Mostly Wordless Wednesday - Again With Words

Hey Blogstalkers.  Sorry for my internet silence the last couple of days.  I've been trying to decide how to post this update without coming across as a petulant spoiled little brat of a blogger.

I have a wonderful life.  Great friends, great family and I'm married to the man who will always be there to wake me up from bad dreams. I get to stay at home and write and read and blog while others may be trudging through tedium at a desk in a cubicle.  I'm lucky, I know that.  I'm also grateful to everyone who has helped make this tiny little dream of mine a reality.  Seriously, thank you.

I'm also depressed.  Again?  Always?  I don't know.

What I do know is that lately I'm sleeping too much.  When I'm not in bed, I'm plotting ways to be able to go back to bed.  I tell myself that if I clean the kitchen or sweep the stairs that I've earned a nap.  I convince myself to take showers (which have become entirely too irregular as of late) by telling myself I can nap in the shower and no one will know.

My husband knows I'm napping in the shower.  And he knows that when it takes me forty minutes to go get green onions and I come home with a tear-streaked face that I've probably been crying in the parking lot of Jewel.  He also knows that when I borrow his inhaler because my chest hurts and I "think  I'm getting sick" that I'm probably not getting sick.  That I'm probably just at the edge of having a panic attack.  He sees that my emergency "Break The Glass" drugs are back out on the bathroom counter.  Because my anxiety runs hand in hand with my depression.

I know I have so much to look forward to in this life.  I know I have an entire year ahead of me in which I was given the opportunity to do pretty much exactly what I want.  I want to start being excited about those things again and not stuck in this miserable no man's land.  So today I've made an appointment with the doctor who has the privilege of working with my fucked up brain and I'm sure I'll get my medications adjusted again and start seeing a therapist again and be back to my normal lunacy in no time.

Bear with me until then?  I have grand intentions on continuing to post regularly regardless of my mood, but what I post may not be the most masterful of masterpieces.

To show you not everything is tears and tantrums in my world right now, here are some pictures from our Labor Day weekend at the lake with friends.  Yes I probably do have some pictures in which people are not totally wiping out, but those pictures are boring.  Sorry some of these are so blurry, a photographer I am not.






Now if you'll excuse me, I think writing and posting this has earned me a nap.

97 comments:

  1. Much love your way :) Hope you are feeling better soon, but until then, stay in touch!

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    1. Thanks. I fully intend on continuing to be an internet presence during my little sad interlude. I'll be just fine soon.

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  2. I know that feel, bro. I sleep probably 12 hours a day. I hate going to bed but once I do I tend to not wanna bother getting out. I want to be awake early when the kids are up, but generally when I'm home with them and hubby has gone to work, I stagger out to get them cereal and then I go back to bed for a few hours, normally until around noon. It's awful. I'm tired constantly. I know my husband is frustrated and irritated with me. I look like a lazy sack of crap I'm sure. I just wish the fatigue would go away. I was diagnosed with depression but no medication has seemed to work for me for very long, or I fall into that stupid trap of thinking I feel better so I don't need them anymore. Currently, I have no insurance so no way to get any meds at all. Sort of stuck in a holding pattern, enviously watching my husband take his meds, since he has insurance through work, which we could never afford for the whole family, and wishing I could get help.

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    1. Amanda I'm so sorry you're suffering with this right now. I've been there (sort of, without the kids part) in college. I was so tired that I felt like I literally could not get out of bed to go to classes. With my student insurance the drugs were still like $40 a month and so I couldn't afford them. I journaled A LOT and started exercising by walking or jogging around the outdoor track. It helped to have some time that was only for me every day. For a while I cried every night while I walked, but eventually I stopped crying and I stopped being so tired all the time and I started to feel just a little bit better.

      This is not advice, everyone's depression is different and it would be ridiculous for me, someone who can't control their own issues, to give advice to anyone else. I just want you to know it WILL GET BETTER. I'll be thinking about you (not in a creepy way.)

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    2. Hey, I'm all about creepy. Whatever frosts your cookie, if you know what I'm saying. :P I definitely am going to try walking every day while the kids are in school, just waiting on it to cool the heck down. I really don't wanna pass out from heat exhaustion in someone's front yard, even though I'm sure it's a great way to make new friends.

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  3. It's going around, Lauren. Big Blogstalker hug. You'll get through it and I'll get through it and pretty soon everyone will be up to their same old weird again.

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    1. Thanks Allison. I do notice that these feelings are so very cyclical for me. The I trouble every year at the same time of year. I'll work through it though. I've done it before and I can do it again.

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  4. Oh Lauren, I'm so sorry to hear that bell jar has again fallen. Sounds like you are doing everything you can. Remember that this too shall pass. My therapist told me once that depression is not rational, that when your brain tells you everything is wonderful, but your heart is not in agreement, that it's a chemical problem and something for which you cannot be blamed. That always helped me to feel less like a complete loser for feeling so badly when everything is supposed to be wonderful.

    Hugs to you.

    Nicole

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    1. Thanks Nicole. I've been dealing with depression since I was 17, anxiety for even longer so I've been around the block quite a few times. I'm at the point where, like you, I know this is a chemical problem and I should not give in to the problem. It's hard though to not feel like a total ingrate when I try to take outsider's look at my current life and realize I have very little to be depressed about.

