A Letter To My Husband On The Eve Of The Eve Of The Eve Of His 29th Birthday

Hey Blogstalkers!

Early tomorrow morning Ryan and I are leaving to drive to St. Louis for my cousin Lacy's wedding so unfortunately there will be no post tomorrow. I would write an entry in the car and then post it when we get to our hotel but I promised Ryan I will be like a DJ Extraordinaire while he drives.

Actually, because I am gangster, I said "Do not be fretting son, I am not fitting to let my shorty make this trip without mad beats, yo."  And then Ryan was like "Never do that again."

So since I won't be posting tomorrow and since I never post on the weekends, mainly because I am usually drinking and/or drunk*, I will be using today to write an open letter to Ryan, whose birthday is Sunday.

*Kidding! I swear!

Moving on....

To My Ryan,

There are so many things I adore about you, so many reasons I chose you as my partner through this sometimes treacherous journey that is life.  For one, you are three months older than me and turn all the scary ages first.  Also, you were the only one that would have me.  Thanks for that.  I am sorry for being the reason your life is so treacherous.

There are so many other things for which I want to thank you.  For only yelling at me a little when I stole the cheese triangles out of your Subway Club and added them to my own sandwich when you were in the bathroom for example.  Although honestly that was your own fault for not letting me order triple-double cheese and for child-locking the car and refusing to let me out to enter Subway unless I promised that this time I wouldn't ask for a lettuce wrap except with cheese instead of lettuce.  Just because they've always said they couldn't do that in the past does not mean that they will say no this time RYAN.  I know it's possible.  I've done it myself at home once or more than twice.  For which you should thank me; I save you so much money on bread.

Well I sort of went off on a tangent there.  But I know you understand that fights about dairy get me pretty fired up.  You understand me so well.  Like last week when Vanessa was over and used the word "cheated" like four times until I couldn't take it anymore and had to run to the kitchen.  Vanessa was puzzled but I heard you explain "the word 'cheated' makes her think about cheese heated and then she wants a grilled cheese sandwich."  Also thanks for sticking up for me and saying that you didn't believe I had cheated at that game of cards. (I did a little though and for that I apologize.)

You've always been really quite excellent at sticking up for me.  Remember that one time when we were at Summer Fest in Milwaukee and I was waiting for you outside the men's washroom and I was kind of sick so I was wearing sweat pants and a hoodie and no makeup and my hair was on top of my head and that guy came up to me and said "I like a girl who doesn't feel like she needs to dress up for me," and then like stuck his hand up the back of my shirt?  And then you came out of the bathroom and saw what was going on and knew I was blameless and shoved the guy really hard and then we literally ran away together?  Thanks, that was awesome.

I would run away with you to anywhere.  Except to the moon because you know how outer space scares me.  You know everything that scares me.  Which is why you always help when I'm checking the bed for spiders at night and you don't complain about having to help me take off fucking turtlenecks and boots and get off of elevators and wait for the next one if too many other people get on.  You never question my math when I add up the estimated weights of everyone on said elevators and decide it's above the limit, even though you're well aware I exaggerate wildly.  And the one time my sister complained about vacating the elevator saying "We are nowhere near the weight limit!" And I said "What if all of those women had bricks in their purses?" and my sister looked at you incredulously and you just said "That would have put it over the limit."  That is like the moment I decided I wanted to marry you.  We were already married at that time, but you know what I mean.  You know how arachnophobic and claustrophobic and globophobic I am.  (The last one means "fearful of balloons.")

And not only do you know all of the things that I'm fearful of but you also know all of the things I just don't like.  If I'm served anything with sun-dried tomatoes or coconut at a restaurant (after specifically requesting it be left out of the dish) you send it back for me and let me share your food while we wait.  And then when I like your food better than my food when it eventually comes, you trade with me and though you say you might as well "because you've already just about licked this plate clean" I have my suspicions that LOVE is the real reason.  You also do your best to distract my eyes from the road when you're driving and spot roadkill.  You know how sad roadkill makes me.  You're always trying to make my life more lovely, but I'll tell you something, it's pretty lovely already.

Why do I say that you ask?  Because more than anything else, you know all of the things I love.  You know I love the fall so you took the scenic route to the lake the other day so I could stare at the leaves.  And you're taking me to New York later this month so I can see Central Park in all its autumn glory.  And while we're there, because you know I love musicals and have seen the movie Bring It On starring Jesse Bradford one thousand times, you've consented to go see the musical version with me.  You even listen to the soundtrack with me at night so that we'll know the words to all the songs.  And right now there is a package that came today sitting downstairs that you will not let me open and you will not tell me what is inside.  You did tell me that you would call the police on me if I opened the package before you got home like I threatened, but still.  You watch Project Runway with me even though you hate it and you let me paint our bedroom purple.  You are the only person who does not make fun of me for how often I call the vet even though we both know it was ridiculous when I called last week because I thought Daisy was getting too tan and wondered if we should keep her out of the sun entirely.

