Brushing Up On My Social Niceties

Hola Blogstalkers!

So this past weekend was a busy one for me.  I attended BlogHer '13 on Thursday/Friday and then carred (like jetted but in an automobile) off to Detroit for a good friend's wedding on Saturday.  I was so tired when we got home Sunday that I just collapsed on my bed at Six P.M. and slept for seven hours, at which point I (half)woke up starving, crawled up to the kitchen, sliced up a couple of cucumbers and went back to bed, bowl of raw vegetables in hand.

Which explains why I woke up another eight hours later in a bed littered with pieces of squashed squash and a text from Ryan (who had left for work) that said "I know you thought those zucchinis were cucumbers."

But anyway.

I'm not going to do a full rundown of the BlogHer conference here.  Instead I just thought I would give you a couple of the highlights.

Thursday

** I accidentally dressed up like a pumpkin.

** Because I was so orange and rotund people kept touching my stomach and asking when I was due. The first couple of times I didn't think twice and was all "Oh January 7th".  But after reactions to that varied from "I would have guessed you were much much further along.", to "How many babies are in there!?" to someone literally pretending to play the drums on my belly, I decided to alter my answer just a bit.  So when another stranger would ask I would respond with one of the following:

"This Winter." 

OR

"After the last leaf falls and the coyotes' howls to the Harvest Moon fade in the crisp air."

OR

"You look like a really good guesser, why don't you guess when I am due."  And then when they would say, "Halloween?"  I would say, "Yes....then."

**At one point my eyes alit on The Pillsbury Doughboy and I said to myself, "Self, he is HUGE.  If you were to take a picture with him then you would look less Pumpkin and more Cinderella Carriage I would bet."

But that was not a true story.

Lauren at Four Months Pregnant With Only One Baby.

**When I finally made it home from BlogHer on Thursday night I was exhausted and so I told Ryan I was going to just, "go slither into bed like a tiny Lauren-Snake", to which he was all, "Yeah like a tiny Lauren-Snake that is currently digesting an antelope."

Friday

**I woke up early and made it to the breakfast where they were supposed to be giving us tips on how to network efficiently at BlogHer but instead showed us slides that literally said things like "Smile When You Meet New People" and "Look At The New Person and Offer Your Hand In Welcome."

**At this point everyone was looking around, catching each other's eye rolls and snorting indignantly like, "We know we are socially awkward internet people but REALLY.  What is the next slide going to say? No Hitting?"

**I was still giggling furiously at the end of the presentation when my friend Katie from Words For Worms politely let me know I had a bit of spinach stuck in my teeth.  At which point I so hurriedly got up to rush to the bathroom to correct the wrong that I stuck part of my hand in my bowl of yogurt.

**On the way to the washroom someone stopped me to introduce me to another blogger.  I was unable to smile at them because of the spinach and I was unable to shake their hand because of the yogurt so I did a quick grimace and salute instead.  So...Touché Blogher slides.  Touché.

**The rest of the day passed pretty quickly and soon it was time for the Voices Of The Year banquet thing at which I was being honored in Humor for This Post.  Queen Latifah was hosting and I had made it my evening's goal to meet her.

**After she had completed her hosting duties all of the honorees were invited on stage to take a picture with the Queen.  I was sort of close to her but not nearly close enough to shake her hand or politely tap her on the arm and ask her to OMG please take a Selfie with me.  So getting desperate I found myself doing the only thing I could think of to get her to look my way.  I slid off one of my shoes and started stretching out my untoned leg in the direction of her magnificent legs.  I'm not sure why I thought grazing her calf with my toes and then smiling gently at her when she whipped around all affronted would be appropriate but I very nearly did just that.  Fortunately she was rushed off stage and then I came to my senses.  Then I sent an email to the people that had run the breakfast asking for a copy of their presentation.

**At the very end of the night I made to the room where all of the honoree's posts had been blown up on foam board and scattered around the room.  I quickly took my picture with my board and then said goodbye to BlogHer and headed home to try to get some sleep before my early Saturday morning wake up call.


** Later that night my darling husband ventured back to the BlogHer hotel and convinced the people in charge to give him my sign.  Then he somehow, by utilizing a number of bungee cords and our incredibly large sunroof, loaded it into our car and brought it home and up three flights of stairs for me. He's pretty great sometimes, that husband of mine.

