UPDATED: Hay I Just Met You, And This Is Neigh-zy, But Here's My Rear End, Purchase It Maybe?

Good Day to You, Blogstalkers.

First, if you're coming here from The Bloggess, then welcome!  Second, if you're not coming here from The Bloggess, then Hi Mom!

So yeah, you're probably here because you saw Jenny's post about how I sponsored half of her beloved Pony Danza.  The ass-half, let's make that clear right now.  Because ever since a petting zoo pony tried to eat my braid when I was little, the teeth-ends of those things scare the crap out of me.

Yes.  I much prefer the crap-end.

My money has gone to good use today.

Like seriously, THIS is why I suffer through the everyday mundane of the accounting world.  So that when an opportunity like this arises, I can jump at it, I can use the money I've earned depreciating office furniture and pretending to reconcile bank statements while actually secretly watching Downton Abbey on my iPad, toward something that, let's face it, is bigger than me, something IMPORTANT.

Via Top Hat Taxidermy.

Cue Kelly Clarkson's "A Moment Like This."
 

So, as you can tell, it's been a good day.  A very very good day.  Such a good day in fact that I decided I needed something to commemorate it.  And since Ryan said I couldn't print and frame the photo of Pony Danza's better half, to hang on the wall by our bed, I decided instead to purchase this:



Seller: kadaland ( 685 )

Item Title
Price
Shipping Price

Qty
Item Total
Brown Standing Horse Realistic Taxidermy Replica Figurine Furry Animal Racing ( 130670233775 )
Paid on Jul-17-12
$21.99 Free
1
$21.99
USPS First Class Package
Estimated delivery: July 21, 2012
 



Subtotal $21.99




Total $21.99

A very miniature (like 21") version of Pony Danza made (in a humane manner, I checked) of goat's hide over a molded form.

He is going to live on my desk during the moments he is not trotting off to terrorize Ryan.

Now he just needs a name.

Tiny Danza maybe?  Any other ideas?

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go.  I am a very busy accountant and my lunch break is over and I have to go research possible ways to write-off pony butts on my next year's tax return.

But if you've got some time to kill, check out my Popular Posts on the sidebar.  My husband especially enjoys the stories of all the times he tried to ruin Christmas.

UPDATED

Tiny Danza is heeeerrrrreee!!

He was left on my doorstep today.  I got home from work and saw the package and scooped it up and hugged it to my chest and whispered "You're home little one."  And then I swear I heard a sweet little horse-voice from inside the box whinny "Hold Me Closer, I'm Tiny Danza."  So I did.

And then I went inside and ran up four fucking flights of stairs only pausing for breath three times.

The next house I get is totally going to be a ranch.  OHMYGOSH and then I will have real horses.  And Ryan and I can race them down to the crick on Sunday afternoons and I will win because Ryan is crap at riding horses.

Hi I'm Ryan.  Do you like my hat and backpack?  They match.
OH! And we could make homemade pickles so I would never again have to endure the horror that was The Great Pickle Shortage of February 22nd, 2004, when Jewel was out of my brand of pickles and Ryan wouldn't drive to another Jewel because it was "like twenty miles away and and it's snowing."

There are SO many reasons to move to a ranch.

I am letting the plot get away from me here...

So anyway, I ran up ALL the stairs to find Ryan (who had totally gotten home before me and left Tiny Danza to fend for himself in the wilds of our front step because "I'm never touching that thing or the box it came in.  Plus it's not like it was going to like, canter away into the sunset.")

And I ripped open the box and pulled my horse out and hopped around in tiny circles and Ryan sighed and went back to his 3-D movie about sharks.

And then I made Tiny Danza kiss Ryan right on the mouth.  And Ryan let out a high-pitched lady sound.

And then I felt sort of bad, because Ryan had been wearing 3-D glasses when I launched the kiss attack, so he probably for a second thought a giant horse was going to eat his head or something.

