Before You Came Into My Life I Missed You So Bad, I Missed You So Bad, I Missed You So So Bad.

OMG it's me!  Sorry for taking a sabbatical of sorts.  I was very busy ignoring the boxes that still need to be unpacked and that added to my daily tasks of singing Carly Mae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" at the top of my lungs and trying to convince Ryan that I'm mature enough to have a baby left me with absolutely no time at all to post.

Here is a video of me singing that song.  OJ (Ryan's best friend) obviously likes it too.  Also, yes I do get the words a bit wrong and yes I know I'm not the loveliest singer that ever lived.


Here is another picture of OJ, specifically requested by both Sarah in the comments (apparently he makes her eyes smiley) and OJ, to make up for the ridiculous video.  He also wants me to explain to you that this video is entirely my doing as I was shouting things like "Jazz Hands OJ!" and "Jazzier OJ!" "Now pretend you're the girl singing the song."  "No I'm not filming this, flip your hair!"

He's single ladies.  And a superb dancer.  He's like an Indian David Boreanaz with a sweet Southern accent y'all.
Anywho, Saturday was one of my very best friend's wedding.  And she asked me to read at the ceremony.  Not just any reading, an original reading.  "Oh and make it funny," she said.  Which is when I fainted a little bit.  Upon being revived, I agreed to the (to me) daunting prospect and then promptly smushed it to the back of my brain, telling myself that I had MONTHS to think about what to do.  

Fast forward to two weeks before the wedding.  Apart from bits of jokes and some truly awful one-liners, I had almost nothing.  It was then that I admitted to myself that I would probably never be a stand-up comedienne. 

I said to myself, "Self, you've got to stop trying too hard to make everyone roll around on the floor in giggling fits and just be you."  And that's when I finally came up with the below.  So on this beautiful (at least in Chicago) Memorial Day, enjoy this tribute to sweet lovely Julie and her handsome husband Caleb.

I love you dear friends.  Now please stop being so beautiful.

Eight years ago, not far away, there lived a shining track star.
At a meet his life was changed, for that is when he saw her.

He thought:
Someday I want my babies to have that beautiful complexion, 
so he ran really fast in her general direction.

She said her name was Julie He was Caleb (last name) and,
if it was ok with her, he'd like to hold her hand.

That's fine, she said, but nothing more.  For I am a lady.
So he grabbed her hand and took her on their first date rollerblading.

Things progressed from there, I won't bore you with the details.
From two different colleges they wrecked their parents' phone bills.

And in time their family grew, they think back this on fondly.
Remembering when they brought home a ball of fur named Blondie.

The ball of fur in question.

After graduation, at last living with each other,
Caleb made a big decision, so truly did he love her.

He bought a sparkly diamond and got down on one knee.
Julie, he asked nervously, Will You Marry Me?

Of course you know that she said yes, and wiped away a tear.
With just one word a future set, and that brings us to here.

A newish wife myself, I can't offer much advice.
Some predictions though, I'll attempt to be concise.

First to dear sweet Julie, the most beautiful of brides.
Let me paint a picture, some visions I'll confide.

You will walk the dog early in the morning,
while Caleb presses snooze and resumes his blissful snoring.

You'll be the one to plan all parties, sports leagues and events.
Lack of clean underwear, you'll act laundress to prevent.

It is you who'll lead the dancing when the song is loud and fast.
After all you have exuberance and dance moves unsurpassed.

Julie's Bachelorette Party

With your keen eye you'll have the role of interior designer.
But you'll sigh and let your husband purchase that recliner.

It's you who'll soothe the babies at three twenty-eight AM.
But at five 'o' clock you'll hear more cries and push Caleb out of bed.

Speaking of you Caleb, such a dashing groom.
Here is a hypothesis for life after the "I Dos".

You'll have the task of checking out odd noises in the night.
And all the creepy crawly things, it will be your job to smite.

You'll also have to tackle dinner and work thinks electronic.
And please be a dear, pour the drinks.  She'll have a vodka tonic.

You will have to face your friends if Blondie should attack them.
And when other men hit on your wife, it's you that has to whack them.

If you are ever ill dear Caleb, Julie will play nurse.
In exchange for this, on shopping trips, you'll gladly hold her purse.

You'll take charge of DVRing shows like The Bachelorette.
And hanging things that's up to you, on walls made of cement.

