Oh You're So Cute! Like A Chipmunk! Yeah, Like an Evil Biting Chipmunk Old Lady, Remove Your Hands From My Face And Back Away.

Good Afternoon Blogstalkers!

First I want to mention that late on Friday I actually added a video update to the last post.  A video of me rapping, so check that out if you want.  It's quite good.

Today I am going to tell you a bedtime story.  So grab your blankies and your warm milk (rum optional.)  This is actually the story that my dad told me most nights of my young life to make me go to sleep and stop asking so many questions.  He didn't KNOW why Sleepy didn't just take more naps and YES he was positive that Alf was not going to come over in the middle of the night and eat my cats.

The only thing you need to know going in to this story is that toddler Lauren had extremely chubby cheeks.  Strangers were always commenting on them and then squeezing them all rudely and sometimes it made young Lauren cry and made her wish she didn't have delightfully chubby cheeks.

So my dad crafted this gem to make me feel better about old ladies pinching my face.  He also made up another story about how it is rude to pinch adults in the face no matter how many times they pinch you in the face, but that is a story for a different day.

As I was approximately three years old hearing this story, I obviously could not recall all of the specific details so I asked my dad to transcribe it for me.  I assumed that this meant he would type it into an email and send it to me but I was mistaken.  I actually had to drive to the suburbs to pick up pages that looked like this: (don't try to read this, I'll type it out below.)


Which actually turned out fine because then I got to go through a bunch of my childhood photos and grab some to show you all.  These photos will prove what I've been telling you all along, I've ALWAYS been weird and ridiculous.

First here are a couple of pictures of me around the time my dad made up this story.

My sister was born and I was all MY BABY.
Me and My Dad



And away we go.

A long time ago.  In fact a very, very long time ago there lived a kindly old king who ruled his kingdom with smiles and love.  All of the king's subjects were very happy and hoped that the king would live forever.  But alas, the king was very old and since he did not have any children of his own he decided to find a princess to rule his kingdom when he was gone.

The word went out to find the perfect princess; but how would the king decide on the best girl for the job?  Well, that was easy, for in this kingdom the true measure of kindness and fairness and beauty was determined based on the chubbiness of one's cheeks.

Many many girls, all lovely in their own ways, flocked to the castle in hopes of being the new princess and ruling the land with smiles and love.  But most of the young ladies, while being very pretty were just too skinny.  Their cheekbones stuck out farther than their cheeks.  Their knees were knobby and their noses were pointy.  Their cheeks were not chubby enough at all.

And then there were possible princesses who had wonderfully chubby cheeks.  But everything else on them was also chubby.  Their fingernails and eyelashes were chubby.  Even their hair was chubby.  Though beautiful, these girls simply would not do either.

The king was in despair.  Could it be that the perfect princess did not exist?  Just as he was about to give up and send all of the young ladies home, there was a great commotion from the back of the hall.  Slowly the crowd parted to reveal a single young girl with long brown hair, beautiful big brown eyes, a sweet entrancing smile, and, something even more wonderful.  As the young girl approached the king he saw she had the most perfect, the most round and squishy chubby cheeks he had ever seen.  The kindly old king, who ruled with smiles and love, reached out and with the back of his hand touched the most chubbiest and most beautiful cheeks he had ever seen.  They were JUST RIGHT and the king knew he had found his perfect princess.

The kingdom was overjoyed.  And sure enough when the old king was gone, the new princess ruled with smiles and love and kindness and fairness.  And everyone lived happily ever after.

THE END  


I loved this story.  It was the perfect mix of Cinderella and Goldilocks.  It made me feel like a princess.  Which probably explains these pictures.  And also probably explains my affinity for crowns.





I don't know what explains THESE pictures though.

I looked at this picture forever and was like "There is something really familiar about that girl,"  and Ryan was like 'Yes, that is because it is you."  And I was like, "NO....that's not it...OH it's the little boy from Love Actually!"

I'm blaming my parents for the next two.  I can't imagine I was able to dress myself like this.





And here is a random assortment of other pictures from my younger days.

Just...No.

After I dyed my hair red to play Annie.

After I got SMASHED IN THE FACE WITH A SOFTBALL. And had to wear an eye patch for like six weeks.

I've mentioned that my dad is a Civil War nut and thus I've been to like every major battleground.  And dressed up like a solider, obviously.

OMG Lauren!  You know responsible scientists wear PANTS!

This is sort of a picture of me since I am the one handing out candy.  But I just wanted to show you all my dad's tombstones.  He's been on top of the Zombie Apocalypse thing since before it was cool apparently.

So that's all for today Blogstalkers.  Tell me something random about your childhood?


41 comments:

  1. We had this poem called the lollipop tree (maybe it was Shel Silverstein? I can't remember.) Anyway, when I was little I would eat popsicles and "plant" the sticks in the backyard. I thought the little bit of dye left on the end of the stick was my lollipop tree sprouting.

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    2. Umm. What I had meant to say was that I want to go back in time and pinch your cheeks, but I'd probably get put in time out for it. As me.

