Dear Ryan, Please Don't Be Mad But, Oh Never Mind I Fixed It. Sincerely, Lauren.

How goes it Blogstalkers?

So you might know by now that I am an extensive journalizer...

OK pause for one second because I did not know until right now that journalizer was a word and it's making me sort of feel like I finally have something in common with Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Which was not something I could ever say in the past seeing as how I have no illegitimate children or muscles of which to speak.  Like he's The Terminator and I am The Journalizer.  And together we travel the world and he wears metal boots and fights crime robots (or whatever it is The Terminator does) while I write profound things in tiny notebooks.  Oh yeah, that totally works.

Moving on though, one of the things that I write in my journals is letters to people who have affected my life in some way, big or small. (Sort of a la the site Dear Blank Please Blank)  These letters obviously never get sent but they help me vent or remember ridiculous things that happened or put my love for Justin Timberlake down on paper.

Here are a couple for your reading perusal.

Dear Guy At The Bar Last Weekend,

"Sorry Girl.  But your body feels really good right now" is not an appropriate apology one makes to a lady after you accidentally touched her all over her back thigh.

P.S. Maybe if you looked more like Ryan Gosling it would have been ok.


Dear One-Time Therapist,

Wondering why I used the phrase 'one-time'?  Well that is because I decided that I would not be coming back at the point in our session today when you leaned back in your chair, pushed your glasses up on your nose, raised one index finger and expressed the insightful thought that "perhaps your anxiety issues are all in your head."

Sincerely,

Well they're certainly not hanging out in my belly button.

Dear Dishwasher Manufacturer,

There are too many holes in your product.  If someone were to hypothetically drop a fork through one of those holes and then attempt to retrieve it they could feasibly get their entire hand stuck in the dishwasher for approximately one hour until their husband comes home to find them with their hand stuck in the dishwasher.  And then said husband could ostensibly make a rude remark about how "at least I know your hand got bathed today."  And then one's day would totally be ruined.

Sincerely,

Not ME, hypothetical person.

Dear Person That Recently Acted As Masseuse to My Friend,

It is true that I have only had two actual massages in my life but I do not remember either of them involving lingering hand-holding.  Maybe like a quick hand squeeze when you are working on the arms but certainly no interlacing of the fingers for "what felt like minutes at a time."  That is weird.

Sincerely,

Not ME, my friend

Dear Vanessa,

Please for the love of god stop buying shady massage packages on Groupon.  It is going to get you in trouble one day.

P.S. What base do you think that masseuse got to with you?  I feel like hand-holding could be like 'The Pitcher's Mound' but you have to remember that you were also not wearing a shirt so I can only assume that the dude basically just ran straight down the center of the field, over the pitcher's mound to second base.  You're just lucky he stopped there because I have no idea what center field means in The Bases game, probably like having the drums played on your butt.

Sincerely,

Lauren

Dear Arnold Schwarzenegger,

I have a really good idea for a new Terminator movie.  If you email me, I'll Write Back.

Sincerely,

The Journalizer

TaDa!

P.S. The winner of the Green Barn Soaps Giveaway is Jamie Boros.  So Jamie, shoot me an email to LaurenRaeGallagher@gmail.com and I'll get you connected with your prize!  Everyone else can still use the code "GetYourShowerOnJointly" at Green Barn Soaps through the month of April to receive 20% off your order!

33 comments:

  1. Dear IRS,
    I do not owe you $3,000. Please see THIS document and THIS document and THIS document. Then learn to add.
    Love, Katie
    P.S. My badass accountant will be faxing you ALL THE THINGS.
    P.P.S. Attempting to solve the debt crisis by frightening money out of the little guy is just plain mean.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha I hate tax mix-ups and believe you me, I have dealt with my share of them, though usually on the Corporate Side. One time though, the state of IL got mine and my mom's SSNs mixed up and they kept saying I hadn't paid them taxes in like 1992, um yeah, because I was 8.

      Delete
    2. Jim and his dad are both named Jim (though he's not technically a junior as they have different middle names) and stuff like that happens to them a lot. Less now that they no longer share an address, but still. Unnerving. (Seriously, will I EVER STOP LAUGHING at the mental image of playing drums on one's butt?!)

      Delete
    3. Haha in full disclosure the drum/butt thing makes me laugh a lot too.

      Delete
  2. Damn, I can't think of anything funny, but I was laughing at all these letters! Maybe I'll come back later after your letter writing awesomeness has retreated from my mind and I'll come up with something awesome. Unfortunately I haven't gotten myself stuck in a dishwasher... ever... :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes the dishwasher thing was weird. We had to take the entire drawer out and sort of bend one of the bars. I have no idea how I could have gotten my hand stuck but then couldn't get it unstuck.

      Delete
    2. Yes sort of like that! And Ryan was just like, "Well I guess this is just your life now Dishwasher-Hand."

      Delete
  3. The booty drum is my sons favorite instrument!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's an excellent choice of instrument.

      Delete
  4. Dear Jamie Boros,
    Thank you for winning the soap giveaway.

    At first, raspberry poppyseed soap seemed like an amazing new concoction that I could not live without - and that I really hoped to win for free because then I would get a cool box from Lauren, and also because I am cheap about spending on the girly-girl things.

