I mentioned earlier this month that there was an incident with a dead bird on my front porch that left me sort of traumatized. Well today all of the horribleness of that day was revisited when I left my house this morning to run to the dry-cleaners and saw another dead bird laying on our driveway. I couldn't ignore it because it was lying directly behind one of the wheels of our car and I knew waiting until Ryan got home would be worthless anyway seeing as he's terrified of birds (even dead ones) and I would have to be the one to remove the bird from our property.
So I went and got a plastic bag and bent to scoop up the poor tiny little bird so I could carry it to the dumpster and dispose of it. But then I felt sad that this would be the second bird in two weeks that I was callously tossing in the garbage and also got a little nervous that God was visiting dead birds on me for some sin I had committed in order to punish me and that if I didn't redeem myself soon a plague of dead birds would descend upon me, wings not-a-flapping and beaks not-a-cawing.
So I went back inside and collected the things I would need to give Jack The Sparrow a proper burial and headed back outside.
Fifteen minutes later Ryan came home from work early.
Ryan: What on earth are you doing?
Lauren: Ahhh! Go back to work! Nothing!
Ryan: Are you digging a hole? Are you using the sterling silver spoon from our wedding china? What are you wearing? WHY ARE THOSE OUT HERE!?
Lauren: One question at a time quizmaster.
Ryan: Lauren, why are my shorts laying on the ground next to you? Are you burying my shorts? Are you burying my favorite shorts?
Lauren: I hate these stupid shorts! You've had them since high school and they have holes in them and they say "Lady Vikings" on them.
Ryan: They have holes in them because they are made out of mesh. **Goes to grab shorts**
Lauren: You might not want to touch those shorts, the pockets are full of dead birds.
Ryan: What?! You know I hate birds Lauren. Now I can never wear those shorts again!
Lauren: Oh good, so I can bury them then?
Ryan: Fine whatever, I'm going inside, I need a nap or some Tequila or something. I'm not even going to ask again about the spoon or the crown or the fact that you have notecards in your back pocket.
Lauren: It's a tiara Ryan. Because today is National Wear Something Gaudy Day.
Ryan: I'm never coming home early again. I might even start coming home late if it means I can avoid some of these "Lauren Moments."
Lauren: GOOD. More time for puzzles. And also, you think you have it bad Ryan? EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE IS A LAUREN MOMENT! Do you know how hard that is?
Ryan: Tequila it is. **Goes inside**
So then I went back to burying Jack in the corner of the flower bed in front of our house. And then our next door neighbor walked by with her two dogs and I waved and she looked at me all weird. And then I realized that what she was seeing was an almost 30-year-old woman digging in the dirt with a silver spoon while wearing a tiny crown. Lovely. Lauren Moment indeed.
Whatever though, at least she didn't walk by when I was reciting the rap I wrote the bird to the tune of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song. (And yes I will totally post the rap, I'm saving it for its own post later this week!)
Oh and don't feel bad for Ryan about his mesh lady shorts. They seriously have been around since he was in high school (our mascot was the Vikings) and they were falling apart at the seams. If I didn't bury the bird in them, I definitely would have just thrown them out. I'm sure in time actually that Ryan will find the final resting place of shorts fitting. Afterall, he does always tell me that the only good bird is a dead bird.
Also, in my defense I was only using that spoon because we do not have a shovel and it is huge and has sharp edges.
Anything interesting happening in your lives Blogstalkers? Does anyone else google what National Day it is everyday?
Seriously, you made my day! It's been crazy at work, and I'm fighting a cold and you just made me laugh out loud! I so need that!
ReplyDeletePlease tell me you are going to post the rap!
Haha I'm saving the rap for tomorrow or Friday I think. Glad I made you laugh.
DeleteLove it! Please post the rap!
ReplyDeleteI will I promise! It's really long though so I'm going to make it a post all of its own.
DeleteI left work to run an errand and came back to find delicious homemade cookies on my desk :) that's how exciting my life is. . . I think I definitely need a tiny crown
ReplyDeleteIf that happened to me I would be very nervous. But that is because my desk is inside my house and I am the only one home during the day.
