Talk To Me Tuesday - Conversations With My Husband And Best Friend

Hello Blogstalkers.

Happy two days until Halloween and three days until I start listening to Christmas music.

Hope you're having a fantastic week!

WITH RYAN (#1)

Lauren: Do you want to hear my newest million dollar idea?

Ryan: Not particularly.

Lauren: Well I was posting pictures of macaroni and cheese on Instagram again and someone was like "Ohhh I want shells and cheese." And I was like, "Haha it's too bad I can't send you some via cellular telephone."

Ryan: So you're going to invent an app that somehow sends food over the phone?

Lauren: Well I'll probably hire some scientists to do the actual inventing because of how busy I am, but yes.  And I'm going to call it InstaHam.  With the understanding that while I know not every food sent will be a ham, there will undoubtedly be a lot of hams sent, what with the holidays approaching and all.

Ryan: So for example, on Thanksgiving you can make those cookies that I like and then send them to your parents' house and my grandparents' house so that I can eat them in both places?  And then still have an entire batch of cookies here for when I get home?

Lauren: Ryan! No! The scientists and I can't create matter.  Especially not from cookie batter.  The things you say sometimes flabbergast me, I swear.

Ryan: Alright, well if we're done here I'm going to go shower.

Lauren: *from outside bathroom door* Hey! Do you think calling the app InstaHam is going to alienate vegetarians?  Do you think they will be like, "Get this ham app away from me?"

Ryan: *incoherent mumbles*

Lauren: I can't hear you from out here but that sounded rude.  *Entering bathroom* Never mind anyway, my brain has solved the problem.  InstaYam: A Division of YouTuber.

Lauren: I should really start writing this stuff down.  Why are there no notebooks and pens in here? I could really use a notebook and pen right now.

Ryan: Yeah, I do always think that it is a BIT ridiculous that we don't keep all the necessary instruments for recording important ideas about hams in the bathroom next to the toothpaste.

Lauren: You know, you talk a lot of invention smack for someone who never has any inventions.

Ryan: ::sigh:: I could really use a drink right now.

Lauren: Well then just turn around and open your mouth.

Lauren: NO! Wait, InstaDram! A way to deliver shots of whiskey telephonically!

Ryan: Huh.  That one I could actually get behind.

Lauren: I'm telling you.  The possibilities with this idea are never ending.  InstaJam.  InstaLamb.

Ryan: *sarcastically*  Oh yes, boundless possibilities.  There could even be an app for drug deals.  InstaGRAM.  Oh...wait.  Shit.

Lauren: Hahahahaha! You are so dumb!

Ryan: Ok, laugh it up, I deserve that.

Lauren: It's not only the name! A drug deal app is like the worst idea of all time!  The cops could just be like, "Hey let's go on that one app, you know, InstaGram 2  - Like The Other Instagram But With Drugs And Copyright Infringment - A Genius Did Not Think This Up, and just arrest ALL OF THE PEOPLE ON IT."

Lauren: Alright well I'm tired from being the wise one in this relationship, I'm going to bed.

*Middle of the Night*

Lauren: Are you awake?

Ryan: No.

Lauren: I just realized Willy Wonka had my idea first. WonkaVision.  And he gets really angry when people rip off his inventions.  He goes all Slugworth on them.

Ryan: *pretends to be asleep*

Lauren: *singing softly* There goes my golden ticket.  There goes the golden twinkle in my eye.

WITH VANESSA (after Ryan's birthday dinner)

Vanessa: Ugh I am stuffed.

Lauren: I also ate entirely too much.  I think I had three enormous pieces of pizza..

Vanessa: I had five!

Lauren: Yeah that's a lot of pizza.

Vanessa: *thoughtfully* Although I guess if you stacked them all on top of each other, really that's only like one piece of lasagna.

Ryan: I'm never going anywhere with you two ever again.

WITH RYAN (#2)

Lauren: Ryan.  Ryan.  Ryan.  Wake up.

Ryan: What?

Lauren: Flip over.  You're snoring like an oxen.

Ryan: Like an ox you mean.  Oxen is a term used for a team of ox.

Lauren: Oh I know.  I've read Little House On The Prairie.  I meant oxen.

WITH RYAN (#3) (while bracketing nursery shelves to the wall)

Ryan: Lauren? Can you come here?

Lauren: What's up?

Ryan: I just feel like I can get this shelf secure enough.  What do you think.

Lauren:  Hmmmm.  Shake that shelf.

Ryan: *shakes shelf a little, stuffed panda falls off*

Lauren: Watch Yourself!

Ryan: Well what do you think?

Lauren: Shake that shelf.

Ryan: *shakes shelf a little again* I just don't think I have the right brackets.

