I've Always Wanted To Do A Swan Song. So Much So, That One Time At The Zoo, I Saw A Swan And Then Made The Noise I Thought That Swan Would Make. Ryan Said That Didn't Count.

Hello lovely Blogstalkers.

So I really dislike writing this post and if you enjoy reading my blog then you might dislike reading it.

If you think this site is ridiculous (it is!) and only visit for scoffing purposes and sometimes find yourself hoping that if I am going to Starbucks to get pumpkin bread, that they will be out of pumpkin bread, then this might be right up your alley.

Basically, I'm going to take a little hiatus from blogging.

And now, whichever camp you fall into, you're all like "But Lauren, you have already been doing that for quite a while, you almost never update any longer."  And that is a true story.  So I guess this is just a formal announcement.

My reasons for this are manyfold and I'll try to enumerate a couple of them now.

1. Obviously I am pregnant.  This in itself doesn't really keep me from blogging.  The fact that the pregnancy has brought with it seemingly never-ending morning sickness does not help and the additional fact that the baby and I have somehow worked in tandem this last week to dislocate one of my ribs also does not help.  With how often I damage my bones, you'd swear they were made of white chocolate.  And now I kind of want to gnaw on my finger a little to see if that is true....which brings me to my next point.

2. I don't use the word 'crazy' lightly but I am pretty sure I am going crazy.  I've mentioned that being pregnant, I'm not taking any of my normal anxiety and depression drugs.  I like to think I stuck it out drug free pretty well for the first two trimesters.  But now it's all catching up with me.  Like today?  I ran around the parking lot at the grocery store grinding ground grapes (which are basically regular grapes that someone has dropped on the ground) into grape juice with my shoe because I saw them and then got all worried that a dog would eat the grapes.  Because grapes are POISON to dogs.  And I'll admit it's POSSIBLE that I would have done the exact same thing even heavily medicated because grapes and raisins are a big worry of mine basically all of the time, but it felt like a crazy thing to be doing.  Also, panic attacks and a never ending fear that world is going to just come to an end before I get to meet this baby.  I hate feeling anxious and it's not good for me to feel anxious and I'm at the point that I'm almost constantly anxious.  So I'm trying to cut down on any and all forms of stress at the moment.

3. Which leads into reason number three.  I started this blog because I was newly married and had SO MANY THINGS to talk about and Ryan was all, "I don't care that you found one really long hair on your calf today in the shower and no I do not want to speculate on whether it just grew really fast or if you missed it shaving "like a thousand times"".  And so I told you all of that extremely interesting stuff.  And now?  I find myself struggling for extremely interesting stuff about which to write.  I just feel like...I've lost my writing mojo for the moment.  Like for example, I swore up and down I would never use the word 'mojo' in my writing and just recently I broke that rule.  It's really not that I have nothing left to put down on paper.  (And even if I did, I think we all know I can be pretty excellent at writing about absolutely nothing from time to time.)  It's just that nothing is coming out right.  And it's all a struggle and I actually get nervous to sit down at my computer and try to pound out a post.  And once I do actually write something and click 'post' I usually hate the post and sit around judging myself for a couple of days until I start to feel guilty for not posting more and start the cycle all over again.

I think a break might restore my perspective on blogging.  It might remind me that I've been lucky to have a miniscule amount of success with all of this and I think it'll definitely remind me about how much I LOVED LOVED LOVED writing and this blog and not using the word mojo just a short time ago.

Also, how do you even spell miniscule?  Because I keep getting the red LEARN HOW TO SPELL line under that word.  Does it actually have a Q in it?  Minuscule?  Really?  That seems wrong.  Words no make sense to Lauren brain this night.

So I think that just about sums up what is going on with me at the moment.  I don't want to make any promises right now about when I'll be back because I think I've more than proven in the past that I am just shite at follow-through (it's why I didn't make the basketball team in high school... also I did not try out because I was too busy memorizing like half of Romeo and Juliet for the purpose of impressing people in college.)

Also I wore leggings in college before they were cool.  Ryan likes to say that all that means is that they WERE NOT COOL YET and not that I was cool and other people were not quite caught up.

