How Ryan(Or as he calls himself "The One That Didn't Get Away") Met (And Married) Lauren Part III - Part I

The day has finally arrived.  The start-of-the-conclusion (I actually divided this post into two separate posts because it got WAY too long) of the thrilling How Ryan Met Lauren series of posts.  I was actually all set to post this a week or so ago and then the dreadful internets ate the post.

And I was like NO.  That did NOT just happen.

But it turns out it totally did happen.

So I had to rewrite the entire thing.  Which brings us to today.

If you're new here, I suggest you start with How Ryan Met Lauren Part 1How Ryan Met Lauren Part 2 and maybe take a quick peek at The Engagement and then if you're not too dizzy and/or horrified, come on back here.

Oh you're back?  You must be crazy.  But whatever, let's move on.

Ryan proposed March 27th, 2010.  Ryan and Lauren got married December 11th, 2010.  Let's reminisce shall we?

Lauren (that's me, for some reason I always write these posts in the third person) had always wanted a Winter wedding.  She daydreamed about soft snowflakes and twinkling holiday lights and about how all the bees would be dead because Winter is too cold for fucking bees.

Unfortunately, upon waking the morning of the wedding and running to the window of her fancy hotel suite, there was nary a snowflake in sight.  At least Lauren assumed this was true.  She couldn't positively say that it wasn't snowing because it was pretty hard to see anything through all of the rain.

Drat.

Luckily Lauren is a hard girl to flap, so she took a deep breath, gave the rain her middle finger, then apologized to the rain because she is a lady and middle fingers have absolutely no place in fancy hotel suites, and trekked downstairs to get some coffee.

A short time later the hair and makeup girls showed up and whipped Lauren into shape.  It was surprisingly painful.  Like side-burns-waxing painful.  Lauren didn't even know that was a thing.

It was the happiest day of my eyebrows' lives.
Then the photographers arrived and it was time to put on the dress.  First though, Lauren ordered the two man photographers out of the room.  Actually she said "Gino, Ben, I like both of you, and respect your talents and understand that you have seen many a bride in many a state of undress, but today is a special day, and I do not want anyone thinking rude things about my wobbly bits, so please will you remove yourselves whilst I don my bridal plumage."

And then Lauren's sister Jordan, the Main of Honor was like "Ryan is so lucky he gets to marry you."

And Lauren was like "I know. I wonder what he is doing right this second."

Later she found out that at right that second Ryan was panicking back at their condo, surrounded by groomsmen and ushers because no one knew how to tie a bow tie and he hadn't actually learned how to tie a bow tie like he had told Lauren and there was no one to tie the bow ties.

So he called the tux place and they actually had to send an associate over to our home to tie all of the dumb boys' ties.

OH! So you TIE it into a BOW?  Wow I was way off.
But back to the bride.

It took twenty minutes and three bridesmaids to get the dress on.

I am saying a little prayer in my head right now.  Oh Dear Lord, Please Let This God Damned Dress Fit.


This is a grimace, not a smile.
And all of the other bridesmaids were just standing there watching, all worried.

Vanessa is definitely thinking "I TOLD her a Quesadilla Wedding Diet wasn't a thing"
But in the end, all of Lauren was somehow smooshed into the dress.  And she was very happy.

This is when I shouted "See Vanessa! I CAN eat a quesadilla for every meal for a week and still fit into my dress!  You were wrong to doubt me and wrong to try to take away all of my quesadilla-making ingredients."
With Lauren and Ryan both finally dressed, it was time to take some pictures.  First Lauren got to take Glamour shots.

This is looks like glamour, but really it is me not being able to breathe or sit on a chair like a regular person.
This looks like glamour but really it is me being like "Oh look, my shoulder is sweating."

They should really let you wear your dress around for like two days before buying it.  Because those things can be HEAVY and HOT and underneath her dress Lauren was like, covered in sweat.

Soon Ryan and company arrived at the hotel and it was time for Ryan and Lauren to do their "Reveal."  The moment they saw each other for the first time.

Why is her back so sweaty?

At this point I got nervous and as I turned around I said "It's Me!" and Ryan was all "I kind of thought it would be."