    But then I thought - will poppyseed juice soak into my pores? Can poppyseed soap make me fail a drug test? Will airport drug dogs bite me? Not that I've ever actually had to take a drug test or pet an airport drug dog - but ya know, just in case there would be that one random day in my 38-years of days that someone would say - hey you - go pee in this - and then I would be all "Really! It was the poppyseed soap!" and they would be all "Your fired." or "Sorry about that chunk not in your leg anymore". So I got concerned. But still intrigued. But now, you won the drug soap. So me = totally relieved. Yay!

    Thank you and good luck with the dog!
    ~Girl who does NOT smell like raspberries or the Land of Oz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok so I LOVE this comment. Especially the "Sorry about that chunk not in your leg anymore." bit. Cracked me up.

      Delete
    2. HANDS DOWN THE BEST RESPONSE TO A POSTING!!!

      Delete
    3. This is AWESOME!

      Delete
  5. Dear mouse who ninja'd its way into the trunk of my car,
    Thank you for chewing through that box of Samoas and eating half the package thus saving me the truoble of un-needed calories. Everyone knows GS cookies are evil and I hope the lack of healthy nutrition did not shorten your lifespan as it would have done mine.

    Regards,
    hungry hungry hippo

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am mad FOR you at the "Dear One-Time Therapist" note, though I really, REALLY hope that you said "well they're certainly not hanging out in my belly button" back at him. Boo to THAT guy.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous4/17/2013

    What fun! Here is mine.

    Dear Anxiety,

    FUCK YOU.

    Sincerely,
    The girl whose life you are making miserable right now

    I wish I could make my anxiety as fun sounding as you and the bloggess manage to. It would make it seem more tolerable - Oh rachel, you are so cute and funny when you are unable to go to the grocery store on your own and hyperventilate all day thinking about it instead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm with you Anon. Though your note is much more eloquent and concise than mine would be. My note would be all rambling on and on and asking for life to just be 100% in my control already and for oreos to not be as many calories as sometimes they calm me.

      Delete
  8. I laughed so hard at this that my boyfriend because concerned for my well being...
    You are amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear baby in my belly
    Any time now, friend. Your brothers are waiting and your mama is right pissed off about being uncomfortable.
    Also, I know your head measured giant...maybe you could prove that ultrasound tech wrong?
    Thanks,
    Mama

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear Crazy Moving Guy,

    keeping me on old while you repeatedly talked to "your manager" to lower the rate and increase the weight that I still totally think you underestimated was not a good tactic. Nor was continuing to pressure me to book the move today when I said quite clearly multiple times that I'd be doing that on Friday. It makes me think you won't listen when the movers show up and my things will end up in some other similarly named city and not in my actual new state which wouldn't suck so much but I'm rather attached to my things and I think I'd like to keep them.

    Beyond that you were totally stellar at being a high pressure sales guy

    Thanks
    SG

    ReplyDelete
  11. I write these letters in my head all the time, but never seem to write them down. But here's one.

    Dear Emergency Room Doctor,

    Just because you were very busy saving the lives of the 10-15 people that came in before me doesn't mean you get to act like a douche. Nor does it mean that when I come in complaining that my UTERUS hurts that you get to blow me off once you get a refresher on my medical records and find out that I actually don't have an appendix. Sorry to ruin your day. But thanks for telling me something that I already knew.

    Thanks,
    The girl that paid you $150 for you to tell me a diagnosis that I got in 2008.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Man, I think I'm going to send a letter to that doctor, too. What a butthead!

      Delete
  12. Dear Abba,

    I really like your song Dancing Queen.

    Thanks forever,
    Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dear neighbour who's parked across my driveway every morning,

    I seriously don't get enough credit for not killing you. You have carport, idiot! Use it!

    Sincerely,
    Woman who is going to ram your car one of these days and ride off into the distance, cackling.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear Facebook Friends:

    I really don't want to know what you ate for breakfast or see 10,000 photos of your dogs.

    Love, your unfriend


    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh, the entries I could make about traffic, work, and so many other things (people) who drive me batshit crazy. Thank you for this, I think I shall start a similar journal.

    ReplyDelete
  16. 1) I need to start doing this.
    2) These are hilarious.
    3) You made my day.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Your letters are so much more polite than mine. In fact, Open Letters to People Who Need to Fuck Off is a recurring feature on my blog. Maybe if I were more polite, my upstairs neighbor wouldn't be so loud.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Dear People Who Get in the FAST/CARPOOL and then go 10 miles under the speed limit,

    MOVE THE F*CK OVER TO THE RIGHT!!!! In WA the left lane is for passing, if you aren't passing, MOVE THE F*CK OVER TO THE RIGHT!

    Sincerely,

    Me.
    What a great idea! I feel so much better after writing that letter!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ryan Gosling could assault me in an uncomfortable orifice with a grapefruit and I would still enjoy the experience.

    I really like grapefruit.

    ReplyDelete
  20. hahaha

    My husband and I were victims of a sketchy massage groupon. I'm so glad my husband was with me, or else I might be a sex slave to the russian mafia right now.

    ReplyDelete

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