don't cover my pants-area and sometimes I don't feel like putting on real pants at pre-dawn in the morning before I've had coffee.  Plus then since I'm only wearing hideous sleep shorts and a blanket I'm much more cautious in my driving, so that I don't get pulled over by any police officers and then judged.  So basically that comforter is making the roads safer for everyone.

So usually when Ryan starts the "I've been thinking" nonsense I attempt to head him off at the pass.  I'll be like, "Well then stop, you know it's not becoming when a lady thinks too much." or "That the title of your autobiography should be "When I Was A Young Warthog"?"

And then he'll drop whatever he's going to say and instead say "Aaaaagh" and everything goes on as usual - Ryan is disgruntled and I am not berated for having what Ryan thinks are "too many kinds of lotion under the sink in our bathroom" and then getting yelled at because "this one isn't even lotion, it's frosting."

But this time I was not quick enough on my feet to come up with a witty response and so I had to listen to whatever nonsense Ryan was about to spout.  "...I've been thinking, about how your doctor always tells you that you should have a reality tv show?"**

**This is a true story, my doctor does tell me this from time to time.  I have no idea why.  Although she hasn't mentioned it recently because last time I was like, "Yes!  And then you could watch it very closely and after each episode we could have telephone conversations about if you noticed any new suspicious moles!"  And she was all, "Are you planning on being in your bathing suit a lot or something?" And Ryan was like, "No, haven't you heard? She doesn't wear pants while driving any longer."

"Well I don't think it would work."

"Why ever not, Mr. TV Producer?"

"So much of what you'd do defies explanation.  No one would understand what was going on.  Also, half of the things you say are just lyrics to The Thong Song."

I was going to argue with that but I then I remembered about how when I had been making dinner earlier that night and Ryan said, "What's for dinner" I *might* have responded "Ryan you're in luck, luck luck, Chicken thighs like what what what, All night long.  Please hand me those Tooonnnnngs."  And he was like, "What?"  And I was all *pointing* "Those tongs tongs tongs tongs tongs."

So, I started thinking, Ryan might actually be right about this one.

For example, I spent 20 minutes on the phone this morning explaining to customer service at a t-shirt place that I had not in fact misspelled the word "Morning" and really did want the shirt I had ordered to say "Top of the Lauren to You."  And also that yes, I did like the placement of the lamb on the other t-shirt.  I did understand that it was not centered.  It's that high because I want it to be over my chest.  Like a rack of lamb, get it?  Also I assure you that the pants with the pig directly on the butt are also correct.  Right.  Yes.  Pork butt.  It's a long story but basically my husband said I had to get some new driving clothes.  I know!  Driving Clothes!  It's not like I'm a 19th century dandy, RYAN.  Yes, Ryan is my husband's name.

And then I spent 20 minutes on the phone with Ryan (the baby was napping) because I had accidentally melted some of her baby spoons in the dishwasher and I was freaking out about the fumes.  And I was all, "I called my mom and she said she melted my baby stuff from time to time on accident and never "got a new dishwasher" so I should be fine.  And then I comforted myself thinking that maybe I'm only being crazy about the fumes because my brain was turned crazy by the fumes at my mom's house when I was a child, so really I shouldn't worry.  But then I was like,  WAIT! That means I should worry because the fumes could turn Fiona's brain crazy too!  And then I got stuck in a loop.  And now I'm really tired.  It's probably the fumes."

Also Ryan reminded me of the small tiff we'd had coming back from a recent wedding when I said that the volume control in his car is THE WORST.  Because one level is too soft, two levels up from that is too loud and the level in the middle is "serial killer volume".  And then went on to explain to his gaping mouth that 'serial killer volume' is the level of volume at which when you imagine a murderer in your backseat saying "Hello Lauren" over the music, it makes you uncontrollably shudder.  He was all, "It was like the most bullshit Goldilocks story ever in that car."  

And then I was like, "Is the new title of your autobiography?"

And he left me alone.

But yeah, I should probably never have a reality tv show.  Point to Ryan I guess.  

So tell me Blogstalkers, what behavior do you engage in that could never be explained away if you were to get your own reality tv show?

Also, picture of my baby.  She was 9 months old yesterday.  WHAT.



36 comments:

  1. i carry on converstaions with my pets (all 8 of them) and voice their responses with the appropriate accents and inflections.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Completely normal this is done regularly at our house too. And our cat is named "Princess Mimi of Meepland".

