Other Things In The Drawer: A Bag Of Scissors. Ryan Is A Hoarder.

Holler at you Blogstalkers.

Today in an effort to be a better housewife I decided to organize all of the drawers and cabinets and closets in this place.  Everything was going swimmingly - canned goods were alphabetized, pastas sorted by shape and color, tangles of cords completely disregarded.  Then I got to the giant buffet in our dining room.  Most of the drawers hold things like my casserole dishes and cloth napkins and other kitcheny accessories but it seems Ryan at some point appropriated a drawer all for himself.

Not like a secret drawer just a drawer where it appears he decided to put handfuls of change and receipts for gyros and our old remote control.  At first I was aggravated and all "Where did this Beanie Baby even come from!?"  But then I found a crumpled up piece of hotel stationery from Lake Buena Vista which is where we stayed when we went to Disney World recently.

At the top it just said "MANTICS".  And then the only three words on this piece of paper were as follows: Batman, Spanks, Cooties.  And so obviously I called Ryan at work.

Lauren: Ryan what is this list I have found called Mantics?  Also, I really hope that is not short for ROmantics because if you think spanking and batman and cooties are romantic then we need to have a serious talk.

Ryan: What are you even saying to me right now about superheroes and spanking?  Oh shit, I just said THAT out loud at work.

Lauren: I'm cleaning out the buffet and I found this list from Florida.

Ryan: OH ok yeah that's when I started a Twitter account to report all of the ridiculous things you did.  That was so I could remember some of them.

Lauren: So Batman?

Ryan: That drunk kid that bumped into you and spilled beer all over you at Epcot?  And then said "Sorry Bra"?  You don't remember?

Lauren: No?

Ryan:  You were just all "Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Fratman" under your breath.

Lauren: That does sound like something I would say.  What does Cooties mean?

Ryan: Well if I was composing a tweet about it it would go something like, "It's raining in Florida and Lauren is bored so she decided to take ANOTHER Mensa exam for fun.  I don't think she's doing too well as I just heard her say from the other side of the room, "OH! I know this one! Circle, circle, dot, dot now you've got a cootie shot!"

Lauren: That is entirely too long to be a tweet.  Go on though, tell me about the spanking.

Ryan: No not spanking, spanks.  Can we finish this conversation at home?

Lauren: That is just the present participle and plural of the same word.  Did you hear that MENSA?  Yeah.  Now let me in you.

Ryan: No, the brand name Spanks, like the leggings you wear.

Lauren: Oh that is spelled with an X.  Spanx not spanks.

Ryan: How can you even tell how I'm spelling something over the phone?

Lauren: Oh I can tell.  Now what about my Spanx leggings?

Ryan: That day you wore them backwards on accident?

Lauren: Oh! Yeah! That I do remember.  My stomach was all round and shapely that day and my usually callipygian derriere was flattened to nothing.

Ryan: Right and then what did you tell me after you figured it out that night?  About a tv show?

Lauren: I don't remember, you tell me what I said.

Ryan: (In his Lauren voice) I'm going to have to double check to make sure I'm wearing these appropriately in the future.  Because I would hate to end up on that show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" and have my only excuse be "I just thought my Spanx were on backwards again."

Lauren: And now you just said THAT out loud at work.

Ryan: I have to go.

**P.S. it seems the title of that list is short for Manic Antics.  Rude.**

Happy it's almost Friday Blogstalkers?


40 comments:

  1. That cracked me up. I'm really glad Ryan was able to remember all those stories from little words he complied. I'd never remember. I'd just be like, 'hellz if I know what that list is about. I was probably taking cold medication that day!'

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    1. In full disclosure it took him a moment to remember the cootie one, we just chatted about turkey sandwiches for a bit whilst he thought.

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  2. I live in fear of ending up on "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant!" Spanx on backwards is the best excuse yet.

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    1. Seriously I make so much fun of those women that if something like that happened to me I would be like, well I feel especially dumb right now.

      Although I did see one where the woman was just a lot older and thought she couldn't have any more children. That one was sort of OK I guess.

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    2. No joke: My friend was six months pregnant before she knew. NONE of us could understand how that was even humanly possible. I still maintain there must have been some ignored inkling. My brain can't even process it. I can understand not knowing for a couple months, but not six, let alone the ENTIRE time!

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    3. Right!? I mean I'm sure there are instances like with your friend where the situation occurs but it's so confusing to me! I've never been pregnant though so I really don't know much about it.

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  3. Can you come up with other things to make him say at work? Because talking about spanking his wife probably made him super popular and you should definitely help him stay popular!!

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    1. Haha he doesn't actually mind as much as it seems he does since his office is super casual and also very high stress and full of traders shouting the most inappropriate things all the time. He fits right in.

