Ryan's Budget Is So Boring. The Word "Costumes" Doesn't Appear Even One Time.

Greetings Earthlings Blogstalkers.

Every morning when I wake up the first thing I do, after letting the dogs outside, is check my email.  Over time the number of emails I get has increased because of advertising pitches* and reader emails (which I love!) and the like.  So recently I sat down for about one million hours and wrote a program using Microsoft Outlook that would sort my email for me.

*This week for example I heard from a company that wanted to send me a collection of their "intimacy oils" to use and review.  For money.  They wanted to pay me for sex.  I considered it and then remembered about how I am not a hooker.

Comments into one folder, Facebook things into another, etc.  I named the program "My Secretary".  Ryan got sort of mad about it the other day when he found out that all emails from him go into a RYAN folder.  Except for the ones that mention ski trips he wants us to take (too dangerous) or houses he wants to buy (we HAVE a house)... those get promptly deleted along with any email with the word "budget" in it.

He found about about the program just this week.  He called me from work.

Ryan: Hey did you read the email I sent you about the house in Colorado?

Lauren: Ryan I have told you time and time again to stop calling me at work!

Ryan: Did you or did you not get it?

Lauren: I don't KNOW Ryan, My Secretary handles all of my emails.

Ryan: You don't have a secretary.  It's not in the budget.

Lauren: That is what you think.

After hanging up, to prevent further such conversations I promptly instructed My Secretary to send the following response to all of Ryan's missives on the aforementioned topics.

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for your thoughts on ski trips and budget cuts.  They have been disregarded.

Best Wishes,

Lauren Gallagher (via her secretary)

He was not pleased.

Anyway, all of this just brings me to the email that I received this week, which resulted in an error message and was deemed "unsortable" by my previously never befuddled secretary.



An email with No Sender, No Subject and No Content.  From New Year's Eve 1969.

Obviously future Lauren finally figured out time travel and then tried to come back to now to tell me all about it but overshot herself a bit and is now desperately trying to reach me but as it is 1969 her email capabilities are limited.  It's the only explanation.

Hopefully she'll rectify the situation soon and then I will be able to ask her all of my burning questions about the future.  Like, exercise isn't good for you after all right?  And did anyone figure out how to make cheese with pigs' milk yet?  And how does it taste?  A little bit like bacon and a little bit like cheese right?  I knew it.

Have a great weekend!

Oh and if you have a minute, check out The Fussy Britches blog I recently added to my "Blogs I Love" section!

(This post is sponsored by The Fussy Britches blog.)

34 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh, it's from Doctor Who, he was sent back to 1969 by a creepy angel statue - now it's your job to save the universe. No pressure.

    Yet another talent of yours - mad programming skills. I need an email secretary!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh believe me I do not have mad programming skills. I just wrote a macro that looks for certain word combinations in the body or subject or sender of the email. And it took me forever. I am so out of practice now that I don't have to work with spreadsheets and formulas and all that every day anymore.

      And I totally don't watch Doctor Who, YET. It's on my list I swear!

      Delete
    2. Whatever you just said = mad programming skills in my book!

      Join us Whovians! You'll immediately want a TARDIS (that's his awesome time machine - I'm kind of a dork.)

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    3. Alright fine, am Mad Programmer. It's like Mad Scientist but with less explosions.

      (And I'm kind of a dork too.)

      Delete
    4. I will say this: promise yourself to give Dr. Who a fair chance. Give it at least the first season, not just the first episode. To be honest, the first episode of the new Dr. Who is...weak. I LOVE the show but going back I honestly think it's a horrible introduction for new people.

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  2. or you will be sent back in time and forced to live to death by the weeping angels from Doctor Who (I apologize if you don't watch the show, but THAT is what freaks me out!)

    I love your secretary! She (or he) is clearly very helpful and knowledgable.

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    Replies
    1. so... stay away from stone statues. especially ones with wings.

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    2. You know I was trying to decide just this morning if my secretary is a male or a female. Still undecided. I am leaning towards male and am currently spending my time trying to change the audio greeting when I open Outlook to something like, "What Can I Do For You Today Lauren?'

      And I'll stay far far away from statues I promise. We don't get along much anyway because of how I fell off a horse statue once. It was the horse's fault. I told him to hold still.

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    3. You fell off a horse statue? Was the statue drunk?

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    4. One of us was that is for sure. I was very young and in college and we were on the way back from the bar with a group of people and could not find a cab to save our lives. So I was like "Well I don't know about the rest of you, but I shall just ride this horse home."

