“I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'Because I'm not myself you see.”

Hello Blogstalkers, if you've read yesterday's post you know I'm having a bit of a rough go for the last little while.  I don't want to give in to the depression completely because I've done that before and then it's a lot harder to struggle my way back to the top in the end.  So I'm still going to write and post.  I'm sorry if these posts seem weird and sad.  I'm weird and sad right now.

But anyway,

When Ryan came home from work yesterday, I was wrapped up on the couch in my favorite blanket, wearing earmuffs and fingerless gloves, because even though it was in the 80s outside, my bouts of depression always make me ice cold.

I spent today watching Coal Miner's Daughter starring Sissy Spacek as Loretta Lynn and Tommy Lee Jones as Doolittle Lynn and I have had a revelation, I said to Ryan.

It also looks like you spent today eating all of the candy that you 'purchased early for Halloween so that the stores didn't run out of candy for the trick or treaters', answered Ryan.

Candy doesn't preserve well Ryan and if you agree to this plan then we will be packing up immediately and moving to Butcher Hollow, Kentucky to begin our simple new lives.

We're moving to Butcher Hollow, Kentucky?

Yes because that is where all of the miners are, which is a key element of my plan.

Which is?

First we move to Kentucky where we, thanks to my mastery of a Southern accent, slide seamlessly into society.  You of course will have to be mute because your grating Chicago accent will almost certainly scare the gentle Southern folk away.

Lauren, you have a way way worse Chicago accent than I do and your day-to-day Southern accent leaves much to the imagination.  In fact, the only time I actually found your Southern accent even a little convincing was when I was with your sister and Jake and you in Nashville and you and your sister were both drunk and decided to try the "Inferno Pepper Chili" at which point Jake and I moved across the room so we could get away from your ridiculousness.

As I recall, you couldn't resist our charms for very long and were back at our side in almost no time.

That's because you yelled at us "Hey y'all you have got to come try this chili!  It's hotter than a goat's butt in pepper patch!"

We were blending in!  The boy at the table next to us told us it was a saying!  But whatever, the fact that I need to be drunk for people to buy my Southernness only works to my advantage with this plan.

Which is?

As I've said, move to Butcher Hollow, Kentucky, home of many coal miners.  Then open a bar and make a big sign that says "We Serve Miners."  Then hang the sign in the window.  Because of this, my most brilliant marketing scheme of all time probably, the bar will pretty much just run itself.  And then I can be drunk and Southern and you can be mute and ornery and help with the heavy lifting.  And everything will be easy.

I......just...

And then one day I will be drunkenly lilting about, murmuring a sweet tune under my breath and everyone in the town will get together and vote and decide that I need to be on the radio and famous and then I will marry Tommy Lee Jones even though he is old.

That's it then?  Your entire plan?  To open a bar and make a sign?

Yeah...::sigh:: It seemed stronger earlier, while the movie was on, poetic even.

And then I started crying because of how I would never get to marry Tommy Lee Jones or something, I don't even know.  Once again all of my dreams had been dashed.

But then Ryan surprised me with an awesome keyboard since music tends to make me feel better during the times my brain has gone all Weird-Ass-Through-The-Looking-Glass on me.  So now I can hopefully get back into playing a bit.  (I played the piano for 15 years growing-up and took concert pianist classes in college.)

Also, now I can take videos of myself playing and singing and we will all know for sure if I should be on the radio and famous or not.  I'm guessing yes.  I'm probably the next Karmin but no one knows it yet.

This is what depression looks like on me Blogstalkers.  Hope I've not brought you all down.

Now if you'll excuse me,  I have to go escape reality again and watch the entire Little House On The Prarie TV series and probably concoct  complicated plans in which we move to the prarie and I become a teacher and Ryan changes his name to Alryanzo and we go on buggy rides for fun.

Thanks for all of your support times one million.

54 comments:

  1. Don't start chawin' on Tobaccey now ya hear.

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  2. Anonymous9/06/2012

    I have a secret dream that I am an excellent pianist.

    Looking forward to musical videos already!

    xoxo!

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  3. Personally, I love that plan. It's too bad there are no mines in southern Missouri because you could open your bar next to the restaurant I've been planning for years with a view of Table Rock Dam that we're calling Build Your Own Dam Sandwich where you get to obviously build your own sandwich. Along with the Get Your Own Dam Drink soda fountain and Get Your Own Dam Dessert dessert bar. I'm sure we can find a dam in Kentucky though if you're still up for it.

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    1. Or build a dam and they dam well better come.

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  4. Shelley9/06/2012

    I look forward to your posts everyday. Written while dealing with depression or not they are always great and bring a smile to my face! I Love, Love, Love Little House on the Prairie! I'm trying to get my six year old daughter into it. Unfortunately she is not quite there yet. I hope you are feeling better soon.

