Mars Ain't The Kind Of Place To Raise Your Kids.

Good Afternoon Blogstalkers.

Today began like most days.  I woke up, showered and then practiced my high kicks for when there is a giant blizzard in Chicago and half of The Rockettes are stranded due to snow and the other half are injured due to trying to hurry to the theater in the snow and slipping on the ice and the producers inevitably call me to come to the rescue with a splendid one woman high kicking show.  And so I throw on my glitter leotard and carefully make my way to the theater, shaking off the grasping hands of all the fallen dancers dotting the icy path. "Get your cold ass hands off of me Tammy Lynn, this is MY day," I shout to a particularly persistent hanger on.  Finally I safely reach my destination and strangely enough the blizzard has not prevented the theater from being completely packed.  And Ryan begs me to get him a last minute ticket or let him watch from back stage and I am like, "No".

I take the stage and cue up the orchestra.  The opening bars of Elton John's "Rocket Man" fill the theater.

I'm a Rockette anndddd I'm living out my dreams up here alone!

The audience is enthralled and sits with mouths gaping and eyes misting.  Except for one rude patron who is all, "This is gonna take a long long time."  And I am like "Alright, who the fuck let Ryan in?"

And then that is the end of that fantasy because Ryan has ruined it, just like he ruins all of my fantasies.

So to punish him I begin to google picture of babies so I can send him his weekly Don't You Want A Baby? email.

But then I have a brilliant idea.  Instead of sending him pictures of random babies, which is clearly not working, I decide to send him a picture of what OUR baby would look like.  It will obviously be so cute that he will not be able to resist, I tell myself.

So I upload both of our pictures and then morph them together.  I wait with bated breath eager to see the angel babies that have sprung from my internet loins.
















I can tell they are my babies because of the large foreheads (to make room for the large brains) and the fact that one of them is wearing a costume.  Then I figured that if Ryan's and my children are pretty adorable then Justin Timberlake's and my babies would be like blindingly gorgeous.  I decide to test out this theory.



What the hell.

I suppose I shall just stay married to Ryan.



26 comments:

  1. Anonymous5/08/2013

    Your baby with JT has a Kid-N-Play flat top going on. Is that genetic? Like would it be birthed with that magnificent hair cut?! (PS- this is Katie from Words for Worms, but your commenting fuction HATES me for making fun of your babies.)

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    1. Good question. Also, is that a boy or a girl? Because I'm not sure. I'm just pissed the he/she has stolen one of the earrings from my wedding and is wearing it ironically.

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  2. I like your cute little baby side braid - she's got it goin' on. Does your baby with JT need a shave?

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    1. It seems that way. I'm more than a little upset about this. Also the ears.

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    2. Oh. I didn't noticed the ears. Oddly, they look like they might be jointed. Umm, now I want jointed ears that I can move around like I'm trying to pick up a satellite signal or a conversation on the other side of the room without even moving my head. That would be awesome. The baby morph with JT wasn't for nothing. Maybe now someone will invent adjustable spy ears.

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    3. That's actually sort of what my ears look like in real life. I can wiggle them.

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    4. Cool! My ears don't do anything special. wah wah

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  3. I like Bunny baby! The child with the dark hair reminds me of Renesme. Also, forgive me if I spelled that wrong it's been about five years since I read the books.

    And next time Ryan is about to ruin your dreams make sure to bring in a dream catcher...which is supposed to bring you GOOD dreams so this way it acts as a net to take him away! See??? You are correcting his behavior AND enjoying your fantasy. Win-Win.

    Lastly, I think it's cool that you two exchange emails throughout the day. Even if it's you sending him baby pictures and Ryan sending you houses. MAYBE entice him with one of his favorite houses with the photoshop baby inside?

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    1. Yeah I sort of want to eat the Bunny baby. He's so chubby. And I see the Twilight vampire daughter thing.

      And I wish that was an actual dream. It is just something that gets me through kickboxing haha. If count standing in my bedroom and kicking/punching the air randomly kickboxing.

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    2. Change approved! I second the kickboxing...you could start your own class via Skype and make us all call you Sensi Sensational.

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  4. The first two pictures are adorable. The third one is just freaking scary. No babies with that one if that is what will happen.

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    1. I know! It's so upsetting.

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  5. Well, that's nicer than what my husband is doing to me. He's all, "Hey, look at this adorable puppy," and then I'm like, "Oooh, I want it!" And then he's all, "It's not for sale, and we can't get one anyway."

    Mean.

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    1. Oh that's the worst! I only was allowed to get one puppy and then another one a year later so I would have something to take care of and forget about the baby thing for a bit. But three puppies is a bit too much so Ryan has reached the end of his puppy rope.

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  6. My dream was to be a Rockette! In my fantasy world i would be the best Rocketter ever.

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  7. You should send Ryan the picture of the baby you'd have with JT with the caption "IF YOU DON'T HAVE A BABY WITH ME, THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN. SAVE THE WORLD, RYAN. BE THE HERO."

    It would convince me. Just saying.

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    1. I think it might convince just about anyone. Ugh.

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  8. Is it just me or does the JT baby look a little like a creepy Orlando Bloom?

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    1. Oh! Yeah I totally see that.

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  9. Do you really dream about the Rockettes? My grandmother always told me I should be a Rockette (love is blind - I'm very tall (over six feet) and have long legs, but I am not, have never been, and never will be, coordinated. Or flexible). Now when my trainer makes me do certain exercises at the gym (I'm only allowed at the gym with constant, personal supervision and I still hurt myself), I ask him if we're having Rockette practice and it makes me all toasty thinking of how my grandmother loved me so much that she thought I should be a Rockette. Isn't that lovely? Your post make me think of her, too.

    PS - I know my parantheticals might be difficult to read, but I think they contain important information.

    PPS - I really love your blog and hope that you're feeling better.

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  10. Well, you could have cute babies with Ryan and then just keep JT on the side.. Just sayin'

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  11. I would love you to do a once weekly "Ryan Replies to my Awesome E-mails" post, because I always feel left hanging when I don't know what his reaction to these photos would be.

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  12. The baby with JT is very scary, just be glad you are with Ryan instead...

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  13. well, at least you made a good choice going for Ryan, if only cause of the babies.

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