I actually mentioned about how they are awesome in my last post and then I got some Facebook comments and such all like, "Goats are not awesome." and "One time a goat bit me." and "Stop telling me things about goats." (ahem RYAN). And it all made me feel a tremendous weight upon my shoulders to make you all understand the badassery that is goats. So after today if you still do not think these creatures are delightful and do not want to be one a little bit, just for a second, just to see how it feels, then maybe you should start seeing a therapist to look into your nonsensical deep-seated goat-hating issues.
Ahem. Excuse me. I got onto a bit a of a high-
And away we GOOOOOOOat!
Goat: From the Latin 'Capra' meaning capricious, whimsical, fanciful, quirky.
- So you know Thor? Giant hammer-toting God? He of the billowing hair and quivering biceps? Yeah, two GOATS pull his chariot. I'm pretty sure Thor could have had his pick of all creatures fearsome and he chose goats. Heck Thor doesn't even need a chariot since he can just thrust his hammer into the air and whizz off to the gym or the local GMC or the tanning salon or wherever. And yet still, GOATS.
|Illustration by Johannes Gehrts|
- Goats discovered coffee. True story. An Ethiopian goatherd named Kaldi noticed that his goats acted more energetic than usual after noshing on the berries a specific plant. So he tried the berries for himself, jigged a little jig, and then brought them to a nearby monk who was all, "Seriously Kaldi? You do know I am a servant of GOD himself right? Like, I'm super important, you get that right? And yet you've seen fit today to bring me a handful of grimy fucking goat berries?" (Or something like that.) And then he threw the berries into the fire. Where they started to smell tantalizingly good. And the rest is history. Or myth, one of those.
- Goats are tough. So tough that the process of a female goat giving birth is actually called "kidding". And they don't have tear ducts. Being a first time parent I do not know many things about giving birth but I do know this, when I am in labor and someone asks how I am doing I will not be saying "Oh you know just kidding around and crying zero tears."
- Goats have suction cup-like thingies on the bottom of their hooves. And the edges are sharp enough to cut through rock and ice. This is why they are such excellent climbers. This is also why sometimes I legitimately think that if I ever found a genie one of my wishes would be, "Make me half-goat! A Satyr! Bottom-half goat!" Because for one it would not be hard to hide the goat parts under a skirt or dress and second, think of how many problems goaty hindquarters would solve.
Plus then I could reach all the top shelves at a library or a winery and could also dress up as a giant bird and pop up to the ceiling above Ryan while he's sleeping and shout "Bird! There's a giant bird right above your head on the ceiling Ryan!" (Birds are Ryan's greatest fear in life because he doesn't understand how normal people fears are supposed to work.)
- I mentioned in my last post that goats have extraordinary peripheral vision. Like, they can see 340 degrees around. The reason they can do this is because of their pupils are rectangular. You know what else has rectangular pupils?
I think I rest my case about why that is cool.
- Goat Cheese.
- Goats were once so valuable that in some places they were traded pretty interchangeably with silver pieces. This is actually the only reason that I sometimes reconsider wanting to be a Satyr. Because I imagine this happening:
Shopkeeper: That'll be $20.50
Ryan: Huh. I'm a little shy.
Lauren-Satyr: What!? You're not shy at all! Yesterday you introduced yourself to the neighbors' friends when you were standing in the front yard holding a coconut and not wearing a shirt.**
Ryan: Lauren, that's not what I...I meant I'm a little short.
Lauren: Ok well yeah, that.
Ryan: (to shopkeeper) Would you take a twenty dollar bill and half a goat?
**I was making homemade curry and I couldn't get one of the coconuts open and so I tried dropping it from our fourth floor balcony into our yard and then sent Ryan out to fetch it.
There are tons of other fantastic goat facts (they can jump up to 5 feet into the air!) but I think I'll cap this post there. Have I changed your mind about our capricious friends?
P.S. Goats sometimes get a bad rap because of the eating tin cans thing. But they don't even eat tin cans. They just like the smell of the glue that is used to attach the label. And I think we can forgive them that, because honestly, we all sniff a little glue from time to time, am I right? (Kidding!...by which I mean, telling a joke and not going into labor...)
P.P.S. February 15th was once hailed as Lupercalia. A day when men dressed up in only goat skins and ran around slapping women with strips of leather. To promote fertility. It's basically like a continuation of Valentine's Day.