I Would NEVER Walk 500 Miles. And I Would Certainly Not Then Walk 500 More.

Hello Blogstalkers,

So you know how when you experience something that seems really odd or out of place you turn to your companion and say, "Am I crazy or is this pie crust taking forever to bake?  Is this ear slightly higher than my other ear?  Does this guy on the Food Network look exactly like Jake Gyllenhaal with a beard?"  (The oven wasn't on.  It is - I have to special order my glasses now.  And he totally does, right?)

Cuban Jake.  Or "Cake".  I might like him better than Normal Jake.  Or "Nake".  Unless Normal Jake got Nake.  But then again that could also be trumped by Cuban Jake bringing Cake.  So, back to where we started then.    
But anyway, I used to say that a lot.  Until Ryan was all like, "I don't know why it's always one or the other with you.  It would make a lot more sense if you said, "Am I crazy AND did the guy in the grocery store just lick that cantaloupe?" then I could just say yes.

And of course I was severely affronted and all like, "I'll show you crazy RYAN!"and then did things I'm not proud of in public.

But these days, I'm inclined to agree with my husband.

For one, I met my new neighbor yesterday when I was outside vacuuming her porch.  (One of my plants sheds and I was politely cleaning up the detriment.  My vacuum has a very long cord.)

For another, after the check-in guy at the gym said, "I didn't see you two yesterday!" to Fiona and me this morning and I panicked that he was like tracking my gym time, I was all, "Oh haha yeah someone had a long nap yesterday.  Also if you don't see us for a while it's because we go on a lot of vacations which would also explain the increased plumpness that will probably exist upon my return."

Also I get in a fight with my scale every single morning because when I step on it the first thing it does is flash LRG LRG LRG in big red letters.  And I am all like, "NO WAY SCALE! I'VE BEEN GOING TO THE GYM AND EATING COTTAGE CHEESE!  YOU'RE FULL OF NONSENSE!"  Until Ryan reminds me, every single morning that LRG is actually just my initials these days.

And then there's this:

Ryan: Hello? This is Ryan.

Lauren: So you know how I do that time travel thing?

Ryan: What?

Lauren: You know that thing where I pretend to be myself from five or ten years ago and then travel through the future until now and then make judgements on my current self?

Ryan: Noooo I can't say I did know that you did such a thing.

Lauren: Ok well it's a thing I do.  Mostly when I'm feeling really really happy with my life and I want the often sad and anxious former-me to know that everything is going to turn out just grand.

Ryan: Lauren, that doesn't even make any sense.

Lauren: It does get a bit confusing.  Especially since I've done this forever and so there are like a hundred versions of me hurtling through time and space exclaiming things like, "Look at all the bras you've got now!" and "That one's yellow!"

Ryan: This is the most ridiculous thing you've told me in a long time.  First of all, if you could time travel, why would you choose, of all the times and places in the universe, to just spend normal everyday time with yourself five years into the future?

Lauren: I don't know RYAN, why don't you tell me?  Seeing as you're the one that has chosen to spend all of his futures with me.

Ryan: Ok fine.

Lauren: Also I don't exactly travel forward in time, I like, first go back in time in my head and become my old self and then just travel to today and glance around a bit and think, "This seems nice." And maybe walk around on any new soft rugs and say, "Ooooh soft rug."  Mainly.

Ryan:  Mainly?

Lauren: Yes, until today.  Because I was at lunch with my dad and I wasn't even trying to play the time travel game and there I was just absentmindedly sucking the last of my cottage cheese off of the piece of lettuce it had been served on when suddenly I accidentally started playing the time traveling game or whatever and then Lauren-of-times-gone-by was there laughing at me and thinking I was ridiculous.  And so I was like, "Get out of here!" Not very loudly but it did happen to be just as the waitress was coming back over and I didn't know if she heard but if she did she clearly was going to think I was talking to her so I just continued with, "I love your blouse! Get out of town!"  And it was obviously a uniform top.  It was terrible.

Ryan: What is your point with all of this, because, let me remind you, I'm at my very first day of a new job right now.

Lauren: Oh nothing, I just wanted to let you know that I think I might actually be going crazy.

Ryan: Huh.  I always thought it would be a doctor of some sort that called me to tell me you were actually crazy now.

Lauren: Rude.  This is what I get when I am being a concerned wife who I just remember now really just called to see how it went with the wart doctor?

Ryan: Podiatrist.

Lauren: Right, that dude.

Ryan: He just lasered the little spot and that was it.

Lauren: Did he have any guesses on where you could have acquired such a disgusting malady?  Are you slowly turning into a warthog?  Are you going to start clearing the Savannah after every meal?

Ryan: He said, "You probably got it from your wife, she sounds like she's got a lot of warts."

Lauren: Dammit RYAN.  Just for that I'm staying on the phone with you longer.

