The Things I've Done For A Dollar....

Hey Blogstalkers!

Sorry for not posting Friday.  I actually ended up at the dentist again in the morning since I figured as long as I have to get the crowns on my two front teeth replaced I might as well get all of my teeth whitened as well so I can match the new permanent crowns to a hue that is more white than yellow.  Unfortunately I have really sensitive teeth so the end of the whitening itself was pretty painful and then for the rest of the day I had little zappy pains radiating all over my mouth so I didn't do anything but lay on the couch and count the hours until I could take more Ibuprofen.  Yes I am a HUGE baby when it comes to pain.

Today I'm going to finish up the 29 Things About Me list but first the winner of the Birthday Giveaway is: Sierra Rios.  So if you're Sierra, just shoot me an email to LaurenRaeGallagher@gmail.com and I'll tell you how to claim your prize!  Thanks so much to everyone who entered/shared/tweeted I was blown away by the number of comments I got.  Seriously blown away.  You people are awesome.

Ok.  Moving on.  Continuing with #16.

16.  I feel sick 30 minutes after almost every single meal.  I know I'm sensitive to dairy and shouldn't be eating it, but that is probably not going to happen.  I'm afraid to get more extensive food allergy testing done because OMG what if I am allergic to pasta and dill pickles and pez?  Pez has gotten me through many a tough moment.  Mostly because the last time I was having a mental breakdown, I put my drugs in an Animal (the muppet) pez dispenser and carried it around with me at all times.

Here is a picture of my desk right now:


17.  Yes that is a tiny T-Rex on my desk.  If I were ever to be a dinosaur I think I would definitely pick the T-Rex.  And you might say "But Lauren!  You couldn't possibly be a T-Rex, your arms are much too long!"  And to that I will respond, that is exactly why I would be the baddest ass T-Rex in the era.  Because I would lure my prey to me by being all "Woe is me with my tiny stump arms!" and then when they got close enough I would be like JUST KIDDING and shoot out my unnaturally long arms and snatch delicious snacks into my mouth.  Then since I would have to spend much less time hunting than other T-Rexes I could spend my time doing more important things, like admiring my tail and seeing how big of a tree I could knock down with my tail.  I've also thought about what kind of dinosaur Ryan would be and have decided probably a Pachycephalosaurus.  For a couple of reasons.  One, the name translates to thick-headed lizard" and that seems fitting and two, there is a striking resemblance.



18. If I ever won the lottery I would want to buy home with a LOT of land and then fill that land with scads of children and hordes of rescue dogs.  And my life would be nothing but bedtime stories and runny noses and slobber and stepping on legos and googling "my bulldog swallowed a diaper," and I would be insanely happy.  And covered in applesauce probably.

19.  I struggle a lot with self-confidence.  I have really thin skin.  For example, I lost one follower last week and it made me really sad and I read and reread my last entry to try to figure out what could have offended someone.  I realize this is not an attractive attribute.  I'm working on it.

20. This never fails to make me laugh: If Mary Tyler Moore married and divorced Steven Tyler then married and divorced Michael Moore then had a weird lesbian threesome thing going with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would her name be Mary Tyler Moore Tyler Moore Moore Moore?  (From Happy Endings)

21. In first grade during indoor recess (if it was raining or cold) checkers was really popular and there was always a "I play the winner" line.  No one played chess because no one knew how.  One day I decided I did know how and made up elaborate rules for the game and taught them to a group of classmates.  We then played "chess" at every indoor recess for the rest of the year and in the years following.  At some point I forgot that the rules I was using were not the real rules.  Ryan played chess sometimes with one of his friends in high school.  When we started dating he asked me if I knew how to play and I was like "Oh yeah, I'm hard to beat," so he challenged me to a game.  He laughed at me for a week when for my second move I hit one of his pawns with mine and said "Turtle."  I remembered pretty quickly after that that I did not in fact know how to play chess.  I've since learned.  I'm terrible at it.  I miss my rules.

22. I'm ALWAYS cold.  I think this is why I really like doing laundry.  Every time I take hot clothes out of the dryer I throw them on my bed and then lay on them until they're cold.  It's one of the only times I feel entirely warm all the way through.  

23. I can't chew gum really.  I think it's because I get lost in my own head quite a lot and then forget I'm supposed to be chewing and then choke.  Every single time I try to chew gum.  

