"Time to leave for work. You drive me, Crazy?" - Rude Thing Ryan Said To Me This Morning

Hey Blogstalkers!

As I mentioned briefly in my last post, I'm currently recovering from tapering myself off of all of my anxiety and depression medications.  I still have "Break The Glass" drugs if I start to feel a bit too crazy but as of now I've not taken any of them.

I'm feeling OK as far as these things go but I've been having trouble writing and posting while my brain exists in this sort of in-between fuzzy, jelly-like state.  I should be more clear in my rambling and postulating shortly, but until then, here is a list of five things that have happened in my drug-less world in the last couple of weeks.  (Mostly in the middle of the night when I have less control than usual over my wayward brain.)

Totally laugh at me all you want.

GYM STUFF

1. My doctor recommended yoga (for the hundredth time) as a good way to deal with mental issues without using drugs so on Monday Ryan and I attended a Beginners' Vinyasa Flow Yoga class at our gym. The class is pretty large so the instructor roams about the room making small adjustments and complimenting everyone's yoga prowess.  She told Ryan twice that one of his Warrior Poses was "quite strong" while she'd say things to me like, "Just keep coming back to class, you'll get it!" or "Feel free to go into Child's Pose if this one is too advanced for you."  Finally we were doing what I thought a quite difficult rearranging of the limbs and she was all, "Excellent job!" from across the room and so I gave Ryan a snooty look and was like "HA! Ryan, this is way harder than dumb Warrior Pose, it's probably called something like Burning Fire Dragon Pose or Bravest Lady In The World Pose."  Then the instructor came over and was like, "Wonderful! You're great at Pigeon Pose for a beginner!"

Seriously though.

Warrior Pose:
Pigeon Pose: 

2. I've been into my doctor a bunch because we're monitoring my withdrawal symptoms and other things and yesterday I was there and they had me change into a gown.  Here are three things you should know: It was the day after yoga.  I'm anemic and I bruise really easily.  My doctor works with a teaching hospital so there are often interns in and out of the exam rooms.  When I changed I realized I had a HUGE bruise on each of my knee caps.  And so I said to myself, "Self, everyone is going to think you spend a lot of time on your knees and they are going to think you are a ho bag."  And so to remedy that, I said at various times throughout the interns' exam,  "I'm married." and "I do a lot of yoga."  I do not think it helped my situation any.

3. Since the yoga had actually helped me get to sleep on Monday, on Tuesday afternoon I ventured back to the gym and took a Kick-Boxing class.  I usually avoid Kick-Boxing because I have abysmal balance and fall down at least once or twice a class but I convinced myself and Ryan that that was a thing of the past as I had "just done a shit-ton of yoga."  I fell down twice within the first 30 minutes.  I was starting to get a bit disheartened so I started to sing quiet little ditties to empower myself to get through the rest of class.  I was all, "Yoga, (kick!) What is it good for (kick!), Absolutely nothing (punch! kick! fall!)  Finally the class was over and the instructor was standing by the door bidding everyone farewell.  When I left he was all, "Keep at it little grasshopper."  And I was all, well shit, in just one day I've gone from a pigeon to something a pigeon eats and Ryan still gets to call himself Warrior.  And then I comforted myself with the fact that at least I married up and he was the idiot Warrior who had married himself a hairy-legged insect.

MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT STUFF

1. This morning I woke up in the closet.  With both of my dogs and the comforter from my bed.  I vaguely remember dragging it in there in the middle of the night and locking the closet door from the inside.  Ryan says when he woke up to me doing this and asked what I was doing I said, "Rattle Broom."  And then he says when he was like, "What?"  I said "RA-TUL BROOM," all slowly and deliberately and looked at him like he was missing a brain cell or two.

2. Two nights ago I had a dream that there was a rooster attacking a duck in my backyard.  For some reason I  knew the rooster was evil and so I kept trying to separate it from the duck with my foot and kept getting pecked sharply.  All the while there was a wise old man with a very long white beard sitting on the side of my house, smoking a pipe and trying to help me by proffering cliches.  "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, my dear."  And "There is more than one way to skin a cat, young warrior pigeon grasshopper princess."  To which I was all, "I wish I had a fucking cat! Skinned or unskinned, at least I could be sure it would want to help me get this rooster unlike certain pipe-smoking pacifists I know!"  And then I woke up with my head at the foot of the bed and my feet at the head of the bed, kicking my headboard.

À la prochaine Blogstalkers.  