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  4. Haha this is awesome! I have "oh shit I just said that out loud at work" moments quite often. However, it isn't because I am being reminded of funny lists, it tends to be because some days my filter has about a 10 second delay. Which at that point, why even have a filter right? Thank goodness my boss is awesome.

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    1. I used to have those moments all the time too! I still have them honestly but my only colleagues these days are two small dogs who don't care much what I say as long as I keep the kibbles and bits coming.

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    2. WHY did that comment remind me of the milkshake song?!

      "Lauren brings all the kibble to the yard, and the dogs are like these are better than yours. Damn right, my bits are better than yours..."

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    3. And now that is all sorts of stuck in my head!

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  5. Hysterical! As always!

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    Replies
    1. Ah! Glad you liked it!

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  6. I think you should have Ryan make these lists from time to time and then get a random book of mad libs to fill out using the words. Although the stories behind the words are probably much funnier!

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    1. I seriously told him that he needs to continue keeping this sort of list since some of the stupid stuff I do I just write off entirely and forget about and I could use it when I'm short on blog topics.

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  7. Is that seriously a thing? A show called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"?

    And now for some reason I'm very curious about the bag of scissors.

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    Replies
    1. Yep that is seriously a show. Crazy right?

      And I'm very curious about the bag of scissors too. I forgot to ask him about those.

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  8. So. Funny. I'm stealing the Spanx excuse.

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  9. You are really, really, really funny Lauren!

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  10. For the record, and most of the reasons stated above except with different stories and similar punch lines, I am entirely too glad that Brian will never. ever. ever. get a Twitter account. That and it's the only place I can talk about him that he doesn't actually see. Well Twitter...and other people's blogs. Except for some blogs. Because they have pictures of fuzzy animals and he likes those. I'm done now.

    I lied.

    PS: IT'S ALMOST SATURDAY!

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  11. My coworkers look at me like I am a freak whenever I read your posts, because I 1. giggle outloud inappropriately and 2. sometimesreapeatyourstuffoutloudtomyself and 3. then giggle again uncontrollably.

    You totally make my day!

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  12. This is just gold!

    And my elementary school orchestra teacher was Mr. Kuutti. I felt bad for him, but I won't lie and say I never gave myself a cootie shot before class.

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  13. I cracked up laughing read this. love you guys

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  14. Michelle4/25/2013

    This made my evening. I was laughing fairly loudly and both my husband and the puppy were looking at me sideways and I think then looking at each other, all "What's wrong with her"

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  15. h, wow, Ryan has been seriously slacking in his twittering! also, wearing Spanx backwards must be uncomfortable and a good reason to not know you're pregnant.

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  16. Oh this was hilarious. Nice to read something silly during off cycle awake time that I can't call insomnia this time just fell asleep too freaking early.

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  17. Anonymous4/26/2013

    Can Ryan create some sort of email/group text in which he sends us funny little stories about you? Because I'd subscribe. :)

    -Megan Clarke

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  18. Oh how I wish I could have been in his office during that conversation...

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  19. Query - did you stay at the Lake Buena Vista Wyndham? That's where we're staying and I don't trust reviews from people who aren't at least my imaginary friends. 24 hours of Magic Kingdom, here we come!

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    Replies
    1. Nope sorry! Not the Wyndham. Have an amazing time though!

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  20. I have been known to freak out if my period is even a day late and buy a test because I am terrified of being on of those women on that show.

    I do know a girl who found out she was pregnant and assumed she wasn't that far along. Well, since she only does the anatomy scan at 20 weeks with her pregnancies her doctor calculated her due date using only her last missed period, which was only the month before. So everything was fine and dandy. Then she got sick two weeks later and ended up in the hospital for

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  21. I'm just impressed that he remembered all of that based on one work notes to himself. You have to know that he thinks you are funny....

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  22. Ugh. I hate my iPhone and how wonky it acts when I try and comment.

    Anyways....

    So when she was in the hospital the doctor ordered an ultrasound to check on the baby because Mom was dehydrated and she was actually 7 months along already!

    Crazy!

    Her periods hadn't been right and she thought she had just still had weight on her from her last pregnancy. When her second daughter was born, her first was only 13 months old!

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  23. Lauren, I just hope that SOME day I'll be as awesome as you.

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  24. Glenda4/26/2013

    This actually made me laugh out loud!

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  25. OMG, you two are hilarious!

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  26. My husband actually listens and remembers it is terrible. Nothing I ever do is forgotten and he does not have to make notes. I would have loved to not have known that I was pregnant I hated being pregnant. (I was not one of those glowing Mommies to be but I love being a Mom)

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  27. You are brilliant. Sounds like Ryan just doesn't recognize that yet!

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