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    2. I know exactly what you mean, the guilt just makes it all so much worse, which increases the anxiety which then makes the depression worse.. etc. Vicious cycle. I understand. As you can tell, I struggle myself with it. I hope that this passes soon for you and just know that all us blockstalkers love you and we're here for you whenever you need to talk. No judgement here!

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  5. Boo. So sorry to hear that you're struggling. I hear ya. Maybe it has something to do with the summer drawing to a close, but, though my goal is to get my freelance up and running, as soon as someone asks me to work on a project I fall apart!

    Looks like you're taking care of yourself - reaching out is not easy to do. And your husband is being awesome, awesome, so that's terrific, too. There is another side to it, you will come out of this, and I'll read yours posts and think they're masterful regardless of whether they're happy, sad, focused or convoluted :)

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    1. First, I promise you that my posts, if nothing else, will almost always be convoluted.

      Second, I hear you on the summer drawing to a close thing. I'm not really a summer person, with my pale skin and my severe sun and bee allergies but this time of year always manages to bring me down somehow.

      And yes, my husband is being awesome, awesome. He's my rock.

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    2. Also - if it makes you feel any better- though I absolutely adore, admire and love my husband, my most powerful period of depression in the past 4 years just happened to be while/over planning my wedding.

      Yeah. So our brains don't always rationalize with us well, do they? *hugs*

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  6. Depression sucks. I'm battling again too, even with meds. Luckily, like you, I have a hubby who sticks by me (and doesn't know how much I nap when I'm not at work). It is nothing to be ashamed of - your honesty is refreshing AND you can hopefully get support from the blogosphere. Hang in there!

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    1. Thanks Anne. It helps to know I'm not alone in this, though that seems selfish. It would be much better if I were alone in this and then no one else would ever have to deal with this complete mess of emotions, because it sucks, as I'm sure you and many other people know.

      And yes, having this blog in my low times has helped immensely.

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  7. Keep your head up Lauren, Just know theres a girl out in Cali that is rooting for you. Your blog is amazing and funny.

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    1. Thanks RJ. Happy almost 30th Birthday! Sorry I can't make it out to celebrate :)

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    2. It's OK :( I hope you have a great time at Ryan's and if you don't then you should say "See I told you I should of flew out to California, RYAN!" I'm kidding...sorta.

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  8. Shannon S.9/05/2012

    Just remember that you aren't alone. Repeat it like a mantra every day. You are never alone. So many of us know exactly how you're feeling. More importantly, all of us are rooting for you. ((((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks Shannon. I really appreciate it. So sorry you've had to deal with the same.

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  9. This post about breaks my heart. I've been there! It's like being diabetic with a faulty brain pancreas, just gotta re-align the meds and you'll be fine. I also know that even thought you KNOW that, you are still going to feel shitty. So I'm going to resort to giving you the dumbest advice ever. I used to get really depressed after Christmas every year, until the year I decided to re-read Harry Potter. I found myself looking forward to the happy early years books so much that it took some of the sting out of taking down the tree. So. You know. Books fix everything, obviously. Just... Don't read the Bell Jar because that'll make it worse. Happy books! Prescription given. Feel better!

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    1. Thanks Katie for the prescription! It made me laugh a little (a very very good thing right now) because as of yesterday I already restarted the Anne of Green Gables series since it always manages to pep me up a bit. Next on my agenda is Little House on The Prarie because when I get to the part where Almanzo drives through the blizzard to pick Laura up from her teaching job, I DIE a little of happiness.

      I also tend to get the post-Christmas blues, blech.

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    2. The part where Diana gets drunk by accident cracks me up! Or Anne's green hair dye... Also, don't be too hard on yourself about the showering. If you haven't been sweating excessively, a little deodorant should do the trick ;-)

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    3. Anonymous9/05/2012

      Anne spelled with an"E"! I have a very dear friend named Anne, and all I can call her is Anne spelled with an "E"! :)

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  10. Hugs from PA...keep your head up. We all think you're wonderful no matter what state you're in, and you are not alone! :)

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    1. Thank you sgrucela. All of these wonderful comments are helping more than any of you will ever know.

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  11. We are truly time travelling twins in every way *nods solemnly*

    xoxo

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    1. Ack, sorry Christine. *Cues "You Are Not Alone" by Michael Jackson.*

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  12. Tentacle hugs, sugar. Shortly after I quit my job last November, I had one of the worst bouts of Depression/Anxiety I've ever experienced (I wrote about it on my blog and, if I remember correctly, you read it - and I go back and read it again when I'm on the brink of another round with Depression/Anxiety). I think it's always sort-of-there, even if it's just a little gray mist in the back of our minds that we don't pay attention to until it gets sneaky and gathers into a big black storm. I tried to blame the Seattle winter, the usual weird-nostalgic-Christmas Depression Lite, I tried to blame ANYTHING because I was LUCKY, too. I got to spend my days doing what I wanted right? Didn't I have a wonderful chance to reboot my life with a ridiculously-supportive partner, loving friends and family, and my youth to use to my advantage to find out what I'm supposed to be doing in life? Sure, I did have all those things and more. But Depression does not give One. Tiny. Shit. It knows we have all of those things and instead of cowering in the shadows of such bright lights in our lives, it tries to make us feel guilty about them, that we barely deserve Depression's presence, much less those wonderful things in the first place. You are right about being LUCKY, Lauren: lucky you are smart and strong and brave enough to recognize that deceptive faces of that asshole Depression and his henchman Anxiety on the horizon and DEAL with its bullshit rather than put up with it. I'm proud of you for taking action by meeting with your doctor. Sometimes, that is the hardest thing, because so often, we think of a doctor's appointment as an admission of defeat or surrender, but we all know it is exactly the opposite; you are looking Depression/Anxiety in the eye and giving it the most emphatic middle finger you can muster. So get your doctor's help to kick Depression's ass, and know we're all cheering for you outside the ring as you beat Depression down for the count. <3

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    1. I LOVE this comment Kait. I remember reading your post on the subject and crying because it made so much sense to me. And sometimes it's hard to make sense out of something that seems so nonsensical. Like seriously, WHY am I depressed right now?