Also once the Business Dean at my college called me a remarkable addition to the class of 2006 after I told him the story of how I somehow landed an internship during a job fair at which I was wearing flip flops and socks (it is a long story).  Ryan likes to say that remarkable literally only means "worth making a remark about" and does not necessarily denote something grandiose and/or impressive.  And then he likes to say, you should have told him about how you were also wearing stretch pants.

And then I like to say, they are called leggings RYAN.

Woah man, tangent city.

So the plan for now is, I'm taking a break.  And I'll be back at some point but I don't know when.  I assure you I will let you know at least when my offspring makes her appearance.

But uh, all of that being said, I want the very last thing I say here for the time being to be this: You, my Blogstalkers, delightful, wonderful and remarkable (in a grandiose and impressive way) people that you are, are the thing that is making this decision an incredibly difficult one.  You've been my constant and estimable companions these last couple of years and I don't know if I could love you more for it.  I could try...but then it might veer into a creepy kind of love where I try to find out your addresses so I can come to your houses and look at you through the windows whilst you shout things like, "I never thought I'd say this to you but I hope Starbucks is out of pumpkin bread tomorrow morning!"

So I guess, I'll see you when I see you?  And until then you don't change and I'll attempt to not move my right arm over my head so as not to exasperate my rib per my doctor's advice, though I do always question his advice seeing as he is named after a snack cake.

And then I question if his family invented the snack cake in question and he is quite rich.  And then I question if THAT is the case then why on earth does he not just spend his days swimming in a pool of fig treats instead of delivering babies and answering personal questions about whether or not his family invented a type of snack cake.

Alright Lauren, time to say See You Later.  Be gentle Blogstalkers.

P.S. I'll still be full of mad amounts of Facebook updates so friend me there if you're interested in keeping up.  That's where I'll post photos and ridiculous happenings for the time being.

68 comments:

  1. I'll miss you tons. But at the same time, I've only posted on my blog maybe 8 times in the past year, so I can't judge you.
    I hope you get your mojo back. And that neither of us ever have to write "mojo" again.

    Also, as a fellow paranoid dog-person, I appreciate your grape stomping. Because I would do the same. And have picked up melted chocolate from the sidewalk because of fear of dogs licking it.

    Happy Thanksmukkah, Lauren and RYAN and baby G!!

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    1. ever HAS to write…

      I can't do English good tonight either.

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    2. I do the chocolate thing at Halloween!

      And thanks. I'll be back soon. Most likely once I have a baby and want to post pictures of her somewhere. And then everyone will be like, Yes we've SEEN babies before. Go back away.

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  2. while i'll miss reading your blog, i think it's great that you are putting yourself and your health first. You are most definitely remarkable!

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  3. I completely understand but I am sad. I keep hoping to find new posts... Take care of yourself as you need to. We will be here if you let us know that you are ready.

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    1. Thanks for your comment Laura! I've been so loath to post something like this because I really feel like I'm letting people down but I think we can all agree that my content has been visibly struggling lately so I'm hoping this way when I start writing again it'll be good again? And that will work out better for everyone in the long run? Maybe?

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  4. Understood. You are creating a human being. Think of it as writing the great American novel. You are other wise preoccupied, mentally, physically, emotionally. Soon, very soon, though it currently feels forever you will have your miniature human in your arms, and you will see her face and marvel. And you will have so much to say, about your awe of her, and the life you two have created. About the amazing things she will do and how amazed you all are of this new creature who is your daughter. Time will be precious but you will have more words than cam flow from your brain, your heart, and to us, your blog fans. And we shall be waiting, ready to laugh and cry and smile along with you. You are worth the wait, Lauren.

    - Theresa

    Oh! Take care means please refrain from MAJOR injuries. I is understood that you will manage to create all manner of self-induced injuries....

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    1. Thanks so much Theresa! So let's just call this a pre-maternity leave of sort then?

      (Soon I will be back with adorable baby pictures and pictures of me covered in baby vomit. And stories about how THE BABY THREW UP IN RYAN'S MOUTH!)

      P.S. You are awesome, seriously thank you for your comment.

