I'll Take The Penis Mightier for $500

Good Afternoon Blogstalkers!

Note to self: Lauren, please begin to get these posts up before one in the afternoon.  The early bird gets the worm and all that.  Also, I hardly think it was more important for you to research dog Halloween costumes this morning than it was for you to write this post.  Although, I do agree with your decision to order the following:


Just the headpiece, not the dog.  Ryan says I can't have any more dogs.
Costume ordered from here.

ANYWAY.

For years and years I have been addicted to the show Jeopardy.  I used to literally run home from high school so that I could have my butt on the couch by 3:30, Yoohoo in hand, ready to get my trivia on.  Unfortunately my route home from school was along a very busy highway (Kedzie for Chicago people) and I've always looked like an injured gazelle when I run so I got a lot of ridiculing shouts and honks.  Interestingly enough, many of those honks were made by my father whose office was only a few blocks away and who used to take his lunch break late to come home and watch Jeopardy with me.  Thanks for that DAD.

At 14 and 15 my dad consistently slaughtered me on the daily.  Then came Thursday, March 9th, 2000.  The first day I ever beat my dad at Jeopardy.  And I didn't just beat him, I like killed him.  Though in hindsight some of the categories that day (The Spice Girls, Jane Austen, Fucking Delicious Cheeses) may have been somewhat to my advantage.  Whatever.  I still make a point to call my dad on that day every year to commemorate my win.  It serves him right for the honking and for also how he used to sometimes come into the hardware store where I worked and whistle for me, like a dog.

I still play Jeopardy with my dad when I happen to be home at 3:30 on a weekday, which is admittedly not often.

I more regularly now DVR Jeopardy and watch it with Ryan.  It started out as a casual sort of thing where I would jump up and down and shout things at the tv and my boyfriend would sit on the couch and "rethink life decisions."  Gradually though, my enthusiasm for the show was catching and Ryan became an active participant in my daily tradition.  It turns out, we are pretty evenly matched.  I'm excellent at categories involving "Literature" and "Geography" and "Words That Start With F" and he runs the board when "Economics" and "Politics" and "Physics" come into play.

Which is fine with me, because Economics?  Gag me with a spoon right?

The bottom left corner is damaged from an incident involving water guns and whiskey and witlessness on graduation night, two days before I reported to my first full-time position in the Investment Bank at JPMorgan.
Like everything else fun in my life, Ryan has, over the years, tried to ruin Jeopardy with rules.

I present those rules to you now.  (And yes, if you're wondering, we do have an actual physical copy of the rules.  It sits in front of us on the table while we match wits.)

My Namby Pamby Rules For Playing The Game Of Jeopardy
written by Ryan Gallagher, except for the title, Lauren came up with that.  No she didn't, I did.

1. All players must remain clothed during all portions of the game.  No removing one's top because one "is suffering heatstroke from your closeness and your hotness" or because one "is not trying to distract you, I thought there was a spider in my bra."  

2. All bathroom breaks must be completed before the game begins or between Single and Double Jeopardy rounds.  Waiting to see the categories and then retreating to the commode with one's smartphone is strictly verboten.

3. "Phone My Dad" is not a thing.

4. "Ask The Audience" while Lauren's dad is on Skype is not a thing.

5. Insults should be kept at bay.  For example, it was totally out of line last year for a certain player to call another certain player a "Rapscallion" and tell them they were going to "Go fetch my blunderbuss and teach you a lesson."

6. There is no contesting the validity of a match because one forgot to wear their spectacles during the match and thus "isn't certain I was reading all of the words correctly, which is almost definitely why I lost."

7. The broom must always stay in the pantry.  As much as one player insists, each group of seven games is not in fact a "World Series of Jeopardy" and thus the "Balcony Sweep Dance" is not a thing and also it is rude (not to mention confusing to one's neighbors) to shout things like "I have won the World Series more times than the White Sox who are horrible."

8. In keeping with the idea that Jeopardy does not in any way resemble baseball, it is not necessary to sing the National Anthem each day before beginning.  Especially not with the "adapted lyrics" of a certain player.

9. Now that a certain player is home during the day, it is illegal and immoral for that certain player to watch Jeopardy when it actually airs and then again with the other player later that night, strategically getting enough answers incorrect so they are not suspected of cheating.

10. No claiming to one's friends that one's wife only beats one regularly at Jeopardy because she "plays fancy."

11. Now that both players reside in the same abode, the "House Rule" of "attaching a chip clip to the visiting player's body every time he guesses something deemed ridiculous by the home team" no longer stands.

