Now With Realistic Crying Sounds

I can't believe it's been an whole week since I last posted.  Have you missed me Blogstalkers?

I apologize for my absence but as I said before I had the flu.  And it was BAD.  So bad that at one point I was beyond exhausted and became downright delusional.  I was sleeping on the rug in the bathroom and Ryan was in bed.  He woke up to me saying something and checked the bathroom to make sure I was ok.

He says I was curled up on the rug singing "Silly Willy Nilly Old Bear" liltingly over and over.   (These are part of the Winnie-The-Pooh lyrics.)  And he asked me "Do you need anything?  Are you alright?" And I said "I used to be Piglet."  Which I should mention is technically true since I did play Piglet in a community play as a child but to Ryan it was very confusing.

Also at some point I vaguely remember reorganizing all of the drawers and cabinets in the bathroom which is nice because now I have extremely organized drawers and also sort of funny since in my feverish stupor I thought it would be hilarious to hide all of my lipsticks/glosses in random spots in Ryan's cabinets and now he keeps going to like...grab a kleenex and finds a lipstick instead.  Although I got sick of not having any of my lip stuff so yesterday I went back through all of his things and collected it all.  Or thought I did at least.  This morning Ryan found a Cinderella chapstick in one of his prescription bottles so.....

But enough about all of that.

Early last week before I was really sick I was trying to think of something to post while drinking my morning juice.  And as it is a widely known fact that I can not in fact multi-task without injuring myself I was not surprised when I (once again) smashed the glass into my two front teeth.

Lauren: RYAN!!

Ryan: *looks over at me* Oh God, have you chipped your teeth again?  You just got new ones.

Lauren: No.  I have not chipped my teeth.  I. Have. Chipped. The. Glass.

Ryan: Lovely.

Lauren: You don't understand, this is the best thing ever.  EVER.

Ryan: I'm not going to ask why this time.  I'm not going to bite.

Lauren: I'll tell you anyway Sir! *whispers* (P.S. I loved your pun.)

Lauren: So you know how my normal bones are brittle and prone to chipping and cracking and sometimes just snapping right in half?

Ryan: Yes I'm well aware of all of that.  I'm the one that drives you to the emergency room.

Lauren: Yes and asking the front desk nurse if they had Frequent Customer Punch Cards last time was rude by the way.

Ryan: What if she had said yes?  You would probably qualify for a free Appendectomy or something by now.

Lauren: Still rude dude.  But anyway, as it turns out, veneers are very strong.  I have my last dentist appointment tomorrow and I am going to present my dentist with what I believe is probably a million dollar idea.

Ryan: *has no words, just looks at me...let's just say...quizzically*

Lauren: Other Bone Veneers.  Think of the possibilities.  "Foot Veneers - Legos Be Damned"  "Hand Veneers - Flail Wildly without Consequence" "Butt Bone Veneers - Go Ahead Accidentally Miss The Chair All You Like."

Ryan: That is the worst idea I have ever heard.  It doesn't even make sense.

Lauren:  Yeah the taglines need work.  How about "Do you want an ass that could shatter glass?  Then carefully sit down on your currently delicate derriere and let me tell you about butt bone veneers."

Ryan: That's better actually, but still, this makes no sense.  This sounds like a major, completely ridiculous surgery.

Lauren: No Surgery Required!  Our one-of-a-kind veneers are fitted to your body parts individually and slide over your skin to make you virtually indestructible!

Ryan: So basically you want to start a line of porcelain suits?  Like Iron Man but worse.  Porcelain Doll Man. That's terrible.

Lauren: I'm still working out the kinks...

So in the end maybe not my greatest idea.  Ever invented something?  Had any grand ideas lately?  Tell me about them?

You totally missed me, I know it.

38 comments:

  1. I totally missed you. Glad you are feeling better. The flu sucks, but at least you kept yourself occupied.

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    1. Thanks! And yeah, I was a busy little fevered girl I guess.

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  2. Glad to hear you feel better! I could have used one of those butt bone veneers a few years ago. Yowch, that hurts!

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    1. Right!? Butt bones are terrible bones to injure. I bruised mine so badly I was sure it was broken last year (it was not) and I couldn't even use it as a reason to sit on the couch because sitting hurt too much so instead I like, did a lot of dishes and laundry because standing felt so much better.

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  3. I see lucrative defense department contracts in your future... Or lawsuits. 50/50.

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    1. Good thing I already have an ornery lawyer then...

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    2. He won't even teach you to swear in Russian. I think you should find a new one!

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    3. Yeah maybe...just yesterday he called me a "flibbertigibbet" too.

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  4. Anonymous1/28/2013

    Totally missed you and if i figuer out how my tablet works i will not post anonym anymore.

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    1. No worries on the anonymous thing! Anonymous is totally fine as long as the comment is lovely like yours!

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    2. Anonymous1/28/2013

      I did send you a package today oh that sounds more creepy than i thouht

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    3. Not creepy I swear! I love getting packages!

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    4. Anonymous1/28/2013

      Ok i hope the package is there in three weeks or so its from austria

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    5. Oh Ok! I actually just saw your email this morning then. It somehow got Spammed which is why I have not replied!

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    6. Anonymous1/28/2013

      Oh no problem most of the time i send emails and no one is getting them. Maybe i should work on my emailskills maybe that would make my boss paying me more.

