Eighty Percent of Success is Goats (or something very similar) - Woody Allen

Do you know what are awesome, Blogstalkers?

Goats.

I actually mentioned about how they are awesome in my last post and then I got some Facebook comments and such all like, "Goats are not awesome." and "One time a goat bit me." and "Stop telling me things about goats." (ahem RYAN).  And it all made me feel a tremendous weight upon my shoulders to make you all understand the badassery that is goats.  So after today if you still do not think these creatures are delightful and do not want to be one a little bit, just for a second, just to see how it feels, then maybe you should start seeing a therapist to look into your nonsensical deep-seated goat-hating issues.

Ahem.  Excuse me.  I got onto a bit a of a high-horsegoat there.  Excuse me while I step down.

And away we GOOOOOOOat!

Goat: From the Latin 'Capra' meaning capricious, whimsical, fanciful, quirky.

  • So you know Thor? Giant hammer-toting God? He of the billowing hair and quivering biceps?  Yeah, two GOATS pull his chariot.  I'm pretty sure Thor could have had his pick of all creatures fearsome and he chose goats.  Heck Thor doesn't even need a chariot since he can just thrust his hammer into the air and whizz off to the gym or the local GMC or the tanning salon or wherever.  And yet still, GOATS.


Illustration by Johannes Gehrts

  • Goats discovered coffee.  True story.  An Ethiopian goatherd named Kaldi noticed that his goats acted more energetic than usual after noshing on the berries a specific plant.  So he tried the berries for himself, jigged a little jig, and then brought them to a nearby monk who was all, "Seriously Kaldi? You do know I am a servant of GOD himself right? Like, I'm super important, you get that right? And yet you've seen fit today to bring me a handful of grimy fucking goat berries?" (Or something like that.) And then he threw the berries into the fire.  Where they started to smell tantalizingly good.  And the rest is history.  Or myth, one of those.





  •  Goats are tough.  So tough that the process of a female goat giving birth is actually called "kidding".  And they don't have tear ducts.  Being a first time parent I do not know many things about giving birth but I do know this, when I am in labor and someone asks how I am doing I will not be saying "Oh you know just kidding around and crying zero tears."  



  • Goats have suction cup-like thingies on the bottom of their hooves.  And the edges are sharp enough to cut through rock and ice.  This is why they are such excellent climbers.  This is also why sometimes I legitimately think that if I ever found a genie one of my wishes would be, "Make me half-goat! A Satyr! Bottom-half goat!" Because for one it would not be hard to hide the goat parts under a skirt or dress and second, think of how many problems goaty hindquarters would solve. 




 Plus then I could reach all the top shelves at a library or a winery and could also dress up as a giant bird and pop up to the ceiling above Ryan while he's sleeping and shout "Bird! There's a giant bird right above your head on the ceiling Ryan!" (Birds are Ryan's greatest fear in life because he doesn't understand how normal people fears are supposed to work.)


  • I mentioned in my last post that goats have extraordinary peripheral vision.  Like, they can see 340 degrees around.  The reason they can do this is because of their pupils are rectangular.  You know what else has rectangular pupils?



I think I rest my case about why that is cool.


  • Goat Cheese.



  • Goats were once so valuable that in some places they were traded pretty interchangeably with silver pieces.  This is actually the only reason that I sometimes reconsider wanting to be a Satyr.  Because I imagine this happening:


Shopkeeper: That'll be $20.50

Ryan:  Huh.  I'm a little shy.

Lauren-Satyr: What!? You're not shy at all! Yesterday you introduced yourself to the neighbors' friends when you were standing in the front yard holding a coconut and not wearing a shirt.**

Ryan: Lauren, that's not what I...I meant I'm a little short.

Lauren: Ok well yeah, that.

Ryan: (to shopkeeper) Would you take a twenty dollar bill and half a goat?

**I was making homemade curry and I couldn't get one of the coconuts open and so I tried dropping it from our fourth floor balcony into our yard and then sent Ryan out to fetch it.

There are tons of other fantastic goat facts (they can jump up to 5 feet into the air!) but I think I'll cap this post there.  Have I changed your mind about our capricious friends?

P.S. Goats sometimes get a bad rap because of the eating tin cans thing.  But they don't even eat tin cans.  They just like the smell of the glue that is used to attach the label.  And I think we can forgive them that, because honestly, we all sniff a little glue from time to time, am I right?  (Kidding!...by which I mean, telling a joke and not going into labor...)

P.P.S. February 15th was once hailed as Lupercalia.  A day when men dressed up in only goat skins and ran around slapping women with strips of leather.  To promote fertility.  It's basically like a continuation of Valentine's Day.

