Pull Over There's A Reason Why My Soul's Unsound.

Morning Blogstalkers!

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this on the blog before, but Ryan is like the slowest eater of all time.  He would argue with that sentence.  But it is true.  I offer the following as unobstructable proof.

A couple of weeks ago we were eating at FlatTop, which is, for all of you non-midwesterners, a make-your-own-stir-fry place.  Basically you grab a bowl, fill it with noodles or rice and an assortment of fresh fruits and vegetables, top it with your sauce of choice and choose a protein to be included.  Then you give your bowl to the dude running the teppanyaki style grill and go sit down and wait for them to bring it to you.

This is how our most recent visit to FlatTop went down.

Ryan and I head to the buffet to prepare their bowls.  Ryan is ahead of me and already taking an interminably long time to do anything.

Lauren: (In British accent) Excuse me good sir, may I play through?

Ryan: What are the chances you can just be normal today?

Lauren: Stop trying to put me in a box RYAN.  You can not cage my enthusiasm for life.

Then Ryan muttered something about boxes and cages that I chose not to hear and I finished preparing my bowl and went back to our table.  Like ten minutes later I looked up from the Archie comic book I had brought along in my purse and was like "Where the eff is Ryan?"  To make sure he hadn't like, slipped in an errant ladle of sauce and broken his collar bone, I headed back to the buffet area.

There, I spied Ryan, bones intact, sprinkle the top of his stir-fry with peanut halves, then step back and look at his bowl quizzically before adding like three more peanut halves with a gesture that can only be described as a flourish.  Then he nodded his head emphatically and finally relinquished his meal to the guy at the grill who, like me, had been watching this performance with incredulity and eye-rolling.

Back at the table we had this conversation.

Ryan: You know, you don't have to be like, attached to my hip at all times.  I can handle making a stir-fry without you checking up on me.

Lauren: I would be more than happy to not check up on you but you were taking so long that I was almost positive that you had been kidnapped by land pirates.

Ryan: Land Pirates?  That is not a thing.

Lauren: It was the only logical explanation for why you were gone for so long.  And also, if a genie appeared right now and granted me three wishes my first one would be for the phrase "That is not a thing," to be stricken from your vocabulary.  That is how tired I am of hearing it.

Ryan: Lauren! No! You always wish for more wishes.

Lauren: I learned from Aladdin that you are not allowed to do that.  You're also not allowed to wish for true love, which right this second, I am finding very unfortunate.

We were interrupted by the arrival of our food.  I should mention at this point that before you hand over your bowl to be cooked, you write your name on a little wooden stick and place it in the bowl so that the server knows to whom each stir-fry belongs.

Server: Ryan?

Lauren: *shouts* Yep! That's me! (and takes bowl before Ryan has a chance to respond.)

Server: Great.  (Looking at Ryan) then you sir must be (looks at stick) Trueheart Gobsmack?

Ryan: ::sigh:: Of course.  Why wouldn't I be...

The server leaves and Ryan and I switch bowls while he glares at me and I smile sweetly.

For a while we concentrate on eating and there isn't much conversation besides "How's your food?" and "Please pass the Sriracha."  Soon (but not too soon) I am finished eating and am ready to ask for a box so I can take home the rest of my food.  Ryan though, has not made a dent in his bowl.

Lauren: Have you even started eating yet?

Ryan: Oh sorry I don't just inhale my food like you.

Lauren: A piece of broccoli just fell out of your mouth as you said that.  You are eating so slowly that you're actually starting to go backwards.

Ryan: Next time we're here I can ask the server if they have any shovels you can use to eat if that would be easier for you.

Lauren: Believe me when I say that I've got something for your punk ass.

Ryan: If a genie appeared right now and granted me three wishes my first wish would be for more wishes and my second wish would be that you would stop trying to argue with me using Sublime lyrics.

Lauren: But alas you do not got a genie.  Do you know what you do got?

Ryan: I swear to everything holy if you say "Lovin, is what I got," I'm going to drown you in my iced tea.

Lauren: Easy Ryan, don't start a riot.

Ryan: I think we can leave now, I've suddenly lost my appetite.

And then the server came over to the table to give us our check and the best thing of all time ever happened.

Server: All finished Mr. Gobsmack? *winks at me*

And then all of the breath left my body and I fell sideways out of my chair in a happiness faint.  And then I came to and left the server a one million dollar tip, which Ryan crossed out and grudgingly replaced with 25% of the bill, because even he had to admit that he'd been gobsmacked.

The End.