And finally, the rule that my dad and I came up with when I was 14 and could only win with a Hail Mary type maneuver.

12.  One automatically wins the game of Jeopardy, no matter what the score, if one correctly guesses the answer to Final Jeopardy after the category is revealed but before the clue is given.

What would you add Blogstalkers?

Sidenote: With all of these rules in one place, it completely sounds like I am the worst cheater of a player ever but it should be noted that all of these things have literally only happened like one time over a period of almost ten years on days I was feeling particularly feisty.  Also, rule number two was written after Ryan got an astonishing number of Civil War Generals correct after a bathroom break one evening.

55 comments:

  1. Anonymous9/26/2012

    Jeopardy airs st 7:30pm where I live so this whole afternoon watching of the show just seems so odd!

    Anyway, I am no good at Jeopardy. I still watch it as often as I can though.

    xoxo!

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    1. I think they re-air it in the evening here too but it's always been 3:30. The days after I started working full-time before the DVR were really sad days for me.

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  2. Jeopardy is a thing for me, too. My husband insists that I *have* to answer in the form of a question, just like the Jeopardy rules, or else my answer is incorrect. I, however, have my own rules - a right answer is a right answer, especially because it's not like we're playing for money, Mike. If we were, I'd totally step up my game.
    Side note: I totally did the Jeopardy online test to try and get on the show, but I panicked at the volume of questions dedicated to such topics as "economics" and "boring chemistry questions no one cares about." Maybe I'll try again next year.

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    1. So I guess I'm sort of a Jeopardy purist like your husband and try to insist on answering in the form of a question. But Ryan almost never does, so I often have to let it go.

      I've never done the try-outs for Jeopardy, there are some categories I'm great at, but I think maybe too many in which I wouldn't get a single thing correct.

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  3. I need that hat for my cat...which rhymes....I didn't mean for that to happen. Where did you get it?

    Also, how does one "play fancy"? And I would love to see this broom dance. You should as OJ to show us. :)

    And to end, you guys are awesome!

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    1. FOUND the hat! Just bought it! When it comes I'll take a picture of my scary dino cat and send it to you!

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    2. Baxterboo.com for the costume. They have so many good ones. It was a difficult decision.

      "Playing Fancy" is literally just how we say "cheating" around here.

      and thanks!

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    3. Yes! Awesome! I will post that picture for sure.

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    4. I got the hat on Amazon....and a Panda costume for my girl cat. Oh they will hate me! heh heh heh...

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    5. Sometimes I feel bad for dressing my dogs up in costumes. But only sometimes.

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  4. That's it. I'm going to start DVR-ing Jeopardy. I want to play too! Of course, I won't tell anyone I've actually done this unless I have an impressive score...

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    1. Watch out it gets addictive! Now my day doesn't feel complete without an episode of Jeopardy.

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  5. Well now. Those are some awesome fancy rules. Alex is proud I am sure.

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    1. I wouldn't know. He never answers my emails.

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  6. 1. Thank you for breaking my boredom streak at work.

    2. You guys have the most amazing marriage to have jeopardy rules.

    3. You must be working REALLY hard on whatever secret you have in store.

    4. I praise you for graduation with ANY major in Econ and Accounting. I despise both. I have dropped accounting 3 times. Next semester is my last chance, so no more excuses. :(

    5. You're awesome. Have a nice day :)

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    1. 1. Sure anytime. Well not, that's probably not true. Let's just say sometimes.
      2. Haha thanks. It's not ALWAYS amazing. But it has its moments.
      3. I am actually! I swear!
      4. I pretty much hated every business class I had in college but persevered so I could get a job that would pay off my student loans. I would have loved to major in English, but it was difficult to get a job with that degree the year I graduated.
      5. Thanks! You too!

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  7. We play an extra game in our house where we pick who is going to win then get points if we're right. It helps those in my household feel better about themselves when they're not as smart as I am.

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    1. This made me laugh so hard.

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  8. I love the word Rapscallion, I will now endevour to use it more often.
    In the UK we have several quiz shows that I love, but the hardest is University Challenge - I was so proud one day when I got 11 answers right... You should look it up and see if you can answer any, I bet you're a trivia genius!

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    1. I'm not *quite* a trivia genius haha. But I am going to check this University Challenge thing out right now.

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  9. "One automatically wins the game of Jeopardy, no matter what the score, if one correctly guesses the answer to Final Jeopardy after the category is revealed but before the clue is given."

    Please tell me this has happened.

