One Fish Two Fish We Granted Ryan's Wish

Hello Blogstalkers!

Since Ryan has been an absolute prince lately what with the knocking me up and all, I've been racking my brain trying to think of something special I could do for him.  But could not come up with anything that seemed just right.  Until we were flipping through the channels one Saturday trying to find a random movie to watch before going to bed and he stopped it on a shot of a group of men in a restaurant eating sushi off the body of a not-very-clad woman.  And he laughingly said something annoying about that being on his bucket list, just to bother me.  I was about to dismiss the entire episode but then I remembered that he'd said basically the same thing when I had forced him to watch the Sex And The City movie years ago and how I had been severely affronted and huffy.

And so a plan was hatched.  If he wanted to eat sushi off a semi-nude body so badly (gross gross gross) then I could give him that.  And then he could cross it off his nonexistent bucket list that he only brings up when he knows it will drive me mad and we would never have to talk about the sushi thing ever ever again.

And everyone would be happy.

So I googled pictures for inspiration.  And made notes.

More leaves than this for sure.


SO many more leaves than this.  Also Samantha you are in front of a window you silly whore. 


And then I enlisted a partner in crime because this was obviously not a one person job.


And so OJ (my husband's very best friend with whom he has a terrifyingly intense bromance) flew in from Dallas just for this.  Ok not really.  He was flying in the next day for a bachelor party anyway but he flew in a day early just for this.

We started with an arts and crafts hour in which we made not-at-all-scanty leaves and lifelike flowers for decoration.


This was the planned ensemble: (Which would be worn OVER UNDERWEAR, let's make that clear right now.)


I still was not sure it was enough leaves.

We bought cheap sushi from Jewel because we were unsure if Ryan would actually eat any of the sushi off of a person (because seriously who does that?) even if it happened to be the person he loves best in the world and then we waited until about fifteen minutes before he was due home from work and started work ourselves.

There were lots of "Ahhh OJ NO!"s and "Don't look yet!"s and "My leaves are slipping! Don't you dare try to fix them just hand me some tape and turn around!"s but eventually we got the job done.

And that is the story of how when Ryan got home and climbed the stairs he was met with this sight:

I should be a paparazzo because I am obviously excellent at getting "up the skirt" shots.
What? You didn't think it was going to be me on the table did you?

Then Ryan was all, "What the hell!?" and OJ was all "I've made you dinner darling!" and Ryan was all "Why is this happening! I don't want this." and I was all "It was on your bucket list RYAN, I was just trying to do something lovely for you."

I swear he is wearing boxers under the leaves.


Eventually Ryan came around.  I am SUCH a good wife.




UPDATE: Holly who is awesome sent me the most magnificent artwork that has now been made into a t-shirt on Zazzle.  Thank you Holly! (I'll post the actual Zazzle link as soon as it pops up in their system)




104 comments:

  1. Perfect! Be careful what you wish for, Ryan!

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    1. It was like dinner and a lesson all in one.

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  2. This is the best!!!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! We had fun doing it!

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  3. As soon as you mentioned OJ I knew it would be him on the table. LOL!

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    Replies
    1. Ha! The best part is that weeks ago I texted OJ "I need your help for something ridiculous," and he was all "I'm in, you don't even have to tell me what it is." He's the best at shenanigans.

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  4. Just...awesome. There are no other words

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  5. GIRL. OMG. I am at work and was on the phone with a customer and nearly died of laughter. My customer was all "WTF is going on, Vicki? Are you having a coughing attack??" Why yes, yes I was. They were promptly placed on hold.

    You and OJ just made my day. For sure.

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    Replies
    1. Making people laugh at work is my favorite!

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  6. Best thing ever, RYAN!

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  7. Best.Post.EVER.
    I'm in tears I'm laughing so hard!
    All my favorite things. OJ, sushi, and laughing!!

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    Replies
    1. I was in tears yesterday. It was honestly one of the best things I have ever been a part of.

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  8. You are seriously the best wife ever. I love it!!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Tell it to Ryan Katie, tell it to Ryan.

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  9. Truly awesome. Great team work, Lauren and OJ!

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    Replies
    1. Why thank you (Lauren curtseys, OJ takes bow.)

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  10. OH MY GOSH. Enjoy your dinner, RYAN!
    Y'all are straight ridiculous.

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    Replies
    1. I shall take that as a compliment!

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  11. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

    My office-mates are now staring at me laughing maniacally.

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  12. I LOVE it!! I can just see Ryan's face. :D

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    1. Oh his face was the best! I tried so hard to video his response but I was laughing too hard and also I don't know how to use our video camera.

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  13. Oh my GOSH! so hilarious! I love how willing OJ is to go along with your shenanigans!

