The Time's Come To Play, Here In My Garden of Enchantments

Happy 99 Days Until Christmas Blogstalkers! (But I promise no Christmas posts for a quite a while yet)

I know!  It's almost Back To Yule time.  Practically time for me to start warming up the ol' Fa La Las and for Ryan to start googling "Egg Nog Recipe, Lots of Alcohol".

As exciting as all of that is though, first we have more pressing holidays to discuss.  Namely, Halloween.  Remember when I laid out my plan to get Ryan into the spirit of things?  Well today I thought I'd give you a brief update on how it's been going.

Let's jump right in then.

Sometimes Ryan rides his bike to the train.  His lock is very high tech.  It makes beeping noises and I think it has a small computer inside of it.  Computers can be hacked though so I decided to up his safety game with a new bike lock.  Because sometimes a tried and true method is the way to go.

There.  That'll keep out dirty hackers.

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Dirty hack-sawers, maybe less so.


Two Saturdays ago Ryan decided to bring Fiona to her very first Northwestern Wildcats football game.  It's always important to wear the appropriate gear to these games.


So I got Fiona dressed while Ryan went to get himself all outfitted.  I could hear him singing the Northwestern fight song to himself as he marched to the closet to grab his lucky hat.


Then I heard him stop singing.

He didn't wear either hat.  I can understand that maybe the small top hat was too formal for this particular occasion but I saw no problem with the other hat.  It was even the right colors.
 Each night, after Fiona is abed and dinner been cleared away, Ryan and I invariably end up watching terrible television (Hello Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Camp) and I invariably end up forgetting my glasses upstairs on my dresser.  And I am always like, "Ryan be a lamb and get my glasses for me."  And then he usually does.  Sometimes he pretends like he's not going to do it and I have to be all, "I'll time you, see if you can beat your time from last night,"  Then he'll run as fast as he can upstairs and grab the glasses and scamper back down while I think, "Ryan is such a child.  I wish he would be more of a grown up like me sometimes."  And then he's all, "How fast was that?"  And I'm like, "Uhhh one minute?"  And he's all, "Damn, same exact time as yesterday."

One night last week, this is what he found:


Because he is still pretending that this game I am playing does not exist, he just brought my new glasses down to me.  And then I had to wear them all night.  And pretend like I was just wearing my regular glasses.  Which was really hard because I can not see anything without my regular glasses.  It took a lot of commitment. Ryan is always saying I need to be more committed (or something like that) but it turns out he's wrong.  I have commitment in spades, RYAN.

Duckface Groucho Marx Selfie.  It's a new thing everyone is doing.
Also wearing those glasses made it difficult for me to not quote Groucho Marx all night.  Like when I went to bed I was all, "Ryan, I'm off to sleep.  I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."  And he was like, "What? That was rude.

But moving on,

Ryan gets up in the middle of the night almost every night when an alarm goes off to tell him that something or other is happening with the financial markets.  He blearily heads to the bathroom to get a drink of water and wake up a little before heading to the computer.  Last night I waited until he was asleep then set my trap.  Sure enough at three-something AM, an alarm trumpeted and Ryan stumbled out of bed into the bathroom.

And then he was all, "Ahhh what the!? It went in my mouth a little!"

Sleepily from the bed I mumbled, "That's what she said."
To better see what he was dealing with, he flipped on the light.  And then I heard a delicate whimper-scream that should only ever come out of the mouth of like..an Elizabethan porcelain doll.  It was all, "Gaaaa hoooo".

Because this:

I put it at exactly his eye level too, so it basically just turns his face into a skeleton face.
I've also scattered tiny ravens where he will definitely see them.



Replaced his keys.


Got him a new water bottle.  (And some Autumn-y beer.  I was feeling a little bad for him that day.) 


