I've Eaten Seven Clementines Today Already. This Has Nothing To Do With The Post, I Just Thought It Was Impressive And Needed To Be Mentioned.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day Blogstalkers!

I was planning to do this post last week but then I had to go to Disney World and so it fell by the wayside.  So since I am always willing to extend a holiday (no my Christmas stuff is not still up) I thought I would just do it today.

I'm officially holding a contest to see who can create the very best candy heart.  This idea originally started as a post where I would make a bunch of my own candy hearts for laughs but it turns out I am terrible at candy hearts.  I'm not great at keeping my words to a minimum, which is probably why I'm also terrible at Twitter.

Like seriously this was my best effort:

Photo Credit to Slam Greetings (Follow this link to generate your own hearts and send them to your friends electronically.)

Awful right?  And after that, things just went terribly downhill when I started to riff off of Taylor Swift songs and be all "I could see your stubble when you walked in, shave it off right now.  Seriously, it hurts my face."  And it got even worse when I started to get all vile and dirty and change Downton Abbey into a heart involving the words 'Downtown' and 'flabby'.  I seriously started to get horrified at the places my brain was taking me.

So I thought I'd turn it over to the funniest people I know, all of you.

This is how it works.  Leave your suggestions in the comments and come Monday I will let you all vote on all of the suggestions for the winner (don't worry there will be a real post Monday as well.)

What does the winner get you ask?  Well first I will have your delightful candy heart slogan placed on a notepad of your choice from Paper Source.  And I'll also throw in a $25 Amazon gift card.  

So have at it!

Fire Away, Fire Away. (And feel free to enter one million times if you like!)

P.S. Can't wait for Monday to vote for something and want to exercise your right to vote immediately?  Then feel free to head over to The Skinny Scoop where I've somehow been nominated as a Top 25 Humor Blog and vote for me!  Last time I checked I'm currently tied for 3rd.  It would be really cool to win because it would be like irrefutable proof that I can sometimes be funny and I could be all, SEE Ryan?! You can not deny it any longer! I am a comedienne!


  1. First of all, I'm very impressed by your intake of 7 clementines. All that vitamin C will be goog for you.

    Okay, here is my heart idea...

    "I am not PMS-ing today"

    I hope that I win

  2. Replies
    1. This made me laugh out loud.

  3. This is what my valentine to Brian said...

    Candy Heart: I love you more than cheese.

  4. "I only love you for your pheromones"

    Which is the truncated way of saying "The air you breathe out of your nose when you're sleeping smells like heaven but that's too long and creepy to fit on a conversation heart."

    My husband is so lucky. SO. LUCKY.

  5. [first time commenter, several months' reader - I think you are awesome, you are the 3rd blog I read every day after Young House Love and Duchess Kate :D]

    How 'bout:
    It's business time.

  6. "I guess you'll do" or "I'd rather be [insert anything here]"

  7. "I'm still drunk."

  8. Megan M.2/22/2013

    I'm going to steal from a quote that I posted on Facebook for my husband around our anniversary (SO romantic, right?) and nominate this:

    "Murder, yes, but divorce? Never."

    These were on clearance. You're welcome.
    No, you can't put it there. Here, have a candy heart.

  10. How about, "I love you enough to share my chocolates. But just one."

  11. All of mine are brisk...

    "That'll do pig"
    "Let's do this"
    "Sure, fine, whatever"
    "It's not your birthday"

    1. That'll do pig. Priceless.

  12. "I love you more than a fat kid loves cake."

  13. You're my lobster.

    Friends fans will get it. Everyone else will think I'm weird. I'm okay with that.

    1. I love this one!

    2. I totally remember that! But probably wouldn't have gotten it if Friends wasn't mentioned.

  14. "Are you 18?"
    "You won!"
    "If you read this, I'll have to kill you"
    "Won't you be my neighbor?"

  15. Liz Margiotta2/22/2013

    "not organic"

  16. Be my... sperm donor

  17. Hurry up, I gotta go...

  18. Whose booty is it?

  19. Becky M.2/22/2013

    From you to Ryan: "It's Baby Time!"