Lauren: Show me what you're working with.

Ryan: *starts to hand me brackets* *pauses* Damn it Lauren.  Are you just quoting Mystikal at me right now?



22 comments:

  1. I love it when you get Punny. And yes, you're a little screwed with the WonkaVision ripoff, though I wouldn't be opposed to that becoming real. Then you could cook me all my meals and send them to me. It would be a magical refilling refrigerator! Because obviously you agreed to by my personal chef...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I'm totally going to start sending you pictures of our dinner leftovers instead of taking the time to wrap them all up and such. Makes clean up much easier.

      Delete
  2. LAUREN!

    The lyrics for that song are NSFW! I had to read through them all to find something to quote back at you, and the only thing that is remotely appropriate is:

    Uhh.. OOOH-WEE! Good lawd!

    ...
    I fear for our kids.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know! I was lucky he caught on when he did because the next line is dirty-with-a-capital-D. And also I didn't know the next line until I googled it later.

      Delete
  3. I keep a dry-erase marker in the bathroom. Mirrors are fantastic dry-erase boards, and really, don't the best ideas occur in the bathroom??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is a fantastic idea. And I have a whole cupful of dry-erase markers that I only use right now for things like writing down important appointments on our calendar. They can TOTALLY be moved.

      Delete
  4. I'm going to tell you something I told Laura late last night, right before bed:

    "I'm sick, I have a headache, and I don't feel good. I want to be miserable right now so STOP MAKING ME LAUGH."

    ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I could also go for some InstaHam right about now. If anyone wants to share some ham with me I can send leftover turkey back.

      Delete
    2. No deal. You know what's really good for when you're sick at night? A recliner in the bedroom.

      Delete
    3. Leftover turkey is the best. I would never trade that for ham. Or I guess I would if I was the one with the ham and you were the one with the turkey. So what I'm saying I guess, is OK.

      Delete
    4. I am giving you a Look right now, Lauren. It is SUCH a Look. It's ALMOST as good as the Look a mom can give a child that makes them behave instantly but not quite that good because I'm a dad and can't keep the slight amusement I feel out of my Look. I will sum that up with an emoticon.

      -.-

      FEEL MY LOOK!

      Delete
    5. I'm starting to think that soon you will have a recliner in every room. That's got to be handy for napping, just you know, whenever.

      Delete
  5. OOOo good idea, Lauren! I will have one delivered immediately.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous10/29/2013

    That's so funny that you're talking about sending food via phone. My friend Jimmy lived in IN and when I moved to Chicago he would email me and ask me to fax him pizza from Foxes. Ha!! Along the same lines, it really is pure genius.PLEASE make this happen ; )

    ReplyDelete
  7. Genius. How do I go about investing in InstaHam?

    ReplyDelete
  8. BAHAHAHAHA
    MIY: Mystical It Yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Vanessa is very wise.

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  10. LAUREN! InstaMAN! I just solved the dating crisis and found the link that will put dating sites out of business for good! OMG I am A GENIUS! I cannot get over how intelligent I am.

    So you just code in what kind of man you want, a gentleman for the streets or a freak in the sheets and WHAM, InstaMAN! Watch out E-Harmony! InstaMAN is on the prowl!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Okay, I am more than on board with this InstaYam idea. We get a gang to take on Willy. No prob.

    ReplyDelete
  12. so I had to google the Mystikal lyrics and when I did I snorted out loud! I need to figure out to teach that song to my husband and then work the lyrics into every day conversation.... that's awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I definitely thought you were going to go with Macaroni Cells and Cheese. You totally surprised me/blew me out of the water with Instaham. Well played.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Tác hại của việc uống nước ngọt có ga có thể bạn chưa biết bí quyết chụp hình ăn ảnh sẽ giúp bạn lung xinh, xinh đẹp hơn. Có rất nhiều bạn đọc quan tâm rằng Đi mỹ nên đi hãng hàng không nào tốt nhất, với những dịch vụ hài lòng khách hàng. Hàng xách tay hiện nay có sự trà trộm của nhiều loại điện thoại kém chất lượng, hàng dựng. chính vì vậy có nên mua điện thoại xách tay không là điều mà nhiều còn đang băn khoăn.
    Có rất nhiều sản phẩm, đồ dùng Nhật Bản được nhiều người ưa thịch, do vậy chúng tôi ra đời dịch vụ chuyển hàng từ nhật bản về việt namorder hàng nhật để đem lại những điều thuận lợi nhất cho quý khách hàng mua sắm. Ngoài ra, chúng tôi còn nhận ship hàng trung quốc giá rẻ và đảm bảo, uy tín nhất.

    ReplyDelete

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