Referencing Matilda Always Makes Me Want Chocolate Cake

Merry Friday Blogstalkers!

First and foremost I want to offer up my thoughts and prayers to the families and friends involved in or affected by the Sandy Hook shooting this morning.  My heart is absolutely broken for all of you.

If you're not new here then you know that I have a really bad neck that tends to basically decide to stop doing all of its neck jobs a couple of times a year.  The most recent bout was so bad that once again I find myself back in physical therapy.  I hate physical therapy.  Here is how a typical session goes.

I walk up to the therapy office and face the same decision I make before every session.  Do I enter and endure the tortuous hands of Nate-The-Not-Great or do I ditch therapy and instead visit the bakery across the street?  Ultimately, like always, I decide to go through with the therapy*

*Except for that one time when the bakery lady waved to me from the window and I was like, "What! Who could resist NOW?  This is almost definitely a sign from God to skip therapy today," and then I called Nate and told him I was having stomach issues (in that there were currently no cupcakes in said stomach) and that I would need to reschedule.  And then I skipped over to the bakery and had the best chocolate marshmallow cupcake of all time and was eating it happily on a stool looking out the window until I remembered that if Nate looked out the window of the therapy place then he would almost positively see me and flung myself off the stool onto the ground and slunk out of the bakery while the owner watched and probably thought "What an odd girl.  I take back my wave of earlier.  I shall never wave at her again."  And she never has.

So I sigh and enter the building and climb the two flights of stairs to the physical therapy floor and grumblingly sign in and trudge over to the doctor's table thingy on which stupid Nate performs his hate massages.

And then Nate saunters over like he is a good person and not a demon in man-skin and I think "No one is fooled by your happy walk NATE.  A real good person would be much more reluctant in their walk over to stab me repeatedly with their fingers."

And then he's all "How are we doing today Lauren?"

And I'm all "Who is this 'we' you speak of Nate? Have you got a mouse in your pocket?"

And he's all "Haha same old Lauren"

To which I do not respond because I have no idea what that means.  I close my eyes and brace myself for the onslaught of pain that I am soon to experience.  And then Nate laughs an evil laugh (probably) and begins.

Here is a partial list of some of the things I have said/shouted during massage hour:

If I were you I would keep your fingers away from my mouth Nathan, my teeth feel very spasm-y today.

Have you ever read the book Matilda by Roald Dahl?  Yes?  Ok well you know the part about the 'Chokey'?  I would rather be there right now.

Safety word! Safety word! Safety word!

You know that song that's like "I've got the magic in me," it is NOT written about you.

I am giving you a new nickname today Nate.  It is "The ManHandler."

You definitely just did something wrong.

**throws self off doctor's table**

Now entering the WWF arena Nate The ManHandler Matthews!

This isn't the Tower of London you goose! Ease up on the torture!

And then eventually Nate announces that he is done and he makes me do some stretches and some exercises with resistance bands, which are basically just giant rubber bands, which makes it very difficult for me to not try to snap him with them and shout "Revenge!"

Not soon enough the session is finally over and then I get to pay for what I have just undergone.  And Nate is all "See you Thursday Tiger!" (Yes he calls me Tiger) and I throw a little grimace and wave in his direction and stomp home.  After going to the bakery.

P.S. The winners of Heidi's book Crooked Love are Morgan, Melody and Kristen Swift.  If you are one of those people just email Heidi at GirlToMom@gmail.com with your address details!

P.P.S I feel ridiculously gross about the way I look these days and so I have decided I'm doing something about it and starting a diet and exercise journey on Monday.  I am telling you all this for accountability reasons.

27 comments:

  1. I love your blog and think you are fabulous but are your truly going to start a diet a week before Christmas? Knowing your love for both all things Christmas and culinary this sounds like a new recipe to me...a recipe for disaster!!

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  2. P.P.S. Being the first to comment is either a sign of a slow day at work of truly being a "blogstalker". Sigh.

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  3. I can sympathize.. I have been going to the chiropractor for back and wrist issues. The stretches they had me do on Monday caused muscle pain that woke me up Wednesday morning. I still groan every time I stand up. Why? Why would they do this? I thought they liked me...

