Rules For Life - A Completely Stolen Idea

Happy Friday Blogstalkers!

First I want to let you know that next week on this here blog is going to be like, EPIC so be sure to check back.  Also OJ will be here next weekend so that bodes well for the week after that.

Today though I am completely stealing The Bloggess' Rules For Life idea.  Forgive me.  Imitation is the highest form of flattery right? (Except when one of your best friends wears the exact same dress as you to the eighth grade dance and you are flat as a board and she has boobs to spare and you feel like she's shouting at you, "What!? I was just showing you how the dress is SUPPOSED to fit.")

Lauren's Rules For Life

Buy tights/nylons one size up from what the package recommends.  You will thank me.

Listen more than you talk.

Carry hairspray, it solves most of life's problems.  Among many other things it: removes ink stains and can be used as a substitute for pepper spray. (Do not use it to remove ink stains from all over your mouth after a pen explodes in your mouth.)

Say you're sorry.  Mean it.

If you must cut your own bangs, make sure you've not had any drinks beforehand.

Even if you don't think you need to pee, never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Just dance.

If you somehow humiliate yourself by running into a wall or accidentally slapping yourself in the face or literally slipping on a banana peel that someone has discarded in the middle of a crosswalk while you are on a second date just go with it.  Bow, curtsy, say "Ta Da!" and throw your arms up in the air, whatever.  It's much less embarrassing than crying or pretending it didn't happen.  You can cry about the banana peel thing whilst praying to the gods to please stop making your resemble nothing more than  a comic strip later when you are alone.

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice. (This is from my dad.)

If you are new to working out with weights, read all of the instructions for all weight machines at the gym before using them for the first time.  Do not just assume you know what you are doing.  If you do not read the instructions and just dive right in you are not allowed to be upset when someone comes over and corrects you.  Also, never tell a trainer that is correcting you, "Oh I know, I use this machine differently than most people, to really target my heptoid muscles."  Trainers know all the muscles and they will call you on that shit.

Don't lick knives.  Even if they are covered in peanut butter.

If you learn how to ride a bike once, then you always know how to ride a bike.  The same can not be said about rollerskating.

This is a pretty standard one but, if someone is nice to you but mean to the waiter then they are not a nice person.

There are a lot of things to be said about an immaculately clean house.  One of those things is, A lot of time is wasted keeping your house immaculately clean.  I'm learning that clean enough is OK.

It's ok to take the cliche literally and totally judge an actual book by its cover.

I can almost guarantee you the words "throbbing" and "mewling" are used repeatedly in this book. (From HERE)
If at first you don't succeed, try try TRY again.  I find the fourth time is the charm for me usually.  I am very forth-right.

Learn to cook/bake one thing expertly.  Then you and everyone you know can call it your "Famous whatever".  Like...Lauren's Famous Chicken Salad or Vanessa's Famous Bruschetta.  (Before the chicken salad there was actually a delightful pork tenderloin dish.  But then there was a misunderstanding with my sister being all "Lauren and her FAMOUS LOIN are here!" during a family party.)

And lastly, don't ever be afraid to be exactly who you are.  This is dumb and cliche but I was scared to just be me for a very long time.  I'm so much happier now.  And slightly chubbier.  But hey, me likes cheese.

What would you add?  If anyone wants to tackle this idea (originally The Bloggess' idea) on their own blog, let me know and I'd be more than happy to link up to your post!

LINK UP LISTS
Milo Baines
Everyone On This Bus Is Drunk
Stories About My Underpants

Have a great weekend!



54 comments:

  1. Me likes the cheese too. And I want to read that book so I can count the numerous instances of throbbing and mewling. Girl has to have a hobby. And you made me snort coffee out my nose AGAIN. Learn from your mistakes, Mitzi, learn from them!

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    1. Glad you liked it! (I really should add Learn From Your Mistakes to my list too.)

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  2. Consume less, create more. True for food and also media/culture.

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    1. Oh! I'm doing that! Sort of. I have a roof vegetable garden and I grow all of our own herbs and tomatoes. I do watch a lot of tv though...

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  3. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you wouldn't have known that throbbing and mewling were in the book unless you have read a few romances. Not judging, I've read more than a few, but more because they always have happy endings (however, I do avoid ones with covers that have Fabio, that's just a good rule to live by). There's nothing sadder in my life right now that a book without a happy ending... or where people die. I feel sad enough, I don't need a book making me sadder. Right now I am re-reading Ender's Game though because I'm SO EXCITED for the movie. (which will probably suck, I admit, but still EXCITED!!)

