The Things You Never Knew You Never Knew - Pregnancy Edition

Woah. Long time no see Blogstalkers.

I blame all of you and not me at all.  I'm SUPER on top of things.

Today I'm going to talk a little bit about my pregnancy.  And while I do promise to never (again) use the term "bloody show" unless I am musing the merits of Dexter, I understand if this means some of you want to skedaddle and just come back tomorrow when I will probably be back to talking about cheese or how I have constructed elaborate plans to steal our next door neighbors' basketball hoop every night between the hours of 11pm and 6am.**

**So they can no longer play with it during those hours not so I can become a secret middle of the night basketball savant, though that doesn't sound like a half bad idea either being that my only current hoops skill is trying to convince other players not to sling the ball in my direction by throwing my palms-out hands up in front of my chest, waving them back and forth, and shouting "Pass, I totally Pass on this opportunity to be given the ball!"  when they start eyeballing me standing all alone on the edge of the court.

Anyway, I know that there are about half a million posts on the ol' internet about "Thing No One Tells You About Being Pregnant"...and after today there will be a million and one.  No thank yous required.

Things No One Tells You About Being Pregnant
Alternatively Titled: Things I Genuinely Hope Are Due To Pregnancy Because Otherwise My Body Is Just Getting Weird.

1. You might grow a fine coating of hair on your stomach.  And if you are a very dark-haired person then this new layer of fur might be very dark.  And then you might be like, "What on earth is going on here!?" one morning in the shower when you discover the fuzz and your concerned husband might shout from the other side of the door, "What? What is it?" to which you are forced to reply "I'm fine! Just normal shower things! You wouldn't understand! Nothing weird or sort of gross!"  Then if you are me, you might consider shaving your stomach but decide against it because you are a girl and do quite enough shaving of other areas thank you very much.  So instead you just decide to hide it for the rest of the pregnancy.  Which is totally possible because no one ever looks at your stomach when you are growing a baby.  You do a pretty good job of this until you go on vacation and are forced to wear a bathing suit, which even though it is a one piece, has a small keyhole cutout on the top of the stomach in the front.  And then you are in the pool and your husband is all "What on earth is going on here!?"

2. I think most people know that your boobs tend to get bigger during pregnancy.  I just didn't expect them to get THIS much bigger.  Yes that is a size 34F.  F as in Fee Fie Fo Fum, my boobs are the size of watermelons.


3. Your gums might start bleeding randomly and exuberantly.  Especially when you brush your teeth, but not only then.  Also sometimes when you are doing a reading from 1 Corinthians at church.  And let me tell you something about bleeding in church: it turns out transubstantiation does not mean that all church blood automatically turns into wine.  Which in retrospect is probably good, given the baby thing, but at the time a good gumful of wine might have eased the situation a bit.

4. Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction.  Or in other words, your hip bones might start to feel like they are made of fire and sound like they are made of fireworks.  And every morning when you get out of bed it's all, "Pop! Crack! Grand Finale! Poppoppoppop! Yankee Doodle Dandy!" And your husband thinks it's ALWAYS funny to be like, "What's crack-a-lackin' baby mama?"  And makes obnoxious jokes when your aunt kindly asks if you want to lie down for a bit.  "Oh, she can't.  Her hips don't lie," he says.  To which you are forced to reply, "Thank you so much for your offer but I really don't have time anyway.  I have to get to the store before it closes and I'm bringing Snap, Crackle and Pop here with me," whilst gesturing to first one hip then the other and finally your erstwhile spouse.

5. Strangers can be really very uhh...surprising?  Most that approach just want to rub your belly and ask when you're due.  Sort of inappropriate but nice enough so whatever.  Sometimes though a grouchy old lady will come up to you in the grocery store when, admittedly, you probably look much younger than usual because of no makeup and no rings (bloating) and the fact that you're wearing a backpack and say something like, "Oh dear.  I do hope your mother is going to help you raise that poor child."  "Oh unfortunately not," you reply in your head, "But I'm sure either Jesse or Joey will step up once I figure out which one of them is the father."  In real life though you just garble something about being married and being 30 (which is almost true) and then sidle away nervously.