Ryan: I'm eating lunch so whatever.

Lauren: I don't really have anything else to talk about…I had a completely normal run-in with the gym guy this morning but that's not interesting.  Oh! I met the new neighbor.  She seems nice.

Lauren: Oh I know! Something else weird I do, whenever I'm using the GPS in the car to get anywhere I decide in my head how close I have to get before, if the car, like…disappeared or something, I would be willing to walk to my destination instead of just giving up.

Ryan: Huh?

Lauren: Well, like if I'm driving to the bookstore, as soon as the GPS hits 2.9 miles to destination I shout "Walking Distance Fiona!" but if I'm going to buy you new white t-shirts, like I was yesterday it takes until I'm about .5 miles away before I'll even consider schlepping the rest of the way on foot.  And don't even get me started on if I'm going to the gym.

Ryan: You wouldn't walk half a mile to get to the gym?

Lauren: Well it's exactly like eating candy before dinner.  It would spoil it.  Oh ugh, bad metaphor, comparing the gym to things I love.  That's sort of maligning candy and dinner...It's only like that if candy tasted like wormchops and dinner was stewed yarn.

Ryan:  You hate the gym that much?

Lauren: The power has gone out 50% of the times I've been there and then I have to leave without working out!

Ryan: The power went out one time.

Lauren: Yes.  Well.  Exactly.

Ryan: And you could have stayed, I'm pretty sure it went back on 7 minutes later.

Lauren: I wouldn't know.  I was already driving home at that point.  With GPS.  It said 4.3 miles til home.  "Walking Distance, Fiona!"

Ryan: You are crazy.

Lauren: I told you.

And later:

Ryan: Hello? This is Ryan.

Lauren: Remember yesterday when I made way too many butterscotch bars and I didn't want to eat them and so I was trying to figure out how to get rid of them?

Ryan:  Hi Lauren.

Lauren: I just realized that I should have given them to the new neighbors.  Fiona and I could have set up a little FREE BUTTERSCOTCH BARS! stand.  But it's too late now.  I've already given them to my sister.

Ryan: What do you want exactly?

Lauren: Do you think it would be crazy if I put a sign on the front door that said, "Free Butterscotch Bars Yesterday"?  Because of how it's the thought that counts?

Ryan:  Yes.

Lauren: Yes I thought so too.  Just wanted to check.  Well, I've got to go, work to be done.

P.S. Please leave a comment? Comments are my bread and butter.  Except I can't eat bread and butter any longer because I'm on a diet, if you had not noticed…pfft.

P.P.S. Sometimes I write places that are not this blog.  This is one of those sometimes-es.  Life With Shorty - A Humorous Take on Raising my Daughter.  Check it out if you're not totally sick of me yet today.

P.P.P.S I mention that I'm like 5'8'-ish in the article which has already gotten some surprised reactions on The Facebook because everyone thought I was short apparently.  My brand new doctor's office (we moved) told me I was 5'7.5" just this month, which seemed taller than normal, but they are medical professionals, so that's why I wrote 5'8"ish.  But then I measured myself today after everyone was all incredulous and I personally got something more like 5'6.5".  And I can't exactly start out the new doctor-patient relationship by calling and saying, "I just have a medical question.  How tall am I?"  So I'm going with my measurement for now.  So I totally apologize for sort-of-exaggerating how tall I am in the article?  I'm also sorry for not really knowing how tall I am.  That seems like something a respectable person should know.

ALL THE Ps. S.  By request, a picture of my baby.  She doesn't usually wear headbands but she was feeling fancy.  She often wears fruit shorts.  We have watermelons too.


  1. Free Butterscotch Bars Yesterday would allow more people to play the time travel game, and how could that possibly go wrong?

    1. It couldn't! Problem solved! Making sign now. That is the last time I trust Ryan about things.

  2. As requested, this is a comment.

    If RYAN is becoming a warthog please make sure to take pictures and document the process. Especially if he grows tusks.

    I absolutely, 100%, know how you could have gotten rid of your Butterscotch Bars. Loyal readers LOVE when their favorite bloggers bribe them with baked goods. I know a few who would have been happy to help!

    1. I hope they're ivory tusks. Then I can poach him and sell the tusks for money. Or make a fantastic piano or something. You know, something totally worth poaching my husband for.

      I should have put the bars on your plate and brought them both back to you! I am not quick on my feet these days.

  3. This is full of so much awesome...I don't even know what to say.

  4. I feel you on the diet thing.

    What kind of diet are you on? I've started the Atkins Diet. My husband used it when he got out of college or High School or something like that and lost a lot of weight. So yeah.

