But I'm getting pretty amped to host Turkey Day this year though because for one it means I will get to show off my culinary prowess in the kitchen. I will be all "Dinner is served everyone! I only dropped the turkey one time this year!" And for two, costumes.
I know you're probably thinking, "She has gone and gotten her holidays all befuddled and backwards," but you are wrong.
I shall explain. Today I sent Ryan this email.
'Twas the night before Thursday, when all through the house,
Permeated a smell, a juicy hot grouse.
The stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care,
Because Lauren, for once, was being quite fair.
She'd made Ryan a deal, that man whom she'd wed,
That no Yuletide would come 'fore the breaking of bread.
No chestnuts, no bells, no flakes or gift wrap.
No Santas, no snowmen, no Christmassy crap.
No spruces, no sleighs or gingerbread batter.
No tinsel, no lights, no reindeer paw patter.
Sure there may be some eggnog with nutmeg, a dash,
but just to go with the beans and the potatoes she'd mash.
In exchange handsome Ryan, the most dashing of beaus,
would don a black hat and tilt it just so.
His shoes would have buckles, and his eyes - no fear,
because he is dressing to forgo Christmas cheer.
Now hear me out Ryan, don't be so thick.
Yes you're dressed like a pilgrim but hey! No St. Nick!
"This idea's the worst!" I know you'll exclaim.
So if it'll help to convince you, I'll dress just the same.
Because if you do, I'll deck the damn halls!
It might even be fun, if you give it a try,
to be clad in tight breeches and eat turkey thigh.
Plus my siblings are coming and your siblings too,
It would make them so happy to see your pilgrim suit.
Think of the children Ry and then think of you,
happy and sated and bearded to boot.
Oh didn't I mention? Well let me expound,
in pilgrimmy times beards did abound.
And we wouldn't want to defile this pursuit,
with an incorrect costume, No! You must be hirsute!
Don't give me that look, don't call me a quack.
This is my offer, I can take it right back!
I know you hate Christmas, all things bright and merry,
So just wear the black coat and make your face hairy.
And then I will wait on the cans of fake snow,
and no tiny tots' eyes will aglow.
No shining tree with presents beneath.
No welcoming door adorned with a wreath.
No iced sugar cookies or figgy fig jelly.
Just turkey and stuffing to put in your belly.
No Fa La La Las and no toy-crafting elves.
No Merry Little Christmas to be had by yourself.
So just give your word and a nod of your head,
and I swear until Friday you'll have nothing to dread.
Of course I can't promise I won't then go berserk,
because come the next morning it's time to do work.
With bangles and baubles and Christmassy clothes,
I'll festoon things with ribbons and splash them with bows.
I'll ring and I'll sing and maybe I'll whistle.
A virtual wonderland creating missile.
Ok I'm getting off track, but you get it right?
And now I am waiting for his response. So far, there's only been silence.