He was glad it was me.

At this point I was thinking "After today, no one can think I'm a slut if I get pregnant."

After the Reveal, it was on to group pictures.  Unfortunately, it was still raining cats and dogs and bats and frogs and gnats and hogs and rats and logs.

And since all of the bridesmaids were newly beautified, it was decided that the original plan of getting pictures of everyone out and about in Chicago would need to be changed.  So they took some pictures inside and some pictures outside, (but still under the hotel's awning) and then released everyone to the party bus.

Stop looking so happy OJ, it's not YOUR wedding day.  It's MINE.  I mean, mine and Ryan's.

I was adamant that my bridal party be made up of an equal number of blondes and brunettes.  And no redheads.  Because I don't have any redheaded friends, not because I've got animosity toward gingers.  I would seriously marry Ron Weasley if he was a real person.  And then we would have magical little redheaded babies and I would be like "Ronaldina and Ron Jr, please use your wands to conjure mommy up some mozzarella sticks."

Rain Rain, Go Away, Come Again Any Other Fucking Day.

We released everyone to the bus except OJ that is.

Because of the rain, OJ was in charge of being my Man of Honor.  Which meant that he had to keep me dry and my dress dry and my wrap dry while he and Ryan and I traipsed about the city.

When my photographer took this picture of OJ wearing my wrap and putting on his I-am-suave-and-debonair face, other random people started taking pictures of him on their phones and stuff too.  We're pretty sure they thought he was some sort of Indian Prince or something.

He's VERY handsome and loves the Batman movies and lies about his height.

When we first got engaged, I wanted to get married at the Harold Washington Library, which is gorgeous.  But Ryan said no because he thought I'd "sneak away and read books."
And then the photographer was like "Look Drunk!" and we totally pulled it off. (I swear I didn't have a drink until 11pm when the photographers left.)

A picture of us walking around in the rain with umbrellas.

Another picture of us walking around in the rain with umbrellas.
At one point, when OJ and Ryan and I were walking down the street, in the rain, with umbrellas, a woman with a young girl was like "Honey look at the bride! Isn't she pretty?" and then the little girl was like "Mommy why does she has two hubsbands?" and I was like, yep, sounds about right.

Last time OJ was visiting, I went to bed by myself while the boys stayed up talking.  When I woke up there was a Lauren, a Ryan AND an OJ in my bed.  And OJ was in the middle.
At one point we did totally break into another hotel's ballroom to try to get some more group shots.  And there was a piano there, so of course Ryan had to show off.  And then we got escorted out of the ball room by security.

I look pregnant in this picture.  Sadly I was not actually pregnant.  

Yoouuuu My, Brown-Eyed Girl.

Then picture time was over and everyone headed over to the venue to watch Lauren and Ryan say I Do.

Another picture of people walking around in the rain with umbrellas.
Everyone crossed their fingers that Ryan would be better at tying the knot than he had been at tying the bow ties.

Although OJ volunteered to step in if once again, Ryan couldn't perform.

That's not even a ring OJ, that's a fucking cookie in a box.
Luckily Ryan did just fine.  Though if he doesn't start letting me have babies STAT, I may have to take OJ up on the offer of "little brown babies" he made me on my birthday this year.

So that's all for now, I'll get to the ceremony and the reception on Monday!  But I'll leave you with some more gratuitous wedding photos.  Because this is my blog and I can do whatever I want on it.















Fifty Shades of Lauren Rae

Hello My Blogstalkers!

First a couple of random things.  I finally joined Instagram.  Follow me at LaurenFilingJointly if you dare.  Also, if you haven't seen it, I posted an update to my post about The Bloggess/Pony Danza below.

Anyway.

I really really wanted to get a post up today, because, let's face it, it's about time. 

But I'm sitting here (and by here I totally do not mean my desk at work) wracking my brain and just can not come up with ANYTHING remotely entertaining, so I googled about a bit and found a list of random questions that I will now answer for you.

OHMYGOSH aren't you so excited?

Yeah, me neither.

(If you want to complete the same questions on your blog, let me know and I'll link to your post!)