DeleteNow I have the fresh prince stuck in my head, thank you for that haha
ReplyDeleteSorry! Really I am. That's a tough one to beat.
DeleteI think it's admirable that you gave Jack the Sparrow a dignified funeral. Tell the truth though. You were digging with a silver spoon just in case Jack came back to life as a vampire bird so you could stab him, weren't you?
ReplyDeleteI didn't even think of that! Just using the silver spoon because we don't have a shovel and it was the biggest spoon I had. I cleaned it very well and polished it up after I was finished.
DeleteUsually nothing interesting happens to me. But yesterday I had my iphone stolen by a famous tv actor. True story Lauren. Read it here http://boundsblog16.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteDigging a bird grave with a silver spoon, hmm? I have nothing to compete with that! Made me laugh, though, and for that I thank you!
ReplyDeleteAfter I finished laughing really hard, I put on my wedding tiara in honor of Jack The Sparrow and National Wear Something Gaudy Day. So you go right ahead and tell Ryan that you're not the only one.
ReplyDeleteI would have to move if I found more than one dead bird... I would think that they are planning an attack and are sending me a message.
ReplyDeleteSo, now, even though I'm always totally intimidated by your wit and humor to ever leave a comment, you've managed to guilt me in to leaving one today. Happy??
ReplyDelete2 things....
ReplyDelete#1. Have you ever seen the episode of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon has a blue jay outside his apartment window? Hilarious!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIDDxHLXm-E
#2. I have lived in Ottawa for 11 years now. It is our version of Washington, D.C. - full of politicians and public servants and stuffy people who don't smile or say hello when you pass them on the street. But. But! They ALL said hello to me this one day that I wore a tiara around town. "Oh, aren't you pretty!" "Well who is the pretty princess?"
Maybe they thought I was out of the loony bin on a weekend pass, but that isn't the point. Life is better in a tiara. THAT is the point. :)
This totally made me think about the time I buried my hamster in a shoebox in the backyard. I tried digging in the clay soil with my moms kitchen spoons. But your story is eleventy billion times better.
ReplyDeleteWell I applaud you for even burying the bird. I don't touch dead animals at my household that is what I have a son and husband for, and to take out the garbage. :) Tell Ryan if he wasn't such a chicken and took care of the bird business he might have been able to keep his shorts a little longer. Love your posts. You always put a smile on my face.
ReplyDeleteAmazeballs. I heart you and your blog.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should smudge the porch and boundaries of your yard with sage. To cleanse all the bird spirits. Thanks for making me laugh and YES I love knowing what DAY it is.
ReplyDeleteLaughed out loud! Ryan would totally say all those things!
ReplyDeleteMy dog found a still alive baby bird one night, and he would not give up the baby bird until I found a shoebox and made it a little bed. That bird died, much to doggy's chagrin, and he guarded that little bird like his life depended on it.
ReplyDeleteOh my...this sent me into a fit of completely silent gut-wrenching laughter!
ReplyDeleteAre crowns gaudy? I wear them often, even when I'm not burying dead birds...hmm...
ReplyDeleteHad a totally crappy day till I read your blog. Hilarious. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI am troubled that you think a tiara is gaudy. That's something a grownup would say!!
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing. So very amazing. I am a bird person (don't tell Ryan, I don't want him to hate me) and I love that you did this. I'll also be changing my will to incorporate a rap of some kind at my funeral. And tiaras. I want them passed out at the door like 5-year-old girl birthday party favors.
ReplyDeleteThe other night my husband and I were changing the words to songs to make them about our cats. After a few minutes of that we looked at each other with the realization that what we were doing was probably really dorky. So I'm glad to know we aren't the only ones that do that kind of thing! Looking forward to the bird rap :)!
ReplyDeleteI buried a dead bird this summer. I didn't know we were supposed to wear tiaras or rap though. Poor bird, didn't even get a proper funeral.
ReplyDeleteMy life is on the up! I had this empowering moment yesterday and felt happier than I have in ages. I currently suffer from "Lack of Doctor Who"-ennui though. Finished the DVD box I was on last night and am now debating whether it is wise or financially responsible to buy the next one right away (I don't watch them on TV because it's not on here (sucky Swedish television, pfft) and I don't watch online for other reasons).