6. Just because you are pregnant and dealing with a new litany of ailments does not mean you will not still contract the yearly seasonal cold.  It does mean though that your cold might have one new symptom, wetting your pants a little bit every time you cough or sneeze.  Toward the end your cold you might have to do a reading from 1 Corinthians in church.  So you pray to God Almighty that you will not have a coughing fit at the lectern in front of all those people.  It turns out God really does have a sense of humor.  

7. Sometimes the only part of your skin that glows is the humongous throbbing red zit on the end of your nose. Which obviously invites Rudolph jokes from one's, as we've already proven, hilarious, mate.  "Huh," he says glancing at your practically glowing nose, "I was going to watch Reindeer Games starring Ben Affleck tonight.  Obviously you'll be unable to join me."

So that's all I've got for now.  What did I miss?

P.S. Here is my disclaimer to say that growing this baby is the greatest thing I have ever done and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  Except maybe I would trade the 15 weeks part where I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum for still being pregnant but not having that.  I would not trade the part where my doctor congratulates me on gaining weight for anything.  That part is awesome.




49 comments:

  1. I normally would never dare to link my blog in the comment section of your blog, Lauren, but you really reminded me of a post I wrote a while back about things people don't tell you about weird things that can happen with your baby: http://fatherfails.blogspot.com/2012/11/sometimes-things-get-little-strange.html

    Specifically numbers 3 and 4 on that list.

    Also, just in case nobody has warned you, sometimes babies can come out covered in fur. No, seriously. It's apparently just like you gave birth to a tiny little werewolf. Try not to worry about having a tiny little werewolf baby, though. I'm sure it won't happen to you.

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    1. Oh heck, link any old time you want.

      And yeah I read about the fur thing. Right before I found fun on my own body. I wonder if they're related....I'd totally take a healthy little werewolf baby though.

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    2. Sometimes I think we got a hairless werewolf baby. She's taken to growling at her toys in this high-low-pitched voice (which is totally a thing) while baring her teeth (all 6) at them.

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  2. Nosebleeds. You must be fortunate enough to not have this symptom. Let me tell you, walking around the house/office/church/grocery store with Kleenex stuffed up a nostril isn't very becoming. But it's the only solution I've found. :(

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    1. Boo. I read about that in my baby book in the same section they mentioned the bleeding gums thing. Hopefully it goes away pretty soon!

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    2. It'll probably go away in 4wks (when Baby K hopefully arrives) It's been the one symptom that refuses to quit.

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    3. Oh! You're almost full term! Yay! I'm so excited for you. Like genuinely.

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  3. Merrie9/03/2013

    I was going to mention feet so swollen they necessitate wearing slippers in public but I'm thinking you got that covered! Has anyone felt the need to share their boring/ terrifying/ amazing birth stories yet? Or tried to discuss with you the merits of water birth/ home birth/ epidurals/ being completely put under? Or shared disturbing and bizarre advice about pregnancy? Your list is awesome and I wish you a hands-free-from your belly week and dry undies from here on out!

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    1. Oh! I should add that I can't purchase regular shoes any longer! They all have be like SUPER WIDE sizes because of the bloating. And that seemed like a waste of money since I'm SURE (oh please oh please) my feet will go back to their normal width after the baby is born so I didn't actually buy any new shoes yet. I'm going to try to stick to flip flops until there's snow on the ground I guess.

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    2. Your feet will go back to regular size and then you will marvel and make Ryan marvel at how amazingly skinny your feet are. At least thats what I did for like 3 months.

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    3. Yes! I'm partly relieved because of vainness and partly because it would be terrible wasteful to not be able to wear any of my shoes.

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  4. I FEAR the day my G sized boobs start growing large thanks to a tiny human. FEAR. FEAR. FEAR.

    Also, I've always known about that bloody show (ick) thing because my mom likes to add it in for effect during the story of my birth (I edited it out when I let her guest post on my blog).

    ALSO, you are adorable.

    That. Is. All.

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    1. The boob thing isn't actually that bad once your stomach expands out past them. It sort of makes them pale in comparison size wise.

      Also, you are also adorable.

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    2. Just wait until you start lactating. I went from a B cup to an E OVER-FREAKING-NIGHT. Not fun, and Oh, all the pain. Invest in heating pad. Or two. Or ten. You'll thank me later.

      -Shannon

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  5. A stranger in the grocery store tried to slut shame you for being a suspected teen mother? That's crappy. A little bit fun because you're a grown up and can pass for a teenager, but mostly crappy. Because that would have been rude even if you were a teen mom. Boooo stranger face!

