Semi-Conscious Lauren, That Bitch Be Crazy

Hey Blogstalkers! I've got to dash back to the grocery store in a moment because Ryan just texted to let me know that he wanted "something with pork and noodles in it" for dinner and that was not in my original menu plans but first I present to you, a series of conversations about stabbing and blood and near-death.

Lauren: (upon getting off phone) Ugh I have to go back in to the lab for more blood work tomorrow.

Ryan: So? It's not the worst thing in the world.

Lauren: I swear I walk into that place and they all look at me like I'm some sort of balloon.

Ryan: Yeah you're going to have to explain that a little bit better.

Lauren: I can tell by their eyes.  Their eyes just shout "Ooooh something new to pop with our stabby needles."  And then they strap me into their chair.  Probably to keep their new shiny balloon from floating away.

Ryan: I really don't think they strap you in...

Lauren: There's definitely some sort of strap.  And then they're all "Make a fist," and I am like "OH Believe Me I was doing that already."

Ryan: This strap you're talking about, could that be the tourniquet?

Lauren:  And then they make some sort of remark about my tiny baby veins and commence with the repeat stabbing.  And then I am on the brink of death, because who could survive three stab wounds directly to a vein, and then I pass out.

Ryan: You faint because you psyche yourself out and tell yourself you're going to faint.

Lauren: Pffft if I had that much control over my body I would instruct my thighs to stop touching.

Ryan: I know that you often have to be stuck more than once while they try to find a vein and I'm sure that sucks but aren't they all very nice to you once you've been revived from passing out?

Lauren: They give me cookies and call me pretty which sounds a lot like the witch in Hansel and Gretel to me.

Ryan: Alright well I'm not going to win this conversation.  Walks away.

**The Next Day**

Ryan: Lauren? Why is there a case of Capri Sun in the back of the car?  Is it your turn to bring treats to yoga class?

Lauren: First, HILARIOUS.  And second no that is for the ladies at the lab this afternoon.

Ryan: So you've decided to try to make friends with them?

Lauren: Absolutely not.  I have a strict policy of never being friends with vampires and you know that.  It's a test I've contrived.  If they can not successfully stick the tiny straw into the juice pouch then they do not get to stick a needle into my arm.

Ryan: This is not going to go over well...Pick you up at six still? (He has to pick me up because of the fainting.)

Lauren: Yes please.

**Six PM**

Ryan: How did it go?

Lauren: I only got pricked one time today.  Still passed out which everyone in there thought was just OMG The Funniest Thing Ever!

Ryan: I'm sure that's not true.

Lauren: Then why where they trying to hide their toothy grins when I awoke?

Ryan: That sounds like you hallucinating.

**A Couple Of Days Later**

Lauren: So I found out why all the lab techs were snickering at me.

Ryan: And?

Lauren: According to my doctor it seems I might have muttered "I'm Deflaaaating" a la the "I'm Meeelting" witch in The Wizard of Oz right before I fainted.

Ryan: That seems about right.


53 comments:

  1. But did you make them first stick the Capri Suns? I must know (because it is hilarious and genius.)

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    1. I wish! I totally (sort of on purpose) forgot them in the car when I left. I did drink one of them when Ryan picked me up though. It was delicious.

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  2. I think the capri sun is a very valid test! I'm a bad stick too. One time, I was getting my finger pricked, that's all just pricked, and they were kneading it and I passed out, through a partition and hit my head on the floor. I had to have my roommates come pick me up. The worst part was I was at the gynocologist (for a routine physical) and when the nurse called, she just said I couldn't drive. They thought I'd found out I was pregnant and was too upset to drive home. They were literally on the floor laughing when they found out what had happened.

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    1. Ugh I feel your pain! (though that story did make me giggle) Once in high school I passed out for the first time and they couldn't get ahold of my parents to come get me and I didn't have a boyfriend yet and so like the next door neighbor's best friend came to get me and he was this older guy and I was pretty embarrassed. I just kept saying "Usually I'm quite tough, they took A LOT of blood today though."

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  3. Oh girl, you aren't alone! I've totally done the near-pass-out thing from giving a single vial of blood. I think it's a very good policy not to make friends with Vampires.

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    1. It's one of my better policies that is for sure.

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  4. Have them stick you in your hand vein. Its a little more pinchy, but they usually only have to do mine once, whereas, in the arm, is like a fishing expedition on the moon....

