And Then I Told The Biggest Lie I've Ever Told - I'm Not Weird!!

Hello my lovely beautiful Blogstalkers!

First a little catch-up on  what's been going on with  me.  If you don't follow me on Facebook, what has happened is this:

Monday afternoon my right side erupted with an explosion of vicious, could-not-sit-up-straight pain.  So I took myself off to the Emergency Room to figure out what the heck was going on.  The ER was packed that night but I was eventually diagnosed with a kidney infection, given something to handle the pain and sent home.  Monday night was awful.  Tuesday, not being completely sold on the diagnosis and still in pain, though less pain, I went and saw my most wonderful doctor.

Turns out, not kidney infection at all (stupid ER), but rather ANOTHER burst ovarian cyst.  These things are intensely painful and I'm finally at the point today where I can have some more procedures done without kicking wildly at anyone who even mentions my lady parts.

So I am back at the hospital for an ultrasound.  I'll be home again tonight.

According to most people, ultrasounds are like, totally no big deal, but well...you know me.

Wish me luck that this one goes off without a hitch. UNLIKE LAST TIME

Although I will say it's more likely that something inane will happen.  I couldn't even manage the ER without getting all sorts of embarrassed.

Basically I had to give a urine sample while still in triage so I traipsed across the busy waiting room to the bathroom and then back with my (sealed) cup.  Of course I tripped, because there was a man lying on the ground for some reason and flung my cup (still tightly sealed) across the room where it proceeded to roll under someone's chair.  And I couldn't bend down and get it because of pain so I had to go to the nurse and say,

"Um yes, I can not bend down and I need someone to retrieve my urine."

And then the nurse, understandingly confused, was like, "Do you mean you need help in the washroom dear?"

And I was all, "OH No! Haha! Nothing like that!  I just threw my specimen cup under a chair in the waiting room and I can't bend down to pick it up."

Then she looked at oddly and so I was like, "Not on purpose! I'm not weird!"

She probably could have made a good argument against that.  Especially after I couldn't remember which chair it was under and she had to crawl around on the floor peeking under chairs for pee.

She was very nice.

Anywho, I'll be back tomorrow!

39 comments:

  1. You can't hear it, but I'm slow clapping for you. That's our Lauren! <3

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    1. *Bows then grimaces* At least no one can yell at me for only wearing sweatpants at the moment. Regular pants hurt RYAN.

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  2. Aw, hope you feel better soon! I was being weird (or awesome) yesterday. This chick texted me but it was a wrong number so at first i was like wrong number, but then i asked if she wanted to be friends and tried to carry on a conversation. Apparently, thats creepy. Sadness but its off my bucket list.

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    1. Haha that's awesome, I've been waiting and waiting for someone to wrong number text me so we can be friends and have a great story of how we met.

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    2. I have been wrong number texted but I was just told to stay away from her boyfriend. there were various threats that went with it. I wish I remembered them.

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    3. Oh I totally would not have texted her back, I'm terribly afraid of someone showing up at my house with a baseball bat and death threats if I do not stay away from their boyfriend/husband.

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  3. I don't know if it helps with the pain any, but I heard today that your next husband is going to be on SNL this weekend. So there's that to look forward to.

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    1. Oh I know! He announced it on Instagram and as we are Instagram buddies (that is what it is called when one person stalks the other person and leaves them comments and they pretend you don't exist right?) I saw it right away! Can't wait!

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  4. I hope your procedure goes smoothly and you are home, embarrassment-free, sooner than intended.

    Also, I am now disappointed that I don't have any hospital stories nearly as awesome as yours.

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    1. I'm replying to this from the hospital and so far, embarrassment free! I kept on the appropriate clothing this time! Although, ironically, the appropriate clothing this time was no clothing at all.

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  5. Dang! Girl i am so sorry for the pain brought by courtesy of fricking ovarian cysts. They suck rotten eggs. I describe them as the iron man pulling out my crotch with big giant metal hands. I had one giant one for months and the stupid ER said i had diverticulitis and needed a colonsocopy. Um Dr how did you miss the grapefruit cyst on my ovary in exams? Hang in there!

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    1. I'm seriously so mad at the ER right now! Like I know it was busy but it was NOT a kidney infection! That sounds awful btw, mine have not been nearly so serious as that. Hope you're feeling better!

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  6. OMG. Ovarian cysts are the WORST. You're all "well hello and thanks for lighting my left ovary on fire with acid" and then you punch someone perfectly harmless in the face.
    I hope all goes well, you punch no one and they give you all the good drugs. Make sure Ryan has a bevy of cheeses for you to expedite the healing process. ;)

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    1. I'm doing much much better thanks! And yes, they're the worst! At least of all of the pains I've had so far. I will update everyone after I have given birth.

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  7. Keep the appropriate clothing on, don't fall off the table, and daydream about JT bringing you puppies. I hope you feel better soon.

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    1. Ironically this time, the appropriate clothing was "no clothing at all." I did quite well.

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  8. I had a seizure the first time I had a cyst rupture (from infection/blood loss/whatever). They are no laughing matter. And the 2nd one they nearly took my ovary away forever. BC is keeping it under control for now but I have this serious fear that once I'm ready for babies I'll go off the BC and my over is just going to explode and kill me. Good luck to you!

