So you know how when you experience something that seems really odd or out of place you turn to your companion and say, "Am I crazy or is this pie crust taking forever to bake? Is this ear slightly higher than my other ear? Does this guy on the Food Network look exactly like Jake Gyllenhaal with a beard?" (The oven wasn't on. It is - I have to special order my glasses now. And he totally does, right?)
|Cuban Jake. Or "Cake". I might like him better than Normal Jake. Or "Nake". Unless Normal Jake got Nake. But then again that could also be trumped by Cuban Jake bringing Cake. So, back to where we started then.|
And of course I was severely affronted and all like, "I'll show you crazy RYAN!"and then did things I'm not proud of in public.
But these days, I'm inclined to agree with my husband.
For one, I met my new neighbor yesterday when I was outside vacuuming her porch. (One of my plants sheds and I was politely cleaning up the detriment. My vacuum has a very long cord.)
For another, after the check-in guy at the gym said, "I didn't see you two yesterday!" to Fiona and me this morning and I panicked that he was like tracking my gym time, I was all, "Oh haha yeah someone had a long nap yesterday. Also if you don't see us for a while it's because we go on a lot of vacations which would also explain the increased plumpness that will probably exist upon my return."
Also I get in a fight with my scale every single morning because when I step on it the first thing it does is flash LRG LRG LRG in big red letters. And I am all like, "NO WAY SCALE! I'VE BEEN GOING TO THE GYM AND EATING COTTAGE CHEESE! YOU'RE FULL OF NONSENSE!" Until Ryan reminds me, every single morning that LRG is actually just my initials these days.
And then there's this:
Ryan: Hello? This is Ryan.
Lauren: So you know how I do that time travel thing?
Lauren: You know that thing where I pretend to be myself from five or ten years ago and then travel through the future until now and then make judgements on my current self?
Ryan: Noooo I can't say I did know that you did such a thing.
Lauren: Ok well it's a thing I do. Mostly when I'm feeling really really happy with my life and I want the often sad and anxious former-me to know that everything is going to turn out just grand.
Ryan: Lauren, that doesn't even make any sense.
Lauren: It does get a bit confusing. Especially since I've done this forever and so there are like a hundred versions of me hurtling through time and space exclaiming things like, "Look at all the bras you've got now!" and "That one's yellow!"
Ryan: This is the most ridiculous thing you've told me in a long time. First of all, if you could time travel, why would you choose, of all the times and places in the universe, to just spend normal everyday time with yourself five years into the future?
Lauren: I don't know RYAN, why don't you tell me? Seeing as you're the one that has chosen to spend all of his futures with me.
Ryan: Ok fine.
Lauren: Also I don't exactly travel forward in time, I like, first go back in time in my head and become my old self and then just travel to today and glance around a bit and think, "This seems nice." And maybe walk around on any new soft rugs and say, "Ooooh soft rug." Mainly.
Lauren: Yes, until today. Because I was at lunch with my dad and I wasn't even trying to play the time travel game and there I was just absentmindedly sucking the last of my cottage cheese off of the piece of lettuce it had been served on when suddenly I accidentally started playing the time traveling game or whatever and then Lauren-of-times-gone-by was there laughing at me and thinking I was ridiculous. And so I was like, "Get out of here!" Not very loudly but it did happen to be just as the waitress was coming back over and I didn't know if she heard but if she did she clearly was going to think I was talking to her so I just continued with, "I love your blouse! Get out of town!" And it was obviously a uniform top. It was terrible.
Ryan: What is your point with all of this, because, let me remind you, I'm at my very first day of a new job right now.
Lauren: Oh nothing, I just wanted to let you know that I think I might actually be going crazy.
Ryan: Huh. I always thought it would be a doctor of some sort that called me to tell me you were actually crazy now.
Lauren: Rude. This is what I get when I am being a concerned wife who I just remember now really just called to see how it went with the wart doctor?
Lauren: Right, that dude.
Ryan: He just lasered the little spot and that was it.
Lauren: Did he have any guesses on where you could have acquired such a disgusting malady? Are you slowly turning into a warthog? Are you going to start clearing the Savannah after every meal?
Ryan: He said, "You probably got it from your wife, she sounds like she's got a lot of warts."
Lauren: Dammit RYAN. Just for that I'm staying on the phone with you longer.
Ryan: I'm eating lunch so whatever.
Lauren: I don't really have anything else to talk about…I had a completely normal run-in with the gym guy this morning but that's not interesting. Oh! I met the new neighbor. She seems nice.
Lauren: Oh I know! Something else weird I do, whenever I'm using the GPS in the car to get anywhere I decide in my head how close I have to get before, if the car, like…disappeared or something, I would be willing to walk to my destination instead of just giving up.
Lauren: Well, like if I'm driving to the bookstore, as soon as the GPS hits 2.9 miles to destination I shout "Walking Distance Fiona!" but if I'm going to buy you new white t-shirts, like I was yesterday it takes until I'm about .5 miles away before I'll even consider schlepping the rest of the way on foot. And don't even get me started on if I'm going to the gym.
Ryan: You wouldn't walk half a mile to get to the gym?
Lauren: Well it's exactly like eating candy before dinner. It would spoil it. Oh ugh, bad metaphor, comparing the gym to things I love. That's sort of maligning candy and dinner...It's only like that if candy tasted like wormchops and dinner was stewed yarn.
Ryan: You hate the gym that much?
Lauren: The power has gone out 50% of the times I've been there and then I have to leave without working out!
Ryan: The power went out one time.
Lauren: Yes. Well. Exactly.
Ryan: And you could have stayed, I'm pretty sure it went back on 7 minutes later.
Lauren: I wouldn't know. I was already driving home at that point. With GPS. It said 4.3 miles til home. "Walking Distance, Fiona!"
Ryan: You are crazy.
Lauren: I told you.
Ryan: Hello? This is Ryan.
Lauren: Remember yesterday when I made way too many butterscotch bars and I didn't want to eat them and so I was trying to figure out how to get rid of them?
Ryan: Hi Lauren.
Lauren: I just realized that I should have given them to the new neighbors. Fiona and I could have set up a little FREE BUTTERSCOTCH BARS! stand. But it's too late now. I've already given them to my sister.
Ryan: What do you want exactly?
Lauren: Do you think it would be crazy if I put a sign on the front door that said, "Free Butterscotch Bars Yesterday"? Because of how it's the thought that counts?
Lauren: Yes I thought so too. Just wanted to check. Well, I've got to go, work to be done.
P.S. Please leave a comment? Comments are my bread and butter. Except I can't eat bread and butter any longer because I'm on a diet, if you had not noticed…pfft.
P.P.S. Sometimes I write places that are not this blog. This is one of those sometimes-es. Life With Shorty - A Humorous Take on Raising my Daughter. Check it out if you're not totally sick of me yet today.
P.P.P.S I mention that I'm like 5'8'-ish in the article which has already gotten some surprised reactions on The Facebook because everyone thought I was short apparently. My brand new doctor's office (we moved) told me I was 5'7.5" just this month, which seemed taller than normal, but they are medical professionals, so that's why I wrote 5'8"ish. But then I measured myself today after everyone was all incredulous and I personally got something more like 5'6.5". And I can't exactly start out the new doctor-patient relationship by calling and saying, "I just have a medical question. How tall am I?" So I'm going with my measurement for now. So I totally apologize for sort-of-exaggerating how tall I am in the article? I'm also sorry for not really knowing how tall I am. That seems like something a respectable person should know.
ALL THE Ps. S. By request, a picture of my baby. She doesn't usually wear headbands but she was feeling fancy. She often wears fruit shorts. We have watermelons too.