I Am Smarter Than The Average Bear. I Should Hope. Being That I Am A Person.

Holiday Greetings Blogstalkers!

I'm in a fantastic mood today!  My neck is feeling a thousand times better!  Thanks mostly to a well-timed shot of cortisone and maybe a little to that yoga class I took yesterday upon the instructions of my doctor.

She's actually been telling me to go to yoga for years since I have terrible balance as well as various mental ailments.  But until now I have not gone.  Please do not tell my doctor that because for some reason she maybe thinks I go twice a week and that my instructor's name is Anthony and that he has a ponytail.

But anyway, it seems as of late that the amount of time I spend couch-ridden and drug-addled because of my neck has increased.  And as I am beginning to think Ryan is getting tired of me alternating between being all "My neeeeccckkkk" one hour and asking him (once the drugs kick in) to go to the store and get me candy canes so "I can rub them in my nose and make the whole world smell of Christmas," the next, I figured I should maybe do something about this.

Sidenote: That candy cane comment did actually occur and Ryan was rather judgy about it.  Which makes me somewhat incensed as he is the dummy that came home from the bar after two football games on Saturday and told me he'd had "cups and saucers" when I asked him if he'd had anything to eat.  I assume he meant chips and salsa, but really, I can not be sure.

So yesterday morning around 730 am, I rolled over in bed and hit snooze on my alarm and decided to take the 11 am yoga class instead.  Bait and switch m*therf*ckers.

I actually made it to the later yoga class and copied all of the other girls with their tiny tops and bouncy ponytails in getting out a mat and sitting on it and stretching out my legs.  It turns out my legs are not very stretchy so I switched to doing some sweet elbow maneuvers with my double-jointed elbows (yep true story) to make myself seem like an advanced yogi person.

Soon the instructor came in and introduced himself as Anthony and I was all like "What the what!" in my head because it turns out I am psychic and I never knew that until now.

Then I imagine the class progressed as normal yoga classes do. All downward-facing-dog and alligator-goes-to-lunch and that one pose where you get to pretend you are a warrior princess shooting a bow and arrow at the person in front of you in class.

After a while it was time for quiet reflection which began with everyone in the class saying some sort of chant that I could not understand so instead I just intoned "Iced-Venti-Nonfat-No-Whip-Iced-Mocha" a couple of times since that was the treat I had promised myself if I went to the yoga class.

Then it was time to just sit silently on our mats and meditate.  I was not excellent at this.  My mind does not get quiet.  Here is a rundown of the things I thought during those ten minutes.

Ok clear your mind Lauren Rae, make it a peaceful soothing quiet place.


What the hell!?

Ok at least try to think about quiet things.

A sleeping mime.  A baby mouse peeing on a cotton ball.

I wonder if I could convince Anthony to grow a ponytail.  I know we have not known each other for very long but he did touch my butt a little bit earlier.

I really feel like some curried butternut squash soup right now.

I feel like I have been sitting here for a really long time, I wonder if this is some sort of newbie hazing ritual where they get me to close my eyes and sit quietly and then all sneak out of the room and leave me here.  *opens one eyeball and peers around surreptitiously*

Ok good they're all still here, probably knew I was un-foolable from my no nonsense bun.

It is SO quiet.

It is SO VERY quiet.

Do not do it Lauren Rae, do not break the silence.

DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST FUCKING RIBBET!?

Bibbity Bobbity Boo.  Bibbity Bobbity Boo.  Alla Kazaam Sweet Marzipan and Bibbity Bobbity Boo!

Ooh I'll bet shrimp would be excellent in curried butternut squash soup.

Oh it's over, thank goodness.

And then I cleaned my matt and rolled it up and put it away and went to Starbucks.

Later Ryan asked me how yoga was and all I could say was "Oh it was a real mind and body workout let me tell you."

And then he said something snippy and sarcastic and I was just like "Iced-Venti-Nonfat-No-Whip-Iced-Mocha-Iced-Venti-Nonfat-No-Whip-Iced-Mocha."  Yoga is clearly my thing.

How were your weekends Blogstalkers?

P.S. Check out Katie's Blog for her take on J.K. Rowling's A Casual Vacancy.  My review is coming later this week.  I meant to post it Friday but it's really hard to read when you are high on drugs (prescription drugs) so I'm still finishing up the book and my review.

P.P.S. For anyone stalking their mailboxes for a Christmas Card, they will not be sent out until after next weekend since that is when OJ is in town and when we will be finishing up the cards.  I'll have my P.O. Box address up tomorrow (when I pick up the keys) for anyone that wants to send a return card.  Obviously this is not required.

Now I must be off.  I just scrubbed a bunch of pennies until they were super shiny and I have to go scatter them heads-up about the neighborhood.