So that's about it.  I must go now.  Ryan and I have an ongoing argument in which he insists that he does not need to wear a helmet while riding his bike to work and I insist OH YES HE DOES.  And then he says, "It's only four blocks away and there are no other cars or people around that early in the morning!" and I say "But that's not all helmets protect against! Remember when someone threw an empty milk carton off their balcony and it smacked me right in the top of the head!" and he says "I remember you shouting THE SKY IS FALLING! and that you weren't even on a bike at the time." and I say "But do you promise me that if something like that happens to you then you will start wearing a helmet?" and he says "Fine Lauren, if something falls out of the sky directly onto the top of my head while I am riding my bike to or from work then I will start wearing a helmet."

That argument is about to be settled once and for all today.

It's not like the neighbors could think any more ridiculous things of me than they do already anyway.

43 comments:

  1. I'm actually jealous of your cute bump. I'm 18.4 and still don't have a real, visible bump. I just look fat still.

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    1. Oh normally I love the bump (of which some might still be bloat for sure) but I was so surprised Thursday with the number of people that wanted to rub their hands all over my body. It was disconcerting. And it made me feel huge.

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    2. Yeah, I guess that's one good thing about not really looking pregnant. Nobody is trying to rub my belly. Not sure how I'm going to take it when someone does.

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    3. That was the first time it had happened for me but it was CRAZY! I might just start rubbing their bellies back next time it happens. So weird.

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    4. Get a shirt that says, "If you didn't put it here, then don't touch"

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    5. Or maybe I'll just start charging people Fun Size Candy Bars. Because I will let people do a lot of things to me for a candy bar.

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    6. Samantha7/30/2013

      One of my friends started reaching for purses to go through when people reached out to touch her belly without asking permission first. Hey, they invade her personal space, she invades theirs. Another friend would reach by slapping hands as though they were naughty children. People learned not to touch them without asking first. :)

      Oh, and yet another of my friends is married to a guy that was a bike messenger in Chicago several years ago. A chair fell/blew off a balcony and hit his bike. He wrecked. And was lucky it hit the bike and not him directly as if that had happened, he'd be dead. And he was lucky he was wearing his helmet.

      Ask Ryan about his ride home. Does he wear a helmet then? Because I'm sure there are other people and drivers around when he comes home! So his logic of "I don't need a helmet because no one is around" has a GIANT hole in it.

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    7. When people (strangers and old people) tried to rub my belly when I was pregnant, I would growl at them because they just thought that it was ok to reach right out and touch me. After a while, I started slapping people's hands away, and once, even bit an old lady on the shoulder for accosting me with her determination to rub my belly. Needless to say, I wasn't allowed out in public again after that.

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  2. You are ridiculously hilarious and I love it! Also, congratulations!

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  3. You are a mad genius. A pregnant, awesome, pumpkin-like, mad genius.

    You can also tell him that you did this because of the "digesting an antelope" comment. Or, you know, don't, and just let him wonder.

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    1. I'm honestly just doing it to keep him safe. I'm all about safety. Which is why I also plan on tying a jump rope to my pumpkin waist and to something inside the house so I don't topple off the balcony whilst lobbing water balloons at my husband.

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  4. I know this lady who looked like she was carrying triplets but really it was only one baby and she was only six months pregnant. But man, she looked like she was about to pop.

    I think the foam board should be placed on top of your bed. Or on the ceiling. Either one.

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    1. I fully think it's partially still bloat and partially the complete lack of ab muscles that is creating my enormous-for-almost-five-months-stomach. It's very weird.

      And I have totally considered over the bed!

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  5. Anonymous7/30/2013

    When you are pregnant you somehow become public property and everyone thinks it's ok to touch you and comment. At 7 mos. when a woman told me, "you're HUGE!!!" in a very loud voice in a very public place, I retorted, "you're RUDE!!!!" and burst into tears. My husband quickly hustled me into the car.

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    1. My aunt recently told me "YOU'RE ENORMOUS!!!" and I freaked and said "Well you could show a movie on your butt!" and then burst into tears because then I felt bad for insulting her (she's actually quite thin). And then everyone laughed at me. I totally get it.

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  6. I think the breakfast slides were totally justified because the only response ever after having asked any woman ever about her pregnancy (and this is qualified by, they must have first been told by said pregnant lady "Hello. I am pregnant. So you can talk to me about pregnancy things related to my girth and I will not be offended as I really am preggo) is "Congratulations!"

    and that is it.

