Reflections On A Particular Sticky Situation.

Hiya Blogstalkers.

This past weekend Ryan and I were out running exciting errands (The Container Store, Home Depot, Comcast, etc.) and we were finally read to get our butts home and sit on the couch for the rest of the evening when I remembered that we needed to stop at a specialty foods store near our house for hominy (a corn-like food) for the Pozole (a Mexican stew) I was making for dinner that night.

As with each of the other places we'd been to, as soon as I set foot inside, I needed to use the washroom.  So I sent Ryan to find the hominy and waddled off myself in search of a ladies' room.

As this was a small store, the restrooms were also quite tiny.  There was a larger handicapped stall but it was being cleaned by an employee, so I turned to the other option available.  It did seem rather cramped and walking in frontwards or bumpwards, as it may be, turned out to be impossible, though I did try a number of times to maneuver my 31-weeks-pregnant self into what really can only be described as a toilet niche.

I even attempted to clap my hands together over my head and do a genie wiggle to get into the space because everyone knows genies are always fitting into tiny bottles and if you've watched a genie for even like one minute, you know a clap and a wiggle always does the trick.

Unfortunately at this point it seemed like nothing was going to get me into the bathroom.   

Then I remembered that there was another person in the room.

"I'll be done cleaning this stall in a couple of minutes," she said, "If you want to wait or come back."

But you guys, waiting five minutes at this point was like, just not an option.  So I politely told her to take her time and assured her I was fine and dandy and always able to fit into bathrooms in the past, so really I was not worried about this one.  It was a challenge yes.  But not an insurmountable one, surely.

So finally, as I am a very smart and always-thinking-things-through-completely girl, employing a vast and impressive amount of ingenuity, I was finally able to push the door all the way in and then turn to the side and suck it in and squish myself against the wall and chant "Hominy Hominy Hominy" under my breath until I popped into the stall.

"Lauren Gallagher, you are one smooth criminal," I told myself in my head and also accidentally out loud once I was firmly ensconced in the tiny booth.

Then I remembered that there was another person in the room.

"That's just an expression! I didn't commit any crimes just now!" I told the girl through the wall of the stall.  "My bump is all baby and absolutely zero stolen trouts and broccolis, haha."

Then I did what one does in bathrooms and swung the door open to leave...right into my stomach.  "Oh right," I thought, "Have to go sideways."  But for some reason that was not working either.  I was like, NOT EVEN CLOSE to squeezing myself out of the water closet.

So I briefly tried standing on the toilet and then swinging the door in and then jumping out but that didn't work either.  I just kept ending up standing on the tile with the door banging shut in front of me.

Then I remembered that there was another person in the room.

"Umm excuse me," I said aloud, giggling nervously, "I seem to be wedged in this tiny stall through no fault of my own."

"Can you climb under the door? Or into the adjoining stall?" Came the response.

I was immediately hopeful but there was only about six inches of space between the floors and the bottoms of the stall doors/walls so that was clearly not going to work.

"I don't think so," I responded. "Though it was flattering of you to suggest such a thing."

"Well then how about you take some of those fish out from under your shirt and try the door again?"

"Huh?" I looked around confusedly for fish..."Oh! Hey! You know those were fictional trouts!"

At this point Ryan is texting me all "I'm right outside waiting.  Everything alright in there?"

"No!" I text back. "I'm having unaccommodating commode issues!" "Through no fault of my own!" "Come in here and help!"

And then he's all, "Please Lauren, let's leave some mystery in this relationship."  But I ignore him because the sweet employee girl has grasped ahold of my texting arm and is pulling me slowly out of the bathroom.

And I am all, "I can feel this working!"

To which Ryan texts, "I heard that.  I'll just stay put then."

And sure enough I soon spring forward into the relative freeness of the main restroom space and the excellent employee girl and I share an exuberant high five.

Then I gather myself together and say "Thank you for your assistance.  You are lovely.  This sort of thing never always happens to me."

And she's all, "Hey no problem, highlight of my day."

And then the rescue was complete and everyone's day went back to normal.

Tra La La.  My life is like a fairy tale princess's life.

Now I must go write a letter to the boss of the specialty foods store about his seriously marvelous employee.     

I'll announce a giveaway winner tomorrow!

14 comments:

  1. I'm now terrified of this happening to me. I'm not even pregnant! Also, loved the "never always happens to me," wondering if she caught that.

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  2. You know something? If F-U Mensa were a real thing, you'd have had butter in your handbag, which would have come in handy for "buttering yourself" out of the stall. I'm just saying.

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    Replies
    1. Since you've mentioned that, I now think she needs a stick of emergency crisco on hand at all times.

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    2. She really does. Lauren, are you listening?! Crisco is a better option, it doesn't need refrigeration.

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    3. What about the non-stick oil that comes in aerosols. Then she could apply it all in quick fashion, like a spray tan. And passers-by would just think she was freshening up with some spray-on deodorant, whereas actually she wad negotiating a tight doorway

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  3. I adore you Lauren. I adore you so much.

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  4. I should know better than to read about your escapades while at work. However, today the one redeeming factor is that I am at least on lunch now and cackling to myself

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  5. You are superfly genie Lauren.

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  6. So I now have this mental image of you dancing like Christina Aguilera (from Genie in a bottle) trying to get into the stall when suddenly a school of trout are swimming around your feet. Thankfully I now have my own office at work...

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  7. At the bottom of your post there are links to "other posts you may like" and one of them happened to be a picture of Justin Timberlake, and all I could think of was that with only Ryan outside the door, you may have been stuck in there until the day you delivered. (though - you would have been stuck in a space with a toilet, which is seems you currently need a lot, and in a store than has lots of yummy things to feed you. So there are worse fates one would assume). However. The picture still made me think "hey, I bet if suddenly Justin Timberlake were outside, there would have been no delicate maneuvering. You totally would have busted out of that stall all gangsta like! (Ryan may say like an elephant busting through a fence, but that is because he is rude. RYAN! I picture more like a gangsta ballerina. A gangsta ballerina with a noticeable baby bump and serious JT stalking skillz, but still, a ballerina nonetheless).

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  8. You make me laugh, Lauren. Thank you. I particularly loved "This sort of thing never always happens to me," as I have said exactly the same thing to people who then look at me like I'm insane once they figure out what I said.

    Also, can you share your Pozole recipe? I haven't had any since I lived in Delaware and it was one of my favorite soups in the world!

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  9. With my second gigantic baby (seriously he was 10lbs 13 oz). I was huge. Like stadium sized, I think we threw a tailgate in the breakroom once. Anyway one day at work (was a a grocery clerk at the time) in the middle of ringing this lady up my son kicked. He aimed perfectly, catching the shirt at the most strained button just above my waistband. The button flew like a mini-atom bomb straight at the customer. I watched in horror as is grazed her nose hitting her cheekbone and finally settling deep into her pronounced cleavage. There was a super awkward pause until I mumbled something about her keeping it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he is a giant flirt got down some lady's shirt in utero...

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  10. in high school, one of my classmates went to the bathroom during a Math class (who can blame her) and when she was gone for longer than 20 minutes, the teacher sent someone after her. it turned out that she got locked in the bathroom cubicle and while trying to climb out of it *over the door* (the door wasn't fixed into a wall on the upper side so there was a lot of space between the ceiling and the door), she kind of managed to sprain her ankle. no surprises there, I would do a lot worse trying to do what she did. I'm glad you managed to get yourself out of the bathroom unharmed =D

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  11. Oh, Lauren. This story made me happy. I love your way of dealing with the situations you get into (through no fault of your own).

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