But seriously yes I am posting on a Sunday. Because I've been feeling out of sorts lately and I thought maybe writing about it would help.
I've also gotten some questions on Facebook about why we are "playing Santa" for Ryan's siblings and why his sister is living with us. So hopefully this will explain everything.
I think it has not gone unnoticed by any of you that when it comes to Christmas, I can tend to go overboard. I am a Christmas freak. From November 1st until midnight on December 25th my heart beats are all "Fa La La La La La La La La." I love the spirit of the season, the camaraderie it inspires in strangers, the fact that may people are more willing to help out where needed, to donate a couple of coats or canned goods or throw a couple of dollars at the ever-ringing Salvation Arm bells when leaving the grocery store. I love the snow and the smiles and the smells. I LOVE Christmas season. Usually.
This year I'm having trouble finding my holiday cheer. And that is making me sad. And then I get even sadder that I am sad around Christmas. My depression is firmly under control so I know that this melancholy is something I am legitimately feeling and not just something my brain is tricking me into feeling.
This Christmas is going to be hard. If you've not been reading this blog for a while then you probably do not know that 2012 was an intensely difficult year for Ryan's and my family. Ryan and his three younger siblings lost their father in February due to a middle-of-the-night cerebral hemorrhage. He was 54 and it was entirely unexpected. Just five weeks later Ryan's mother lost her battle with cancer. She was also 54 and had been diagnosed only a little over a year earlier.
Obviously Ryan and his family were beyond devastated. His parents were wonderful, loving people. This was not the life they deserved. And so now Ryan and his little brothers and his little sister are not living they life they deserved. And that breaks my heart. It shatters my heart into a million pieces. And if I am that broken for them, I can not even imagine their pain.
So as can only be expected the holiday season is difficult this year. Ryan's mother was Jewish (hence why Ryan identifies as Jewish) but his father was Catholic and wholeheartedly loved this season of giving. It feels wrong not to have them here with us right now.
We are doing the absolute best we can, making most things very different so that the things that are missing are not so glaringly obvious. We are having Christmas here instead of in their childhood home. Katie (Ryan's sister) and I have taken over the delicate art of filling Boy Stockings and Ryan and I have donned our Claus suits (literally haha) and are working on creating a Christmas morning, that we can only hope will have some sweet mixed in with the bitter.
I'm so sorry to bring everyone down just two days before Christmas but I've been having a lot of trouble being upbeat in posting lately and so the blog has been quiet. And I wanted to explain in the best way I know how. We are all doing well and are looking forward to celebrating Christmas together. I hope you all have just the LOVELIEST of holidays and I will be back to my normal cockamamie self in no time.
Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays Blogstalkers! Thanks for always being around. You are my little miracle-workers. I hope you know that.
|Ryan and I can only hope we'll have as happy of a marriage.|
P.S. To be clear, it's not ALL misery around here. Ryan lightened the mood considerably by sitting his sister and I down and telling us a grand story of how he thought he had bought the GREATEST GIFT OF ALL TIME for the entire family. Katie and I were intrigued and sent each other psychic brain messages like "Do you think it's a trip?" and "Yes! Fingers crossed for Greece!" And then Katie went upstairs and I was like "Ok Ryan, you need to tell me what this gift is since it sounds expensive," and he was like "It's...wait for it....two remote control helicopters. And I was like "Katie! Come down here and hear what Ryan's GREATEST GIFT OF ALL TIME is." And so she did and was equally disgusted. And now whenever something is good, like the burgers we ate yesterday, either Katie or I will be like "Well, yeah, it's good, but it no remote control helicopter."