  20. Lacy Toussaint2/22/2013

    Careful, My friend once ate 10 oranges and the next day was not pretty for him....if you catch my drift!

    You were nominated because when I saw the poll your blog was the first to come to mind, and I was warned numerous times while reading your blog at work and snickering to myself that I was in fact not a professional blog reader, and to get back to work! (I wish you could see my 2 tiny ponies that sit on my desk, naturally the Tiny Danza posts make me happy!!) My email has been blowing up with all the people nominating you!

    I've got nothing witty to contribute to your candy heart sayings, largely due to pure exhaustion, or as my co-workers like to say "you look extremely sleepy" which I am pretty sure is code for "You look like shit today, did you even shower" into which I cannot deny their accusations. Good luck on it all (Candy hearts, and voting polls)!

  21. I think you hit candy heart perfection with that slogan Lauren! There is no way I can improve upon that.

  22. "you did the dishes!"
    "Your dirty dishes made it to the sink!"
    "you changed a diaper!"

  23. i can't even think of a clever candy heart phrase because seriously, your phrase sums up what i deem to be the perfect valentine gift. (pretty sure it also works for birthday, christmas and anniversary, right?) although you could just go all out and make it a competitive heart - "i'll shave my legs when you shave your face." but aside from yours, my vote goes to the folks who submitted "i am not pmsing today" or "sure, fine, whatever".

  24. "I'm not wearing underwear and not because I need to do laundry"

  25. OOh, I love this, even though I am probably the only person who thinks I am funny. M'eh one person laughing is still one person laughing so probably a good think so long as I don't have crazy eyes, right?

    "Why yes, I did go for a run but now am gorging on candy hearts. Because athletic wear doesn't come in "Judgy McJudges a lot" sizes" Though that will probably have to be a big heart to fit all that on it. Oh well, that isn't bad either, actually helps my saying really, so I'm sticking with it.

  26. "No means yes, and yes means..."

    "I skipped the bean burrito. You're welcome."

    "Tonight I'll even turn off the computer."

    "I shaved my legs for this??!!"

    "Eat me."

  27. Taking the trash out is dead sexy.

  28. "Don't worry, it's not communicable"

    "I love you despite your poor choice of sports teams"

    "Lick This"

    "GO away or I shall taunt you a second time"

    "Tastes like Chicken"

    Ok I think that's all I have. :) This is fun. Can I enter more than once if I come up with new ones?

  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

  30. "If JT wanted to marry me - I would immediately divorce you. But I would let you keep the dog."

  31. "You liking this heart, proves you're a cheap date. Thanks!"

  32. Laurie2/22/2013

    "I like to think I have ruined you for other women"

  33. "Valentine's Day does not equal automatic Anal. Nice try."

  34. "I promise it's not poison, I was only joking about the life insurance money. Possibly."

  35. "I finally cleaned all the kids toys out of the tub. Wanna have shower sex?"

  36. Jenwall2/22/2013

    Throw me away, eat bacon

  37. Since the best jokes have a kernel of truth, this was actually said to me two days after my emergency c-section:

    "I want a paternity test"

    "you're better than semen and a turkey baster any day"

    "I don't think the kid looks like me"


  38. "Suck on this!"
    "Rain check?"
    "Kissing too this time"
    "I have a headache"
    "Be my beyotch"
    "Full of love"
    "Let's reschedule"

  39. Laters Baby!!!

  40. out of all my husbands...you are my #1 (if I happened to live the reverse of Sister Wives)

  41. "I love you more than roast beef"
    "Tomorrow night, I promise. Pinkie swear"
    "Did you see that the underwear fairy visited"

    Those probably make absolutely no sense unless you lived in my head or house, but they are funny around here.

    Did you see the latest issue of the Food Network magazine? It's the cheese edition.

  42. Krista J2/22/2013

    "I hate you less than I do everyone else."

  43. not creative enough to contribute to the candy heart contest but I stopped buying clementines because I would eat like 10 a day.

  44. "I'm 34, single, and have a cat. Come at me."
    "Who wants to regret me in the morning?"


  45. For scented conversation hearts: "Do you think I should put on more deodorant?"

    "You're stuck with me now."