That's how those 3-D glasses work right?

So I apologized like the meek, rule-following wife that I am and went downstairs to do a Tiny Danza photoshoot.

Such gleamy haunches!  Such shiny flanks!

Such a flowing mane! Such strong withers!  Such masculine fetlocks!
He also looks a little perpetually pissed, which just thrills me to no end.  Because he and I are going to be participating in countless capers together in the coming days and I'd feel bad hanging an innocent looking horse from the ceiling right in front of Ryan's face while he's sleeping, just before I neigh loudly into his ear.

Oh and if any of you are wondering just how big Tiny Danza is, here is your answer.

Here is Tiny Danza next to a small dog, for scale purposes.  This picture was taken right before one of them tried to eat the other.  Bad Tiny Danza!

Now I must go.  I have a lot of things to do this Friday night.  You know, escapades, gambols, high jinks, monkeyshines, revels, tomfooleries, and the like.

Have a Great Weekend Blogstalkers!



79 comments:

  1. Love. Every bit of this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tiny Danza is the best name ever!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm so excited to meet him. The waiting is excruciating.

      Delete
  3. Pony Muccelli? Then you can chase Ryan with him yelling "Who's the Boss?"

    I <3 that you bought half a pony with The Bloggess.... Victor is so adding you to his "People who help my wife do bad things" list.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Corbaewench. that is an AWESOME name, and I can just picture that scenario happening! hahaha *rolls on floor dying of laughter*

      Delete
    2. Ha!

      Or even "Who's the Hoss?!"

      And Ryan is adding Jenny to HIS list of "People who help my wife do bad things"

      Delete
  4. Colt Seavers. But yes, Tiny Danza works well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like bounty hunter/stuntman/bad guy chaser Colt Seavers?

      Definitely a possibility.

      Then I could make him bounty hunt Ryan while Ryan is sleeping.

      Delete
  5. I'll admit I came over from the Blogess link, but I'm so glad I did! Looking forward to back reading your posts and hearing from you in the future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome! So glad you're glad.

      Delete
  6. Hold me closer, Tiny Danza.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I KNOW! It's been stuck in my head all day.

      Delete
  7. I came over from the Blogess too and I've totally been stalking your posts. And I have to say it... I kind of love you and you're already my friend in my head.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello new friend. It's very nice to meet you sort of. What are you doing August 25th? Because Ryan and I are having a housewarming party that evening and he's been all sort of braggy that he has more friends on the guest list.

      I really need more friends.

      Delete
  8. I like Tiny Danza. Makes me think of that friends episode when Phoebe thought the song was about Tony Danza.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108778/quotes

      Sometimes I forget how funny Friends really was.

      Delete
  9. Congratulations on your purchases! They both seem like super investments. Glad to have found your blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you found it too!

      Delete
  10. Yeah, I'm here from The Bloggess but I added you to my Google Reader because I don't already have enough time wasters. Go, you! (I am also an accountant. Coincidence? I think not.)

    But I am wondering: how exactly was the goat hide ethically obtained? Maybe the goat died of old age after a long and happy and fulfilled life of eating old tires and tin cans?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Accountants unite! Or something.

      I wish I could answer that question, but all I was told was that the hides used in the creation of the tiny horses were acquired from in an ethical and humane manner.

      Maybe I'll get some sort of certificate with the tiny horse?

      Crap, now I'm going to be really disappointed if I do not get a certificate of authenticity for Tiny Danza....

      Delete
    2. Maybe "ethical and humane" means they didn't skin him alive. Which is good...I'm just sayin....

      Delete
    3. Yeah I'm really not sure what it means, but I'm almost positive that no goats are being skinned just to make these tiny little horses.

      Delete
  11. I know I've popped over to your blog a couple of times from the Bloggess before during the down times of kicking kids out of college (more fun that depreciating office furniture) but I don't think I've commented. Congrats on the purchase of your back half (not to be confused with your better half) and your goat/pony hybrid.