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    1. Yeah they do that sometimes with a butterfly needle if I ask but since I pass out almost every single time I get blood taken and that takes longer to do the draw, sometimes then they have to stop midway through to revive the unconscious girl and then I sometimes have to get stuck again anyway. But I am right there with you on the fishing expedition on the moon thing..(great way to describe it)

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  5. This totally applies to me, since I just did labs on Monday (although, as the years have passed, I have managed to get the fainting under control). The lab guy is always so MEAN! I feel he is trying jab the needle out the back of my arm, and at the Veteran's Clinic, there are no cookies and juice, just a large loss of blood and a pee cup shoved into your hand and a boot out the door so they can usher in the next pincushion.

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    1. Oh Yikes! That sounds much worse than my place! Though I do complain about them the women (I've never seen a man working there) are super nice and it's really not their fault they can't find a vein a lot of them time. And I do get cookies. And they are excellent at coddling me after I faint.

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  6. My wife is also not a fan of the Vampires...I however have no problems with the needles. I have heard many stories of myself as a young lad who was, and I quote, "a very brave boy." when giving blood samples.

    Never got a cookie though...just stupid stickers, which I feel is a right jip!

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    1. Haha! Ryan tells me he too is 'a very brave boy' whilst getting blood taken and thus he has earned the job of leading by example in those situations once we have children.

      Because I don't think me being like "Get away from me you dirty bloodsucker!" is going to help any.

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    2. HAHAHAHA! No way, you should totally do that. Random terror is an important part of childhood.

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  7. As a former pin cushion in my omg you are allergic to chemo days, I can fully feel your pain!! They don't quit until you are 5 pints low...I swear on the artery jabs I got!

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    1. Oh Yikes! That is much worse than my silly little complaints. You are a brave person.

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  8. Oh, how I laughed. Thank you.

    I give platelets every two weeks and get stuck frequently but I have what they refer to as "the most amazing veins ever given to a human to walk this planet" and have never had to receive a second stick.

    I'm going to stop talking now because I feel like I'm bragging about the size of my veins, which is something I can't control in any way.

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    1. Oh it's fine. I often brag about my tiny feet which is something I can't control in any way.

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    2. I have big ol' size 13 feet or, as my parents would say, "million dollar feet." They were referencing the cost of shoes when I was a teen. In our area stores didn't have size 13 shoes and we had to special order them from magazines.

      ...I've had a lot of sugar and am prone to ramble at the moment.

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    3. I am 5'10" and wear size 11 shoes. My dad used to tell me that I would be 6'4" if I didn't "have so much turned under".
      My brother used to just call me Sasquatch. Asshat.

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  9. Always bribe your nurses. When I delivered Emma, I brought the nurses rice Krispy treats and a disclaimer that I would be a pain in the ass. Since I also had packed treats, they didn't care and I got Rock Star treatment.
    I with ya on the fainting but as I have veins that make nurses drool, I cannot relate (my sister is a nurse and I catch her looking lustfully at my veins). However, my back must be difficult to navigate as it took THREE TRIES to get an epidural. True story.

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    1. Ahhhhh the epidural thing freaks me out! Three tries!?

      I'm totally doing the bribe my nurses thing though.

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    2. When Laura was going in to be induced it only took two tries to get the epidural, and that wasn't so bad. The conversation with the anesthesiologist, however, was brutal.

      Anesth: Well, this one didn't go in right and I'm going to have to try again, sorry.
      Laura: Okay, no problem.
      Anesth: Yeah, it seemed to go in right but it didn't feel quite right.
      Laura: Uh-huh. *obviously in pain, trying not to move*
      Anesth: It just didn't /crunch/ right.

      Everyone in the room, including the nurses, flinched.

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  10. Merete4/10/2013

    This is hilarious.
    Monday, I almost sent my bf back to Trader Joe's after his rather failed attempt at buying delicious spinach, kale and greek yogurt dip. Apparently, when I texted him that, he assumed that the dip part was just something that magically appeared in the text and should be ignored. I guess I have to find a dip recipe now that I have spinach, kale, and greek yogurt. In the end, I decided that having him go back would be a little harsh, cause we are 10 hrs away from the nearest Trader Joe's. Maybe next time he goes downstate....