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  2. This is probably entirely inappropriate, what with my all-consuming love of O.J. and all, but...your Dad was a hottie.

    Oh, and I love the story.

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  3. You were so cute!

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  4. i love the poem. my Grandpa would always call me his Princess because everyone else called me a witch because i was born in Halloween. Also, i've always had chubby cheeks and my daddy to this day calls me his "Cachetona" which is Spanish for big cheeks. all this to say, i can relate. lol.

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  5. Once my brother and I were playing in our ditch after it had rained massively. The ditch was very deep and completely full of water. We decided it was a great idea to get our aluminum baseball bat and splash water at each other. I had it first and we stood facing each other with our legs on either side of the ditch. I proceeded to put the bat back between my legs and swing it through the water, splashing my little brother. We repeated this until his head went down and my bat came up and beamed him in the eye! Like a good big sister, I left him on the side of the road and ran inside to tell my mom "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! I SWEAR!!!"

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  6. Awesome story, hilarious pictures. My grandpa used to tell us a story about a little boy who was the size of a thumb (creatively named “Little Thumb”). He disobeyed his mother and went into the cow pasture where he was eaten by a cow. He got out by tickling the cow’s stomach until he threw up. My cousins and I would beg him to tell it over and over.

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  7. Debbie1/21/2013

    my dad was almost 50 when i was born & way past wanting to to be an attentive father (athough my brothers claim he was never attentive w/ them either), but i have one photo of me sitting on the arm of his lazy boy reading him a book (probably making up the story because i look too young to actually KNOW how to read)& he looks TOTALLY into it. in fact, if you look closer you can see that the TV is off (which was a rarity). & if you look even closer, you can see a ceramic statue of a cat wearing one of my moms fabulous disco wigs (this was the 70's), that part is harder for me to explain, but i have actual photographic proof that i had my dads attention, at least once.

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  8. Anonymous1/21/2013

    I apologize. I think I might have pinched your chubby cheeks at one time. They were wonderfully chubby!

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  9. My dad used to write songs and stories while he was on the road for my brother, sister, and myself. Your dad seems like a pretty cool guy.

    P.S. I totally would have pinched your cheeks.

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  10. When I was a kid in elementary school I overhead some older kids telling a dirty joke. So, of course I had to then tell MY friend the dirty joke. Well, my friend thought the joke was so darn funny (when in reality we probably had NO idea what it meant) that she had to tell her mom. Which resulted in HER parents calling MY parents to come over for a parent meeting about me being "a bad influence" on their little angel. My parents thought the joke was funny and tried really hard to not laugh until they left the parent meeting. Which probably explains why I'm still kind of a bad influence... (and no, I don't remember the joke)

    PS. I may chase you down and squeeze your cheeks at BlogHer this year. Run Lauren, run!

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  11. I am stating the obvious, but your Dad rocks.

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  12. Your post makes me happy/sad. My dad passed away in 2006 and I forget and go days without thinking about him. Thank you for bringing up the daddy topic because it made me think back to some of the memories I have of him :) My parents were divorced and when it was his weekend he would let us watch wrestling which we thought was totally real and make us Shirley Temples with extra cherries. We would make forts out of sheets and furniture and then we would play games and get to stay up late. Thanks for sharing!

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  13. Please let your dad know that he is awesome and I would like him to decorate my yard for Halloween next year :)

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  14. When I was little, I used to think it was fun to jump/roll down the stairs. My parents always told me to stop, but I kept on doing it. When I was about four, I jumped and tumbled down the stairs. I banged up my head on the way down and my parents took me to the emergency room. I was told I didn't have a concussion, but needed to keep ice on my head--which my dad tried to do. I kept making him wrap it up in a towels until it was impossible to feel. I was never allowed to "play" on the stairs again. :[

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  15. You on the sled, in the red number? Simply precious!

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  16. Random fact from my childhood. I used to like to cut hair. I cut all my gorgeous curls off in the middle of the night. I remember doing it and standing in front of the trash can. I don't remember if I got caught then or was found out in the morning. As a result I had straight hair for many years. Then I got into my tweens and my curls started to return! It was crazy. I never did cut my hair again until I was an adult and wanted to slip of the dry ends. I used to cut my Barbie dolls hair, though. Expensive Collectable Holiday Barbie included.

    Once in the 6th grade danced around in the bathroom wearing my Mom's cowgirl boots. There was a very large mirror leaning against the wall. I was kicking up my heels and broke the mirror. I am positive I caused seven years of bad luck for myself.

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  17. Oh, those pictures of you as a child brought back so many memories of my childhood, and all the unfortunate outfits my dad (who is colorblind), would put me in. Though now that I have complete say over my wardrobe I can't claim it's much better. Random fact about my youth: I have the worst fear of spiders, and socks with holes in them, and several years in a row when I was little (I think from the ages of 4-7 or something like that), my mother dressed me up as a spider for halloween...in a homemade costume made from a black sweater and some of my dad's old, hole filled dress socks with newspaper sewn into them. She wondered why I grew to resent halloween.

