OMG it's me! Sorry for taking a sabbatical of sorts. I was very busy ignoring the boxes that still need to be unpacked and that added to my daily tasks of singing Carly Mae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" at the top of my lungs and trying to convince Ryan that I'm mature enough to have a baby left me with absolutely no time at all to post.
Here is a video of me singing that song. OJ (Ryan's best friend) obviously likes it too. Also, yes I do get the words a bit wrong and yes I know I'm not the loveliest singer that ever lived.
Here is another picture of OJ, specifically requested by both Sarah in the comments (apparently he makes her eyes smiley) and OJ, to make up for the ridiculous video. He also wants me to explain to you that this video is entirely my doing as I was shouting things like "Jazz Hands OJ!" and "Jazzier OJ!" "Now pretend you're the girl singing the song." "No I'm not filming this, flip your hair!"
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| He's single ladies. And a superb dancer. He's like an Indian David Boreanaz with a sweet Southern accent y'all. |
Anywho, Saturday was one of my very best friend's wedding. And she asked me to read at the ceremony. Not just any reading, an original reading. "Oh and make it funny," she said. Which is when I fainted a little bit. Upon being revived, I agreed to the (to me) daunting prospect and then promptly smushed it to the back of my brain, telling myself that I had MONTHS to think about what to do.
Fast forward to two weeks before the wedding. Apart from bits of jokes and some truly awful one-liners, I had almost nothing. It was then that I admitted to myself that I would probably never be a stand-up comedienne.
I said to myself, "Self, you've got to stop trying too hard to make everyone roll around on the floor in giggling fits and just be you." And that's when I finally came up with the below. So on this beautiful (at least in Chicago) Memorial Day, enjoy this tribute to sweet lovely Julie and her handsome husband Caleb.
I love you dear friends. Now please stop being so beautiful.
Eight years ago, not far away, there lived a shining track star.
At a meet his life was changed, for that is when he saw her.
He thought:
Someday I want my babies to have that beautiful complexion,
so he ran really fast in her general direction.
She said her name was Julie He was Caleb (last name) and,
if it was ok with her, he'd like to hold her hand.
That's fine, she said, but nothing more. For I am a lady.
So he grabbed her hand and took her on their first date rollerblading.
Things progressed from there, I won't bore you with the details.
From two different colleges they wrecked their parents' phone bills.
And in time their family grew, they think back this on fondly.
Remembering when they brought home a ball of fur named Blondie.
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| The ball of fur in question. |
After graduation, at last living with each other,
Caleb made a big decision, so truly did he love her.
He bought a sparkly diamond and got down on one knee.
Julie, he asked nervously, Will You Marry Me?
Of course you know that she said yes, and wiped away a tear.
With just one word a future set, and that brings us to here.
A newish wife myself, I can't offer much advice.
Some predictions though, I'll attempt to be concise.
First to dear sweet Julie, the most beautiful of brides.
Let me paint a picture, some visions I'll confide.
You will walk the dog early in the morning,
while Caleb presses snooze and resumes his blissful snoring.
You'll be the one to plan all parties, sports leagues and events.
Lack of clean underwear, you'll act laundress to prevent.
It is you who'll lead the dancing when the song is loud and fast.
After all you have exuberance and dance moves unsurpassed.
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| Julie's Bachelorette Party |
With your keen eye you'll have the role of interior designer.
But you'll sigh and let your husband purchase that recliner.
It's you who'll soothe the babies at three twenty-eight AM.
But at five 'o' clock you'll hear more cries and push Caleb out of bed.
Speaking of you Caleb, such a dashing groom.
Here is a hypothesis for life after the "I Dos".
You'll have the task of checking out odd noises in the night.
And all the creepy crawly things, it will be your job to smite.
You'll also have to tackle dinner and work thinks electronic.
And please be a dear, pour the drinks. She'll have a vodka tonic.
You will have to face your friends if Blondie should attack them.
And when other men hit on your wife, it's you that has to whack them.
If you are ever ill dear Caleb, Julie will play nurse.
In exchange for this, on shopping trips, you'll gladly hold her purse.
You'll take charge of DVRing shows like The Bachelorette.
And hanging things that's up to you, on walls made of cement.
Now I'm sure you think it's mad, this future I've foreseen.
But I have one more prediction and on this we'll all agree.
You two will be so happy, almost sickeningly so.
Through easy times and hard ones, your love won't cease to grow.
You'll hold hands and live, the happiest of lives.
Julie with your husband and Caleb with your wife.
I hope that I've been helpful in my convoluted way.
I'll stop talking now and let you have your day.