    Hmmm, a rule to live by: Always exhausted your options, even when it's exhausting to exhaust them and you have to inhale lots of exhaust. Ok, that last part is just because I wanted to use exhaust more. It's probably too early to be drunk right? So I can't use that excuse.

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    1. True story I have never read a romance novel. I have however read Clan of the Cave Bear which might as well be a romance novel. My mom recommended it to me when I was in sixth grade then she read it again after me and was like, Ummm, let's hold off on the sequels for a bit. The word 'mewling' was so overused in that book. Also who names their children Jondalar and Thonolan?

      Actually I'm adding that to my list: Never name your children Jondalar and Thonolan.

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    2. What??! Romances are good for my anxiety disorder, because if I read a book with too much going on I freak out. (I know, I have problems, but they are mostly under control.) I also avoid books written in first person because I have an overly active imagination.

      Although writing books would be a good way to 'use' names you know you could never name your children. Jondalar and Thonolan are terrible, but one of my favorite books does have a character names Elisandra and I've always liked that.

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    3. Honestly I am a prude with a capital P. A Prude, if you will. So romances make me squirmy and not in a good way. The only way I got through 50 Shades of Grey was by having OJ read me the sex scenes aloud at a pool in Texas and use stupid voices. It was pretty deserted so it was ok.

      Elisandra is MUCH better than Jondalar and Thonolan. Sort of reminds of me Game of Thrones because the Red Priestess in that book is named Melisandre.

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    4. Huh, well not all have sex scenes, and sometimes I just skip over them anyway too. I just read like 3 Carla Kelly books and there's no scenes in there. But in another rule: everybody should read whatever makes them happy!

      I didn't notice that!! Maybe because I read Game of Thrones after Summers at Castle Auburn, but Summers was definitly published after Game (or Clash, where Melisandra first shows up). Wait, so as a Prude - are you able to watch the TV Show Game of Thrones? Or do you hold up your hand to block the screen like I do during Theon's torture scenes?

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    5. There are pretty much scenes in almost every non-comedy show or movie that requires me to hide my head behind a pillow and plug my ears and shout Is It Over Yet. Even though I can never hear the answer because my ears are plugged.

      Theon's scenes are up there with the worst. I'm fine with nudity but like GRAPHIC stuff makes me giggly and nervous.

      And I did not know that about romance novels. I seriously thought they all had sex scenes. Huh. Learn something every day.

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  4. Where ever you go ...there you are.

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    1. I believe I have a meditation book that is titled exactly that.

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  5. I like your last one. I would have added that one, but you already have it on there.

    So, besides "be yourself," my rule for life is "Eat more popcorn, and you don't have to share it if you don't want to."

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  6. Yeah. He's naked. And tan all over like he's always naked or lying on a beach. No farmer's tan. And she's dressed old school like- who in that time farms naked? Or ranches or whatever. Just wondering.

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    1. True story - I am terrified of male strippers because one time my cousin told me that they all tan (obviously naked) but the inside of their ummm...behinds obviously does not get tan so they have a bit of a white stripe there. She calls it "Strippers Tan".

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  7. okay, i thought i was the only one that always bought tights/nylons/hoses a size bigger! I laughed so loud at "Lauren and her famous loins," my sister must think i'm crazy, but then again, she knows i tend to laugh at myself all the time.

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    1. Laugh at yourself should be a rule for sure.

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  8. Nice to see the one about the waiter/waitress! My dad always told me never to go on a second date with a boy who wasn't nice to the server and frankly, I found it to be a very wise guideline. Words to live by, there. Not that 'there' is a word to live by all by itself, unless you're like "THERE!HA!" because that's living with passion, which everyone should do.

    Dang it, there I go again, and I told myself I wasn't going to go there this time. F*in 'there'. Ridiculousness!

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    1. Haha! Whoomp there it is.

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  9. Alanna S5/10/2013

    I just had cheese for lunch. Yes, a chunk of cheese.

    It was delightful.

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  10. This is awesome. The picture from this post made me laugh so hard I almost started crying... I also agree with Hmmmm Who does farm naked? It seems impractical and also highly dangerous what with all the sharp farming implements...

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    1. And I can't imagine tractors are a very smooth ride. Too many things bouncing around.

      I was going to do some sort of double entendre here with "sowing his seeds" but then it got raunchy and I was like ENOUGH Lauren.

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    2. Also, grass is very itchy, and the grass in that picture is right about crotch level... walking through it must be irritating...

      Also I totally want hear the double entendre... Because my mind is just going all kinds of places with that one...