    I have this vision in my head of the category being revealed as "Modern Miracles" and someone going "The toaster!" and being right. I don't watch a ton of Jeopardy, but I imagine those are exactly the kinds of difficult, obscure answers they expect their contestants to know.

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    1. It has happened! Not often at all but enough that it makes the game interesting. It usually happens when the category is something finite like U.S. Presidents or State Capitals.

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  10. I love rule 12. One is, obviously, Jeopardy champion of the world if one guesses the correct answer per-clue.

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    1. I can't take credit for that rule sadly. My dad made that one up. It is a lot of fun to try to guess every day though!

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  11. Holy crap. Number 12 has actually happened?!?!?! I had so many things to say about all of these rules and then I got to number 12 and I forgot everything. Also, Jeopardy comes on at 3:30 in Chicago?!?!?! WTF??? It's on a 7:00 on the west coast. I can't decide if this new information results in points for or against Northwestern's PhD program. (Which is my reason for a maybe move to Chicago within a year.)

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    1. It has definitely happened! Rarely, but it keeps things interesting. And yep, 3:30. It sucked before DVRs were a thing, but now I don't mind it so much. Also, I totally and completely recommend Northwestern. Ryan went to undergrad there and his sister is there now and it is seriously amazing.

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    2. I really, really love the campus, and I met some of the students and I love them, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Chicago. So it's definitely in the running. And we are already friends in my mind, so I already have friends there. :)

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  12. PS- 500 brownie points for the Celebrity Jeopardy category in the title. Maybe Ryan will let you convert Brownie Points to Jeopardy points? I really don't know what the exchange rate is though. That could be risky. (I'll take The Rapists for $1000, Alex)

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  13. Hubby and I DVR Jeopardy 5 nights a week (also at 7:30) and then have marathons when I get home. I usually win because I read faster than he does :)

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  14. I'm just disappointed every time Sean Connery does not appear on Jeopardy.

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  15. I also love jeopardy! sadly my husband is much better at math and science terms (he totally got the 'computation' answer right the other night from like 3 rooms away) and i am good at history (non-WWII) and literature and random crap.

    My husband, before i knew him, back when this was still a thing, was totally in the pool for Who Wants to be a Millionaire? He needs to bring home some jeopardy bacon now!

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  16. I'm finally getting that dog I mentioned in a comment forever ago that you probably don't remember nor should you with all the other awesome comments you get. We get to pick him up on October 2nd after he gets fixed. Anyways, I'm totally getting the new puppy a dinosaur costume now. I'll send all irritating comments from my husband your way.

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  17. University Challenge is brilliant, I still remember when I first started to beat my Mum, and she was so proud and impressed and suddenly felt it was worthwhile to spend all that money on me when I was at university (I'm pretty certain that's how she felt. I couldn't be sure because the sound of my own gloating was too loud).

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  18. #12 reminds me of an episode of Big Bang Theory (Do you watch that show? It's so funny!) where Howard is playing Wheel of Fortune with his mom - he yells to her the category and number of letters and she yells back the answer before they have any of the letters. It's hilarious!

    I love Jeopardy (and trivia in general), but Wheel of Fortune was my thing growing up... I rocked at that game! I desperatly wanted to be on one of those episodes they did on Mother's Day where kids were the contestants.

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  19. These rules rock, no one will play trivia games with me anymore though so I can't use them.

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  20. I love how many "because it's not a real thing" rules there are

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  21. Michelle9/26/2012

    I love Jeopardy, too, and have for a long time. My husband will play, too, but he doesn't have the love for it that I do. It's nice to know there are so many kindred spirits out there!

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  22. Puppygirl9/26/2012

    The appropriate response to Rule #1 is: "I'm not wearing any clothes? Really? I never noticed." and carry on like nothing's happening. It's not your problem if he can't keep his mind out of the gutter and focus on what is important (winning at all costs... I mean ... winning.)

    My husband rarely agrees to play Jeopardy/Trivial Pursuit/Scene It because I've been known to say "I don't know..." to a ridiculously hard question and then randomly guess an answer and GET IT RIGHT. This is variously called by my husband "cheating", "not cool" and "pulling it out of (my) ass".

    I've also guessed the Final Jeopardy answer right just from hearing the category. I call them "educated guesses". See the paragraph above for what my husband calls them.

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  23. Rule #7 is just mean. I'm just saying if I kicked ass and beat someone in more than 3 games I'm busting out a broom and my happy dance and getting my Fred Astaire on. Some things require a happy dance or a happy sweep. I'm settling with 3 wins because I'm so-so with Jeopardy. Now Millionaire on the other hand ooo I can kick ass in that game.

