The Worst Post I've Ever Written, Or Alternatively, Why I Probably Should Not Have Quit My Job Afterall

Good Morning Blogstalkers!! (It's morning when I'm writing this at least....)

So yesterday was officially my last day of work.  This might be confusing because a couple of posts ago I mentioned that it would be August 31st and then on Facebook I changed it to August 16th and then yesterday on Facebook I was all "Last Day Of Work!!!!!!!

And then everyone was like "She has lost her mind probably."

And while that is entirely plausible, what actually happened was this:  I went in to work yesterday and was called into a discussion with my boss/manager.  They said that while they appreciated the fact that I would stay longer if needed, being the middle of the month (which tends to be very slow accounting-wise) it was not needed, so if I wanted, I could leave immediately.

I did want.  So I cleared out my desk and left and came home and jumped in circles and screamed and then busted out a verse of "I'm Coming Out."  And then all of my neighbors were looking at me funny, so I went inside.



I considered posting yesterday but then I remembered the list of rules that I have to follow in order for Ryan to stay on board with this "Full-Time Blogger Extraordinaire Experiment"...or as he calls it "Lauren Plays Fifties Housewife With A Hobby."

You are such a [redacted] RYAN. (Oops almost broke a rule there.)

So I cleaned my kitchen and made a grocery list and then went to the store.

And then I got home from the store and remembered that there are three flights of stairs that have to be traversed in order for me to get to my kitchen and I looked at my 22 bags of groceries and thought to myself "Self, next week we are only eating popcorn," which was the lightest food I could think of.

Two hours later all of my groceries were finally put away.  It may have taken that long because I took three short breaks to drink Orange Fanta Zero and read the latest issue of Martha Stewart Living magazine.  (Martha is teaching me how to be a good housewife.  Although her skincare regimen is absolutely nuts.  I read "Martha gets out of bed at 5:21 AM so she can apply a face mask and let it sit for precisely nine minutes before her 5:30 shower," and was like "No offense Martha, but I am turning the fucking page now."

Then I made a sweet potato pie and homemade whipped cream and when Ryan got home I grilled some shrimp and threw a salad together.

It tasted in Ryan's words "not too bad."
So it was a very successful first day

Except for the not-blogging thing.  But I am rectifying that right now with this AMAZING post right?

Anyway...with all of that nonsense being said, I want to officially welcome you to the second day of the "Year of Lauren Filing Jointly and her Probably Disgruntled Husband."

So a couple of days ago I was out shopping with my BFF Vanessa.

Hi Vanessa!
And as I climbed into her car (which is actually her boyfriend's car) I noticed a hair net sitting on the console

She caught me looking at it and was like "Oh, Ted (her BF) has to wear one of those when he goes into the plants at work."  Which was a completely logical explanation.  But I like to defy logic.  So then we had this conversation.

Lauren: That is a completely logical explanation but let's, for the sake conversation since I have been with you all day and have absolutely nothing left to say to you, explore some other options.

Vanessa: Here we go.

Lauren: What if Ted was exactly the same person he is right now but with one difference.  He makes you wear a hair net whenever you are preparing him food of any sort.  Would that be a deal breaker?

Vanessa: Like so hypothetically if I'm making a salad for dinner I have to be wearing a hair net?

Lauren: Exactly.  And if Ted walks into the kitchen and you've forgotten or neglected to wear the hair net he is like "Vanessa! Hair Net Please!"

Vanessa: That would be weird, but I do like Ted, so I think maybe I'd deal with it.

Lauren: You say that, but consider this.  You're throwing a dinner party and guests arrive early, while you're still preparing the amuse-bouches.

Vanessa: You are so pretentious.

Lauren: And you shoot Ted a frantic look as he lets them in because you are wearing a hair net and he just looks at you and silently shakes his head.

Vanessa: The early guests would probably just be you and Ryan right?  Because of how you like to get places early in case there is cocktail shrimp?  So yeah, whatever, I could deal with that.

Lauren: The cocktail shrimp thing comes from a very haunting memory.

Vanessa: Yeah I asked Ryan once, something about how when you got to your aunt's Christmas party once there was only one piece of cocktail shrimp left and your cousin told you that no one had eaten it because one of the dogs had walked by and licked it and then later she caught you eating it and told everyone.

Lauren:  Effing Ryan!  I made him swear he would never tell anyone that story.

Vanessa: I have a trick.  I just give him a drink and then wait five minutes and say "So Lauren is ridiculous huh?"  And then he ALWAYS has a good story to tell.

Lauren: WHAT?! Is that how you found out how I broke my finger last month?

Vanessa: Yes.  It's also how I know that when you tell that story about your sister's friend sleepwalking into the living room and pulling down her pants and sitting on the rocking chair and almost peeing before someone stopped her, that it was really you that did that.