    Exhibit A: "I am due in January and it is only July and I know I look stunning but feel like a hippo"
    "Congratulations! You glow! You are beautiful!"

    Exhibit B: "I am due with only one baby, from conception until this point in time. If another baby appears, that will be awkward" "Congratulations! You glow! You are beautiful!"

    ok, I guess the other two statements can be added in too, but that is IT!

    p.s. Congratulations! You glow! You look beautiful! :)

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    Replies
    1. haha! Thank you Kande. That comment was perfect and lovely.

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  7. I've heard horrible things about people just walking up and feeling your stomach. I am so glad I am never having children because I think MY natural reaction is to slap that person! Also, I have two small(er) friends that had babies and they basically grew out much quicker than anyone else. Maybe you have less room?

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    1. I have a short torso so that is part of the problem and I guess the baby is all jammed up against my front, according to my doctor. Plus I have no abdominal muscles of which to speak. I sort of love it most of the time. But the random stranger touching is weird.

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  8. How did I miss the yogurt incident? I still think you did fine. I mean, you didn't bite anyone, OR ask them to join a cult. That's more than I can say for myself.

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    1. Wait who did you bite!? Did I miss that or only forget it? I don't think it was me...

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    2. I bit a prop for one of the photo booths... And probably Chrissy at some point. I also tried to convince people I was Kate Middleton with a crocodile hunter accent? This is what happens when I drink.

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    3. Now I am really sad I missed the Kate Middleton scene. I love a good accent.

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  9. Oh my yes, I get asked EVERY DAY by the SAME PEOPLE why I haven't had my baby yet, and I'm like because he isn't getting here until November... just like yesterday.... and the day before that... and last week.

    On the plus side since we are having a boy my husband takes great pride in telling everyone we are having a "large masculine child" - this gets him congratulations. Unlike me, I get head shakes and "poor woman" I"m glad he is all big and healthy thank you very much!

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    1. First, congratulations!

      I keep being so confused about how I can be so showy if my baby is supposedly only the size of like a sweet potato at this moment but I guess the combination of zero muscles and a baby that insists on being all front and center is doing the job. Plus Ryan was a big baby and so I'm already measuring ahead so it's like the most perfect storm ever.

      I completely agree with you on the big and healthy thing. Especially after I was so sick and worried about the baby.

      I wish you a lovely 3-4 more months of pregnancy and a squirmy squally healthy boy!

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    2. Well, it is something that can be typical with subsequent pregnancies, "showing" early, I guess because the muscles etc. remember "oh yes, we need to make room for a baby, BOOM!"

      If only the ladyparts wereso accommodating upon labour and delivery time, but anyhoo ... it happens with second, third etc. babies who are still only miniscule, so of course could happen with first babies too. It isn't about the size of the baby, more how quickly the uterus is expanding, and is affected by what you already mentioned (where you are carrying, state of abdominal muscles, etc).. But. It does not have infinite growing ability, so typically you look further along than you think you should for a bit, but then you stay status quo and your months along becomes kosher with your belly-size.

      Or not, and who cares? You glow, you look beautiful :)

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  10. I think you look fabulous and I'm a bit jealous of your glorious bump. It's amusing how different people are. I'm only due a week after you are and I barely look pregnant at all - mostly just like I ate too many burritos. Which may be entirely true, but is still not a favorable look. Definitely not looking forward to the random stranger touching... I get slappy.

    Congrats on your Voices of the Year honor!

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    1. Thanks Sara!

      There are a lot of factors contributing to my size at the moment. Mostly that the baby is currently trying to climb out my belly button or something. Which given the alternative I might prefer actually.....

      Honestly I went from looking like I'd eaten too many quesadillas one night to being like "WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH!?" the next morning. It was crazy. And only happened like ten days ago.

      The random stranger touching is weird. I had been warned about it but it still took me entirely by surprise!

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  11. Glad you had a great trip to BlogHer and hope you had a change of clothes waiting for Ryan after you dunked his head with the water balloons. I think the bump is adorable but I will caution against any solid colors that remind people of other objects. A cousin was very fond of yellow but by the end of her pregnancy there were frequent and somewhat accurate descriptions of her as about the size of a cute sized school bus. Even the father started making those scary beep beep beep noises when she couldn't see where she was going. It was so sad.