      But you're right, depression does not give One. Tiny. Shit. I'm just going to tell myself that whenever I start to feel guilty for being depressed right now when I have not one reason to be depressed.

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  13. As a girl who also has suffered from anxiety and depression, I can confidently tell you that being blessed/fortunate/having the world at your feet has NOTHING to do with abating that demon. Much hugs your way. Maybe check out Self-Coaching: The Powerful Program to Beat Anxiety and Depression, by Joseph Luciani. Brought me better success than any medication or therapist

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    1. Thanks for the recommendation Jen, I'm going to to check this out immediately.

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    2. Giving those anxious/depressed thoughts a persona made it something outside of me that I could talk back to and tell it to shut the F up and leave me alone. Really helped. Just remember, library, not bookstore. :)

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  14. It really is going around. It's been getting worse these past couple of weeks, and my partner doesn't really get depression and wants to rationalize the problems away--which just makes it worse...

    Just gotta keep plodding on and try to get through. You're a smart and funny lady, don't forget it!

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    1. Thanks! I've noticed it's been going around too. Such a weird cyclical thing. I know I will get through this. I have before and I'm sure I'll do it again in the future. I just have to keep telling myself that even when the exact point I'm at in the present just sucks.

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  15. Do you think your anxiety is coming from fear of the unknown of the next year? so then to avoid the anxiety you sleep, which amplifies the depression? I am not a doctor but just some immediate thoughts that popped into my head as I read your post. This might sound lame, but do you think writing down your goals for the year would help? Or would that make it overwhelming? Hang in there and congratulations on seeking help for yourself. Big hugs for you!

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  16. depression blows. you, on the other hand, rock! hope you get back to feeling like yourself soon.

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  17. Steph M.9/05/2012

    Sending lots of good thoughts your way. Depression, anxiety, and panic attacks are so freaking misunderstood, I'm SO happy Ryan is so supportive. That actually sounds wrong, like he is supporting your depression, so maybe I mean that he's being understanding. It's so hard for people to get it, how you could have everything you want in life and still be depressed and miserable.
    Just remember, depression isn't rational. I know you know this, but don't feel you have to defend yourself, because being depressed does NOT make you ungrateful or unappreciative of what you have. Anyone who doesn't get that should feel super lucky they've never had to deal with depression (or someone close to them with it) in order for them to get it. I'm really pulling for you to feel better. Depression sucks and I just hate other people having to deal with it. Please don't think we're judging you or anything for any lack of posting, you gotta take care of yourself first. You're absolutely not alone!

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  18. Rhonda9/05/2012

    Thinking of you Lauren and so sorry you are going through this; I've been there many times and it's hard to see through the fog. But it will get better, just be kind to yourself. I think you are brilliant, and getting through these dark days only makes you shine brighter.

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  19. Sharon in Alabama9/05/2012

    Rooting for you as always. And hey, great pics at the lake. Glad you had a good holiday.

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  20. I agree, it is going around. I have an amazing life and things are going great, but lately I just seem to be having panic attacks and crying all the time over dumb stuff. For me, it comes and goes in cycles...around the anniversary of when dad died...my birthday...beginnings/ends of seasons...but I just have to keep pushing myself to go to work, to eat healthy, to sleep normally instead of 18 hours a day, to love on my pups and hubs a little bit more, detox from the drama of people around me, and this is new...to exercise a little bit even when I'd rather be napping. Hang in there :) You have all of us that understand and all of us to lean on :)

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  21. Take care of yourself, Lauren. And if you need to sleep, sleep... and if you need a doctor, go to the doctor. We'll still be here when you come back x

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  22. Just remember that depression is a lying whore most of the time. Ok, all of the time. So break the glass on those meds, cry like you mean it, and then pick yourself up and tell depression she hits like a bitch.

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  23. Lisa S9/05/2012

    I'll echo what others have said. You are not alone. I'm just coming out of a depressed period myself, and I know others who are doing the same. I hope you'll come out of yours soon. You're getting help and that is good. In the meantime, virtual hugs and imaginary cheese are flying your way.

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  24. Nothing like feeling empty and depressed when you also feel you should be at your happiest...but it's just the way it goes, eh? But it will pass, and I'm hoping it does soon for you. Hang on in there! (and never feel you have to feign perkiness on your blog when you don't feel like it...you have loyal followers who'll still be there and reading when you're feeling better!)