24. Last night I was brushing my teeth (with a toothbrush I've had for about 1.5 months) and all of a sudden it started vibrating and I screamed and threw it out of the bathroom because my first thought was that it was about to explode.  I realize this makes no sense.  I also now realize that my toothbrush has a button on the handle that makes it vibrate for a better clean.  Ryan and I are in a small fight because of how when I threw the "exploding toothbrush" out of the bathroom it landed on the bed right next to him.  It seems my "husband-preservation" instincts are terrible.

25. I can not walk a straight line.  I veer to the left.  Ryan always makes sure that (if the street is on the left) he places himself between me and the street.  People think this is because he is a gentleman.  But really he just got tired of grabbing my arm and yanking me back onto the sidewalk when I would be caught up in talking and not concentrating on walking and end up in the street.  Now I just bump into Ryan a lot.

26. If there was some sort of apocalypse and I survived (even though Ryan insists I would never) the very first thing I would do is run to the nearest library/bookstore that was not destroyed and collect as many books as I could.  I would brave zombies/ghosts/rabid rabbits to do this.  I'm terrified of having nothing new to read.

27. If I'm using the idea of "Name of Your First Pet" and "First Street You Lived On" to come up with my porn name then it is Shady Olive.  I like it.  UPDATE: My mom just reminded me that I was also born to a household that had two cats named Meshach and Trapper.  So I guess it could also be Meshach Olive or Trapper Olive.  UPDATE 2: Ryan says I have to use the street I grew up on and not the first street I lived on so that would change my list to Shady Fresno, Meshach Fresno or Trapper Fresno.  I really can't go wrong.  I should go into porn.  In other news Ryan's porn name according to his rules is Velvet Carpenter and that is cracking me up right now.  (Velvet was his sister's fish.)

28. There is a chocolate factory in Chicago that, if you live downwind of it, means that the air literally smells of chocolate.  I live downwind of this factory.  I wake up many mornings to the smell of chocolate chip cookies.  It's especially strong on wet/humid days.  It's a blessing and a curse.

29. When I was younger my mom would offer to pay me a dollar to do random things: finding her glasses, walking to the store for milk, getting the crutches out of the front closet and doing a stupid dance with them, eating a cicada (see picture), letting her pinch a clothespin on my earlobe to see if it hurt, you know normal things.  I always said yes.  By the time I was 10 I had 80 singles stored in a dominoes box in my closet.  Sometimes I ironed them to get the wrinkles out.  I also kept track of every dollar I earned in a blank checkbook register my mom gave me.  I included descriptions like "did ridiculous curtsy after playing at piano recital."  Everyone thought I was a exceptionally weird kid but really I was just money hungry.  Also, it sort of makes sense to me now that I became an accountant.

In her defense, they were selling them fried at our local fair.

That's certainly enough about me! Tell me something about you? Ever eaten anything weird?  What kind of dinosaur would you be? What never fails to make you laugh?





105 comments:

  1. this blog. this blog never fails to make me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha thanks Shannon!

      Delete
    2. that was my first thought too...I snorted all the way through this one, thanks Lauren :)
      You are probably helping me clear my sinuses with your blog, so there's a good deed. Ryan now needs to buy you rubies for helping a stranger through your craft.

      Delete
  2. I feel for you! I just learned this year I am actually allergic to dairy. Cheese was its own food group in my world. I am also allergic to gluten so bye bye pasta and pizza. I did find some good gluten free pasta, but nothing, I mean NOTHING can substitute for cheese. Too bad you don't live by me...I need a long armed friend. I have tiny little TRex arms that barely can reach anything around my chest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so scared to get tested! Ahh! I have a terrible feeling that gluten would end up on my verboten list. And then I would be miserable. What else is there even to eat beside cheese and wheat?

      Delete
    2. Some people say that fruit and vegetables are good....so I hear. :)

      Delete
  3. We used to give my college roommate a dollar to do stupid things when she'd had too much to drink... Like make out with a weird guy. That probably makes us pimps. I think I'd be a triceratops for no reason other than we painted a giant one when I was in 2nd grade and I insisted on giving it pink and purple toenails.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I painted a giant T-Rex in kindergarten! It's name was Batman because we had to vote on the name and there were more boys in the class than girls.

