From Now On I Only Go To The Grocery Store Incognito

Hi there Blogstalkers, I am almost fully recovered and feeling much better after the Great Ovary Explosion of 2013.  Thanks for all of your well-wishes!

On Friday I was still in quite a bit of pain and moving around too much hurt.  My doctor had given me pain killers but since drugs like that tend to affect me in crazy ways, I was trying to abstain from taking them.  Finally though I gave in and took one half of one pill.  And just like that I was SuperGirl and I kept trying to explain to Ryan how what I was experiencing was not pleasure but rather the complete absence of any pain.

I was like, "This is the best feeling ever.  My hip doesn't hurt from where I hit it on the bench in the shower and the papercuts all over my hands might as well not exist and while my pinky toe still may or may not be broken, right now I can't even tell if it's still attached to my foot."

And Ryan was like, from now on you are only allowed to wear clothing made of bubble wrap.

Which is definitely not going to happen.  Because Ryan and I had a 90's music lyric-off on Friday when I was sitting on the couch recovering and I totally won and I have ordered a tee shirt proclaiming me the winner.  And THAT is a shirt that needs to be worn places.

Anyway though, after my pain killer kicked in I was feeling FANTASTIC and remembered that we still needed some things for dinner and that the dogs needed food so I decided to go to the store.  I obviously could not drive to the store because of the dope so I announced I would walk.  To which Ryan pointed out that the dog food weighs 50 lbs. and I most assuredly could not carry that home.

I attempted to convince him otherwise by trying to pick up the couch but it seems late at night when I am sleeping Ryan sneaks upstairs and glues the furniture to the ground because it would not budge.

So Ryan offered to go to the store in my stead but I was all, "You don't know where anything is and it takes you forever and you always get the wrong cheese and you're always embarrassing me by trying to make the chickens do the Chicken Dance."

So the plan was for Ryan to just drive me to the store and then stay in the car.

I hurried inside and grabbed a cart.  I sped about the store grabbing the necessary items, leaving the dog food for last since it is heavy and near to the cashiers.  When I finally got to the pet aisle I see Ryan bending over to grab a bag of food and I feel a rush of love for this boy who has left his warm car and ventured through the cold parking lot just so I don't have to pick up the heavy bag of dog food.

So I do what any normal, sort of on drugs, wife who loves her husband and sees him bending over in the pet supply aisle of the grocery store would do.

I do a quick check to make sure no one else is in the aisle and then I back my ass up even with his and am all "Bow Chicka Bow Wow!"

And then Ryan pops up and turns around and first I notice that he has a confused expression on his face.  Second I notice that it is not in fact Ryan.

So I semi-scream and am all SORRY SORRY SORRY I thought you were my husband and well, I do things like that.  I took a Vicodin today.  Not for fun, though it's not been a terrible couple of hours I suppose.  Anyway, let's both forget this ever happened.  Especially you.

And then I grabbed my food and awkwardly dragged it to the waiting cashier, willing myself to get out of the store as quickly as I could without ever seeing the Ryan-butt-doppelganger again.

And I almost made it.  But alas I saw the dude as I was nearing the door.  At the self-checkout, with a friend and they were both laughing and then the one pointed to me and they both were like "Bow Chicka Bow Wow" and then one of them howled, which still leaves me confused because was that his own addition to the scene or had I actually howled the first time around and immediately blocked it out?  Please god let it be the first one.

I stopped to shout something like, "Ahhhh NO!  I said you were to forget this ever happened, not ensure the tales survives the ages through richly crafted folk lore!" before I darted out of the store and into the warm waiting car where I announced to Ryan, "Well we need to get a new grocery store.  And also could you please look into changing the shape of your butt because the way it is now is only going to bring back bad memories for me."

And Ryan just sighed and pulled out of the parking lot and took his ridiculous wife home, only making one slightly veiled threat to take me to A home along the way.

Anyone else have a good shopping story?  Or did anything fantastic come your way this weekend?

49 comments:

  1. That was a great story. At least if that Ryan butt doppleganger tells the story, we have actual evidence on this blog of what really happened with no crudely embellished details.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously, he'll probably be all, "And then she took her top off," and be like, "No I took my coat off because I was flustered and got hot. I was wearing another shirt."