1. What is your best friend's Mom's name? Anita.  And I have no idea why anyone would ever anita know this.  Oh GOD Lauren, A PUN?  This is already starting out so badly.

2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole?  So, probably because of my very pale skin, I am like covered in moles.  I have a couple of weird ones on my scalp and I had to get one on my back removed because my bra strap rubbed against it and made it bleed all the time and then random people on the street would be like "Um excuse me miss, your back is bleeding."

Also, my aunt Kathi, who used to babysit me a bunch when I was younger has a son that's like 12 years younger than me and a couple of years ago when Alex (her son) was like 14 she was all "Lauren you won't believe it, Alex has a mole on his butt in the exact spot you have a mole on your butt."  And I was like "Never tell me that again."

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?  I can honestly say I never ever had a crush on any of my teachers, but in 7th grade tons of girls had a crush on our Geography teacher.  One girl even had elaborate plans to ask him to the 7th grade dance and used to giggle with her friends about it constantly like "What do you **giggle** think he'll say **shriek**? while I sat in my chair in the corner thinking "I am almost positive he'll say no."

4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? Not that I remember...I have cried, fallen asleep and had someone sneeze all over the back of my neck though.

5. What body part do you wash first?  Head and shoulders, knees and toes (knees and toes), Head and shoulders, knees and toes (knees and toes), eyes and ears and a mouth and a nose, head and shoulders, knees and toes (knees and toes).  That's all the parts right?



6. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms? Depends.  I would like to hover all the time, but I have really really bad balance and falling on the floor or into the toilet in a public washroom seems way worse than the alternative.

7. What's the strangest talent you have? I am never going to be able to explain this.....I have really long arms and I can like...wrap them around my head and neck all weird.  It freaks people out.

8. Do you have an innie or an outtie? I have an innie of a completely normal depth.  Ryan on the other hand, has like the deepest belly button EVER.  I can fit my entire pinky in it.  Sometimes when he's not paying attention I like, stick pencils and things in there.  He does not enjoy this.

9. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? I honestly haven't eaten Pringles since like junior high when my friends and I tried to decide who would be the best kisser by who could fit an entire pringle in their mouth without breaking it.  Other good kisser tests included tying a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue and trying to unwrap a Starburst in your mouth.

  Sidenote: Anyone remember this Pringles commercial?



10. Have you ever been tied up? Ok, so yes I have been tied up.  But not for like sexual reasons.  I just had too much sugar at a birthday party once when I was younger and was being really hyper and annoying so my friends overpowered me and tied me to a fence with a jumprope and then left me there and went on with the party. 

11. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? My mom grounded me once for lying and saying I was staying at my friend Alice's house and then actually just hanging out with Ryan until the wee hours of the morning.  (We seriously were playing video games and drinking Sprite, like I'm not even kidding.)  But then my mom had to go to Florida with my sister for Cheerleading Nationals and she must have neglected to tell my dad I was grounded, and I for sure wasn't going to tell him, so it definitely didn't stick.


Yeah.  You know the Taylor Swift song that's like "She wears short skirts, I wear tee shirts.  She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers"?  That was totally my life in high school.

12. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I don't drive much, both because of living in a big city and because of how I included "chaffeur duties" in Ryan's marriage contract but when I do, I am a TERRIBLE parallel parker.  At our old place I would get to our spot in the garage and then call Ryan and tell him the car was ready to be parked and please bring me some juice, I am parched.

13. Have you ever had two dates in one night?  Unless you count all of the times I was going on a date with Ryan and then OJ came with and then when Ryan help one of my hands, OJ tried to hold the other and get us to skip off into the sunset with him, no.

Sidenote: One of the times this happened was on my wedding day.

14. How many times have you been cussed out?  I don't think ever?  I could totally be mentally blocking it out though. 

15. Which shoe do you put on first?  I really didn't know the answer to this (though I assume the right one) so I took off my shoes and tried to put them back on to figure it out, but then I was thinking too much about the whole thing, so I couldn't really trust that what was happening was natural.  So I took off my shoes again and walked a little down the hallway, so I could approach my shoes in a more normal fashion and then my boss came out of his office and saw me standing barefoot in the hall and I panicked and for some reason shouted "It's after five!"  So there's that.  Also, I still don't know what shoe I actually put on first.