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  12. You look great! Congratulations on your award!

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  13. I'm always surprised at how rude people are when someone is pregnant. If they're strangers they have no right to ask my personal questions about due dates, sex and the like. No one has the right to touch me when I don't want you to. I think it was my second pregnancy when a woman came running across the mall with her arms extended to rub my bump. She doesn't know how lucky she was that I found a smidge of self control. I was about ready to knock her into orbit.

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  14. You, madame, are brilliant. Please let us know how that goes. Also, congrats on being honored and for being in such close proximity to the Queen! I'm super jealous.

    I'm also jealous that you me the Pillsbury Dough Boy. I can't lie about that.

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  15. Anonymous7/30/2013

    Don't worry about your belly. Went my mom was near her due date everyone thought she was having triplets. Nope. She was not. Just me. All 10 pounds 10 ounces of me. (She needed a c-section) Nurses would come to her hospital room just to see my largeness. I know some people think that big babies equal big adults, but this was not true for me. (Knock on wood). Also, when my mom was pregnant with her third, she had my dad paint a pumpkin on her belly for Halloween.

    Anyways, good luck!

    Lauren

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  16. First of all, congratulations! I'm pregnant as well (baby girl due in September, hoorah!) and I wouldn't stand people I don't know touching my belly, I think I would subconsciously slap them on the wrist :D and then, paradoxically, feel bad because I am the one being rude to strangers...
    On a totally unrelated note, I just recently discovered your blog and read through it while I was in my pregnant-therefore-tired-literally-all-the-time state; you're hilarious and you've gotten yourself another reader-for-life! (If you have a thingie that checks your blog stats, I'll be the reader from Slovenia, Europe visiting at odd hours of the night from September on, I imagine...) All the best to you, RYAN and sugar-spice-and-something-nice little one! :)

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  17. I'm not sure my belly is that big and I'm due in 2 weeks. At 4 to 5 months I was only looking fat. I constantly thought people at the gym were starring at me thinking I was the fat girl walking on the treadmill and I just wanted to yell "I'm 4 months pregnant this is tougher than it looks!"

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  18. Anonymous7/31/2013

    I think your plan to teach Ryan about safety is brillant! But, honestly...I can't believe he agreed to your scenario. It's like he doesn't even know you! So, because he did the "husband" thing and just agreed to what you asked without thinking it through, he just might deserve a bucket full of water balloons on the head. Pictures of the aftermath, please!

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  19. Tell Ryan that a squirrel tried to kill me while I was on my bike. I'm sure even in the city you have squirrels and remind him that those rats with wings (pigeons) don't care where they leave their mark, heads are no different than windshields to them is all I'm saying. I always wear my helmet because really who wants their brains splattered all over the sidewalk, broken bones can be fixed, broken brains not so much.

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  20. Anonymous7/31/2013

    I Love your picture with the Pillsbury Dough Boy:)
    When I was pregnant I carried my kids straight out also. One day when I was 8 months along with my oldest daughter. I was walking down the hall at work and someone came up from behind me and said "oh my you are Huge from the back you don't even look pregnant. " I was like ummmmm ok, I don't have a baby in my backside. People are so weird to pregnant ladies, and most of the time its women.

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  21. Anonymous8/01/2013

    My dad's sure fire way of getting us to wear our helmets was always "You're too old to relearn the alphabet." It has stuck with me thus far...

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  22. i laughed out loud when i got to the picture of the water balloons. that is a wonderfully efficient way to convince ryan that he should wear a helmet (and possibly a poncho) when he rides his bike. he's so lucky to have you to look out for him! ;)

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  23. Anonymous8/01/2013

    May I offer a suggestion on helmets for male bike riders who think they don't need 'em? My ex was a pro bicyclist and we resolved that one early on: a la Lysistrata. (Remember the Trojan Women?) No helmet? No sex. Quick, dirty but effective.

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  24. In Boston (as per a public radio study on bikes vs cars vs pedestrians)they found that roughly (from my memory, couldn't find it on their website) 74% of bike riders wore helmets but of those who had to go to the hospital after an accident only 44%-ish had them on. Also, there are cool helmets like this: http://www.wgbhnews.org/post/bike-helmet-lights-displays-riders-mood

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