    From a Blogstalker that has never commented before :)

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  5. IF YOU GO TO THE PRAIRIES, I WILL FOLLOW YOU!

    I didn't mean to sound like a super scary stalker, I just really want to recreate Little House on the Prairies. And Andrew can hunt for us while we go gather berries to make a delicious pie. Ryan will become a carpenter or something, I'm not too sure of his skills...

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  6. 1. Karmin is a couple I think so get Ryan a triangle so you can work together too. Well besides running the bar and buggy rental.

    2. I bought you a pick me up treat* today, that when I saw it I knew you would like it, but I bought it on One Kings Lane so prepare yourself for awesomeness in 3-4 weeks when it arrives in Texas then heads to the Windy City to you. I bought the last one so since the other Blogstalkers and I possibly share a brain, you might get 9 of them. So have a giveaway or torment Ryan with the extras. *No it is NOT a Ryan Gosling coloring book!

    3. The best compliment someone gave me years ago was that even when I am depressed and crying I am still trying to make myself laugh. As I got older I found out about the magic that is happy pills and kitten and laughing baby videos on you tube. Slip a few of those into your Sally Spacek/LHOTP marathon. It may take a little while, but it does get better!

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  7. I get this, completely. I spent 4 hours last night crying because my husband has lost weight and his wedding ring doesn't fit him anymore. I mean, what the hell...?
    I spend a lot of time deeply depressed and thinking obsessively about injuring myself.

    I like your "through the looking glass" metaphor. Husband last night compared my depression to Plato's allegory of the Cave. And it's true.

    No matter if you're sunny or sad, I enjoy reading your blog. Remember you're not alone, and that depression bitch is full of lies.

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  8. i can guarantee you have a better southern accent than i do... and i live in texas!

    thinking about you and sending good vibes your way :)

    *hugs*

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  9. You being you will never, never bring us down, Lauren: It just makes us want to hug you and send you sunshine in the mail. Hang in there!

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  10. I think the universe is effing with all of us right now because I've been in a darker than usual pit of depression. If it makes you feel better about your accent, I'm an Indian (dot not feather) with a southern accent that makes people from not-the-south do the confused-dog-head-tilt.

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    1. This comment made me laugh out loud, and I think I might adore you.

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    2. "Confused dog head tilt" is probably THE most brilliant descriptor I have ever come across. You can't NOT know what that means and then immediately vsualize it! ( though I only had to look in the mirror as totally was doing it after reading about your accent, ha! Even though one of my favourite things is meeting people with unexpected accents! :)

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  11. Anonymous9/06/2012

    Depression I am most familiar with in many shades and colors. But more importantly....How did you hear the movie thru the earmuffs? Surely the muffling added to the melancholy. Seriously tho, hugs from one who gets it.

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  12. Let me know when you get to the episode when Almanzo gives Laura the shawl for her birthday and she says 'its like I'm wearing your colors'. I'll come over with cookies and we can make cinnamon chicken and laugh at Nellie....'K?

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  13. and...if you serve food, the menu can consist of all cheese dishes!!! Maybe thinking of all the awesome ideas may bring a smile to your face! But, crying helps too!!

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  14. I laughed so hard at "we serve miners". Marketing masterpiece!

    Feel better soon.

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    Replies
    1. Clearly it wouldn't work on idiots though .., I totally did not get that until I read your comment ( had been thinking " of course you do, it's mining country!) ... ((facepalm))

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  15. Here you go.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OORsz2d1H7s&feature=fvwrel

    If it works, it will make you feel better. If it doesn't work, just google put one foot in front of the other. It's Christmassy and catchy.

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  16. Better watch they don't think you mean you serve underaged people with that sign. *badum-ching*

    (PS I really do respect Southerners/actual miners, please don't hurt me.)

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  17. Isn't it ironic how when we finally get what we want we end up completely depressed? Right now I feel overwhelmed and "goal-less" (its a word I promise) and I don't know what to do with myself. It seems to trigger my depression even more. I totally sympathize the weird and sad thing. Though I must say your recreation of the conversation was pretty amusing. Maybe you should continue the documentation of weird and sad so you can go back and enjoy your quirkiness later. (If the dependency status pending triggers the depression stop reading NOW!) I warned you. Personally the only time I am really happy and not depressed is when I am pregnant or on birth control and have the increase estrogen. So I guess you have another argument for baby being pregnant could "cure" your depression!
    Kira

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  18. Hugs. My hubby has serious seasonal depression. When the days start to get shorter, he struggles. He wants to sleep 12+ hours a day and it's really hard.