UPDATED: Heather from Like A Cup Of Tea sent me this today.  It is being made into a tee shirt STAT.



What would you wish for if a genie appeared to you right now Blogstalkers?


99 comments:

  1. Seriously, you are brilliant!!

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  2. I would ask for every season of 90210 on blue ray 3D so I can see Dylan McKay in crystal clear perfection so I can pretend it's me he's kissing. Luke Perry is my Justin Timberlake.

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  3. i would wish to live with you, that's how awesome this story is! sigh!

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    1. Haha you're welcome anytime!

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  4. I totally LOL'ed when I read the part about him eating backwards!

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    1. Happy to have made you laugh!

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  5. Amazing! I will have to do this to my husband now. He'll thank me for it. ^_^


    I would wish for a job that I enjoyed, that paid me well enough to live. Then I would wish for a magic car that never needed gas, never broke down and would do all the driving for me because I'm afraid of driving. Lastly I would wish for something to eat right now because I'm really hungry and make bad choices when I'm hungry.

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    1. I am so right there with you on the magic car thing. I drive a lot more now that I'm at home and the one in charge of running all of the errands but it still scares me, especially in a big city.

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    2. The "bad choices when I'm hungry thing"? That was funny. Way to go, Captain.

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    3. I laughed out loud at that too!

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  6. That was seriously the best thing ever. I absolutely loved the banter and the fact that your server remembered the name haha

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    1. I was really impressed with the server too. He was awesome.

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  7. I would wish that all of our arguments could be sublime lyrics. (I may have to try this one out) My husband just ignores me and sings his soundtrack that plays over and over in his head. (He swears he dreams and lives with a soundtrack playing)I'm starting to believe it. I mean, a south Georgia farmer doesn't usually wake up singing wu-tang songs... or do they?

    You tell Ryan aka Mr. Gobsmack..."Well bless your heart and all your vital organs. One day he will be able to eat like a big boy " ;)

    Much Love...and good luck with that :)
    Candice

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    1. The soundtrack thing is so cool! I wish I had a soundtrack running through my head.

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  8. I think you somewhat got your wish! Hazaa! I would wish for a nice cottage in Ireland to live with my cats and my mom *whom I used to take care of because of her sickness but now I have Lupus so she takes care of me. :p* And I would wish that my cats would die at the same time and moment as I did so I could have them forever! And I would wish for the ability to write a book. :-)

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    1. My husband has a friend that has Lupus so I've seen bits and pieces of how difficult it can be. I am so impressed with the strength you must have to deal with the disease. I would wish the exact same thing about my dogs as you would about your cats and also the book thing. I am running out of wishes.

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    2. Thank you for your very kind words. Its very new to me so sometimes I think I'm not as strong as I would want to be, but I know it will come in time. <3 YAY that we have two of the same wishes!! And I'm glad you understand about my kitties with your dogs! :-)

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    3. Haha my dogs are my babies, because Ryan won't let me have any real babies.

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  9. I know this is such a Debbie Downer response but I would wish for a cure to MS. Or maybe some cheese...

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    1. Cheese is always good. A cure for MS would be even better.

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  10. I'm totally singing Sublime in my head now.
    Can you wish for money cause I would totally wish for that right now. Not like billions to take over the world just enough to get out of debt, go back to school and/or start my business. Oh and also a personal trainer cause then I could be thinner and be awesome and own a business. That's all one wish cause I could hire the personal trainer with the $$.
    Then I think I would give the other two wishes to my mom, cause she's awesome and crazy like me!

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    1. Since I clearly just about wrote the book when it comes to genie rules, I am deciding that yes you can wish for money.

      I am lazy so while the personal trainer thing seems like grand idea, I might just skip that step and wish to be thin and healthy no matter what.

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    2. Or we could wish that all the good food we all like would not make us gain weight! Like eating ice cream and cookies would help us LOOSE weight! And things like egg white omelets with NO CHEESE made us gain weight!

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    3. Yes! Then my best friend and I would totally have to switch clothes. We go out to eat and she is like "I will have the chopped salad, no blue cheese, no bacon, dressing on the side and please put half in a box before you bring it to me." And I am like, "I will have the burger, extra burger with a burger on the side."

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  11. Paige Hudson Garcia9/11/2012

    I just got a hemorrhage trying to giggle QUIETLY at my desk all through that story! Greatness.

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    1. Ack! Sorry about that haha.

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  12. We could so do lunch in sync!! When I'm done eating I put my keys on the table and wait...for the bf to finish. It takes forever.

