An Offer He Can Not Refuse, Maybe, We'll See.

So Blogstalkers, this year my family and Ryan's siblings have consented to letting me host Thanksgiving at our house.  This was probably a mistake on their part but they do not know it yet.

But I'm getting pretty amped to host Turkey Day this year though because for one it means I will get to show off my culinary prowess in the kitchen.  I will be all "Dinner is served everyone!  I only dropped the turkey one time this year!"  And for two, costumes.

I know you're probably thinking, "She has gone and gotten her holidays all befuddled and backwards," but you are wrong.

I shall explain.  Today I sent Ryan this email.

'Twas the night before Thursday, when all through the house,
Permeated a smell, a juicy hot grouse.
The stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care,
Because Lauren, for once, was being quite fair.
She'd made Ryan a deal, that man whom she'd wed,
That no Yuletide would come 'fore the breaking of bread.
No chestnuts, no bells, no flakes or gift wrap.
No Santas, no snowmen, no Christmassy crap.
No spruces, no sleighs or gingerbread batter.
No tinsel, no lights, no reindeer paw patter.
Sure there may be some eggnog with nutmeg, a dash,
but just to go with the beans and the potatoes she'd mash.
In exchange handsome Ryan, the most dashing of beaus,
would don a black hat and tilt it just so.
His shoes would have buckles,  and his eyes - no fear,
because he is dressing to forgo Christmas cheer.
Now hear me out Ryan, don't be so thick.
Yes you're dressed like a pilgrim but hey! No St. Nick!
"This idea's the worst!" I know you'll exclaim.
So if it'll help to convince you, I'll dress just the same.
Two happy pilgrims, holding hands and a 'fixin,
to roll up their sleeves and get to gravy mixin.
Don't scoff at this notion, don't you dare have the gall!
Because if you do, I'll deck the damn halls!
It might even be fun, if you give it a try,
to be clad in tight breeches and eat turkey thigh.
Plus my siblings are coming and your siblings too,
It would make them so happy to see your pilgrim suit.
Think of the children Ry and then think of you,
happy and sated and bearded to boot.
Oh didn't I mention? Well let me expound,
in pilgrimmy times beards did abound.
And we wouldn't want to defile this pursuit,
with an incorrect costume, No! You must be hirsute!
Don't give me that look, don't call me a quack.
This is my offer, I can take it right back!
I know you hate Christmas, all things bright and merry,
So just wear the black coat and make your face hairy.
And then I will wait on the cans of fake snow,
and no tiny tots' eyes will aglow.
No shining tree with presents beneath.
No welcoming door adorned with a wreath.
No iced sugar cookies or figgy fig jelly.
Just turkey and stuffing to put in your belly.
No Fa La La Las and no toy-crafting elves.
No Merry Little Christmas to be had by yourself.
So just give your word and a nod of your head,
and I swear until Friday you'll have nothing to dread.
Of course I can't promise I won't then go berserk,
because come the next morning it's time to do work.
With bangles and baubles and Christmassy clothes,
I'll festoon things with ribbons and splash them with bows.
I'll ring and I'll sing and maybe I'll whistle.
A virtual wonderland creating missile.
Ok I'm getting off track, but you get it right?
So consider your options, we'll talk tonight.

And I attached this picture.



  And now I am waiting for his response.  So far, there's only been silence.

97 comments:

  1. Anonymous11/07/2012

    Unfortunately, the man in the picture has no beard. Otherwise, I think your plan is genius!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know it! I need to find a better picture. He's not a very realistic pilgrim.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous11/07/2012

      unrelated, are you going to let Ryan have a gun as a prop, similar to the man in the picture?

      Delete
  2. I think this is a very fair proposition. Also I think there's a rule somewhere in the universe that if you present your argument in verse it may not be refuted.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh that's definitely definitely a rule. Definitely.

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  3. I will donate $25 dubloons to see a video of this dinner. Funny!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I accept your dubloons. I've been running low.

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  4. What's the lady pilgrim costume look like?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's very modest and comes with a bonnet. And an apron. Perfect for cooking and for hiding food babies.

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  5. You are the best ever.

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  6. YOU are my cup of tea. I adore you. Favorite lines?

    "Don't scoff at this notion, don't you dare have the gall!
    Because if you do, I'll deck the damn halls!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha so glad you liked it!

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  7. It's so beautiful! I may have cried a little... from laughing. Still counts.

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    Replies
    1. I prefer that kind of crying actually.

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  8. Replies
    1. Ha! Tell that to my husband. His favorite word to use is "crazy."

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    2. EliizabethB11/07/2012

      Crazy...brilliant.. same word, different spelling IMHO!

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  9. This might be the best idea ever. Love it!

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  10. Megan M.11/07/2012

    Wow. Waiting until Black Friday to decorate for Christmas? That sounds like a major sacrifice on your part. He should be falling all over himself to do this for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right!? I feel I'm being quite fair. Or something.