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  25. Be gentle with yourself, Lauren. I understand what you are going through. Like you I left an unsatifying career behind to take care of myself and start a writing career, all with the support of my amazing husband. I have so much to be happy about, like love and opportunities, but I have been going through a bit of a crisis myself lately. I have chronic pain, anxiety and depression, the latter two kind of came along with the former one. I have been getting up every day at 10, and all I can think about and look forward to is crawling right back into bed at night after I go through the motions all day. I have struggled with my will, inpiration and the desire to write. I have to stay confident that it will all come back to me, and better than before. Take care and don't forget how wonderful you are. You will feel better; again, be patient, kind and gentle with yourself.

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  26. I'm so sorry Lauren, depression sucks. I hope that it goes away ASAP! Take care of yourself, tell depression it's a lying jerk, we'll be here for you.

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  27. Oh man, you are not alone. (As stated by many others!)

    I became a stay at home mom two years ago and am so lucky to be able to raise our daughter, have such a supportive husband, and have all the time to write the novel I've always had in my head. Yet, I still haven't written a damn thing. I struggle with anxiety much more than I would like to admit and it's slightly embarrassing that given my amazing life I sometimes feel like I'm such a failure.

    Here's the thing though - as I've learned through therapy - I HAVE to have something to do. Without any structure (such as a job, planned outings, someone to direct me at times) I am a total stress ball of "What do I do now? Am I wasting time? I'm just sitting here!!" and it makes things so much worse. I'm still working on it, but I'm thinking that along with a to-do list every day for myself, and an actual written out schedule I can really step up my game.

    Because, without kicking my own ass in to shape, I'll spend the whole day with Netflix on in the background and browsing on my phone while lounging on the couch. (And kids notice that shit!)

    Keep up the fight! We are all here to support you!! (Have you thought any more about the G+ hangout where we all cheer each other up? That may help give you a boost!)

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  28. Mirabel9/05/2012

    Hi Lauren, just read post & while I may not know exactly what you're going through...I do hope you'll feel better soon. I think many here will agree that you are an inspiration to so many. Ever since I found your blog I felt like I'd found a kindred spirit. You are not alone....this too shall pass and you'll emerge as a stronger person. We your faithful audience wish you the best...thanks for keeping us posted. It takes a lot to be be as honest as you are. Take care and thanks for being awesome!!!!

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  29. Sending warm thoughts and lots of hugs your way, Lauren! Remember that depression lies. You’re not alone. My freshman year of college, I moved away from my home to the school of my dreams: University of Tampa. Unfortunately for me, my depression and my anxiety had a different plan for me than I wanted. I spent most of my first semester hiding out in my room and all of my second semester alternating between my bed and going to class (if I even went at all). I cannot tell you how many times my roommate came back to our dorm, wanting to know if I was feeling okay, because I was asleep at three in the afternoon. I didn’t even realize how bad my depression had really gotten until my writing professor told me that I should consider seeking help and should consider rethinking my education. I was eighteen hundred miles away from my support system and he (and I) knew that I would not be able to endure another semester of college without getting help.

    When I came home this summer, it was with the news of my acceptance and transfer to Colorado State University. I’m on medications and in therapy and seeing doctors. The thing that has most helped me has been talking about it. I’ve found the more honest I am with those in my life, the more honest I am able to be with myself. I used to think so long as I didn’t say “depression”, “anxiety”, “mental illness” aloud, I could pretend as if I was perfectly fine. I still have the occasional depressive spell, but I can fight it off and I know it will only last a couple of days opposed to a few weeks. I know I have a wonderful life and I’m very fortunate, but sometimes I don’t think that matters when it comes to depression. Depression and anxiety is not something you get just because your life is more difficult than others—it is something you get because your mind is sometimes an asshole (well, at least mine is; your mind could be a different vulgar word).

    I’m wishing you all the best and hope you start to feel better soon!! I know myself and your readers will be rooting for you and helping pull you through this episode.

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  30. I stopped drinking alcohol (mostly), and started running (FINE ... jogging, aka moving at a pace ever so slightly faster than someone walking probably slowly) - took awhile to get into it and joined a running club so that I had motivation to keep going. It sucked for about 2-3 weeks then slowly got better and 18 months later I love it - and it helps me very much to not be depressed as helps me find a time of endorphins, peace and balance. It may not be your thing, but there is no better time than now to find something that is, and see if that helps. Exercise is so hard to start doing regularly, we think it is about the physical body but it is about the psychological part as though our physical body craves it our mind keeps trying to talk us out of it (I'm too tired, I'm too fat anyway, I don't feel like it, there is no point, I don't want to, I'm not going!) yet when we suck it up and go - is always better after. Endorphins are some pretty sweet drugs when we can score 'em ...

    I find I am moodier when PMSing (I know, so weird and unpredictable right?) but that is when I still run but also eat chocolate which helps. And I am definitely moodier this time of year. It is the loss of light through later mornings and earlier nights - the loss of heat making it that much harder to rouse out of my cozy bed. But when I adjust my mind in that I still think to myself "GOD I hate this, I don't WANT to get up!!" but get up anyway, well ... I just feel better.

