We Came Here To Shop And We Came Here To Flirt. Let's Go To The Mall, Today.

Good Afternoon Blogstalkers.

As you all probably know by now, I have a difficult time going places and then not humiliating myself once I get there.  I've booty danced with a stranger at the grocery store, bared my bare rear end in a doctor's office and even embarrassed myself in a fancy department store by shouting inappropriate things about undergarments.

Looking back, I realize that all of those stories involved my derriere in one way or another.  This one does not.  But seriously you guys, it was a near miss and that is almost as bad.  I was so close to another  keister disaster yesterday that I had this conversation with my dad (who works in insurance) on arriving home from the store.

Dad: This is Ed.

Me: Yes hello Ed I'm calling to get a quote on insurance for my..uhh...*whispers* tush.

Dad: Oh hello Oldest Daughter.  Hold a moment and I'll just go ahead and grab a J-Lo insurance form.  *Hangs up*

Dad: This is Ed.

Me: Hi you accidentally hung up on me again.  You are terrible at using the hold button.  And I don't want J-Lo insurance.  I want like...the opposite of that?

Dad: So...she has insurance on her backside in case something destructive were to happen to it... which means you want insurance for an instance in which your butt causes something destructive to happen to someone or something else?

Me: Yes exactly.  Like malpractice insurance but for butts.  Mal-Ass-Tice Insurance.  I just don't want to be help responsible if like... my skirt comes untied on the ferris wheel again.

Dad: I've got to go.  Stop calling me at work.

Me: FINE then you can't use the jingle I wrote you!  *singing* Call us for the Procurence of Posterior Insurance Doo Doo Deedle Doo.  Moneymakers could be a big moneymaker for you DAD.

Dad: Please hold.  *Hangs Up*

So sadly the insurance thing is a no-go.  For now.  But let me get on to the point of this entry.

Ryan and I have a wedding to attend both this weekend and next weekend.  In preparation we recently went out and purchased Ryan a new suit since the one he's been wearing until now is from approximately ten years ago and requires the use of two safety pins to prevent onlookers from seeing an indecent flash of man leg.

So I thought we were all set for the weddings.  Until yesterday when Ryan called me and let me know that he needed a couple of more things to go with his suit, "Not a lot, just boxers, undershirts, a new collared shirt and a tie to match...but that's it.  Oh also socks."

Thus off to Nordstrom I traipsed.  And there found a nice gentleman to help me in the men's department.

He was all, "What can I help you with miss?"  And I was all, "Well basically my husband is a ragamuffin." And then we whiled away a good couple of hours together.

After which I went to eat lunch alone with my book.  Until a nice older lady told me I had a kind face and asked me if she could share my booth.  Her name was Gertrude and she was full of knowledge about how much panty hose used to cost (a handful of nickels!) and whether or not our waitress was a whipper-snapper (she was!)  And then when we were leaving Trudes was all, "You know, my granddaughter is always telling me, Grandma, you don't make friends with salad, but today I think I've proven her wrong."

So the day had turned out delightfully but I'm pregnant and always tired and so I was ready to head home....after I made just the quickest stop in the women's dress department.  Once there an associate named Barrie basically cornered me and made me wait in the fitting rooms while she brought me armloads of dresses to try on.

It was between said armloads, while I was only wearing underwear and a voluminous silky slip thing that went under one of the other garments so that I could open the door with some semblance of propriety when Barrie returned, when I thought I would sit on the little leather bench in my fitting room and close my eyes for JUST A SECOND.

The next thing I knew I was awoken to a frightful knocking sound and being still half asleep I panicked and sort of lurched forward on the tiny bench. At which point my silken garment stuck to the leather seat (but not to my seat) and my arms were thrown up over my head and I rushed headlong down the slippery dress tube that had been covering my parts and landed with a thump on the floor.  My arms and head were still stuck in the spiteful undergown so I could not see what was happening but I was POSITIVE that one of my newly benuded legs was jutting out from underneath the door.