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    1. Yep, sounds about right.

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  13. I don't know that my husband actually eats slowly but we still never eat a meal together. See, I cook the meal, tell him it's ready and then I put food on my plate and eat it. When I'm done, I look up and find him adding various condiments and spices and stirring it all together and tasting it and then adding a dash more of this and a dash more of that until he is satisfied. Then he will commence eating. I tried waiting for him in the old days, back when I was still trying to make a good impression and acting like I didn't mind eating cold food. But no more. I mind eating cold food, so I eat hot food and he eats his later.

    Someone once mentioned that I should be offended that he doesn't think my cooking is good enough to eat without adding half a dozen different things. But honestly, I'm a mediocre cook at best and he's killed off all his taste buds eating all kind of hot sauces. So whatever he needs to get through the day is fine with me.

    I wish for a couch. Mine is painful to sit on but since we just had to buy a new refrigerator, there is no couch money. I must wait for the couch fairy. Or couch genie as the case may be.

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    1. That's so funny! Ryan adds Sriracha to just about half the things I make and it used to bother me but now I'm just like "meh." The boy really likes his hot sauce, so who am I to complain. It helps that he also puts it on half of everything he orders in restaurants.

      Here's hoping the couch fairy makes a visit posthaste!

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  14. Veronica9/11/2012

    Ahahaha this made me LOL at my desk.

    I would wish for more Genies- not more wishes since that's not allowed. No one ever said anything about more genies.

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    1. You, my friend, are a freaking genius. I'm going to tell Ryan this and he is going to freak out. We've been trying to find a way around the "no wishing for more wishes" thing forever.

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  15. A teacup pig. OR better yet, a teacup GUINEA pig. Not a real thing but it would be crazy cute. Am I right?

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    1. I so want a pig too! They make the cutest oinkiest noises. A teacup guinea pig would be adorable, obviously.

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  16. Anonymous9/11/2012

    That was like reading about my husband and myself. He does the exact same thing at restaurants. I am done and waiting with my purse in my lap and he's ordering another beer! Also, I usually have to have a panic attack anytime we go somewhere. So, all-in-all, we don't go out much anymore. Lucky for me, he is a fantastic cook and cooks for me.

    Carol Dickerson

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    1. I hear you on the panic attacks. I don't get them everywhere but for some reason, movie theaters completely undo me. Ryan and I wait for everything to come out on dvd/iTunes.

      Ryan and I don't go out to eat much either, since I love to cook. Ryan I am pretty sure, does not even know how to make spaghetti. But that's fine with me, he'd probably just mess up my kitchen anyhow.

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  17. First I read the Bloggess' new post, then I read yours. And with all the laughing, the person sitting next to me has turned her headphones up loud enough that I can hear them. Hee hee!
    I would wish that I COULD wish for more wishes. Then I would wish for more wishes. Then I might wish that my depression and anxiety would be gone FOREVER. But I'm not sure about that last one... Who would I be without them? Hmm... I'll have to think about that one.

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    1. Oh The Bloggess' post was great! "Like Natalie Portman in Black Swan but with less bulimia" had me laughing out loud!

      And I hear you on the depression/anxiety thing. I would love for them both to just vanish out of my life, but I also think they have sort of made me the person that I am.

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    2. Agreed. It's hard and weird to learn to live with anxiety and depression instead of just wishing it would go away. Because I don't think it ever completely will for me. I just wrote a post about it. http://justagirlashleigh.blogspot.com/

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    3. Loved your post Ashleigh. You're right, it's important to figure out the right amount of compromise.

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  18. I have the funniest grin on my face now, because that is TOTALLY something I would do.

    I would totally be all cool and witty here, working in some more lyrics but I am afflicted with deh Dumb. Something about how doing that would be the wrong way.

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    1. Haha! And now I have to go listen to that song. "Annie's twelve years old...."

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  19. Lauren I think you are awesome! And I think the waiter was awesome!

    Now onto important things. I would wish for money, because although THEY say that money will not make you happy, I am betting that the liposuction, yacht, mansion, and ability to stay at home forever to write the great American novel (or the prequel to 50 Shades, you take your pick) would totally make me happy. Plus then I can buy a purebred Austrialian Shepherd with one blue eye and one honey brown eye. Then I would pay OJ to be my personal chef. See how I could be happy with my money??

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    1. Thanks Jayde! He was super awesome.

      Also, I LOVE your comment. OJ makes very good raisin bread, you should remember to ask for it often when you are rich and he is your personal chef.

