I Met The Bloggess And Now We Are Best Friends. Obviously. Sorry Vanessa.

Good afternoon lovely blogstalkers.

So yesterday this happened.

And then glitter rained from the skies and unicorns and leprechauns danced a celebratory jig.

I'll have a 'meeting Jenny Lawson/hanging out in Dallas' post for you next week, but to end this week on a high note, I am doing a completely unscheduled giveaway.

I probably shouldn't be doing another giveaway right now seeing as I have yet to send DeDe, who won the last giveaway her prize.  And I have yet to explain to Stefanie who won the giveaway before that, what all of the crazy things in her package even mean.  And I have like ten tentacles just waiting to be boxed up and distributed around the country. (Everything is ready to be sent/explained this week, seriously)

But I'm doing it anyway.

Because Jenny Lawson is awesome and signed like a gazillion books for me (Ok so like three, but still.)

And one of them is this one:

"Nice To Sort Of Meet You Blogstalker"  --Jenny Lawson

So just leave a comment to get this sent to you in the mail.  If you want (which I'm assuming you won't) I'll totally sign the book too.  Or like sign a bookmark and put it in the book.

And because I think that one item does not a giveaway make, I will also include my friend Bitey (inspired by this Bloggess post.)

He's not very friendly but he is excellent at annoying husbands.
I like to place him on Ryan's chair before dinner.  And then when Ryan sits down and immediately pops back up I say "What's wrong with you?  Sit on a rattlesnake or something?"

I'm going to miss the little angry dude.

Oh and I know I'm behind on other things than just giveaways/tentacles.  All unanswered comments/emails will be taken care of this coming week as well.  Don't despair of me blogstalkers!

Hearts from Dallas!

I Got Hate Mail Today! I Have Made It As A Blogger! Ryan Don't Read The Next Sentence. Am Quitting Job To Stay Home And Blog!

Hey Blogstalkers!

So I knew today was going to be a bad day when I saw a dead bird on the way to work.  But I didn't know just how bad it was going to be.

How bad you ask?

Actually, not that bad.

Definitely not as bad as the day that I got my YouTube privileges revoked at work because I accidentally sent SOMEONE IMPORTANT videos of cats doing ridiculous things.

And not even close to as bad as the day my best friend punched me in the face.  (Vanessa has submitted to me her rebuttal by the way, complete with additional photos of that fateful May day, so I should be posting it soon - although we all know the word 'soon' doesn't mean too much around these parts.)

What happened was this.

I humiliated myself at work.  Is anyone surprised?

Here are the deets (that means details if you're not hip like me and didn't know.)

I know I've mentioned before on this blog, that I have like crazy ridiculously long arms. 

Like I can reach things on the tippy top shelf at the grocery store easily. 

Like I can dust the top of our kitchen cabinets without clambering onto a chair or the counter.  Do I often do this?  No.  Have I ever done this?  Not even one time. 

But anyway...the point I'm trying to make is that my long-ass-arms are usually quite helpful and probably would have given me an obscence amount of grace if my mom had ever thought to enroll me in ballet classes as a child.  Thanks MOM.  I definitely would have been a famous show-stopping dancer by now.

Sidenote: Things Ryan would say if I read that paragraph aloud: "Long-ass-arms? What are Ass Arms LAUREN?"  and "Oh you're still a show-stopping dancer alright."

But today, my arms rebelled.  Well the right one did anyway.  I'm still on good terms with 'ol Lefty.

Let me paint you a picture.

I decided upon arriving to work today to finally get some of my filing done.  So I checked my email, filled my water bottle, ate six m&ms, caught up on this blog (which is hilarious, she's not even paying me to say that), emitted a couple of dreamy sighs while thinking about how clean my desk would be after all the filing was done (so much more room for wind-up animal races!), and then started filing.

Our filing cabinets are five drawers tall with the lowest one basically sitting on the ground and the highest one being at about eye level for me.

I just happened to be half-crouched-half-bent-over filing something in the very bottom drawer when I heard someone about to turn the corner behind me. 

Mental Dialogue With Myself

"Oh bad, whoever that is, is going to turn the corner and the first thing they are going to see is your butt just sticking all up in the air right in their face. You really need to do something about this."

"Ok....quick, grab those files from the ground and stand up."

"Very goooooooo....What the? What is?  NO sweet Mary Jesus in a pony tree NO"

"Shit, act sensible, maybe he did not see you just STEP ON YOUR OWN HAND AND FALL OVER SIDEWAYS DIRECTLY IN HIS PATH"

"I really hope I didn't say the pony tree thing out loud."

Out Loud Dialogue With Work Colleague

L: Oh hello, having a nice morning?

WC: Are you alright?

L:  Oh yes, just, you know, some early morning yoga.  Gets the work juices flowing.

WC: I don't think that's yoga.

L:  Just help me up please.  And please don't tell **my boss** about this.

