Today began like most days. I woke up, showered and then practiced my high kicks for when there is a giant blizzard in Chicago and half of The Rockettes are stranded due to snow and the other half are injured due to trying to hurry to the theater in the snow and slipping on the ice and the producers inevitably call me to come to the rescue with a splendid one woman high kicking show. And so I throw on my glitter leotard and carefully make my way to the theater, shaking off the grasping hands of all the fallen dancers dotting the icy path. "Get your cold ass hands off of me Tammy Lynn, this is MY day," I shout to a particularly persistent hanger on. Finally I safely reach my destination and strangely enough the blizzard has not prevented the theater from being completely packed. And Ryan begs me to get him a last minute ticket or let him watch from back stage and I am like, "No".
I take the stage and cue up the orchestra. The opening bars of Elton John's "Rocket Man" fill the theater.
I'm a Rockette anndddd I'm living out my dreams up here alone!
The audience is enthralled and sits with mouths gaping and eyes misting. Except for one rude patron who is all, "This is gonna take a long long time." And I am like "Alright, who the fuck let Ryan in?"
And then that is the end of that fantasy because Ryan has ruined it, just like he ruins all of my fantasies.
So to punish him I begin to google picture of babies so I can send him his weekly Don't You Want A Baby? email.
But then I have a brilliant idea. Instead of sending him pictures of random babies, which is clearly not working, I decide to send him a picture of what OUR baby would look like. It will obviously be so cute that he will not be able to resist, I tell myself.
So I upload both of our pictures and then morph them together. I wait with bated breath eager to see the angel babies that have sprung from my internet loins.
I can tell they are my babies because of the large foreheads (to make room for the large brains) and the fact that one of them is wearing a costume. Then I figured that if Ryan's and my children are pretty adorable then Justin Timberlake's and my babies would be like blindingly gorgeous. I decide to test out this theory.
What the hell.
I suppose I shall just stay married to Ryan.