81 comments:

  1. I would totally have a dwarf goat as a pet. If I didn't think my dog would lose his mind and try to eat it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh me too! If I didn't think Ryan would lose his mind and try to get rid of me.

      Delete
  2. I can't think of anything to say except that the first line of this made me think you thought goats made excellent Blogstalkers and while goats may be amazing in more ways than I realized (thank you for increasing my knowledge) I am fairly certain they make horrible Blogstalkers.

    ...that is all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aaaand....comma added.

      This is a real life example of the importance of proper punctuation.

      Delete
    2. I seriously sat there for about a minute, rereading the first two lines, trying to figure out where you were going with this post and how goats could ever be good Blogstalkers. I wouldn't have said anything except that I figured it would make you laugh. :)

      Delete
    3. Oh and it did. I actually considered leaving it for a moment because it humored me so much but then sensible Lauren stepped in and I had to bow to her request to change it, she so rarely asks for anything.

      Delete
  3. Anonymous9/12/2013

    I prefer donkeys- I don't have a list of awesome facts about them or anything, I just think they're adorable. If we were allowed to own livestock in our neighborhood, I would totally get a donkey... :)
    ~Nicole

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah, donkeys are pretty great as well. Did you know that in Great Britain donkeys are required to have passports?

      Delete
  4. GOATS! They're my favorite thing about fall. Our local apple orchard always has baby goats to feed. Also the occasional alpaca. But GOATS! YES!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh good. I was afraid you would not like goats and then I would have to not be friends with you anymore. (Not really, Ryan doesn't like goats for SOME REASON and I'm still friends with him.)

      Delete
  5. Have you seen the fainting goats on MythBusters? Those guys are pretty darn cute!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! I love them! Their bodies actually automatically brace their muscles just before they faint so they don't get hurt when they fall. I really want a fainting goat.

      Delete
    2. I want the ability to brace my muscles before I fall so I don't get hurt :) !

      Delete
  6. My fondness for goats ends at goat cheese. Well except for that whole "they discovered coffee thing." That kinda rules.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So basically I have doubled your list of "Reasons To Be Fond Of Goats"? I will take it.

      Delete
  7. and goat cheese, oh my freakin creamy deliciousness, enough said! Chickens I want chickens, suburbia considers them livestock so no chickens for me. My neighbors brought home a goat once, the children (I was going to type kids) played with it the backyard for 3 days & then the goat disappeared. When I asked the father where it went he told me his freezer. They were European, apparently they thought this was normal, I thought it was heartless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh! That's so sad. I know, circle of life and all that. But I would be traumatized if I played with an animal for three days and then my dad made me eat it. It's like the Charlotte's Web of nightmares.

      And yes, goat cheese. Best cheese ever.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous9/17/2013

      Livestock is often meant to be eaten, European or American. It's normal on the farm here.

      Animals on our farm live good, happy lives. When it's time for them to meet their destinies, it is quick and painless. At the last moment, they are happily eating and then... it's over. Looks like that goat had a nice last few days, getting attention from happy children, eating good food... Heartless? I don't think so.

      Beats the lives of animals on feedlots and in CAFOs. And the meat is certainly healthier.

      I grew up in Chicago, so it's not like I was raised on a farm. I just made it a point to learn about food, and then I learned how to produce the healthiest, most humanely raised food possible.

      Delete
  8. Your knowledge and love of goats makes me extremely happy! Sometimes they are assholes, but they're never as big of assholes as sheep. I hate sheep. I also want to have a goat so I never have to mow my back yard again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I try to have as little as possible to do with sheep. We do not get along.

      Delete
    2. I have a friend who has a small little farm in central DE. It's pretty awesome. She's amazing.

      She HATES sheep.

      She says that they will do almost anything they can to kill themselves.

      She found them dead in the water cistern they drink out of so she put a cover around it with just enough room for a sheep to put its head in and drink. One day, the sheep were standing around it bleating, not drinking, so she got close and smelled something HORRIBLE.

      She opened it up and not one, but THREE sheep had crawled in through the hole at some point.

      Sheep are ridiculous.

      Delete
    3. Ohh poor sheep. We may not get along but I still wish they would not drown in cisterns.

      Delete
    4. Sorry, didn't mean to bring on any sadness.

      My friend hates them because she does everything in her power to keep them alive and they seem to actively oppose this.

      Delete
    5. Oh no worries!

      Delete
    6. I grew up on a farm and yes, sheep will do everything in their power to die in the worst way possible. They'd get stuck in the most random places and we'd have to figure out how to get them free because they'd fight you the entire time.