      Delete
  3. Congratulations! You beat NASA and all the other science guys on time travel!

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    Replies
    1. Either that or they figured it out and then sent me back in time on NYE as a super secret operative because of my fantastic dance and drinking champagne skills.

      Delete
  4. Jennifer T4/12/2013

    Love that - "my secretary". Every now and again I will hit my husband with "I'm far too busy and far to important to handle your ______. Please just send it to my assistant and I will see what I can do."

    I also refer to my voicemail as my answering service :)

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    Replies
    1. Ok well I am totally stealing the answering service thing. I'm going to rerecord my greeting now.

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  5. Aww, I feel sad because all I have is lousy Gmail. But I'm not sure I need an e-mail sorter because I mostly get junk mail from money loan places, the UK lottery and Living Social. I can't even get people to write me hate mail about how my books make it sound like there is no God because of all the crazy magic in them. Of course, I'd probably cry if I got an e-mail like that. They're not meant to be taken seriously as evidenced by the tag 'fantasy'. Although a random stranger did ask me once if I had a newsletter. So I created one and that person didn't even join my mailing list. There's a very distinct possibly they were actually looking for a porn star with a name similar to mind.

    I wouldn't read e-mails about budget either. Geez, Ryan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gmail is my go-to mail program. It's what's on my phone and my iPad and I use it on my computer a lot too. I just like Outlook for sorting my mail.

      Do you still have your newsletter? I would totally join your mailing list!

      And yeah, I read enough emails about budgets when I was an accountant.

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  6. Thank you for having a blog and continually brightening my days just by being you :)

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    Replies
    1. Hey thank YOU for brightening my days by reading!

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  7. I kind of want to start emailing you things with the word "budget" in them. For example: "We really need to expand the defense budget of the wind-up penguin army. They've turned on the cymbal monkey and are threatening harm if they don't get new bazookas." Would that get filtered? Would it? If so, you will probably be responsible for the wind-up toy apocalypse.

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    Replies
    1. Haha nope. Only emails from Ryan have to undergo the more vigorous "budget" scan. So that email would end up safely in my RESPOND TO THIS IT IS URGENT folder.

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  8. I would suggest that you now figure out what his 'angry' words are and add those to your filter list so that you can avoid a few of those emails.

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    Replies
    1. Good idea. Adding SERIOUSLY LAUREN!? to the list immediately.

      Delete
  9. You never fail to make me smile. "Lauren: Ryan I have told you time and time again to stop calling me at work!" Excited to see what's coming next. Have a great weekend!

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  10. Jennifer T4/12/2013

    Also - be careful - I get the feeling Ryan is pretty witty...he may start disguising his emails with fun subject lines like "Disney Adventures!" or "Look at these cute babies!" just to sneak in the budget and skiing propositions.

    My husband will text me with "Did you see that thing on Pinterest?" and leave me hanging. The next text will be "Can you stop by the store for bread on your way home from work?" It's a let down every time.

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  11. You are too funny. I love coming to see the new adventures of Lauren and Ryan. I will totally have to find a Ryan type human and to remember he's not trying to drive me crazy on purpose but giving me new material to work with.

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  12. The first ever offer I got through my blog was from a vibrator company. My blog was, at the time, 100% about living in England and traveling in Europe.

    Uhhhhhh....

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  13. It sounds like the work of The Doctor to me. You might want to keep your eyes open for a blue box or listen out for a distinctive whooping sound ;D

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    Replies
    1. I'm so jealous. Which Doctor? David Tennant? Please be David Tennant. And Lauren...TAKE ME WITH YOU!

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  14. It's totally the Doctor. And let me know when you figure out a macro to filter face-to-face budget conversations so that they don't end in violence and bloodshed.

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  15. I have to admit, I stopped reading a lot of blogs this past month or so. I was overwhelmed with real life, but I've missed your stories so much! I have just caught up with all the posts I've missed and reminded myself WHY I have to keep reading your blog religiously, you always make my day better!
    As for the intimacy oils reviews, you should have replied that you'd only review them if they provided you with Justin Timberlake as your test partner!

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  16. Amanda W.4/14/2013

    Ha! My immediately thought was Doctor Who related as well, but I've been beated to the punch! :)

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  17. lol, you made my day. There are so many things in my life that I need to really put in the 'spam' folder - I think I need to get myself a "secretary". And the word 'budget' should immediately be made illegal. BTW what sort of dogs do you have? :)

    ReplyDelete

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