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  5. You and baby come first. We love you and we'll miss you, but PRIORITIES! Wishing you a blessed Thanksgiving and Christmas, Joyous New Year and the safe delivery of a beautiful healthy baby. <3

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    1. Thank you so much Mara!

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  6. Sending you ridiculous amounts of hugs and happy juju from this side of the suburbs. If you're ever feeling adventurous and want to grab lunch with this crazy lady that I might know who works in the city (it's ME), I'm always around. Except tomorrow. Or Wednesday. Or most of next week...OK so I'm sometimes around. But anyways...I'm here if you need a lady friend to hang out with.

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    1. Thanks Chrissy! We'll have to plan a lunch soon. And this time I won't make you come over and get a tour of my house and meet shirtless Ryan before I drive you back to the train.

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    2. But all of those things were so very fun! Just send me a message when you're feeling up to a little shirted-human to shirted-human interaction.

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    3. Shirted human contact sounds lovely. Plus could you even imagine me and you and our four boobs in the same room together? Because the baby has made me an F cup.

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    4. That sounds like a for-sure date to me. :)

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  7. Monica K.11/18/2013

    Really, uber sad that you're taking a break, but also totally understand your reasons for doing so. Take care of yourself, and hopefully the world will get to read your thoughts and crazy stories again soon.

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    1. Honestly I'm uber sad that I'm taking a break as well, if that makes any sense. But I'm just not proud of what I'm putting out there lately.

      And just think, now I can save up all my crazy stories and there will be like an overload of crazy stories when I start posting again! Yay! Or PLEASE GOD NO as Ryan would say.

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  8. Take care of yourself, Lauren. That's what's important! Can't wait to see that baby! :)

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    1. Thanks! and OH MY GOSH ME EITHER!

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  9. Anonymous11/18/2013

    Ah, I shall miss you, but not too much so I won`t make you feel all guilty like. Besides, you have to save up all your energy and nap times NOW, because after the baby comes...., not so much time. Be good to yourself. Kzspot

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  10. I feel you. My blog is totally neglected and all over the place and sad.

    AND I'm off my meds for the pregnancy, too. And sometimes it really sucks.

    Hope you "enjoy" the last little bit of pregnancy as much as possible, and keep the stress to a minimum. It's hard growing babies!!!
    XO Steph

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  11. Perhaps you can keep your Facebook page alive w/updates of the rest of your baby journey in the interim? My experience (a very long time ago) you won't have anything other than baby burps and spews after the delivery for a few months either. We still would like to follow you who we think of as a friend through this journey. If it makes you feel better, I lived in rural Central Oregon and actually went hunting in the boonies with my brother and husband when I was a week overdue in order to (obviously) make that labor s*&t happen. Didn't work. I just had to hang on to the back bumper of the truck in order to "pee in the wild" in my huge unbalanced state a few times.
    Good times.

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  12. Well, I am heartbroken, obviously. And you don't even have to stalk me. Just send me a message and I will send you my address and the address of the closest Starbucks, which is really on a few blocks from me. I've never been there, but I heard it's nice.

    But I'm equally amazed that you are seeing Dr. Little Debbie's. Ha ha.

    Take care of yourself. We will be here when you are ready.

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  13. I don't want to say I'll be sad or will miss you, because I don't want you to feel any anxiety or guilt...,even though I know you will. You don't owe your readers anything, but you owe your family everything. You are making the right decision, and we will ALL be here whenever it us that you are ready to write again!
    Wishing you all the best in this next stage......
    Stacy

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  14. I will miss statements like this that make me laugh out loud: "I don't care that you found one really long hair on your calf today in the shower and no I do not want to speculate on whether it just grew really fast or if you missed it shaving "like a thousand times"". But I wish you all the best with your pregnancy and will be here when you're ready to resume! Meanwhile, thanks for all the entertaining posts -- and keep an eye on that calf hair!!

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  15. Mariah S.11/19/2013

    I'll miss you, of course, but mostly you're making me excited for these promised baby pictures and stories! I'm so very grateful you're not saying goodbye (just "see you later") and I hope you start feeling better! Enjoy your pre-maternity, and maternity leave, and please take care of yourself :)

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  16. Meaghan A11/19/2013

    Hugs! Take care of yourself and that baby. I will miss you and look forward to your return.