      Delete
    2. But really, we weren't pimps, because we never actually gave her the dollar...We just promised it to her...

      Delete
    3. I like to think that if someone had offered me a dollar to kiss some random in college I would have turned it down...but I kiss Ryan for free so who knows...

      Delete
    4. You should consider charging Ryan for kisses...You might make a few dollars...

      Delete
  4. 25. Number 25. YES. There was a time when I thought my husband romantical and all that because he often just grabs my hand when we're walking places. He had to ruin it one day and tell me he got tired of my weaving instead of walking. I thought he was talking baskets, and I was all "Dude, do you see any baskets here?" and he was all "You're on the left side and then you're on the right and I'm trying to not run you over so I just grab your hand and you stay next to me. Problem solved."

    But the outside world just thinks he's all romantic so I just leave it be.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha I totally get it!

      Also, "Dude, do you see any baskets here?" made me giggle.

      Delete
  5. Melody1/14/2013

    #19 - maybe that follower died. It's not all about you, LAUREN.

    Ha ha. Just kidding. It's totally all about you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know I'm such a baby! I let the stupidest things bother me!

      Delete
    2. No no! I get it. I can't get rid of some of my real life "friends" because they refuse to unfriend me. However, if I lose someone I haven't actually spoken to for the last 10 years, I'm all worried about what I may have done to make them think ill of me.

      Delete
    3. Yep, exactly. I'm a neurotic mess when it comes to blog followers/FB subscribers etc. I really need to work on it!

      Delete
  6. My porn name would be Sandy Montague, which in porn land would probably justify lots of beach 'action' scenes.
    Weird thing I used to do is talk in my sleep but not just saying anything. I used to call entire horse races as in having entire names for all 8 horses and then I was told I would do at least 3 races in a row.
    Things that never fail to make me laugh is 'Duckie' from the Land Before Time.
    Yes, I realize I'm an adult, says so right on the license but my brain keeps forgetting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I LOVE that horse race story. Like I want to buy that story from you a la Kramer/Peterman on Seinfeld. And Duckie is just plain awesome.

      Delete
  7. I think I would be a pterodactylus. I don't know why. I just like the way it sounds.
    I'm not feeling very laughy these days but generally Grumpy Cat never fails to make me smile.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah I love me some Grumpy Cat. Hope you're feeling all sorts of laughy again soon!

      Delete
  8. For the gluten free folks check out What's Cooking Chicago--she has a lot of great gluten free recipes.

    As for your final list, you are funny and now I'm sad my parents never paid me for any of those weird things they requested of me. Then again I wouldn't have been able to keep 80 singles because I needed things like sour pickles and penny candy and toys that my brother would want and break.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha yeah I was a serious cheapskate of a child. I wouldn't spend that money on ANYTHING. Eventually my parents opened me a bank account and introduced me to the wonder that is earning interest.

      Delete
    2. The accounts my dad opened for us when we were little are still open and still drawing interest. We finally stopped taking out money the minute it earned interest too lol.

      Delete
  9. Liz T.1/14/2013

    I too am terrified of not having something to read. I almost always have my kindle with me plus another real book. I also have a book in my car that I've already read (so it's easy to start up again whenever I need to) that I call my emergency car book.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm determined to stick to real life physical books for now so I don't have a Kindle but I always have two books in my purse and usually my iPad, which I suppose I could download eBooks onto in a time of emergency. I'm so glad someone else understands my stupid fear!

      Delete
    2. I love my emergency car book. Currently it's Pride and Prejudice. Best thing ever when I've got sleeping kids in the car and am forced to sit somewhere shady until they wake up :)

      I used to have a book in my purse all the time but babies = NO TIME TO READ. Now I tend to play a game of Words with Friends instead as I can sneak it in quick before I have kids clamouring to play fruit ninja as soon as they see the phone.

      Delete
  10. How is the Smitten book? I love her!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honest Review: I seriously love it and it's very very true to her blog. She tells a story about seriously every single recipes. I got it for Christmas and have used it a bunch of times already. The only thing I would say is that I wish there was more meat-inclusive recipes, though honestly that's my problem since I know her blog is low on meat too. I very much recommend the book. (It's like ALL new stuff too which is cool.)

      Delete
    2. Love, love, LOVE the Smitten Kitchen Cookbook.