L: And please also don't tell him I used the term 'work juices'.

WC: My lips are sealed.

Ten Minutes Later

Boss: Oh hey Lauren, I've been meaning to ask you, did you have a nice trip?

L: What? I didn't go anywhere, thats THIS weeken....oh crap.

TADA!!  That's my embarassing story of the day.  Tune in almost any other day of my life for another version of the same story.

Oh also, I got some ridiculous hate mail today and considered posting it here with a reply but decided against it.  If you're friends with me on facebook, I posted about it a little bit there.  If you're not friends with me on facebook, why the eff not?  Am I not good enough to be your friend?  Click that button at the top of my sidebar immediately!! (Or don't, that's fine too, I'll still love the crap out of you for reading.)

See Ya Later Alligators Blogstalkers!

Oh and quick favor, I need to submit a couple of my "funniest" blog posts for something that is currently a secret (no I'm not writing a book, I can barely write a blog) so if you have a favorite post can you leave a
quick comment and tell me which one it is?


In Which I Get Lazy And Repost Entries From My Wedding Blog. Also My Effing Neck Is Killing Me Today. Probably Slept On It Wrong.

Holla at ya Blogstalkers.  (Ok I totally cringed typing that but I'm going to leave it for 'keeping it real and ridiculous' purposes.)

I've been sort of at a loss for posting ideas lately.  Which makes total sense seeing as how I've been blogging for the astronomically long period of time that is ten whole months.

Well actually...I've been blogging a bit longer than that.  Because I had a different blog I kept while Ryan and I were engaged and planning our wedding.  And most of you wouldn't have read any of those posts since I didn't "know" you yet and thus you weren't invited to my wedding/given the wedding website address which housed the silly blog.

Sidenote: If Ryan and I ever decide to do something lame like renew our vows and shit then you're all totally invited.  And for once I will have more guests on my side and some of Ryan's friends won't have to sit on my side out of what Ryan says is "pity" and what I say is "secretly liking me better."

But moving on, I have decided to share with you the posts I wrote starting from when we got engaged and leading up to our wedding day.  It's not all wedding crap I promise.  And the parts of it that are wedding crap are mostly the retellings of the ways Ryan almost ruined the wedding.

Hope you enjoy! Please keep in mind that I was younger and even more ridiculous and not a very good writer AT ALL when I posted these.  They are a much less polished version of my current posts.  If you're new here you might want to take a look at some of my popular posts (on the sidebar) before you read this entry.  It could scare you away.

Also, this entry ended up being like REALLY REALLY long.  So please feel free to skip entirely or to read it in portions over the next year or so.  Also, the spacing is weird...and I am too lazy to fix it.

June 11th, 2010

Six months and counting! This wedding is starting to seem very real to me. At nine months out it felt like I was never getting married. Probably because Ryan hadn’t technically asked me to marry him yet, but that is an entirely different story.

 One that I will tell right now. 

Once upon a time there was a boy named Ryan. Ryan was a very lucky boy because he had this amazing girlfriend named Lauren that made him delicious dinners every night and didn’t get mad when Ryan ate all of the soup that her sister had brought over for her while she was out with the dogs. It’s pretty clear that Ryan lived a very charmed life. In fact, he only had one small problem – his feet were always very cold. 

One day Lauren decided that she was tired of dealing with Ryan and his stupid cold feet and so she told him to stop being such a boy and maybe consider being a man and finally just ask her to marry him because if she had to go to one more wedding where she was not the bride very bad things were going to happen to Ryan. Lauren got her way of course, she always does. 

And now Ryan gets to continue living his charmed life and the only cold feet he has to worry about are Lauren’s, which somehow end up pressed against his back in the middle of the night every night. And he is deliriously happy, obviously. And Lauren is deliriously happy most of the time as well. It’s just that sometimes when she has to take the dogs out in the rain and come back upstairs to find her soup eaten and Ryan standing in the kitchen holding a spoon with soup all over his face; it’s hard to be happy. 

Moving on...

For those of you that want to hear the “real” proposal story – here it is – it’s kind of boring, I’m just saying. 

One bright Saturday morning in late March, Ryan made Lauren get up early, which she did not appreciate. She forgave him when he took her to get pancakes. She got mad again when he answered his phone at the table. She forgave him when her sister called a little later and she answered her phone at the table. She got mad again when they heard the song “All the Single Ladies” on the radio on the way back from breakfast and remembered that she wasn’t engaged. She remained mad until she got engaged.

But anyway, Lauren’s sister Jordan (who is the Maid of Honor) had called to ask if Lauren wanted to go shopping. She did of course. So Jordan came to the city and took Lauren shopping and persuaded her to buy a new outfit. It might not have taken too much persuasion. It might have been Lauren’s idea to buy a new outfit in the first place. Lauren might have bought more than just that outfit. But if Ryan asks, she’s had that dress for years; she just doesn’t wear it very much. 