      Delete
  2. When my husband and I were celebrating our first year of dating (when he still allowed me to do that!) we decided to spend a day at Michigan Museum with a friend of mine. In this museum they have a mining section and somehow my friend and I got separated from him. We were waiting at the end of the display for him when all of the sudden we hear a man yell and then we hear screams of people being scared which was followed with "I am so sorry! I thought you were going to be someone else!" He thought we were behind him so he waited in the dark mining area and jumped out at a family of 3 thinking it was us. It was great!! No one got felt up in this story but still pretty funny!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! I love cases of mistaken identity! My mom once got into the wrong car in front of the grocery store and there was a very large man in the driver's seat and she screamed and ran. My dad, who was in the car in front of her watched the whole thing. I feel bad for the man she screamed at haha!

      Delete
  3. How wonderfully horrifying! I hope you have other grocery stores nearby... From now on you should force Ryan to wear ugly or bright colored pants so that there's no mistaking his butt - it's only practical!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THAT is a very good idea!

      Delete
  4. I just read that out loud to my wonderful Jeremiah. He said, and I quote "You read the most ridiculously messed-up people."

    And then I gave him your blog address.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And then I had to ask for the pink pillow I use to support the baby when I'm feeding her. And it was under his butt. Again.

      He said "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" and then tried to distract me while he pulled it out and threw it at me. And almost hit the baby. Good job, JEREMIAH.

      Delete
    2. Haha tell him that I read his Father Fails blog and so he IS READ by the most ridiculously messed-up people.

      Delete
    3. He says Awesome. Awesome. Also that he takes it as a very high compliment.

      And I've noticed you don't comment, LAUREN. I'm feeling all neglected now.

      Delete
    4. OH I'm the worst ever at commenting. I always have so many to catch up on my own blog, but I read it all! Yours too! You sucked me in with all of the baby pictures and made me stay with all the funny.

      Delete
    5. Ok. You're officially forgiven.

      There may be blog posts being written for both blogs as we speak.

      Delete
  5. Leslie3/11/2013

    OMG, I'm SO sorry you were mortified, but I can't stop laughing!! If nothing else, your life stories bring happy-making to others, so I hope that knowledge brongs you *some* warm fuzzies. And just think of what an awesome story you gave that guy to tell! And I have tears of laughter rolling down my face. See? You're so giving, like Oprah, only funnier!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha that is totally my new tagline. LIke Oprah, Only Funnier!

      Delete
    2. Leslie3/11/2013

      ^brings, not "brongs." Which we all know is, um, like, Klingon for, er, "bestows rainbows." Or something.

      Delete
    3. I just sort of took it as a new and exciting tense of the verb bring. Like a replacement for 'brought.'

      Delete
  6. JessieJ3/11/2013

    Great post!

    One of the guys I work with pulled the "got into the wrong car" trick at lunch one day. There were a bunch of us and we hung back when we saw him going to the wrong car, just so we could watch. He opened the door and started to get in, and THEN saw that some guy was sitting in the front seat. We still tease him about it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha I wish for once I got to just sit back and watch someone else do something embarrassing!

      Delete
  7. Once, in college, a guy mistook me for his girlfriend. I imagine they'd started dating whilst very drunk at a dark bar or something. Anyway, I knew the guy vaguely and was sitting outside my dorm waiting for someone. He went to hug me and I was like "well, I didn't know we were like pals, but okay" and then he tried to kiss me and I dodged. He apologized for having smoked, then realized his breath wasn't why I didn't kiss him, it's because I was not his girlfriend. Your story? Way less embarrassing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Well, I didn't know we were like pals, but okay" DYING laughing here...

      Delete
  8. On Thursday night, I was at the bar with my brother and some friends (which I used to do all the time, but I don't do almost ever anymore)...And I looked at some girl, smiled at said "HI!" thinking she was this one girl...and she very much was not. So I just looked away embarrassed after her odd stare...and thinking no one noticed, went back to my drink. My brother looked at me, and asked, "Did you just say hi to that girl?" "Maybe." "And she ignored you?" "Because I don't actually know her." And my brother howled with laughter.

    Not as embarrassing as butt dancing with a stranger...but I know there a story like that in my world somewhere.

    Happy Monday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I've done something like that! Once I waved out of my car like a freak at the person next to me at the light because I was positive it was someone I knew. It was not and I just felt ridiculous.