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  20. Lisa S9/11/2012

    This is now the fourth time I laugh at the eating backwards thing. And that's five.

    I'd wish that depression didn't exist. There are too many people I know suffering from it. And the same for M.E. I only know one person with that, but that's enough. Maybe I should wish no disease existed so I can get those in one wish. One wish would probably be for money, 'cause money can buy a lot of stuff and travel and things and take away a lot of stress.

    This comment feels too serious for this post, but wishing is serious business.

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    1. That eating backwards thing seriously happened! Like I was complaining about how slow he eats and a piece of broccoli seriously fell out of his mouth and I was like, this can not be any more perfect.

      Let's add cancer to the diseases that should not exist. And you're right, wishing is serious business.

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    2. Lisa S9/11/2012

      Oh, I believe you.

      Yes, definitely cancer too.

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    3. Oh I didn't think you didn't believe me, so many of my IRL friends are always just like "did that actually happen or did you make that up?" So I sometimes accidentally get defensive..oops.

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  21. Anonymous9/11/2012

    If I were to wish for money do you think OJ would be willing to go into the gigolo business?

    No? *sigh* then I'd wish for a functional TARDIS

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    1. I am so loathe to admit this....but I have never seen even one episode of Dr. Who. It's on my list of things to accomplish in the coming year.

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    2. Lisa S9/11/2012

      Oh, TARDIS, why didn't I think of that? And the Doctor to go with it.

      You should. It is so good. But probably not for everyone.

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    3. I've only heard good things so far, so I'm excited about it!

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  22. Lisa in Seattle9/11/2012

    It is just possible that you and I accidentally married each other's destined spouses, because I am a very slow and fussy eater like Ryan, and my husband is, shall we say, very *efficient* like you. I'm not saying you have to decide right now - take some time and think it over.

    I'm not all that clear on genie wish protocol. Can you wish for things that really are not technically possible? Because I would really really like to be Queen Empress of the World. (I have so many *ideas*, people, but be forewarned that we are going to need a *lot* of space for all the gulags.) Can I wish for an end to pain and disease everywhere, or am I limited to, say, "I wish my back didn't hurt"? Can genies bring back the dead? Is "genies" a derogatory term - do they prefer to be called "djinn"? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

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    1. "take some time and think it over" - dying right now.

      Since I have already noted that I am using the Disney movie Aladdin as my rule book on all things genie, I will say that wishing you were Queen Empress of the World is totally ok, I mean, Jafar did make himself the most powerful genie in the land at one point and Sultan at another. Genies can not bring back the dead unfortunately, seriously, this is in Aladdin as well.

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  23. Thank you so, so, so much for this post! It totally cracked me up when I needed it most - was having a super overwhelming busy day at work (prepping to go on vacation stresses me out) and this made me laugh (and breathe) again.

    As for wishes - I wish I had a super huge inheritance like they did back in the old days, and then I could be just like the characters in the various English literature books and live (amazingly well) off of the interest. Then I would ride horses and walk in parks and write letters all day long. It would be amazing.

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    1. And go to balls! I would totally be a character in an English literature novel if I could go to a ball.

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    2. I want to go to a ball too! Being in a Jane Austen novel would be the best. I asked my husband if he'd take me to a ball and he said "What did I do wrong?". Ugh.

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    3. Haha that's what Ryan says to me when I even suggest that we watch a tv show or movie that has balls in it.

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  24. Right now, all I want is a sandwich. I brought a smoothie to work that was meant to be my lunch but then I tried it and it was awful which is what I get for not taste testing it last night. And since I refuse to pay the exorbitant prices at the food stand in my building's lobby, I am now stuck with string cheese and some wheat thins that have been in my desk since time began or the dinosaurs roamed the Earth....or maybe a month. We may never know.

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    1. "We may never know." - is making me giggle like crazy. My dogs are looking at me funny.

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    2. Just yell, "Don't you judge me!" at them. I do this to my cats when they give me side eyes and it seems to do the trick.

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    3. Thank you. That worked quite well.

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  25. My boss just asked me what I was giggling at...Now she's giggling too!

    This was like reading about my hubby and me, but in reverse...I'm the slow eater in the family!

    As for my wish, it would be for money right now... enough to pay off my bills and open my own gorumet cheese shop!

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    1. Is it really bad that I read your comment and then immediately started googling "Gourmet Cheese Shops, Chicago"?