    As a side note, Troy and I are planning to open a movie theater/bar/japanese steakhouse/t-shirt shop. You can the run the miner bar out of our movie theater if you want. We seriously reference this plan about once every 3 months and it gets tweaked. We feel like it's the perfect plan for date nights. Like 1 stop date. Save gas. Get drunk. Eat. See a movie. Commemorate your evening by getting your face and the date printed on a t-shirt. I wish I were joking. It's our retirement plan. Want in?

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  19. I find that Garfunkel and Oates have a song for any given moment in my life including their song "I Don't Know Who You Are" for every time I go to the grocery store and this clerk dude chats me up like we were best friends back in the day and I have no idea who he is.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0h0a27_jPQ

    Even though "Silver Lining" is more in reference to a break-up you could always pretend that despression is the jerk that you used to date and now you're moving on.

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  20. I vote for the Anne of Green Gables to be your next dive-into series. I'm big on talking about puffed sleeves and the lady of the lake and telling Paul he needs to say "I'm SOOOORRY" (that was Canadian...) to me.
    I'm seriously wanting an in-costume, in-character trip to PEI.
    Hang in there. (Now you're picturing that kitten, aren't you?!?)

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I love this! I think we are kindred spirits. :)

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  21. I'm sorry that was priceless and funny. I'd move to Louisville though and serve the soldiers or locals.

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  22. (Shake shake throttle. slap slap) Get up! Wake Up! Snap out of it! Go buy a plant, for Jip's sake. You're better than that!

    It's a treacle well and you're about to fall in. Get a grip.

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    1. But there's no such thing as a treacle well!

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    3. Says the lady wearing earmuffs and fingerless gloves in September.

      You need to take a pottery wheel class. (double slap) Go get dirty. Go make a vase. (and say it so it doesn't rhyme with base)

      "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
      How I wonder what you're at!"

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  23. Anonymous9/06/2012

    You win the internet with Alryanzo!

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  24. I love this post mostly because Ryan is sooo kind to you. What a great husband to buy you a keyboard as an attempt to woo you out of depressed-land. I hope you find your way. In the meantime, this is still a great post. I'm sad that you're sad but hopeful because you have great support.

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  25. Hang in there, keep scheming (because the brain is a muscle and it needs exercise even when your body is frozen on the sofa), and you and Ryan come on down South when you need a change of scenery. I have a guest room and will politely ignore your Yankee accents if ya'll will politely ignore my Southern.

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  26. Hang in there! I understand what you are going though and I'm right there with you! It feels like things can't go right anywhere in my life so basically all I want to do is hide under the covers eat cheesy thing and pin things I will never do. It will get better(at least I hope so!)

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  27. Your Little House On The Prairie plan gets my vote. Then you can learn to quilt! And sew dresses by hand! And wear bonnets!

    Huh, is this all sounding a bit Amish, or is it just me?

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  28. Anonymous9/07/2012

    Have you thought about getting pregnant? That, to me is a surefire depression cure.

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    1. I think she has thought about it plenty lol RYAN is the one who needs to quit thinking about it and just let it happen already lol

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  29. Anonymous9/07/2012

    You make me smile, even if your suffering from depresion, hang in there it will get better:)

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  30. And yet, your writing is still engaging. Don't forget to believe in your talent - your blogstalkers do!

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  31. Your a pianist, too? Playing always makes me feel better! ALWAYS! I have played for almost 23 years now, and also graduated with the degree. (even though it does no good in real life!)

    I can see you getting better by the minute. :) You are such a beautiful soul! Keep shining!

    p.s. Goats butts are pretty hot in a pepper patch, just ask my babies Apple and Pear! They learned their lesson the hard way ;)

    Much love,
    Mrs. Franklin, aka Sober_mom

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  32. Oh Lauren I'm so sorry, I totally understand how you feel. I suffer from quite crippling anxiety and I'm just coming back to myself after two weeks of hourly panic attacks and insomnia. When I get that way I feel like I could spin and spin into the stratosphere and it still wouldn't be enough space for my brain. I feel like nothing will ever be good again and that all the things I used to take pleasure in have been lost to me forever. It WILL get better. Keep telling yourself, every day, over and over again. Things will make you laugh again and you can hug your loved ones without feeling like you'll break into a million pieces. You bring a lot of people happiness and joy, you made my fortnight a lot more bearable.

    Keep strong, lots of love!

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  33. "we serve miners" is the best!!

    I hope you feel a bit better every day.

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  34. Anonymous9/07/2012

    I'm so sorry that you are going through depression like that. Just know that by keeping up the writing you are making people like me smile. Keep it up!!!