      Delete
  11. I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets sick in a short period of time after they eat. Sometimes I think it's when I have junk food or stuff that's really greasy, but it's been happening more and more and I'm scared to talk to the doctor because I'm afraid of what it might be. So I try to pretend like it doesn't happen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, right there with you. I pretend it isn't happening. Or I say "Huh, must've been the chicken," and then Ryan is all "Lauren, not every piece of chicken you eat is rancid."

      Delete
  12. Jennifer W1/14/2013

    Ultrasaurus, mostly because when my 3 year old says Ultrasaurus it is the cutest thing you ever heard. Way cuter than how she says Mommy.
    I loved the days of stepping out of our building downtown and having it be a chocolate day. That factory always made my mornings happier. It also put money in the pockets of the closest coffee shop because I needed a mocha RIGHT NOW.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right!? Ryan loves chocolate days because it means I'll bake and he'll come home to counters covered in cookies and brownies.

      And now I'm desperate to hear a small child say Ultrasaurus. I remember when my brother was 3 and said the most adorable things...he was ALWAYS finding Cappertillars in the yard.

      Delete
    2. Jennifer W1/14/2013

      I attempted to share the video of my daughter and her dinosaur antics to your facebook page for your viewing pleasure!

      Delete
    3. Ahhh I can't find it! (Could easily be me, am very dumb at computers.)

      Delete
    4. Jennifer W1/14/2013

      I tired to only share with you, never done that before so it was probably me! Tagged you this time, maybe it will catch you!

      Delete
    5. Saw it! So cute!

      Delete
  13. #18 is pretty much my dream. But it would be an Irish Wolfhound instead of a bulldog because my husband really wants to rescue the ridiculously big dogs (we already have a half great dane). And I would be a Pterodactyl because I just like that I know how to spell that and the screeching noises because I may be more shrill than I think I am.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I would take any and all dogs, a bulldog was just the first dog that popped into my head! I LOVE big dogs and sort of want a dog that I could like, almost ride on, not that I'd ever try that.

      Delete
  14. I've heard that the chocolate factory you speak of was almost hit with a big fine by the FDA for air pollution. Because I mean really...the air is not supposed to smell like chocolate. But if I lived near said factory, it would make me buy more chocolate...so this seems like a great idea.

    Also in college, I lived in Peoria...and anywhere in that town smelled like stale beer because of a factory. It seemed fitting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've never heard that! I wonder if they just get fined like every single year because I have not really noticed a change in the smell. Hmmmm...

      Delete
  15. First, don't be sad about losing a follower. Clearly they were stupid. Plus, I'm a new follower as of last week, so you come out even... and I guarantee I'm cooler than that person. Second, weirest thing I've ever even/had happen to me was when I spent a summer in Kyrgyzstan (long story) and I thought my host family was taking me to a farm to pick out a pet. I was very distraught when the cute sheep I picked out was then tied up and we slit its throat in the front yard, cooked it in a giant cauldron and ate parts of it that I am ashamed of.... I am also not allowed to offer people money to eat weird things. I once offered my 4 year old sister a dollar to eat a habanero pepper off of the fajita tray at a mexican restaurant... She cried so hard my mom made me give her $2.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww thanks you're awesome! That's so interesting that you spent a summer in Kyrgyzstan! I've never been anywhere outside of the Americas/Canada...yet... And also, I feel really bad for laughing at the last line of your comment because your poor little sister! But laugh I did...oops.

      Delete
  16. Hooray! I win! I emailed you!

    I also cannot walk a straight line. I've fallen off of sidewalks, run into parked cars....I used to read while walking home from the bus stop....I had lots of bruises....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad you told me you emailed me because your email actually got spammed for some reason. Found it though and emailed you back!

      And I totally get the reading thing! Ryan disallows all reading while walking in my case. I'm not even allowed to read signs in store windows.

      Delete
  17. Goodness! I still tell people that I'll give them a dollar if they do something for me - but usually it's something like "I'll give you a dollar if you yell 'you're pretty!' to that woman walking down the street. Sometimes works, sometimes not...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would TOTALLY do that. I don't have much shame and I apparently love dollars. Haha.

      Delete
  18. I loved the Smitten Kitchen cookbook. I checked it out from the library, but realized quickly that I should have bought it instead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I got it for Christmas and I seriously love it. I'm slowly working my way through it.