      We also had goats and I. LOVE. GOATS. I want one SO bad, and my husband would totally let me have one, but unfortunately we rent. I also LOVE octopuses! And llamas! I really want to buy a farm but they're super expensive where we live.

      Delete
    7. If you ever get that farm let me know...I shall come visit and hug all the goats.

      Delete
  9. Not to mention the Lonely Goatherd song in Sound of Music -without goats - no Goatherd, no song - yodel le yodel le yodel le!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't hate me but I've NEVER seen The Sound of Music. It's on my list of movies to OH MY GOSH JUST WATCH ALREADY YOU LAMEWAD.

      Delete
    2. Yes what you said :) As it was the first movie my parents saw together on their very first date - it is an integral part of my childhood. And yes there is yodeling and goat puppets and a song. So you must see it.

      Delete
  10. I really hope I didn't already tell this story, but I don't think I did. A few years ago my husband left a message on our answering machine that I listened to when I got home from work. It was, "garble, garble, garble, wouldn't let me bring the goat, garble, garble, rabbits." Um, okay, then. A short while later, he arrived home with a small livestock trailer, 30 rabbits, and a goat. I was delighted, because I freakin' love goats. Excepts for the rabbits part, because what the hell are you supposed to do with 30 rabbits? The lady wouldn't give the goat up unless my husband took the rabbits too. Anyway, the goat, whose name was Diane, but I quickly rechristened Lulu, was a nightmare. She actually grew up with a best friend who was a dog and believed she was a dog. She constantly escaped her pen and tried to come in the house. She'd break free and run around the neighborhood causing chaos and the police had to return her once. Many was the morning when I woke up with a goat sleeping on our deck. One day she got loose and I chased her around a church parking lot while she bleated in a mimicking tone. I loved her nevertheless. It was sad when she died.

    Goats are spectacular.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh! What a rambunctious little goat. How perfectly marvelous. I love that story. Love it.

      Rabbits. Pfffft.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous9/17/2013

      Poor Diane/Lulu. Didn't the rabbit lady tell you that goats MUST have a companion? If she didn't have another goat (optimal) or that dog with whom she grew up, she would settle for human companionship. And she tried, oh, how she tried!

      Delete
  11. I can tell you're not an obsessed knitter, because then first thing on the list would be cashmere, which comes from the cashmere, or Kashmir, goat. And mohair, which comes from the angora goat. (I know, I know. But that wacky name totally fits in here on your blog!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here is a list of all the knit stitches I know how to do: Knit Stitch.

      I can't even Pearl, it's terrible.

      I do like Cashmere though. I wouldn't say TAKE THIS BACK if someone gave me a blanket made out of it for Christmas or something.

      Delete
  12. Anonymous9/12/2013

    My husband has this grand plan to own an alpaca farm (not even joking, I'm sure it'll be happening in the next three years) and I agreed to it as long as we get at least two miniature goats. The college I work at has a farm (random, I know), but they have some little goats. They built them a 'jungle gym' of planks and ramps and they spend all day jumping around on it. I once showed up twenty minutes late to a meeting held in the building next to the farm because I stood and laughed at them too long. Worth it.
    -Megan Clarke

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After you get these goats I am going to start stalking you in real life and coming over and standing next to your fence watching your goats. And you will be like, Lauren you are creepy go away.

      But I won't.

      Wow. That really was creepy. I'm just super envious of your eventual goat plan. Ryan won't even let me plan for goats.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous9/12/2013

      The day I get these goats, I will message you for your address and send you a formal invitation to come visit and see them. Wait for it. Three years from now, I'll remember. (hahaha.)
      -Megan

      Delete
  13. I'm sure you're aware of Beyonce, owned by The Bloggess, right? (http://thebloggess.com/2012/07/beyonce/)

    Well, what I'd strongly suggest is that you introduce Ryan to The Bloggess, show him the Beyonce story, also show him any other of her "crazy animal" stories (like when she totally bought him a wallaby for his birthday except that she didn't) and then, when he turns to you with the slow glimmer of suspicion blooming in his eye, about to ask you what this is leading to, simply say "And all *I've* done is buy a goat. Aren't you lucky?"

    Because you totally need a goat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Him" being her husband. *sigh* Typing while feeding the toddler isn't working very well.

      Delete
    2. Haha I knew you meant Victor. Ryan has actually read the Beyonce post and I'm PRETTY sure I caught him smiling about it but making him read the subsequent anniversary post is a pretty good idea.