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar?  I have been to two gay bars.  One in college, because it was Ryan's fraternity's pledge night and they made the pledges go on a scavenger hunt and one of the places they had to go was a gay bar.  And someone had be there to see that they had actually shown up and for some reason that task fell to Ryan.  And then again just about a year ago when one of Ryan's very good friends from college and his fiance were visiting.  Another one of Ryan's (straight) friends came with us that time and was really disappointed that no guys offered to buy him a drink.

18. Girls  This is not a question.  Just want to have fun.

19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common? Seeing as I have been dating Ryan since I was 17, I really have only had like..two love interests.  Thing they have in common: one or more of their sweatshirts/pairs of socks/tee shirts/pajama pants have been stolen by me.  What? Boy clothes are comfy.  Girl clothes are entirely too confining.

20. Did you French kiss before you were 16? Nope. Seriously, was big nerd in high school.

21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?  No.  Cow-tipping is mean.  How would you like if if you were just sleeping in your own bed and then suddenly you woke up on the floor with a couple of drunk cows hovering over you, mooing in amusement.   You would feel fucking scared right?

22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep? Ryan.  Usually in a "I really wish Ryan would stop snoring so loudly so I can fall asleep" capacity.

23. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? Sort of.  My friend Jenni in high school was dating this boy Greg who was in a band and we used to go see their shows at the local coffee house and one time they were like "This is a new song" and then it started out as a normal song about a boy named Justin until they part were they were all "He had a girlfriend, her name was Lauren, She should've been nice to him," and I was like "That is not fucking cool GREG."

24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash?  I have a better question.  Would you rather have a car run over your feet or have someone bonk you on the head with rubber mallet?  Oh neither you say?  Exactly.

25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable? My mom spent most of the 80s pregnant.  She has some maternity clothes that I question were ever in style.  Also, one time she had Twilight on her night stand.

26. What was your childhood nickname? My middle name is Rae.  My aunt Robyn called (and still calls) me Rayban.  My dad called me Yiddy Rae Rae for reasons completely unfathomable to me.  I didn't complain though because my siblings had it way way worse.  One of my sisters was Schmookie, one was Schnagel Bagel (I have NO idea) and my brother, when he was really little, depending on what was in his diaper was either Pierre Whizzy or Pepe LePoo.  Oh and sometimes my sisters Nicky and Clarke were Clicky and Nark.  They used to argue about who had to be Nark.

27. When is the last time you played the air guitar? I don't play the air guitar.  I play the air piano.  And sometimes the air violin when Ryan is being melodramatic.

28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? Peeked, no.  Walked into it on accident on my first day at a new gym, yep.  Boys scream like little girls when startled.

29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?  Again, I don't drive much, but once I did hiccup really hard and smash my head into the seat rest which in turn bounced my head forward into the steering wheel.  During my driving test.

30. Have you ever bitten your toenails? I can't believe I have to answer this question in the affirmative.  I was very little and in gymnastics and my squad was trying to see who was the most flexible....ugh.

31. How do you eat your cookie? I prefer savory snacks.  Sometimes I sing this Wiz Khalifa song but with the words changed to "Cheese and Pickles, Cheese and Pickles."



32. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? Like for fashion?  Definitely.

33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others. I turn on music and pretend like I'm filming music videos, choreographed dance moves and moody gazes out the window and all.

36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? I find it hard to count whilst imbibing alcoholic beverages.  If I had to guess though, furve.

37. Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? ::sigh:: Yes.  How else am I going to know if Ryan is lying when he blames bad smells on the dogs.  I hate this questionnaire.

38. How often do you clean out your ears? Every single ever-loving day.  And my doctor has noticed and complimented me on it.  You should be jealous of how clean my ears are.

39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? Depends on if I have time to be fancy.  When Ryan isn't shouting at me to hurry up because I have a habit of always needing to run to the bathroom as we are leaving the house, then I actually make origami cranes.

40. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie?  Huh.  I have never thought to count, isn't that surprising.

