I Have To Go To A Work Meeting RIGHT NOW. No Time For Titles.

I woke up with a chest cold today Blogstalkers, so forgive me if this post seems like it was written by a somewhat cranky person who is currently surrounded by cranky coworkers tired of saying the words "Bless You."

The fact that I somehow acquired this cold is actually really bumming me out.  I feel like the universe hates me.

It's all like "Oh you spent the weekend breathing fresh air and spending time with the people you love the most and eating delicious healthy homemade meals?...It seems to me like that warrants some sort of ailment."

And I am like, "Yes I was aware you thought that stupid universe, which is why, I assumed, I am covered in sunburn and mosquito bites."

But apparently that just wasn't enough.

I am not kidding about my weekend either., here is a small photo-tour.

Stop grinning at me you two.  You spent all day yesterday with me, which means you are almost definitely going to get sick soon. (I'm sorry about that in advance.)

Homemade Beet Gnocchi
Homemade Prosciutto Mozzarella Pizza


Fresh Baby Octopuses.

Crepe and Macaroons for Bastille Day

Like I didn't even misbehave myself one time this weekend.  I wore jammies and watched the innocent Disney movie Tangled.  If I knew I was going to end up on my death bed at the end of it I definitely would have at least TP'd Ryan's house or something.

Then I could have woken up today, realized I had, what at this point I'm sure can only be yellow fever, and been like "::sigh:: Karma."

But no. 

I mean, I rescued A SPIDER from certain me-stepping-on-him death this weekend.  I should have woken up to breakfast in bed and work being canceled and cupcakes and rubies raining from the heavens.

The front page of the newspaper should have said "Breaking News, Justin Timberlake Dumps Jessica Biel And Sets Off On Quest To Find Love Of His Life, Someone That Will Share His Love Of Gouda And Accompany Him To The Jungle On A Monkey-Petting Trip.  He Is Starting In Chicago.  Girls That Shave Their Legs On A Daily Basis Are Girls He Is Not Interested In Meeting."

I'm just saying, me waking up sick instead, it's totally whack.

I'm totally stomping home, taking a shot of Jack Daniels and putting on the movie Scarface after work.

But moving on.

As you can tell by the above, I did a bit of cooking this weekend.  Saturday was homemade beet and potato gnocchi with fresh beet greens and arugula and shaved parmagiano reggiano cheese.  And Sunday was fresh mozzarella and prosciutto pizza on homemade crust.  My sweet lovely Ryan was in heaven.

He was so excited about the pizza that he was loitering about the kitchen while I was cooking, which was fine...until he started scrutinizing my cooking methods.  (I would like to mention at this time that I showered JUST before I started dinner and I washed my hands again before I started dinner and I NEVER cook like this if I'm throwing a dinner party or even making Vanessa dinner or something.)

Ryan: Did you just dunk two of your fingers into the jar of tomato sauce and then lick it off?

Lauren: Erm...ummmm...yes.  I was trying to be seductive, did it not work?

Ryan: Like not even a little bit.  It worked even less than the time that you tried to do the whole 'Bend And Snap' thing in front of me and fell forward and hit your face on the ground.

Lauren: I must have done it wrong then.  But you know what they say, If At First You Don't Succeed And Crap.  Dunks fingers in sauce again.

Ryan: I don't know what detail you think, about this vision of you, covered in sauce, wearing only one sock and the glasses the dog chewed on is going to be seductive to me.

Lauren: These are my cooking glasses RYAN.  They can't get more ruined.  I don't even care if they fall into a pot of soup while I'm leaning over it stirring.

Ryan: I swear to god if I ever find out you've served me soup with glasses floating in it I'm going to...

Lauren: (interrupting) You're going to what? Stop letting me cook you dinner every single night?

Ryan: (Opens and closes mouth like a dumb fish a couple of times and then leaves the kitchen.)

Lauren: (mutters) Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish, as my Grandmother would say.  (Gets on with making the pizza.)

Ryan: (Five minutes later, has wandered back into kitchen without Lauren noticing.)  Are you seriously taking a bite out of like every slice of mozzarella cheese you cut.