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    1. I know! He's the best.

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  14. Bet RYAN no longer has a bucket list - real OR imaginary after that surprise. I can think of a lot of your readers who would love to find a sushi covered OJ on their dining room table when they got home however.

    And I realized another great thing about you being pregnant (besides the baby and all that love and stuff), you can go to Disney World again, since RYAN said you couldn't go back until you had a kid to bring with you. Foiled again, RYAN, foiled again.

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    1. Seriously, I showed the fake-bucket-list-having fool!

      And I KNOW about Disney, I've already brought it up.

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    2. If he brings up the alleged bucket list again, you should have a list of appropriate "push" presents that you want to receive after the baby is born. I have heard that is TOTALLY a thing that is done. Make sure they involve things like "have Justin Timberlake be the baby's godfather".

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    3. What a fabulous idea!

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    4. Don't forget to add RUBIES to the push present list!!

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  15. Did he eat the sushi?????

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    1. In full disclosure yes he did eat ONE piece of sushi actually off of the construction paper that was covering his best friend. The rest went back into the containers and into the fridge. He may or may not eat it later. I'm just glad I can't.

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  16. So funny I am in tears! I thought OJ as "Gingy" at Christmastime was the best, but I think this may top that. You guys are going to be really fun parents.

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    1. We're certainly going to try! It helps that we have (in our severely biased opinions) some of the best friends ever. They are up for anything.

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  17. I seriously love all 3 of you so much for the joy you bring to the world. I needed that laugh today.

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    Replies
    1. So happy to have provided the laugh!

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  18. i literally cannot even handle the hilarity of all of this. BRAVO.

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    1. Why thank you, thank you very much.

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  19. Hahaha! This had me belly laughing and my daughter asked me "mama what's so very funny? Mama breathe, breathe Mama! Now tell me the funny!"

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    1. You should have seen me yesterday, I was doing the exact same thing!

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  20. That is, hands down, the funniest thing I have ever seen. I WISH that was on my husband's bucket list so I could pull that on him.

    Oh my goodness. Seriously hysterical.

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    1. We sure taught Ryan a lesson about bucket lists and how they should only be used for good and not to annoy other people!

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  21. Lauren, this has to be the funniest thing I will read today. I'd commend OJ for being such a good sport, but something tells me he would have ended up in this situation eventually anyway.

    also you should have a shirt in your shop with cartoon leaves and sushi on it. and it should say "I've made you dinner darling!" on the back...I will do the design if you want. :)

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    1. That shirt so needs to happen....

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    2. I would LOVE that. I would totally have to buy one for me one for OJ and one for Ryan, though he'd probably not wear it.

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    3. dont know if these links will work. But either way, I'm emailing you the art file so you can add it to your store if you want.
      http://www.zazzle.com/rlv/svc/view?rlvnet=1&realview=113713316972517470&design=03c22c48-c8fc-4bfe-8813-2556203006aa&style=value_tshirt&size=a_l&color=white&pending=true&pdt=zazzle_shirt&hide=bleed%2Csafe%2CvisibleMask&r=1368734910388&bg=0xdddddd&max_dim=1024

      http://www.zazzle.com/rlv/svc/view?rlvnet=1&realview=113645007328454862&design=03c22c48-c8fc-4bfe-8813-2556203006aa&style=value_tshirt&size=a_l&color=white&pending=true&pdt=zazzle_shirt&hide=bleed%2Csafe%2CvisibleMask&r=1368734910389&bg=0xdddddd&max_dim=1024

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    4. Holly! That is one of the best things I have ever seen! I'm using all of my Zazzle credit immediately! You are amazing and wonderful and all the words that are synonyms of those two words.

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    5. Haha. Glad you like it. If you ever need any other silly artwork let me know. :p Its a nice break from all the corporate art I do all day. and now you have my email address..mwahahah-ahem

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  22. Oh my god I just snorted dr. Pepper out of my nose and now I'm crying. So freaking funny. . .

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    1. Ahhh! That sounds painful! I snorted a chocolate chip out my nose once, true story.

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    2. Orange juice out the nose is painful too.

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    3. I snorted too...thankfully no liquid was involved. Thank you for this post....I needed a good laugh. BTW....my husband once laughed so hard a pinto bean came out of his nose....very gross!

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  23. This caused severe unladylike guffawing. MADE MY MORNING. Also, you are turning OJ into an internet celebrity.

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    1. So happy to have made your morning! And I think he's ok with that...he just eats it up.

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  24. hahahahahahahahaha! I'm laughing at work like a lunatic.

    This just made my terrible, awful, no good, very bad day MUCH better.

    Also, Jewel has sushi? They were giving out samples of sushi at the Dominick's in our 'hood and I was skeptical of grocery store sushi...