It turns out my misgivings were not misguided and indeed all of the women in the fitting rooms, including Barrie, who of course had been doing the knocking, were looking down at the palest thigh they had even seen in a common area of a well-appointed shop.

"Ahhh Vanessa help!" I shouted because that is one of the things I shout most often in times of lady terror.  But of course my best friend was of no help whatsoever in this instance, being that she was not there and the next thing I knew Barrie had opened the door and was helping me right all of the grievous wrongs that were taking place in that tiny fitting room.

Once I could properly see and had been able to scramble to my feet and smooth the treacherous piece of silk down around my body I said, "I don't think this piece will do at all.  Have you anything less revealing?"

::sigh::

I did end up finding a dress that is made of pink and sparkles and makes me look like a cake though and alls well that ends well right?  Just say yes ok?

14 comments:

  1. Yes.

    Can we please have a picture of you in said pink sparkly cake dress for obliging you by saying yes? I have never seen a pink sparkly cake dress.

    And thank you for the laugh, as usual. You are too much. I'm sorry for your humiliation, but it really does make for delightful reading.

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    1. Sure! You'll have to wait until after this weekend for pictures though since that is when I'll not only be wearing a dress but probably have done my hair and makeup as well.

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    2. Sounds fair. Have fun at the wedding!

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  2. Bethany H7/24/2013

    I'm 6 weeks pregnant and similarly inclined to embarassing, uncoordinated hijinks. I can't wait to see what kind of messes I get myself into over the next 7 1/2 months for my husband to roll his eyes at.

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    Replies
    1. I'm only just past my fourth month but I've already got this enormous (at least it seems that way to me) bump that just gets in the way of everything! It's like I have to relearn to do all of the things I already learned to do when I was a child. Like walking and jumping rope.

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  3. I'm very glad I'm not the only one that has dressing room mishaps! I never shop alone for the simple fact that I all to often get stuck in shirts and need help and don't want to subject the sales girls to my wobbly bits.

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  4. Of course it does! :-)

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  5. I'm sorry that your tush caused much problems. However, your dress sounds most magnificent!!!

    I want a cupcake dress!!!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  6. Lauren, you dear girl, I think you have to master the art of waking up while pretending to still be asleep. This goes hand in hand with not being startled awake. For, sometime in the near-ish future, you will have the sweet bedazzled bejebus scared out of you by your mini me standing next to your bed (probably moments after she just taught herself how to climb out of her crib) just staring at you until you wake up. Possibly whispering "mommy", possibly just sucking her thumb, and your flight response could end with her being upset and or knocked over. My son (aka "the boy") turns 14 tomorrow and just yesterday he ran into my room, thinking I was awake, and yelled "SNEAK ATTACK!!!!" It took all of my 14 years of mommy training not to knock his block off while simultaneously having a heart attack. Do you know how I did this? I didn't even move. I have more of a fight response naturally, so I become still (like a ninja, not like a deer) when I am startled, that way I don't accidentally punch someone I shouldn't. I usually don't scream when startled anymore either because when The Boy was small he did the staring thing and I did shriek the first time and it scared him. You need to get Ryan to startle you awake so you can master this technique. Thus begins your training as a Momja (mommy ninja).

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  7. Aw sweetie.....here's the good thing. You're pregnant. Which means that absolutely everything you do, silly or otherwise, will be only thought of as absolutely adorable. Although, you're pretty darn adorable all the time.
    Have fun at the wedding!

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  8. Aha! So you get it from your dad. :)

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  9. Yes.

    And trust me - this is bound to happen to me when I get pregnant. I'm hoping that Barrie at least laughed and didn't get all snotty and condescending towards you in that way that makes you want to scream "WHATEVER. YOU WORK IN A DEPARTMENT STORE."

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  10. Your Dad is hilarious. As are you. And I feel as though I ought to wish you a less clumsy life, but these incidents make for such entertaining blog fodder.

    So I'm sorry. I cannot wish that for you.

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