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    1. Oh Yikes!! And I'm sure you know this but my doctor told me that cysts tend to be much much more rare during pregnancy, so, you know, now that's a reason I'm trying to use on Ryan.

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    2. Oh yeah, once preggers you're good. It's the time between stopping birth control and actual pregnancy that freaks me out. Maybe I'll be lucky and it'll happen right away? Ahh, stuff to deal with later. Good luck with Ryan :)

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  9. oww! those cysts hurt! I had one where I was bent in half in pain and had my hubby take me to the ER. I feel your pain.

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    1. That's like exactly what I was doing, just huddled over in the ER in all sorts of pain...ick.

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  10. Oh I have ovarian cysts! I had one once where I couldn't stand up straight for two days, probably due to all the bleeding internally. I always got the same answer 'oh, that's normal for women' which totally makes me want to punch the Dr saying it.

    I hope your ultrasound is good, and yes, it's totally not a big deal. Imagine getting it every day for at least 4 days straight. That's what you have to do during fertility treatments, although it is nice to see your insides are still normal every so often. Yippee!

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    1. My doctor is absolutely insanely wonderful and I would marry her if I was not married and she was not married with a child and either one of us was not a woman or both of us were lesbians. And if I could make her fall in love with me, which seems unlikely since she has a front row seat to all of my neuroses.

      The ultrasound was totally no big deal, but I do have to go back for another Tuesday, so I might end up doing something ridiculous in the end!

      So sorry you have to deal with cysts too! They are terrible.

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  11. thanks for re-sharing your last ultrasound experience. I read it the first time you posted, but it is just as funny the second time 'round! I hope you are feeling better super soon. Can't wait to drool over JT on SNL this weekend.

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    1. Me neither! Fingers crossed Mr. Samberg comes back for a Digital Short.

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  12. It takes true talent to make internal bleeding amusing. Bravo.

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    1. Bows, then falls over in pain from bowing.

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  13. I have PCOS and am not on BC due to the laughable possibility of getting knocked up accidentally but I am on Metformin for it and it helps with the cysts dramatically and regulates my period. Thankfully I haven't had one burst, but I do have pain monthly.

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    1. Oh I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. I have a friend with PCOS and it's hard even watching her struggle each month. My heart goes out to you!

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    2. Thank you! It took five years but we finally had our little girl and couldn't be more thrilled. It's a completely suck syndrome, not only do you have infertility issues, but you get the bonus weight gain that is difficult to lose. I hope you're feeling better soon.

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  14. When I was 16 I had an ovarian cyst that was the size of a SOCCER BALL. I had zero pain other than low back pain from lugging that sucker around. Had it removed, grew another one the size of a grapefruit, still no pain. 15 years later I would grow one every month, just a little one, think golf ball size. The PAIN, Jesus please kill me, it was like someone was giving my insides an acid bath. Also, I hope you call your ER and thank them for treating the phantom kidney infection and suggest a refund.

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  15. I had to deal with multiple problematic cysts and I swear (like Mia) the smaller ones were wicked awful! My daughter just had surgery for an ovarian cyst last weekend. Turns out, it was on her fallopian tube - weird. But she did inherit the ovarian cyst thing from me, as well as her sharp wit and intense beauty.

    I'm sorry you're not feeling well and I hope you're feeling better very soon!

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  16. I hope you're starting to feel better now that you are properly diagnosed. Sometimes, I think doctors have no idea what is going on, so they just make a guess and send you on your way...

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  17. Aww I hope you feel better and you don't have to fling any more waste products anywhere.

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  18. Anonymous3/08/2013

    I hate getting ultrasounds, I hate how much water you have to drink. Then they push on your bladder and say is that uncomfortable....I am sorry you have to have another one:(

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  19. On the bright side, that's got to be one of the more hilarious urine sample mishaps that can happen.

    May your ultrasound gel be heated - that's always such a nice touch. I had one a few months ago (blogged about it and everything) and I didn't even have to drink water beforehand - I went to a real pro. But I'm not sure you can get that kind of service/skill outside of Manhattan's East Side.

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  20. i had a cyst on my ovary burst & i had to have surgery. i also had to drive myself to the ER in the middle of the night. the pain was so bad that i passed out at an intersection & my jeep rolled along until it hit the curb & i came to & proceeded to drive the rest of the way there. i passed out again from the pain when they tried to get me to lay down on the gurney for the CT scan. they finally knocked me out & when i came to, an ER doc was telling me that they were admitting me for emergency exploratory surgery. & then, as if my magic, my OBGYN doc was right there asking what i wanted to do about my fertility. you know, in case they had to perform a hysterectomy. i started hysterically bawling & they knocked me out again. when i came to (again) it turns out that it was a cyst on my ovary that had burst & i spent another two nights in the hospital miserable. i also found out that my boyfriend had given me the clap (something he still denies because he tested negative, but took the antibiotics anyway). then i spent another three days on my couch miserable. i hope your experience turns out better.

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  21. Anonymous3/11/2013

    It is now 3/11/13. That is 3 "tomorrows" longer than when you said you'd be back! I hope everything is OK with your lady bits and other Lauren parts.

    xoxo!

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  22. Now that I'm done hacking from choking on a carrot, due to a full 5 minutes of continuous laughter, I will tell you that this is the best thing I could have read today. After a month of unending stress, this was awesome. I thank God for you and your shared life experiences. Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking time off to write full time.

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