41. Do you have any strange phobias? I'm actually like terrified of balloons.  They've made me cry in the past.  I almost didn't make it through Sorority Rush in college because on the final night the sorority I was rushing had filled the room with balloons and I was pretty hysterical about it.  I assume the reason I got accepted as a pledge in the end was only because my cousin Carly was currently Sorority President.

42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Not that I recall.  I'm sure my mother will pop in and remind me.

43. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? I was at a bar with Ryan and my friend Kim once and I got up to go to the bathroom and the heel of my shoe got stuck one of the rungs on the barstool and I completely faceplanted onto the floor of the bar.  I wasn't drunk AT ALL but it took a lot of convincing and nose-touching and STEP-BUMP STEP-BUMP-BUMPING to make the bouncer believe it.




44. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted?  Once on a girl scout trip I put a bunch of fruit salad (the kind in the syrup) in a ziploc bag and then put it in another girl's pillow case on a dare.  It turned out badly.

45. Have you ever called your love interest by an ex's name? Definitely not.

46. Have you caught a guy/girl farting while on a date? I'm married, so, you know, yes.  He can't blame it on the dogs while we are on dates.  Though once he tried to blame it on a passing dog.

47. Have you ever played naked Twister? Definitely not. 

48. Have you ever been drunk at work? Not at my current job, but in college there were some mornings that I may have still been a little drunk from the night before at my internship.

49. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? Nope.

50. Do you want to bring sexy back? What a stupid question.  Sexy is already back.  Justin Timberlake brought it.  And I was there.



Wow, so that ended up being a really long post.  I'm really impressed if you've made it this far.  I apologize for boring you to tears.


UPDATED: Hay I Just Met You, And This Is Neigh-zy, But Here's My Rear End, Purchase It Maybe?

Good Day to You, Blogstalkers.

First, if you're coming here from The Bloggess, then welcome!  Second, if you're not coming here from The Bloggess, then Hi Mom!

So yeah, you're probably here because you saw Jenny's post about how I sponsored half of her beloved Pony Danza.  The ass-half, let's make that clear right now.  Because ever since a petting zoo pony tried to eat my braid when I was little, the teeth-ends of those things scare the crap out of me.

Yes.  I much prefer the crap-end.

My money has gone to good use today.

Like seriously, THIS is why I suffer through the everyday mundane of the accounting world.  So that when an opportunity like this arises, I can jump at it, I can use the money I've earned depreciating office furniture and pretending to reconcile bank statements while actually secretly watching Downton Abbey on my iPad, toward something that, let's face it, is bigger than me, something IMPORTANT.

Via Top Hat Taxidermy.

Cue Kelly Clarkson's "A Moment Like This."
 

So, as you can tell, it's been a good day.  A very very good day.  Such a good day in fact that I decided I needed something to commemorate it.  And since Ryan said I couldn't print and frame the photo of Pony Danza's better half, to hang on the wall by our bed, I decided instead to purchase this:



Seller: kadaland ( 685 )

Item Title
Price
Shipping Price

Qty
Item Total
Brown Standing Horse Realistic Taxidermy Replica Figurine Furry Animal Racing ( 130670233775 )
Paid on Jul-17-12
$21.99 Free
1
$21.99
USPS First Class Package
Estimated delivery: July 21, 2012
 



Subtotal $21.99




Total $21.99

A very miniature (like 21") version of Pony Danza made (in a humane manner, I checked) of goat's hide over a molded form.

He is going to live on my desk during the moments he is not trotting off to terrorize Ryan.

Now he just needs a name.

Tiny Danza maybe?  Any other ideas?

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go.  I am a very busy accountant and my lunch break is over and I have to go research possible ways to write-off pony butts on my next year's tax return.

But if you've got some time to kill, check out my Popular Posts on the sidebar.  My husband especially enjoys the stories of all the times he tried to ruin Christmas.

UPDATED

Tiny Danza is heeeerrrrreee!!

He was left on my doorstep today.  I got home from work and saw the package and scooped it up and hugged it to my chest and whispered "You're home little one."  And then I swear I heard a sweet little horse-voice from inside the box whinny "Hold Me Closer, I'm Tiny Danza."  So I did.