    I hope you're feeling better. And, I'm with you on feeling icky. I've been trying to eat better lately and it seems to be working (fingers crossed).

    Good luck! :)

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  4. Oh my gosh! I won Heidi's book!

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  5. "This isn't the Tower of London you goose! Ease up on the torture!" Thank you for existing.

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  6. Blogger was weird and my message disappeared so I'm going to try this again.

    First of all - yuck to that! I can't imagine - I thought it was supposed to make you feel better, this physio stuff. Maybe he's lying. Is he registered? Have you seen his license? I think you should ask for his license. Maybe he's really a sadistic man who gets off on yanking peoples heads around for the joy of their discomfort! AHH! CALL THE POLICE.

    Also - if you're going to start a diet and exercise routine, may I suggest sparkpeople.com? I've lost 40 pounds by using Sparkpeople religiously for a year - and then an additional 10 because I've since practiced the fundamental basics of the program. I didn't starve (ever), I didn't have to stop enjoying things I love (Coca-cola, cookies), but I learned SO much about how calories fuel the body, and fat, and what we need and what is worth it and what isn't, and that was a huge thing for me. Plus, Coach Nicole in the exercise videos is neither a bimbo or blond, and I really like her. WINNING. So.. there's my story.

    Also - if you like spreadsheets and planning - sparkpeople has an app where you can track your food and everything, from your phone - and users populate it with nutritional info, so it's totally possible to track obscure items with a couple clicks of a button (or presses of a finger, rather). Love it!

    End of my story! But Sparkpeople changed my life :)

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  7. Anonymous12/14/2012

    Oooh, chocolate marshmallow cupcake sounds sooo good! Also, I was reading through your archives and had to tell you my new favorite "word" is squoze ;)
    Have not had the opportunity to use it yet, bit I am trying. Tell Ryan I said thanks!
    ~nicole

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  8. PT is great (well... painfully great) and all, but have you tried chiropractic for you neck? I have had a crooked pelvis/SI joint for more than 10 years from an accident. If I sat too long, stood too long, laid down too long on a surface that was too soft or too hard, wore the wrong shoes, or wore a belt too tight low on my hips, I would shooting terrible nerve pain. In college I finally decided to go to PT and it did nothing. Now I see a chiropractor once a month (or more if I feel like I need it)and he's been working on my pelvis and lower back... I think there's enough residual nerve damage that it'll never be 100%, but it has improved by leaps and bounds! My husband has degenerative discs in his neck (inherited... he has an aunt that had discs fused twice by the time she was 50) and used to have constant neck pain and chiropractic has made a huge difference to him, too. Just... avoid creeptastic old chiropractors who make you listen to cassette tapes about how the magic of chiropractic can cure your cancer, like the first chiro we went to.

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    1. How is your pelvis crooked? Is it because one of your hips is higher than the either? That is my problem but it's a result of being born with hip dysplasia and I'm not sure where/how/when it happened but my hips became uneven when I was a child and I have all the problems you have. The thing that made a huge difference for me?? A shoe lift! My first PT in 2005 told me that one leg was longer than the either but didn't recommend anything for it! Then I tried PT again last year and that PT told me that yes, one leg is longer than the other and it's not that my legs are actually different lengths but that my hips are uneven and she sent me to a place to be fitted for an ankle brace and a shoe lift. The guy there that helped me told me he didn't think I needed an ankle brace and he didn't think that I needed a shoe lift either and was worried it'd effect my balance, which is horrible anyways. But he gave me a shoe lift since it was cheaper than the brace. It was $15 and made just for me and it has been the greatest thing ever for me. My hips used to click in and out place and would just stop me in my tracks because of the pain and I'd have to wait for them to go back into place or fix it myself.... but now with the shoe lift, that almost never happens. It happens once in a while when I go up stairs or climb a ladder but I've learned to lift my right leg first rather than my left and that makes a difference too... My left shoe has the shoe lift. Sooooooooooo..... that's my long story and might not help you but I'm throwing it out there in case it could help. lol.

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  9. Veronica12/14/2012

    Ahaha you are too funny!

