Recently Ryan turned to me when we were sitting on the couch late at night (730 PM) and said, "You know, I've been thinking..." At first I was all "Oh GREAT" because a lot of times when Ryan says that it means "I've been thinking that we could get fake pumpkins instead of real ones this year." or "I've been thinking that you should maybe bring the winter coats up from the basement instead of just wrapping a comforter around yourself to go get coffee in the morning."**
**Which is just ridiculous because my regular coats don't cover my pants-area and sometimes I don't feel like putting on real pants at pre-dawn in the morning before I've had coffee. Plus then since I'm only wearing hideous sleep shorts and a blanket I'm much more cautious in my driving, so that I don't get pulled over by any police officers and then judged. So basically that comforter is making the roads safer for everyone.
So usually when Ryan starts the "I've been thinking" nonsense I attempt to head him off at the pass. I'll be like, "Well then stop, you know it's not becoming when a lady thinks too much." or "That the title of your autobiography should be "When I Was A Young Warthog"?"
And then he'll drop whatever he's going to say and instead say "Aaaaagh" and everything goes on as usual - Ryan is disgruntled and I am not berated for having what Ryan thinks are "too many kinds of lotion under the sink in our bathroom" and then getting yelled at because "this one isn't even lotion, it's frosting."
But this time I was not quick enough on my feet to come up with a witty response and so I had to listen to whatever nonsense Ryan was about to spout. "...I've been thinking, about how your doctor always tells you that you should have a reality tv show?"**
**This is a true story, my doctor does tell me this from time to time. I have no idea why. Although she hasn't mentioned it recently because last time I was like, "Yes! And then you could watch it very closely and after each episode we could have telephone conversations about if you noticed any new suspicious moles!" And she was all, "Are you planning on being in your bathing suit a lot or something?" And Ryan was like, "No, haven't you heard? She doesn't wear pants while driving any longer."
"Well I don't think it would work."
"Why ever not, Mr. TV Producer?"
"So much of what you'd do defies explanation. No one would understand what was going on. Also, half of the things you say are just lyrics to The Thong Song."
I was going to argue with that but I then I remembered about how when I had been making dinner earlier that night and Ryan said, "What's for dinner" I *might* have responded "Ryan you're in luck, luck luck, Chicken thighs like what what what, All night long. Please hand me those Tooonnnnngs." And he was like, "What?" And I was all *pointing* "Those tongs tongs tongs tongs tongs."
So, I started thinking, Ryan might actually be right about this one.
For example, I spent 20 minutes on the phone this morning explaining to customer service at a t-shirt place that I had not in fact misspelled the word "Morning" and really did want the shirt I had ordered to say "Top of the Lauren to You." And also that yes, I did like the placement of the lamb on the other t-shirt. I did understand that it was not centered. It's that high because I want it to be over my chest. Like a rack of lamb, get it? Also I assure you that the pants with the pig directly on the butt are also correct. Right. Yes. Pork butt. It's a long story but basically my husband said I had to get some new driving clothes. I know! Driving Clothes! It's not like I'm a 19th century dandy, RYAN. Yes, Ryan is my husband's name.
And then I spent 20 minutes on the phone with Ryan (the baby was napping) because I had accidentally melted some of her baby spoons in the dishwasher and I was freaking out about the fumes. And I was all, "I called my mom and she said she melted my baby stuff from time to time on accident and never "got a new dishwasher" so I should be fine. And then I comforted myself thinking that maybe I'm only being crazy about the fumes because my brain was turned crazy by the fumes at my mom's house when I was a child, so really I shouldn't worry. But then I was like, WAIT! That means I should worry because the fumes could turn Fiona's brain crazy too! And then I got stuck in a loop. And now I'm really tired. It's probably the fumes."
Also Ryan reminded me of the small tiff we'd had coming back from a recent wedding when I said that the volume control in his car is THE WORST. Because one level is too soft, two levels up from that is too loud and the level in the middle is "serial killer volume". And then went on to explain to his gaping mouth that 'serial killer volume' is the level of volume at which when you imagine a murderer in your backseat saying "Hello Lauren" over the music, it makes you uncontrollably shudder. He was all, "It was like the most bullshit Goldilocks story ever in that car."
And then I was like, "Is the new title of your autobiography?"
And he left me alone.
But yeah, I should probably never have a reality tv show. Point to Ryan I guess.
So tell me Blogstalkers, what behavior do you engage in that could never be explained away if you were to get your own reality tv show?
Also, picture of my baby. She was 9 months old yesterday. WHAT.