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    1. Yeah it was pretty rude. I was all sorts of shocked and didn't know how to respond.

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    2. You totally should have said, "Nope, I KILLED her. Want a ride home?"

      I may have a disturbed sense of humor.

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  6. I worked as a case manager/therapist for teens during my pregnancy with my oldest. During the summer we would take our group out to do things around town and meet other groups. About three weeks before I popped we went to tour the community college with three of the other therapy groups (so lots of other adults around). The counselors at the college kept staring at me and giving me the most awful glances, it was so awkward. Finally while we were doing the tour, 45 awkard minutes later, one of them finally got up the balls to ask if I was a student or a counselor. This was after they had given this all these great speeches directed at me with their judging looks about the colleges day care program, being able to make college work despite all the personal challenges we face, how they have so many successful single parent students, etc. My teenagers and co-workers were trying not to laugh at me the whole time. I should note I had on my engagement and wedding ring, which not to brag are not exactly small and def. not what a teen would have on.
    Also if you are like me and decide to have children a mere 19 months apart, the looks and comments you get, just get even more amazing!

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    1. Ahhh! Seriously? That's awful.

      And that 19 month thing just might happen...I was so sick at the beginning of this pregnancy that I've told Ryan I'm going to TRY to just pop the babies out one after another before I talk myself out of more kids.

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    2. Yeah, I should probably also mention that these were all low-income kids who were court ordered to the therapy program as part of their punishment/probation for committing crimes so those people thought I was a poor pregnant teenage criminal, so basically so super uncomfortable. And I love having babies close together, I told my husband when pregnant with the first I was never going back on birth control and was going to pop them out as quick as posdible till he decided we were done and went and got snipped.

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  7. Let me let you in on a tiny secret... The whole "wetting your pants 'cause you're pregnant" .... it doesn't always necessarily END after pregnancy. *runs away while leaving a slight trail of piddle*

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    1. Oh Kim. You really must stop telling such horrid lies. I know this can not possibly be true.

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    2. Truth! AND it get's worse with each additional child.

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    3. ...or when you're hanging your head over the toilet bowl for the zillionth time that day and you feel a bit of pee come out. That one is the most aggravating to me.

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  8. Until my actual labor (Water Breaking AndLeaking Going On) I Said The Grossest Part Of labor Was My Disappearing Belly Button. I Don't Know Why but It Just Grossed Me Out. Never became An Outtie But It Pretty Much Got Flat.

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    1. For some reason the belly button thing doesn't bother me too much. I'm getting pretty close to the flip from Innie to Outie I think, but my entire stomach looks like something out of a horror movie at this point so I'm just going with it.

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  9. Aside from the boob thing I have not experienced any of your lovely symptoms. This is not to say I'm missing out on all the fun, though. I get things like a small, but meaningful hemorrhoid and a nose that produces snot and boogers like a CHAMP. I also have to regularly lotion my skin to avoid feeling itchy all the time. And let me just say that I'm super jealous your doc congratulated you on weight gain :)

    Are you guys putting together a nursery? Will that be a future blog post?

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    1. Oh I'm so scared of hemorrhoids. I pray they just stay away, far far away. I haven't had the congestion thing, but I've read about it. I can only imagine how much more uncomfortable that makes sleeping, so I hope it goes away posthaste!

      And I only got congratulated I think because every visit up until the most recent visit I had lost weight because of never-ending morning sickness. I feel like if I gain tons of weight in the next four weeks it might be a different story.

      And Yep! We ordered all of our furniture and are picking out paint colors and just waiting for delivery, both of the crib and stuff and the actual baby. I'll share it when it looks all pretty.

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  10. Well here's something fun! After my second daughter the hair that appeared on my belly went away and was less than it was before! I don't think hair can grow in stretch marks! Ha!

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  11. Or at two months, you might suddenly grow an inch and a half hair overnight on your belly.

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  12. Oh honey. I KNOW. A couple things on my end:

    1. Shoes? Do yours still fit? Mine are tight.
    2. You GROW OUT OF MATERNITY PANTS. Fail. At least I did. Awesome.
    3. DIGESTIVE SYSTEM FAIL
    4. I am with Sara with heightened snot production.
    5. SWEAT. Night sweat. Day sweat. All the sweat. Baby powder is my best friend. Yeah I am 95.