      Delete
  19. Oh dear god you crack me up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad to hear it! This comment totally made my day.

      Delete
  20. #20...a favorite from Happy Endings: What if it was emailed to her as a PDF? How do you destroy a PDF? It’s in the clouds! I don’t control the clouds, I’m not Thor!

    #27...Just call me Bobo Timberland

    #28...the town I grew up in had a Meow Mix factory on the river. Guess what the whole town smelled like during the 96+degree summers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. - Oh Happy Endings...when it's good it's very very good.

      - Bobo is great! My older cousin Carly used to entertain us at night sometimes by pretending to be an alternate persona named Bobo so I have great memories associated with that name.

      - Hah! Did all of the cats just go crazy? Because I sort of do with the chocolate factory smell...

      Delete
  21. You're my favorite. Seriously.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're totally my favorite for saying that! So nice.

      Delete
  22. My husband just read this post over my shoulder and announced that his porn name was "Macho Man Mason". It is my solemn duty to share this with the internet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahh that's really an excellent one! And now I feel like I should make some sort of punny comment about the Macho Man Mason Dixon line, but that borders on inappropriate I'm sure...

      Delete
  23. Dia Rae1/14/2013

    I keep looking at your T-Rex and thinking it's a Velociraptor...

    In other news my porn name would be Lusty Grant. I think my parent's knew about the porn name game back in the 1980s and wanted me to grow up with the bestest porn name ever when they named our dog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah he looks like a Velociraptor to me too but the tag (which I just removed today) totally said T-Rex? So who knows, it's one or the other.

      And that is awesome. Seriously.

      Delete
    2. Dia Rae1/15/2013

      Perhaps it is a super killer T-Rex/Velociraptor hybrid? That would be awesome.

      I grew up with people thinking I couldn't talk right and had a boy dog named Rusty when the fact was I had a girl dog named Lusty. The originality ran out when I got older and my younger sister (there's a 10 year gap between us) got a dog and they couldn't come up with a name. Everyone thought her name was Algae but really it was LG and stood for Little Girl.

      Delete
  24. Holy crap, #26 reminded me about an old Twilight Episode that I saw when I was young. There was this guy with coke bottle glasses and an awful wife and he worked at a bank and went down to the vault to read on his break or something like that. Anyway while he was down there there was a bomb or the Rapture or something and he was safe in the vault and went upstairs and everyone was gone. So he went to the library and got all of these books and had them all on the steps and was planning what to read when BAM he knocked off his glasses and they broke. I was horrified and was all "Who's going to fix his glasses, maybe he can still kind of see out of them" to my parents. The details are hazy but I was definetly more upset that he couldn't read than about everyone on earth being gone. Very traumatic for a young bookworm with glasses!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've seen that one! And I've thought about it about a thousand times over the last ten years or so. I was more upset about his glasses than bomb/rapture thing too!

      Delete
    2. For sure! So now I know that if I am in that situation I need to get one of those elastic things that attach to your glasses and go around your head so that they stay on. Lesson learned, Twilight Zone.

      Delete
  25. Katie K.1/14/2013

    #16 Digestive Advantage Lactose Defense Formula. Seriously, try it. I developed a lactose sensitivity as I reached about 40 and never realized how yucky I felt all the time until I started taking them and felt better. It is just a probiotic and digestive enzyme capsule. Take one every morning and you are all set, although I sometimes take a 2nd in the evening if I have had a big bowl of ice cream or something. Find them at any drugstore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I'll totally look for them today when I run to the drugstore!

      Delete
  26. My husband used to give me math problems to solve in my sleep and he said I always got the answers right. He thought that was the funniest thing. Since I hate math, I always thought it odd that I could whip out correct answers while I slept.

    ReplyDelete
  27. The total blog entry totally made up for the fact that I did NOT win the giveaway....this time. :)

    Lauren, don't worry about the follower you lost. They were obviously no fun. You don't want someone like that in your life! To be a blogstalker you have to appreciate tentacles, and stories of you falling down and such. They just couldn't handle your awesomeness.