While Lauren and Jordan were shopping Ryan was making plans. The call he had so rudely answered at breakfast was someone letting him know he could pick up the engagement ring. So he had to do that. He also needed to get a haircut, make dinner reservations and buy tickets to go see Beauty and the Beast – which is Lauren’s favorite musical of all time. Ryan prefers Billy Elliot. Oh, and he took the dogs to get haircuts – (I don’t think this had anything to do with the proposal stuff – I think they probably just needed haircuts.)

So Jordan finally brings Lauren home, maybe a little later than Ryan had hoped, maybe a little later than Ryan had told Jordan to get Lauren home when he asked Jordan earlier in the day to come downtown and keep Lauren busy. So Lauren had to rush around like a crazy person getting ready for dinner. It was fine though, she still looked awesome.
So then Ryan proposed – nothing fancy – (everyone who has heard the list of proposal rules I wrote for Ryan will be happy to know that he only broke one of them – because I’m pretty sure Jordan knew I was getting engaged before I did, and no body was supposed to know before me, but I forgave him (you must notice at this point that I’m a very forgiving person – which is important if you are dating Ryan – he needs to be forgiven like thirty five times every day.))

After Ryan proposed and Lauren said yes, they had to cancel dinner because they were pretty late as it was and Lauren had to call everyone she knows. It was fine though, because there were things that needed to be done immediately – like take pictures of the ring and text them to Lauren’s sisters. And then it was time to leave for the show. Which they did not end up seeing because Ryan had accidentally bought tickets for the matinee and not the later performance and the later performance was sold out. It was fine though, because there was a bar next door to the theater. So after a drink there, more ring pictures and phone calls, they headed home and drank champagne out of glasses that say “2009” on them. It was fine though, because Lauren remembered that now that she was finally getting married, she got to register for things like champagne flutes. 

Then Jordan and her boyfriend Jake came back downtown and everyone went to a bar and met up with lots of Ryan and Lauren’s friends. And everyone bought Lauren and Ryan shots of Jack Daniels. Which was NOT FINE because they had never eaten dinner and they had already had champagne. Lauren is pretty sure a good time was had by all. And when Lauren woke up the next morning, she was still engaged and it hadn’t all just been the worst joke of a dream ever. That honor still goes to the one time she had a dream that she was a really great singer and had like a huge boxful of puppies to roll around in while she sang beautiful songs. True Story. 

So that’s the engagement as Lauren remembers it. Ryan would probably make some small changes. But that’s too bad, because this is not his blog and artistic license does in fact mean that she can just “totally fabricate huge details.” 

More later! I know you’re excited
June 18th, 2010

176 days to go.  This was the week that I started sending out Save The Dates and worked on perfecting the website (I’m no website designer so please excuse its flaws.)  Jon thank you so much for your help! 

First, just wanted to mention a little something that happened this week.  I got a picture message at work from Ryan – the picture was of some guy wearing a Billy Elliot tee shirt and the accompanying text said “Isn’t this that tap dancer guy from So You Think You Can Dance.”  It was.  Ryan knows stuff like that.        

But on to a more important thing – a story about me and how I was awarded the game ball at Softball last week and how if there was such a thing as being awarded the opposite of the game ball that honor would have gone to Ryan.

So I’ve already mentioned in the Bridesmaid stories that Ryan and I play for an undefeated coed softball team on Sundays. Julie (bridesmaid) is the captain and Vanessa (bridesmaid) and Joe (groomsman) are on the team as well.  Needless to say, our team is awesome.  No one can beat us.  Not even when we only have eight people and half of them are girls and the other team is the second place team and has like fourteen people playing and for some reason is allowed to bat three boys in a row.  Because that is what happened this past Sunday.

The game started much like any other.  I was playing second base, Vanessa was in right field hopping around like an idiot singing “Party in the USA” to herself and Ryan was pitching.  The first three innings out he got killed.  The other team was either pounding the ball (not hard in 16-inch slow-pitch softball) or standing there waiting to get walked since Ryan could not throw a strike to save his life. – Seriously at one point I was all “Ryan I will kill you if you do not throw a strike.”  So he of course threw ANOTHER ball.  Let’s just write it up to my forgiving nature that he is not currently killed.   

The third inning FINALLY ended; score 6-3 bad guys (let’s call them the White Sox.)  Ryan batted in the top of the fourth and stuck out (nearly impossible to do in 16-inch slow-pitch softball.)  It was such a lame strikeout that the ump decided to count it as all three outs that inning and just like that we were back on the field…with a new pitcher…ME.  I was awesome obviously.  I was striking people out left and right and in between strikeouts I made awesome catches without even using my hands (for real once I caught the ball using my elbow and once I did the splits and then caught the ball in my hat – or maybe that one happened in a movie – I don’t remember.)