      Delete
    2. our most recent is winston-salem but we call him Dr. Evil because he makes us pet him like we're the claw in inspector gadget. And we have jason bateman voorhees

      Delete
    3. Ha I'm glad people beat me to it, but I was totally going to say, Wait, that's not normal? I do that with my two dogs too! Sometimes I even say, "Fiona what do you think the dogs are doing right now?" while we're out of the house and then act out what the dogs may be doing and saying.

      Delete
    4. I talk for my dog too. He's a black 80 pound lab mix, but his voice is high pitched and he mispronounces words. Also, he likes to end a lot of his sentences with "Amen." Not because he's religious, but because he's weird.
      In the name department, a friend has one of the best cat names ever: Vermithraxis, Destroyer of Worlds. But they call her Vermy for short.

      Delete
    5. We talk for our dog too. Her name is Princess Sandy Valentine, but we just call her Valentine. She is the sweetest thing, but man does she have a potty mouth. Swears like a sailor she does!!

      Delete
  2. I'm too boring for a reality TV show. Binge-watching 'Gossip Girl' (I have a thing for not watching shows until they are pretty much over) and reading Sports Illustrated probably isn't very exciting for other people. However, my dogs do like to give me new bruises everyday, so your doctor might want to watch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I binge-watched Gossip Girl at one point! Friday Night Lights was my favorite binge though. If you haven't done that one yet, I HIGHLY recommend it.

      Delete
  3. This post is freaking me out a little. Just the other night Jim and I were talking about how the things that go on in our house are hysterical, but not to anyone but us, and thus we would suck at being a TV show. (We're more of a scripted, single camera show, I think...) I mean, it's difficult to explain how I got inside his head mid mocking description of sexy clothing and said "This is going clown, isn't it?" I was right, of course. I knew he didn't mean stillettos by "big shoes." And he doubts my psychic ability. Pfft. I don't know though. Maybe "this is going clown, isn't it?" would make for a good catch phrase? I can see it on t-shirts...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That SO sounds like something that would happen around here. Ryan is always doubting my psychic abilities. Like...he never laughs when I say something funny in public. (He likes to pretend he's above my sense of humor.) But then we'll get home and I'll be like, "You liked that one, didn't you?" And he'll grudgingly admit it.

      Also, you should totally get that t-shirt made. For driving clothes.

      Delete
  4. All of the insane not "normal" things and relationships in my life are just too much for people to understand....are you kidding it took years for my husband to half understand. Like the fact that as I type I am playing fetch with my cat who is panting from playing so long. Although if I did have a show it should be called "Just Not Right".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In my head that totally sounds like an SNL sketch. "Just Not Right" And it has a theme song. It's all like da dum dee dee dum. I'm sure that describes it perfectly.

      Delete
  5. I couldn't because I narrate my life in my head and if there were cameras I would have to narrate out-loud and that ... would be bad. Also I spend far too much nose deep in a book, baby or not, to be any kind of entertaining. Plus it isn't like people would find my job as a publisher interesting to watch either... oh look she is reading another email about a manuscript... On the plus side my son is freaking adorable so there is that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So I would actually TOTALLY watch your job. I'm so fascinated by publishing and all the behind the scenes book things.

      Delete
  6. Laurie Haas10/07/2014

    I wouldn't know where to begin, since according to my husband, I am 99% ridiculous all the time. Let's start with after 27 years of marriage I decided I didn't like his name and gave him a new one. Now I ask which one of us is ridiculous? Me for renaming him or him for just accepting it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love this comment. That is all.

      Delete
  7. I talk to my two cats far too much. And then one of them, Figgie, usually responds with meows and other noises, which eggs me on. So it's not just that I talk to them, I have full conversations with them. The other one, Bunnie, is mostly silent but then I just take her silence to mean what I want it to mean and still engage her in conversation that way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When Ryan worked nights for a couple of years, pre-baby, I totally talked to my dogs all night long. So much so that I sometimes just started hearing the voices that I created for them in my head asking questions and I would shout like, "I already told you NO WE CAN NOT SHARE THE SALMON." Ryan could not get off nights soon enough.