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  11. HOLY CRAPBALLS!!! This is absolutely perfect!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And it only took three hours! Haha thanks.

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  12. Lauren, seriously? I can't even handle the awesome. How the fuck did you get so funny and rhyme-y and creative? If I didn't like you so damn much, I'd be really jealous and want to kick you.

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    Replies
    1. I may or may not have employed the use of both a regular dictionary and a rhyming dictionary. So glad you think it's awesome! Please don't kick me.

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    2. They make rhyming dictionaries? Cool!

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  13. Simply amazing. I wish my husband worked days so I could send him emails like this.

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    Replies
    1. Ryan is NEVER pleased to get emails from me. To get them to open them I have to title them something like "Things I Am Making You For Dinner"

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    2. That's even better! You could get all serious too and be like 'i got life insurance quotes today' or 'I would like to buy this car'.

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    3. Yessss on the second one. Totally using it next time.

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  14. I LOVE that you rhymed pursuit and hirsute :)! But does the beardless man in the picture give him an argument against donning the beard?

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    Replies
    1. I know....le sigh....I need to find a better picture. Hirsute is one of my favorite words, when it fit into this poem I almost cried in happiness.

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  15. This is AMAZING. Can you make some kind of deal with your family or his and have them dress as Indians? Erm...Native Americans.

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    Replies
    1. I'm working on it. Just texted all of our sisters. They are so going to help me convince him to do this.

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    2. Or, you could provide the costumes and make them mandatory if they want to be fed. Once they are at your house they are your prisoners!

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    3. Oh yeah! I forgot about that rule!

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  16. if he says no in verse please post it! that was an amazing poem. I think the silence is just his stunned awe in the light of your brillance.

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    Replies
    1. Haha he definitely won't reply in verse, he's turrrrible at poetry. I'll probably just get a "Is this what you do all day? What is for dinner?"

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  17. I. LOVE. THIS. You're so damn funny, it's not even fair - and it all rhymed, which is even awesomer. Cards that rhyme = suck. Email poems with a plea for participation in a Thanksgiving recreation = genius.

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    Replies
    1. Glad you liked it Jenny! It was a labor of love and diet coke.

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  18. this is amazing. fingers crossed he goes for it.
    also, if he does? can you please have like, a craft corner with construction paper so when your families show up and get all jealous of your fancy duds they can make their own like back in grade school? (remember these!? http://crafts.kaboose.com/pilgrim-hat-for-boys.html Nostalgia!)

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    Replies
    1. Ohhh I totally remember making pilgrim hats and Indian headdresses in elementary school! So that is a great idea!

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  19. You and your poetry are Awesome...no other words apply except maybe Kick you in the Crotch Spit on your Neck Fantastic!!!!

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  20. This is amazingness and I love it! I want to send it to my hubby

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  21. There are no words. It's just too wonderful.


    (I have my Christmas tree up already. Seriously just put candy canes on it with my children today. Thankfully, my husband goes along with it. Because I let him decorate for Halloween in August.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Usually I wait until Mid-November to decorate but this year I'm at home and getting antsy so this is the new deal haha.

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  22. Perhaps the lure of manly toting around a rifle like the gent in the picture would aide in your argument. Then buy one that only shoots marshmallows!!

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    Replies
    1. I know! I mentioned to him when he came home that pilgrim costumes came with nerf guns to try to convince him and he was like "Believe me, you don't want me to have any sort of gun right now."

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  23. Bahaha. I am currently listening to JT's "My Love", and somehow it totally fit to these beats, and now it is ringing in my head!

    Seriously. Rap it. It totally works.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And now I can't stop rapping it. Ha.

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  24. Read you, love you, but have never yet commented. You have dragged me from the shadows to say two things: (1) I love your poem more than my luggage; and (b) if Ryan agrees to this, he is my hero. Upon provision of photographic proof, of course.

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    Replies
    1. Jodi, I love you for quoting Steel Magnolias.

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    2. I second the comment above this and promise so much that if any sort of costume is donned, pictures will be snapped and posted.

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  25. That was so poignant and perky, and made my mouth water for turkey. You have the gift of the gab and I want to create another you in a lab so we can write silly rhymes while taunting Ryan with scary mimes.

    Thank you for being you and for the laugh today, the poem was brilliant!

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    Replies
    1. Haha Lydia that was awesome! I read it like thirty times.

      Thank you for being you!

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  26. You should move closer to me and be my best friend! ;-)
    We could wear pilgrim costumes together AND have a merrily decked out house to eat at.
    Im pulling out the Christmas decorations this weekend. My husband is trying to say I have to wait until after Thanksgiving, but im due soon and want to make sure my house is full of holiday cheer before I deliver.

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    Replies
    1. The fact that a baby is soon to be upon the scene only sweetens your offer haha.

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    2. Score!

      You can even change its poopy diapers! Aren't I generous?

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  27. DYING laughing. This is poetry perfection.