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  26. At what point did you threaten to napalm the jungle if he didn't hurry up? If you have no idea what I'm referring to, please see The Oatmeals comic on Sriacha. We have the opposite issue in our home. It goes like this:
    Me: *sits down* You're already done?!
    A: *looks at mine* Can I try yours?
    Me: It's the exact same thing.
    A: *inches fork towards plate*
    Me: There's literally more in the kitchen!
    A: I don't want more.
    Me: you just said you did.
    A: no, I said I wanted yours. Bite?

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    1. I love that comic! I sent it to Ryan ages ago. I think one of the images for it is actually his computer background....but not for long....

      And that's hilarious! I'm going to start doing that to Ryan. That'll teach him to eat faster.

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  27. I'd like to say I'd wish for something cool like a puppy sized elephant, or something altruistic like world peace, but if I'm honest I'd probably wish for money just like everyone else.

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    1. Well now I want a puppy sized elephant. And also a mini giraffe.

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    2. OMG I want a puppy sized elephant AND an elephant sized elephant! I love elephants. A lot.

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    3. one major difference besides a puppyvs elephant sized elephant...... elephant sized elephant poop

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    4. Yeah...I think I just want a puppy sized elephant.

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  28. I had to withhold giggles at that story but I wanted to LOL at eating backwards.

    As for wishes, I'd wish for lots of money. Like enough money to never worry about money again. Because you know what, it may not make me happy but I'll be pretty darn close. I would wish to be naturally skinny too. Then I'd take all my money and by all new clothes, buy myself a plane and a sexy pilot, and take all my friends around the world.

    Then I'd be super cool like Alladin and set the genie free because I'd feel bad.

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    1. Yep, naturally skinny. I totally get that one. And you hiring a pilot has made me decide that I would hire a driver. And it would be Justin Timberlake and he'd be all "Where to today Lauren?" And I'd be all "Sweet Justin, today we shall go to target and then get refreshments at Subway."

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  29. 1. I love that you read Archie comics. I used to get them all the time when I was a kid and still pick them up on occasion when I see them in the grocery store checkout line.
    2. I love that you bring a book with you to dinner. I ALWAYS have a book with me, just in case.
    3. I love that you had an argument using Sublime lyrics. I read a series where two of the characters had a game going where they'd "song talk" by having entire conversations using song lyrics and would try to stump the other person. I thought it was such a fun idea, but I'm not quick enough to think of the perfect lyrics on command like that.
    4. I love that you made them call Ryan Trueheard Gobsmack. Hilarious! And even better that the waiter remembered. He deserved the million dollar tip. Don't be so stingy, RYAN!
    5. Basically I just love everything about this post :)!

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    1. 1. Do you remember the pictures that kids would take of themselves like covered in Archie comics and then send in? And then Archie comics would sometimes include the pictures at the back of their comic books? Yeah. I so did that. LAME.
      2. I'm right there with you. And if my current book is getting toward the end, I have two books.
      3. You know how most peoples' brains remember things like doctor's appointments and gym schedules? Mine only remembers song lyrics and forgets everything else. It's ridiculous. But Sublime was especially on my mind that day as Ryan and I had recently relistened to their entire first CD on a road trip.
      4. I know! Right? RYAN.
      5. Thanks! I love that you loved it!

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    2. Sorry, I don't remember those in the back of the comics. But it's ok. When I was a kid I counted how many licks it took to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop and wrote a letter to the company and they sent me back a certificate. Yeah, I'm that cool.

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    3. I'm actually really sad I did not know about this Tootsie Pop certificate thing. Do you think they still do it? And is there an age limit?

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  30. I love, love, love your posts featuring conversations with Ryan, they are very reminiscent of how I relate to my fiancee, and absolutely hilarious!!! I'm really looking forward to reading more posts and seeing more on instagram this year!

    Unrelatedly, I'm very curious about your wedding blog. Is it still up for reading? I haven't seen any of the posts in the archives, as I would love to read it as I have a serious case of bridal brain right now

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    1. I'm working on being more active on Instagram! I have to get into the habit of using it more.

      The wedding blog is technically still up but I don't like to give out the address since it contains tons of personal information about people that aren't Ryan and me (our wedding party) and I'm not sure they would all appreciate giving that out. Don't worry though, you're not missing much of anything, except maybe about ten million pictures of Ryan and me. It's badly written and not that funny. If you want proof, just take a look at the post I wrote titled "In Which I Get Lazy And Repost Entries From My Wedding Blog." Bad stuff.

      Also, you're the one that made homemade nutella and posted it on FB right? I seriously want that recipe.