      Delete
  8. The pets thing is probably the number 1 behavior (my cat is my widdle Mid-mid, who gets two shrimp each night for happy hour . . . yeah, it's like that), followed closely by what I can only describe as my sudden and inexplicable need to prepare and store/hoard food like the end is nigh. I have suddenly in the past two months found myself unable to resist buying a grain mill, then 100 lbs of whole wheat, rye and oat berries, then canning everything in sight, then store up more frozen/dry goods - and we're within four months of having exactly TWO adults living in our house only!!! I don't know what's happening.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dad totally gives his cats shrimp. I get it.

      And I sort of also get the hoarding of food thing. I just bought a bag of rice the size of a small couch, JUST IN CASE.

      Delete
  9. Was having a bad day.....you definitely cheered me up!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And now you've cheered me up! I was sad because I dropped my last pizza roll and the dog got it.

      Delete
  10. We would just bore people to death...but for your coffee, I suggest this:
    http://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/42359?feat=long%20down%20jacket-SR0&page=ultrawarm-coat-long
    I'm sure there are hipper versions out there, but get one now, as parenthood brings many reasons to go out in your pajama bottoms in the middle of the night in the winter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH I don't give a fig about "hip." I just want something that is as easy as a comforter to don. Looking at this coat now...

      Delete
  11. I do what @Julie ACE does only out loud. I murmur/talk to myself ALL. THE. TIME. I don't answer myself or anything but sometimes I need to talk things through and OMG get that look off your face I am NOT crazy.
    Or I talk to my 9 month old about how hard her life is while she's whining because I won't hold her sippy cup.
    "Oh I know C your life IS SO HARD. IT'S TERRIBLE."
    Crazy parent of the year!
    PS: I am totally using the "That's the title of your new autobiography?" on the Hubs from now on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. So the autobiography joke is something I used to say to Ryan like a thousand times a month in college. And I thought it was hilarious but no one else did. So I stopped. Then I was watching Brooklyn 99 because I love Andy Samberg and he TOTALLY does that joke, except with a female college and "Is the title of your sex tape." And I was like WHAT THE WHAT. So now I do that joke again.

      2. I do the same thing with Little F. Today I was like, Lunch is the worst isn't it? Don't you hate when someone makes you meatballs and then turns those meatballs into smaller meatballs for easier consumption? She was not amused.

      Delete
  12. My husband likes to write me notes from the cat on the whiteboard in the kitchen. One time he packed me a lunch for work that included a note from the cat in which she told me that she was "jellusss becuz the boy gave me tooter-fishh for lunch" yes that is exactly how it was spelled. I now refer to tuna fish as "tooter fish" and it makes me crack up every damn time. I think many people would find this very odd. We also have a running joke about Matt Patricia (Patriots Defensive coordinator) ordering pizza from the sidelines and he only gets it if the defense does well. So games can now be broken into levels according to how many toppings Patricia gets on his pizza or if he isn't getting pizza at all. Makes sense to us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH MY GOD I LOVE tooter-fishh. That made me laugh so hard.

      Delete
    2. You will never be able to eat a can of the stuff again without calling it that. You're welcome.

      Delete
    3. BAHAHAHAH tooter-fish. Amazing.

      Delete
  13. Personal life is way too boring for a reality show, but work is often interesting. I work for my county prosecutor. Today a state trooper walked in, handed me a DVD, and said "here is the recording of the naked guy getting tazed on Interstate 70".

    ReplyDelete
  14. I really wanna see a show of your spring line for driving clothes. Or even your fall line, as they sounds pretty amazing from the description above.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm not sure I have any behavior that couldn't be explained away, but I work for a city where everyone is crazy, very crazy. Plus we just had a zombie fest with the kid from the walking dead and seeing about 6000 undead ordering coffee and milling about on the street is a little unusual.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Although everyone else is talking pets and reality shows, I really just have to say I loved the part about frosting among bottles of lotion in your bathroom cabinet and the dishwasher fumes. ha ha ha! My mom used to melt stuff in there too. I can smell it now! Fi is so adorable in this pic. 9 months, time is FLYINNGGGG! She looks just like Ryan in this shot! What a cute outfit too. I want to squeeze her, but not in a bad way, just cute adorable chubby baby way :) Also, what the what is that anonymous comment two posts up??? Odd!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Unfortunately, TV takes too central role in our lives. I wish it didn't. If to look at all of this from side it becomes visible that even communicating with our closest people happens during TV watching! It is absurd how we are drawn apart from each other by this evil TV set! Anyway, thanks for a story. It was interesting to read!
    Respectfully,
    Daisy, a representative of http://jetessay.com/

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
 
Site Design By Designer Blogs