35 comments:

  1. I found myself watching Mary Poppins last weekend and noticed my face hurt... From smiling so hard. Bert's one man band thrills me! Me cap would be glad of a copper or two...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I haven't seen it for so long but I got happy just googling that YouTube clip! Do the penguins make you collapse in a pile of happy?

      Delete
  2. *snorts*
    First off, I have bad neck/disc issues. The epidural helped for awhile but now I'm back to the drug haze. I mostly enjoy it.

    Yoga. I don't understand the whole meditating thing. I've tried. My brain doesn't shut off either and I end up thinking wacked out shit just like you did

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yikes, your neck stuff sound much worse than mine. I should stop complaining!

      As far as meditating is concerned I'm ok with it when I am all alone like sitting on my bed or something but when there are lots of other people in the room and it is very quiet my mind immediately goes to all the ridiculous things I could blurt out. The same thing happened to me a lot in lectures in college.

      Delete
  3. I'm not the "stuff-candy-canes-up-your-nose-so-the-world-smells-of-Christmas" (love it) type, but I still had a hard time thinking of nothing at the end of yoga. Eventually, I just started singing songs to myself (the same ones) and eventually that works as well as any other kind of meditation chant that you would do. I don't do yoga very much anymore, but I find that singing those same songs to myself in my head is still very soothing when necessary, or I can't sleep. Good for you for going - don't give up on it, quieting your brain is a very good skill to learn :) And good luck with the pennies!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. First, I swear I will not ever actually rub candy canes in my nose because that is ridiculous!

      Second, I think I'll at least try it a couple of more times to really determine if I like it or not. It's probably a good excercise for me to work on quieting my brain, even if I can only get it like 20% quiet. Thanks for the song idea!

      Delete
  4. Yoga is pretty awesome for making pains go away. But the being still and quiet part is quite difficult, so i usually just kinda skip it, but I bet next time i'll just be trying not to think and all these thoughts you had will pop in my head.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha I totally apologize for that in advance!

      Delete
  5. I broke my foot in mid-August and I just got a cortisone shot for it at the end of October. I may or may not have almost passed out when I stood up to leave the doctor's office. I don't like needles as is, so my doctor made sure I couldn't see it when they gave it to me. I left the little room feeling awesome and by the time I made it to the receptionist, I was pale and about to fall over. They forced fed me chocolate and water then. That was kind of nice. At least my foot is walkable again. Most days.

    And this weekend, I made my boyfriend take me to a different grocery after the first one we went to did not have what I was looking for.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I remember when you said you broke your foot! It was right around the time I thought I had broken a bone too (though luckily mine turned out to just be a contusion.) I sometimes pass out when I get blood taken. I'm not sure why because I really am not afraid of needles and I don't watch anyway. I think at this point it is just a self-fulfilling prophecy where I tell myself I am going to pass out so then I do. I do not get fed chocolate though, only orange juice. I am going to have to have a talk with my doctor's office about this.

      And that's awesome that your boyfriend did that for you! I tried to make Ryan do that once, for pickles, but he said no. It might have been because of how hard it was snowing at the time though.

      Hope your foot feels better!

      Delete
  6. Don't feel bad about the yoga thing. I have the same problem. Though it's more NEWSIES soundtrack based and "God I hope that BO smell isn't me".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OHMYGOSH I love Newsies! And I haven't seen it for years. I will add it to my list of movies to watch when I am stuck on the couch with neck pain.

      Delete
    2. There's a BROADWAY MUSICAL now! I about died when I found that out. I also don't understand why it didn't come to Chicago instead of "Kinky Boots". wah wah.

      Delete
  7. i did at least a year of yoga before i was any good at meditating, now i use it during acupuncture. you would not believe how much your face and/or other spots itch when you have tiny needles shoved under your skin.

    on a more serious note yoga really helped me. i did bikram which has the bonus of being really warm (ok, hot) - since i'm always cold it's amazing - and no actual meditating, though you area always trying to clear your mind of stuff by doing the poses (it's a goal). i did not have neck issues like you, but i do have lower back and my neck was straight (instead of curved back) and i got it to curve back some more doing yoga! also, it helped solve my panic disorder. your body just has no energy to panic :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've had acupuncture suggested to me recently for pain but it terrifies me. My SIL has had it done and it really really helped her but she said some of the needles really hurt her as well.

      My gym also offers Bikram yoga in varying degrees of heat and I've been considering it but first I figure I had better get the normal beginner moves down.

      Delete
  8. Veronica12/03/2012

    Ahah you crack me up. I used to go to yoga with my dad all the time- except it was hot yoga so they keep it at 110 degrees. Talk about dying. That meditating bit at the end was a GODSEND.