    "Does this look infected?"

  46. Bethany2/22/2013

    I love you more than my iphone

    Happy belated valentines day Lauren Filing Jointly! :)

  47. I bow down to Nara, but also had an idea, of if there were different heart "themes" like "Anti-Valentine's Day Hearts for Divorcing Couples" with slogans such as "This is way less bitter than the current taste in your mouth" and "Take this heart - just like you took the house, the car, the kids, the dog ..." and "This heart is sweet. Unlike you. (Bitch)". I could go on all day, but is a bit weird as I am actually happily married. I do have a friend going through a nasty divorce though, and felt for her this Feb 14th, so we did a Girs Only Anti-Valentine party to counteract all the love and glitter. I guess that is my inspiration.

  48. "Stop! Baby time."


  49. YES! I've always thought that Sweethearts should come out with married person version of hearts. My suggestions:

    "Put your P in my V"
    "One way ticket to Poundtown"
    "Just the tip tonight"
    "Make me a sandwich"


  50. Anonymous2/22/2013

    I would hold in my farts for you

    We stick together like the pages in porn mags

    I look forward to waking up and meeting you tomorrow morning

  51. Michelle2/22/2013

    Nothing I came up with comes CLOSE to some of the hysterical things people have posted. I am sitting this contest out!

  52. Anonymous2/22/2013

    I tolerate you.

    totally stole that from somewhere- but I can't remember where I saw it.

  53. Get naked.

    I'll have sex with you just try not to wake me up.

    I'm starting without you since you finish without me.

    Let's make a baby. Wait! Where are you going?

    I didn't want to do that with my ex because he was so well endowed. But I'll give it a try with you, honey.


    It's Valentine's day. I am too cheap to buy you chocolate. Here.

  54. There are worse things I could do in life, but you're near the top of the list

    Yes yes you're gorgeous but I'd rather have a cupcake

    You're not only rude but you're stupid and short too, TRIFECTA

    I love you more than I love Life itself, but I'm more of a Monopoly girl

  55. "I found this in the junk drawer"

  56. "Valentines Day anal? Sure, let me get my strap-on."

  57. I guess.
    Only if you buy me dinner.
    I only have one cat...okay, I have two, no three.
    I don't like you that much.
    Maybe next year.
    You light my fire, but not in a good way.
    You're gonna need more beer.

    Okay, I'll quit now. This is too much fun.

  58. My husband said "Kalima!" then killed himself laughing. Well, maybe at least Ryan will vote for this one ...

  59. I know we're old...and this is crazy...c'mon honey...let's make a baby.

    (Are musical backgrounds an option?)

  60. "I like you more than most people! ...Most days."

  61. It's not contagious.

  62. Chasie2/23/2013

    "I tolerate your mother for you."
    "If you ever become bed ridden and incontinent, I'd hire someone to change your diaper."
    "I like you 100% of the time, half the time."
    "I made you a cheesecake, but then I ate it so I got you this heart instead."
    "I like you slightly more than I want to be single."
    "This candy leaves a bad taste in my mouth, like your seamen."
    "Let's get pregnant tonight."
    "My #1 turned out gay, but you'll do."

  63. "There's beer in the fridge."

  64. Please cover me up when you're done.

  65. Chasie2/23/2013

    You probably should have set a limit lower than a million entries because I may take you up on that. (I found you through The Bloggess a few months ago and have been reading since, but today is the first time I've commented. I usually just lurk. Hi!) All I've done today is try and come up with more. My original comment is about two above this one.
    "You're a strong three."
    "I'm going to put my iPhone away when we have sex tonight."
    "Let's have intercourse." or for the more vulgar "Let's fuck."
    This one I adapted from the bloggess "One of these is poison."
    This one is originally an ecard? "You're face. I like that shit."
    "I plucked my errant nipple hair for you."... Ha. Uh. That one isn't about me.... *shifty eyes*
    "When's dinner?"

  66. Anonymous2/24/2013

    "Call me

  67. "I've just had a shower"
    "I shaved"
    "The kids are in bed"

  68. Don't call me!

    Are you there yet?

    Where is my cheese?

    Are you sure?



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