This Is Where The Title Will Go When I Think Of A Title For This Post

Heyyyyy Blogstalkers

Sidenote: Did anyone else just see that first line and then immediately think of Buster in Arrested Development saying "Heyyyy Brother" and then get scarily excited for the fortieth time that the show is coming back?

Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?


But moving on.  Ryan didn't go to work today.  Because it's Shark Week and he's got sharks to watch people!  So he didn't have to get up before dawn this morning.  Which meant he was still in bed when I woke up.  And then I was sitting in bed answering emails/comments and trying to think of clever things to tweet (no success) and he started twitching like crazy.  (Later I learned he was having a dream about playing volleyball.)

As I sat there watching him flail about I started giggling because his twitchiness brought to mind nothing more than the image of my little Daisy dog dreaming about chasing a bunny.  (I just assume that is what she dreams about.)

This is Daisy with her Lucky.  She thinks Lucky is a real puppy and she gives him baths and tries to feed him by dropping him in her food bowl.  They sleep together every single night.
So then I got to thinking about other ways in which Ryan and Daisy are similar and was horrified to realize that there are like...too many.

I shall list some of them for you now.

The Top Five Ways Ryan Is Similar To A Lapdog Named Daisy

1. Like Ryan, Daisy is usually without a shirt.  Though Ryan wants me to mention in his defense that at least he is always top-clad when he is in public and Daisy "almost never is."

Sidenote: As Ryan is home from work today, he is just lolling about bothering me and trying to read over my shoulder so I told him to GO AWAY.  So he went into the kitchen to eat a plum and I guess I was staring at him intently trying to think of ways he and the dog are the same and he was all like "Stop undressing me with your eyes LAUREN."  And I was like "Please Ryan, if anything I was adding more clothes."  And then he snorted with indignance and went upstairs.

2. They both snort when offended.  Seriously.  Whenever I try to make Daisy jump into the car on her own she just looks up at me and snorts like "Please Mother.  I don't know about you, but I for one am a lady.  And ladies only enter vehicles on the arm of someone else."

And then I say to Ryan, "Did she just insinuate that I am a tramp?"  And Ryan is like "I would have no idea, I don't participate in the conversations you have in your head with the dogs.  Now can you please get into the car, we're going to be late."  And I am like "Come over here and hand me into the car, Daisy is watching."  And Ryan is all "No."  And I am all "Every single freaking day you manage to do something worse than Mr. Darcy."

And I try SO HARD to be more like Elizabeth Bennet too.  For example, my hair looks exactly like that right now.
3. They both enjoy ham.

4. They both hate going outside in the rain.  I have to physically shove Daisy out the door when it's raining and I have to play mental puppet master with Ryan to get him to take the garbage out when there is water falling from the sky.

I just stand at the window and sigh and say things like "Oh dear. I was going to ask you to run the garbage out but it appears to be raining.  And I would hate it if your mascara started to run or if you muddied the hem of your ball gown."

And then he is like "What the hell are you talking about, I don't care about the rain."  And then he takes the garbage out.

But really if I had just asked normally the conversation would have gone more like this:

Lauren: Hey Ry? I made fish for dinner so can you take the garbage out now before the whole house starts to smell like fish?

Ryan: Now? But it's raiiinnniinnnngg.

5. Both Daisy and Ryan are easily mollified with treats.  Like sometimes I have to wash Daisy's Lucky since her tongue baths leave a little to be desired.  And at first she will sit at the washing machine and whine.  Until I give her a doggy treat.  Then she is like "Fuck Lucky, I've got a cookie."

The same works with Ryan.  Like one time we were giving my sister our old laptop for college when we got a new one and because I was embarrassed about the quality of music in all of the playlists titled things like"Lauren's Disco Gym Playlist" and "Lauren Rocks Out While Scrapbooking" I went through  and changed all of the "Lauren's" to "Ryan's" before I handed the computer over.  And then everyone in my family teased Ryan for WEEKS about his lame playlists and he was a bit..miffed..with me.  But then I made him chocolate chip cookies and everything was forgiven.

There are countless other things, they are both suckers for a good massage (Ryan actually just left to go get a massage because I am "stressing him out")  and they both run to the door when the mailman gets here, Daisy because she wants to eat the mailman and Ryan because he wants to see if his new slippers have arrived for example, but five seems like a good round number, so I'll leave it there.

Having a good week so far Blogstalkers?  What's going on in your worlds?


76 comments:

  1. I am thoroughly enjoying the fact that you are writing more frequently. Honestly.
    After attending my 20th high school reunion this past weekend, I have been binging on alone-time, eating diet pizza rolls, watching Destination Truth and ghost hunter shows, and basically ignoring the outside world. It's been GREAT.