    I also find that as much as I love my books and my trashy TV, and as much as being around people on the one hand really really REALLY can be irriating ... depression makes me into a much bigger loner than I actually want to be. So I also force myself to be around adults. Maybe part of the problem (I can fake-diagnose and fake-therapy by the way, because my fake-doctorate allows me to do that) is that when you had the job you hated you also had a reason (albeit one you hated, but still) to get out of bed and socialize. And though the actual job sucked, the getting out of bed and socializing were healthy side-benefits. So now that you work from home, and now that you have had a few weeks to enjoy the solitude ... maybe now is the time to explore how to add to your routine something outside the home? Like when I was a new mom, I signed my 4 week old baby up for a library program. Partly because CLEARLY she was genius and could read, partly because of COURSE I should have words around her all-the-time, that couldn't possibly be annoying at all ... but mainly because it gave me a reason and a routine to get my ass out of the house. And having a reason, even a lame reason, still got me out of the house, and I firmly believe helped me stave off PPD. (I may have made up the word "stave". If so rather than be embarrassed, I claim copyright laws to it. If it is real, then this was just a test. You passed. Congrats).

    Finally (because your blog has that word in it, so seems an apro-po way to finish): I find sometimes when my life is the best is when I feel the worst. Because I think I don't deserve it so self-sabotage my awesome life with feeling miserable. Because I think when things are going awesome something terrible is bound to happen and trying to suppress the worry makes me act out in anxious/depressed ways.

    So basically - my life consists of me living kind of like a fucked up Ying/Yang. But at least I have the Ying to balance out the Yang so - there is that.


    xo

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  31. Anonymous9/05/2012

    Lauren,

    I have always found lists help me and when I am too overwhelmed to even think my list is as simple as:

    1. Wake Up
    2. Shower
    3. Get Dressed
    4. Eat

    I cross off each one and it helps me. Maybe it will work for you. Good luck, take whatever time you need, I will be here waiting when you come back.....

    Michele

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  32. Wow! Would ya looky here? Look above at how loved you are :)

    I do believe that this would be my first time commenting on here, but I come to your page every day (and totally came 5 or 23 times a day just to get that number on up there to help you quit your job) teehee

    I have come to the point where I absolutely adore you, and I, well, I guess I have officially become a blogstalker. ha oh dear...

    In all seriousness, I think you can tell you are not alone, I feel your pain, WE feel your pain. And it's a sucky, terrible, no good, verry bad day Kind of pain. I truly hope that you get to feeling better. Paint you a picture or maybe grab your camera (cell phone even) walk outside and take some pictures. (or through your window since you are pale like me lol) Make yourself eat, make yourself take a shower, make yourself dress up for no good reason at all. I know every body is different, but these are just a few of the things that I do to make myself feel better when depression goes for the K-O. Love ya, ma'am. Sending lots of love from all of us weirdos in South Georgia. (and trust me we, my dear, are definitely weirdos!)

    You can do it. Just give it a little smile... go ahead...smile...come-on....There ya go!

    See getting better already!

    Much love,
    Mrs. Candice Franklin (sorry I'm a newlywed, i like seeing it like that)
    aka sober mom

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  33. We're here for your, Lauren!!! Hang in there and we'll be here when you're feeling better. And when you're not!

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  34. It's not selfish to know you're not alone in all of this. I'm actually really glad you're being open about it because that will inspire more people to talk about it and find support. I just posted about the struggle I had with depression after my mom died. It's gotten a bit easier thanks to my wonderful boyfriend being there for me. But I still have my moments. And it sucks donkey balls! Used to have nightmares about my mom calling my name while I was sleeping. I'd get up and run through the house trying to find her until I remembered that she was dead. I call them nightmares because I'd wake up feeling so happy and then BAM right back to feeling like shit. At the time I didn't have positive influences around me so I used alcohol and drugs to get through it. It took me years to get to the point where I stopped acting like that. Up until a year ago I didn't have someone there keeping me from crumbling. But now I do and I'm so thankful for him. You have a wonderful man by your side and a whole bunch of blogstalkers who love you and will always be right here (about thisclose) whenever you need support. Yes we're lucky because our lives could be worse, someone always has it worse than we do. But you know what, sometimes you just need to go through the moment and not feel guilty for being depressed. Your feelings are no less important that anyone else's. So anyone who makes you feel like you're not allowed to be depressed is an asshole!

    Hugs and ass slaps xoxoxo,
    Dee

    P.S. I'm not as creeped out by octopus, octopusses, octopi...whatever anymore thanks to you. Wish I had something octopus related I could name Tentaclese (like Hercules).

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  35. One foot in front of the other Lauren, or one nap after another, you'll come out the other side. Until then, we are your most patient blogstalkers. Don't worry about us. Take care of yourself and we'll be here on the other side.

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  36. Take that deserved nap, we will be here when you are done *hugs*

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  37. Anonymous9/05/2012

    bear with you until then? you bet! I like your blog far too much, and feel with you. take it slowly, one day at a time, and never stop believing that you're going to get over this. because you will! we're here for you to hear your story (as much as you want to share) and otherwise we'll just wait until the sun is shining for you again.

    god bless, lauren!

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  38. Be kind to yourself. Take time to 'engage in life' everyday - even if it's painting your toe nails 5 different colors. Stay awesome!

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  39. Oh dear. Sorry to hear ma'am. Being merely a stalker instead of a friend, I don't know where your anxieties/depression stems from obviously. But I can tell you I have dealt with (still deal with) similar. I recently started tanning, and I've come very quickly to the conclusion that even if I get skin cancer, at least I am notably more happy and calm on a regular basis... normal life makes that risk worth it to me. Of course, I'm more of a seasonal depression type of gal so sunshine seems to work wonders (and the base tan means I can be outside and not instantly burn in my pale swedish skin), but you could also use it as an excuse to get out of the house... and nap in the tanning bed.