Lauren: OK NO.  That was not me.  That seriously was my sister's friend.  Now he's just outright lying.  He is in so much trouble when I get home.

And then I realized that I was already home and that we had been sitting in my driveway for the last five minutes so I said good bye to Vanessa and went inside to have a long chat with my husband and possibly rewrite some more of his wedding vows.

And the next day I sent Vanessa this text

She has yet to respond.

What would be or has been a deal breaker for you Blogstalkers?  

(I once had a friend that had to break up with a guy she was dating because his name was Mario and every time he called she would think "Itsa Me! Mario!" and it drove her crazy.)


OH! And in the spirit of adventure and fresh starts, please check out Island Wilson Excursions at islandwilson.com. Capt Wilson returns to the Virgin Islands to pick up where he left off, living the island life and taking his guests out snorkeling.  Totally beats accounting.

Make sure you watch the video "A Typical Day" You'll be looking for airfare deals to the VIs shortly after.


52 comments:

  1. You and Vanessa were shopping for trees? Or just in JungleMart, where the produce is picked for you, on the spot by people wearing hairnets and loincloths. And trained monkeys for the high stuff (with or without hairnets, depending on how well the training went). Or not. *Nurse, I need more medication!*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now I really wish JungleMart was a thing. Like really really wish. I would spend so much time there.

      Delete
  2. Ok, this is what I am picturing.

    All your former workmates are sitting around shaking their heads and every few minutes one of them sighs and says "Things just aren't the same here without Lauren" and "This freaking staff meeting is going to be so boring without one of Lauren's ridiculous comments" and last but not least, "Wow, since Lauren's been gone nobody is stealing my cheese from the company refrigerator!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! I have been told that the office gets "eerily quiet" on days I'm not there. And I would NEVER NEVER steal someone else's cheese, just because of how much it would break my heart if someone did that to me.

      Unless it was a Cheese-Mergency of course, then I'm all about stealing cheese.

      Delete
  3. This was brilliant, but it has caused me to burn my dinner. Again. I'd already burned the mince a little bit by getting distracted while reading Amanda Palmer's blog, so I sent my husband out to get some Jack Daniels to "deglaze the pan" (which is what I call it when I burn stuff a bit), and so he did, and I poured the Jack in and deglazing was going great. Then I got distracted by your blog being too funny, and the amazing deglazing Jack just got all burnt and sticky. I've moved it to another pan. I think it's salvageable, but I'd better get back to it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment totally just made me laugh out loud. I am one hundred percent using the "deglazing the pan" thing with my husband in the future. With Amazing Deglazing Jack of course.

      Delete
    2. Sometimes I use red wine, but it doesn't have quite the same alcoholic or rhyming ring to it. Also, red wine doesn't go with chilli so much, it turns out.

      Delete
    3. And Jack Daniels totally goes with anything. Seriously.

      Delete
  4. Check out Jungle Jims International Market. It's awesome. You need a map to get around.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Checking this out immediately.

      Delete
  5. Hair nets would so be a deal breaker.

    My deal breaker with Andrew is that, as hick as he may be, he must never hunt nor express an interest in hunting polar bears or elephants. Because they are majestic and shit.

    Happy full-time blogging!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hair nets would so be a deal breaker for me too I think. And I completely get the polar bear/elephant thing. My almost-deal-breaker with Ryan occurred when he told me he didn't think he was going to wear a wedding ring after we got married. And I was like "No Way Jose."

      Thanks!

      Delete
  6. I love that you quit your job, agreed to adhere to a list to keep Ryan from going insane for agreeing to this, and that your first post post-job is about a hair net.

    You're going far friend. No sarcasm. This shit is priceless. If you blow up in the next year (not literally, please don't blow up) just remember the lobster. I'll always have it here for you. Or rather, in the ocean. If I kept lobster at my house "always" we'd have an issue...and some pretty disgusting lobster.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ryan reminds me about the lobster approximately every five days. So I promise you I will never ever forget about it.

      And yes, a hair net, I'm totally going places.

      Delete
  7. I had to wear a hair net for years in my previous life as a baker and bakery/deli manager. I often didn't notice when I got home that it was still on. I never wore it in my kitchen though. On the other hand, telling stories about how your mate once almost peed in the front room - dealbreaker. Unless it's my husband - he's kinda famous in the neighborhood for stopping at any random place to pee.

    Good luck on the grand experiment!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I worked at a Hardware store in high school I constantly forgot to take my name tag off after work. And then was forever mystified when people at like Starbucks knew my name.

      The peeing thing was seriously not me! But everyone is always like SURE LAUREN, your "sister's friend".

      Thanks!