    1. I'm still nursing the infant daughter so I'm just on a DON'T EAT TWO CHIPOTLE BURRITOS diet. I actually did that once. It was horrifying. Ryan tells people about it all the time. I mainly just try to stay between 1500 and 1800 calories of healthy good stuff a day. It's not too tough but it does mean no more half-cakes.

  5. You're hilarious. And awesome. This was fantastic.

  6. If I was playing the Time Travel game, my past self would be really content with present self because I got to ready TWO new blog posts from you today and that's pretty great.

    Also, I am also always paranoid that the gym sign-in guy was tracking my workouts...y'know, back when I used to go to the gym. Now I just pretend to do yoga at home but the cat gets in the way.

    And without being a total creepy stalker, I'm curious where you moved to. Not like, an address (because there are creepy stalkers out there), but if you left Chicago. I've always liked hearing about your adventures in our shared city.

    1. I'm only a little ashamed to say that part of the reason I go to the gym every single day now (except Saturdays and Sundays because those are not appropriate gym days) is that they have amazing childcare and watch fussy little teething Fiona for 33 minutes while I regroup. Otherwise it would totally be yoga at home.

      And we just moved to the suburbs of Chicago! I don't think we'll ever fully leave the Chicagoland area. And Ryan still works in the city and Fiona and I drive there quite a bit for museums and stuff so there will still be city adventures!

  7. For pretty much my entire adult life I've thought I was 5'3". But then the last several times I went to the doctor, they kept saying I was 5'4". And every single time I just assumed their thing was set up wrong, or they were so rushed they weren't looking that carefully, whatever... until finally I was like, "Hmm, they've been consistently wrong for years now, maybe it's me who's wrong." So I carefully (with the help of my husband) measured myself at home... and, sure enough, 5'4". (Actually, 5' 4 1/2".)

    Adjusting to the fact that I'm a whole inch and a half taller than I thought I was has been harder than most people might think.

    1. Oh thank goodness I'm not the only one who sort of didn't know how tall they were. I've always said "around 5'7" when asked, which it turns out is true, but I totally believed my doctor when she said I was actually taller than that because I was never really sure.

      Oh well.

      Learn something new every day. It's not usually how tall you are, but whatever.

  8. You honestly lost me for a bit, but they may be because my kids are too loud right now. Yep. it's totally them and not you.

    Anyway...the part that I did manage to understand? Fiona = short. Fiona's parents = not so short.
    True story here... Im short. Well, that's what other people say. I measure in at 5'3.75" (I usually just say 5'4...) and the husband is so darn tall at 5'7" (not so tall.. *sniff*) Every check up with my first born I was asked how tall his father was (even with DH standing there) because he was 75% for height and they too deemed me as height challenged. Then comes Autumn. Oh Autumn. Autumn has consistently been 90-100% for height. Even now at 19 months. I assume they will grow up to be not so tall people. Truly. I mean, Autumn *may* take after her fathers sister and be all giant-like , but I have grand hopes that doesn't happen honestly (Autumn does have ginormous feet like said aunt though.... *sniffsniff*)
    My niece, however, comes from 2 tallish parents (5'8 & 6'1) and was always in the 3-5% for height. She's 7 now and happily in the 50%.

    PS-Hopefully I didn't just crush your dreams of being a leprechauns mother.
    PPS- Im so happy to see a post from you!
    PPS- I may have Instagram stalked you. I didn't know such large boxes of Jelly Belly's existed!

    1. First and foremost, there are even larger boxes of Jelly Bellys. I have seen them personally.

      Fiona is in like the lower 15% for height right now and has the ittiest bittiest feet of all time. I don't usually throw shoes on the girl, since she's not walking or anything, but she's still firmly wearing the newborn sizes when I do for special occasions and such. I actually was pretty short all through junior high and most of high school. I grew like four inches as a 17 year old and then another 2 as a 19 year old in college. I know this because all of my pants got too short and for a while I just thought I shrunk them all but it turns out that was not the case. So who knows where Fiona'll end up. It'll either be short or tall or in the middle.

  9. Comment.

    Also, as a side note, all future baked goods that need a home should come to me. Always. My home is a baked good rescue haven.

    1. I shall remember this henceforth. I'm making banana cake tomorrow, shall I just post it to you then?

  10. Can I please be a fly on the wall at your house? I would love to watch the 2 of you during these conversations. You are probably one of the funniest bloggers out there. :)

    1. This comment totally made my night! Though I do have to admit that we are BORING BORING BORING 90% of the time. Like right now for example, Ryan is already in bed and I am researching who is on all the late night shows tonight so I know who to watch at 1030 when I stop reading and the lights go out. Lame-o.

  11. I just want to applaud your using Lion King quotes and references in everyday conversation.
    Explanatory fun fact: I have a Simba tattoo.

    Also two post in one day is spoiling us. I like it.

    1. Another fun fact: My little sister and her best friend have "Hakuna" and "Matata" tattooed on the sides of one of their fingers.