    Warm fuzzies your way in any case.

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  40. I'm not a psychologist, but have you talked to a doctor about Seasonal Affective Disorder? Generally those with SAD (worst. acronym. ever.) suffer symptoms in the winter most severely, but everyone is different -- it's just defined by suffering depressive symptoms in a specific time or season year after year. Those who suffer summer SAD often experience anxiety issues as well. Again, I'm not trying to diagnose you, but if you feel more depressed in specific points of the year, it may be worthwhile to at least ask your doctor. It's not a well-known disorder -- I only know it because my boyfriend suffers from winter SAD (which he discovered the hard way by moving from San Diego to Indiana for college... those winters kicked his ass).

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  41. I think you've earned a lot of naps... and kudos to you for setting goals, even if they are tiny. Sometimes I am too stressed for even goals (because they are just SITTING THERE and STARING AT ME) so I just try and find one thing to do a day (weed, vacuum, usually not shower).

    Sometimes I tell myself that what I'm feeling just doesn't count. This often helps if it is morning, I say that this feeling is ok and doesn't count until I have breakfast, just floating the experience of feeling sometimes helps me relax more (I have anxiety though, not depression).

    Good luck to you! I am happy you're taking the first step, believe me it gets better!

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  42. Sometimes life just sucks.

    My roommate in college never had this problem. If I was down she would remind me that there are children starving to death while I had a bucket of KFC in front of me. Even if you have all the best things in the world around you, it doesn't mean you can't have a bad patch.

    But! I hope you get to feeling better soon. You deserve all the cheese and naps you want until you get out of the bad patch.

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  43. sometimes having endless possibilities causes me anxiety. hang in there, we'll be here for you reading ANYTHING you post!

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  44. You WILL get through this. You have before, and you will again.
    Repeat this mantra as necessary- especially when you think you will never feel happy again. It helped me, I hope it helps you.
    Hang in there and know we all support you and appreciate your awesomeness.

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  45. Ashley9/05/2012

    Hang in there! The internet is rooting for you.

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  46. Hey, you! Yeah, you! Look up here for a minute. That's right...look up here. See these people who are commenting? These are YOUR people (unless some asshole has posted some unkind thing which will result in a fury and backlash the likes of which they've never seen)! We've got your back on this. You are NEVER alone on this journey. Ignore the voice that tells you otherwise. Fight back against the voice that tells you all those lies. Unfortunately, you are the only one who can fight this battle. The rest of us will be here to offer support and to remind you that depression and anxiety lie. You got this! You is kind, you is smart, you is important.

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  47. Aww, hang in there Lauren! We know what it is like, most of us have been there before. We want you to get better and to take all of the time that you need to do so. We love your posts, no matter what you write. I mean seriously, you could probably just post pictures of OJ for a couple of weeks and all of us girls, plus a couple of the guys, would be just fine with it...

    Seriously though? Some of us have been there, I personally have been there. There are just some days that I want to hit every person that tells me to be happy or thankful or to count the blessings in my life. It's not that simple and until you walk that path you don't understand what it is like to have true depression. It's not about the blessings, it's not about being thankful for what you have in life. It is about YOU and how YOU feel during these times and all YOU need to focus on is getting better. Post if you want, but realize that we will still be here when you get back if you want a break.

    PS I LOVE my stationary with the hooters on it. It makes me smile everytime I write a note! Thank you, Lauren!

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  48. I hope you feel awesome again soon, because you are.

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  49. Do you have a PO Box or give out your address to blogstalkers? I have the *perfect* card to send you right now if I could do that. I found it a few days ago while getting the hallmark department in my store ready for inventory and I put it aside because I was going to ask you if I could send it to you and it was only going to be semi perfect then but now with this post?? It'd be absolutely perfect for you right now.... If you don't give it out, I understand. I also struggle with depression and anxiety and I just started going to a doctor for fibromyalgia last year and still refuse to admit to him that I get depressed, so kudos to you for being able to do that. I have noticed that taking an iron supplement sort of helps with it. The tiredness I used to feel has gone away and so I'm not spending as much time in bed trying to get more sleep and I don't take naps anymore. I still find myself depressed for no reason at all but it's not as much as it was a year ago. Do you (or anyone on here) take iron every day? I never believed my dad when he told me to take it, that it'd help with my tiredness but it truly does help, you just have to take it for around 30 days straight for it to start helping. I don't have any other advice since you already know you'll feel better at some point and you're already going to the doctor to adjust your meds so I'll just send some hugs your way... *virtual hugs* And as you can see, you're not alone in what you're feeling.. and don't worry, we'll all love your blog even if it's not all glitter and sunshine everyday.

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  50. Dianna O.9/05/2012

    Hang in there...sending love and prayers your way.

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  51. Anonymous9/05/2012

    Don't have anything to add that others haven't said more eloquently, just wanted to let you know that you are fabulous, depression and all. I went through a grief induced depression for a year in 2001, and it was awful. However, and I hope this doesn't sound weird, it really helped my empathy/sympathy skills when working with my clients. I'm not sure I would have as much patience as I do now. Would I have preferred to have not experienced that? Of course! Did it help me be a better person? I like to think so. Look at all these people responding to your post... sharing their own stories. Perhaps this one post or one comment spurred someone to overcome their own guilt or shame and get help. I know it doesn't help when you're in the midst of it, but maybe this will help alleviate some of the (false) guilt that depression fosters? Knowing that your depression may actively lead to a positive productivity? Huh, look at that. Guess I did have something to say! ;) Anyhow, we truly do love you!!!