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    1. So happy to have brightened your day!

      And yeah our Jewel sells sushi in the deli department. We never buy it from there because we have a sushi place nearby that delivers that we are obsessed with but Jewel was the cheapest route this time around. I'm not sure if it's any good or not. I'll have to ask Ryan, he did actually eat one piece off of OJ.

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    2. Well if he's a little sick later you might know why ;)

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  25. Absolutely hilarious! Thank you for bringing smiles and laughter to my day!

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  26. This is so funny, loved the idea... now I want to steal it, I guess I will have to ask around and see if anybody I know has this in their "bucket lists".

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  27. Kudos to OJ for being so awesome, and for you being the best wife ever!

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  28. hahaha, this is great. When I saw the first picture for a minute I was thinking something very different... this is much funnier.

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  29. OMG, hilarious. You are the BEST wife ever.

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  30. you win! now i feel like i have to come up with something to torture my boyfriend and make his dreams come true at the same time.

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  31. Mary M5/16/2013

    this is wonderful!

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  32. You three are amazing. I guessed it would be OJ, but that didn't make it any less delightful!

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  33. OMG....you are brilliant!! And OJ is such a good friend!

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  34. So everyone I work with thinks I'm crazy because I just totally burst out in the loudest laugh! This is hilarious!!!

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  35. Anonymous5/16/2013

    This is the best thing ever. So happy I wasn't drinking a beverage when the pic of OJ appeared with the sushi. I would've lost another keyboard.

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  36. Not at all what I expected ... but I needed that smile. hahahahahah

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  37. That makes me laugh so much! I love it

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  38. Completely hilarious!!!! I had to read it twice for the funnies and then once again just to gawk at OJ.

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  39. Found you through a Twitter post and you lady are now officially on my must read list. That was hysterically awesome!

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  40. PERFECT!!! Loveit! He has to cross it off his bucket list now and never speak of it again.
    I like how you say Ryan knocked you up. I also refer to being impregnated the same way. And also, on Mother's day I thanked him for "putting babies in me." He almost choked on the eggs he was eating and giggled about it whenever he thought of it for the rest of the day. :)

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  41. I LoveYou, Lauren!!!!

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  42. Too, too funny. Be careful what you wish for!

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  43. THAT. IS. AWESOME. I cannot even begin to tell you how awesome that is!

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  44. This is hilarious and awesome and I might do this for my husband. Love this and love all the photos!

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  45. OMG...you should have your own tv show!

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  46. Renee D.5/16/2013

    That is awesome!

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  47. This is hilarious. And thank you OJ for being such a willing conspirator with Lauren. Without you this wouldn't be nearly as awkward and silly.

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  48. Anonymous5/16/2013

    I love OJ. I so wish I weren't married and a bit younger and living in TX and WAHT EVA because he is so/ fippin/ cool/ How is this guy still single?!?

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  49. Loving it! This made me laugh out loud. Ryan's days are most certainly never boring with you. x

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  50. After a really crappy week, thanks for making me laugh cry and not sad cry. You guys are the best.

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  51. You are HILARIOUS! And please send OJ to my house -- I'm hungry!

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  52. You really are the best wife ever!

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  53. I love this so incredibly much. And the shirt! It's like everything I've ever wanted but never would have asked for. Thanks for making my day!

    (and congratulations! I can't believe I missed that post!)

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  54. This is undeniably brilliant. And now I want sushi.

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  55. That is unbelievably awesome!!!

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  56. Anonymous5/18/2013

    You are the funniest person in the world. No, the universe.

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  57. SharonLynnM5/18/2013

    OMG. OJ is cute and all... but I think I saw more of him than intended!!

    And CONGRATULATIONS!!

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  58. Maybe Ryan should be more specific in the future...

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  59. Despite the fact thY I KNEW it was going to be O.J. wearing the sushi the pictures cracked me up! I'm crying from laughing!
    I also think I accidentally feel in love with O.J. Oops.

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  60. Haha! Awesome idea! Turned out great!

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  61. Supremley awesome...good job Mrs!!!!

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  62. EvylFashionista5/22/2013

    That is delightfully wrong and awesome all at the same time.

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  63. I have been away from the internet for the past two weeks. I told myself that vacations are better than internet access, but after reading this post I think I've changed my mind. You are absolutely hilarious.

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  64. ok.. it's nearly 2am and the family is asleep and how they slept through my laughing out loud - really loud - I'll never know. This was hands down the funniest thing I've seen in .. well. a really long time. God I wish I was funny enough to think of something like that. You rock!

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  65. I don't even know you, and I want to kiss you on the mouth for doing this. Right. On. The. Mouth.

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