I'm The Smart Pig, The One That Built Its House Out Of Bricks

Hey Blogstalkers!

Today I woke up and had a flash of inspiration.  So after some serious thought and planning, I sent Ryan this email.

Hello Ryan Darling,

I hope your day is going swimmingly.  This morning I had a sudden flash of brilliance and I want now to share it with you to see what you think.  You have asked me to keep my phone calls to you at work to a minimum so I thought today I would use electronic mail.  I am sending this with a "Read-Receipt" so I will know when you have opened it so you can not lie again and say that "it must have gotten spammed."

So you know how whenever we go out in the Winter (and sometimes the Spring and Fall) I complain about how very cold my nose is?  And we can never come up with a solution because you will not let me wear a ski mask any more?**  I've finally figured it out!

A NOSE MUFF.

I'm sure right now you're horrified that you did not think up this fabulous idea yourself, but no worries, we are married now and what is mine is yours.  (And also what is yours is mine, which is why your razor might be slightly dull and why there might not be any pistachios left in the bag of mixed nuts you purchased at the store recently.)

As your first response to all of my inventions thus far has been, "That will never work," I set out to ascertain that this idea would indeed work before I presented it to you.  How you ask?  Well, remember Halloween 2010?


So yes, I dug out our costume box and retrieved a pig nose.  I then donned the pig nose took a stroll around the neighborhood.  And guess what?  My nose stayed as snug as a bug in a rug, as toasty as a pig in a blanket.  Which means that any comments you make about the "viability of this mess of a plan" will now be firmly ignored.

So that I may settle any future investors' qualms about the thoroughness of my testing, I made a couple of necessary purchases this morning.  But don't worry Ryan, right now we own 100% of the equity in this company which means we get 100% of the returns and will have our money back in the flashiest of flashes.

Come Tuesday morning, upon the arrival of Frank, our UPS carrier, I will be the proud owner of:


A small mouse nose.  With fashion whiskers.

Because I know you so well, I know now you've got your head in your hands and are sighing about me just repurposing someone else's creation and not employing my own prototype so I want to assure you that this will not always be the case.  Because, let's face it, a nose muff on its own does look a bit ridiculous.  

So I've saved the best part of this idea for very last...

Combination nose and ear muffs.

I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.  OMGOMGOMGOMG I KNOW RIGHT!?

It'll be something sort of like the below, but obviously with more ear coverage and more fashion whiskers (for the style-istas.)



I know you always say that my email proposals are entirely too long and jumbled so I'm going to stop here to adhere to your "The succinter the better," policy about our correspondence.

Please do let me know what you think.

Love,

Lauren Rae Gallagher, Founder and CEO of Pig in a Blanket Industries

**I'm not allowed to wear ski masks any longer because one day I was complaining that my nose was really cold so Ryan found an old ski mask of his and jokingly suggested I wear it.  So I did.  And I felt like so much of a cat burglar in it that at some point I went to a bathroom and drew whiskers and a nose on my face under the mask.  And then we went to Target and I took it off and Ryan was all, "Are you kidding me!?" And I was all, "Meow."

What do you think of my Nose Muffs Blogstalkers?  Ingenious right?

UPDATE:  Just before posting this, I got a text from Ryan that said, "Looks like you've built another house of straw."  I'm ignoring it.  Texts are not the appropriate way to respond to serious business proposals.  All serious business people (of which I am one) know that.  RYAN.

67 comments:

  1. Anonymous2/07/2013

    You and Ryan should prolly have your own realty show :)

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    Replies
    1. Haha! That would be the most awkward thing ever. I'm so not funny in person!

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    2. Anonymous2/07/2013

      Reality. I can't type today.

      I bet it'd be funny! You guys could use your rap as a theme song!

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  2. I want in.

    Especially if they come in cute platypus varieties.

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    Replies
    1. They do, obviously.

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    2. Obviously.

      And can I get a turtle one too?

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  3. hahahhah I love it! I'd buy one!

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    1. I think we both know that EVERYONE would buy one.

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  4. Holy aged cheese, Batman! I love this idea. And with everyone wearing stocking hats that are made to look like animals, I have a feeling this idea is going big.

    Well done, Lauren!

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    Replies
    1. Haha thanks! I myself have a hat that looks like a penguin and also a hat that looks like a polar bear so I fully agree with your comment.

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  5. Shannon S.2/07/2013

    Are you seeking investors? Because I want in. Yesterday.

