I Am So Angry At Past-Lauren Right Now. Who Did That Girl Think She Was?

Hello my lovely Blogstalkers!

This afternoon I got an interesting call from my Dad, who was very confused about something that had come in the mail.  It was addressed to me but as that happens randomly from time to time and it is usually junk mail, as per usual he had opened it so he could let me know if it was anything important.  Let me first give you some background...

When I was in eighth grade one of my teachers had us do something that I think many of you have also probably done, write a letter to our future selves.  This teacher in particular had been doing this for years and years and she actually had us all write the letters as homework and then seal them in an envelopes, write our addresses on them and stamp them.  Then hand them in to her to be sent to us in fifteen years.

Every one of my fool classmates actually did just that.  But as I could do math and realized that at the age of 29 I hopefully would not still be living at my parents' home and thus would not be there to get the letter and that my mom or dad might open it to let me know what it was and then read my letter, I did something a little different.

I absolutely did write myself a letter, both because the idea of not completing a homework assignment horrified me and because I actually thought it was a pretty cool concept.  But instead of handing that letter in, I sealed it in an envelope and put it in my "Memory Box" at home with the instructions "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2013" printed on the front.  The letter I turned in, which my dad received today, apparently read like this:

Dear Future Lauren's Parents,

You probably thought you were going to open this and find a juicy letter detailing all of your once-14-year-old-daughter's romances.  Well too bad for you.  I have tricked you again.  How does it feel to be tricked by a fourteen year old when you are as old as the hills?

I will answer that question for you: not good.  Ha ha ha!  (My dad says the "Ha ha ha!" was huge and took up half a page.)

Love,

Lauren "smarter than a fox and with nicer hair than a fox" Marthaler

My dad read me that letter over the phone and was like, "What on earth does that all mean Lauren?"  And so I told him the story I have just told you.  Which was a giant mistake because his response was, "By Memory Box do you mean that old Adidas shoebox that is almost certainly somewhere in our basement as we speak?"

I tried to say "No, not that box at all, a totally different box," but my voice was shaking and so my dad was all, "Alright well I have to go right now, my lunch hour is over and I have to be getting back to work."  Which I wish I could believe but knowing my dad I knew instantly that he was going to head down to the basement and search furiously for the real letter and then call me and read it in an adolescent girl's voice over the phone while laughing hysterically and saying things like, "Now who's tricked whom LAUREN?" and "You thought you were SO smart.  Smarter than a fox even.  And with nicer hair."

So I tried my last ditch attempt and shouted, "That box is FULL of my old teeth and the skeletons of my two crayfish!" (Because skeletons and teeth are things my dad does not like.) But to no avail.  My dad just laughed and hung up.  And so now I sit here on my couch and wait for the inevitable.  I considered jumping in the car and driving the forty minutes to my parents' house to try to find the letter first but then realized there is no way I could have kept it out of my dad's sticky hands anyhow since he is much bigger and stronger than me. (Not with nicer hair though.)

The joke is still totally on him though.  Because that box IS full of my old teeth and the skeletons of my two crayfish (Kristy and Jumpy) (What can I say, I was an odd child.) (Also, and this is disgusting, I am pretty sure there is an old big toenail in that box too that I saved and named Long Bear and used to torture my sister Jordan with whom I shared a room.)  Still though, CRAP.

YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE RIGHT NOW PAST-LAUREN!



Tell me something embarrassing about you so I don't feel so dumb?

36 comments:

  1. I once answered the home phone like a super-idiot while I was home because I was skipping school.

    Guess who was calling? Yea, it was my mom.

    BUSTED.

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    1. I should mention I was like 16 or 17.

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    2. Ugh getting caught ditching is the worst! I say that like it happened to me all the time but really it just happened once.

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  2. My mom never uses public restrooms. Never. But when I was in junior high, she had to go. This is long before Super Center Wal-marts. So she goes into the ladies' room which is tiny and has a cruddy wooden door. My dad and I are waiting for her when he says, "Hey, you know what would be funny? Go knock on that door and in a deep voice yell, 'Hurry up in there!'"

    So I did it. Because it sounded hilarious! I rapped really hard on the door, twisted the knob, yelled and quickly moved away. Where I ran into my mom and started laughing uncontrollably. She wanted to know what was so funny. Then my dad saw us and needless to say we didn't linger at the back of Wal-mart.

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    1. Haha that's great! Whoever was in that bathroom was probably totally freaked out!

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  3. I'm super skeeved out by toe and/or finger nails (once they're removed) and Jim torments me with his ALL. THE. TIME. (I got one of those letters to myself once. It contained nothing of interest, except a passive aggressive rant about my Freshman roommate in college...)

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    1. I'm seriously so grossed out by myself saving that toenail. Honestly nasty. I think I wrote another one of those letters in high school and hit it in my sock drawer but eventually go impatient and opened it like six months later when I was probably like 'I still agree with all of this." Which is totally not the point.

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  4. i have no innocuous stories. all of my embarrassing stories contain things i don't want on the internet :-) i'm a big chicken i guess.

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    1. I know it doesn't seem like it but I swear I have "don't share with the internet" stories as well.