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    1. So glad you're liking the posts!

      And that sounds fantastic. Especially the pizza rolls part. Though I will say, I am terrified of ghosts and those shows give me terrible nightmares so I can't watch them.

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  2. Mr. Darcy is sadly impossible to live up to, husband-wise.

    Also, they say that a pet and its owner become increasingly alike over time...watch out for Ryan growing giant but adorable white bushy eyebrows!

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    1. Haha! That's actually a terrible picture of Daisy because we keep her shaved most of the time (just not in the middle of winter) so usually she has no eyebrows of which to speak. So perhaps I should watch out for Ryan's eyebrows just falling out one day?

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  3. Michelle8/15/2012

    Our old dog, Pep (who died at the beginning of July) and my husband were eerily similar in many ways, too.

    The big issue in my life right now is having an almost-5-month-old puppy who is currently wearing the cone of shame. She was spayed on Monday so she is supposed to wear the cone 24/7 until she gets the sutures out in a week. She is acting like herself, but she is PISSED about this cone nonsense, and about being told she can't roughhouse. She is a feisty thing. This is my last week off from work and I am spending it being rammed in the legs with the cone as she excitedly runs to me every other minute.

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    1. Oh I'm so sorry to hear about Pep. Losing the dogs I grew up with was so very hard.

      Also, PUPPY! I so want another puppy but Ryan thinks three dogs is probably too many and he is probably right. Did you see the comment from Mary below about the inflatable donut?

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    2. Michelle8/15/2012

      I did. I actually saw the inflatable donuts in Petsmart last night but they were $30 and I kinda felt like I didn't want to spend the $$ on it. I may be reconsidering that, though...

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    3. Dogs' stuff is SO expensive these days. Like I will be in PetSmart and see a squeaky toy one of my dogs would like and then check the price and see it's $21.99. And there's no way I'm spending that much money on a toy for a dog. Which is why Daisy ended up with a 101 Dalmatian stuffed animal that I bought for her for $7 at Disney World.

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  4. I am giddy with glee that you are posting more often. It distracts me from actual work and makes the day go quicker.

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    1. So glad you're liking it!

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  5. I don't have a dog(or a husband) but I have 2 cats(yes I'm aware of how spinster-esque that sounds, hence the name of my blog) and they also flail a lot in their sleep to the point of falling off the bed. It's like, hey you're a tiny cat in a big bed, how do you fall off the bed?
    My cats also like to steal my spot if I get up, it's like I get up and do something and come back and they are all hanging out where I was just sitting looking at me like"shuffle your feet lose your seat dumbass"

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    1. Future Crazy Cat Lady right? (I could be totally making that up....)

      One of my dogs accidentally jumped straight over the couch a couple of days ago. It's like, this is a huge couch and you are a small dog, how on earth did you just miss it entirely?

      And my dogs do the spot stealing thing too. I think just because it's warm.

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    2. Yep! That's me!

      Yes, it might make me a terrible pet parent but when my cats do something spazy, like fall or something I can't help but laugh!

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    3. As long as they're not actually hurt (which they haven't been so far) I totally laugh when my dogs do ridiculous things.

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  6. Considering that my standard greeting is "Heyyyyyyyy Brother" whenever I see or speak with my brothers....yes, I'm terribly excited. Great reference and so glad you're blogging more often!

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    1. So glad someone else shares my enthusiasm for all things Arrested! I totally greet my brother like that too.

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    2. I had no idea that Arrested Development was coming back!! I always love reading your blog but that bit of news, and the chicken montage video, have made my week! =D

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    3. A 4th Season via Netflix and then a movie!

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  7. We have dogs in my office (the owners bring in their dogs, which is possibly the biggest perk of my job). One of our office dogs sleep-barks all the time. It's hilarious. He was sleep barking yesterday. Normally I just imagine he's chasing rabbits, but he recently had to have his eye removed (glaucoma is super painful and he was blind in that eye anyway) and now I'm worried he's having trauma dreams about being one eyed. I should probably stop calling him "Pirate Dog," but I really think his path to healing lies in humor.

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    1. "I should probably stop calling him "Pirate Dog," but I really think his path to healing lies in humor."

      LOVE IT.

      I always wished I worked in an office that allowed dogs. Ever since I was watching a documentary on the tv show Scrubs and they mentioned that they all brought their dogs to work.

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  8. Just like Lloyd Dobbler, Mr. Darcy is but a figment of our desires. Goddamn romantic movies and fairy tales!

    Love your response to Ryan accusing you of undressing him with your eyes!

    Awe. Some!

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    1. Seriously. Not only does Ryan never hand me into the car, Ryan also NEVER stands outside my window with a boom box.

