I blame all of you and not me at all. I'm SUPER on top of things.
Today I'm going to talk a little bit about my pregnancy. And while I do promise to never (again) use the term "bloody show" unless I am musing the merits of Dexter, I understand if this means some of you want to skedaddle and just come back tomorrow when I will probably be back to talking about cheese or how I have constructed elaborate plans to steal our next door neighbors' basketball hoop every night between the hours of 11pm and 6am.**
**So they can no longer play with it during those hours not so I can become a secret middle of the night basketball savant, though that doesn't sound like a half bad idea either being that my only current hoops skill is trying to convince other players not to sling the ball in my direction by throwing my palms-out hands up in front of my chest, waving them back and forth, and shouting "Pass, I totally Pass on this opportunity to be given the ball!" when they start eyeballing me standing all alone on the edge of the court.
Anyway, I know that there are about half a million posts on the ol' internet about "Thing No One Tells You About Being Pregnant"...and after today there will be a million and one. No thank yous required.
Things No One Tells You About Being Pregnant
Alternatively Titled: Things I Genuinely Hope Are Due To Pregnancy Because Otherwise My Body Is Just Getting Weird.
1. You might grow a fine coating of hair on your stomach. And if you are a very dark-haired person then this new layer of fur might be very dark. And then you might be like, "What on earth is going on here!?" one morning in the shower when you discover the fuzz and your concerned husband might shout from the other side of the door, "What? What is it?" to which you are forced to reply "I'm fine! Just normal shower things! You wouldn't understand! Nothing weird or sort of gross!" Then if you are me, you might consider shaving your stomach but decide against it because you are a girl and do quite enough shaving of other areas thank you very much. So instead you just decide to hide it for the rest of the pregnancy. Which is totally possible because no one ever looks at your stomach when you are growing a baby. You do a pretty good job of this until you go on vacation and are forced to wear a bathing suit, which even though it is a one piece, has a small keyhole cutout on the top of the stomach in the front. And then you are in the pool and your husband is all "What on earth is going on here!?"
2. I think most people know that your boobs tend to get bigger during pregnancy. I just didn't expect them to get THIS much bigger. Yes that is a size 34F. F as in Fee Fie Fo Fum, my boobs are the size of watermelons.
4. Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction. Or in other words, your hip bones might start to feel like they are made of fire and sound like they are made of fireworks. And every morning when you get out of bed it's all, "Pop! Crack! Grand Finale! Poppoppoppop! Yankee Doodle Dandy!" And your husband thinks it's ALWAYS funny to be like, "What's crack-a-lackin' baby mama?" And makes obnoxious jokes when your aunt kindly asks if you want to lie down for a bit. "Oh, she can't. Her hips don't lie," he says. To which you are forced to reply, "Thank you so much for your offer but I really don't have time anyway. I have to get to the store before it closes and I'm bringing Snap, Crackle and Pop here with me," whilst gesturing to first one hip then the other and finally your erstwhile spouse.
5. Strangers can be really very uhh...surprising? Most that approach just want to rub your belly and ask when you're due. Sort of inappropriate but nice enough so whatever. Sometimes though a grouchy old lady will come up to you in the grocery store when, admittedly, you probably look much younger than usual because of no makeup and no rings (bloating) and the fact that you're wearing a backpack and say something like, "Oh dear. I do hope your mother is going to help you raise that poor child." "Oh unfortunately not," you reply in your head, "But I'm sure either Jesse or Joey will step up once I figure out which one of them is the father." In real life though you just garble something about being married and being 30 (which is almost true) and then sidle away nervously.
6. Just because you are pregnant and dealing with a new litany of ailments does not mean you will not still contract the yearly seasonal cold. It does mean though that your cold might have one new symptom, wetting your pants a little bit every time you cough or sneeze. Toward the end your cold you might have to do a reading from 1 Corinthians in church. So you pray to God Almighty that you will not have a coughing fit at the lectern in front of all those people. It turns out God really does have a sense of humor.
7. Sometimes the only part of your skin that glows is the humongous throbbing red zit on the end of your nose. Which obviously invites Rudolph jokes from one's, as we've already proven, hilarious, mate. "Huh," he says glancing at your practically glowing nose, "I was going to watch Reindeer Games starring Ben Affleck tonight. Obviously you'll be unable to join me."
So that's all I've got for now. What did I miss?
P.S. Here is my disclaimer to say that growing this baby is the greatest thing I have ever done and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Except maybe I would trade the 15 weeks part where I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum for still being pregnant but not having that. I would not trade the part where my doctor congratulates me on gaining weight for anything. That part is awesome.