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  17. I will miss reading your blog so much! But I totally understand your need for a break and to be honest with you, once baby G arrives she would've forced a break out of you for a short time anyway. Example: I read at least a book a week normally and I haven't read anything in six weeks thanks to my sweet infant daughter. They tend to be time suckers. So good luck with everything amd I hope you find your 'mojo' again soon :-)

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  18. Anonymous11/19/2013

    Look after yourself Lauren, you give a lot of yourself on here, you make me laugh out loud all of the time and for that I am grateful. I think you are a beautiful person who will be a beautiful mama to your baby girl. Good luck and see you on the other side!! V xx

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  19. I will miss you lots, but the most important thing is that you take care of yourself and are healthy and happy. Enjoy life and your beautiful baby. See you later.

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  20. I'll miss you, but EVERYTIME I wear my blogstalker shirt, I'll feel happy. Take care and we'll be here if you decide to come back.

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  21. Priorities. One of the most important parts of growing up and becoming a parent - redefining your priorities. And for right now - YOU need to be your #1 priority. Without you, there is no baby. I'll miss your updates, but look forward to reading what you find yourself inspired to write when you feel inspired to write it. Quality over quantity.

    I want to speak to the writer burnout you mentioned. I think when we begin these blogs, we expect to be able to continue them on in the same voice and style indefinitely. It's what people come to know and love - and expect. But here's the thing - we don't stay the same. We change. We evolve. And our voice changes with it. So then we find ourselves trying to write in a voice that feels foreign and stale - because it is - we've moved past it. Become something new. But we're afraid that if we change our blog style and voice, our audience won't follow with us. And that may be the case - for some. And that's okay - because there will be others that identify with your new evolution too. Don't be afraid to let your voice change Lauren - it has to - you are changing. You're about to become a mom - and that will bring a wonderful, terrifying, frustrating, FUNNY and beautiful new evolution of you with it. Find that voice and let us hear it. Be you. As you are.

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  22. Take the time you need. I haven't blogged since my surgery and though sometimes I get disappointed with myself I know my "lack of inspiration" is really "you are doing what you need to do to get through the day." I will miss your blog but I would rather know that you are healthy and that your baby will be healthy. Blessings to you, Ryan, and the little rib-dislocating life inside you. (I always accused my son of going to the "elbow-sharpener" while he was in my womb.)

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  23. You will possibly have silly and disgusting antics to share with us once your babe is born. Newborns can be quite icky in all that squishy cuteness. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. Please put your feet up and try not to move your right side. Not much longer until you will be free from the HG and you can start back on some meds to get you level headed. I'll be following via Facebook for sure!!

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  24. I'll miss your writing very much, but you do have to take care of yourself. Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy and your delivery!

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  25. Good for you! You'll be missed, for sure, but you gotta do you. I've taken a break from my blog off and on now for quite some time. Life just gets in the way. I truly hope that I will pick it back up again one day but for now I just gotta keep on keepin on. Can't wait to see pics of your beautiful baby! XO

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  26. We'll still be here whenever you are ready to come back. Take care of yourself and that baby girl and thank you for bringing sunshine into my days.

    Better idea, why doesn't RYAN take over the blog for you...

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  27. Well... This certainly put a damper on my morning... But either way, you deserve a break and you should enjoy it! I've taken breaks before and it really does help. You have this whole new thing happening in your life (something about growing a human being?) - so go focus on her! We'll all be here when you get back :)

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  28. I'll miss reading you, but absolutely you've gotta do what's right for you.