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  28. Um, if he goes for it, I hope you will post pictures. Here. Lots of them.
    My husband would never go for this. But he does let me host every year...all of our in town family less friends come over. And we always have vodka gummi bears and about 7 jello items. Just like the Pilgrims.

    This year, I think I am going to do something with lime jello from the 1972 joy of jello cookbook.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah we'll see, I may have to get him all liquored up. But if it happens there will be pictures.

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  29. Bethany11/07/2012

    Amazing!

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  30. Anonymous11/07/2012

    Oh my goodness. Will you be my secret girlfriend? You don't have to answer, because you don't really have a lot of choice in the matter. I've declared you my secret girlfriend and that's all that matters. I've never had a secret girlfriend before. I have a long list of secret boyfriends (George Strait, George Clooney, Troy Aikman, etc.) and the member rankings go up and down as warranted, although George Strait never wavers from #1. You will be my first secret girlfriend! Don't you feel lucky?

    Don't worry, the secret boy/girlfriend doesn't have a lot of responsibilities beyond simply accepting my admiration from afar. Restraining orders seldom ever come into play.

    For some reason, I can't get my google account to sign me in. Dratted interwebs. Being an anonymous secret admirer isn't nearly as much fun.

    kjax

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OHMYGOSH for sure I will be your secret girlfriend! I am honored to say the least!

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  31. Ummm...yes, Yes, and even YESSER.

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  32. Ok that was hilarious. I am sure I would have given up halfway through trying to make a convincing holiday esque tale for the beau. And if you can get him to wear that hat you deserve a million billion dollars. The rest of the outfit isn't that bad but the hat, oh my.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah the hat is throwing him off a bit. And the shoes. I tried to convince him that he needs a new pair of black shoes anyway and these would totally go with everything, but so far, no luck.

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  33. Just curious...has this become a new talent from working at home (yes to me cleaning/dinner making/laundry/really anything involving moving at home is work) or have you always been poetic??

    I would LOVE to see your ultimatums..I mean Christmas List to Santa.

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    Replies
    1. I've always rewritten songs to suit my own purposes, even as a child, so I guess this is just an extension of that? I never had time to do full-on poems like this when I was working though!

      Delete
  34. Jenna Alexis11/07/2012

    I read this in class and had to explain to the people next to me why I was laughing/crying with my head down so I showed them the poem and they also broke out hysterically laughing to the point of crying. My Professor probably thinks we have gone mental.

    This poem was pretty epic and I congratulate you on even finishing it with rhythm and rhyme. I would have given up after a few lines.

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    Replies
    1. Jenna Alexis this is like my favorite comment of the day, so glad my little poem made you and the people sitting next to you laugh!

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  35. Anonymous11/07/2012

    Love it! So well done dearie!

    Melissa

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  36. Katie Palumbo11/07/2012

    That was fabulous!! Who could say no to a poem that rymthes?? I think you totally win that one!! I read it a couple times because I loved it so!! And really.. costumes would be so much fun!

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    Replies
    1. So glad you liked it! And yes, I'm so hoping he agrees, because so much fun would be had!

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    2. Katie Palumbo11/07/2012

      Crap!! I didn't read that through and pressed published... then realized I misspelled "rhymes". It drives me nuts so I had to correct!

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  37. I will probably be borrowing this from you one day if Dragon and I ever get married. Don't worry - you'll totally get the cred.

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  38. Pure awesomeness! I really hope he agrees to the costume :)

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  39. I said a prayer tonight that he'll go along. And then I said an extra prayer that you would post pictures of the event.

    The future of my faith depends on you both.

    Don't let me down.

    ReplyDelete
  40. this is so awesome, he has to agree!

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  41. Anonymous11/08/2012

    Why the buckle on the hat is all I'd like to know. What is it cinching?

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  42. Oh Lauren, I love you so much. You are so adorable and clever. Ryan is crazy if he's not reading that and smiling, thinking you are nuts but he loves you so much!

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  43. So, I'm taking a poetry class next semester. With that sort of rhyming, would you like to write my poems? It isn't cheating right, because you're not even in the same state as me.

    Just kidding! :] I definitely think this poem is amazing and should be framed in your house.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Veronica11/09/2012

    I really thought I commented on this the other day. Oh well. If you convince him to do this I demand many pictures. Love the poem!

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  45. Oh i hope more than anything right now that Ryan agrees. That poem was amazing.

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  46. The Best ever....
    and while usually I go by the 'silence is golden' ... I'd love to hear what Ryan actually thought when he read that!
    If he's anything like my husband... it was "she wasn't kidding when she told me she was the craziest person she knows...on our first date".

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  47. That was quite a lot of awesome.

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  48. I stopped in from my wedding weekend to read, and I'm so glad I did!! I love this. So amazing, and a VERY fair deal. Obviously a huge sacrifice on your part. I hosted Thanksgiving last year for the first time because Brian and I were in our new home, and it was both amazing and exhausting. I wish you the very best of luck and am sending many a happy holiday wish your way!

    ReplyDelete

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