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  52. Not sure if this will help at all but after I left a job that was really slowly killing my happiness, health and overall ability to laugh at things I felt great for a week or two. I was sad to be leaving coworkers I loved but it was so time to go, it felt like a weight was off my chest and I could breathe again. And just as soon as all that wonderful energy came it went and I crashed HARD. I've gone back and forth on that the last six weeks or so with some days being amazing and other days I just want to hide out from the world and cry. Heck I cried this weekend when I saw a new picture of my brother looking very much like our deceased father. Sometimes when we're so close to the change and all the things we are looking forward to the weight of it all overwhelms us and all the things we'd been ignoring in our previous state of dissatisfaction comes rushing out. It's good that you are willing to talk to someone and figure out what you need to do at this point but know that you aren't alone in that experience and just because things are okay doesn't mean we always will be. Good luck, big hugs and thanks for sharing.

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  53. I hope you're feeling better soon! Consider me leaning through the computer screen to give you a hug ... yeah I know, I have no personal boundaries.

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  54. Can I tell you that I'm praying for you? Or is that weird?

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  55. Anonymous9/05/2012

    Unofficial Blogstalker here, and I want to say something pithy and original, but what I keep thinking is how The Bloggess says, "Depression lies." Oh well, if you're going to steal, steal from the best. Glad you are getting help. -Sarah

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  56. Anonymous9/05/2012

    God Bless you, you SWEET christian girl.
    Much love from Seattle,
    Rosalie

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  57. I know a little bit about what you are talking about and I admire you for putting it out there. There is still such a stigma about this stuff in our society. I know you can't "just feel better." Even though I know it's not like flipping a switch, I hope it happens for you sooner rather than later. Good luck.

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  58. Anonymous9/06/2012

    Depression doesn't discriminate, it is a sneaky bastard waiting and then making you feel quilty kinda like the nuns in catholic school. Here's what I like, I thought I was the only one suffering with the "my life is so good why am I curled up in a ball under my desk or crying myself to sleep", it helps to know there are so many more like me out there. I'm glad you are seeking help and send you a GREAT BIG HUG, even though I know it is of small help...

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  59. Life isn't graded on a curve. Depression sits on top of you and whispers lies until you almost can't recognize the truth. And last year was kind of rough. A lot of things happened to you and you made some big decisions. You are loved and appreciated, and you don't owe us anything. I am grateful for your honesty and your willingness to be vulnerable and honest. That takes courage, and don't let anyone tell you differently - you have a lot of courage. It will be ok. It will get better. I promise.

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  60. I would not say I suffer from depression, but when summer ends I definitely get cranky. My husband I tackled this by getting me out of the house as much as possible. We workout 6 days a week now and we try to embrace fall and winter festivals. For the first time in years I am actually looking forward to the change of seasons.

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  61. Veronica9/06/2012

    Hang in there, Lauren. Unfortunately, depression does not discriminate, and the best thing you can do is treat it for what it is. I think I've been experiencing my first bout of depression recently. I've never felt this way before in my life. I just feel sad. For no reason. And its so frustrating.

    I don't think any of us think you sound spoiled. If anything, hearing that someone else feels like I do makes me feel like I'm not alone, and that its okay. I hope you never have to feel like you need to sensor yourself with us. Anyone who passes judgement doesn't belong here anyway. Your posts brighten my day, never stop being yourself!

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  62. Anonymous9/06/2012

    You're not in this alone! I just wanted to add my comment to your other supporters above in saying take all the time you need to recover. We're cheering for you and we look forward to happier days ahead!

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  63. Anonymous9/06/2012

    I have mild anxiety and that's terrifying enough, I can't imagine what you (and so many of these other commenters) are going through. You are brave and fabulous and we're all here for you. Hang in there!

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  64. Hi Lauren, I literally have been a blogstalker/lurker, but I just had to make my presence known to comment of this post. I know that so many (MANY!) people have already commented, but can you ever really have to many supportive comments? I, like many people in the world, know how frustrated it can be to feel depressed when there's nothing to be sad about. The worry that everyone in your life is mad at you because "Why can't you just be happy?" The worrying that just makes you cry more, and crawl deeper into the depression hole. Know that it's okay to be depressed for no reason, and that no matter how long this lasts, we (your family, friends, and blogstalkers) are here for you. We're willing to listen when things are bad, worse, good, and great. You don't have to pretend to be happy, and post witty posts just to keep us around. We know you're not a dancing monkey(long arms aside). You're a complex person, and we've grown to love all the sides of you. We'll stick around through this bout of depression no matter how long it lasts, and we'll be on the other side when the clouds clear.

    I just hugged the keyboard in the hopes that it'll reach you on the other end. Did it work?

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  65. Oh, honey.

    You do not sound like a petulant little spoiled brat of a blogger. In fact, you are at the very most, two of those things: a (kickass, honest, charming, funny, light-giving, tentacletastic) blogger, and little (There is a Serious Fight happening in our house regarding the calling of perfectly-average-height-thank-you-very-much-sir persons 'little'. You are perfect.)