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  24. I love the rules. I am a big fan of jeopardy myself. I remember the first time i was able to answer the final jeopardy question, i gloated for days!

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  25. I love this! Jeopardy was definitely a huge part of my family life growing up, but I don't get to watch it these days since I'm usually home after 7 (when it airs here) and don't have DVR :(

    Also, YES YES YES to rule 12! I have achieved this once in my life and will remember it forever (Category: American Authors - Question: Who was Louisa May Alcott? Booyah!)

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  26. Can you PLEASE do a post on the adapted lyrics of the National Anthem? I'm sure they are hilarious. Please.

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  27. My husband and I buy a Jeopardy calendar every year. Monday starts with a $200 question and Sunday is Final Jeopardy. Since it is not the show itself, we play a little differently. Either person can get points for every question. Then, at the end of the week, we look at the Final Jeopardy category, make a secret wager with whatever money we have at that point, then look at the question. Then, we answer paper/pencil and declare a winner for the week. We keep a running tally of weekly winners on the refrigerator all year long. I should say here that I am the reigning champion for three years running. Unfortunately, we are tied right now and I'm worried I may actually suffer my first loss. Wish me luck! We love watching the show, too. It cracks us up how condescending Alex can be sometimes when guests make "silly" guesses.

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  28. Rapscallion...

    lol

    awesome.

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  29. Lisa in Seattle9/26/2012

    OK: Youve made it onto the show. What are your dream categories? Mine are Mustelidae, Heraldry, Spelling, Antarctica, LotR, and Industrial. Now you: GO!!!

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  30. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  31. Siobhan F.9/27/2012

    Sorry, don't know why I came up as Unknown, thought it would pull up my Google ID . . .

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  32. Siobhan F.9/27/2012

    This is what I originally wrote:
    I'm just curious about the title of this particular post. Did you mean to say "The Pen Is", or is the spelling intentional?
    Anyway, I love Jeopardy, but I'm apparently not a diehard!
    I just started reading your blog (linked to it from The Bloggess), and I'm loving it. Looking forward to reading more1

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    1. I was wondering that too. Lauren uses a lot of plays on words in her titles, though, so I assumed it was intentional.

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    2. "The Penis Mightier" is an old SNL joke when they did Celebrity Jeopardy skits and Darryl Hammond played Sean Connery. Look it up on YouTube! So funny. Maybe don't look it up by searching "the penis mightier" though. That seems like it could be bad.

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  33. My boyfriend Adam has been trying to get on the show for years (if ONLY he would be selected for the interview rounds! He KILLS!) and I would, too, if I had all the Xanax in the world to quell my anxiety. We get a little too excited and jump up off the couch while yelling out the answers and disturbing the other couch occupants (okay, fine - I'M the one that does that) - luckily, I don't do that when we do crossword puzzle races (apparently, we turn all sorts of trivia into the most competitive thing in the world). Lately, though, I've been making an "annoying" (read: endearing and hilarious) habit of coming up with Celebrity Jeopardy-style categories based on random signs I read when we're out an about, e.g. we were at the courthouse getting fingerprinted for teaching abroad, and while we waited to be called, I read a brochure about Civil Warrants and suddenly blurted quite loudly "Civil War Rants for $400, Alex!" to which my boyfriend giggled much to his chagrin and much to my smug sense of awesomeness. The elderly woman seated next to me looked concerned to be in such close proximity to me, but she clearly does NOT watch Jeopardy and is therefore missing out on a world of amazing.

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  34. Oh! I got final jeopardy before the clue was revealed twice! Once it was "modem textiles" and I guessed Kevlar correctly but the best one ever was when the category was "artists" and I guessed "frida khalo" right. Of all the artists ever.

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  35. SEVERAL things: 1. "The Spice Girls, Jane Austen, Fucking Delicious Cheeses" I think I fucking love you.
    2. "I have won the World Series more times than the White Sox who are horrible." I revoke the previous statement (I was literally laughing to the point of almost peeing my pants until I got to that part. Then I stopped dead, mid snort).
    3. I also love Jeopardy. And DVR it--My high school English teacher was on on Monday. Deb. I really hated the smug blonde. I could see the moment one of my fave teachers almost threw the buzzer at her. It was hilarious.
    4. I have a friend who does a stellar impression of "Sean Connery" and upon meeting Darryl Hammond, thanked him for teaching my pal how to BE Sean Connery. :)

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