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  9. you might be the funniest person on the planet. so excited this is now your job.

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    1. Holy Crap that's a compliment. I'm so excited this is my new job too!

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  10. Yay for posts two days in a row! Seriously, Ryan stays home to watch shark week? WTF? I don't get it, how many new shark things can they come up with year after year to need so many shark weeks??

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    1. He actually had the day off anyway. I just like pretending that he stayed home for Shark Week. And right?! I'm going to start a thing called "Not Even One Shark Week."

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  11. Michelle, my dog kept whacking me with his cone of shame, so I bought an inflatable donuts instead. He still couldn't lick his paw and he had a built in head rest. Plus, he stopped clotheslining himself trying to get on the couch.

    Lauren, I love that you compared Ryan and your dog. Thanks for making me laugh. I was having a very bad day.

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    1. Anytime Mary! Sorry to hear you were having a bad day.

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    2. Anonymous8/15/2012

      How did Ryan manage to stay home?! Brett went in a 3am! Uh-oh.
      Meg

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    3. Yeah Ryan was fielding calls all night last night. I think he just hit his limit before he could go in so he wouldn't have been able to trade anyway. He did end up going in to watch the market for a little while not too long ago.

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    4. Michelle8/15/2012

      I did see those, Mary, in Petsmart but I didn't want to spend the $30 for one. I may be reconsidering this. :-)

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  12. Ryan stayed home for shark week? That's dedication.

    Me and the hubs got in a huge fight. About blinds. I think you might enjoy it.

    http://barnesdailycircus.blogspot.com/2012/08/monday-day-i-learned-about-my-husbands.html

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    1. Haha, he actually had the day off anyway for nothing to do with Shark Week, but I just like to tease him that he stayed home to watch Shark programming.

      Off to check out your post!

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  13. My step dad never wears a shirt either, it really offends my sister in law. It's not like he's some old man fatty. He actually is rather skinny, but she always gags when we go to my moms house and he has his shirt off. Oh and I got a carousel horse tattooedon my arm last night.

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    1. Ahhh I so have a tattoo that I've wanted forever that I am just too afraid to get done. Maybe I'll work up the courage before the year is out! (Probably not)

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  14. What is going on in my world (since you asked, silly!) is that I recently got engaged after years of nagging (HOORAY)and am now trying to plan "a wedding that only our friends will want to come to since we don't really like our families so much"

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    1. Yay! Congratulations! Good Luck planning the wedding. It's SO MUCH work but well worth it in the end.

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  15. Blondie is JUST like me. It's like having a kid right? You raise them and they pick up your traits.

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    1. You and Blondie DO make some of the same noises.

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  16. Anonymous8/15/2012

    "we are not here to tall nonsense with bob loblaw!"

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    1. Anonymous8/15/2012

      *talk*

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    2. Remember when Bob Loblaw started the Bob Loblaw Law Blog? And then I was tongue-tied for a week.

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  17. Shannon S.8/15/2012

    Oh my God, two new blog posts in two days! I can't even handle this.

    I'm the one who loves Shark Week in this house. My husband has been in Dallas for a work conference since Monday. He is too busy line-dancing and riding mechanical bulls with his colleagues to concern himself with shark-themed television programs (I assume this is exactly what happens at conferences in Dallas, of course).

    Also, I am so relieved to find out I'm not the only one who has long conversations with my dog (in my mind). Sometimes when we're out and the dog (Jupiter) is home alone, I randomly take out my phone and pretend our dog just sent me a text message, usually regarding some elaborate revenge scheme he's plotting against us for leaving him home alone. I read these "messages" aloud to my husband, sigh heavily and say something like "Honey, we really need to address Jupiter's destructive tendencies. These revenge fantasies of his are just not healthy. He needs a serious attitude adjustment because I refuse to tolerate this disrespect."

    This is all totally normal, I tell myself.


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    1. Yep! Get ready for it! I'm aiming to post about four times a week from now on. Crazy.

      That is definitely what happens at conferences in Dallas, for sure, definitely.

      Also, I too am now so relieved to find out I'M not the only one who has mind conversations with my dog. Have you seen the Texts From Dog Blog? Cracks me up.

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  18. Your dog sounds so cute!!!! Is she the one that will be in the Shark Suit? I can't wait for that post. My cats are weird as well, they can jump onto things perfectly fine but if I'm near them they look at me like: "I can't jump onto that tall thing, CLEARLY you will have to pick me up and put me up there. NOW!" So I totally understand your plight with both your dog and your husband! Loved the post!

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    1. It's actually the other dog Zooey (like Gooey with a Z) that will be in the costume. Daisy tries to eat me if I come near her with dog outfits. Which makes it really hard to get her antlers on her at Christmas.