    Depression lies. It lies in the sneaky, awful, says-it-doesn't-want-the-cheese-then-eats-it-all-behind-your-back-that-rat-bastard, way. I would like very much to kick it in its stupid knees for you.

    Giant hugs. Your honesty helps the rest of us feel brave, too. We're here, cheering you on in the corner, and delighting in knowing that there is a You out there in the world, making it a better, shinier, sillier, more ludricous place (even if you want to take a shower-nap).

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  66. I (like almost everyone else here, apparently) also suffer from depression and anxiety. I was just thinking about which was worse yesterday and came to the conclusion that asking which is worse, anxiety or depression, is like asking which is worse, getting mauled by a bear or attacked by a shark. Honestly, they're both pretty fun. Anyways, I thought I'd drop you a ray of sunshine- today I was on campus and found a cup of cubes of assorted cheese in a vending machine. It was delicious. And VERY weird. So just remember, somewhere in the universe there is a vending machine that sells assorted cheese cups.

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  67. Anonymous9/07/2012

    Seriously, you are at home, someone pays all the bills and all we hear about is how bad it is to sleep all day. Well, I have two little ones who are my life, but hubby thinks that he needs a "break", which made me LMFAO!. So here I am working to pay the day care lady and put food on the table and I would LOVVVE a nap, let alone a full night's sleep. I have to say you are seriously lucky! Seriously...

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    Replies
    1. I understand where you're coming from, it's ridiculous, with all that I've been given this year, for me to feel so depressed. I understand how lucky, how seriously lucky I really and truly am. Depression is a hard thing to conquer, though I am trying my hardest by seeing a doctor and setting up a schedule to get me through these first tough days. I can not wait to come out of this little bout of sickness and be able to look around me, at my life and be grateful and happy. I am sad I am not able to do that at just this moment. Depression sucks, it does not discriminate.

      I am sorry to hear about your current situation and hope everything turns out for the best.

      Delete
    2. No Lauren you are not lucky ... I am lucky. I am lucky because I sleep when it is my bedtime as I am tired after a long busy day. I am lucky because if I am extra-tired from my own doing ( voluntary staying up late or waking extra-early) I can take a nap. I am lucky because if the kids get me up at night or I am physically sick, I can nap to rejuvenate my body and soul. I am lucky because I don't feel so depressed that the only way I can cope is by sleeping, which should serve to heal but can sometimes hinder health as leads to this crazy spiral of sleeping because depressed then being depressed from so much sleeping. So no- you are not "spoiled", you are not " lucky" and you have zero need to try and justify your feelings/actions to people such as the commentor above who need to learn that you can't compare lives and it is ridiculous to judge someone based on only your own reality.

      As a weird but hopefully understandable example - my first child I delivered completely natural - med free. Did I then wonder why many other women get medical interventions and lots of drugs in order to cope with labour? Of course not! Instead I assumed that I had been blessed with an easy labour, a cooperative baby, a high pain tolerance, and supreme luck. I would never expect any other woman to have the exact same experience as me, and was never judgemental about anyone else's labour. Thank goodness because baby two was as opposite an experience as possible!!! And same idea with depression - it manifests in various people in various ways at various times - just because some has an easy mental state, a cooperative body with regards to chemical imbalances, a high tolerance for dealing with mental discomfort and/or supreme luck, they shouldn't equate/compare their lives to those who don't.

      End of my convoluted point is - if you haven't lived through it - you have no right to judge. If you have lived through it, you would never judge. And either way the courage of anyone who has a demon to battle and does so and survives each day is so much more admireable than those who survive but never had any demons to fight.

      I admire Lauren - and all the other survivors posting here - even if they need extra sleep to keep up the good fight.

      Delete
    3. "you have zero need to try and justify your feelings/actions to people such as the commentor above who need to learn that you can't compare lives and it is ridiculous to judge someone based on only your own reality. "

      WONDERFULLY put Kande! If only everyone thought that way. Thanks for that. I know it was directed at Lauren but that really resonated with me.

      Delete
    4. I totally agree with Kande and Nicole. The attitude displayed by anonymous poster is one of ignorance and selfishness and perpetuates the myth that depression and anxiety are real diseases. Anonymous, Lauren continually acknowledges how lucky she is to have Ryan and the ability to take time off from a job she didn't love. Lauren already feels guilty for not being able to control her brain chemistry.

      Delete
  68. Hey Lauren, I'm not at all qualified to tell you this, although I did get half a Master's in mental health counseling, but when I went from an office job to a work-from-home gig, I felt a little depressed myself. I had to schedule lunches, dinners, coffees, glasses of wine, bottles of wine, cases of wine, etc with friends regularly to keep from feeling lonely and worthless. Also, for good measure, you might want to check in with your MD too. Recently I was ready to move to the looney farm when my doc informed me that a--I have chronic mono and thus sleep all the time, and b--have a major age-induced hormonal imbalance which made me the saddest of sad. And know that your blogstalkers are here, and we love you!!!

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  69. Anonymous9/07/2012

    Hi Lauren,
    It's ok to have a beautiful life and still be sad. That's not spoiled. That's livin girl. I think you have something so unique and special to give to this blogosphere. Write on. Live on. Take care of yourself and remember that even in the quiet confusion you are not alone!
    Much love,
    Sara

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