Anyway, we (let’s call us The Cubs) ended up winning the game 10-9, no thanks to my “amazing” fiancé.  If you sort of don’t believe that this story is entirely faithful – take this as proof – after the game when we all got in line Little-League-style and slapped each other’s hands and said “good game”, a number of people on the other team said “good pitching” to me instead of “good game” and NO ONE said that to Ryan.  I’m pretty sure someone even said “bad pitching” to him.  And it doesn’t matter if that person was me, it still happened.  

And then my team gave me the game ball and hoisted me onto their shoulders and carried me to the car singing “Go Cubs Go” the entire way.  

And then I drank a 32oz bloody mary and went home and iced my shoulder.

Wish me luck this week! (Although who needs luck when you have skillz.)  

July 9th, 2010
So according to my Macy’s registry – there are 155 days until the wedding.  I wouldn’t have known that otherwise.  It’s not like I have the number of days written in countdown fashion on every single day of both my planner and my work calendar.  And I never ever text my sister how many days are left.  And I definitely don’t make Ryan buy me a present (usually flowers) on both the 27th (the day he proposed) and the 11th (the day of the wedding) every single month.  That’s something a crazy person would do.  

Sidenote to Ryan:  Today is the 9th which means the 11th is Sunday.  Just thought you should know.  Oh and I moved the vases – they’re under the counter now.  Love You!

So the rest of the Save The Dates FINALLY went out this last week.  No thanks to Ryan.  Seriously, here is the top ten list of the things he did to almost sabotage them.

10.) Lauren: Asks Ryan to please send his friends an email asking for all of their addresses.
Ryan: Takes a nap, plays Doodle Jump on his phone, walks around the condo without a shirt on entirely too much, waits three weeks and then emails his friends.

9.) Lauren: Asks Ryan to please come with her all the way across the street to Walgreens to get the Save The Dates made.
Ryan: Throws a mini temper tantrum because this will entail him pausing stupid Doodle Jump, getting out of bed and actually putting on a shirt.

8.) Lauren: Has already typed and printed 100 of the 120 guests addresses and all of the return address labels and asks Ryan to please go down to the Business Center and do the remaining 20.
Ryan: Actually does what she asks but really turns out to be no help at all because he: 

Puts commas after most address components
EX: Mr & Mrs Ryan Gallagher
1234 Any Street, Unit 11,
Chicago, IL, 60610

Forgets that people’s wives are invited
EX: Mr Edward Doe & Family

Does not realize that nicknames are not real names
EX: Mr & Mrs Peach Doe

All but 2 of the labels Ryan prints will need to be redone.
7.) Lauren: Tells Ryan she will come downstairs with him and proofread all of his labels before he prints them incorrectly again.
Ryan: Throws a mini temper tantrum at the thought of having to do 18 more labels.  Types the labels incorrectly again, changes them to Lauren’s specifications, tries to print the labels, throws a mini temper tantrum when they do not print right away, smacks the computer in the Business Center.  Smacks it really really hard.

6.) Lauren: Mentions in the elevator on the way up from the Business Center that she will handle the guests’address labels because she is pretty sure Ryan will not be able to center them.
Ryan: Turns and gives her his evilest glare.  Then when they get out of the elevator he tells her to please stop talking to him WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE IN THE ELEVATOR.  This starts a small fight because it’s not like Lauren talked for more than three seconds and it’s not like she talked about bras or something.  The Save The Dates are postponed until the fight is over.

5.) Lauren: Asks Ryan to sit down with her and help stuff/label/seal the Save The Dates.
Ryan: Makes comment about how the lavender of the Save The Date and the lavender of the envelope do not match.  This sends Lauren into hyperventilations because she knew that they did not EXACTLY match but she figured no one would notice or care.  But if Ryan is noticing and caring then that means every single other person will notice and care as well.  The Save The Dates are postponed until Lauren realizes that Ryan only made the comment to bother her and possibly get out of helping with the Save The Dates.

4.) Lauren: Assigns Ryan the task of putting the stamps and return address labels on the envelopes because neither of those really need to be centered.
Ryan: Manages to put most of both on crooked and then pretends not to see that they are SEVERELY crooked when Lauren points it out.  She is forced to carefully peel off most of the labels and stamps and reaffix.

3.) Lauren: Assigns Ryan the task of putting the Save The Dates in the envelopes because really, how do you screw that up?
Ryan: Pays absolutely no attention to which direction the Save The Date is facing and cares not at all if when people take it out of the envelope it will be upside down and backwards and folded in half.

2.) Lauren: Wants to finish stuffing/labeling/sealing all of the Save The Dates in one go so that they can just mail them already.
Ryan: Needs to take a break to lay on the bed and play with his phone.  For three days.