    You look WONDERFUL! So cute! Did you have any issues with flying or sleeping while you were away?

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  13. I just bought that shirt from Old Navy last week! In extra Large. Because of boobs. I mean 8 months pregnant I know the belly but lawdy lawdy the boobs. And they tell me they will get bigger when the milk comes in. I'm thinking less bra and more build a shelf then. Thoughts?

    Furthermore I get the looks too but I just add to it and egg the old ladies on because right now my husband and I are living WITH my parents because the house we bought took past our lease to close and we just finished the demolition and now need to do the painting and the flooring and I can't stay there because of the fumes so... parents house it is! (My folks are awesome though)

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  14. Oh my gosh I swear I didn't poop for weeks at a time. I hope you don't have to deal with that!
    i'm suuuper excited to see how cute this baby will be!(:

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  15. best service I have ever had at a restaurant
    ...ok a chinese restaurant the hostess asked when I was due and patted my stomache the waitress patted my stomach and asked when I was due I told the truth...last week....best service ever of course they kept hovering asking if i was done with dinner yet

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  16. Yup. I got stomach virus when I was six months pregnant. Can't articulate properly how much that sucked. My gums were a mess, I did NOT get big boobs (feel cheated) and STILL can't cough or sneeze or laugh 7 1/2 years later. True story.

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  17. The swelling does go down in your feet, but I ended up with fallen arches and two sizes longer! I also had "pregnancy-induced rhinitis" which basically meant I had a cold for nine months. The best symptom I had though was that all my food and pollen allergies completely went away until I stopped nursing when my daughter was 18 months old.

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  18. Now I am totally googling "weird Pregnancy Symptoms" and google will probably start sending me adds that assume I'm pregnant. But I just want to see what else other people have! You've inspired me to search. Google be damned!

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  19. Oh my gosh, how big were your boobs before you got pregnant. Mine are already a D :(

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  20. I don't know why you would open this up for discussion. I remember when I was pregnant, everyone wanted to tell me their horror stories (like - My sister was in labor for three days!) everywhere we went. You might not want to hear what we have to share with you!

    It seemed like my body was trying to liquify whenever I was pregnant. Fluids were leaking from every possible opening. As a matter of fact, that is how I knew I was pregnant with TheRugbyboy, only three days after he was conceived. My nose started running! I bought a pregnancy test, and my husband started crying "I'm never gonna' get to buy a boat!" Anyway, the leaking just gets worse as the due date gets closer. But it pretty much stops after delivery.

    My husband thought the delivery was awesome. His exact words were "I didn't know your asshole could turn inside out like that!" Maybe you can practice pushing w/o giving it everything that you've got, and avoid the dreaded hemorrhoids. Good luck with that!

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  21. I totally bought a wedding set for 25 bucks that looked almost exactly like my actual set. While my husband made jokes about how he "COULD HAVE JUST BOUGHT THOSE?!" I avoided the crazy unwed mother comments...and my finger didn't get cold :)

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  22. Anonymous9/04/2013

    Am I the only one who got thick coarse pubic type hair around her nipples when I was pregnant?

    My boobs itched non-stop for 10 months. Try as I might I couldn't stop scratching. Tweezing was for my own obsessive-compulsive benefit, but tweezing those bits of steel wool out of swollen scratched up rashy watermelon boobs right around the areaola was torturous.

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  23. so.. I love your blog. I found it today through yhl and I've read like 40 posts and was laughing out loud at work to them. cant wait to read all of your blog.. hopefully that didn't sound too weird.

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  24. I've yet to be pregnant, but when I that happens, I hope I have a husband as great as yours to keep the rest of the world entertained.

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  25. You look amazing pregnant!! :] I'm so happy for you and Ryan. I cannot wait to hear more about this. (I sort of disappeared from the internet for a few months. Sorry :[ )

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  26. Anonymous9/05/2013

    If you think your boobs are big now... just wait. They will be bigger than your baby's head. For reals. With my first child, I was so excited to sleep on my stomach after I gave birth, but that didn't happen for a while due to my chest.

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  27. No one tells you that you're nose may get fat.

    MY NOSE GOT REALLY REALLY FAT!!!

    It got better tho.

    Hugs!
    Valerie

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  28. Absolutely too adorable. Enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.

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