Now I'm sure you think it's mad, this future I've foreseen.
But I have one more prediction and on this we'll all agree.

You two will be so happy, almost sickeningly so.
Through easy times and hard ones, your love won't cease to grow.

You'll hold hands and live, the happiest of lives.
Julie with your husband and Caleb with your wife.

I hope that I've been helpful in my convoluted way.
I'll stop talking now and let you have your day.


I Also Have A List Of Foods That Shouldn't Exist And A List Of Stores That Don't Like When You Pay With Only Change

Good Afternoon lovely Blogstalkers.

It's time for another riveting tale in which I cause grievous and embarrassing self-harm.  (You can find the first post in this series here.)

Now sit back if you will and let me spin you a fanciful (but completely true) yarn.

The year is 2001 and I am a junior in high school.  A veritable seventeen year old goddess with hair down to my butt and cream cheese smeared on my forehead.  I am taking five AP courses as well as an e-period, which is an additional class students at my school could take at 7AM.  I was not required to take this class nor did I need the extra credit to graduate.  I just really liked school.  And I was a really good student.

Sidenote: I was a really good student that is, until I started dating Ryan and turned 18.  Then we started signing ourselves out of school and going to eat egg rolls at the mall.  I missed a lot of class the last couple of months of senior year.  One time I missed an important exam and the teacher handed it back the very next day and said I couldn't make it up since I could technically get all of the answers from another student's test.  So I burst into tears and she let me make up the test and brought me a can of 7-up (the uncola) to drink whilst doing it.  I got my first B second semester senior year.  All because of nincompoop Ryan.  I will never forgive you for that B in Physics RYAN.

 But moving on.

All of the advanced placement classes and the early classes and the staying after school for Science Olympiad and Scholastic Bowl and then going home and doing homework for five hours eventually took its toll.  I was exhausted, a virtual zombie.  My mom tried to get me to stay home from school for a day or two and get some sleep but I refused.  Why would I rather sleep than go to school?  Please MOM.  It's like you didn't even know me.

I wandered bleary-eyed through my days.  Answering questions and taking pop quizzes by rote.

Then one day my weary body completely betrayed me.

It was just before lunch in Spanish class.  I chose a seat at the back of class because I was already fighting to keep my eyes from slipping shut and I didn't want to suffer the close scrutiny of my teacher.

I tried my very hardest to stay awake.  I pinched my arms and bit the insides of my cheeks.  But it was all to no avail.  I couldn't even hold my head up and so I rested my chin on my hand, elbow on the desk.  I must have drifted off.

I awoke to a shockingly loud noise.  It was the sound of my head slipping off my hand and smashing into the top of my metal desk.

I was in the back of the class so the only students that had actually seen what had happened were the ones sitting to either side of me.  But everyone else of course had turned to see what had created the booming noise that was still echoing about the classroom.

"Oh umm sorry," I squeaked.  "I uh dropped my book on my desk."

"No you didn't," says traitorous classmate and no-longer-friend number one.

"Yeah we saw, you totally just slammed your head into your desk," intoned the goober that forever will hold the top spot on my "People To Snap With Rubber Band" list. (Or at least until my 10 year reunion.)

"That is ridiculous," I started to say, but was interrupted.

By my nose.  Because it had started to bleed.

It was like an upside-down-blood-volcano had erupted.  It was horrifying.

"It's in my mouth!" I sputtered.

Then I ran out of the classroom to the bathroom to deal with my bloodied nose and my bruised ego and also my, it turns out, bruised forehead.

I heard so much laughing as I exited.  It was extremely inappropriate.  It was like no one was concerned for my well-being.  They're all lucky I survived.

I considered not going back to class but in my rapid flight from the room I had unfortunately neglected to grab my lunch that I now remembered contained a Little Debbie StarCrunch.

So I tried to slink back in.  With absolutely no luck.

And that, Blogstalkers is the story of the only standing ovation I have ever gotten in my life.

(And I played Annie in a production of Annie and dyed my hair red and sang my butt off.  That audience was a bunch of jerks obviously.)

People To Snap With Rubber Band

The Humongous TattleTale from the Junior Year of High School Desk Incident

The college professor that asked me "Are you for real?"

Whoever took the last carton of eggnog in the grocery store out of my cart while I was sampling deli meats on December 21st 2009.