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  10. The closest I have come to physical therapy was going to acupuncture at a drug rehab clinic run by orthodox Jewish men. The receptionist got all pissy with me when I didn't want to give a urine sample. I hissed at her that I was there for MIGRAINES, not for HEROIN. Then I looked at what I was wearing and realized it was not exactly modest, although at least I was not a heroin addict. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Take drugs if you want. I don't care. Just don't steal from me to fund your habit and give your children up for adoption because you should not be allowed to screw up your kids' lives.

    So then the acupuncturist stuck needles in me and we talked about his upcoming trip to Memphis and how he couldn't eat BBQ because it's not kosher, so how he was just going to take a suitcase of food with him.

    The needles did not help.

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  11. Ooooooh I really want that cupcake now. But sigh, I only have an eggnog cake roll... I mean WOO! I HAVE AN EGGNOG CAKE ROLL!

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  12. Dammit now I want chocolate cake!

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  13. Do you not like massages at all or are they just worse when your neck is being a jerk? I can't really relate because I love massages, but I do understand your temptation to blow off an appointment for cupcakes. I suffer from that as well.

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  14. Hope it gets better soon. I was dreading my appointment until he made my neck magically better and told me I only had to come back two more times. I'll be joining you on the weight loss parade but not until after Christmas and my last round of cupcakes.

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  15. I did that "tell blog readers about my diet for accountability reasons" business back in january in order to fit into my wedding dress. TOTAL success - I'm down 30lbs! Good luck to you ma'am.

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  16. Megan M.12/14/2012

    Hahaha! No wonder Nate calls you Tiger - you're so feisty! Grrr! "You definitely just did something wrong" is my favorite.

    Here's a holiday diet tip for you - mint is an appetite suppressant, so whenever you feel hungry - grab a candy cane! I've had three of them today and I totally skipped lunch. That's gotta be healthy, right? ;)

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  17. Youch! I love massages, but this doesn't sound like one I'd enjoy.

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  18. i also have a hate masseuse who is eastern european (ukrainian i believe) and therefore fits the sterotype. but she gives great massages and after the pain and tears of the day i do feel better. however, i only have small shoulder issues, not giant neck issues. and by that i do not mean your neck is giant, only your issues.... hmmm, that did not sound better. i am sure you understand context though.

    will it help if your blogstaulkers keep you on track? because it would just make me want to eat cake more...

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  19. I feel for you. I am going gluten free after Christmas in an attempt to see if it will help my stomach issues, and I am not looking forward to it. So, we can go on a healthy eating kick together! Also, I have gone to physical therapy before for my lower back, and it was SO NOT FUN!! Why do they call it therapy? Because it makes you cry? Sorry you had to experience that, and have to keep experiencing it. I say cupcakes over therapy any day. Cupcakes never make you cry.

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  20. Christmas season is either a very very bad time or a very very good time to start a diet. Bad ime because there is so much temptation around. And if one is on a diet, then caves to temptation, then one can feel very badly about oneself, and Christmas is about feeling good, not bad RYAN! Or it can be a good time because there is lots of temptation, so if you can resist it now you can resist anything!! But may I be so bold as to humbly suggest you use this time to make plans, to even get started knowing there will be some setbacks and stoppings, to not spend any time worying aout those as 'tis the season, but instead use them as learningnexperiences re:triggers, then really plan to star in the New Year once majority if not all temptations have passed. I would just hate to think of you at a party, surrounded, for example, with plates of party cheese - feeling miserable and deprived if you don't eat some but like a failure if you do.

    Life is too short. Now more than ever, we should appreciate that life is too short. I commend you on wanting to make healthy choices and make yourself feel better about yourself, but while one should use discretion when eaing cheese, life is too short to not indulge in party cheese.

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  21. I hear that there's a pressure point located in your neck that will make you poo your pants. Be careful out there, Tiger.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  22. You can do it Brucey!! I love Matilda! Hope your neck is feeling better!

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  23. I'm really glad I never had to go through physical therapy...

    I feel the same way about myself. The end of semester always leads to be drinking my body weight in coffee and high amounts of sugar. I'm taking my break to start exercising again and eating healthier.

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  24. I love that book. Hope you feel better soon!

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