And I was like NO. That did NOT just happen.
But it turns out it totally did happen.
So I had to rewrite the entire thing. Which brings us to today.
If you're new here, I suggest you start with How Ryan Met Lauren Part 1, How Ryan Met Lauren Part 2 and maybe take a quick peek at The Engagement and then if you're not too dizzy and/or horrified, come on back here.
Oh you're back? You must be crazy. But whatever, let's move on.
Ryan proposed March 27th, 2010. Ryan and Lauren got married December 11th, 2010. Let's reminisce shall we?
Lauren (that's me, for some reason I always write these posts in the third person) had always wanted a Winter wedding. She daydreamed about soft snowflakes and twinkling holiday lights and about how all the bees would be dead because Winter is too cold for fucking bees.
Unfortunately, upon waking the morning of the wedding and running to the window of her fancy hotel suite, there was nary a snowflake in sight. At least Lauren assumed this was true. She couldn't positively say that it wasn't snowing because it was pretty hard to see anything through all of the rain.
Luckily Lauren is a hard girl to flap, so she took a deep breath, gave the rain her middle finger, then apologized to the rain because she is a lady and middle fingers have absolutely no place in fancy hotel suites, and trekked downstairs to get some coffee.
A short time later the hair and makeup girls showed up and whipped Lauren into shape. It was surprisingly painful. Like side-burns-waxing painful. Lauren didn't even know that was a thing.
|It was the happiest day of my eyebrows' lives.|
And then Lauren's sister Jordan, the Main of Honor was like "Ryan is so lucky he gets to marry you."
And Lauren was like "I know. I wonder what he is doing right this second."
Later she found out that at right that second Ryan was panicking back at their condo, surrounded by groomsmen and ushers because no one knew how to tie a bow tie and he hadn't actually learned how to tie a bow tie like he had told Lauren and there was no one to tie the bow ties.
So he called the tux place and they actually had to send an associate over to our home to tie all of the dumb boys' ties.
|OH! So you TIE it into a BOW? Wow I was way off.|
It took twenty minutes and three bridesmaids to get the dress on.
|I am saying a little prayer in my head right now. Oh Dear Lord, Please Let This God Damned Dress Fit.|
|This is a grimace, not a smile.|
|Vanessa is definitely thinking "I TOLD her a Quesadilla Wedding Diet wasn't a thing"|
|This is when I shouted "See Vanessa! I CAN eat a quesadilla for every meal for a week and still fit into my dress! You were wrong to doubt me and wrong to try to take away all of my quesadilla-making ingredients."|
|This is looks like glamour, but really it is me not being able to breathe or sit on a chair like a regular person.|
|This looks like glamour but really it is me being like "Oh look, my shoulder is sweating."|
They should really let you wear your dress around for like two days before buying it. Because those things can be HEAVY and HOT and underneath her dress Lauren was like, covered in sweat.
Soon Ryan and company arrived at the hotel and it was time for Ryan and Lauren to do their "Reveal." The moment they saw each other for the first time.
|Why is her back so sweaty?|
|At this point I got nervous and as I turned around I said "It's Me!" and Ryan was all "I kind of thought it would be."|
|He was glad it was me.|
|At this point I was thinking "After today, no one can think I'm a slut if I get pregnant."|
After the Reveal, it was on to group pictures. Unfortunately, it was still raining cats and dogs and bats and frogs and gnats and hogs and rats and logs.
And since all of the bridesmaids were newly beautified, it was decided that the original plan of getting pictures of everyone out and about in Chicago would need to be changed. So they took some pictures inside and some pictures outside, (but still under the hotel's awning) and then released everyone to the party bus.
|Stop looking so happy OJ, it's not YOUR wedding day. It's MINE. I mean, mine and Ryan's.|
|Rain Rain, Go Away, Come Again Any Other Fucking Day.|
We released everyone to the bus except OJ that is.
Because of the rain, OJ was in charge of being my Man of Honor. Which meant that he had to keep me dry and my dress dry and my wrap dry while he and Ryan and I traipsed about the city.
|He's VERY handsome and loves the Batman movies and lies about his height.|
|When we first got engaged, I wanted to get married at the Harold Washington Library, which is gorgeous. But Ryan said no because he thought I'd "sneak away and read books."|
|And then the photographer was like "Look Drunk!" and we totally pulled it off. (I swear I didn't have a drink until 11pm when the photographers left.)|
|A picture of us walking around in the rain with umbrellas.|
|Another picture of us walking around in the rain with umbrellas.|
|Last time OJ was visiting, I went to bed by myself while the boys stayed up talking. When I woke up there was a Lauren, a Ryan AND an OJ in my bed. And OJ was in the middle.|
|I look pregnant in this picture. Sadly I was not actually pregnant.|
|Yoouuuu My, Brown-Eyed Girl.|
Then picture time was over and everyone headed over to the venue to watch Lauren and Ryan say I Do.
|Another picture of people walking around in the rain with umbrellas.|
Although OJ volunteered to step in if once again, Ryan couldn't perform.
|That's not even a ring OJ, that's a fucking cookie in a box.|
So that's all for now, I'll get to the ceremony and the reception on Monday! But I'll leave you with some more gratuitous wedding photos. Because this is my blog and I can do whatever I want on it.