And then I went inside and ran up four fucking flights of stairs only pausing for breath three times.

The next house I get is totally going to be a ranch.  OHMYGOSH and then I will have real horses.  And Ryan and I can race them down to the crick on Sunday afternoons and I will win because Ryan is crap at riding horses.

Hi I'm Ryan.  Do you like my hat and backpack?  They match.
OH! And we could make homemade pickles so I would never again have to endure the horror that was The Great Pickle Shortage of February 22nd, 2004, when Jewel was out of my brand of pickles and Ryan wouldn't drive to another Jewel because it was "like twenty miles away and and it's snowing."

There are SO many reasons to move to a ranch.

I am letting the plot get away from me here...

So anyway, I ran up ALL the stairs to find Ryan (who had totally gotten home before me and left Tiny Danza to fend for himself in the wilds of our front step because "I'm never touching that thing or the box it came in.  Plus it's not like it was going to like, canter away into the sunset.")

And I ripped open the box and pulled my horse out and hopped around in tiny circles and Ryan sighed and went back to his 3-D movie about sharks.

And then I made Tiny Danza kiss Ryan right on the mouth.  And Ryan let out a high-pitched lady sound.

And then I felt sort of bad, because Ryan had been wearing 3-D glasses when I launched the kiss attack, so he probably for a second thought a giant horse was going to eat his head or something.

That's how those 3-D glasses work right?

So I apologized like the meek, rule-following wife that I am and went downstairs to do a Tiny Danza photoshoot.

Such gleamy haunches!  Such shiny flanks!

Such a flowing mane! Such strong withers!  Such masculine fetlocks!
He also looks a little perpetually pissed, which just thrills me to no end.  Because he and I are going to be participating in countless capers together in the coming days and I'd feel bad hanging an innocent looking horse from the ceiling right in front of Ryan's face while he's sleeping, just before I neigh loudly into his ear.

Oh and if any of you are wondering just how big Tiny Danza is, here is your answer.

Here is Tiny Danza next to a small dog, for scale purposes.  This picture was taken right before one of them tried to eat the other.  Bad Tiny Danza!

Now I must go.  I have a lot of things to do this Friday night.  You know, escapades, gambols, high jinks, monkeyshines, revels, tomfooleries, and the like.

Have a Great Weekend Blogstalkers!



I Have To Go To A Work Meeting RIGHT NOW. No Time For Titles.

I woke up with a chest cold today Blogstalkers, so forgive me if this post seems like it was written by a somewhat cranky person who is currently surrounded by cranky coworkers tired of saying the words "Bless You."

The fact that I somehow acquired this cold is actually really bumming me out.  I feel like the universe hates me.

It's all like "Oh you spent the weekend breathing fresh air and spending time with the people you love the most and eating delicious healthy homemade meals?...It seems to me like that warrants some sort of ailment."

And I am like, "Yes I was aware you thought that stupid universe, which is why, I assumed, I am covered in sunburn and mosquito bites."

But apparently that just wasn't enough.

I am not kidding about my weekend either., here is a small photo-tour.

Stop grinning at me you two.  You spent all day yesterday with me, which means you are almost definitely going to get sick soon. (I'm sorry about that in advance.)


Homemade Beet Gnocchi
Homemade Prosciutto Mozzarella Pizza

 
















Fresh Baby Octopuses.

Crepe and Macaroons for Bastille Day

Like I didn't even misbehave myself one time this weekend.  I wore jammies and watched the innocent Disney movie Tangled.  If I knew I was going to end up on my death bed at the end of it I definitely would have at least TP'd Ryan's house or something.

Then I could have woken up today, realized I had, what at this point I'm sure can only be yellow fever, and been like "::sigh:: Karma."

But no. 

I mean, I rescued A SPIDER from certain me-stepping-on-him death this weekend.  I should have woken up to breakfast in bed and work being canceled and cupcakes and rubies raining from the heavens.

The front page of the newspaper should have said "Breaking News, Justin Timberlake Dumps Jessica Biel And Sets Off On Quest To Find Love Of His Life, Someone That Will Share His Love Of Gouda And Accompany Him To The Jungle On A Monkey-Petting Trip.  He Is Starting In Chicago.  Girls That Shave Their Legs On A Daily Basis Are Girls He Is Not Interested In Meeting."