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    Replies
    1. As soon as I finish my prototype for my Transmogrifier (Time Traveling Machine) I shall let you in, yesterday.

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    2. Kristen2/07/2013

      I thought the Transmogrifier changed you into what you wanted to become. Is this an updated version?

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    3. Kristen you're entirely correct! I need to brush up on my Calvin and Hobbes trivia obviously.

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  6. I like it, one thing though, can you make the lining an absorbant wicking material in case you have a cold? Cause otherwise it'd just hold everything and that would be a nasty mess when you took it off. You're welcome for the visual.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. I shall make the necessary changes to my prototype.

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  7. I was just musing about how cold my nose was last night.... I'll be one of your first customers! And I would like to purchase a kitty one please!

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    1. I'll fill your order as soon as I can, Sorry! I'm a little back-ordered right now with all of the thousands of requests for Nose Muffs I've had recently. (haha.)

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  8. I want in. We'll make millions!!

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    Replies
    1. And then we can get a big room and turn all of our millions into gold coins and swim in them like Scrooge McDuck.

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  9. Ryan obviously doesn't know a money maker when he see's one.

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  10. Jenna Alexis2/07/2013

    I'll be an investor, except I want to be the investor that brings the cheese to the business meetings. And jalapeno poppers, because those are yummy.

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  11. Anonymous2/07/2013

    Brilliant!!!

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  12. Pfffft whatever. That's genius. Ryan will be hatin' when you're rich and the talk of the town.

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    Replies
    1. He's always hatin'

      Well, except when he's aggravatin' or irritatin'

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  13. I'd buy one too. I might not need it so much now that we're back in Louisiana, but I could definitely have used it when we were in Korea. Who knows where we're headed next so I'm willing to be proactive and pick up supplies in case I need them.

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    Replies
    1. You are an incredibly smart consumer, I can tell. You'll be excellent in my purchaser demographics.

      And Korea, that is really cool. I've not been anywhere!

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  14. I will be requiring a beak, so I can complete my transformation into a penguin. Send it to R&D, stat.

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    Replies
    1. I KNEW I'd hear from you about some sort of penguin nose sooner or later. Was positive about it actually.

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  15. Melody2/07/2013

    Kid sizes too please. And a cut-out for nostrils, because my nose runs when it's cold and I will need a tissue access point.

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  16. While your business plan sounds sound (see what I did there) and I would love to be an investor/customer since I too suffer from cold nose, I can't get past the brand name. Once while I was all snuggly rolled up burrito-style in my comforter, my then-boyfriend, now-fiance looked at me and said you look like one of those... ya know... things in a blanket. And I was like," A pig?! You're telling me I look like a pig?!" So yeah, sorry for the random comment but I started having flashbacks.

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  17. OMG genius!!! Would you consider adding scents? Cuz sometimes the plastic of the muffs or dirt from constant use might make it unpleasant. Might I suggest making the nose muff smell of coffee... and chocolate!!!!

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  18. Always entertaining, you are.

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  19. I think you are on to something! I actually had someone ask me to make them a child-size crochet cowl with an nose and whiskers once - so when they pulled it up over their nose, it would look cute. (I think it was for Halloween, but I'm not sure). She didn't like my price, so I never made one, but it wouldn't be too hard! :-) (And in case anyone wonders, a cowl is also known as an infinity scarf, or a scarf that is connected in one big loop).

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  20. Not embarrassed to admit that I have the mouse, the pig and a T-Rex nose. Okay, the last one is my actual nose but I like to name things.
    Don't forget to get different sizes without any of them being a 'Large'. No one wants to have a large nose. So I think 'itsy bitsy', 'cutie patootie', 'perfect' and 'absolutely perfect' should be the sizes.

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  21. I'm with wordsforworms in that I need a penguin-y nose cap.

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  22. Obviously this idea is a rocket waiting to take off!! I want in.

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  23. Where can I buy one? :) You should also make an un-insulated version for those of us just wanting to cover up a zit.

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  24. You are a genius...not only for the nose muff but for drawing whiskers on your face and going kitty cat at Target...well played! The secret to a long marriage is keeping them on their toes!

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  25. And I was all, "Meow." haha!

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  26. I just had another thought...you may or may not know that ESPN..stay with me as I mentioned ESPN...has this thing they like to call an Instant Classic...a sports game so good that it immediately qualifies as a Classic example of a bad ass game. I think this post qualifies as an Instant Classic...it's so Bad Assly (I am making this a word) Funny!!!! Let's make that a category!