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  11. I gave blood on Monday and after the nurse put the strappy tourniquet thing on, her eyes nearly bulged out of her head when she saw how awesome my vein was. She just kept complementing my vein over and over and telling me all the different ways it was awesome. Sorry your veins are not awesome like mine.

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  12. This makes me very happy that i have large veins that are easy to prick and my skin is apparently 'paper thin/fragile' (which to me doesn't so as awesome because it just gets thinner as you get older and i was told that at 29.) Anyway, no duplicate sticks, and i've only passed out once (ie, the first time).

    However, i do pass out almost every time i am given the dialating eye drops. It's apparently a natural reaction of fear where your body just shuts down the blood to your head if it thinks your eyes are under attack. I blame my eye dr who, when i got the drops for the first time at 15, was describing how they TREAT glacoma with a needle shoved into your eye. I thought he was going to shove a needle into my eye right there and therefore i woke up on the floor. It's always so cold when you wake up from fainting... soooooo cold...

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  13. I've passed out when having blood drawn. tell them you have to lay down for any blood draws. It DOES help.

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    1. She's absolutely right. I draw blood all the time (not for fun or anything; I'm a doctor) and I've had to pick my share of people up off the floor. If you lie flat to start with, it generally makes it not happen. And if it does, well, you're already lying down.

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  14. I just died. OHMYGOD.

    I make them stick me in the hand when I get blood drawn because I have invisible veins on my arm. One time I got this nurse who refused to listen to me after I TOLD HER that my arms refused to give out blood. She then stabbed me repeatedly for about 7 times saying "Oh, this time I'll get it."

    Then she figured out that OH MAYBE THE PATIENT IS RIGHT FOR ONCE.

    GR.

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  15. Oh this is too funny! So sorry about your tiny veins!

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  16. Oh, my wife just LOVES to tell people how I fainted during my marriage blood test, like it had something to do with fear-of-soul-crushing-commitment. I don't even joke about that, HA HA HA, why would I even do that?... HA HA HA, that would be highly inappropriate and just asking for trouble, HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!.......

    so anyway, they couldn't find my vein, they switched arms, switched their little strappy thing, they switched to my hand, I started feeling kind of hot and flushed....then suddenly I was looking up from the floor at shadowy figures above me, the back of my head hurt. BLOWS to pass out. I warn the lab techs now, and they sort of pity me, for you see, I look like an aging retired linebacker.

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  17. how can you be funny even while you're fainting??!? I've only fainted once in my life. I am allergic to sulfa drugs and the way I found out was I broke out in hives and a high fever. I tried walking to the bathroom, got to the bedroom door and the next thing I remember is waking up on the bedroom floor. My cheek was throbbing from where I smacked into the door as I went down. I have absolutely no recollection of going down, nor do I know how long I was out. From there I commando crawled to the bathroom and threw up. this was sometime in 1990ish and I can't even read the word sulfa without freaking out.

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  18. PS: epidurals are no joke. it sucks getting them, but they are so worth it. :)

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  19. I don't think I've ever *actually* passed out when having blood drawn, but I've come close. However, I have difficult veins and do not enjoy the process at all, to put it nicely. I was always too afraid to give blood, but after I received a transfusion in 2009, I decided to Be Brave and give back a year later. It was a dumb idea, as I ended up in urgent care because I was still getting woozy a couple of hours after donating. (I was fine, just caught up in some sort of adrenaline cycle or something.)

    When the donation place called a few weeks later to ask me to give again, I asked to be removed from their call list!

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  20. "Pffft if I had that much control over my body I would instruct my thighs to stop touching." Is possibly the best comeback I've ever witnessed. Bravo. Also, I so wish that were true, because I totally pass out when they have to draw blood too.

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  21. I don't pass out from giving blood. I have, however, passed out at Wal-mart. OMG I am just remembering what a crazy story that was. We had just come home from camping and I ran out to get some food. I was wearing a t-shirt (maybe white? I don't remember) and a sweatshirt. I felt my body get very overheated but I could not take off my sweatshirt because I wasn't wearing a bra. I remember handing the cashier a blank signed check and telling him to fill it out because I didn't feel well and was going to sit down. As I walked away from the register, my vision got smaller and smaller into a pinpoint circle and that, I suppose, is when my face hit the floor. I always wear a bra when I leave the house.

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  22. Wait. Pork & noodles? I thought Ryan was Jewish? Am I getting my bloggers mixed up?