There are about a million other things I could say to you right now.  But this letter is getting long and though it started out kind of funny, is turning into a mushy mess.  And I know how much you hate messes.  I just want to say, I'm glad you're here.  And that I will never let you unmarry me.  Not for all the cheese in the world and only maybe for a swimming pool full of rubies.  Because if I ever have a swimming pool full of rubies, I have an awesome plan.

That is all.

50 comments:

  1. I have to wonder if we were at Summerfest at the same time....

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    1. We go most years, so probably. But the year I was talking about was like 2005.

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  2. Meg Mullendore10/11/2012

    I love, love this letter!!!!!

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  3. This is the most adorable thing I have ever read. How awesome that you have someone that just knows you and loves everything quirky thing about you. I love this post

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  4. Ligouri10/11/2012

    When can we see pictures of the purple room?

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  5. That was really really nice. It is exactly how I feel about my husband who can drive me bonkers but is generally super awesome at all the right times and about the right things. Except that one time at a party when I asked him if he wanted to get food (it was buffet style) and he said "I'm good for now" so I decided to wait for him and was chatting with some people and turned around and he was making himself a sandwich.

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  6. That sorta kinda a little bit made me want to cry. <3

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  7. Loveliest post I have ever read. Fact.

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  8. What's in the package?!?!

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  9. That was lovely.

    Just a word of warning, "Bring It On" the musical was really not that good and not based on the first movie (which is SUCH a good movie). It's more based off the one with Hayden Panettiere which was no where near as good as the first. It's fun, but really if you can see Book of Mormon, do it.

    P.S. Spiders are evil.

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  10. You two are adorable. My heart melted a little bit and it's not even my marriage :D

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  11. I've always believed that love notes laced with sarcasm are much more meaningful than your garden variety sweetness. That was adorable. I now want to hug you both.

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  12. Love this! So sweet.
    We also have to have a discussion about cheese and grilled cheese. There is a place in Cleveland called Melt that specializes in grilled cheese! I think you should come to Ohio and we should go together and we will order one of everything! Minus sun dried tomatoes,coconut and raw onion(that's mine)!

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    1. I have been wanting to go to Melt so bad! I think on my husband's birthday next month we will finally try it!

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    2. LOVE MELT! I go monthly.

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    3. LOVE MELT! I go monthly.

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    4. I'm going next month for the first time, but at least once a month I look at their menu and drool....

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  13. I'm dying to know; if you ever get a swimming pool full of rubies, what is your awesome plan?

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  14. This is incredibly adorable! You are very lucky to have found such a perfect match.

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  15. Soooo sweet! I live on the Ill side of St Louis, so virtual wave as you drive by!!

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  16. I love this. I love that you let your freak flag fly. Name that movie.

    I loved the part about guess people's weights for elevator limits because I do that too. But I never considered the women having bricks in their purses. I'm worried now that I have gotten in elevators over the limit because of hidden bricks.

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  17. Paige Hudson Garcia10/11/2012

    THAT was totally awesome. Hooray for good husbands and wives who love them, because they're scarcer than they should be <3

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  18. This is so sweet! It's awesome having a husband that knows all the little things about your personality and even if he thinks your little quirks are totally crazy, he still tolerates them and loves you for them. Happy birthday Ryan, I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you ;-)!

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  19. A cheese wrap is genius!

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  20. Mary P.10/11/2012

    Aww... you guys make me smile! Ryan is very sweet to you... and you, him. I have a very thoughtful fiance, but I think we're going to have to have a talk about why he hasn't taken me to see the leaves in New York (Fall is my favorite too). Though I think he would let me ask for a cheese wrap as many times as I want. He's from Wisconsin. I think it's a law there. I wonder if Subway in Wisconsin would make you a cheese wrap?

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  21. I wish I felt this way about someone. It's heartwarming and wonderful to have someone that understands you, protects you and loves you. I'm happy I found your blog and was able to read this. Have a great time at the wedding.

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  22. That was wonderful. Thanks for the big smile!

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  23. Monica K.10/11/2012

    You found your penguin! This was incredibly sweet. I hope you have a great trip, and happy birthday to Ryan!

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  24. He is one lucky man!

