So this past weekend was a busy one for me. I attended BlogHer '13 on Thursday/Friday and then carred (like jetted but in an automobile) off to Detroit for a good friend's wedding on Saturday. I was so tired when we got home Sunday that I just collapsed on my bed at Six P.M. and slept for seven hours, at which point I (half)woke up starving, crawled up to the kitchen, sliced up a couple of cucumbers and went back to bed, bowl of raw vegetables in hand.
Which explains why I woke up another eight hours later in a bed littered with pieces of squashed squash and a text from Ryan (who had left for work) that said "I know you thought those zucchinis were cucumbers."
I'm not going to do a full rundown of the BlogHer conference here. Instead I just thought I would give you a couple of the highlights.
** I accidentally dressed up like a pumpkin.
** Because I was so orange and rotund people kept touching my stomach and asking when I was due. The first couple of times I didn't think twice and was all "Oh January 7th". But after reactions to that varied from "I would have guessed you were much much further along.", to "How many babies are in there!?" to someone literally pretending to play the drums on my belly, I decided to alter my answer just a bit. So when another stranger would ask I would respond with one of the following:
"After the last leaf falls and the coyotes' howls to the Harvest Moon fade in the crisp air."
"You look like a really good guesser, why don't you guess when I am due." And then when they would say, "Halloween?" I would say, "Yes....then."
**At one point my eyes alit on The Pillsbury Doughboy and I said to myself, "Self, he is HUGE. If you were to take a picture with him then you would look less Pumpkin and more Cinderella Carriage I would bet."
But that was not a true story.
|Lauren at Four Months Pregnant With Only One Baby.|
**When I finally made it home from BlogHer on Thursday night I was exhausted and so I told Ryan I was going to just, "go slither into bed like a tiny Lauren-Snake", to which he was all, "Yeah like a tiny Lauren-Snake that is currently digesting an antelope."
**I woke up early and made it to the breakfast where they were supposed to be giving us tips on how to network efficiently at BlogHer but instead showed us slides that literally said things like "Smile When You Meet New People" and "Look At The New Person and Offer Your Hand In Welcome."
**At this point everyone was looking around, catching each other's eye rolls and snorting indignantly like, "We know we are socially awkward internet people but REALLY. What is the next slide going to say? No Hitting?"
**I was still giggling furiously at the end of the presentation when my friend Katie from Words For Worms politely let me know I had a bit of spinach stuck in my teeth. At which point I so hurriedly got up to rush to the bathroom to correct the wrong that I stuck part of my hand in my bowl of yogurt.
**On the way to the washroom someone stopped me to introduce me to another blogger. I was unable to smile at them because of the spinach and I was unable to shake their hand because of the yogurt so I did a quick grimace and salute instead. So...Touché Blogher slides. Touché.
**The rest of the day passed pretty quickly and soon it was time for the Voices Of The Year banquet thing at which I was being honored in Humor for This Post. Queen Latifah was hosting and I had made it my evening's goal to meet her.
**After she had completed her hosting duties all of the honorees were invited on stage to take a picture with the Queen. I was sort of close to her but not nearly close enough to shake her hand or politely tap her on the arm and ask her to OMG please take a Selfie with me. So getting desperate I found myself doing the only thing I could think of to get her to look my way. I slid off one of my shoes and started stretching out my untoned leg in the direction of her magnificent legs. I'm not sure why I thought grazing her calf with my toes and then smiling gently at her when she whipped around all affronted would be appropriate but I very nearly did just that. Fortunately she was rushed off stage and then I came to my senses. Then I sent an email to the people that had run the breakfast asking for a copy of their presentation.
**At the very end of the night I made to the room where all of the honoree's posts had been blown up on foam board and scattered around the room. I quickly took my picture with my board and then said goodbye to BlogHer and headed home to try to get some sleep before my early Saturday morning wake up call.
So that's about it. I must go now. Ryan and I have an ongoing argument in which he insists that he does not need to wear a helmet while riding his bike to work and I insist OH YES HE DOES. And then he says, "It's only four blocks away and there are no other cars or people around that early in the morning!" and I say "But that's not all helmets protect against! Remember when someone threw an empty milk carton off their balcony and it smacked me right in the top of the head!" and he says "I remember you shouting THE SKY IS FALLING! and that you weren't even on a bike at the time." and I say "But do you promise me that if something like that happens to you then you will start wearing a helmet?" and he says "Fine Lauren, if something falls out of the sky directly onto the top of my head while I am riding my bike to or from work then I will start wearing a helmet."
That argument is about to be settled once and for all today.
|It's not like the neighbors could think any more ridiculous things of me than they do already anyway.|