    I wanna drop pennies heads up! I read something awhile ago about someone who would drop dollar bills in an intersection so people would think it was their lucky day. There are some good people out there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's so ridiculous but I LOVE when I find heads-up pennies. One of my New Year's resolutions when I was in high school and shy one year was that I wouldn't be embarrassed to pick up a penny if I saw one, no matter where I was. And now I like to spread the penny cheer about, so from time to time I make them shiny and put them on the sidewalks and things.

      Delete
  9. Haha, my doctor is also under the impression that I go to yoga twice a week! It's a good thing she doesn't ask for details, because I'm a horrible liar. Can I pretend to have Anthony-with-a-ponytail as an instructor, too?

    I did actually go once. During my first class, the instructor made the mistake of throwing out some casual comment about me being a natural. So of course I promptly decided that I need to become a certified yoga instructor, stat. My new life calling! And then I promptly never went, ever again ... Shoot. I'm starting to see the flaw in this plan.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have messed up back & hip so my doctor put me in physical therapy and no joke I am terrible at it. My physical therapists(who are all freaking hot!) must think I'm a total idiot because I can't ever count how many reps I'm doing of any of the exercises! We start chit chatting and I totally loose count! So I just end up doing to many. Also I'm rather..."fluffy" and I tend to sweat pretty quick so I'm always thinking in my head"omg you are sweating in front of this hot guy,he's gonna think I'm gross." The day he told me we were going to work on my core and my abs and I was all "um, I don't think are are any abs under there dude."

    ReplyDelete
  11. I attempted to do yoga once because I know so many people who love it and I'm super inflexible so I figured it'd be worth a go. I did 6 classes and ultimately found it to be too boring for my non-meditative mind. I was also worried that my worst fear of farting in a very quiet, very populated space would come true.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dick Van Dyke was on Conan the other day and he seemed like such a nice guy! He said he had never had dance training before Mary Poppins so they taught him everything for that movie. It would be so cool to sit down and chat with him.

    ReplyDelete
  13. ok, I have anxieties about being forgot about, it's happened a few times in childhood. Would you make fun of me or giggle at me if I sent my address twice for the christmas card list?

    ReplyDelete
  14. I have the same problem with counting too and most of the time my PT wouldn't talk while I had to count but if she did, I would use my hand to count... Made it a little easier to keep track. lol.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Grrr! Why didn't my reply to Sarah about counting not show up under her comment?? Anywho. Lauren- are you double jointed in other joints or just your elbows? If you are, have you ever looked it up? Try googling hypermobility syndrome and/or ehlers danlos syndrome. I am double jointed in my fingers, knees, elbows ankles and probably my wrists. My dr refuses to say I have ehlers danlos even though I have a lot of the symptoms so he just says I have hypermobility syndrome. But I figured you could use a new medical thing and you can be like "I have a real medical condition called hypermobility syndrome and can not lift those heavy items as it will stress my elbows" and then throw in a RYAN for good measure. lol.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ditto almost exactly on the yoga situation, from telling my doctor I go for mental help to not being able to think of "nothing." I'm usually the asshole that has an eterna-smirk on my face during meditation to keep from full-out giggling with awkwardness (I usually just hope everyone else thinks I'm smirking because I've reached Enlightenment and it is actually a pretty sarcastic place).

    PS. My new favorite metaphor for quiet: a baby mouse peeing on a cotton ball.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Had a decent weekend. I was productive BUT felt emotionally cruddy the whole time. I need a mental break but won't be getting one anytime soon.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hysterical laughter at the candy cane comment. are you accepting applications for friends? because I would like to apply most sincerely.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous12/03/2012

    Oh dang! I just had 10 new shiny pennies and I didn't even think about putting them around ! UGH! So of course my Type A personality kicks in and now I am collecting pennies from the stores.... I think the cashiers are on to me....

    ReplyDelete
  20. "Now I must be off. I just scrubbed a bunch of pennies until they were super shiny and I have to go scatter them heads-up about the neighborhood."

    THIS. This is why your blog is Teh Awsum.

    The end.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I almost peed my pants!

    ReplyDelete
  22. My doctor makes me go to yoga too!!
    Also, thank you for the Dick Van Dyke video. He's been popping up in my life all over the place (ever since I admitted my being in love with him on the internet - I'm actually starting to think he somehow found out and is now internet-stalking me. Best. Day. Ever. What was I talking about?)
    Oh, a penny!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Please don't ask how I know this - but if you mix baking soda and salt together it makes pennies super super super shiny. Yes. I know how to clean pennies.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Scattering shiny pennies about the neighborhood? You are delightfully whimsical.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Minds wander to the weirdest places during yoga. For some reason I always imagine my sister dying. And then I leave class bawling. I guess it's an emotional catharsis.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
 
Site Design By Designer Blogs