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    Replies
    1. Why thank you. I feel like I've had quite a successful day as far as purchasing dead animal parts goes.

      Delete
  12. Hi Lauren, I'm over from the Bloggess "Pony Danza" post, HAHA.

    I've read a few of your posts and they are hilarious. Definitely following you now! :)

    I hope that you have as much fun with your Goapony as you think you'll have. I would highly suggest to check out some "naughty elf on the shelf" searches on pinterest and ya know, well Tiny Danza isn't really "the elf on the shelf" but he could pretend to be. I think there would definitely be some funny moments of posing him for Ryan to find. LOL

    ~Melisa Marie

    P.S. I REALLY like "Corbaewench" comment above, hilarious name and great idea! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Melisa Marie! I think you just friended me on FB too? Which is awesome because I'm on a crusade to have more FB friends than my husband. It's starting to get close.

      And great idea about the elf on the shelf thing. Ryan will NEVER know where Tiny Danza is going to be when he wakes up each morning.

      Delete
    2. Yep, that was me who friended you on FB! I hope the race is getting closer and that you win. I mean, now, with you riding Tiny Danza, hopefully that gives you a bit of a galloping edge. haha!

      The elf on the shelf thing is GENIUS and I would just LOVE to see some pics of Tiny Danza doing some naughty surprises for Ryan... how about him leaving some horse pucks in Ryan's slippers (note: you can use chocolate covered raisins, or peanuts, whichever Ryan would prefer to eat!) LMAO oh my head is just swirling with ideas!!!! :D

      Have fun with Tiny Danza!
      I totally just wrote TD. but that made me think of "std" so I decided to completely write out Tiny Danza. haha

      Delete
  13. Tiny Danza!!! That is the best. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm so excited to get him.

      Delete
  14. Holly J7/17/2012

    I think instead of a tiny unicorn horn you should give YOUR pony tiny tentacles...just sayin'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes...now where to find tiny tentacles....

      Delete
    2. Holly J7/18/2012

      I will sculpt you some. I have to use my art degree for something right? ;)

      Delete
    3. Haha that would be amazing!

      Delete
  15. OMG!!!! You own a dead pony with the Bloggess!!!! I'm pretty sure it doesn't get any better than that! Now... if we could somehow make a tiny OJ jockey for the dead pony... Make that happen! I know, I know, the Bloggess wants a monkey for the pony but when the pony is visiting your house it could have an OJ jockey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It really doesn't get much better than this!

      I like the idea of an OJ jockey. Maybe I'll just have a really really tiny OJ for my new little Tiny Danza? Ryan will be so happy to have even a little OJ around all the time.

      Delete
  16. Anonymous7/17/2012

    I did just come over from The Bloggess!! How did you know? ;-) I have spent half my evening reading back through your posts, laughing a lot, then having to read them to my husband and the other half messaging my friends and telling them to come and read your blog :) I love it!!! ~Katy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Katy Thank You! That is like the nicest comment ever. So glad you made your way over here.

      Delete
    2. Aw :) I've never had the nicest comment ever before! I spent most of today yawning my way thru work from staying up late reading your posts :) I really loved the one where everyone commented their accident stories, and the mouse battery changing one makes me laugh every time I read it!!

      Delete
  17. I too have followed the Bloggess link and may or may not have just spent the past two hours reading your blog at work, it's fantastic! (Although, if my boss asks I've been"researching") Can't wait to read more! Amanda

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I spend so many hours "researching" at work.

      So glad you've found your way over here!

      Delete
  18. The Bloggess sent me! ;0)

    Tiny Danza. LOL! Love it!

    Cool blog too! :0)

    Note to self: I do "!" a little more than I should. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! I always write my blog posts then make myself go back and take out one half of the "!" so I am right there with you.

      So glad you like the blog!

      !!!!!