43 comments:

  1. hahah I can't do the pigeon thing at all! so, you win!

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    1. Haha the reason I can't do any other yoga pose is because of the aforementioned abysmal balance. The reason I think I can do the pigeon one is because my arms are enormously long and pretty much do all the work for me. It doesn't even feel stretchy.

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    2. I have absolutely terrible balance so tree and dancer pose continue to twart me. Headstands freak me out as I'm afraid I will break my neck or something. This seriously limits my yoga doing. My doctor and friends also continue to recommend it to me for the same reasons.

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  2. Seriously, man, that pigeon thing? Rock on! I Zumba and I'm terrible at it. For the first several classes I didn't move my arms and I could see myself in the mirror. All I could think was that I looked like the woman in Seinfeld who never swung her arms. I do it now, but it's usually wrong. I console myself with the fact that at least I'm trying and I miss steps all the time because I have no rhythm, but I'm still not the worst in class. I haven't fallen yet, but it's close.

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    1. Haha I really think the only reason I can do the Pigeon Pose is due to my long limbs. It's really no effort whatsoever for them to grab each other. My fingertips practically graze my toes when I walk anyway.

      I'm TERRIFIED to Zumba. It looks like fun but I definitely would be the worst in the class. And I would fall.

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  3. *sigh* I do really crazy shit in my sleep too. As in things disappear and turn up in odd places 4 months later. Like my good scissors (basement) my nightguard (a coat pocket for pete's sake) and a halloween costume (under the sofa cushions)

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    1. I'm usually just a night-terror sort of girl, the getting out of bed and flipping around the bed is new territory for me. It's sort of hysterical and frightening at the same time.

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    2. I'm afraid Ryan is going to get kicked in the face on night. LOL

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  4. I love you. That is all.

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    1. Thanks. You are awesome, I can tell.

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  5. Laurie3/27/2013

    Ok this has nothing to do with yoga but it does have to do with an embarrassing doctor experience. When I had my oldest daughter 24 years ago, I said to my doctor "if I had known I was going to be in the hospital having a baby today I would have shaved." To which he replied "oh we really don't do that anymore, it is not as unhygenic as we used to think to have hair on your vagina during childbirth".....I was dumbfounded and said "uh....I meant my LEGS! but thanks for that as if this whole thing is not humiliating enough!"

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    1. Ahhhhh, what doctor says that! Crazy.

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  6. sSharon Rutledge3/27/2013

    A Ho bag!! Omg. I am trying to laugh quietly at work. girl, you are on fire with this blog. Thanks for a much needed laugh!

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  7. I totally thought you meant shave your vagina! In your doctors defence I am not a doctor and stillthought that. To weaken the defence, I am a nurse. Back to in your doctors defence at least he was an OB and you were about to deliver a baby from your vagina, so not like his train of thought was out in left field. Get back to me if your dentist says that though ... ;)

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    1. Haha I'm guessing this is in reply to Laurie's comment above.

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  8. Okay. Pigeon pose is WAY HARDER than Warrior pose. You have to be seriously bendy to do Pigeon! In fairness though, it would be awfully difficult to hold a sword all curled up like that, so in case of zombie apocalypse, Warrior pose wins. In all other cases? Pigeon wins.

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    1. I'm proudly not bendy at all and can still do pigeon (long arms)! The instructor was all "Now bend deeper into the post and everyone was all "AAARGH"" And I was like, "I'm not sure I can bend deeper, do you want me to grasp my foot with my teeth or something?"

      I'm not letting Ryan read this comment btw. He's always saying in the even of a zombie apocalypse that I shall die quickly and he shall repopulate the earth. And this only confirms that.

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    2. At least he's not threatening to repopulate the earth with Taylor Swift...

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  9. Yay! I am glad you made it to yoga and through a class, hopefully it will see far less scary now. Both warrior and pigeon are hard for me, tight hip flexors. Also you didn't say you fell in yoga class and that counts as a huge plus.

    Kudos on getting through the nights! I know days can be hard, but there's so much more distractions!!

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    1. We both ended up liking it a lot and are going to make it our normal Monday night routine. Ryan tried to argue that it counted as one of the two monthly dates I make us go on because he bought me a banana afterwards but he did not succeed. He should not be a lawyer ever.

      And nope no falling in yoga! There were some poses that I tried a little and then had to be firmly spectator sports because the room was crowded and I would have knocked down an entire row though.