I saw a girl at uni today who was dressed as what can best be described as Alice in Wonderland with pink hair. It was cool. Also some people were making a film and they had scary masks on. This is unrelated to Alice.
About the lack of comments thing: I am lazy and have been busier than usual, and also I am often plagued with self-doubt and wonder if my comments are worth posting... Usually you get a lot of comments so I wonder if mine are even seen or matter.
Also, confession time: I don't read your How Ryan Met Lauren posts because I'm afraid it'll depress me that I don't have love like yours. That sounds kind of bitter maybe. It just reminds me of my ex and all the hopes I had for us and blah blah. But I will get to them too.
What kind of puzzles do you do?
I tend to miss these national/international something days. I want in on the fun, but can't be bothered to Google for them all the time. I need a reminder thing.
Long comment is long.
Dr put me on Zoloft for Postpartum Anxiety today... turns out while Zoloft makes other people calm for me it is like speed. I have been at work all day dusting, rearranging and telling anyone and everyone who has the unfortunate luck of stumbling into my office all about whatever happens to be on my mind at the moment. I just overshared about this weekend when my college roomate came to visit and we gave my three month old a mustache, she did not find me nearly as funny as I found myself.. and now I have overshared with all of you. Calling the Dr when I'm out of work, and taking myself off of Zoloft.
ReplyDeleteHa! You made my day :) Please tell Ryan he is not the only one that hates birds. I REALLY hate them.
ReplyDeleteI always feel bad for the dead birds too. I haven't buried one yet, but the next time I find one I am totally going to bury it in a tiara and with a spoor for a shovel. Because that is *awesome*.
ReplyDeleteMy bird story of the week:
ReplyDeleteA couple days ago there was a pigeon sitting in front of the door to my daughter's school. It gave me a casual "what are you looking at?" sort of expression, but I was disconcerted nonetheless. I tried to shoo the thing away but he just skirted around and returned to his corner, where I noticed a well-established pile of droppings had been established. So I picked the bird up and walked to my car. That's what everyone would do, right? But my car was really clean, so I couldn't just put the pigeon on the passenger seat. Luckily, I carry resuable shopping backs, so I put him in a sack, which doubled as a good disguise when I carried him inside because I'm not allowed to have animals in my apartment.
At home, I put him in a box near a heating vent and he promptly took a nap, with a new, "thank God, I always wished I had been born in Florida" expression. I called around to wildlife rehabbers but they all refused my not-such-an-emergency napping pigeon, so what to do now? At the instruction of the "experts," (who actually said to just leave him in the woods, but out of the way, in case it really did have a broken wing or something) I set about releasing him in our back yard, whereupon he sat down, gave me a pissed off, "it's cold out here, where's my box?" expression, and then remained there for several hours.
Long story short, he never flew away. I finally decided that he really did need my help, but by then he had entered private property in front of some very exposed picture windows and I was concerned about being the crazy-pigeon-trespassing-lady. I eventually lost track of him. And it rained that night. I feel like a pigeon-murderer now. :(
Sure, you wrote a rap for the bird, but did you say a few words for the shorts that bravely gave up their twilight years so you could bury a bird in comfort?
ReplyDeletewas it seriously Wear Something Gaudy Day? I'm so pissed that I missed that!
ReplyDeleteYou should make a calendar. Like as a public service so I would know that today I really really needed to wear those sequin earrings that I thought were cool when I bought them but later realized I don't go anywhere fancy enough to wear sequins too.
Could you do that please? If that's too much trouble, than I'm going to need you to declare that Every Single Wednesday (does not actually have to be wednesday) is Wear Something Gaudy (or sparkly) Day in BlogStalkerLand.
k- thanks.
I can't believe i missed wear something gaudy day! I'm also slightly afraid of birds, but I hate to see them dead on the ground. I tell people that i don't clean the patio glass door so as not to cause more birds to crash to their deaths. Also, your blog title reminds me of a poem i wrote for my creative writing class. It had to rhyme and turned out rather gruesome all about stuffing a bird in a sack and hanging it on a rack. My poem about the alarm clock was much better.