      Delete
  19. I can totally make you a stone plaque of the butt end of that pony. Or a very fancy looking aluminum wall art piece. ;) Just let me know how much you want to annoy Ryan. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes to everything. I am going to start a new trend. The opposite of putting animals' heads on a plaque.

      Delete
  20. And I will die if you don't name him Tiny Danza. And I thin k you owe me for getting "Cotton candy, sweet and low, let me see that tootsie roll" alternated with "Tubthumping" stuck on eternal repeat in my head for a WEEK!! I wanted to gouge out my brain! It wouldn't stop, not when I did laundry, not when I was eating, or driving, or at the dentist or listening to heavy metal turned up loud enough to piss off my neighbors.... That "Tootsie Roll" reference was low Lauren, really! Hahahaah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha!

      I know! They've both been in my head too...I'm so sorry. And now I've been randomly singing snippets of both songs so often that Ryan has gotten them stuck in his head as well.

      It's horrid really. I'm so mad at myself.

      Delete
  21. I came from the bloggess. I have been reading your past posts and have been cracking up. Great blog!

    ReplyDelete
  22. So, basically what I'm seeing here is that all you really have to do to become super popular is to buy a horse's ass for the Bloggess?? I am making a note of this now, so that if the opportunity ever arises in the future, I will be all over it!

    Tiny Danza is a winner. I love it. It is SURE to annoy the crap out of Ryan. Well played, Lauren! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was such a spur of the moment decision, but I'm so glad I did it. I love my pony-vertisement.

      And yes, Ryan woke me up this morning and was like "Just wanted to let you know that I just got an email saying that your stupid little horse shipped last night."

      So, it seems like he's not as excited as I am.

      Delete
  23. Maybe you'll have to report it as a fringe benefit? Seems to me that having a pony butt would be pretty beneficial.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I already tried that, but alas, there is no precedent of animal butts being considered fringe benefits. Now I'm trying to see if Jenny does in fact put castors on it, if I can claim it as a used vehicle.

      Delete
  24. here from the bloggess. you are funny. spectacular purchase.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I am not sure which disturbs me more - that The Bloggess has an impressive taxidermy collection or that you're starting a REPLICA of a taxidermy collection. Not right. Sooo not right.

    My vote for a name: Alyssa Ponano or Alyssa Milaneigh. But only because 'Who's the Boss?' has forever tied Tony Danza into my head as Alyssa Milano's dad.
    Possible alternate name: Pony Micelli - Pony Danza's most famous TV character.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So I love love love The Bloggess but her taxidermy stuff sometimes creeps me out (in a good way if that's possible.)

      I'm pretty sure this will be the only replica taxidermied thing I ever own.

      I LOVE Pony Micelli, it's on my short list, someone else suggested it above.

      Who's The Hoss?

      Delete
  26. Anonymous7/18/2012

    I have officially read every single one of your blog posts, tell me Lauren, what am I supposed to do now? You have been my sole entertainment at work for a good week, what do I do now?!

    Although maybe its a not a bad thing, my boss was starting to wonder if I really thought lawn care was this funny...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am VERY impressed that you were able to read all of my silly blog posts in one week. I tried to reread them once and about went mad

      I'll get a new post up posthaste, so you have something to do at work.

      Delete
  27. HA! I actually discovered YOU before the Bloggess Lauren! I was a long time reader/stalker, BEFORE I started making annoying posts and embarrassing poems as comments. Consider yourself MORE popular than the Bloggess, at least to me anyway, which totally means nothing, mostly because I am pretty insignificant or boring or insignificant and boring...

    Now time for the fun part! A name for Tiny Danza. I like Tiny Danza, but we need something more original. And since I am the queen of originality or weirdness if you prefer, I have compiled a short list for you.