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  10. Aw you will get through this. I am sorry you're going through a fuzzy, tough time. It should be worth it when its all said and done. Keep up with the yoga- you're a better yogi than me!

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  11. Anonymous3/27/2013

    Good luck with being off your meds! I know it's probably scary and hard, but it sounds like you're doing really well. I recently stopped taking my RA meds and although my withdrawals aren't anything similar to yours, I understand how you feel (a little). Going from all meds to no meds is scary! I'm glad yoga was able to help you. The sleep weirdness is hilarious! Unfortunately for my husband, I do those things naturally. (Allegedly) I tried to shove him out of bed the other night, and when he didn't go anywhere I (still allegedly) had a temper tantrum and kicked all our covers off. :)

    -Megan Clarke

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  12. Congrats on making to yoga and kick-boxing! I loved #3... idiot Warrior :). I heard on The Today Show today about a gym somewhere in Chicago (yeah I know it's a big city) that has workout classes where you bring your dog along. Sounded like it could be fun, do you think your pups would be interested?
    http://k9fitclub.com/

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  13. You make my heart smile.

    And the other night I dreamt fighter drones were flying around inside my apartment and as scared of them I was, I was more terrified when they suddenly disappeared.

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  14. I'm never sleeping over at your house. I'm proud of you for weaning. I'm weaning myself...Yesterday was a tense day...

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  15. I have freakishly short arms and any time a pose requires me to grab hold of another body part I just stand there looking stupid...I keep thinking becoming more bendy will help...not sure about that. Congrats on no drugs! I know it's hard but it will be so worth it when you get pregnant and Ryan better let you have a baby after all of this hard work you have put in!

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  16. "And then he says when he was like, "What?" I said "RA-TUL BROOM," all slowly and deliberately and looked at him like he was missing a brain cell or two." Best sentence EVER!! I literally laughed out loud while sitting all alone in my office, totally giving away the fact I am reading funny blogs when I should in fact be, oh I don't know.... WORKING. Thanks for the giggles. I hope everything levels off soon for you.

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  17. you are truly funny, lady!

    hoping there's not too many more closet-hiding-moments as you wean yourself off the drugs.

    and your comments on yoga brought tears to the eyes. #genius

    sending a nice non-stalker virtual hug your way.

    and *wavingfromlosangeles*

    _teamgloria x

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  18. Well, you have me beat. I can't do any yoga at all!

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  19. Yoga and I are trying to get acquainted but it actually hurts more than the working out does so I look at it with a mean face. Rattle Broom is SOOOO now gonna be what I say when folks are doing something incredibly weird for no apparent reason. I so love that Lauren you have NO idea how much.

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  20. You are a badass, I am rooting for you in this! My other half is dealing the the fallout of weaning himself from all his meds. He has some serious ptsd issues so it's been exciting for the both of us.

    Also, I can only wish that my shitty little closet had a door so that I could head into it at night when the other half is having flailing/sweaty night dream/terror/things. I think you are onto something with this whole idea though, I'm going to look into making it work.

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  21. I don't know what you're talking about. All of this makes total sense. :)

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  22. I heart warrior pose. That is all.

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  23. I lied. Totally and completely lied. My brain was saying pigeon pose. And my fingers typed warrior. And I just now realized that. So I revoke the previous statement.

    I heart pigeon pose. THAT is all.

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  24. I bruise insanely easily as well. It's really bad, because sometimes I look as if someone is beating me up (I swear, no one is). I've had a couple of doctors ask me about it and they are finally testing me for anemia. It would make a lot of sense if I had it.

    And, on another note, I've definitely woken up inside of my closet before. With both of my cats. It was a weird night.

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  25. I love that you guys went to yoga together!

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  26. The pigeon pose definitely looks harder!

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  27. If you rocked out pigeon pose, you are killing it. Absolutely killing it! I've been doing vinyasa for years -- and love rocking out the crazy arm balances -- but pigeon pose defeats me every damn time.

    It makes sense. Have you seen a pigeon? Those little f-ers are more wily than a wolverine and terrorize entire metropolises. If given the choice between confronting a warrior or a pigeon, I would probably go with the warrior. At least she wouldn't take a shit on my head.

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  28. Uhhh pigeon pose looks WAY harder! Like those super bendy cheerleaders from back in the high school days. Pretty sure you win!

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  29. Hysterical. Why am I just finding you?!!

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  30. Seriously, some of those yoga poses are freaking hard. I use an easier pose half the time. Next time just leave Ryan at home, or trip him mid-pose or something. :)

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