      Now just to find out if having a goat is illegal in this city...it probably is. EVERYTHING is illegal in this city. Spray painting furniture outside will get you a ticket and if it's a windy day, which is ALWAYS is, then the furniture will not even look that good.

      Delete
    3. Put those cat ears you can buy at a novelty store on the goat. Tell the officials it's a cat. Act surprised and affronted if they insist otherwise. Tell them that it's the best grass-eating cat you've ever had and that it keeps the mice away.

      This may not work. I have had way too much caffeine in the past hour (if there's some left in the pot I consider it my job to finish it after Laura goes to work) and I cannot be held responsible for any of my ideas.

      Delete
    4. That's how cookies work around here. I make them for Ryan and he takes them to work for lunch. Whatever he leaves behind is fair game even if it is seventy cookies and I only have fourteen hours of Ryan-free time.

      Delete
  14. I watched a triplet goat birth this summer. That goat was a tough bitch, or whatever they call female goats. She was all like "oh, three goats? no problem." except they were assisted births so there were problems but she was like "oh, you need to stick your hand up me to pull them out? Let me just stand here and bleet and then act like nothing happened an hour later".

    Goats man, goats.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously, goats.

      They are tough motherf*ckers.

      I wish I had three tiny goats right now.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous9/17/2013

      Girl goats are does. Female canis familiaris are bitches.

      I prefer does.

      (and, FWIW, boy goats are bucks.)

      Delete
  15. Goats are awesome! I'm shocked people don't think so. Around here, you can even rent goats to come out and clear brush from your yard if you would like. And, goat cheese, bacon, pepper jelly grilled cheese sandwiches > all other grilled cheese sandwiches.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well now I want that sandwich. I must figure out where to get some pepper jelly.

      Delete
    2. amazon, you can buy anything on Amazon. Plus I think if you're willing Mavis has a recipe you could try http://www.onehundreddollarsamonth.com/canning-101-how-to-can-jalapeno-pepper-jelly-recipe/
      and now I really need to go back to actually working instead of reading all these awesome comments about goats

      Delete
    3. I've only made jelly once and I burned my arm like up to the elbow so I'm staying away for the time being.

      Thank goodness for Amazon!

      Delete
  16. Having raised a herd of dairy goats for a number of years, I agree wholeheartedly! I would also like to add that their milk is not as rough on tummies so those who are lactose intolerant can often drink their milk with no gaseous byproduct (I am one of those). Also, the milk is so gentle that when you make soap with it people with super sensitive skin can use it with no issues! Having made and sold soap for years, I know this for a fact from our many customers testimonials.
    I had a pregnant (about to pop any day) goat jump over a 5 foot fence while standing below it on a hill, with no running start. They are super smart and teach each other how to escape their enclosures if they find a way out. They are loyal, never leaving one behind. They are fiercely protective and will butt the hell out of any predator to protect the herd. Most importantly, the kids are the cutest things ever and start running and jumping within hours of their birth and if they have waddles, well, you'll just have to resign yourself to dying of cuteness. Ok, I love goats so I'll stop now, cause I could go on and on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ::sigh:: and I could listen forever.

      Delete
    2. You should get a metal goat for your lawn. I'm seeing them in garden centers now! http://compare.ebay.com/like/370625372790?var=lv&ltyp=AllFixedPriceItemTypes&var=sbar

      Delete
  17. Anonymous9/12/2013

    Anon because I am too lazy to open an account:
    Goats are awesome. You don't have to convince me. BUT...
    Did you get the coconut open?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't! I've opened a thousand coconuts and actually know how to do it but this one was misbehaving like crazy. And Ryan said absolutely no using the saw or the power drill....so it still sits in my fruit bowl.

      It's probably filled with gold or something.

      Delete
  18. Goats rule! I didn't know they had suction-y things on their hooves. But I do now! Also, I love the phrase "I'm as sure footed as a mountain goat" NOW I get it!! My cousin has two teeny goats. They are the cutest and they are like a little bigger than her irish husky. Although, I believe the correct term is pygmy, not "teeny goats" ha! Well I'm with ya on the goats!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ohhhh I don't have ANY cousins with goats.

      Delete
  19. Not "irish husky" cause, WHAT'S THAT? I meant alaskan husky! AmanDUH

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to be honest and say that I'm really disappointed: I wanted to see what an Irish Husky looked like. I was picturing a Husky-like dog the size of a wolfhound.

      Now I guess I just have to go all mad scientist and create one. In a lab. With Science!

      Delete
    2. I seriously didn't even catch that. But now I'm also sad it's not a real thing. The world could use more dogs. And goats, but that goes without saying.