    On another topic, I also veer to the left when walking. It usually ends up with me running into people. I think that's why I walk on the left now with people. They were tired of having me playing human pingpong. Completely by accident, of course. :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm with Shannon - this blog always makes me laugh.
    By your rules, my porn name would be KC Silver Creek. I guess that's not too bad. KC was the cat my parents got a couple years before I was born and, yes, KC stands for Kitty Cat. Thank goodness they were a little more creative naming their children.

    ReplyDelete
  29. My dad use to make my sister and I do stuff he was to scared to do, like go down the really steep water slide or ride in the gigantic golf ball that shoots you straight in the air. He never promised us anything he just said you HAVE to do it. I was obessed with The Dinosurs the show I had the bed set and posters and watched every episode. I even had the CD they made and would sing theminmy room and act out the verses. I tried watching an episode on youtube and it was horriable. I have no clue why I loved that show.

    ReplyDelete
  30. #18 Me too. ALL the dogs.

    #19 Maybe it was just someone on google reader who was too busy for your witty antics, and was just cleaning up their google reader and it wasn't "omg I have to stop following that blog!". Or they died. Let's go with that.

    #22 Thyroid issue. You know how when you get a new (or new to you) car and you suddenly notice that make and model everywhere? That's how I am about thyroid stuff. But seriously, if you're cold you should get it tested. Or drink hot tea. Or have a baby, I hear that ups your body temperature. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  31. Holly E1/14/2013

    #22. I am also ALWAYS cold! My boyfriend thinks its hilarious and has made a game of torturing me by pretending to to be indecisive about frozen pizza or ice cream in the freezer section of the grocery store. Or by walking around the house barefoot for a while before bed and then hopping in (with me already bundled up and cozy) and then STICKING HIS FREAKISH FREEZER FEET ALL OVER ME!

    #24. Once while attempting to clip the claws of our homicidal cat, the boyfriend panicked when she snapped at him and threw her (claws first) at my face. So on some level I feel Ryan's pain. (Though maybe next time the toothbrush startles you and you toss it, IMMEDIATELY leap on top of it like its a live grenade, Yelling "I love yooooooouuu Ryaaaaaann")

    ReplyDelete
  32. You never fail to make me smile.

    Let's see, my porn name would be Angel Fairchild which I think sounds really good. Though my initials for my first and middle name are L.A. so when I was younger I wanted to change my last name to Gear. Even now I still kind of want to be LA Gear.

    If I were a dinosaur I would want to be a Pteranodon because I like to fly.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I lived near a candy factory - but didn't know it. I drove by every day, and on some days the car would magically smell like butterscotch discs and I'd be all 'did I drop a butterscotch?' And look under the seats at the next light. Once I discovered it was a candy factory and there was a store attached.... Trouble. They sold their not quite perfects, which totally taste perfect. This is how I discovered salted caramels. Which is what smells like butterscotch.

    Seriously, did you eat the bug?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, and my porn name would be Misty Parkview. I totally went into the wrong profession.

      Delete
  34. Whenever I walk, I veer to the right. It drives my mom and my boyfriend crazy.

    I've always eaten dog food on a dare. I didn't get any money for it though.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Never fails to make me laugh:

    When I was home with a newborn, I mostly sat around nursing the baby and watching the show "Dirty Jobs." There was an episode in which Mike was pouring concrete and one of the boss guys had been a total hard ass all day, criticizing Mike's work and such. At the end of the day, they sat down and started taking off their concrete-y boots, and suddenly Mike goes, "Woah, what's going on there?" And the cameraman pans down to the boss guy's feet, which have toenails that were painted like purple and gold or something. And the guy didn't bat an eye, just totally owned up to it, and said something like, "those are my fall colors." It was the last thing I expected to see in that moment, and I laughed hysterically. I still can't tell anyone about it because I start laughing too hard just thinking about it.

    ReplyDelete
  36. one time my brothers put a spider on a piece of toast with jelly and made me eat it. i determined that i would not be afraid of it so they couldn't have the satisfaction of scaring me. to this day i am not afraid of spiders.

    i really hope you win the lottery because your dream of scads of children and hoards of rescue dogs sounds like heaven and i wish that for you.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I was an evil child who used to pay my sister to do things for a dollar. I would also tell her absolutely absurd "facts" that she would then repeat at dinner. (My parents had a rule you had to bring one interesting news item or fact to the dinner table nightly.) Once I had her convinced they were closing the border to Canada because of the Gulf War (the first one) and she was in HIGH SCHOOL at the time and should have known we weren't at war with Canada.

