I Have Been A Fool For Lesser Things

How you doin' Blogstalkers?

Me? Oh I'm excellent.  Feeling pretty great today and yesterday and so for some reason I found it necessary to clean, among other things, all of the walls.

And then Ryan came home and was like "Wow nice, it looks great in here, are you teething?"

And I was like, "Teething? I don't think so... but why don't you come over here and stick your hand in my mouth and check?"

I think he meant nesting.

He's been losing his mind a bit lately.  Take exhibit B into consideration for example:


So as he's clearly headed for the nuthouse if things continue in the same vein, I thought I would try to do something (keyword TRY) to ease his troubled mind, namely, write him a song.  Or change the words of an already written song because writing a song from scratch is hard.

I decided on a masterpiece of a song written by Billy Joel.  And thus it began:


The Longest Time
lyrics by Lauren Gallagher and Billy Joel
(names in no particular order probably)

If you said goodbye to me tonight,
there would still be blog posts left to write.
But first I'd catch you
and whisper softly to you,
You're going nowhere for the longest time.

Well that is creepy Lauren. 

Once I was a nerd-girl sad and wan
waiting for my prince while kissing frogs. 
That's where you found me
and somehow didn't see the gawky
frizzy, nervous, unplucked mess I was at times.

Another excellent stanza.  Good job at trying to uplift your husband and instead making him remember how his wife is awkward and terrible at timely depilation.  Not to mention creepy.

Oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
Oh, oh, oh
For the longest time

Wow really just pounding in the creepy nail there.

Now I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall,**
in your dreams and at work when I call,
to say I need you
to pick up cheese and dog food
bleach and staples, matches don't ask why.

It's NOT because I'm in a teensy fight with the dry cleaner and tried to do at home dry cleaning and did something terrible to the shirt you were planning to wear to a wedding next weekend.  And that if the bleach and staples fix I have planned doesn't work I am going to just burn the evidence.

**(good one Billy, I didn't have to change that at ALL)

Some thought this wouldn't last very long
that we'd start to fight
that we'd stop getting along.
But you've only grown in my regard
you laugh when I'm bizarre
And there's more where that came from.

So much more.

Now who knows where this life of ours will lead
but I'll take a guess at just one thing
we'll take our chances
give each other all our dances
and stay together 'til the end of time.

Oh blech.  Yuck.  And what is this wetness on my face?  Pregnancy has broken my brain.  I shall stop there.  Not while I'm ahead mind you.  Just...there.

So yeah.. let's play a game where you all prove you are better song-writers than I am.  How would you redo the first stanza of the song? (Starting with "If You...) You can write it to anyone.  Like..for example...just off the top of my head: Your husband, your best friend, the waitress at the restaurant last night who was either wearing a skort or a skirt that was entirely too short and you couldn't tell which and it was bothering you so you dropped a fork and tried to check with absolutely no luck.  And sort of fell off your chair instead because you are unwieldy and entirely too pregnant for only being 15 weeks pregnant.

OR if you are a fan of Jesse and The Rippers (and who is not) and are excited about them appearing on Jimmy Fallon this Friday.  (SERIOUSLY THIS IS HAPPENING) then feel free instead to rewrite the first part of their song...you know..

If every word I said,
Could make you laugh
I'd talk Forever.

38 comments:

  1. Are you teething. Snort. That's good stuff.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah I don't know why on earth that was the word that came out of his mouth...but it was.

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  2. this is why i read your blog, awesome rewritten songs and important updates about Uncle Jesse!

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    Replies
    1. Yes...AWESOME rewritten songs indeed.

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  3. Am I the only looney that hears the music playing in her head and as she fits the words into the song?

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    Replies
    1. Well I suppose that makes me loony too as I did that the entire time I was attempting to reword the dang thing.

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    2. Nope, I was doing the exact same thing!

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    3. I did it too. Nearly went to find a karoke version online as my tempo got all screwed up... (Yeah, dork prize to me!)

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  4. Thanks for the tip about Jesse and the Rippers. Oh, Uncle Jesse! *swoon*

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    Replies
    1. Ryan texted me about it yesterday and I seriously screamed.

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  5. I'm so busting out my Jesse and the Rippers t-shirt for Friday (yes, I own one!)As such I shall write my stanza to John Stamos:
    You played Uncle Jesse on Full House
    The flames in my heart, you can't douse
    You're still so dreamy
    And Oikos yogurt's creamy
    Why John, I've loved you for the longest time.

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    Replies
    1. You are much better at rewriting Billy Joel songs than I am. Have mercy.