Jessica Biel for obvious reasons.

My current boss for asking me yesterday in front of the whole Board if my shoes were on the wrong feet.  (In his defense they were.  In my defense they are flats that normally hurt my feet so I just thought that was the reason for all of the foot pain I was experiencing.)

My old boss who told me they were giving pudding away for free in the cafeteria when they totally WERE NOT. (It seems she had made a bet with another coworker about how long I would wait before going to the cafeteria after she told me that.)

Stephenie Meyer and whoever wrote Fifty Shades of Grey.  Self-explanatory.

The girl at the cupcake store for just standing there and letting me eat a mini cupcake that I thought was a free sample but turns out was a dog treat.

The lady at the optometrist's office who said "Oh! Your ears are all uneven.  The left one is like an inch higher than the right!"  (Which I already knew from, you know, seeing myself in the mirror every single day of my life.  But thanks for pointing it out.  And it's like 3/5 of an inch max.)

The little boy that laughed at me at the aquarium last year when I got told to stop petting the glass at the penguin exhibit.

There are so many more...

So that's all for today Blogstalkers!  Do you have any tales of high school woe?  Who would you include on your People To Snap With Rubber Band list?

We Don't Even Have A Chimney RYAN.

Just a couple of random thoughts on this beautiful Chicago Wednesday.

 - First, if you follow me on Facebook you might already know this but Ryan is not currently talking to me because yesterday when I saw that he was outside talking to the new neighbors I grabbed my pink umbrella and ran outside and handed it to him.

"Here darling," I said.  "You've forgotten your bumbershoot and it looks like rain."

Then I kissed him on the cheek and ran back inside.

- Second, last week I got into my SECOND accident in a taxi in the last month.  I was relatively uninjured but did smash my elbow on the window pretty hard and am now sporting a fantastic bruise.  I thought about calling in sick with a "black elbow" but decided that would be ridiculous.  Not unlike me, but ridiculous all the same.  Plus I remembered that I'd left half a cinnamon roll in my desk drawer.

Ryan says this is a sure sign that I should not take cabs any longer.  I say it is a sure sign that I am temporarily crippled and thus unable to aid in the unpacking of all of our boxes.
 - Tertiarily (which blogger is telling me is not a word), whilst packing, I found a really old Mother Goose poem book that must have been one of my grandparent's.  Then I got sidetracked from the packing and instead read extremely sexist and hilarious poetry for the next hour.

Ryan took this picture (a bad one obviously) of the top poem and sent it to all his single friends.

Here's another example:

Ice cream, a penny a lump!
The more you eat, the more you jump.
Eeper, Weeper, Chimney sweeper,
Married a wife and could not keep her.
Married another,
Did not love her,
Up the chimney he did shove her!

The next day Ryan and I had to go to Home Depot to purchase more moving supplies and in the check-out line I suppose I was chattering on about everything and nothing like always so Ryan turned to me and said "Please be quiet, or when we get home, up the chimney I will shove you."

Then he remembered we were in a crowded store. 

I'm rubbing off on him.

That's all for now Blogstalkers!  Have a marvelous evening!

I Live In Chicago. Blue And Orange Totally Match Here. We BLEED Blue And Orange Here. Well Not Really. I Know This Because I Got A Papercut Today And My Finger Definitely Bled Red.

Yes I know I promised all sorts of comments and emails and such this weekend, but instead I had to pack my entire house in one day all by myself and then move the next day all by myself (with the aid of two burly mover guys.)  And then I had no internet at the new house. 

And also I was busy digging through every single box I packed to try to find even one Left-Foot-Shoe.  Because apparently I packed all of the Right-Foot-Shoes in one box and all of the Left-Foot-Shoes in random other boxes.  (I finally found one inside one of my pots in a kitchen box.  Done judge me, packing in one day is HARD.)

So that is the story of how I am wearing an orange dress and blue shoes to work today. (It was hard to find work clothes too as I used my clothes to wrap up all of my dishes and picture frames and things and thus they were also scattered amongst random boxes.  Yes I have heard of newspaper/bubblewrap why do you ask?)

It is also the story of why I didn't announce my giveaway winner until right now.

So without any further ado.

ADO (Look! It's a further ado, you were totally tricked by me, admit it.)

Congratulation are in order for:

Yes, of course I'd want you to sign it! And I do love that pissed off little rattler.