    I now occupy myself by telling my niece and nephew these stories which they repeat to my sister. (Generational torment! Yay!) I convinced my five year old nephew to learn the Thriller dance so if he were attacked by Zombies, he could hide among them with his smooth dance moves and be safe. He went home and asked him mom for a red leather jacket and the entire story came tumbling out. I got quite a phone call. Apparently, it is bad form to teach the children interesting factoids.

    Oh, and you can't tell them you own stores like Baskin Robbins just because your name is Robin because they will try to get free ice cream and the employees will look at them funny. Just in case you were thinking of telling your kids you are a partner in Ralph LAUREN or something.

    ReplyDelete
  38. #26 really resonated with me - because that is exactly what I would do. On long trips, I pack more books than clothes because I'm worried I will run out of things to read.
    This list is the greatest, and so are you.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Anonymous1/14/2013

    YOU never fail to make me laugh :) I read daily, even if I don't comment every day!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Jennifer T1/14/2013

    Something that never fails to make me giggle (in addition to this blog - which I love FYI!): the part in Harold and Kumar when they sing along to Wilson Phillips...maybe because I too break out into full song and dance when it comes on the radio, maybe not.

    And #25 - I am the same exact way except I mix it up; I veer left, right, walk ahead, lag behind (occasionally trip and sprain an ankle). I have every intention to walk perfectly straight with the group but it NEVER pans out that way. My husband revealed after about 5 years together that walking along side me was one of his biggest challenges ever.

    My dad used to pay me $1 to show people my hurt finger (I burned it badly when I was 4). Just so happened to be my middle finger. Everyone would laugh and I had NO clue why.

    ReplyDelete
  41. great saints above it's a good thing i didn't go into porn cuz my name would be Sprite Wood Burn. that is just asking for trouble. and my 2 year old daughter makes me laugh. every single day that kid just cracks me up. she has an invisible elephant friend named Gadzooks, i have no idea why, but i have never seen someone have so much fun in my life. they like to play hide and seek. apparently he's not very good.

    ReplyDelete
  42. HOLY SHIT WE HAVE THE SAME BELLE PEZ DISPENSER!!

    Andrew got it for me for Christmas. He's obviously a smart guy.

    Cause, you know, Belle is the bomb and Pez' are a gift from God, so together, they have to create something beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  43. My dad used to pay me to watch him sleep. Apparently this was a way to make sure I stayed safe and nearby when he was watching me for the afternoon when I was like 5 or 6, if he wanted to take a nap. We called it ”all money”, which was a coin of every denomination. So for $0.41, he was assured that he'd be able to nap for an hour or two and I wouldn't get into any trouble. Amazingly enough, I would stay in his room and read a book or something until he woke up. I took my job very seriously.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This made me laugh out loud!! :)

      Delete
  44. Megan M.1/14/2013

    My porn name is Frisky Gurley. Omg. O_0

    ReplyDelete
  45. I think Velvet Carpenter is probably the best name that has ever come out of one of those games. SO AWESOME!

    I can also relate to #26. I got sick when I was home over Christmas and ended up finishing the INCREDIBLY LONG book I had brought along. It is part of a series and rather than reading something else on my iPad, I jumped through hoops to find the next book in the series on the local online library (their website is very user-unfriendly), downloaded the app to be able to read it, and then stayed up far too late reading. I should also mention that my mom does not have an internet connection so I went over my allocated 200MB of data on my phone plan by using my Hotspot to do all of this. Never again will I only bring one book home with me.

    ReplyDelete
  46. So you mean it's not natural to veer all over the road when you're walking? I bump into people ALL the time. I just thought it was the way it was. I have one hip higher than the other though so my left leg is shorter than my right .. so it makes sense that the right takes longer steps. Maybe you need to add it to your list of things to get checked out :)

    Oh and I'd totally be a velociraptor coz they can open doors yo! :P

    ReplyDelete
  47. I am always cold too, and I LOVE towels and blankets fresh out of the dryer!

    When we moved into our new apartment my husband hung the pictures in our hallway rather high, so that I can't knock them off when I'm not paying attention and beer off into the wall.