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  5. I totally missed you. I think it's crazy cool that you now have bionic teeth (basically) that can gnaw through glass and cause you no harm. That's amazing and very handy.

    I have had several crazy but wonderful ideas that I then find out someone stole from me about five years before. It keeps happening and I'm getting madder about it. Once I get mad enough, I'm going to sue a whole lotta people. I also totally wrote a couple of great songs that have been stolen and recorded by famous people several years before I wrote them. Also upsetting. I'm beginning to get the idea everyone but me has a time machine and is using them to rip me off.

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    1. I totally love my new teeth. They absolutely destroy apples.

      My BFF Vanessa has the exact same problem as you with people inventing things first! Sometimes we watch the show SharkTank and I'm like "Huh, Vanessa isn't that the gadget you were going to invent in three days?" And she's all "Shut Up Lauren!"

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  6. You know Ryan was just jealous he didn't think of the suit idea first. It is great to have you back!

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  7. Missed you sooo much! I'm not the creative type, so no inventions from me.

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  8. I totally missed you! Glad you are feeling better. Sadly, I'm not creative enough to invent anything...ever. Even something dumb.

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  9. I did miss you! Also, glad to know that even in your fever-and-illness-induced stupor, you still managed to mess with RYAN. Kudos!

    Glad you're feeling better. Welcome back!

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  10. Missed you so much! Glad you're feeling better!

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  11. Laurie1/28/2013

    Oh my goodness....I am full of dumb ideas. Here is my worst one: I told my husband I was going to open a restaurant near an ocean or a lake and call it The Tackle Box. It was a concept restaurant where people caught their own fish and/or seafood and brought it into the restaurant for me to clean and cook for them. My husband was all like "Laurie, someone who is willing to go CATCH their own seafood is probably also perfectly capable and willing to clean and cook their own seafood. There are already seafood restaurants out there for the people who DON'T want to catch their own food." I was all like "Bil, why are you always killing my dreams?" In hindsight, yes it was a stupid idea but still, a little support would have been nice. I am DEFINITELY not inviting him to my grand opening :)

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    1. I don't think it's dumb. I know there are places where people pay a lot of money to hunt, then they bring their game or birds or whatever in and the hunting lodge chef cooks it. That's not too different from what you're describing.

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  12. BecBec1/28/2013

    I had an idea as a young 20 something that I ran by my Mom and her friend. It was about car brake lights, well I felt it was brilliant and they both laughed at me. Laughed at me & my idea. I did nothing to pursue my vision.

    A few years after that, I happened upon a show about cars of the future and what some of the fancier cars are working on in regards to safety/design. Wouldn't you know it, there was my idea RIGHT ON THE TV SHOW! My idea! I should be living the dream right about now. I shouldn't ever have to worry about money if only I wasn't laughed at by my Mom and her pal. UGH!

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  13. I'm totally jelly. I'd love to have veneers as I hate my teeth. I have a big gap in the front that I've hated all my life.

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  14. Yes I missed the blog BUT I think I may be following too closely because now I have the flu! Not cool... Oh well. My current brilliant idea (and I hope its brilliant - so don't tell me if the fever has gotten to me) is to go back through all my old NSYNC, Britney and Backstreet Boys CDs and put together tons of awesome playlists for my ipod. : )

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  15. Yes we missed you and the random ways that your brain works and the very logical way in which you share the randomness. Glad you're feeling better. Butt of glass is probably not going to sell very well after a year so a la the buns of steel folks. But you could maybe crack into the wanna be ninja/sci fi crew with limbs of glass.

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  16. I NEED a veneer suit. Desperately. My butt, ankles, knees, and arms thank you kindly.

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  17. The internet was definitely much quieter without you (my mom says the same thing about me when I'm away at school, so I think it's a negative thing).

    Anyway, I've never invented things per say, but always thought it would be interesting to make sweatshirts for my legs. No snow pants, not sweats, but something to slip on like you can a sweatshirt.

    My legs get cold here!

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  18. Porcelain suits would eventually turn people evil. I'm not sure how, but those dolls all wanna kill me. So whole people in doll suits will be my arch nemesis...

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  19. Glad you've rebounded to the land of the living! And I would totally want a veneer set of toes. I think I've broken my baby toes at least 5 times from stubbing them.

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  20. Jennifer T1/28/2013

    Missed your posts Lauren!

    I could use a veneer tailbone cover. Fell before Christmas and cracked mine, and what a (literal) pain in the butt it has been!!

    As for inventions, this one isn't mine but my fathers. He thought the "Magnet on a String" would be such an amazing invention, it would change the lives of men all over the world. It's a (you guessed it) magnet, tied to a string. In his case, fishing line. That way, when he's working on a project and drops a screw or bolt down into a small space, just lower your magnet and VIOLA!

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  21. I totally did miss you. My entire back could use some veneers... Scoliosis-be-gone!!

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  22. SWEATER PANTS. Totally my idea, maybe 15ish years ago. I could be a gajillionaire by now, but my 'best friend' told me it was a horrible idea.

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  23. This is brilliant. I'm having surgery on Friday to remove a bunch of metal plates and pins from my foot. It freaks me out that I'm going to be walking around with holes in my bones for a while. If my doctor could just coat them with a layer of that veneer material, that would be awesome!

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