      Delete
  9. I was meeting friends at a restaurant for a 21st birthday and "they" were standing outside as I walked up. I went up behind the birthday girl, threw my arms around her waist, and lifted her off the ground swinging her side to side in a giant bear hug singing Happy Birthday. When I eventually put her down she turned around and of course it wasn't her. My friends watched the whole thing from across the way. Then we were seated next to the fake birthday girl for the entire night. I wish I could say she was a good sport but I suppose in her defense she WAS just violated. By me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok that's sort of hysterical! Sorry it had to happen to you but I am glad that it happened and I got to hear about it!

      Delete
  10. PS you are hysterical.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are so funny. Thanks for cracking me up. I've been cranky all day due to the time change

    ReplyDelete
  12. Priceless! I've decided that you need your own tagline. It would be something like "Lauren...where calamity ensues!" :) I would just love to spend an average day with you, you never know what is going to happen...or come out of your mouth!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh my, that's so funny, but just because it wasn't me! I think I would have died from embarrassment. I totally support changing grocery stores.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh Lordy...that has to be the greatest grocery store story ever!! It's nice to know I'm not the only one that goofy things happen to when I'm out shopping xD.

    ReplyDelete
  15. OMG, my husband keeps asking me what is wrong because I can't stop laughing and I can't breathe.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Merete3/12/2013

    How about trying the pow pow shimmy next time?
    http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/the-greatest-justin-timberlake-dance-moves-of-all-time

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm so glad all the weird things I think of in my head are done by other people cause I so would do that but I'm not as likely to not run into a butt that is not my significant other's cause I live where there aren't a lot of folks that look like me so odds are slim a butt twin will be nearby.

    ReplyDelete
  18. That sounds oddly similar to something that happened to me a couple of weeks ago. Now in need of a new coffee shop :) Awkward ladies, unite!

    http://thatsmeinthemiddle.wordpress.com/2013/02/27/well-that-was-embarrassing/

    ReplyDelete
  19. PotterTributeOfTheNinthDoctorWithAniPhone3/12/2013

    Best. Story. EVER. Can't stop laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Emily E.3/12/2013

    Lauren I always find your tales amusing butt (<--get it?) this one seriously has me busting up! The silent, whole body is shaking kind of laugh! Thank you so much for sharing this harrowing story of the 'Vicodin that Lead to Bow Chicka Bow Wow'!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Way to go RYAN! If you had been the kind and thoughtful husband your wife thought you are then it would have been you in the grocery store appreciating her spontaneous romantic moment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right! This is ALL RYAN'S FAULT! Way to go Ryan.

      Delete
  22. Anonymous3/13/2013

    people maybe think I am awkard because most of the time when I am in the grocery store I am singing (only in my head) - anyway - we have this tiny little small store here which I love - but a year ago I was like singing loud - I did not recognize it until this guy (which obviously drunk waaaaaaaaaaay to much on this day) told me I have an amazing voice. And no I recognized that he was drunk before he told me I have an amazing voice.
    ....

    sophie :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. While it wasn't in a store, I had my own horribly embarassing mistaken identity incident this morning.

    I have this co-worker who subsrcibes to the unkempt school of fashion and with whom I have a long history of demonstrating love through insults. His uniform is usually a long-sleeved polo shirt, rumpled khakis, and mussed hair.

    So, this morning, I saw a gentleman across the street from our office in that ensemble. I assumed its the co-worker. I waved. He squinted at me. I shouted at him to stop being such a loser. He turned away. I gave him the middle finger for ignoring me as I crossed the street. Other people had started to stare.

    And then I get closer.

    It's not my schlumpy co-worker.

    It is a homeless man who is obviously mentally ill.

    And I just gave him the middle finger and called him a loser. In front of a lot of people. In front of my office.

    I have not gone back outside since and I am considering sleeping here tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I read this. I laughed out loud. I read it out loud to everyone in the room. I shared it with everyone I know.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I actually laughed out loud. Like for real, not just saying "lol" and really only smiled. I almost did something horrible like that once. I was in the Walmart parking lot and I saw who I thought was my best friend up ahead. My plan was to run up behind her and ram my cart into her butt. About halfway there, a little angel whispered in my ear "are you sure that's her? Maybe this isn't a good idea" and for once I actually listened to the little angel. Which is a good thing because it turned out to not be my best friend and I avoided a night in jail for assault and battery with a shopping cart...

    ReplyDelete
  27. Omigosh! What a GREAT story! I love it! You gave that guy quite a thrill! My favorite line was: "Anyway, let's both forget this ever happened. Especially you."

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
 
Site Design By Designer Blogs