Lauren: I think you need to start wearing bells around your neck like the dogs.  I can't have you surprising me like this all the time.  And yes, as you have so astutely noticed, I am taking a bite out of every slice of cheese, but it is not for the reason you imagine.

Ryan: That if there is cheese in the room it is almost impossible for you not to throw your mouth at it?

Lauren:  Correct, it is not for that reason.  I am checking for POISON.  I am taking an active role in managing your health and welfare.

Ryan: First, this is not the middle ages.  Second, if you take such an active role in managing my health and welfare then how do you explain what happened this morning.

Lauren: You'll have to refresh my memory.

Ryan: You clipped an effing clothespin on my ear lobe while I was sleeping!

Lauren: That was an experiment! I wanted to see if it would make you dream about lobsters!

Ryan: I don't know why I ever try to reason with you.

Lauren: I don't know why either, you always lose.

Ryan: (Goes upstairs to play video games, various shouts and whoops ensue.)

Lauren: Pizza is ready!

Ryan: (coming downstairs) I just saved the Vice President's life.  I would make an excellent Secret Service agent in real life.

Lauren: (looks pointedly at Ryan's bare chest) Even I will admit that you are unrivaled at being under-covered.

Ryan: I left my shirt upstairs.  I was trying to be seductive, did it not work?

So that, Blogstalkers was my Sunday.

And this "cough sneeze hack cough bang head on desk" is my Monday.

Le Sigh

How were all y'all's weekends? (OJ, stop rubbing off on me THIS INSTANT.)

P.S. I'm totally blaming the clothespin/lobster incident on Heather from Like A Cup Of Tea, because she has been tweeting me "threatening" to come visit and bring a tub of Maine Lobsters for like three days.

Leave me a comment please? I have Dengue Fever and my doctor said, when I called her just now, that comments are the only medicine.



  1. Best. Conversation. Ever. If my married life doesn't sound like this on a daily basis, I have failed at finding a good partner for myself.

    1. I pretty much love my married life. Definitely picked the right boy. Although when we started dating I was only 17 and was very shy and quiet around him. That's why he fell in love with me. Because I wasn't mouthy. Funny how things change.

  2. I took my 12 yo son camping. At a junk shop, he found a squarish stuffed sheep that was an advertisement for Woolrich. His name is now Maurice The Diminutive Short Necked Stalker Llama. He keeps showing up in creepy places, staring at you. It is, as my son says, epic.

    Feel better!

    1. Well that's just the best name for a sheep that I have ever heard. Now I really need to find a creepy stuffed animal to place about the house to scare Ryan.

      My to-do list is never-ending.

      (Note to self, add Re-watch The Never-Ending Story to to-do list, that movie is awesome.)

  3. LOVED this! I've been stuck working all week, (including Saturday which was our only sunny day in weeks) instead of swimming with my BFF! I really needed to laugh. now i'm really jealous of you and Ryan's awesome conversations!

    1. Haha, whenever I show Ryan comments like this that say "I'm jealous of your conversations" or something he's always just like "Tell them to come here and have them with you then."

      And I feel your pain with the working through the weekends thing. Been there, done that. Not fun.

    2. whatever, Ryan knows he lives for your random conversations and he's only trying to scare us away from you!

  4. I was going to leave a comment but it was dirty and so I'm going to keep it to myself and keep giggling like the 15 year old boy that apparently lives inside me. (Here's a hint... it was about what you said to OJ)

    1. Ok yep, totally got it. And now I'm giggling like a 15 year old boy.

    2. Ryan's Soulmate7/16/2012

      I had to read that comment a couple times because I read it the dirty way as well. haha!

      Lauren, it actually is better to just say "How was y'alls weekend?" the 'all' before 'y'all is a little redundant.


    3. Oh HELLO "Ryan's Soulmate" or should I say "Sir Hugs-A-Lot" or any of the other ridiculous names you comment under?

      I seriously didn't even see the dirty thing until Sarah commented. It was not purposeful AT ALL, believe me.