ReplyDeleteIf I ever decided I needed to stalk someone, I think it would be you. And knowing how creepy that sounds, allow me to clarify...your stories are always so friggin entertaining and funny, it would be amazing to actually see them happening in real life. If for no other reason then to see the expressions on Ryan's face when he catches you doing things like this.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a bird story, but I have a squirrel story. We have these really arrogant squirrels who come onto our balcony and steal our tomatoes. So, my husband being the wonderful, soft-hearted person he is, laid in wait with his fishing net and caught one. He didn't kill it, he drove up the street to a really nice park and let it out. I totally couldn't believe he had done such a thing. I laughed and laughed, but I'm really proud of him for not doing the "manly" thing and just killing it.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, I love your blog and your "Lauren" moments are an awful lot like my everyday moments too. It makes me feel "normal." You my dear, are a rockstar!!!
Carol D.
There is a woman I know who puts a tiara on any day she's feeling blue, stressed, mad...whatever. She wears it to remind herself that no matter what, she is a princess. She is probably late 40 something. I find it weird and fun at the same time. :)
ReplyDeleteIf you are really looking into a volunteer opportunity, you should check out Shriners Hopsital. There is one in Chicago, they are an absolutely amazing organization and are most certainly responsible for saving my son from a lifetime of deformity and possibly death from an aggressive form of progressive infantile scoliosis. You would leave that volunteer opportunity blessed in the best possible way. Promise. :)
There was totally a dead bird on your driveway over the weekend when I went to pick up the dogs. I forgot to tell you! How does that always happen to your house?! And how do we make it stop?! Poor birdies :-(
ReplyDeletePer your suggestion, I'm now a fan of National "____" day googling. Check out this site: http://www.punchbowl.com/holidays
ReplyDeleteI CAN'T WAIT FOR INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY OCTOBER 22ND! THINK I CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS AT WORK??
Most of the National Days are food related. I think Ryan might like that. It could be the theme of your dinners :-P
DeleteCaleb already put National Boston Creme Pie day in the calendar
I don't Google what "National Day" it is, but I will now! What an awesome idea!
ReplyDeleteI totally would use the serving spoon. It's washable! What's the problemo?
And I have Michelle moments as often as you do Lauren moments. Ryan needs to stop having RYAN moments, build a bridge and get over it.
First of all there are 4 of me(because I like to pretend that I'm the original 'Melissa' and everyone else is just a copycat)which is a little freaky, commenting here.(Group meeting will be held later.)
ReplyDeleteSecond I bought a white fur (unknown if real or not) bolero jacket at a vintage (older than dirt)store and a tiara and sent them to a friend in Germany with post pardum with strict instructions to wear them when feeling blue but to send it off to another new mom when they are all better. Am full believer in the power of tiaras!
Third It is too hard to type when you're hands are busy wiping away tears of laughter and you're busy elbowing your cat to see if they caught that funny quip about the wild cat attack on your honeymoon. FYI Cats only find themselves funny, they are bitches like that.
Why do men hold onto these shorts?? My husband had a pair that were horrible. I told him if he wore them outside the nouse one more time, they were gone. We all know what happened next! I just threw them out regular though. Well, i hid them for a year to make sure he wasn't going to divorce me first....and then I threw them out! Haha!
ReplyDeleteI had no idea Wear Something Gaudy Day existed and now I'm sad that I missed it. I did present someone with a sparkly heart shaped (chilli, white chocolate and pistachio) cake, is that gaudy enough? I clearly must start googling national holidays!
ReplyDeleteI will totally start googling what National Day it is. I will be so much better prepared! Also, what is it with men and their lady shorts??
ReplyDeleteAfter a day arguing with my teenage sons, your blog always makes me smile. Thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteMy day was really boring in comparison. I have never googled what national day it is, but now I really want to! I have to be prepared for these things!
ReplyDeleteI think one of the great things about this story is what can happen afterwards. Hopefully, at some function where you have people over for dinner, you will be using this same spoon and you can say "You know, I performed a burial with that same spoon you're eating that with". It will be amazing.
