So yesterday was officially my last day of work. This might be confusing because a couple of posts ago I mentioned that it would be August 31st and then on Facebook I changed it to August 16th and then yesterday on Facebook I was all "Last Day Of Work!!!!!!!
And then everyone was like "She has lost her mind probably."
And while that is entirely plausible, what actually happened was this: I went in to work yesterday and was called into a discussion with my boss/manager. They said that while they appreciated the fact that I would stay longer if needed, being the middle of the month (which tends to be very slow accounting-wise) it was not needed, so if I wanted, I could leave immediately.
I did want. So I cleared out my desk and left and came home and jumped in circles and screamed and then busted out a verse of "I'm Coming Out." And then all of my neighbors were looking at me funny, so I went inside.
I considered posting yesterday but then I remembered the list of rules that I have to follow in order for Ryan to stay on board with this "Full-Time Blogger Extraordinaire Experiment"...or as he calls it "Lauren Plays Fifties Housewife With A Hobby."
You are such a [redacted] RYAN. (Oops almost broke a rule there.)
So I cleaned my kitchen and made a grocery list and then went to the store.
And then I got home from the store and remembered that there are three flights of stairs that have to be traversed in order for me to get to my kitchen and I looked at my 22 bags of groceries and thought to myself "Self, next week we are only eating popcorn," which was the lightest food I could think of.
Two hours later all of my groceries were finally put away. It may have taken that long because I took three short breaks to drink Orange Fanta Zero and read the latest issue of Martha Stewart Living magazine. (Martha is teaching me how to be a good housewife. Although her skincare regimen is absolutely nuts. I read "Martha gets out of bed at 5:21 AM so she can apply a face mask and let it sit for precisely nine minutes before her 5:30 shower," and was like "No offense Martha, but I am turning the fucking page now."
Then I made a sweet potato pie and homemade whipped cream and when Ryan got home I grilled some shrimp and threw a salad together.
|It tasted in Ryan's words "not too bad."|
Except for the not-blogging thing. But I am rectifying that right now with this AMAZING post right?
Anyway...with all of that nonsense being said, I want to officially welcome you to the second day of the "Year of Lauren Filing Jointly and her Probably Disgruntled Husband."
So a couple of days ago I was out shopping with my BFF Vanessa.
She caught me looking at it and was like "Oh, Ted (her BF) has to wear one of those when he goes into the plants at work." Which was a completely logical explanation. But I like to defy logic. So then we had this conversation.
Lauren: That is a completely logical explanation but let's, for the sake conversation since I have been with you all day and have absolutely nothing left to say to you, explore some other options.
Vanessa: Here we go.
Lauren: What if Ted was exactly the same person he is right now but with one difference. He makes you wear a hair net whenever you are preparing him food of any sort. Would that be a deal breaker?
Vanessa: Like so hypothetically if I'm making a salad for dinner I have to be wearing a hair net?
Lauren: Exactly. And if Ted walks into the kitchen and you've forgotten or neglected to wear the hair net he is like "Vanessa! Hair Net Please!"
Vanessa: That would be weird, but I do like Ted, so I think maybe I'd deal with it.
Lauren: You say that, but consider this. You're throwing a dinner party and guests arrive early, while you're still preparing the amuse-bouches.
Vanessa: You are so pretentious.
Lauren: And you shoot Ted a frantic look as he lets them in because you are wearing a hair net and he just looks at you and silently shakes his head.
Vanessa: The early guests would probably just be you and Ryan right? Because of how you like to get places early in case there is cocktail shrimp? So yeah, whatever, I could deal with that.
Lauren: The cocktail shrimp thing comes from a very haunting memory.
Vanessa: Yeah I asked Ryan once, something about how when you got to your aunt's Christmas party once there was only one piece of cocktail shrimp left and your cousin told you that no one had eaten it because one of the dogs had walked by and licked it and then later she caught you eating it and told everyone.
Lauren: Effing Ryan! I made him swear he would never tell anyone that story.
Vanessa: I have a trick. I just give him a drink and then wait five minutes and say "So Lauren is ridiculous huh?" And then he ALWAYS has a good story to tell.
Lauren: WHAT?! Is that how you found out how I broke my finger last month?
Vanessa: Yes. It's also how I know that when you tell that story about your sister's friend sleepwalking into the living room and pulling down her pants and sitting on the rocking chair and almost peeing before someone stopped her, that it was really you that did that.
Lauren: OK NO. That was not me. That seriously was my sister's friend. Now he's just outright lying. He is in so much trouble when I get home.
And then I realized that I was already home and that we had been sitting in my driveway for the last five minutes so I said good bye to Vanessa and went inside to have a long chat with my husband and possibly rewrite some more of his wedding vows.
And the next day I sent Vanessa this text
|She has yet to respond.|
What would be or has been a deal breaker for you Blogstalkers?
(I once had a friend that had to break up with a guy she was dating because his name was Mario and every time he called she would think "Itsa Me! Mario!" and it drove her crazy.)