I was going to say Happy Monday, but then I remembered that Mondays are terrible and not, in fact, even a little bit happy (as evidenced by the fact that I stubbed my toe on the way to work today and for some reason shouted "Ships passing in the night!" when I did it.) I have never said that before. I have never even thought that before. Just more proof that my brain works completely independently of the rest of my body.
And then some lady totally laughed at me like right in my face and I thought "Well if this day wasn't ruined when I smacked myself in the face with the shampoo bottle this morning, it's definitely ruined now," and thought about just turning around and going home and curling up in my bed with my dogs and a bowl of cheese soup (which Ryan insists is really cheese dip, but I'm not buying it.) But then I remembered that I have Sexual Harassment Training at work today, so I continued on to the office.
I want to mention at this point that I have Sexual Harassment Training today because I was hired in the last year and all new hires have to complete it, not because I sexually harassed someone. I would never do that. At least not on purpose. Because let's be honest, if I told you I had to go to the training because I had tripped last week and accidentally grabbed someone's breasts to prevent myself from falling, you would all just nod your heads and say "That does sound like something you would do Lauren."
But enough nonsense, let's move on to the actual point of this post.
I am looking for a new best friend.
::Disclaimer:: This post is a joke, Vanessa will remain my BFF for all eternity because she does awful things like help me move and wonderful things like listen to me cry A LOT.::
I have found out recently that Vanessa has never read the Harry Potter books and has only been able to keep up with my conversations about Hogwarts because she saw the movies after they came out on DVD.
And yes, I was able to forgive her for punching me in the face but this, is just... you know...unforgiveable.
It's heart-wrenching, that's what it is.
So she has been demoted to second-best friend until she reads all seven of the Harry Potter books and successfully completes the exam I have constructed. I have made sure that many of the multiple choice questions cover things not featured in the movies and one of the essay questions is "Develop this thesis in length: Compared to the books, the Harry Potter movies are utter bungholes."
Sidenote: I totally LOVE the Harry Potter movies, just LOVE the books more.
So all of that is going to take Vanessa quite a bit of time and as I can not go BFF-less for that long (because who other than a best friend would listen to me prove that I can indeed perform the entire rap in the song Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls complete with gangster hand gestures while wearing a blindfold?) I have also constructed a Be Lauren's Temporary Best Friend No Zombies Allowed application.
You hear that zombies? No applying.
So please take the time to fill out this application if you have any interest in being my new best friend and receiving text pictures of my stubbed toe with the caption "Does this look infected?"
Poor Vanessa, she's going to be so miserable without me.
Serious Applicants Only. Vanessa Need Not Apply.
1. Please take an ordinary word and think of an awesome new way to say it. For example, I call toilet paper tail-napkins and actual napkins face-paper.
2. Prove that you have read the Harry Potter books. Possibly by sending me a picture of you sitting next to your well-worn copies of the books. Or just by saying you have read the books. I am very trusting, that is how Vanessa managed to hoodwink me for so long.
3. Do you like cheese? (This is a sort of a giveaway question as the answer can be both yes and no. Because if you do like cheese then we can have lengthy conversations in which we laud the merits of different kinds of cheese and if you don't like cheese then I get to eat all of your cheese when we go out to eat.)
4. Would you play a game with me that I like to call "Quack Quack" which consists of you duck-walking across the room quacking whilst I shoot rubber bands at you to improve my aim?
5. Do you like to iron other people's clothes?
6. Have you ever agreed with Mr. "No I Will Not Bring You A Shower Milkshake" (aka Ryan) while reading this blog? If so, when? (Sometimes he is right.)
7. That is all.
So submit your applications posthaste as I have a feeling people are just going to clamoring to be my new best friend.
Because who wouldn't want to be friends with this girl?
|This was taken on our honeymoon. Ryan is one lucky ducky.|
Lots of Love Blogstalkers!
Oh and I'm sorry for not posting Friday, I'm still working on figuring out how to have OJ interview Ryan and I on Skype or something, we totally ran out of time this weekend. It'll happen at some point.
UPDATE: Natalie, who writes The Barnes Daily Circus blog has just about got the much-vied-for title of BFF in her grasp with this picture sent to me via email. (LaurenRaeGallagher@gmail.com)
And Megan dressed up like Dobby for a Masquerade Day at her camp. Which is totally awesome.
Competition is stiff Blogstalkers. There's no telling who'll soon get to be my Temporary Best Friend and console me when Love In The Wild gets canceled.