A Post With A Gross Amount Of Words That Basically Accomplishes Nothing

Hello my pretties (and hello to your little dogs too).

So I'm sure like many bloggers, in order to aid myself with the formulation of blog post ideas, I keep a running list on my phone of all the day-to-day inanities that occur and the ridiculous ideas that pop into my head while I'm busy living this life of mine.

And while much of the time this list is helpful, there are times when I look at it and think, "What on earth does "The Ambiguously Hay Duo - Horses" and "Spittoons - Making a Comeback?" even mean LAUREN RAE!?  And then I get all mad at myself for once again not being more specific because I'm quite sure both of those ideas were a viral post waiting to happen.

**Yes I do invoke both my first and middle names when I am angry with myself.  Is that not normal?

Until today.

When I was cursing myself yet again because I could not for the life of me recall what I had wanted to write about "Esca-Now-And Laters" but I knew it was hilarious because I had included a (LOLOLOL) after the note.  And I was all, "Crap Darn It!" And Ryan was all, "What is it now?"

So I explained to him the situation and then got sort of suspicious because he was being uncharacteristically understanding, all, "Huh that does sound frustrating." and "Why don't you try taking a walk to the park, maybe it'll come come back to you."  Plus he was obviously trying not to man-giggle.**

So I was like, "First, I'm not a dog RYAN, a walk to the park does not cure all that ails me.  I don't forget all of my worldly concerns because I've chanced upon a dragonfly I want to eat.  And second, why are you laughing? If you know why Esca-Now-And-Laters is funny, you have to tell me."

And that is how I found out that one of the things Ryan does for fun when I am in the shower or sleeping and he is feeling bereft of entertainment is make up fake blog post ideas and add them to my list.

**Ryan recently complained to me about how I'm always making him giggle on my blog and how that does not accurately portray him as the very tough-like-The Rock-or-a-similar-hardcore-movie-actor person that he is and could I PLEASE choose a different word?  I have settled on man-giggle.

But moving on.  Here is the rest of the list from the last month or so.

"Stair-Worthy" -  So I've probably mentioned this before but Ryan and I live in a four floor townhouse.  Which means an innumerable amount of stairs.  Or if you wish be to technical about these things, 46 stairs.  Three flights of 15 stairs each and one stair into the house from the porch.

When we first moved into this place a year and a half ago after living in one level apartments for the previous ten years I was all, "Yay Stairs! Oh how I've missed you, my staggered friends!  Two days later I was like, "I miss how I didn't use to have to climb our hallways."  Now that I'm pregnant I'm like, "Oh I really should download the new ultrasound pictures and send them to my grandmother." And then realize that the CD I need is 31 stairs from where I am sitting and think, "Meh, she'll just see the baby after the birthing."

If you have ever seen the "Sponge-Worthy" episode of Seinfeld, this is basically the exact same thing but with stairs and my grandmother instead of contraceptives and potential sexual partners.

"Garlic" - I woke up the other morning with the unmistakeable reek of garlic bouncing off of all of the smell buds in my nose.  Now I love garlic, but this was pungent and consuming and just plain awful.  I could not figure out where the stench was coming from and it was so strong it was making my eyes water.  I sniffed my hands and my clothes and my entire bedroom with no luck at determining the origin of the putrid aroma.  I briefly went a little crazy and even accused Ryan of rubbing cloves of garlic on the insides of my nostrils in the middle of the night because I had laughed when he had accidentally gotten on his bike backwards the day before.  And then called my mom and told her about it.

Eventually the smell went away and I resumed my normal life.  Sort of.

Saturday Morning Conversation

Ryan: Hey, want to go to the Farmers' Market today?

Lauren: *from under pillow* Not particularly.  I don't relish being accused of being a vampire and staked.

Ryan: What the?  Lauren if you want to stay in bed, just say that.

Lauren: No seriously.  With my gums' current tendency to bleed everywhere and my newfound aversion to garlic I feel like I'll draw unwanted attention.  I can practically hear the townspeople yelling "OH MY GOD look at her bloody mouth and how she's shying away from all of the bulbs of garlic! And look at her protruding midsection! She's definitely just eaten a child! She's digesting a child as we speak!"