      Also, I once got a lecture on the difference between "y'all" and "all y'all" from a girl that lives in Austin. She swore they meant different things and "all y'all" was to be used when addressing a large group of people. But that is my only reference on the subject, so I'll go ahead and assume you're right.

    4. Still giggling. And OJ, I'm from the south and just have to say that I think the difference in y'all and all y'all may be city southern vs country southern thing. So, Lauren wins.

    5. Ok, so I wasn't the only one who couldn't get past it! Teehee.
      Also for the Texas translation: "all y'all" = "all of you all" is meant to address a group of people as in "All y'all settle down now". It is redundant but we know what it means, it would be more proper to say "How was y'alls weekend".
      Hope you feel better!

    6. See that OJ? Sarah says I win. Lauren wins! OJ loses!

      Princess and the Pea - I swear I wasn't trying to make a dirty joke when I typed that! I'm so blushy that it turned out that way. And I'm feeling much better today thanks!

  5. Lauren, being sick is just the universe's way of telling you that Ryan needs to cook you dinner tonight. :] Tell him he needs to make your favorite meal (I'm assuming something with cheese? LOTS of cheese) or you will never feel better or make him another pizza again.

    On a serious note, I hope you feel better soon!

    Oh, I'm also making my boyfriend read your blog. He now wonders if this is what his life will turn into. Hehe

    1. Lauren's Favorite Meal That She Made Her Poor Beleaguered Mother Cook For Her Every Year On Her Birthday: Baked Mostaccioli with lots of cheese, potato salad and chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.

      If you're reading this Ryan, you've got some work to do. Don't blame me either, it's the UNIVERSE you should blame.


      Tell your boyfriend that he should HOPE that this is what his life will turn into. The amusement is never-ending.

      I am not positive Ryan would agree with that last statement.

  6. Amanda7/16/2012

    Hi Lauren -- feel better. Summer sicknesses are the worst. I also try and be seductive to my dear husband, alas my attempt to 'drop it like it's hot' led him to telling me that I looked like 'a dog trying to shake a piece of sh*t off its ass.' Humph. I also agree that Husband bells need to be invented stat!

    Also I try to make a sexy face, and he accuses me of looking like I am about to vomit . . . Such sweet compliments.

    The game I like to play at night is "zombie wife," just make low, guttural, freaky growling sounds. Right when they are falling asleep. Then you must whole heartedly deny that it was you. My hubby always calls these games 'pestering.' I call them LOVE. ;-)

    1. "My hubby always calls these games 'pestering.' I call them LOVE. ;-)"

      That made me laugh out loud. And then someone said "Bless You". Seriously office people? I realize I have sneezed quite a bit today, but I am pretty sure my laugh doesn't sound like someone sneezing.

  7. YUCK! I hear the Dengue Fever is really bad this time of year.

    1. It really and truly is. The worst part is that I'm so stuffy that I can't taste anything and I had a delicious goat cheese spread packed for lunch.

  8. Anonymous7/16/2012

    So funny that you used the "testing for poison" excuse, because everytime I try to sneak a bite of anything yummy off of my 7 year old (also conviently named Ryan!) son's plate and he catches me, that's what I tell him! It goes over about as well with him as it sounds like it did with your Ryan! LOL! Feel better, and that pizza looks AMAZING! Post recipe, please?

    1. In my defense it was really awesome really fresh mozzarella. It is like impossible to not take a bite of that stuff if it's just RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HANDS.

      So funny that's what you tell your Ryan too!

      As far as a recipe is concerned, I didn't much use one for pizzas. I just tend to throw them together to get rid of old ingredients. This one is basically a pound of dough (I made mine, but you can use the refrigerated store-bought stuff too)

      tomato sauce (I used low-sodium stuff because prosciutto is salty and I am hyper-sensitive to salt, or as an alternative sometimes I just buy lots of really good tomatoes and chop them up super fine and use that as a sauce, with some salt and pepper and maybe a little garlic)

      sliced fresh mozzarella

      sliced prosciutto

      about 1/4 a cup of fresh oregano leaves on top.

      I'll also throw whatever vegetables I have that are about to go bad on top of the cheese too.