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  26. I love reading about the you + Ryan. Love. It reminds me of me in the future with my Brian. When there will be a happy Chrissy and an endearing Brian to love her. And lots and lots of cheese.

    So thank you. For making smile and imagine all of the happy things that will come in my future. (OK that sounds like I'm not happy. So married-ness withstanding, I have happy things too and your stories make me think of them. Shoot! I'm rambling on someone else's blog. Again. Sorry for that.)

    Plus, you make me laugh.

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  27. Aww, that is perhaps the sweetest love letter I've ever read. That Ryan is one lucky fella!

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  28. Dianna O.10/12/2012

    WOW! It is so awesome to hear all the ways you guys are perfect for each other. This inspires me to write one to my hubby for our 2 year anniversary. Thanks for the awesome idea!

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  29. That was very sweet. Thanks for sharing...your love is inspiring.

    Off topic, just wanted to make sure you were aware of this concoction: http://www.theyummylife.com/Parmesan_cheese_bowls

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  30. Happy birthday Ryan! What was in the box?

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  31. Megan M.10/12/2012

    That is so sweet. I would love to know your plan for a swimming pool full of rubies.

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  32. I could have written a good portion of this letter. I find it hard to believe that there are two men in the world who would search a bed for spiders, and get off an elevator just because my math makes me think we're going to die... but apparently there are :)
    Happy Birthday to Ryan

    Also I think there is a conspiracy among restaurants that dictates that whatever the male patron at the table orders will taste better. Lucky for me mine will often trade me if I get food envy, even if he also doesnt care for whatever I decided was the greatest idea on earth twenty minutes earlier!

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  33. WoodsCommaL10/12/2012

    Love this. And IMHO - Bring it On the Musical was fun. Its not going to win any Tony Awards, but I enjoyed it (I saw it in preview in Atlanta so they may have changed parts). Full Disclosure: I also enjoyed Legally Blonde the Musical. Have fun!

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  34. Aww. You've found a good one.

    There's a musical version of Bring It On? Cool.

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  35. You're scared of taking off turtlenecks?

    Good golly girl - why on earth would you put them on then?

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  36. PS - turtlenecks are far more likely to hug your neck really hard/strangle you when you first put them on and they're all constricty from the dryer. By end of day, they're all stretched out.

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  37. Isn't it great being married to someone that gets you, no matter how weird other people may think you are?! I'm lucky to have that, too. =)

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  38. Aww. That was so sweet. :)

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  39. You guys are too stinking cute. Now I want lettuce wrapped in cheese wrapped in lettuce with a touch of honey mustard maybe.

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  40. I think every committed person needs a letter like this written to them.

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  41. LAUREN! You are in St. Louis this weekend and you didn't even call to warn me ahead of time so that I could pretend to care about how my house looks! You could come over and I would make you grilled cheeses, or take you to Pi which is the best pizza joint, well unless you count Smugala's, and you could order their all cheese pizza! Seriously, though, it is amazing!

    Well I digress. I suppose I shant (yes, shant) be seeing you this weekend, even if you are only a little ways away from me and we might never be closer. I mean that in a totally, non-stalker but gosh-I-love-you-soooo-much-Lauren kinda way.

    Have fun at the wedding, and yes, I agree it is fantabulous that you found the person that "gets" you. My person is very cranky and yelly today. I think having three kids will do that to you though....

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  42. I love this post sooooooooooo much. :)

    The best part about being in a loving relationship is the language you take on that only the two of you really understand. All the inside jokes, the trigger words, the nuances and implications...

    The fact that you both understand and appreciate each other, and that you have so willingly shared your love for Ryan is refreshing, in my opinion.

    I'm not sure when it became so "cool" to talk smack about our lovers, but I wholeheartedly disagree with the trend, and it seems you do, as well.

    You are both very lucky to have each other.

    Quirks, undeniable charm, phobias and all!

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  43. First of all...I love this post. Sweet and amazing with just the right touch of awesome and funny. Sounds a lot like your relationship. :)

    Also, my birthday was on Saturday (also spent at a wedding), and at midnight at the bar I totally ordered a round of shots for my friends and toasted to Ryan. It probably would have confused them a lot more if I didn't do this on a regular basis for Harry Potter's birthday, Ron's birthday, Hermione's birthday, etc. And also if I hadn't been just drunk enough to barely qualify as a human (turning 28 is HARD!). I'm assuming they all just figured I was toasting to another of my literally imaginary friends, and accepted the free alcohol with open arms (mouths?). But really I was toasting to Ryan (and really, to you). So Happy Ryan's birthday, from me!

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  44. Anonymous10/18/2012

    i have carried lead bricks in attache cases. not on the elevator but on the plane.

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