How Ryan(Or as he calls himself "The One That Didn't Get Away") Met (And Married) Lauren Part III - Part I

The day has finally arrived.  The start-of-the-conclusion (I actually divided this post into two separate posts because it got WAY too long) of the thrilling How Ryan Met Lauren series of posts.  I was actually all set to post this a week or so ago and then the dreadful internets ate the post.

And I was like NO.  That did NOT just happen.

But it turns out it totally did happen.

So I had to rewrite the entire thing.  Which brings us to today.

If you're new here, I suggest you start with How Ryan Met Lauren Part 1, How Ryan Met Lauren Part 2 and maybe take a quick peek at The Engagement and then if you're not too dizzy and/or horrified, come on back here.

Oh you're back?  You must be crazy.  But whatever, let's move on.

Ryan proposed March 27th, 2010.  Ryan and Lauren got married December 11th, 2010.  Let's reminisce shall we?

Lauren (that's me, for some reason I always write these posts in the third person) had always wanted a Winter wedding.  She daydreamed about soft snowflakes and twinkling holiday lights and about how all the bees would be dead because Winter is too cold for fucking bees.

Unfortunately, upon waking the morning of the wedding and running to the window of her fancy hotel suite, there was nary a snowflake in sight.  At least Lauren assumed this was true.  She couldn't positively say that it wasn't snowing because it was pretty hard to see anything through all of the rain.

Drat.

Luckily Lauren is a hard girl to flap, so she took a deep breath, gave the rain her middle finger, then apologized to the rain because she is a lady and middle fingers have absolutely no place in fancy hotel suites, and trekked downstairs to get some coffee.

A short time later the hair and makeup girls showed up and whipped Lauren into shape.  It was surprisingly painful.  Like side-burns-waxing painful.  Lauren didn't even know that was a thing.

It was the happiest day of my eyebrows' lives.

Then the photographers arrived and it was time to put on the dress.  First though, Lauren ordered the two man photographers out of the room.  Actually she said "Gino, Ben, I like both of you, and respect your talents and understand that you have seen many a bride in many a state of undress, but today is a special day, and I do not want anyone thinking rude things about my wobbly bits, so please will you remove yourselves whilst I don my bridal plumage."

And then Lauren's sister Jordan, the Main of Honor was like "Ryan is so lucky he gets to marry you."

And Lauren was like "I know. I wonder what he is doing right this second."

Later she found out that at right that second Ryan was panicking back at their condo, surrounded by groomsmen and ushers because no one knew how to tie a bow tie and he hadn't actually learned how to tie a bow tie like he had told Lauren and there was no one to tie the bow ties.

So he called the tux place and they actually had to send an associate over to our home to tie all of the dumb boys' ties.

OH! So you TIE it into a BOW?  Wow I was way off.

But back to the bride.

It took twenty minutes and three bridesmaids to get the dress on.

I am saying a little prayer in my head right now.  Oh Dear Lord, Please Let This God Damned Dress Fit.

This is a grimace, not a smile.

And all of the other bridesmaids were just standing there watching, all worried.

Vanessa is definitely thinking "I TOLD her a Quesadilla Wedding Diet wasn't a thing"

But in the end, all of Lauren was somehow smooshed into the dress.  And she was very happy.

This is when I shouted "See Vanessa! I CAN eat a quesadilla for every meal for a week and still fit into my dress!  You were wrong to doubt me and wrong to try to take away all of my quesadilla-making ingredients."

With Lauren and Ryan both finally dressed, it was time to take some pictures.  First Lauren got to take Glamour shots.

This is looks like glamour, but really it is me not being able to breathe or sit on a chair like a regular person.

This looks like glamour but really it is me being like "Oh look, my shoulder is sweating."

They should really let you wear your dress around for like two days before buying it.  Because those things can be HEAVY and HOT and underneath her dress Lauren was like, covered in sweat.

Soon Ryan and company arrived at the hotel and it was time for Ryan and Lauren to do their "Reveal."  The moment they saw each other for the first time.

Why is her back so sweaty?

At this point I got nervous and as I turned around I said "It's Me!" and Ryan was all "I kind of thought it would be."

He was glad it was me.

At this point I was thinking "After today, no one can think I'm a slut if I get pregnant."

After the Reveal, it was on to group pictures.  Unfortunately, it was still raining cats and dogs and bats and frogs and gnats and hogs and rats and logs.

And since all of the bridesmaids were newly beautified, it was decided that the original plan of getting pictures of everyone out and about in Chicago would need to be changed.  So they took some pictures inside and some pictures outside, (but still under the hotel's awning) and then released everyone to the party bus.

Stop looking so happy OJ, it's not YOUR wedding day.  It's MINE.  I mean, mine and Ryan's.

I was adamant that my bridal party be made up of an equal number of blondes and brunettes.  And no redheads.  Because I don't have any redheaded friends, not because I've got animosity toward gingers.  I would seriously marry Ron Weasley if he was a real person.  And then we would have magical little redheaded babies and I would be like "Ronaldina and Ron Jr, please use your wands to conjure mommy up some mozzarella sticks."

Rain Rain, Go Away, Come Again Any Other Fucking Day.

We released everyone to the bus except OJ that is.

Because of the rain, OJ was in charge of being my Man of Honor.  Which meant that he had to keep me dry and my dress dry and my wrap dry while he and Ryan and I traipsed about the city.

When my photographer took this picture of OJ wearing my wrap and putting on his I-am-suave-and-debonair face, other random people started taking pictures of him on their phones and stuff too.  We're pretty sure they thought he was some sort of Indian Prince or something.

He's VERY handsome and loves the Batman movies and lies about his height.

When we first got engaged, I wanted to get married at the Harold Washington Library, which is gorgeous.  But Ryan said no because he thought I'd "sneak away and read books."

And then the photographer was like "Look Drunk!" and we totally pulled it off. (I swear I didn't have a drink until 11pm when the photographers left.)

A picture of us walking around in the rain with umbrellas.

Another picture of us walking around in the rain with umbrellas.

At one point, when OJ and Ryan and I were walking down the street, in the rain, with umbrellas, a woman with a young girl was like "Honey look at the bride! Isn't she pretty?" and then the little girl was like "Mommy why does she has two hubsbands?" and I was like, yep, sounds about right.

Last time OJ was visiting, I went to bed by myself while the boys stayed up talking.  When I woke up there was a Lauren, a Ryan AND an OJ in my bed.  And OJ was in the middle.

At one point we did totally break into another hotel's ballroom to try to get some more group shots.  And there was a piano there, so of course Ryan had to show off.  And then we got escorted out of the ball room by security.

I look pregnant in this picture.  Sadly I was not actually pregnant.  

Yoouuuu My, Brown-Eyed Girl.

Then picture time was over and everyone headed over to the venue to watch Lauren and Ryan say I Do.

Another picture of people walking around in the rain with umbrellas.

Everyone crossed their fingers that Ryan would be better at tying the knot than he had been at tying the bow ties.

Although OJ volunteered to step in if once again, Ryan couldn't perform.

That's not even a ring OJ, that's a fucking cookie in a box.

Luckily Ryan did just fine.  Though if he doesn't start letting me have babies STAT, I may have to take OJ up on the offer of "little brown babies" he made me on my birthday this year.

So that's all for now, I'll get to the ceremony and the reception on Monday!  But I'll leave you with some more gratuitous wedding photos.  Because this is my blog and I can do whatever I want on it.

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