And one day I spent an hour doing this to all of our hanging pictures:








Oh and tonight?  I've installed a clapper on his bedside light.  I''ll have to tell him about it of course.  "Darling I did it for your peace of mind.  This way no ghouls or skeletons or other things that go bump in the night can catch you in the dark again."  Then I'll wait until I see him about to clap to turn his light off.

And I'll quickly be all, "Da da da da."  Before his - (*Clap Clap*)

And with the light off I'll whisper, "The Addams Family!"




P.S. Can't get enough of me?  Then check out my writing elsewhere.

An article about important things like lying, and candy.

30 comments:

  1. I really hope Ryan appreciates all the hard work you're putting in to being a wonderful wife. I mean really, this is epic-level wifing.

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    1. Yeah, I wifed him so hard.

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  2. You are an evil genius. Truly. This is...breath-takingly, stunningly, evil.

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    1. You know, I've always thought it would be lovely to be called "breathtaking" and "stunning". I guess this counts?

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  3. Please come play with me (friend of Laura & Jeremiah)
    -Heather

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    1. Welcome! And anytime. I love to play. Playing is my favorite.

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  4. Oh my! He had better really appreciate howugh effort goes into showing your love for him like that!

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    1. You know, for some reason, I don't think he does.

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  5. I bow down to the queen of Halloween. We're not worthy! We're not worthy! You rock.

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    1. Haha, I'll take it. I've always wanted to be the queen of something.

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  6. I'm pretty sure these are laughter related tears and not just tears from the ragweed that is slowly invading every single corner of my life

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    1. Well I am glad I have made you laugh through the allergies. Poor Ryan is miserable with sniffling and snuffling this week. Hence the beer. And Hence the caramel apple Oreos that I meant to give to him but then accidentally ate.

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  7. I'm not sure if I'm more impressed with your genius or his staunch commitment to ignore - you guys are inspiring!

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    1. "Ignore" is his defense against all things ridiculous. He's a hard cookie to crack when he goes into ignore mode. But I'll do it if it's the last thing I do. Maybe.

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  8. I just read this post (and the previous one) to my husband while giggling like crazy. I could tell he thought it was funny but was trying not to laugh out of sympathy for Ryan. Some sort of bro code I imagine. Lol

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    1. This made me giggle. Not laughing out of solidarity.

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  9. Lauren, I do believe that you are my spirit animal. I shall strive to live your values and lessons throughout my days. ..

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    1. So does this make me like, your Patronus?

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  10. This is Marvelous.

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    1. Why thank you! I'm quite enjoying it.

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  11. I love this! Can't wait to see more...

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  12. Well. Since you had to go all Groucho on me, I'll return the favor. "Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." (insert rim shot) That Groucho selfie is pure gold, though. I might have to steal the eyeball sticker idea to put on Jim's head in photos. He was recently told he was "an eyeball" by a 4-year-old. (He was also a robot and a juice box, but he really identified with the eyeball. I'd like to make his dream a reality.)

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  13. Okay - the clapper is the best one - please make a video - or at least record the convo haha!

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  14. These are the best ever! They make me laugh, I'm not sure I have the commitment necessary to pull it off without cracking up every time. Thank you for the updates.

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  15. Thanks for the update! Can't wait to see what you come up with next!

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  16. The "updated" photos made me laugh out loud. For reals, not in an Internet lol kind of way.

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  17. You are awesome! So creative and so funny! First, I love that picture of Fiona in her Norhtwestern gear, and her two little teeth! Eeeeeee! She looks like Ryans twin in that one. Second, I almost choked to death laughing at the replacement hats, seriously, WHY couldn't he wear the witch hat? Like you said, it was TOTALLY the right colors! HA! Love your posts, thanks for always making me laugh! --Amanda

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  18. This is all completely and utterly fabulous, but I think the best part is that you even worked in a "that's what she said." Please be my friend. (Sidebar: I bet I was at NU at the same time Ryan was! I absolutely would have worn that pointy hat to a game. Shoot, I'd do it now.)

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