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  27. I would wear one to bed. I often wake up with a freezing cold nose when there rest of me is toasty warm. I'm in!

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  28. I took a knitting class a few years ago (I KNOW. It didn't last long. I found that knitting makes me sleepy and kept falling asleep) and there was a guy in the class who was knitting a nose warmer for his wife. It looked like this: http://i1.squidoocdn.com/resize/squidoo_images/590/draft_lens17760724module148998932photo_1300564972nose_warmer.jpg

    I thought it was the most ridiculous thing ever. Obviously it needed your idea of making an actual snout as the design!

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  29. Jennifer W2/07/2013

    I once knitted myself a nose warmer (in part to bug my husband who is not a cold nose sufferer and does not believe in my cold nose suffering). The problem was that it looked a bit like a very very small g-string. That just made him laugh and continue to not take my cold nose seriously. SO I nuzzle my cold nose between his warm shoulder blades just as he is falling asleep. I would purchase your nose warmer, in fact I would purchase the entire line!

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  30. Pretty much the greatest invention ever. I sure could have used this when we were in Yosemite right before Christmas.

    PS, my hubby reacts the same way to all my wonderful ideas too. I'm sure we'd be multitriillionaires by now with all my great ideas....

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  31. My nose gets cold when I drink too much caffeine. Hypothetically, we could market these in Starbucks. I think my idea for this should help buy my investment. :)

    (It also tingles with too much caffeine. When I was in college, I could always tell when it was time to back away from the No-Doz.)

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  32. Haha! He complains about limiting your calls to him at work and then texts you back? Have fun on your new 'business venture'...lol

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  33. You could also make one that looks like that contraption on Bane's (Batman villain) face. Just line it with something warm, and BAM, the men are in. I bet Ryan will rethink his cynicism now.

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  34. Awww man, I have reached the end, or beginning, of the blog. I read through all the archives. Thank you for all the laughs, you are a great blogger! My nose is rarely cold and I have too much hair for my head to get cold, but my fingers are often cold. Could you make some animal nose gloves?? The fingertips could be the noses, which would be adorable!!

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  35. pure awesomeness!

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  36. You are so funny, Lauren! Just your outlook and curious nature keep me in stitches! Thanks for all the awesomeness!

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  37. Crittle2/07/2013

    That is a much better idea than the crochet beard/hat combination things I've seen. I already have a hat, ear muffs, and a scarf, which already "covers" the same areas. What I don't have is something to keep my nose from feeling like an ice cube!

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  38. Can we make one with a sloth nose? And matching clawed gloves? Because that would be perfect for warmth and to scare off potential thiefs, rapists, and murderers. Let me know your thoughts on this, future business partner.

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  39. Oh my gosh! Hilarious! My nose is ALWAYS cold but my kind and brilliant-idea loving husband will rub it for me and has suggested a nose muff in the past. Take that Ryan. You really ought to be more supportive of Lauren and her cold nose.

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  40. This is a brilliant idea and I think you should pursue this business opportunity. I have numerous knit hats with animal faces and ears on them...there's no reason that nose portion shouldn't just be pulled down some!!

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  41. Ryan just doesn't know how good of an idea this is. I have the warmest hat in the world, but my nose is always cold.

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  42. Okay I need to see another design but I'd love one. I hate when my nose gets cold when I'm walking but don't really like scarves.

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  43. Anonymous2/08/2013

    Ryan needs to step out of the box a little! Tell him it will feel good. Maybe you can include little tiny horses with orders as well!

    I am only posting as anonymous because I don't fit any other category at this time. My name is Corissa and I find your blog charming!

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  44. Michelle2/08/2013

    I think there should be a whole like of these. Kitten, bear... as many as you can come up with! The more the better! People like choices!

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  45. And here I thought I was the only one who e-mailed my husband using the word "swimmingly." He had to look up the usage to make sure I wasn't making up that you could use it to describe ones day.

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  46. Lauren, you are a delight. I've been sick and miserable all week and this post just had me laughing so hard I had to grab my inhaler. Thanks for being awesome!

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  47. Paige Hudson Garcia2/09/2013

    Favorite.post.EVER (because of my piggie love).
    <3

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  48. Ladybug Runner2/10/2013

    Hi! I think your idea is fantastic. I would wear it on the bus on my way to work in the winter. Also, have you seen this sandwich? http://boingboing.net/2013/02/08/all-cheese-grilled-cheese-samm.html Yes. It made me think of you! Warm regards!

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