So Merrymac, send me your address to and I'll send off the book/Bitey.  Please take sort of good care of him.  Like seriously try not to coddle him too much.  I'd really prefer that he stay evil and fang-happy.

The Return Of Five Things Friday. For One Friday Anyway. I Make No Promises About Future Fridays.

First,  just wanted to mention, we got the keys to our new place today!!!!!!!  I'm SO excited.  Moving this weekend!!!!! Yay!!!!!  Exclamation points!!!!!

So there's an interesting post idea that's been making the blog round lately. 

"Things I'm Afraid To Tell You"

It just sort of encompasses the idea that one's blogging self and in-real-life self aren't necessarily the same person.  I try to keep it pretty real on my blog.  (Having like almost literally no shame whatsoever helps a lot.)  But of course there are things I haven't mentioned.  Things I have deliberately skirted around in my posts.

And for the purpose of letting you all get to know me a little bit better, I thought I'd discuss a few of those things here today.  This is a serious post.  I'm in a serious mood today.

1.  I used to lie compulsively.  About EVERYTHING.  I lied about serious things and ridiculous things.    Ryan used to have to say "Don't listen to her, she lies," whenever I told someone something that was not true.  One time I claimed I could speak fluent Italian to my manager at Banana Republic.  Then a couple who could only speak Italian came into the store and I was summoned to help.  It was really bad.  Five or so years ago I decided enough was enough and made myself stop.  Every time I lied about something, I pinched myself really hard.  I don't lie anymore (except to Ryan about inconsequential things like what I ate for lunch and if I went to the gym and how much money I spent on assorted nuts.)  I'm really ashamed about how much I used to lie.  But I'm also really proud of myself for doing something about it.  It's a conundrum.

2. I read the first two books of the Fifty Shades of Grey series.  I HATED the first one, but I have this thing that I have to finish any book I start, so I persevered.  I don't normally read erotic fiction so to get through some of the more descriptive sex scenes, I had OJ read them aloud to me at the pool in Dallas, which just rendered them ridiculous and comical.  It's probably weird that I had my husband's best friend read me erotica while lounging by a pool.  When I finished the first book, I whipped it across the car, thankful I was done with that shit.  And then for some reason I read the second one.  During lunch at work on my computer so Ryan wouldn't know.  Because he will make fun of me for this.  I HATED the second one just as much as the first.  I have no idea why the hell I read it.  I won't read the third.  I think.  (Reading this book at work was weird and brought to mind how I used to secretly read Sweet Valley High books in elementary school and then hide them behind the piano so my mom wouldn't know.)

3.  In college I was really really poor.  So poor that sometimes I couldn't afford my birth control pills (they were $7) until like a week after I had finished the last pack.  And when I did have the pills, I was REALLY bad about taking them at the same time (or honestly at all.)  I don't know why I wasn't more responsible about this, it really bothers me now.  The thing is...I never got pregnant.  That, coupled with my history of ovarian cysts, makes me worried that I won't be able to get pregnant whenever Ryan finally notices that babies smell really good (well sometimes) and decides having one around wouldn't be the worst thing ever.  I'm worried about how I'll react if I can't have babies of my own.  It's the number one thing I've wanted since my brother was born when I was like 10 and I secretly pretended he was my baby.  I'm not a very strong person.  I think it would break me.

4. You all know I love cheese.  What you don't know is that I shouldn't be eating it.  Cheese (well really dairy of any sort) makes me really really sick.  Because I am lactose intolerant.  This is not a hypochondriac thing, I've done the tests and been diagnosed and everything.  I completely and totally ignore this.  I eat dairy every single day.  It's not good for me and I feel terrible a lot.  But I can't give it up.  It's my comfort food.  I had a cheese enchilada for lunch.  I might throw up soon.  Seriously.  Fettuccine Alfredo is the worst.  Ryan absolutely refuses to let me eat it.  The combination of the cream and the butter and the cheese can keep me in bed crying for five or six hours.  When he's at the lake for the weekend I eat Fettuccine Alfredo and then go to bed and cry.  I am messed up.  My doctor says my allergy could get worse with time and that at some point I might not be able to eat dairy without using an epi-pen.  I said "good thing I already have an epi-pen for the bee allergy then huh?"  She was not pleased.