      Delete
  8. Yay! I'm so happy for you, Lauren. Enjoy being a 50s housewife/blogger extraordinaire!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Living out my dream! I tried to convince my husband that I should quit my job and be a fifties housewife/blogger but he thought it might be a bad idea considering he's currently unemployed and my blog only averages 10 views a day. He's far too logical sometimes. But our cats would get annoyed if we couldn't afford to feed them so I guess he wins for now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I still can't believe that I somehow got my husband to agree to this. It seems like way way too good to be true. And you write the Koala blog right? You have pictures of your bathroom on there and I am obsessed with your little white Octopus-like statue thing on the towel rack.

      Delete
    2. Yep, that's me! Crafty like a Koala is still pretty new and has been severely neglected until recently but I'm trying to turn that around. I got that octopus from PlasticLand.com as a Christmas present for my husband. When I excitedly told him that you checked out the blog and liked his octopus statue he said, "Stop looking at that, it's mine." I was tricked into marrying a kindergartner.

      Delete
    3. I'm seriously checking that website right now and ordering the octopus if it is still available.

      Delete
  10. "I'm Coming Out" is probably one of the best songs to belt out. Seriously.
    Also, in relation to your friend dating Mario, when we were in Venice there was a pizza place near our hotel, and the guy slingin' pies was apparently named Mario. Thusly, every time we walked by I would say "Maaario!" like when you choose your character in Mario Party. Husband told me I wasn't allowed to talk. I feel like telling you my reaction to the Spanish lisp would be redundant now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep that definitely sounds like something I would do too. Ryan doesn't take me places much. Also, I spoke Spanish in high school with a lisp because I was "more authentic" than the rest of my classmates.

      Delete
  11. You're hysterical!

    Okay so a deal breaker for me was this one guy who was super sweet, and really awesome, but then one day he did an impression of Beavis from "Beavis and Butthead" and I was like "Holy crap... he actually looks a little bit like Beavis." and then I could no longer see him without thinking "I am the Great Cornholio" and it was AWFUL.

    So yeah...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha THAT'S hysterical!

      It's so funny what little things can make everything else not work.

      Ryan does a great Chewbacca impression. But luckily looks nothing like Chewbacca.

      Delete
  12. Lisa S8/14/2012

    To the year of Lauren! *Toasts with my chocolate*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *Toasts back with my Orange Fanta Zero.*

      I'm not like pushing Fanta btw, I'm just obsessed with the stuff lately.

      Delete
  13. That was an awesome random post! We don't judge you, we're probably all just as strange!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha yeah..I'm just the dummy that puts it all on the internet.

      Glad you liked it!

      Delete
  14. Congradulations on your housewife status. I'm currently debating quitting my job as I re-enrolled at college after a 10 year time-out, and wonder if i will have enough human contact if I am home all day going to school online(I might go cra-cray). Every morning when im up at 6am all I can think about is not getting up that early.

    Im looking forward to reading about some random chic in Chicago more often. =) Cheers to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Rosalie! I debated going back to school for a long time too, maybe at the end of this year long housewife experiment. Good luck with school! That's so exciting.

      Delete
  15. I did that Thursday. I bought so many groceries that it took me 40 minutes to get them all inside, and then another hour to find a spot for all of them. I freely admit that I ate several of the dark chocolate Keeblers because I just didn't have a spot for them, so they needed a home in my tummy! I bought a lot of cheese though Lauren, since I am unable to resist the gourmet cheese that they have at the Farmer's Market on Thursdays. It's very gouda! Happy Writing!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At our old condo building I used to just borrow the cart that they had in the lobby for groceries and then take the elevator up to my floor and wheel the cart basically into my fridge. Easy Cheesy.

      So yesterday I got home to the new place and was like "OH MY GOD There's no cart and no elevator and instead there are three flights of stairs."

      I have never had dark chocolate Keeblers, but I am looking them up now as they sound delicious. And I LOVE Farmer's Market cheese. Especially since at my Farmer's Market they will give you a free sample before you buy the cheese. I never do not buy the cheese after tasting it.

      Delete
  16. I'm not sure if wearing a hair net would be a deal breaker for me, but I did have a boyfriend once who I dumped because of his sartorial choices. He liked my clothes more than I did.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! Loving all of you ladies' deal breaker stories!

      Delete
  17. Entertaining as! I, for one, am incredibly excited about the Year of Lauren if it means getting more posts like this one. You're rather on the side of hilarious, lady.

    Please give more hypothetical like the one above. I feel like I'm learning about myself from reading your blog. My current inner dialogue: "WOULD it be a dealbreaker? It's really weird, but maybe it could be like fetish-y weird? Like in a sexy way? How would I feel then? Would that make it better or worse? What about when we went to a fast food restaurant and I carried the tray of food from the counter to the table? No, I don't think I'd like that... Plus putting it on/taking it off all the time would totally eff up my hair..." See? You're inspiring self-discovery. Amazing.