    Carol Dickerson

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  35. Hope you are felling better, and you just reminded me that my son has to practice his keyboard lessons ;)
    http://livinginmex.blogspot.com/2012/08/what-sound-of-music-movie-can-teach-my.html

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  36. This post breaks my heart and makes me laugh all at the same time. That's a weird combo... I know. But I know what you mean, too. I hate having eggshell happiness. You know, when you feel super excited and happy about something but when it gets bumped it just cracks all apart and then you cry. You cry about that and everything else and nothing. It sucks. But, your humor is a gift.

    Also, if you ever want to open a bar and ryan isn't down, I am, for sho! I wanted to open one with a counseling center on the side and call it "group therapy" and, of course, commit insurance fraud, but my loving man shut me down. So, if THAT is what you are into, I am down. If you want straight and narrow, find someone else.

    http://nowthatiamitalian.blogspot.com

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  37. I have only recently started commenting on your blog, but I have read nearly everything When you read somebody's blog, you come to care about them and think of them as a friend of sorts. I even had a dream where you threw a party and had the best Rice Krispie treats, and you caught me trying to stuff some in my purse. Ryan was even in this dream. I woke up thinking, what is WRONG with me?

    I want to thank you for writing about what you're going through. I am coming out of a rough patch myself. Your posts and all your readers who have shared their experiences and how they fight depression is so reassuring to read. Sometimes I get worn down when I think about fighting this for the rest of my life, but it helps a lot to read about others with similar struggles. People who deal with depression are scrappy folk. It'll knock us down, but we'll get up eventually.

    Last thing: I recently read The Long Winter, Little Town on the Prairie, and These Happy Golden Years and was delighted when you mentioned you would be re-reading them. I hadn't read them since I was a kid, and I feel like hugging myself now, that's how happy reading these books has made me. Almanzo Wilder...sigh. In These Happy Golden Years, it was hard not to skip to the parts with him in it.

    Take care.

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  38. Megan M.9/07/2012

    Hi Lauren, I recently discovered your blog from The Bloggess and you are wonderfully weird and make me laugh a lot and I'm a little envious of your gorgeous wedding and awesome relationship with Ryan and OJ! I think my husband and I need an OJ.

    I'm sorry that you feel depressed and I truly hope that you feel normal soon. Have you had enough cheese lately? Maybe your mood imbalance is really just a cheese imbalance. (If only it were that simple, right?) Anyway, lots of love to you.

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  39. I can't wait to hear/see your videos of you playing/singing. It's strange how depression can sneak in and steal everything that should be good and right, and I hope you come out the other side soon.

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  40. I would LOVE to hear and or see you sing and play the piano! Do you take requests?

    PS When I was 5 I had decided that I was going to marry Sean Connery. Except it was Sean Connery in Darby O'Gail and the Little People Sean Connery, not Indiana Jones Sean Connery, which coincidently came out around the time I was 5. So anywho, I was going to marry him and told everyone I knew that we would live happily ever after as only Disney princesses could do. Until my aunt crushed my dreams by showing me that Sean Connery did not, in fact, look like that anymore and that he was much much older. I think I cried for a month.

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  41. I'm from southern West Virginia, and I actually have family from Butcher Hollow, KY. I can try and teach you how to be southern that way you two blend into society better. (Here's a tip, drink lots of sweet tea. It's a big thing down here.)

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  42. I have a slight southern accent because my mom was from east Texas. Easier to do it when you're hanging out with someone southern, kinda just blends into ya. Have to say bless your heart. Best insult wrapped in a compliment. Least your dreams are a lot more realistic than me becoming an action movie star, billionaire who gets adopted by The Rock's mom.

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  43. For some reason I had a dream the other night that you and Justin Timberlake were running from the cops all over Vegas. Not me and him but YOU and him! Hopefully that makes you smile a bit knowing that even in my dreams he only wants you! :)

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  44. Lauren9/10/2012

    I hate to be presumptuous and give you advice, but I'm a Lauren with frequent bouts of depression and I just wanted to mention that keeping a schedule is a big deal for me. I didn't figure it out until I was out of college, but every summer and Christmas break depression would set in. I could never figure it out, until I finally started working full-time. It seemed to come on me much less frequently, and one of my doctors pointed out that many people with depression benefit from a scheduled day. Eating the same time, going to bed at the same time. Simple things like that can help your brain regulate its chemistry a little better. Or it's one theory, anyway. Just a thought. Hope you're feeling better soon!

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  45. F-Yeah Little House on the Prairie! I watched the whole series in my summer depression, it was awesome. If you watch the blind school fire episode enough it'll snap anyone out of depression.. (ok not really but it is good stuff) thanks for the giggle this morning. keep on keepin on

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