Today I woke up and had a flash of inspiration. So after some serious thought and planning, I sent Ryan this email.
Hello Ryan Darling,
I hope your day is going swimmingly. This morning I had a sudden flash of brilliance and I want now to share it with you to see what you think. You have asked me to keep my phone calls to you at work to a minimum so I thought today I would use electronic mail. I am sending this with a "Read-Receipt" so I will know when you have opened it so you can not lie again and say that "it must have gotten spammed."
So you know how whenever we go out in the Winter (and sometimes the Spring and Fall) I complain about how very cold my nose is? And we can never come up with a solution because you will not let me wear a ski mask any more?** I've finally figured it out!
A NOSE MUFF.
I'm sure right now you're horrified that you did not think up this fabulous idea yourself, but no worries, we are married now and what is mine is yours. (And also what is yours is mine, which is why your razor might be slightly dull and why there might not be any pistachios left in the bag of mixed nuts you purchased at the store recently.)
As your first response to all of my inventions thus far has been, "That will never work," I set out to ascertain that this idea would indeed work before I presented it to you. How you ask? Well, remember Halloween 2010?
So yes, I dug out our costume box and retrieved a pig nose. I then donned the pig nose took a stroll around the neighborhood. And guess what? My nose stayed as snug as a bug in a rug, as toasty as a pig in a blanket. Which means that any comments you make about the "viability of this mess of a plan" will now be firmly ignored.
So that I may settle any future investors' qualms about the thoroughness of my testing, I made a couple of necessary purchases this morning. But don't worry Ryan, right now we own 100% of the equity in this company which means we get 100% of the returns and will have our money back in the flashiest of flashes.
Come Tuesday morning, upon the arrival of Frank, our UPS carrier, I will be the proud owner of:
I know you always say that my email proposals are entirely too long and jumbled so I'm going to stop here to adhere to your "The succinter the better," policy about our correspondence.
Please do let me know what you think.
Lauren Rae Gallagher, Founder and CEO of Pig in a Blanket Industries
**I'm not allowed to wear ski masks any longer because one day I was complaining that my nose was really cold so Ryan found an old ski mask of his and jokingly suggested I wear it. So I did. And I felt like so much of a cat burglar in it that at some point I went to a bathroom and drew whiskers and a nose on my face under the mask. And then we went to Target and I took it off and Ryan was all, "Are you kidding me!?" And I was all, "Meow."
What do you think of my Nose Muffs Blogstalkers? Ingenious right?
UPDATE: Just before posting this, I got a text from Ryan that said, "Looks like you've built another house of straw." I'm ignoring it. Texts are not the appropriate way to respond to serious business proposals. All serious business people (of which I am one) know that. RYAN.