    I'm having major surgery soon, so I've been socking away my own blood at the blood bank, (so they can give it back to me while they are carving me up.) I started thinking about it & decided any old stranger's blood that can get past the screening process, would probably be healthier than my blood! But noooo! I have to make do with my own sickly drugged-up blood!

    Anyway, I haven't fainted. Yet.

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    1. Haha yep, Jewish but not Kosher. His family will avoid pork and leavened carbs and all that during holidays but otherwise it's pretty smorgasbord-y.

      And here's hoping the surgery goes perfectly and wonderfully, as I am sure it will!

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  23. I am a very hard draw but I have learned a few tricks. My appointments are often in the morning and I would go without drinking anything but coffee. Dehydration does not help. Drink a lot. Having them stick me with a butterfly needle also seems to help. Next time you can bring the Capri Suns, have them help open them, and drink them all to make your veins a tiny bit bigger and raise your blood sugar a little.

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  24. Lauren, you are amazing.
    I've been reading your blog for a while now, but after I about died of laughter from your way with words, I decided I needed to tell you how awesome you are.
    Thank you for totally making my evening that much brighter!
    So, my question is, did the doctors pass the "juice test"?

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  25. Doctors are always really nice to you after they make you pass out. When I got my first cortisone shot, I fell over before I even made it to the receptionist's desk and she gave me chocolate and water.

    I see another doctor this Friday and I am not happy about it.

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  26. Anonymous4/11/2013

    I hope they find out what's wrong so you can stop getting poked. I hate to get my blood taken, and everyone loves to take it I swear. I especially hate it when they change the vial and the needle moves around and it hurts:( so I am sorry.

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  27. OMG... you are so funny. Hope that they stop poking you soon!

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  28. The nurses laugh at me because I can tell them how awful my veins are and that they need to use a butterfly... and then I can't watch them stick me. The worst part is that they can only use 1 arm - the other vein has some kind of kink or valve right where they want to stick. Drawing blood isn't too much of an issue, IV's on the other hand.., OMG. With the exception of anesthesiologists, it always always always takes 3 or 4 tried to get one that works. My veins blow, roll away, and after you've hit them a few times they crawl down on top of the bone and you'll never find them again. My rule is that you've got 2 tries to get it right, then you need to get someone with a heck of a lot more experience.

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  29. EmilyM4/11/2013

    hahaha sorry you are in pain but thanks for making me laugh on an icy rainy April day!

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  30. Completely off-topic: Just wanted to say that I think it was incredibly courageous to ask for blog feedback on FB today. Wish I had that kind of guts - as it is, most of my real life peeps don't even know I blog.

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  31. I'm the same way! It's seriously the worst. They'll have blood drives at work and offer free ice cream or pounds of coffee and whatnot to anyone who donates and I can't get the ice cream because I'll probably be sent home and in the car before I even figure out that I didn't get my reward. Not to mention the fact that I would have to be stabbed. Or they'd realize that I was gone for so long that they'd probably make me use my vacation time because it's ridiculous to be gone for hours when giving blood.

    I told my husband that if we ever got to the point where I'd need shots when trying to make babies I would draw the line right there. I couldn't do it.

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  32. I feel your pain! When I was pregnant I looked like chopped liver they stuck me so many times!!! When I was in the hospital they had to draw blood every hour for two days. It was horrible. I had 4 IV's at any given time.

    I recently had to take my son to the hospital for an IV and they put this cool nummy stuff on his arm, he didnt even feel the stick. Maybe they could do that for you? That could totally help if you couldnt feel it at all!!! They make the coolest stuff for kids. Who on earth thinks that adults like to get stuck?? Numb up my arm too!!!!!!!

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  33. Can I just say that you are amazing, and never fail to make me laugh. Keep up the awesome. Also, best thing ever to say while passing out. Hands down.

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  34. I hesitate to suggest this, thereby depriving us all of your hilarious fainting, but have you tried the other arm? Or a spot lower down (side of the wrist, back the hand)? I faint, but only if they take blood from my left arm. My RN aunt thinks I have a nerve close to the vein, and I faint when the needle jostles the nerve. I haven't fainted since I stopped letting people take blood from the crook of my left arm.

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  35. LOL I love this....because I, too, always faint when they take my blood. I now insist on laying down before they take it so I don't faint. It's far less stressful that way. But I love the "I'm deflaaaating...." comment....that's so awesome.

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