ReplyDeleteoh dear sweet lauren, never ever ever say you have too much time on your hands. do, however, continue to have these moments. as my own personal "lauren moments" are not near as funny :-)
ReplyDeleteLMN
I had a run in with an evil bug...other than that nothing near as entertaining... I love to Google random national holidays!
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha, too funny! I can't wait to see the rap :)
ReplyDeleteI had a really shitty day and this made me laugh my ass off :) (Sidenote: it is also National Ass Day according to Twitter...)
ReplyDeleteBelated gaudy day tomorrow and we totally need a calendar. That way all of us Besties can celebrate together.
ReplyDeleteA absolutely adore you, mainly because you make me realize that it is ok to be weird and fun and wear crowns and act like a kid. I think you might me my spirit animal...or maybe a long lost cousin twice removed.
ReplyDeleteJessicaMarie
I agree with JessicaMarie. I didn't have a totally great day but I had a great class and I'm sure I was weird during it as well. I'm glad I waited to read this cause I'll go to bed smiling. Thanks for that.
ReplyDeletecockamamie
ReplyDeleteI love you.
That is all
Awwww poor little birdies :'( My day was much more fun, my boyfriend gave me a sonic screw driver (see Dr. Who if you don't know what it is) for our 6 month anniversary which gained me the admiration of several of the nerds/geeks at my former University's gamers lounge (the joys of dating someone still in college when you've just graduated I spend just as much time on campus as I did before getting my degree) and then to top off my day he was finally forced to introduce me to his mother (he's been holding out because he's frankly terrified of being the first in his family to bring home the person he's dating) because the battery on their car died while they were waiting for his sister (we were able to get the car started and get them on their way home after about half an hour thankfully). All in all I'd call it a great, and challenging day.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was growing up, we had a sliding glass door that birds used to run into all the time. Most of the time Mom had them cleaned up before my sister got home. This one day, my sister was there when it happened. She scooped up the bird (no gloves) and started to give it chest compressions (thankfully not mouth to mouth). It didn't survive, but we all knew she'd make a great nurse! We had a ceremony in the backyard complete with my brother being a pall bearer. I think someone said a few words. My Dad, who hunts things on a regular basis, thought we were nuts.
ReplyDeleteA co-worker of my husband hit a rather large bird while driving to work and it got pushed thru his car's grill. Ugh. It was dead and stuck between the grill and whatever is behind the grill. I don't know what possessed my husband to do this, but he worked that bird back out of the grill. It must've been in pieces. Ick. So, if you lived near us, Robert would be your go-to guy for bird removal/disposal.:)
ReplyDeleteLauren moments happen to me on the daily, but we call them candice moments. (They used to call them blond moments, until everyone in the office decided that since I wasn't blond there needed to be a new name)I would have cried. And cried. Kudos to you for being strong. Seeing as how I have chickens, and peacocks, and birds, OH MY... I would not have the heart to deal with a dead bird in my yard. :(
ReplyDeleteMan so far I've missed out on National No Bra day and National Wear Something Gaudy. I totally have something gaudy I could've rocked. Guess I'll have to start Googling that after my morning weather check.
ReplyDeleteUm, I'm in the same boat as Ryan on the bird thing. They don't have arms. It's weird. Plus, they carry all kinds of gross diseases. BLECH! I have "C.J. moments" all the time. Luckily the people I hang out with have learned to go with it. :)
ReplyDelete"Every moment of my life is a lauren moment. Do know hard that is?" - I am so using this, with obvious revisions.
ReplyDeleteCertain clothing items that once belonged to my partner seem to occasionally disappear. I'm not sure what happens to them ... currently there are a couple of other things that may mysteriously disappear. You just never know when these things may occur.
you win... best post!
ReplyDeletethis part was my favorite: "EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE IS A LAUREN MOMENT! Do you know how hard that is?"
i totally feel like that, only exchange Lauren with Camille.
last week i was on a beach in puerto rico, today was my first day back in my cell... i mean, CUBE. thanks for saving my day & making me laugh :)
Two words: bird flu.
ReplyDelete