I'm just saying, me waking up sick instead, it's totally whack.

I'm totally stomping home, taking a shot of Jack Daniels and putting on the movie Scarface after work.

But moving on.

As you can tell by the above, I did a bit of cooking this weekend.  Saturday was homemade beet and potato gnocchi with fresh beet greens and arugula and shaved parmagiano reggiano cheese.  And Sunday was fresh mozzarella and prosciutto pizza on homemade crust.  My sweet lovely Ryan was in heaven.

He was so excited about the pizza that he was loitering about the kitchen while I was cooking, which was fine...until he started scrutinizing my cooking methods.  (I would like to mention at this time that I showered JUST before I started dinner and I washed my hands again before I started dinner and I NEVER cook like this if I'm throwing a dinner party or even making Vanessa dinner or something.)

Ryan: Did you just dunk two of your fingers into the jar of tomato sauce and then lick it off?

Lauren: Erm...ummmm...yes.  I was trying to be seductive, did it not work?

Ryan: Like not even a little bit.  It worked even less than the time that you tried to do the whole 'Bend And Snap' thing in front of me and fell forward and hit your face on the ground.

Lauren: I must have done it wrong then.  But you know what they say, If At First You Don't Succeed And Crap.  Dunks fingers in sauce again.

Ryan: I don't know what detail you think, about this vision of you, covered in sauce, wearing only one sock and the glasses the dog chewed on is going to be seductive to me.

Lauren: These are my cooking glasses RYAN.  They can't get more ruined.  I don't even care if they fall into a pot of soup while I'm leaning over it stirring.

Ryan: I swear to god if I ever find out you've served me soup with glasses floating in it I'm going to...

Lauren: (interrupting) You're going to what? Stop letting me cook you dinner every single night?

Ryan: (Opens and closes mouth like a dumb fish a couple of times and then leaves the kitchen.)

Lauren: (mutters) Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish, as my Grandmother would say.  (Gets on with making the pizza.)

Ryan: (Five minutes later, has wandered back into kitchen without Lauren noticing.)  Are you seriously taking a bite out of like every slice of mozzarella cheese you cut.

Lauren: I think you need to start wearing bells around your neck like the dogs.  I can't have you surprising me like this all the time.  And yes, as you have so astutely noticed, I am taking a bite out of every slice of cheese, but it is not for the reason you imagine.

Ryan: That if there is cheese in the room it is almost impossible for you not to throw your mouth at it?

Lauren:  Correct, it is not for that reason.  I am checking for POISON.  I am taking an active role in managing your health and welfare.

Ryan: First, this is not the middle ages.  Second, if you take such an active role in managing my health and welfare then how do you explain what happened this morning.

Lauren: You'll have to refresh my memory.

Ryan: You clipped an effing clothespin on my ear lobe while I was sleeping!

Lauren: That was an experiment! I wanted to see if it would make you dream about lobsters!

Ryan: I don't know why I ever try to reason with you.

Lauren: I don't know why either, you always lose.

Ryan: (Goes upstairs to play video games, various shouts and whoops ensue.)

Lauren: Pizza is ready!

Ryan: (coming downstairs) I just saved the Vice President's life.  I would make an excellent Secret Service agent in real life.

Lauren: (looks pointedly at Ryan's bare chest) Even I will admit that you are unrivaled at being under-covered.

Ryan: I left my shirt upstairs.  I was trying to be seductive, did it not work?

So that, Blogstalkers was my Sunday.

And this "cough sneeze hack cough bang head on desk" is my Monday.

Le Sigh

How were all y'all's weekends? (OJ, stop rubbing off on me THIS INSTANT.)

P.S. I'm totally blaming the clothespin/lobster incident on Heather from Like A Cup Of Tea, because she has been tweeting me "threatening" to come visit and bring a tub of Maine Lobsters for like three days.

Leave me a comment please? I have Dengue Fever and my doctor said, when I called her just now, that comments are the only medicine.


 

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