    Seriously, my brain is an explosion of potential avenues of opinions right now, and it's all thanks to you. Cheers lady!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why thank you. My husband would tend to disagree on the hilarious thing.

      Your inner dialogue is cracking me up right now.

      Delete
  18. Isn't the last day of work the bestest EVER! Congrats Lauren. Best advice I got when I quit was to do whatever I wanted for the first two weeks and not feel guilty about a thing. It worked out for everyone involved with the exception of my ass. Enjoy it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It SO is. I actually had a dream last night that I had to go back to work for a couple of days before I could be done for real and I seriously had a panic attack in my sleep. I'm taking the first couple of weeks pretty slowly, just cleaning my house and making sure I have food for dinner. But after that, SO MANY THINGS TO TACKLE.

      Delete
  19. Would the hairnet include just opening the fridge? In case he wants something while she's in there? Bottle water count? It's closed until he opens it....so.many.questions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the hairnet would be for anytime Vanessa is near food not in a container that her boyfriend is going to consume. So maybe no on the bottled water. Unless it is in the fridge next to an open container of strawberries or something.

      Delete
  20. Man, I wish I could quit my accounting job for something as lucrative as housewifing. It sounds awesome!

    A dealbreaker for me is fakeness. A guy I used to date had a Scottish accent, and I thought it was legit and kind of hot... until I went to his family's house and they all had normal, average Midwestern accents. And then I opened his closet looking for a jacket and it was a shrine to Sean Connery (life-size Sean Connery doll, anyone?). And I was like "OH GOD" (in horror, not delight of any sort).

    I honestly think a hairnet might be a dealbreaker for me. Unless he looked like Ryan Gosling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is pretty awesome so far. Lucrative, not so much.

      And that story, WOW. I mean, Sean Connery was pretty amazing in The Rock, but I don't want to like, be him after watching it.

      I get the Ryan Gosling thing. For me it's Justin Timberlake. Like if JT had a shrine to Sean Connery, I would probably just be like "meh, still going to marry him."

      Delete
  21. Michelle8/15/2012

    I prefer to call it "stream of consciousness" posting instead of "disjointed." Sounds like a 'thing' that way, don't you think?

    A deal-breaker for me, in every aspect of my life, is lying. Just can't deal with lying. Whether it's my own kids, or my students... can't handle it. I'd rather people just be up front. Also, the hair net would definitely not happen here.

    Congrats on the first "50s housewife experiment" post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the hair net thing would definitely be a deal breaker for me, but it's looking like I'll probably never be presented with that situation, so I will never know.

      I really hate lying too. I was a terrible liar for period of time in my life and it was just bad all around. I'm probably more truthful than necessary now to make up for it. I find it hard to judge people for lying though, because, hello, that would be me being a giant hypocrite. But I get it. Lying sucks.

      And thanks!

      Delete
  22. I have two deal breaker stories. I once dated a guy who was charming, well-educated, independent, owed his own house and treated me like a princess (a princess who's pants he was desperatly trying to get into, but a princess none the less). We were even good with the whole he's Jewish/I'm Catholic thing. He once invited me to go watch his team play roller-hockey (because it's New Mexico and we don't have ice/snow most of the time). I got there and saw him in some really short shorts with these terribly glow in the dark chicken legs and that was the end of that.
    The second guy was such a sweetie, I loved his parents, we had a wonderful fall internship at DisneyWorld and even took a cruise to the Bahamas over Thanksgiving weekend. When I returned to school, he visited from Ohio for a week. Between his Homer Simpson "D'oh!" impressions and an ear wax problem, that was the end of it. Serious ear wax problem. I first noticed it when he was sitting next to me eating ice cream and I looked over at him right at his ear. Yuck! The official killer of the relationship what when were were "making out" and a piece of ear wax actually landed in my mouth. I felt really bad after I broke up with him because apparently he came that week to ask me to marry him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The first time I read your comment that one thing I took away from it was INTERNSHIP AT DISNEY WORLD and I got really jealous. And then I read it again and the ear wax thing, OHMYGOD. That must have been horrifying!

      Delete
  23. Anxiously waiting for more posts like this now that you are a 50's Housewife with a blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your wish is my command. Just posted again! (I KNOW, crazy.)

      Delete
  24. I am dreaming of the day when I can quit my job and switch from sitting at a company's desk to sitting at my own desk at my own house. And have pies waiting for hubby when he gets home from work...

    ReplyDelete
  25. I just discovered your blog (via the bloggess) and loved it from the first post I read. You can imagine my delight when I read this post... because MY SISTER did the sleepwalking/almost peeing thing as a six year-old! So either your sister is friends with my sister (it's a weird small world sometimes) or the sleepwalking/peeing problem is more pervasive then we all thought.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
 
Site Design By Designer Blogs