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    2. Nonsense! I never could have worked bleach, staples, and cheese into a stanza. Now THAT's talent!

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    3. Yes...talent. Either that or actually just taking words directly off of this week's grocery list and placing them in the song.

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    4. OMG I love you both. So So Much. Lyrics are coming. I'm thinking hard. And like a week late. Forgive me.

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  6. I see no reason to rewrite the first part. I love the sentimental yet vaguely threatening part about catching him and whispering, you're going nowhere for the longest time.

    I happen to love that song, so sang right along as I read it. I could not top it in any way, shape or form.

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    Replies
    1. Haha thanks. I did feel a bit creepy typing that first part out.

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  7. Umm, every word you say makes me laugh. So thanks for being ridiculous on a regular basis. I really do appreciate it :)

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    Replies
    1. Oh sure! It's under appreciated around here I am sure so it's nice to hear.

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  8. This. Is. Glorious.

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    Replies
    1. Ha. Glad you liked it!

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  9. I am incredibly impressed by your songwriting so I am not even going to attempt to rewrite any of it. But "teething" *snort* and the yum? BAHAHAHA. Oh Ryan. You're amazing.

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    Replies
    1. Well he certainly thinks he is anyway....

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  10. Laurie7/17/2013

    To my husband: If you said you're leaving me tonight I know you'd put up one hell of a fight as I drugged you and put you in the basement too oh how you'd suffer for the longest time.

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    Replies
    1. Yes. That sounds exactly right.

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    2. Laurie7/17/2013

      Rewriting song lyrics is one of my very weird talents. I particularly like to sing vaguely threatening ones to my husband just to keep him the right amount of afraid.

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    3. Laurie, your comments just made my day because sometimes it's nice to know I'm not the only one who does stuff like that!

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  11. If you said goodbye to me tonight,
    I'd probably do a dance in sheer delight
    You're a sweet old lady,
    but you drive me crazy
    And you haven't gone on vacation for the longest time.

    Dedicated to my mother of course who has lived with me since December 2005 and has been boycotting my brother's house since the middle of last year.

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  12. Massive lolz at the teething comment.
    I thought it was just women who got baby brain.
    Men, eh!

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  13. Haha, teething and yum make my think that RYAN is unintentionally perfect fodder for your blog.
    My husband took our two girls out and about for the day and like any totally normal person who has been gifted with a day to herself I too cleaned my walls! And every surface in the house that was possibly cleanable. And the really sad part is how excited I was to be doing it without anyone underfoot, because it meant that I'd get to enjoy a brief period of sitting in my totally well organized and clean house for a little while before they came back home and immediately turned it back into a place that looks like squatters are living in.
    Who needs a social life when I can have thirty minutes of clean house joy?

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  14. This will be sad, so I'm warning you in advance...
    Written to my 12.9 year old dog, Toby, who was diagnosed with cancer this week.

    If you told me five short years ago
    That I'd let you sleep under my nose (ah ah ah)
    I'd have said you're crazy
    But now you're my sweetest baby
    And I want you around for the longest time

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    Replies
    1. Oh Amanda I'm so sorry. I know how much dogs wiggle their way into our hearts and entire lives.

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  15. Ode to a Wednesday night of overindulgence

    If you didn’t tastes so delicious
    You are anything but nutricious
    But I didn’t care
    Oh I should have shared
    I’ll be hungover for the longest time

    I am no longer twenty one
    With three hours of sleep, work is no fun
    Last night I drank with glee
    Palm Bays will be the death of me
    I’ll be hungover for the longest time

    For anyone who doesn't get the reference - Palm Bays are a FANTASTIC vodka based cooler

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  16. Did you mean to make your screenshot pinterest-able? :P
    Also the teething thing made me crack up.

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    Replies
    1. The pinterest thing is a new default on all of my pictures. There's no identifying info on the screenshot so I didn't take the time to remove the functionality. Also, I don't know how. So there's that.

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  17. If you would just leave me tonight.
    My homework: Finish it I might.
    But first I'd check Facebook,
    and then Pinterest; Procrastinate, I do best.
    So my homework takes the longest time.

    Wo-ooo
    Takes the longest time.
    Wo-ooo
    Takes the longest time.

    When you let me my have space,
    You trusted me to work today.
    But, I read books and blogs; all on my Nook.
    So my homework will take the longest time.

    That is me today in a nutshell....

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  18. gmarie7/18/2013

    I can't write songs. I just wanted to say "hi"!

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  19. If you said goodbye to me tonight
    You'd be back before the morning's light
    What else would you do?
    You know you adore me too
    That love will stay here for the longest time.

    ReplyDelete

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