      So glad you liked the post!

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  19. I totally thought "Daisy's Lucky" was a euphemism. Then the washing machine involvement had me really confused.

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    1. Haha that's Lucky (from 101 Dalmatians) in the picture with Daisy, you might have missed the caption?

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  20. When they misbehave do they both get the "who me? Certainly not!" look?

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    1. Oh Obviously. They are both masters of that look.

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  21. I CAN'T WAIT for Arrested Development! Love that clip, too. Thanks for that. :)

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    1. I am seriously waiting with bated breath here.

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  22. I find it fantabulous that Ryan likes ham and you like cheese. That's how you can tell that you two belong together. You are like a ham and cheese sandwich!

    Nothing to report here except that my first grader has the only male teacher in the entire school and he is positively drool-worthy. He is going to give OJ a run for his money!

    PS More OJ singing videos! Or recipes! Or him singing recipes! Any of the above will work for me.

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    1. I never thought of it that way! We totally are like a ham and cheese sandwich!

      And drat, OJ was JUST in town for a Bachelor Party and ALAS I neglected to get any new videos of him singing. Bugger.

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    2. OH! Your comment just made me think of something though!

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    3. I think I might just possibly love you Lauren! In a totally platonic, non-creepy, I-think-you-are-awesome kind of way. That should totally be the definition of BLOGSTALKER.....

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    4. And NOW you've just given me an idea for another post: Lauren's Dictionary.

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    5. Should I be talking to you about royalties Lauren?! :)

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  23. There's nothing more demoralising than the judgement of a pet. My cat's looks of disapproval while I'm inhaling a tub of Baskins and Robins are famous.

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    1. I get sad eyes from my dogs whenever I eat cheese. I still don't give them any though. There's never enough to go around.

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  24. My cat, Shadow, seems to sigh every time I fall down the stairs. It's his way of saying, "Seriously? You've been in this house for seven years. Nothing about the stairs has changed. You should be used to them by now." Sometimes, even my dog will look at me and snigger.

    On another note, my family and I met the Bloggess Monday when she came into Denver. That was by far the best day of my summer!! She is so amazing.

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    1. Jenny is awesome right? I've met her a couple of times and corresponded with her via Twitter/email a bit but the day she commented on this blog I about died. Such an inspiration.

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  25. Just for the record, the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice has Colin Firth as Mr Darcy. Game over.

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    1. OH I know. I wrote about it once before. That is definitely my favorite version. I just couldn't find a picture with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle that suited my needs.

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  26. We have two big dogs, two big teenage boys and a large number of their equally large teenage friends that hang out in our rather small house. The walls keep closing in like some Stephen King novel . . .

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    1. Teenage boys are giant these days right? My brother is 19 and he's like 6'4" or something ridiculous and all of his friends are right there with him. I do not remember boys being that large when I was a teenager.

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  27. I am more than curious to know what the "Gym Disco Playlist" included. And the scapbooking one. Because it's probably more likely I would use a scrapbooking playlist than a gym playlist.

    Glad you're writing more, you have a great way of sounding like a normal person through 75% of a sentence, then breaking out the crazy to keep a reader on her toes.

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    1. I am quite good at breaking out the crazy if I do say so myself.

      As far as the playlists go...probably lots of Venga Boys and Aqua, maybe some Dream. Terrible stuff really.

      That's why it was so funny. My sister was like Ryan do you seriously have a playlist that includes the song 'Barbie Girl'?

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  28. Is shark week really a thing?

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    1. It really is. Isn't that horrible?

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  29. There is so much good stuff going on here that I can't comment on all of it, but I do have to say I love "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT". I have such a crush on Jason Bateman..mmmm yum. My husband knows that if Jason Bateman showed up outside my window with a boombox his ass would be out on the curb next to the recycle bin. Also too, I love the reason you cleaned your nightstand. Also three, I am getting a tattoo soon in honor of my brother...it won't be heyyyyy brother, but I will definitely be thinking that when I get my tattoo!

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    1. Oh you can bet if Jason Bateman pulled a Lloyd Dobbler, I'd be out the door in a flash.

      I was so sorry to see about your brother on Facebook. Losing someone is never easy. Hope you and yours are all doing a bit better. Sending lots of happy thoughts and chicken dances your way.

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    2. Thanks Lauren. It's still hard, but he keeps showing himself to us all over the place. :)

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  30. How about begging for food?

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    1. Ryan - yep. Daisy - entirely too lazy to get off of her spot on the couch to come beg.

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  31. I sometimes insinuate that my husband is a "princess" and he usually snorts and does the dirty job. Works (almost) every time.

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