      I have a pizza stone, so I use that to cook my pizzas, which means I don't have to put the dough in first, but I'm sure you could use a big cookie sheet as well.

      The prosciutto is the only thing that doesn't actually ever need to go in the over. Though usually I throw it on for the last couple of minutes to give it some crisp.

      That probably made zero sense.

  9. Lisa in Seattle7/16/2012

    Rats. I was hoping to read about how you did something socially (or at least Ryanly) unacceptable with the baby octopodes. Feel better soon! Summer colds are a thousand times worse than winter colds.

    1. Unfortunately not. We didn't even buy any of them since I really have no idea how to butcher/cook them.

      Thanks! I'm hanging in there. I'll be just fine in like two days I'm sure.

    2. I don't exactly have a recipe, I am just remembering how my Nana used to cook them. It's basically in a spicy tomato sauce with tons of garlic, onion, olive oil and a splash of lemon juice. You might have to experiment with herbs and spices but I think you should figure out a yummy combination. As for the butchering, you'll have to ask the market.
      Add some warm, crusty french or cuban bread and this meal is amazing.

    3. After reading your comment Sarah, I am now craving octopus. And that is something I thought I would never crave.

      Like seriously that sounds amazing.

    4. It really is!

  10. Mary with a long Polish last name7/16/2012

    I hope the Rx works. And I must agree that, as a cook, you MUST taste everything to ensure you are providing your guests/loved ones with quality products and a quality meal. The poison-checking is also true. Doesn't Ryan know anything about cooking?

    I hope you're feeling better soon!

    1. Thanks!

      And right? Ryan knows absolutely nothing about cooking. He also yells at me when I quickly grab a noodle out of boiling water with my bare hand to see if the noodles are done. He thinks it's dangerous, but it doesn't even hurt if you do it really quickly. Plus he's always telling me that he thinks it's possible to bake a pie without flour ending up in our bed and on the dogs and in his shoes. But it's not. It's a well known fact that if you are making a pie, flour will end up in every single place.

  11. People prepare meals, especially ones with tasty, wonderful, fresh mozzarella and don't taste as they go? Those people obviously have much more willpower than I and don't care at all about their loved ones. On another note, I need to buy some wonderful, fresh mozzarella because our tomatoes are finally ripening. And the other night my combination of tomatoes and balsamic vinegar was missing something. It is worth noting that I made this combination with the only 7 cherry tomatoes that have ripened so far and my husband seemed to think I should have asked him if he would enjoy having any of the ripe tomatoes. I had no idea what he was talking about.

    1. Mmmmm fresh mozzarella and fresh tomatoes is the best thing ever. I am obsessed with Caprese salads.

      Your comment made me giggle like crazy in the middle of the supermarket btw.

      Whenever Ryan and I go out to dinner (which is not that often) I order dessert. And Ryan always says he's too full for dessert. But then my dessert comes and he picks up his fork like he gets to share it with me. Just order your own dessert RYAN.

      Lauren doesn't share food. (Friends reference)

  12. comment.

    I hope that helped :)

    1. Oh it did. Feeling much much better.

  13. this weekend i was really stressing out and kept calling my fertility clinic (open on weekends!)to ask questions. my husband made fun of all my questions "um, my husband ate terriyaki, and then i googled asian food and sperm and ... um... well, is there a chance i will have an asian baby now?"

    this is apparently the level of ridiculous that he thought my questions were. they weren't, but it did make me laugh and lightened my mood!

    1. Ok, this made me giggle.

      Hope all the fertility stuff goes swimmingly!

  14. HAH! It's only a threat if you don't want it to happen, and I think we *both* (me and Ryan) know you're totally on board with this plan.

    1. Oh totally on board. Because it would be awesome and I love things that are awesome.

  15. Brilliant! Next time put clothespins on all of his fingers.

    1. That DOES sound like fun. I am going to have to invest in some more clothes pins. I only have the one.

  16. I love Ryan's pause after your mention maybe not cooking dinner for him every night. ; )

    Also, I'll commiserate with you a little on your cold. I don't drink, but after an evening out with friends, most of whom were drinking, I woke up the next morning having apparently caught my daughter's stomach virus she'd had earlier in the week. Everyone else I knew that had been out the night before? Perfectly fine. *sigh* that was totally wack, too.