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  18. Such a sweet story! But nothing beats the little boy from Love Actually! Laughing hysterically! You are too funny!

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  19. Michelle1/21/2013

    I was such a tomboy when I was a kid, I had a special tree I loved to climb. I would sit up there with a snack and read. I would walk to the 7-11 that was literally behind my house and buy a cola slurpee, a bag of some kind of snack, and peanut M&Ms and then sit up there and read Archie comics or books I either bought or got from the library. I spent many a happy hour up in that tree. It is no longer there, as that land was cleared for some new houses to be built about 10 years ago.

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    1. Michelle1/21/2013

      Oh, and I carried everything up into the tree in a small (mini) Smurfs duffle bag. Yes, I was a child of the 80s!(I am 40.)

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  20. When I was a little girl, my dad said I used to make up jokes where the punchline was always "Because he thought it was a raspberry!". For example: "Why did the giraffe eat the banana? Because he thought it was a raspberry!"

    I'm not gonna lie. I still crack myself up with these jokes. My husband thinks I'm crazy and pretends to not know me when it happens.

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  21. My Dad called me the Michelin Baby because my fat rolls had fat rolls. (Those unfamiliar with the Michelin Man please do a quick google.) I was a very chubby baby.

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  22. Evyl Fashionista1/21/2013

    I had to be the world's clumsiest child. I ran, tripped and fell onto and into pretty much everything. There was an ER visit at least once a year from the moment I was mobile. Somedays I'm amazed that I ever survived my childhood. :-D

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  23. When I was little my grandparents owned an old brothel museum. Now they don't own it but my grandma volunteers as a tour guide and says things like "I'm leaving, gotta to work at the whorehouse." Everyone I know thinks my grandma is awesome and they are not wrong!

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  24. I think I had that same blue shirt/pant with matching patches outfit when I was a kid!

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  25. I love your dad and the fact that he made up that story for you and managed to remember it whenever you really wanted to smack someone for grabbing on your admittedly adorable chubby cheeks. And I'm even happier he was able to write it down for you to share with anyone and everyone. That's one of the things I miss about my dad, the great stories.

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  26. Anonymous1/22/2013

    Well, my Dad was a no-show but my Mom was awesome! I remember riding in the car with her and my sister and just to make us laugh, she would drive down the sidewalk for several blocks (we lived in a VERY small southern town). We lived a block from the city pool and we would sneak there at night, climb the fence and swim for hours during the summer.

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  27. LOVE the jeans with the cut out diamonds. Reminds me of a pair of matching overalls me and MY MOM used to wear with rainbow paint marks and bows all over them. Thankfully those pictures "got lost" along the way. When I was a toddler apparently I liked to do rolls and handstands and "tricks" to show off. My dad thought it was cool to nickname my trixie. The first time he called me that in front of my boyfriend (now husband) I had to explain that it was not a stripper name..... Awkward.

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  28. I didn't eat anything green.

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  29. Wait, your Dad is Magnum PI?!

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  30. Lesley1/22/2013

    oh man, now I'm in love with your Dad

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  32. Your dad is AWESOME! The zombie graves are amazing! Mind you I dream about zombie vampire babies so I am bound to like them. I don't have much of an imagination (dreams don't count) so my Beautiful B made me read the same book to her over and over for a year - the Roald Dahl book 'The Twits' is imprinted on my brain.

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  33. Anonymous1/23/2013

    That silky pajama dress in princess picture #3? I HAD THOSE

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  34. We lived in a house that rain ditches on each side so when we had a really huge storm it was like being in a castle surrounded by a moat. My mom would use her hands as a book to tell us the story about the 2 princesses. I loved it and tell my own stories to my daughter now...

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  35. This brought back so many good memories and was just delightful to boot! Seriously, random childhood pictures are the best. When I was 7 I was in love with the movie FernGully and my dad made up a fairy named Lupi. Lupi was a nonsense fairy who was studying to be a goodsense fairy and she would bring me letters in the middle of the night (and sometimes presents!). The letters would always address something that was supper important to me at the time and usually say that the cat had nearly eaten Lupi while she was trying to deliver the letter. This went on till I was ~10 and Lupi had graduated, and it remains one of my favorite things about my dad, who despite being 55 when I was born, clearly thought that raising a kid was the best thing ever.

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  36. One day, when I was 5 or 6, I was playing in the backyard with my dad, and a hot air balloon hovered low over my house. The people in the basket were lost and shouted down for directions. My dad was able to send them on their way. I told everyone I met for the next six months about the hot air balloon in my backyard.

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  37. Paige Hudson Garcia1/27/2013

    That is the greatest thing I have read since...well, probably ever. Super-adorable Lauren and a Dad who is apparently FULL of AWESOME! You hug him from me too the next time you see him!

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  38. #1. Ever heard the term 'cute aggression'? Cause I totally have that, and looking at these pictures of you as a child makes me want to bite you! Weird?

    #2. Your dad looks like David Arquette to me. Or am I on glue?

    #3. You couldn't be any more adorable if you frigging tried. Fact.

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