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    3. Oh haha I never really got all the way there on the seeds thing. I was just thinking something like: John always farmed naked- the better to sow his seeds.

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    4. John is just plain weird. He also must have many fields to tend.

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  11. Be the person your dog thinks you are. And, if your dog doesn't like someone, you shouldn't either......

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    1. I shall totally agree with this in regard to one of my dogs. The other one doesn't like anyone except for me. Sometimes I think she wants her and me to run away to the woods and be hermits together.

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  12. That is great advice to live by! I actually didn't know about hairspray being a good replacement for Pepperspray. It helped remove some ink-stains from my hands a few weeks ago, though; life-saver right there.

    Great post, as always!

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    1. Hairspray is insanely awesome. If you spray it on a cloth it will get lint or pet hair or whatever off of any fabric. If you tighten your kitchen knobs and then spray hairspray on the screws they will never get loose again. If you spray the underneath petals and leaves of your flowers they will bloom longer. It also totally replaces Goo Gone as a product. I love me some hairspray.

      One thing I do not use it for: My hair.

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    2. Wow, you learn something new every day! I am definitely going to copy that information down somewhere I'll be able to find it again!

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    3. If you rub a slice of raw potato on the ink mark on clothing, it will come right out. A little trick I wish I had known about 25 years ago. My Mother finally got around to telling me last year.

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  13. Oh, right!

    One of my rules to live by: Don't be afraid to make other people's lives more interesting. (As long as it's not unkind, and is in good taste, of course. ;) )

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    1. And yes totally agree.

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  14. Don't spend so much time trying to capture the moment, that you forget to live in the moment. Photographs and video are wonderful things - but so are memories. Sometimes we need to put down the technology and just - live!

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    1. Yes! I love this one. I have so much more fun sometimes when I just put the camera down and enjoy the party or whatever.

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  15. Jessie S.5/10/2013

    "First I want to let you know that next week on this here blog is going to be like, EPIC so be sure to check back"

    Please tell me that this means the blog will not be called "Filing Jointly WITH Dependents" .....


    I totally wanted to copy and paste The Bloggess' life rules to my Facebook the other day, but I wasnt sure of the legalities. True stuff :)

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    1. Jessie S.5/10/2013

      Gahh! That should read :Please tell me that this means the blog will NOW be called "Filing Jointly WITH Dependents" .....

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    2. Would definitely be amazing!

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    3. Haha. Jessie I figured that's what you meant!

      And yes that would be epic. I can't wait until I get to announce something like that!

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  16. Clean enough is okay! Love it!

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    1. I made up that rule after I spent an entire day scrubbing all the baseboards in my house. And you couldn't even tell much of a difference.

      It's one of my favorites.

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  17. Never pass up an opportunity to cuddle a purring cat. Growling ones fine. Hissing, tail raising, bristling ones, pass. Definitely pass.

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  18. Am I the only one who regularly licks peanut butter knives?

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    1. peanut butter knives, cheese knives, knives that have cut into anything that is delicious really...

      I lick them all.

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  19. I find I'm much better at cutting my bangs when I've been drinking or at least I *think I'm better. Hmmmm now that I think about it, I don't think Ive ever cut my bangs sober so I can't compare. I want to add too that you are never too old for tickle fights. My husband disagrees with this a.d doesn't find sneak tickle attacks "fun" but I think that's because he never wins.

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  20. This is awesome. Love it all.

    And where the hell are his pants???

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  21. Lauren, this list is fantastic. I am DEFINITELY going to steal your stolen idea. Because The Bloggess would totally want it that way.

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  22. I read the first dozen pages of your blog over the last several days (kinda busy with four kids). Finally resorted to reading in the middle of the night, but then kept waking people up rolling off the bed while laughing hysterically. The Hubs finally called me on it, and I had to admit.. you are my secret adult "Junie B. Jones". None of my kids like these books, but I still carry around "Junie B. Jones has a Peep in her Pocket" when I can even vaguely get away with it. So having said all that, I really love your blog.

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  23. Great advice...especially the hairspray one It really does get ink out and it's kind of fun to use it. I'd be lying if I said there weren't times I deliberately marked on something just to use hairspray to get it out.

    I seriously need a hobby. :-)

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  24. *Shameless plug in an effort to get more readers* I wrote one...sort of...

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  25. This list had me giggling a lot. And the tights one may be sheer genius! I had no idea! But as for the ice and the bare butt one... what???

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    1. Oh yeah that's not real advice, just something stupid my dad used to say when we were kids. It's just ridiculous. Please don't do that in fact.

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