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  29. I truly empathize with you. I first want to say that you are awesome. You are going to get through this. Not long ago I was in very similar circumstances. I want to offer you some words of encouragement if I can because one reason I felt I had so much trouble coping with things is because I did not have the support I needed. The reason for that was not because my friends weren’t awesome or my husband wasn’t awesome – that wasn’t the problem. The problem was no one truly understood what I was going through because they hadn’t been there themselves. My friends didn’t understand 9 months of morning sickness because despite explaining it that way to everyone, “morning sickness” just isn’t what I had. It was something else entirely and somewhat indescribable. I had morning sickness with my first child – it lasted for 16 weeks and I was extremely disappointed it hadn’t gone away in 12 weeks as had been promised. I remember thinking it was really awful. It was nothing compared to what I went through with my 2nd child. I was debilitated throughout that pregnancy and its many complications, but I had to carry on as if my “morning sickness” was an inconvenience typical of other pregnancies. There is nothing typical or inconvenient about being horribly ill for 9 straight months. After nearly a year of such illness I felt nothing short of desperate. I remember thinking I wished I hadn’t gotten pregnant – that it wasn’t worth it. I was depressed, anxious, and panicky. I was beating myself up for having all of those feelings and for not coping better. I saw no end in sight, and I couldn’t imagine life being any other way. SICK seemed to be a permanent state of being. I forgot what it was to feel normal. Having had two miscarriages and a child I dearly loved, it was not like me to be having such negative feelings about my pregnancy. I now chalk up all those thoughts and all those feelings of desperation as a temporary phenomenon -- a part of the situation I was in. It reflected the reality of a person whose world had shrunk into a tiny box inside which only existed the state of being sick.
    I want to tell you – this is temporary. This will end. I know – seems like common sense. But it isn’t. I wish I had told myself that every day. It was really the only thing that might have made things better – if only I could have realized that in a few LONG weeks I would be sitting in a hospital bed, recovering from a complicated C-section -- the spinal not even worn off yet – and feeling GREAT – then it would have been easier for me to trudge through each awful day of that pregnancy. The absence of that horrible sickness was like being on another planet because it had been so long since I had felt normal that I had forgotten what it was to be a person. I started eating food. I didn’t even have to think about what I should eat. I just ate. With no repercussions. The next couple weeks while recovering from my C-section, I couldn’t care less about the pains of recovery. I felt SO MUCH BETTER. That put it in perspective for me. Recovering from major surgery was a breeze compared to what I had just been through for the past nine months. I got my brain back. My anxiety was reduced to manageable levels. Everything was ok. And I was euphoric about my baby.
    Today I look at my son. I understand that I would do that pregnancy a million times over just to have him in my life. He was so worth it. Just keep telling yourself – this will pass. You will have your baby soon. You will feel better. I promise.

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  30. Anonymous11/19/2013

    Aw - we will miss you. But when you are ready to write again, we will be here ready to read!

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  31. I'm a fairly-newcomer and have truly enjoyed reading through your archives (is it creepy to think we'd be friends in real life? If so, I'm a creeper). I'll miss reading your posts but deeply respect that you have the courage to make the right choice for you, especially as you become a new mom. I wish you and your growing family all the very best in the future!

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  32. Take care of yourself Lauren, you and Baby OJ are number one priority. :) See ya when you get back! I'll miss you!!

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  33. You are awesome... You will be missed... Take care of yourself and your little one...and we'll see you when we see you!! Be well!

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  34. Of course I am saddened by this, but I completely understand. I can barely keep myself together when I am on my meds (depression and anxiety, as well). You need to do what is best for you and reducing stress is so key.

    Relax, take it easy and enjoy the last bits of your pregnancy. Soon you will have a sweet baby girl and it will all be worth it.

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  35. Being in the home stretch of pregnancy myself, I COMPLETELY sympathize. Focus on yourself & the little lady you will have soon. I am sure she will provide all sorts of wild stories to write about when you are ready, if she's anything like her mama.