      Delete
  20. I have been wanting a goat for YEARS! I plan to use this blog as ammo to get my way....on a related note there is a gentleman in my town with a pet goat. She is named Bambi and they go EVERYWHERE together...he buys her chips and soda and walks her on a leash. She is housetrained and showers daily...I will have to post a picture for you next time I see them. He brings her to the sub shop next to my office at least once a week. This week due to the rainy weather we have been having he actually put a camper on the back of his truck to keep her dry :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I MUST HAVE PICTURES OF THIS GOAT. She showers more than I do!

      Delete
  21. I have heard that in the Chicago area you can't hire goats like you can here. I think that's a crying shame. We get rid of our unwanted vegitation quickly and easily while lounging in a folding chair doing a crossword puzzle (puzzel? I'm a terrible speller). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9jxa7T6WGQ This was filmed in Seattle and yes, they did actually hire those goats.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just want to hire a goat to come jump on my bed with me for a while.

      Delete
    2. A few airports have goats to "mow" the grass near the runways. It's fascinating.

      Delete
    3. Anonymous9/17/2013

      Yeah, didn't they get some goats to take care of the brush out by ORD?

      Goats love weeds. You can get goats for weeds, and sheep for grass. (Goats won't eat grass unless there's NOTHING else. They are picky eaters.)

      Lauren, you wouldn't want one of my goats to jump on your bed. They are BIG dairy goats.

      But they are so very lovely!

      Delete
  22. Goats are awesome if for their cheese alone. Have you tried the Drunken Goat cheese? It's goat cheese that is aged in wine...it's AMAZING.

    Next weekend I am taking a farm tour of the Beekman Boys's farm in NY. They have lots of goats and a llama named Polka Spot who herds the goat. I am so excited to see the goats and the llama....does this make me weird?

    ReplyDelete
  23. I worked at Zoo Atlanta every summer in high school, and spent my first one in the petting zoo. One of the goats there ate my shorts. While I was wearing them.

    But I love goats. I want some. And a pig. A full size pig, not one of those Vietnamese potbellied ones. Although I'd probably take one of those too.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I totally almost got the Goats in Trees calendar this year. Because that is all kinds of awesome. And I'm pretty sure it would totally freak out my coworkers, which would be an added bonus.
    http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/2014-goats-in-trees-square-12x12-browntrout-publishers/1114681621?ean=9781465010506
    Yay Goats!

    ReplyDelete
  25. So this is pretty much the best post ever in the history of blogs and I love it so, so much. I think I just have a thing for rectangular-eyed creatures because they are both of my favorites.
    Also, now I understand why it took me so long to get pregnant. If we decide to do this again (And right about now I am laughing at that thought.), we may have to invest in some goat skins and leather straps. Oh my, that sounds not quite right.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Goats are fine. It's the GEESE you have to worry about. Those suckers are vicious.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Know what's better than goats? Fainting goats. The entertainment value alone makes up for the cost.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Here in Norway, we let our goats roam free in the mountians during summer.Fun fact about goats: when goat herds cross the road, they do it very responsibly, one by one in a long line. So if you ever coen cross a traffic jam in the middle of the Norwegian mountains, it's because goats are good with traffic saftey.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Goats are my favorite animal. The fact that you blogged on their awesomeness makes you even more awesome. Glad to know I'm not alone!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I totally had someone call me capricious once when I was younger...now I know what they meant. They called me a GOAT!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Brooke9/14/2013

    Lupercalia....gee, I don't know why THAT fine tradition has fallen by the wayside.

    And speaking of coconuts and shy....apparently a coconut shy is a carnival game in England. From the many references in gentle, old-fashioned British mysteries, I think it's where you throw coconuts at something to win prizes. Too lazy to Google.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Anonymous9/16/2013

    You had me at Goat Cheese. Yum!

    ReplyDelete
  33. I'm down to only four does and two bucks. Milking three does and getting about a gallon and a half a day. (Two of them are miniature goats.)

    I love goats. I especially love Jubilee, who is a LaMancha, Saanen, Alpine cross.

    ReplyDelete
  34. You are not alone. I love goats. Always have. As a matter of fact, we had them as pets - yes pets - when I was growing up. They are AWESOME pets. I'm just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Modern Farmer magazine actually has a live goat cam going on right now: http://modernfarmer.com/2013/09/goatcam/ as part of National Goat Week. Not even kidding. Happy Tuesday!

    ReplyDelete
  36. I had a goat once, named Billy. he was mean and used to butt me, but I still tried to pet him all the time.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
 
Site Design By Designer Blogs