    My dad tried to bribe me to order cow tongue at a Mexican restaurant, I chickened out though. I was really hungry and wasn't allowed to order 2 meals.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I have read your blog since almost the beginning. I have been a lurker though until today. I started following you to make up for the one you lost. Just think how many readers you have like me that aren't "followers" :)

    ReplyDelete
  49. So, one time I was hiking with my cousins. We had seen a few mountain lion tracks along the way when something jumps out of the woods behind us and starts roaring. Without looking behind me, I grab the cousin in front of me, fling her behind me and start sprinting up the trail. Turns out it was just my uncle trying to scare us. Everybody still makes fun of me but I stand by my awesome instincts to just not be last. And for the record, this was only a few years ago.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I read this twice because it is just that entertaining!! Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  51. Yeah, I can't go into porn. My maiden name is Hoes. We lived on Hoes Lane. My name would either be Fluffy Hoes or Stuffy Hoes. It would be really bad porn.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Anonymous1/15/2013

    Being cold all the time could be caused by many things but one simple fix to try is drink more fluids-especially water. My doctor told me that dehydration is the basic cause of feeling cold all the ime. If that doesn't work, get your thyroid level checked.

    The other issue of feeling sick after eating may be as simple as the kind of oil you are using to the idea that you are hypogycemic. My son can not use or eat peanut or coconut oil without gettin a tummy ache. Your doctor can check to see if you have the other problem.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Jana L.1/15/2013

    Your mom sounds awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  54. I ALWAYS offer my daughter a dollar to do random things for me as well. I tell her to take it out of my purse but she usually forgets. I offer my husband 1 million dollars and he just keeps a tally in his head to remind me of how I owe him millions.

    ReplyDelete
  55. AJS7211/15/2013

    THIS. THIS POST will always make me laugh. Also? I veer right. Running with me is perilous because I shove other people into the street. Soo...who's up for a run? :)

    ReplyDelete
  56. Let's see if I was a dinosaur I'd be a Velociraptor cause those things are little and vicious. Plus I'd be able to run really fast which is not a trait I currently possess. It's just bad when I run. Weirdest thing I ever ate was snails and they were pretty tasty, chewy but tasty. Inappropriate but spot-on humor gets me every time. But there's a lot of stuff that makes me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Melissa1/16/2013

    Oh, I hate that I didn't read this earlier because now I'm the 99th comment and who knows if you'll read this far down???

    #29 is me. Seriously. Not only would my parents pay me to do ridiculous things (Here sweetie, drink this glass of water and go jump up and down for Granny - Cue hysterical laughter when everyone could hear the water slosh) but they also made me "earn" my allowance by playing penny ante poker. Do you know how good you have to be to earn 50 cents playing a penny at a time?

    Here I am 25 years later, an accountant whose friends constantly try to take to Vegas because I can count cards.

    And my parents are BAPTISTS.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Oh sweet baby jesus. We live up the street from a fancy chocolate factory (https://www.theochocolate.com/) and my favorite Thai restaurant. In the mornings on the way to the bus, I smell nothing but fancypants chocolate. On my way home from the bus? Garlic and phad thai. It's like my neighborhood is conspiring to keep my booty ginormous.

    ReplyDelete
  59. My porn name is Harry Williamsburg. Worst porn name EVER.

    ReplyDelete
  60. I got my teeth whitened a year ago and I still have random, intense pain and sensitivity. I am also a big baby about it. If I lived down from a chocolate factory and smelled that all day, I would be the fattest person around. Just eating everything sweet in sight. My porn name would be Allie Sanders. Sounds like Steve Sanders sister and reminds me of 90210. That's not very porn like.

    ReplyDelete
  61. #18 sound like utopia to me too (although, sadly, my allergies would prevent the pets). I think it's hilarious that your mom paid you $1 to do random things, but the best part of that is your accounting skills even back then. Also, my porn name is Sascha Summer, so that's pretty good, right? (Also, I never know when is too late to comment on something I'm reading after everybody else has already come and gone, so... sorry this is late(r)).

    ReplyDelete
  62. Puppygirl1/19/2013

    In my husband's opinion, the 'throwing of the exploding toothbrush at the husband' is just a typical thing. He then went on a mumbling rant about being expected to kill spiders, but when it comes to protection from exploding toothbrushes, it's everyone for themselves.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
 
Site Design By Designer Blogs