    Horsantha (Hors-antha)
    Samanpony (Sa-man-pony)
    Alponie Horsano (Alp-onie Hors-ano)
    Tony the Pony
    Pona Horsiean (haha after Mona from the show, she was always my favorite)

    I guess it really comes down to whether your tiny pony is a girl pony or a boy pony?
    HAHA, have Ryan so a sex check when it arrives.

    ReplyDelete
  28. You have to admire a woman who prefers the business end of a pony. I don't know why you do--but it seems clear to me that you do.

    As for names, I would suggest Anpony Hosskins. Or maybe Pony! Poni! Poné! But only if it feels good.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I love that you watch stuff on your iPad at work! I totally plan my trips down to the gym we have at work so I can watch Supernatural. Priorities! I also sneakily read on my phone with my Kindle app. Work? HA! (I also read your blog. Again, priorities!)

    ReplyDelete
  30. Anonymous7/18/2012

    I love a woman who isn't afraid to buy what she wants.(Where it is a back end of a horse or more blog readers) So here is a hit on your blog and a comment on your post for your stats. You go girl.

    ReplyDelete
  31. So this is reason number 2,626,710 that I read your blog. You are awesome. And so is your half-ass. MUAH!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I seriously love you. I totally vote for Tiny Danza.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I did it! I read every single blog post in chronological order since yesterday!! And oh, my god, you are very funny. I had many laugh out loud, make my hubby listen to this moments. I am a subscriber now!!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Aw, congratulations on Tiny Danza! May he be the start of an enormous collection that people drive for miles to see!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Everyone should have a pony...or a unicorn. (New friend via the Bloggess and Pony Danza)

    ReplyDelete
  36. How about Pony Boy? Outsiders? No? I must be WAY older than you. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  37. Hey there! You've been nominated for a Sunshine Award! Check it out: http://www.claireclopez.com/2012/07/im-shining.html

    ReplyDelete
  38. Hermine7/19/2012

    Hi! Hermine here from France. Yes, it's where the cheese comes from. Do you know we have more kinds of cheese here than days of the year in France? Yup, true story.
    Anyway, I discovered your blog a little back through the link on the side bar of the bloggess and have read all your posts I believe. Just bragging a bit here :)
    So I just wanted to warn you that I had the same miniature horse given to me for my 10th birthday and I broke it! I don't even remember how. I know I didn't play with it but somehow its tail spontaneously detached itself from the rest of its body. Totally not my fault!
    Just thought my traumatizing experience should be shared and serve as a warning!
    Au revoir!

    ReplyDelete
  39. SO. MUCH. AWESOME!!!!!!!!
    Can I buy tiny advertising on Tiny Danza? I can, like, pay a farthing to advertise a mini-tour of, um, my, uh pinky toe? (Sorry, ran out of steam at the end there.)
    Still -- TEWTALLY KEWL!!!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Tiny Danza is adorable! Makes me want to Ebay and spend my husband's money on dead animals. Because he's obviously not using it.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Anonymous7/22/2012

    Hope there was shenanigans too.

    ReplyDelete
  42. This is my new favorite blog. Muppet Babies, Duck Tails, pickles, cheese, CUPCAKE HATS?? It's all so many kinds of wonderful! I just had a binge archive reading for the past hour(s) and laughed out loud enough to get funny looks from my husband (which is nothing unusual). Now i just need to read "How Ryan Met Lauren Part 3" for life to be complete. I probably should have paced myself to enjoy it longer, but I'm not that type of person.

    P.S. Your passion for pickles is rivaled only by my passion for black olives.

    ReplyDelete
  43. No hooliganry?? I'm disappointed.

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  44. Wow i didnt know there was a name for ehat i do.... i am a blogstalker :) you are high-sterical. I now have a new blog tp follow. Thanks for the laughs.

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  45. I LOVE THIS!!!!!!

    That is all...

    ReplyDelete
  46. Completely random, but in the picture with your puppy, she totally looks like a chubby version of my puppy, and for some reason that filled me with happy. Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete

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