5.  My battle with depression started freshman year of college, but looking back I'm pretty sure anxiety was an issue for me even as a child.  I used to have to watch, every single day, from my bedroom window, my mom leave for work (at like 6am), until her car rounded the corner and was gone.  And then I couldn't go to sleep unless both of my parents were home.  And every night I checked every single nook and cranny of my bedroom for murderers before going to bed.  If I left to go to the bathroom, I had to do it again or I couldn't sleep.  I routinely checked under both my and my sister's dresser.  There was an inch of space between the dressers and the ground.  I also was always pretty sure I was going to be abducted by aliens.  Planes flying over at night made me hyperventilate while waiting for a beam of light to shine through my window and pull me away.

So there you go.  You probably won't read my blog any more.  I wouldn't blame you.  Yikes.

Are you keeping any secrets blogstalkers?

If you do the same post on your blog, leave me a comment with a link and I'll include it in this post.

Sweet lovely people (check out their five things)
Captain Dandelion (she comments as 'Just Call Me Captain')

Scientific Facts I Just Made Up

Jennifer Parker - Writing Cramp

The Knit Geeks Blog

Things That Would Probably Get Me Fired At Other Jobs.

Morning Blogstalkers.

First, if you haven't yet, enter My Giveaway.  It ends at 12:00AM CST tomorrow (Friday). 

Sorry for the long delay in between posts.  It turns out it's hard to have a full time (currently very crazy) job, pack your entire home, run a blog and sympathize with a husband who's just "stepped on something sharp, it felt like glass." 

It was a piece of dog food by the way.

So I've had nary a second to sleep much less write a blog post.

The utter lack of sleep is making me VERY tired.  So tired that I actually (like seriously almost word for word) had this conversation with someone at work, that we will, for the sake of anonymity, call "My Boss".

(And just so everyone knows, I totally understand the slang definition of the term 'nooner' I was just pretending I didn't know the word already existed in this conversation.)

Lauren: You know, I was thinking...

MB: (Interrupting) Here we go again.

Lauren: Oh shush....oh crap, I mean please sir may I continue?

MB: If I said no would you actually just go back to your desk?

Lauren: I would not.

MB: Continue.

Lauren: Would it be totally unreasonable if, today, let's say around noon, I took a short nap under my desk?

MB: Oh Ha Ha.'re serious?

Lauren: As a monkey having a heart attack.

MB: Ok..well I think in this case the answer would be yes, it would be totally unreasonable.  It would reflect badly on the company.

Lauren: It would only reflect badly on the company if someone saw me.  And I would make sure to sort of wedge myself behind the trash can and recyling bin and then scootch my chair in all the way.  Plus think about how goodly it would reflect on the company when I'm all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to take the accounting world by storm this afternoon.

MB: Still no.

Lauren: But it could be like the next hot new trend in awesome offices, and we would have started it.  It would be in the paper probably.  We'd have to patent a name for the lunchtime-under-the-desk-nap though....Hmmm....What do you think of "Nooner"?

MB: So you want to get this company in the paper because we've started the hot new trend of allowing 'Nooners'?

Lauren: **mumbles something** **busy writing**

MB: What are you writing?  Are you taking notes on this ridiculous conversation?

Lauren: What? No.  That would be utterly ridiculous.  I was just writing down something sage you said earlier in the day before I forgot.  **Thinking SHIT, was totally taking notes on this conversation for later blog usage, please please don't let him ask to see the notes.**

MB: Alright, well I think you can go back to your desk now.  Not to sleep under it.  To work.

Lauren: We will revisit this topic in the future.

MB: I assumed.  Oh and Lauren?

Lauren: Yes?

MB: Please start a list of words that I'd like you to not say in the office ever again.  Let 'Nooner' be your first entry.  And actually, for good measure, throw 'monkey' on that list.

Lauren: I'm not sure I can work here any longer.

MB: You can use the word 'monkey' on Fridays.

Lauren: Deal.  It's been nice doing business with you.

MB: I'm not sure that's what we've been doing, but ok.  Now journal entries please.

Lauren: Anything you say sir.  I am clay in your hands.

Lauren: .......I will add the phrase 'clay in your hands' to the list.

I LOVE my job.

So what's new with you Blogstalkers?  Any words or turns of phrase that you've been favoring lately?  Maybe to the disgruntlement of the people around you?

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