      And don't get used to the two post thing! Fiona had lots of long naps yesterday and today so I was JUST able to get it done. But who knows when that'll happen again.

  12. One time when I went to pick up my kid from the kid care the worker asked me "done already?" Rude.

    So glad to see new posts! You're awesome and your baby is adorable!

    1. They totally say that to me all the time! Or rather it's, "Wow, you're quick!" Which got old fast so now I just want to say, "Yeah I run a 6 minute mile, so I just ran 5 miles really fast today, no big deal." But I don't. I should work out longer but I'm always so afraid Fiona will fall asleep in the swing or something then and THERE GOES MY AFTERNOON NAP. Or hers rather. My time to clean the house.

  13. Well I had a pretty xrappy Wednesday and this made it all better. If i come to Chicago next year can we have lunch and a baby date and it not be weird or stalkery? That'd be great!

    1. We totally can do that! Not creepy at all.

  14. So happy to be able to read 2 posts in one day!!! You are awesome!

    1. Thanks! You are awesome right back at you.

      Full of sense tonight, I am.

  15. Ryan is a sensitive soul, though he seems thick-skinned. And the blogstalkers would know since Ryan has an aversion to wearing shirts.

    1. Haha, caught The Lion King reference then did you? And he totally does. He's all tanned and leathery on his shirt areas.

  16. Since you invoked the name of Gyllenhaal, did I ever tell you about all the Jake Gyllenhaals we have on our Christmas tree? Hallmark made a Prince of Persia ornament one year and it didn't sell, so my husband decided to buy like 5 of them when they were on clearance for a dollar. Now we celebrate the birth of Christ with a treeful of Gyllenhaal. It's very merry indeed.

    1. I knew nothing of this tree! Which I find terrible since I know about all of your other trees! Now I'm going to have to come see it. Nothing can stop me. Tell Jim I'll be there for dinner on December 15th. Or something.

  17. That TOTALLY is Cake... yum, he can be in my kitchen anytime. Although I have a suspicion my dear hubby wouldn't be as in love.

    And how short is 'short'? I mean, 5'2"? 4'11"? At least she'll always be shorter than you and seem like your child, right? She won't outgrow you at 12 like I did for my mom. That was not fun, for me, because I grew 6 inches in 6 months. I've heard that the measurement at 24 months is supposed to say 'for sure' your adult height.

    Anywho, here's another short nickname (my best friend in high school was 4'11"): Short Story (because we lived in California and she wasn't tall enough to be an 'essay'). Also: Smurfette, she was blond and busty so it worked.

  18. Thanks for making me laugh, as always. Especially "That one's yellow!" and "Walking Distance Fiona!" got me today. Walking distance is always relative to the award, it only makes sense.

    I don't know how tall I am either. Last time I renewed my passport and they asked me my height I said 5'6'', and they were like "But your old one says 5'7''?" Apparently 5'6''-ish isn't acceptable on passports.

  19. I think my comment just went into cyberspace. Here is the summary:
    You made my craptastic day better. Loved the post on Mom.me. Hope you like your new house.
    Fiona is too cute for words.

  20. So nice to have you back! Fiona looks fabu! xoxo

  21. I say totally go for it with the butterscotch sign. It will only help your neighbors to know you better, plus, if I lived next-door to a lady who vacuums my porch and can apparently time-travel back and forth for tasty treats and self-judgement, I'd totally say hello.

    But that's just me.

  22. I would like to nibble and sniff your Fiona. Sorry, but I am the mother to 4 teenage boys. They are smelly and annoying. No longer nibblable. Also, thank you for writing. I've missed you. You make me laugh. A lot. My doctor's office is always telling the boys and I we are shorter than we are. We are short people. Stop telling us we are even shorter!!! (I'm 5'1")

  23. I just got back rom vacation to this delightful surprise. You definitely made having to go back to work today more bearable!

  24. 1. Excuse me miss Tall Person, I think I have to reevaluate my entire life.
    2. The jake-cake-nake made me snort laugh during my commute. The cute guy with whom I have daily conversations in my head looked startled. But I have not given up on our budding romance.
    3. My gym just started this horrible thing where they will only let you in if you forget your membership card after you've taken 20 push ups. Seriously, if I were able to do 20 push ups I would not have the need to go to the gym. Duh

  25. After I had Max (Jan 29 of this year, hello kid birthday month twinsies!), I decided I was going to lose all of the baby weight... by breast feeding. Hurrah! And still eating cookies 3x a day. Then my doc told me to cut out the cookies. So I did, mostly. But not the beer - take that, lady doc! And I more or less look the same as my curvy self before. In conclusion, you shouldn't go on a diet, you should be your wonderful self. And try walking at least the .5 mi to somewhere that motivates you.


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