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    2. i'm glad you share as much as you do! your blog entries are often the highlight of my day!

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  5. I don't remember how old I was - young enough to be SO EXCITED about getting a doll for Christmas. I searched the house before Christmas and found her hidden in my parent's closet and went so far as to open the box and take her out. That's how I knew that the receipt for the doll was tucked under the top flap of the box. On Christmas morning, I ripped off the wrapping paper and without missing a beat, I opened the box, handed the receipt to my mom and said "Here's the receipt.", which I then realized totally told them that I had snooped and found the doll earlier. In my defense, who hides Christmas presents in a closet, low enough for a child to find them? Needless to say, they started finding better hiding places after that.

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    1. Haha! I once convinced my siblings that my mom had said it was OK for each of them to open one of their gifts (from my grandmother) the day before Christmas. So they all did and then got in trouble. Until they told the whole story and then I got in trouble instead.

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    2. I have a similar story that ended with an unhappy Gillian. I had asked for a ghetto blaster for Christmas and, while innocently going through my parents' closet, found an amazing double cassette player - just what I asked for! So I practiced acting all surprised, and was ready on Christmas morning. It turned out that I didn't need to practice. When I opened my present - which seemed a fair bit smaller than I remembered - I beheld a single-cassette, one-speaker version of the amazing player. It turned out that my Dad bought the amazing one for my Mom.
      I never again tried to find my Christmas presents.

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  6. When I was a sophomore in HS (I was almost 16), I was leaving school from winter exams and mom was picking me up out front. It had just started to snow and sleet, which is a BIG deal here in Mississippi. As I stepped off the curb (in front of the school), I slipped on a patch of ice and fell flat on my back. Just as a group of the most popular senior guys walked out. It was awful. I cried the whole way home.

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    1. Ahh! I hate falling in front of people. But you know, now that Jennifer Lawrence fell at the Oscars last night, falling is cool. You and I have just been ahead of the cool curve for years.

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  7. One time when I was like 12, we got our phone bill and there was a call to some foreign land on it, you know like Canada or Bermuda or something, and mom was trying to blame it on me. Being the only child, this happened a lot, I knew I had not call Canada or Bermuda, so I told my mom it must have been one of the neighbors because we all had cordless phones and somehow THEIR long distance call ended up on our phone. I then proceeded to call said neighbors and ask them if they had call Bermuda on their cordless phones. To this day our neighbor teases me about the time I called and asked him if he called Canada. It's not to bad, but still makes me cringe.

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    1. Was the mystery ever solved? Who DID call Canada?

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    2. No, sadly it was not discovered who was calling foreign lands from our cordless phone!

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    3. This does not relate to the topic but does relate to the comment. When I was in medical school, I had two roommates. The bills were in my name and the two of them would pay me their share every month. One month I opened the phone bill and practically had a heart attack. It was about $500, most of which were long distance calls to the Dutch Antilles or something like that. I of course called the phone company and yelled and screamed about how they had screwed up my bill and I was not paying it. The woman I was talking to asked if it was possible that someone else in the household could have made the calls. I said no no no no no and then I thought, how well do I really know the third roommate ( he was a friend of the other roommate so I knew her well but I really only knew him casually)? Long story slightly shorter, I asked him and it turned out it was a gay party line/chat room type thing. There were more details, I'm sure, but I chose not to ask too many questions. He paid me back over time, and we got the phone company to make it where you could only call long distance if you first dialed a special code, and we just didn't tell him what the code was.

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    4. oh that is to funny!!

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  8. Laurie2/25/2013

    When I was in high school I had a major crush on the high school football star, he was super popular and dreamy. (at least he was to high school me). Anyway, we had a lot of classes together but I was too shy to talk to him. I arrived late at school one morning after an orthodontist appointment and everyone was already in class so the halls were empty. Whom should I see walking down the hallway right towards me? The football stud. I had the length of the hallway to work up my courage to say "Hi Mike".....so as we approached each other I said "Hi Miiiii aaaaagggh!" Because right as I was saying hi I tripped and fell over nothing....seriously I pretty much tripped on air. I had the fortitude to try and break my fall by grabbing the lock on a locker but I must have had a lot of momentum going because I yanked the entire locker door off in my hand and everything fell out and landed on me. He was actually very nice and helped me up but I still never said hi. A few years later I ran into him at the bar where I was working during college and we had a good laugh about it. He told me "I thought you were so hot but I was terrified to talk to you!" Ha ha! Although he is not the boy I married I was happy to find out he wasn't a total douche.

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    1. Seriously WHY is it that one only falls at the worst possible moment. Does anyone ever just fall when they are home alone and only the dogs to amuse? No. Never. It's always in front of the popular guy.

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  9. Well there was the time I came into the house and the sliding glass door had been open all night. 5 minutes later I turned around to go back outside (and all the lights were off) and to the surprise of my now smashed face, the door was closed. The crash was loud and there was no way to play it off.

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  10. My teenage crush was the son of my parents' friends so they came over a lot. And one day he came into my room with my brother and immediately slipped on something on the floor. It was my itty bitty training bra. Which he then picked up and and flung around while laughing hysterically. It was awful. Also the time my brother told said crush that I had started my first period on my crush's birthday. Thanks, bro!