1.) Lauren: Finally convinces Ryan that they really really have to send these out soon because his antics have already cost them like TWO MONTHS.  She assigns him the easiest task of all – sealing the envelopes.
Ryan: Decides he does not want to lick the envelopes so Lauren tells him to figure out a different way to seal them then.  Ryan does.  Shortly later, Lauren begins to smell some sort of terrible odor permeating the air around the kitchen table.  She looks over at Ryan who is sitting there happily sealing the Save The Dates with a kitchen sponge.

Lauren: “Where did you even find that sponge?  Does it smell bad?”

Ryan:  Without even having to stop and smell the sponge.  “Yeah it smells 
pretty bad.”
And that folks, was the icing on the wedding cake.  Ryan finally got his wish of not
having to help with the Save The Dates.  Lauren fixed all of the crooked labels/stamps, 
flipped/rotated all of the pictures, did smell tests on all of the envelopes that Ryan had already sealed and finished sealing those that he had not yet attacked with a sponge he found in the very back dark corner of the cabinet under the sink.  Then she pulled out her little kitchen scale and weighed each and every envelope to make sure that a picture had actually been put in the envelope before it was sealed.  Then she took them all down to the mailroom by herself and mailed them.  Because obviously Ryan could not be entrusted with even the simplest of Save The Date-related tasks.
And now Ryan and Lauren have moved on to other wedding responsibilities and when they are riding in elevators they stand silently with arms at their sides and eyes forward.  And when they are in their condo, Ryan now sometimes wears a shirt.  Because compromising is very important in a happy marriage.
Ok but seriously – if anyone gets a Save The Date that has crooked labels/stamps or smells sort of like old sponge – I really apologize.  I am pretty sure I checked and double-checked them all for alignment and bad smells – but you just never know.

November 21st, 2010
First, so many congratulations to my beautiful bridesmaids Julie & Oma on getting engaged since I last posted.  It’s lovely, I promise.  I absolutely can not wait to celebrate with you and Caleb and Brad.  Ryan can not wait either.  He adores weddings.  He wishes we could have two.

Second, please please forgive me for not having posted in a while.  I have been extremely busy catching up on Project Runway and desperately searching my head for more gray hairs (I found one the other day, it was NOT ok.)  Ryan said it looked more blonde than gray when I screeched and shoved my head in his face, but I really didn’t have any good reason to believe him, he had already lied once to me that day about eating the last string cheese.  

I suppose we have also been busy choosing and ordering invitations, tasting and disagreeing about cake flavors, trying on wedding rings, deciding on tuxes, fighting about dance lessons (Ryan really wants to take them, but I refuse – I am already an incredible dancer), and purchasing shower outfits online picking out shower outfits from clothes I already own.  Also, putting off wedding dress fittings for as long as possible and then trying to starve myself for two days before each one.   

So obviously there has been no time to update the blog.  Getting on with it though.  I thought I’d use this entry to tell you all a couple of interesting things that you may or may not already know about Ryan and I.

1. I am allergic to things that sting: bees, wasps, hornets, yellow jackets, you name it.  Which means whenever I see something that stings I FREAK OUT.  If I’m alone I just wave my arms wildly and take off running (this happens every single weekday when I have to walk past all of these horrible wildflowers both on my way to and from work.)  If I’m with Ryan I hit the deck, sidewalk, floor of the bus, whatever and admonish Ryan in a totally normal tone of voice to “KILL IT KILL IT GET IT AWAY FROM ME.”  For those of you that have read Harry Potter, my boggart would for sure be a giant wasp. Ryan’s, for those of you interested, would be a tiny little bird that couldn’t hurt a fly but for some reason he thinks has the ability eat him.

2. Sometimes I get accidentally scared by things like dragon flies, regular flies, pieces of dandelion fuzz, because I mistake them for things that sting.  There are no things that sting in the winter.  That is why I like winter.  Also, I am a little nervous about stingrays and jellyfish on my honeymoon.   

3. Ryan has a really hard time getting rid of clothes.  He has shirts from like seventh grade (no joke) that have holes in them that he still wears around the house.  He gets really agitated when I stick my fingers in the holes because he’s so afraid the shirt will become more hole than shirt and he will actually have to throw it away.  He also has clothes from years and years ago that he does not wear and has not worn in almost ten years.  And when I suggest maybe he cleans out his closet or the huge containers under the bed he: whimpers a little, picks out like four or five sweaters to get rid of, strokes their sleeves lovingly and whispers “goodbye old friend.”  Then he turns to me and asks “Do you think Michael (the ring bearer) would want these?”  And I have to gently reply, “No you idiot, they’re from Abercrombie circa 1999, nobody wants those.” 