Ryan: You're thinking of a snake.  Vampires don't eat people, they suck them dry.  They drain their blood.

Lauren: I wouldn't talk like that at the Farmers' Market.  Then everyone will be all, "And her husband knows entirely too many things about vampires for someone who claims not be married to a vampire! Let's get them both just to be safe!"

Then he finally left me alone.

"Locked in Garage" - This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened to me but a couple of weeks ago I went out to the garage to get the dogs' leashes so I could take them on a walk to the park and the door locked behind me.  I panicked.  Luckily I had my phone so I called Ryan at work to tell him I was trapped in the garage and needed him to come home and let me out.  He calmly asked me if my car keys were in the garage with me.  They were.  Then he told me he couldn't leave work at the moment but he'd be happy to run his keys down if I drove to his office to get them.  I was halfway there before I realized I had untrapped myself from the garage by pushing the button and opening the garage door.  I realized this because I was talking to myself/the baby and I said something like "OK so first we need to get to the office and grab the keys, then go home and let ourselves out of the garage...oh wait..."  I'm currently plotting revenge on Ryan for this and also for the fake blogging ideas thing.

"Yoga" - My gym has a prenatal yoga class every Saturday morning at nine.  I decided to try it out a couple of weeks ago.  Everything went surprisingly well until we got to the meditation section and the instructor said something about "freeing your mind" and I accidentally sang "Free your miiiind and the rest will follow" out loud and the whole entire class heard me.

So that's all for now Blogstalkers.  Have a lovely Wednesday!

P.S. I've been text-complaining to Ryan all morning that I'm hot.  I figured it was just a growing a baby thing until I checked the thermostat and it said 81 degrees.  So I just sent a picture of it to Ryan with the caption "This is why I'm hot.  This is why I'm hot.  This is why, This is why, This is why I'm hot."

P.P.S. Sorry there are entirely too many words and no pictures in this post.  To rectify the situation here is a picture of Ryan sitting in a chair about to get attacked by a giant dog.


  1. I have a similar list and I can never remember what I was talking about. *sigh* Also, every time some one says the word 'left', I start singing "to the left, to the left, every thing you own in a box to the left" and my husband mysteriously disappears from my side which is weird because I'm an awesome singer.

    1. Haha! Ryan always tells me that my singing is so beautiful that he would prefer to hear it in small doses, so he can really savor it.

  2. For the record, I would have sung out the, "Free your mind and the rest will follow," as well.

    It seems to me that maybe RYAN would understand that you are baking a human and be nicer to you. I think his behavior deserves some sort of retaliation. Maybe a super-garlicy meal, which would "explain" the smell from the other day.

    1. Honestly I don't think there was a way I could have NOT sung that after she said "Free Your Mind". I was surprised no one else did it as well.

      And yes...revenge is in the works. I've got bits and pieces of ideas that are slowly forming a master plan.

  3. I hear pregnancy brain is a beast - tell Ryan to cut you some slack :)

    Maybe this story will make you feel better. I actually did lock myself in the garage/out of the house right after we moved, i.e. before we hid a spare key. I was waving goodbye to my hubby from the man-door between the garage and laundry room and I shut the door behind me to keep the dogs in. My hubby had ever so nicely locked it before he rushed out to get to a meeting and I unwittingly followed him out (without my cell phone) and shut the door. Did I mention I was wearing only a short nightgown? Because I was. Ahem.

    I ended up pelting across the street after the coast was clear to the neighbor's house. (Oh hi, remember me, your new neighbor? Can I use your phone? And borrow a coat?) I called my mother-in-law who lives close by (after my own mother couldn't bring a key) and she happily drove over, key in hand, CRYING with laughter. Sigh.

    1. Pregnancy brain is weird. But then again my regular brain is weird. It's pretty difficult to distinguish between the two. Most of these things are things I would do even un-knocked-up.

      And yes that story does make me feel better :)

      It's always nice to have friends, be they IRL or otherwise who understand how that sort of thing can happen.