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  11. Lol, we've never had to do that so I have no fear of weird letters written in my childhood coming to bite me in the butt.

    No weird stories though. Unless you count a drawer full of old birds nests and wasp nests. There were no birds or wasps in them though. Promise.

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  12. I had to do the same assignment, but I was surly and trendily jaded, so I was all, "psh, whatever, my future self is going to be *so beyond* this stupid advice crap" so instead I sulked and filled the letter with a list of books I planned to read the summer after my senior year of high school. Imagine my chagrin upon opening the letter 10 years later and realizing that high-school me had horrible taste in "deep, meaningful" literature.

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  13. Megan M.2/25/2013

    Oh gosh, there are so many, especially ones that I willingly did to myself and only had the sense to be embarrassed about later, like writing notes to boys who had no idea who I was. *cringe*

    But one time I was at the mall food court (I spent a lot of time at the mall when I had a big break between college classes) and I sat at a table for quite a while reading a magazine. I didn't realize my leg had fallen asleep until I got up to throw my garbage away. I took a step and my leg just crumpled underneath me... I managaed to catch myself on the garbage bin, but everyone seated near me stared at me like I was some kind of drunk. I had to stand there until the feeling returned to my leg!

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  14. I once farted, loudly, while the most popular girl in my 4th grade class was doing her show-and-tell presentation. ;)

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  15. Sue Hunt2/25/2013

    I used to work in a four story office building, with a really slow elevator. We all used the stairs a lot, because it was a lot quicker. One day I was headed down the stairs too fast. My feet went out from under me, I landed on my ass and bumped my way down a bunch of stairs, and my skirt ended up around my ears. Just as a guy I loathed was coming up the stairs. The good news is that I can no longer remember his name or even what he looked like, so with any luck the same is true for him. I'm also (still) really proud that I Did Not Cry - a remarkable feat given how MUCH my tailbone hurt.

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  16. First off, you have to continue this post and let us know if your dad found it. Secondly, you are so freakin funny. You were so clever as to know this would happen (I certainly wouldn't have thought of it) but then you go and blow it by telling your dad about the memory box. I love it!

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  17. Awww, well I'm sure his impression of how he remembers your voice will be sweet at least. Oh I'm glad I never had to do that. It would have gone to my dad's house too and he was very nosy. He would have laughed at me and told me to make him a pie or else he'd get his other daughter to do it. He had no other daughters but he thought that was a funny joke.

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  18. I definitely had to write one of these letters as well, but I can't remember how old I was. The thing is, my parents moved a few years ago. And mail only gets forwarded by the post office for a year.... so who knows what strangers are going to get my letter. Eesh.

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  19. Elaina2/26/2013

    My parents and I were just talking about this over dinner...so I apparently got a barbie or something as a reward for potty training. At that time I didn't know the difference between blonde and brown hair, to me they were white and black. I wanted one with blonde hair like me so I made it hugely obvious that I wanted a "white" doll, not a "black" doll. When they tried to acknowledge my request and quiet me, I proceeded to have a full blown meltdown screaming "I want the white girl I only like the white ones! I don't want the black girl! I hate the black ones!"

    So it was super embarassing for all involved, but thank goodness one of us was too young to remember! I did grow up and learn hair color classification, no worries.

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  20. Bobbi Craig2/28/2013

    I was somewhere around 12-14 years old. I had a group of ladies over to my place for a slumber party. At the time I lived on a 200 acre farm that hosted several ponds. We had the brilliant idea to go skinny dipping during the day, because really, why not? We shed our clothes and went into the warm brown water and our feet began to sink in the mud at the bottom... The further we went the more we sank, in places we would sink to our calves. It felt like thick whipped cream. My younger male cousin shows up, steals our clothes. Of course. Because that's what happens with farm skinny dipping stories. We continued to swim and joke and goof around until we were ready to make the run (1/4 of a mile down the farm drive) to the house. When we stepped out we each realized the heavy whipping cream stye mud was GREEN... COW POOP GREEN... Did I fail to mention that we had a lot of cattle on my farm? So we ran butt naked to my house covered in cow feces to hose off. My entire family still teases us to this day for dipping in the "cow pond".

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  21. Meghan G.3/05/2013

    So I work in a building with a bunch of good-looking lawyers and one day was in a rush to get to work so I threw on a pair of pants I had worn a couple of days earlier. As I was leaving out the front door to go check the mail, a group of them followed me out down the stairs. I heard them start chuckling, but didn't think anything of it. Until I walked back and there was something hot pink on the stairs. As I got closer, I noticed it looked like a thong and as I got really close I noticed it looked exactly like my hot pink zebra thong. It had slid out of my pants leg right in front of those guys!

    So I scooped it up and vowed to check my pants thoroughly before re-wearing them. :)At least they weren't granny panties!

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  22. I'm mad at Past Robyn as well. Mainly because she has adopted this attitude of, "You know who's problem this is? Future Robyn's." Thanks Past Robyn, for leaving me with ALL the responsibilities!

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