4. Books are my vice.  And Borders was my enabler.  Until…a used bookstore moved in one half of one block away from us last winter and I started buying my books there because it was closer and cheaper than Borders.  So then BORDERS CALLED ME to see if I was ok because I had not been in the store for a while (it had been like 17 days).  Oh, and even though I don’t spend time at Borders every single day of my life anymore – I just received a letter with my new Platinum Borders Rewards Card and the announcement that I had earned a personal shopping day of my choice, 25% off of everything in the store.  Touché Borders, touché.  Now if they would just let me register there, my life would be perfect.

5. When Ryan was really little (right around the time we first met – when I still thought he had cooties) his parents would get him to behave in public by reminding him of the scene in Muppets Do Manhattan where baby Kermit the Frog gets kicked out of a restaurant for misbehaving.  “Ryan, you need to settle down and behave yourself,” his parents would say, “Do you want them to make you leave like they did Kermit the Frog?”  And Ryan would widen his eyes in fear and then act the perfect little gentleman, with only the occasional “ribbet”. 

6. The combination of my incredibly pale skin and my propensity to fall down, trip, bump into things, accidentally hit myself in the face with the shampoo bottle (this morning) means that I always always have bruises.  At least ten or twelve at any given time.  When I find myself the owner of a particularly lovely bruise, I usually take a picture of it with my phone and text it to my bridesmaid Vanessa.  Sometimes I take the picture with a coin of some sort next to the bruise for scale purposes.  Vanessa lives for these text messages.  She has never threatened to “block you from my phone if you do not stop sending me pictures of your collar bone/knee/inner thigh.”  

7. Ryan has the most eclectic taste in music ever.  A country girl at heart myself, I was ecstatic in high school to find out he also loves cowboys (their music I mean).  But he basically listens to everything.  On his “recently played” list: Joe Cocker and Motzart.  I recently made him download the new Katy Perry album and he is now OBSESSED with the song “Teenage Dream”.  I fantasize a little that it’s because when she says “You make me feel like I’m living a teenage dream,” he thinks of me and how I actually was his teenage dream at one point.  But deep in my heart I know that it’s just because he’s excited for the music video to come out so he can see Katy Perry sing “put your hands on me in my skin tight jeans” while dancing around wearing skin tight jeans.  Stupid Katy Perry and her beautiful blue hair.  At Christmastime, Ryan and his groomsman Pat (Peach) can be found rocking out to “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey and when riding in the car with Jordan’s boyfriend Jake, he enjoys the song “Rob Myself” rapped by the one and only Plies.  Ryan if you are reading this, buy some more damn detergent.  Seriously, we are running out.

8. This one is more of an anecdote than an interesting fact but I believe it is worth telling.  One time Ryan and I went to see a movie.  And in the middle of the movie he leaned over and asked if I wanted one of his Nestle Crunch Popables.  I was surprised because usually at movies we have an unspoken agreement that Ryan does not share his popables and I do not share my popcorn.  But I thought it was a sweet gesture so I nodded yes.  He leaned over to feed one to me and I though “why on earth is he trying to be so romantic all of a sudden, we are seeing The Last King of Scotland after all not some mushy chick flick.”  But I’ll take romance wherever I can get it with Ryan so I let him put the candy in my mouth.  And then I realized that he had already put this particular popable in his mouth and carefully and delicately bitten it all over so that it still looked like a normal piece of candy but exploded into a warm goo and saliva mixture once I tried to bite into it.  I almost cried.  No one knows how horrible that is until it’s happened to them.  And I couldn’t do anything about it because we were in a quiet movie theatre with lots of other people around.  So I just gave him this horrified look while he shook with silent laughter in his seat.  And now whenever Ryan tries to make me try any of his food I have to ask him if he’s chewed it first, which is apparently a question that makes people at nearby tables give you their own horrified looks when you are eating in a nice restaurant.

9. Whenever Ryan and I go out for breakfast I have to order water, coffee, juice and diet coke.  It drives Ryan crazy because usually I don’t even touch some of the glasses.  I don’t know why I do it.  Something about breakfast just makes me want to drink I guess.  Just like my job.

10. Ok last one.  Despite the fact that Ryan eats all of the string cheese and sometimes sits straight up in bed in the middle of the night and shouts “WHO’S THERE!?!”  he is still my most favorite person in the world.  

I won’t say more soon, because everyone knows that’s a giant lie.  But more at some point.  


Gossip Girl 

The Bride

Other Things On My Desk: One Windup Monkey, Two Windup Robots, Small Pink Glitter Tiara For Fancy Days, Cinderella Chapstick, Two Pictures Of My Dogs, No Pictures Of Ryan...Should Probably Mention That To My Therapist.

Good Morning Blogstalkers!!

Just had this conversation with someone at work. 

L: So I need to take Thursday and Friday off next week if possible.

Someone: That's probably fine, I'll check forecasting and see what we're expecting to happen those days.  Why do you need them off?

L: I am flying to Dallas.

S: Some sort of dinosaur convention?

L: What?  Why the heck?

S: You have like four dinosaurs on your desk, I just assumed you loved them.