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  36. You can't be crazy, because going on hiatus is a pretty reasonable thing to do at this point! We all go a little crazy when gallons of bizarre hormones are flowing through your system. You're lucky at this point to remember your own name, much less have the ability to care about saving dogs from the perils of smashed grapes.
    I will miss reading the blog though! Take good care of yourself and the wee bairn, and look forward to the day when you're ready to talk/vent/laugh publicly again. :)

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  37. Two things: 1) I actually met the daughter of the hostess empire at a wedding, and she is awesome. Sadly her husband recently passed away from a brain tumor though. And no, they didn't have any free snack cakes with them. Disappointing, but true. 2) I always make my pumpkin bread from the classic Joy of Cooking recipe and I PROMISE it is 400% better than Starbucks. I highly recommend the recipe, and/or if you ever worry about going too mental just let me know, and I will bake you some and bring it over and we can commiserate about being pregnant and just weird in general. I'm sure this sounds creepy b/c we've never actually met, but I live in Chicago too and I'm always secretly hoping I'll run into you in the city. :)

    I guess I lied already, which is a bad start to our potential friendship, but..... there's a #3) don't worry about blogging, just please occasionally give us baby pics!!!!! And never stop telling your funny stories!

    Hugs, Stephanie

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  38. Getting ready for your baby is taking the priority in your life right now as it should. Enjoy yourself and don't fret about your writing. Life changes and yours is about to change immensely when you welcome your daughter in to this world. Enjoy~

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  39. Take care of yourself Lauren. I know I'll miss your posts, but will still stalk you on Facebook. You have to do what's best for you and the soon-to-be-here offspring and you don't owe us, your loyal blogstalkers, anything. Best wishes to you!! And now, I'm strangely craving pumpkin bread and fig newtons. Maybe a fig newton sandwich on pumpkin bread.

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  40. Oh, Lauren. I am so sad that you won't be around to read for a bit, but I understand! You need to take care of you and da bebe, and you need to be able to be proud of what you are putting out there. Feel better soon, and see you on Facebook!!

    Joell

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  41. I will miss you Lauren but I'll see you on the flip side! Especially since Im pretty sure the flip side is Facebook and we're already official there. Take care of you! (name that movie)

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  42. I wish you all the best!

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  43. Wait.....please at least tell me your doctor is named "Dr. Ho Ho". I send sincere love and good wishes to you. I hope that the rest of your pregnancy is tranquil and calm. I feel like the Internet just got a little less weird.....XOXO Laurie

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  44. I will miss you, you are my favorite!! I can't wait to see the pictures!! Take care of yourself!!

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  45. Nooooooooooooooo! Good luck with the baby business. I feel like I lost a friend and can't wait for your imminent return.

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  46. Nooooooooooooooo! Good luck with the baby business. I feel like I lost a friend and can't wait for your imminent return.

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  47. Anonymous11/20/2013

    Dang. You are my favorite blogger. The only one I'll read, actually. I have suffered with those same life-wreckers, and can say this: you'll get though it. In fact, the way to get permanently beyond is...through. So take courage. Thank you.

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  48. Anonymous11/20/2013

    Will miss you tons! You will find your MOJO again one day, and we'll be waiting!

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  49. I'll miss you soooo much (except on Facebook), but you do what you need to! Take care of yourself and that tiny shirtless human in your belly!

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  50. Fireflies11/20/2013

    Hey Lauren! I've practically never commented before but I've read every post you've written and you're definitely my most favorite blogger ever. I love the way you write but I totally support you in your decision to take a break. Real life comes first, right? :) Good luck with the baby and I hope you have a wonderful beautiful life ahead. I've never met you but I can tell you're an amazing person. Sending along an invisible pink ninja to say thanks for all those times you've made me smile or chortle in laughter. I'll miss you!

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  51. Anonymous11/20/2013

    take care of yourself and your little one..that's most important..see you on the flip side

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  52. Take care of yourself, we'll be holding a space for you. :)

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  53. I totally would have squished the grapes with you. Best of luck!

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  54. Take care of yourself!! I've dealt with people from Chicago taking a hiatus before (fall out boy) and they always come back lol :) best of luck!!

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  55. So sorry to hear you have been struggling so much with anxiety Lauren; I know totally where you are coming from and you have to look after you and yours. I will keep my eye out for you coming back. In the meatime, have a fabulous pregnancy (I hope your rib mends soon), your baby will be gorgeous and healthy, please post photos of the little one as we are all blog stalkers but your family comes first as does your health.
    x

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  56. Anonymous2/17/2014

    It's time to come back now!!! I'm assuming you have had that baby by now, yes? Updates! Pictures! Soon! Um, please?

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