    Hope you get to feeling better soon. The picture of you and Ryan is lovely!

  17. The flu this year is just ridiculous! Even those who had the flu shot are still getting it. Hope you feel better soon!

  18. Omigawds, that clothespin thing is BRILLIANT. So doing that. I whisper things to him while he sleeps in the hopes it sticks. Things such as, "Buy your wife Godiva chocolates." Thank gawds my hubby doesn't read your blog. (Don't feel bad, he barely reads my texts to him!) Anyway, his loss - MWAH-HAHAHAHAHA!!! Will let you know how it goes. Cheers!

    1. P.S. I whisper things to *my* husband while he sleeps, NOT yours. Or anyone else's. 'Cause that would be weird. And creeptastic. EEEW!

  19. Romesick7/17/2012

    This whole post made me laugh. A lot. But none more so than this:

    The front page of the newspaper should have said "Breaking News, Justin Timberlake Dumps Jessica Biel And Sets Off On Quest To Find Love Of His Life, Someone That Will Share His Love Of Gouda And Accompany Him To The Jungle On A Monkey-Petting Trip. He Is Starting In Chicago. Girls That Shave Their Legs On A Daily Basis Are Girls He Is Not Interested In Meeting."

  20. Sorry to hear you're sick. Sending get well vibes out into the universe and hoping they make it all the way to you.

  21. So. Not. Cool. being sick is the pits! However, your Hubby and my Hubby have similar brains. Good to know that I am not the only one who checks the cheese and sauces for poison! Not only that, I wanted to type "my Hubby" because we just got married last week. :)EEEK!

    Damn that feels good! And you guys are adorable. Feel better!

  22. Feel better, Lauren!! Instead of chastising you for sampling to mozzarella to ensure Ryan's safety, he should have given you a medal for heroism and probably should have bought you a new purse. Just saying.

  23. Merete7/17/2012

    Of course JT wouldn't want a girl who shaves her legs _every_ _single_ _day_. No intelligent, busy with living life to it's fullest (aka watch Donwton Abbey and BBCæs Sherlock) kind of gril would waste time on that. I mean, a little stubble is perfectly accetable and I bet it is more environmental friendly somehow.
    Whenever my boyfriend is sloppy with his shaving and his facial fur starts scraching my chin, I get sloppy as well (or, I pretend he is the reason behind my hairy legs and european armpits). Extremely efficient. Also, if you dont want him to do Movember, because it makes him look like child molester, start your own no-shave November. Good advices to live by.

  24. Poor Baby! You should remind Ryan more how lucky he is to have a wife who is so concerned that she would risk her LIFE by checking for POISON. Seriously. Some guys don't know how good they have it. Like how good I am to my husband by helping manage his time. He's all: "you're so bossy". That's the thanks I get for trying to help him with time management. sheesh.

  25. Hope you are feeling better! It IS kind of uncomfortable when people you work work with sneeze like five times in a row...I always say "God bless your little heart" after the first one, but then I don't know what to do with the subsequent sneezes. Keep saying it? Say nothing and feel like a jerk? Is there a solution other than not resenting people who sneeze multiple times in a row? The pictures of the food looked double delish, by the way!

  26. The clothespin-earlobe idea is ingenious. Since he obviously didn't like that idea, have you tried rubber banding his hands while he sleeps? Maybe he'd dream that he was the lobster, instead of dreaming that he was being attacked by one.

  27. Anonymous7/19/2012

    Ok so now you have joined The Bloggess on my list of blogs NOT to read during my lunch break at work! I almost choked on my tuna while trying to guffaw quietly. Thanks LAUREN now what am I supposed to do at lunchtime????
    p.s. love love love your work and hope you're feeling better soon.

  28. Not that I don't absolutely love the time my husband and I spent together, but something about me feels more... complete... knowing that we aren't the only ones who have conversations like this. I love to read them. :)


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