L: I do NOT have four dinosaurs on my desk, TWO tops.

S: Shall we go count?

L: Yesssss....But first I need to run to my desk and make sure there aren't four dinosaurs on it and if there are then I need time to hide two really quickly.

S: You have the pink triceratops.

L: Yes, Pinky.  She makes realistic roaring noises.

S: Of course she does.  And then you have the new green T-Rex that you got in your Easter Basket.  Whose name I can now only assume is Greeny.

L: It is NOT.  That would be stupid.

S: What's its name?

L: (**thinking SHIT it's totally Greeny**) Umm Roger or something, I don't remember.

S: Ok.  And then you have the tiny wind-up dinosaur.

L:  Crap.  That's true.  But that's it.  Not FOUR.  Three.

S: True.  Three three-dimensional dinosaurs.  But now, if we're also counting stickers...

L: **whispers** five

S: Boom.

So yeah.  Turns out I have a secret love of all things dinosaur.

But I am NOT flying to Dallas for a dinosaur convention (this time.)  I am flying there to meet Jenny Lawson!!  That's right.  Shes' not coming to Chicago on her book tour, so I am going to her home state because I am a total creepy stalker. 

I have both tweeted her and left a comment on her most recent blog entry to let her know. 

She has not responded.

Because I am a total creepy stalker.

My husband thinks I am totally bonkers.

Lauren: The Bloggess is not coming to Chicago on her book tour.  I think I need to fly to another city to meet her.

Ryan: That's going a little overboard don't you think?

Lauren: Probably.  But when have I ever gone underboard?

Ryan: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.  Underboard isn't even a word.

Lauren: You're just upset you didn't make it up aren't you. (Remember how he makes up words?)

Ryan: Maybe a little.

Lauren: So you'll come with  me?

Ryan: Definitely not. 

Lauren: But I neeeed you for support. (And to carry-on my pool noodle.)

Ryan: Still no.

Lauren:  She's going to Dallas.

Ryan: I have changed my mind.  I will accompany you to Dallas.

Guess who lives in Dallas?

Lauren: You are so easily manipulated.  I am totally the boss of this marriage.

Ryan: Please LAUREN.  I got you to promise to never call me "Ry-Ry" again and to swear that you would stop wearing your orange sweatpants out of the house just by buying you a three month membership to the cheese of the month club.

Lauren: Yes but what you didn't know is that my orange sweatpants had developed a hole in an indecent place making them suddenly unsuitable to wear out of the house.  AND I had a backup nickname at the ready.

Ryan: They were always unsuitable to wear out of the house.  And I've asked you to stop calling me THAT as well. (**puts head in hands and mutters "how did this even happen to me"**)

Lauren:  It was luck.  You lucked out.  Marriage jackpot!  FOREVER.  I love you Monkey.

Ryan: Shit.

Lauren: **gives Ryan hug** Ohhh I've always wanted to hold a monkey.

Ryan: Get OFF of me.

So yeah, on April 26th I get to meet The Bloggess.  And probably become her best friend in the entire world.  Now I just need to figure out what to wear and what to bring her and what to say.

Suggestions are totally welcome.

You Win Some You Lose Some To Your Atrocious Husband Who Ruins Every Single Holiday

Hey blogstalkers! (I'm baaaack.)

Thank you all for your lovely comments and messages and emails.  I'm going to actually work on answering some of them in the very near future.

I'm starting to feel a little bit better.  I definitely still have my rough spots (commercials with babies in them continue to make me alternately throw things at Ryan and cry) but I haven't hyperventilated under my desk at work for like three days now.  So, improvement.

I hope everyone had a very lovely Easter/Passover/Normal Weekend.

Mine was going well.

Until Ryan ruined it.  (He tries to ruin ALL the holidays, as evidenced HERE, HERE and HERE.)

First, he told me that I couldn't wear my bunny ears into his aunt's house for dinner.  And then he said "while you're at it maybe try to do something about your regular ears as well."

Second, he ate SO MUCH HAM and then wouldn't stop rubbing his stomach and groaning and complaining about how he ate too much ham.

But I could have dealt with those two things.  Especially since my mom and dad made me an Easter basket that contained, among other things, a magic wand, a small wind-up dinosaur for my collection at work, and Disney Princess chapstick.

Until THIS happened.

Upon arriving home from all of our Easter visits, Ryan informed me that since felt so bad about trying to ruin Christmas, he had devised a special Easter surprise for me.  Because "I know how much you love holidays."

L: Not ALL holidays.

R: Right, of course I meant all holidays except for the Fourth of July.  Which you don't like because your dad used to light really loud fireworks in the field by your house randomly in the week leading up to the Fourth of July.

L: They were more like atomic bombs than fireworks.  And you never knew when he was going to do it.  I was ALWAYS on edge.

R: I have heard this story one million times.