  4. Question, if you get locked in your garage, and you have your car key, does that mean that your house key would be on that keyring as well? What if you open your garage door, and you are technically "out of the garage" but CANNOT get into any of your other doors to your house, provided they are entry level?? I do not know all of the logistics of your townhome and garage situation, but would punch Ryan hard in the arm for this one. Love the reference to your grandmother and the stairs "oh she'll just see it later" ha ha ha. Oh Oh!!!! p.s! my cousin has THREE (3) goats! Not just two! The third is a boy and he is the smallest and the two girl goats are mean to him. I told her to take him inside and spoil him. I'll shut up now. :)

    1. My car key is just a fob thing that has to be in/near the car for it to start. I keep my actual keys to things in the house but we do have a spare key secreted away in case of lock-out. So although the front door was locked, I was able to let myself in with the key once I remembered where it had been hidden...

      And I'm so envious of the goats! I want a goat!

  5. I'm very concerned at the picture of Ryan with one pant leg hitched up. Has he gone gangsta? I really hope Lauren twerking classes are not next on the agenda.

    1. Ha! I never noticed that. He was probably hot. He pulls his pant legs up when he's hot. You'd think he'd just invest in some shorts. I'm honestly just pleased he's wearing a shirt in the picture.

  6. "I keep a running list on my phone of all the day-to-day inanities that occur and the ridiculous ideas that pop into my head"

    Well, there's an idea that probably should have occurred to me about, oh, five years ago when I got a smart phone. I'm not even three paragraphs into this and already this post about "nothing" has taught me something.

    I think you're forgetting that vampires don't come out in the daytime. I am pretty sure you would have been safe. Well, safe from that particular situation anyway.

    I notice in that picture Ryan is on the phone. Is that YOUR phone? Is that an actual photo showing him being EVIL? (Please read the word "evil" with a sort of Snidely Whiplash tone to it, mixed with the voice of Plankton from Spongebob Squarepants, because this is how it sounded in my head.)

    1. I looked at the photo again. That's...you know, I'm going to just run blindly with my original assumption. That's the biggest damn phone I've ever seen in my life. Big phone. Yup. Not a tablet at all. Phone.

    2. Ha! Love your second comment because I was just commenting back about that. To be fair, I think I threw the scale of the entire photo off when I added the dog.

      Also, yes I did forget that about vampires. Also forgot about how they have no reflections and I could have just brought a mirror along for proof.

  7. giant LOLZ at Ryan putting fake ideas on your list. Did you make him tell you what any of the other fake ones were??

    also, "sponge-worthy". so much win.

    1. He said the only one he could remember was one "Let me Bayou a drink" which was a topic that bugged me for like three days until I reluctantly decided I'd never remember why it was funny. If I remember correctly he brought me home a Heath Bar Blizzard after that incident. Must have been feeling guilty.

      And I'm glad someone remembers that episode. Ryan and I bought all the seasons of Seinfeld on DVD when we were freshmen in college and rewatched them late at night on Saturdays for the entire year. We were incredibly lame.

  8. ROFLMAO love this post and I totally would have been singing with you so I can't say anything there. Kudos for the this is why I'm hot reference as well.

    1. Thanks! I love me some MIMS. Or that is the only song I know by Mims. One of those two things.

  9. Even though it's the product of a nefarious deed, the "Esca-Now-and-Laters" actually sounds pretty awesome. I'm proud of Ryan for coming up with that.

    After the "Bad Ryan, Bad!" of course.

  10. I have so much love for this post! And you and your poor pregnancy brain! I had the same thing when I was pregnant, it was so bad. You are so hilarious!

  11. I can never figure out to post either. Usually it ends up as photos of cats or mostly unintelligible blather.

  12. TurtleGirl939/18/2013

    Delurking to say I can't believe no one has commented on Ambiguously Hay Duo. That would be hysterical, especially if you used the My Little Pony cartoon horsies.

  13. Amanda W.9/24/2013

    Just wanted to say that I don't comment very much, but I read your blog every day, and I think you are totally great and fantastic and...just generally awesome. So...yes. High five. :) Cheers from Switzerland!


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