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  31. Lauren is what we got, I said remember that. Now I'm gonna need a Sublime marathon, which is better for my mood than Adele right now she's starting to bum me out. I need a place like that where you can put your name on things. Now that would make dinners out much more hi-larious. If I had wishes from a genie first one would be to wipe out all my student loans so I can get my doctorate and not worry about paying off $150,000 before I die. Second, I want a fridge full of deserts that never spoil and replenish themselves (tiramisu, strawberry cheesecake, damn now I'm hungry). Last wish...my own private island that's got a hotel on site with all the fixings, a staff that gets paid in smiles, and a G6 always fueled up on standby whenever I want to go. Oh need a masseuse on staff too, must must must have one of those.

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  32. This had me busting out laughing, reading outloud to my husband, and him busting out laughing!! Hilarious!

    (Sublime lyrics are GENIUS argument tactics. GENIUS.)

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  33. This was funny and so needed for me at this moment. I'm glad that you are on this discovery year and that you found Ryan for all these great stories.

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  34. Crittle9/11/2012

    I'm glad to know I'm not the only one whose husband accuses her of inhaling her food and then suggests she just use a shovel!

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  35. My husband has the opposite problem. He might just be the world's fastest eater. Our dinners out go a little differently. Food arrives at table. I smile down at my food, inhale the delicious aroma, and take in the experience. While I am doing this, my husband begins to eat. I begin to eat, savoring both the flavors and the fact that I did not have to cook anything I am about to eat. Nor did I have to decide what to cook. Hooray! I get maybe a fourth of the way through my meal, look up, and see that my lovely husband is finished and now just looking at me, waiting for me. Good times. Also, when we are sharing something, I feel as if I am in a race. He wonders why I don't want to share a slice of cheesecake. Well, husband, it could be because I will get approximately three bites while you quickly devour the rest.

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  36. Also, I don't cry when my dog runs away. I don't get angry at the bills I have to pay. And if a genie showed up, I would wish that professional athletes and teachers would switch salaries.

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  37. I almost fell out of bed laughing so hard. Can't wait for the next time we get asked our name for something!

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  38. Great post, Lauren! You sound better. I'm happy to read it. :)

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  39. I have tears in my eyes I am laughing so hard at this!

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  40. Brilliant and of course Mr. Gobsmack probably was gobsmack that your server actually remembered the name.

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  41. Best line ever: A piece of broccoli just fell out of your mouth as you said that. You are eating so slowly that you're actually starting to go backwards.

    Love it!! Have you seen "the Guitar Sessions - Sublime with Rome"? Really good. did you hate the Long Beach Dub All Stars as much as I did?

    don't want to be a downer...but I would wish for one more day with my big brother. <3

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  42. Most excellent post. I <3 that you totally referenced Aladdin, and the rules to wish making. Take that Ryan! And I was rolling about the Sublime lyrics, I just hate that he shut down the "lovin is what I got".

    Now I'm totally thinking about what I'd wish for if a genie appeared....hmmmm....

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  43. Anonymous9/12/2012

    Funniest post evah! Thank you for me ending a horrible day with an awesome laugh-y story!

    Heather

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  44. Land pirates = gypsies. Totally a thing. Take that, Mr. Gobsmack.

    If a genie appeared right now, I would wish to be done with nursing school. Sigh....

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  45. I would totally second that wish for a fancy cheese shop. One that serves champagne. I would be my own best customer!

    On an un-related-yet-related note, I think we should be friends. I live in Chicago, love cheese, and am also trying to convince my husband to let me have babies. Of course, right now he's all, "you're on strike! This is a financially irresponsible time for us" and I'm like, "The strike's not going to last forever! Also, where's your teacher spirit? Let's have a baby now and name her Unionista and when she's in college she can explain to everyone how she was conceived during the great teacher strike of ought-twelve. Then her friends will be like, 'wow, your parents really took that Solidarity thing seriously' and she'll be like, 'yeah.'" At that point of the conversation, my husband left the room to pour me a large tumbler of gin. I think it's because he recognized the strike-induced hysteria that comes from shaking a tambourine for 12 hours a day. Anyway, we should be friends. And eat cheese.

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  46. I would wish for a 100% guarantee that my son will always be taken care of and provided for, and grow up to be a most outstanding human being. Aaaaaand, a pony. Thanks for making us all laugh, I'm pretty sure you're magic.

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  47. Anonymous9/19/2012

    This was hilarious! A snort escaped me while laughing and my hubby asked "What the heck is wrong with you?!" Ah, he wouldn't understand.

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