L: And one time he lit those little red popping firecrackers in his car while he was driving and then threw it out the window at my car, which was driving directly behind him.
My sister and I argue about which was scarier: The firecracker incident, or the the time the bird flew in her car and its wing touched her face.

R: And we can't forget the year you were at your grandparent's lake house for the fourth and were wearing your bathing suit and got a fish hook stuck in your butt cheek.

L: What the hell!? 

R:  Yeah your mom told me about that one.  But moving on, I have made you an egg hunt.

L: Really?  That doesn't seem like something you would do.

R: Yes really, I did it while you were in the shower this morning.  There are twelve plastic eggs.  And they all have prizes in them.

L: **squeaking and flailing about**

R: Once you stop THAT you can start looking.  But you can't open any of the eggs until you've found them all and some are really well hidden.

L: Oh please you're terrible at hiding things.  There's probably one in your toiletry kit because you still think that's the best place to hide things from me.

R: Will you just look.  I don't know why everything with you has to be such a production.

L: I'm an actress Ryan, my life is a production.

R: You played 'The Mayor Of The Munchkin City' in The Wizard of Oz when you were like ten, that does not make you an actress.  If you don't start hunting right now, you can not have any of the prizes.

**Looks for eggs**

**Finds eleven eggs in fifteen minutes because Ryan is terrible at hiding things** 

**Finds last egg in Ryan's toiletry kit** 

**Spreads all eggs out on coffee table**

**Opens first one egg and then all of the other eggs (saving purple egg for last because she is sure that is where Ryan would put a ruby if there was one included in this egg hunt) to find...**



















Divots from the grass outside our building that has just been aerated.

Pieces of DIRT.


R: **Giggling like stupid monkey** I got the idea while walking the dogs.

L: Are you KIDDING ME Ryan?  This is despicable.  Don't say this is genius because this is rotten and horrible and awful and mean-spirited and

R: Genius.  For consolation purposes I will watch Game of Thrones with you tonight.

L: Fine but I am fast-forwarding the naked parts.  You are going to get no pleasure out of this viewing.

R: No deal.

So yeah, THAT was my Easter.  Ugh.

Except that's not everything...because later I had to forgive my despicable husband...because he bought me the purse that I've been coveting.  The one about which I sent both an email and a tweet to Marc Jacobs, asking him to send it to me for free.

I told him to be America's Next Top Model.  He would NEVER win obviously.

AND, there was one purple plastic egg inside.

Which I opened to find...

An aerating divot.

Lots of love blogstalkers!!  From me and my holiday-almost-ruining husband.

I told him to make an Elf Face.  This is what he did.

Thoughts on Anxiety and Depression

Hey blogstalkers.  First I want to apologize for not answering any of the facebook messages/comments or blog comments or emails or tweets you've all been sending my way.  I had to retreat for a while.  This isn't a funny post so if you're new here feel free to just skip on ahead.

If you follow me on facebook you already know I'm dealing with some mental things.  This is as close as I can get to explaining my life right now.  I haven't done a very good job of it.

Some days I wake up feeling alright.

Most days I don't.

Most days I take an unnecessary shower so I can cry without Ryan hearing me.  Because he has enough to face without adding a mentally sick wife to the mix.

Most days I find myself retreating to the bathroom at work so I can hide in a stall and wait for my heart to stop beating so fast.  I lean against the door and breathe and try to think happy thoughts. 

Most days I can not come up with any happy thoughts.

I am battling both anxiety and depression.  I have fought this war before and won.  But it feels like I can not fight as hard this time.  It feels like something is missing.  That desperate need and want to not feel so miserable.  The ability to understand that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.  I don't have those things anymore. 

I am still fighting though.  I am not completely lost.  Just wandering. 

Anxiety and depression are a toxic, horrifying combination.  One pulls you away, presses you down. Presses you down until from your vantage point, nothing looks right.  And nothing looks like it will ever be right again.  The other squeezes you so fiercely that you become certain that not only will nothing ever be right again, but also that things are going to get much worse.  Immediately.

One stretches time so that minutes turn into hours turn into days.  The other erases the concept of time completely.  Time vanishes.  There is no time remaining.  The combination makes you dizzy, delirious, uncertain, scared.

I am tired of this bewildered time travel.

I want to exist in the real world again.

Don't worry blogstalkers, I'll find my way.  Just wanted to let you know where I am now.  Living in my head instead of on the internet.

Just keep swimming.

UPDATE: Bob The Water Cat, whose blog I love, has dedicated a post to me.  And made me a shirt.  And Oh-Abigail, who is the craftiest person I "know" has asked for my address to send me a present, from all the way across the ocean. And Susan has posted a picture of the biggest tentacles I have EVER SEEN to my Facebook page.
In the process these lovely people have made my day a bit less miserable and neverending.  This is why I love my blogstalkers.

So Much Love,

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