Fifty Shades of Lauren Rae

Hello My Blogstalkers!

First a couple of random things.  I finally joined Instagram.  Follow me at LaurenFilingJointly if you dare.  Also, if you haven't seen it, I posted an update to my post about The Bloggess/Pony Danza below.


I really really wanted to get a post up today, because, let's face it, it's about time. 

But I'm sitting here (and by here I totally do not mean my desk at work) wracking my brain and just can not come up with ANYTHING remotely entertaining, so I googled about a bit and found a list of random questions that I will now answer for you.

OHMYGOSH aren't you so excited?

Yeah, me neither.

(If you want to complete the same questions on your blog, let me know and I'll link to your post!)

1. What is your best friend's Mom's name? Anita.  And I have no idea why anyone would ever anita know this.  Oh GOD Lauren, A PUN?  This is already starting out so badly.

2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole?  So, probably because of my very pale skin, I am like covered in moles.  I have a couple of weird ones on my scalp and I had to get one on my back removed because my bra strap rubbed against it and made it bleed all the time and then random people on the street would be like "Um excuse me miss, your back is bleeding."

Also, my aunt Kathi, who used to babysit me a bunch when I was younger has a son that's like 12 years younger than me and a couple of years ago when Alex (her son) was like 14 she was all "Lauren you won't believe it, Alex has a mole on his butt in the exact spot you have a mole on your butt."  And I was like "Never tell me that again."

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?  I can honestly say I never ever had a crush on any of my teachers, but in 7th grade tons of girls had a crush on our Geography teacher.  One girl even had elaborate plans to ask him to the 7th grade dance and used to giggle with her friends about it constantly like "What do you **giggle** think he'll say **shriek**? while I sat in my chair in the corner thinking "I am almost positive he'll say no."

4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? Not that I remember...I have cried, fallen asleep and had someone sneeze all over the back of my neck though.

5. What body part do you wash first?  Head and shoulders, knees and toes (knees and toes), Head and shoulders, knees and toes (knees and toes), eyes and ears and a mouth and a nose, head and shoulders, knees and toes (knees and toes).  That's all the parts right?

6. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms? Depends.  I would like to hover all the time, but I have really really bad balance and falling on the floor or into the toilet in a public washroom seems way worse than the alternative.

7. What's the strangest talent you have? I am never going to be able to explain this.....I have really long arms and I can like...wrap them around my head and neck all weird.  It freaks people out.

8. Do you have an innie or an outtie? I have an innie of a completely normal depth.  Ryan on the other hand, has like the deepest belly button EVER.  I can fit my entire pinky in it.  Sometimes when he's not paying attention I like, stick pencils and things in there.  He does not enjoy this.

9. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? I honestly haven't eaten Pringles since like junior high when my friends and I tried to decide who would be the best kisser by who could fit an entire pringle in their mouth without breaking it.  Other good kisser tests included tying a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue and trying to unwrap a Starburst in your mouth.

  Sidenote: Anyone remember this Pringles commercial?

10. Have you ever been tied up? Ok, so yes I have been tied up.  But not for like sexual reasons.  I just had too much sugar at a birthday party once when I was younger and was being really hyper and annoying so my friends overpowered me and tied me to a fence with a jumprope and then left me there and went on with the party. 

11. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? My mom grounded me once for lying and saying I was staying at my friend Alice's house and then actually just hanging out with Ryan until the wee hours of the morning.  (We seriously were playing video games and drinking Sprite, like I'm not even kidding.)  But then my mom had to go to Florida with my sister for Cheerleading Nationals and she must have neglected to tell my dad I was grounded, and I for sure wasn't going to tell him, so it definitely didn't stick.

Yeah.  You know the Taylor Swift song that's like "She wears short skirts, I wear tee shirts.  She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers"?  That was totally my life in high school.

12. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I don't drive much, both because of living in a big city and because of how I included "chaffeur duties" in Ryan's marriage contract but when I do, I am a TERRIBLE parallel parker.  At our old place I would get to our spot in the garage and then call Ryan and tell him the car was ready to be parked and please bring me some juice, I am parched.

13. Have you ever had two dates in one night?  Unless you count all of the times I was going on a date with Ryan and then OJ came with and then when Ryan help one of my hands, OJ tried to hold the other and get us to skip off into the sunset with him, no.

Sidenote: One of the times this happened was on my wedding day.

14. How many times have you been cussed out?  I don't think ever?  I could totally be mentally blocking it out though. 

15. Which shoe do you put on first?  I really didn't know the answer to this (though I assume the right one) so I took off my shoes and tried to put them back on to figure it out, but then I was thinking too much about the whole thing, so I couldn't really trust that what was happening was natural.  So I took off my shoes again and walked a little down the hallway, so I could approach my shoes in a more normal fashion and then my boss came out of his office and saw me standing barefoot in the hall and I panicked and for some reason shouted "It's after five!"  So there's that.  Also, I still don't know what shoe I actually put on first.

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar?  I have been to two gay bars.  One in college, because it was Ryan's fraternity's pledge night and they made the pledges go on a scavenger hunt and one of the places they had to go was a gay bar.  And someone had be there to see that they had actually shown up and for some reason that task fell to Ryan.  And then again just about a year ago when one of Ryan's very good friends from college and his fiance were visiting.  Another one of Ryan's (straight) friends came with us that time and was really disappointed that no guys offered to buy him a drink.

18. Girls  This is not a question.  Just want to have fun.

19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common? Seeing as I have been dating Ryan since I was 17, I really have only had like..two love interests.  Thing they have in common: one or more of their sweatshirts/pairs of socks/tee shirts/pajama pants have been stolen by me.  What? Boy clothes are comfy.  Girl clothes are entirely too confining.

20. Did you French kiss before you were 16? Nope. Seriously, was big nerd in high school.

21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?  No.  Cow-tipping is mean.  How would you like if if you were just sleeping in your own bed and then suddenly you woke up on the floor with a couple of drunk cows hovering over you, mooing in amusement.   You would feel fucking scared right?

22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep? Ryan.  Usually in a "I really wish Ryan would stop snoring so loudly so I can fall asleep" capacity.

23. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? Sort of.  My friend Jenni in high school was dating this boy Greg who was in a band and we used to go see their shows at the local coffee house and one time they were like "This is a new song" and then it started out as a normal song about a boy named Justin until they part were they were all "He had a girlfriend, her name was Lauren, She should've been nice to him," and I was like "That is not fucking cool GREG."

24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash?  I have a better question.  Would you rather have a car run over your feet or have someone bonk you on the head with rubber mallet?  Oh neither you say?  Exactly.

25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable? My mom spent most of the 80s pregnant.  She has some maternity clothes that I question were ever in style.  Also, one time she had Twilight on her night stand.

26. What was your childhood nickname? My middle name is Rae.  My aunt Robyn called (and still calls) me Rayban.  My dad called me Yiddy Rae Rae for reasons completely unfathomable to me.  I didn't complain though because my siblings had it way way worse.  One of my sisters was Schmookie, one was Schnagel Bagel (I have NO idea) and my brother, when he was really little, depending on what was in his diaper was either Pierre Whizzy or Pepe LePoo.  Oh and sometimes my sisters Nicky and Clarke were Clicky and Nark.  They used to argue about who had to be Nark.

27. When is the last time you played the air guitar? I don't play the air guitar.  I play the air piano.  And sometimes the air violin when Ryan is being melodramatic.

28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? Peeked, no.  Walked into it on accident on my first day at a new gym, yep.  Boys scream like little girls when startled.

29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?  Again, I don't drive much, but once I did hiccup really hard and smash my head into the seat rest which in turn bounced my head forward into the steering wheel.  During my driving test.

30. Have you ever bitten your toenails? I can't believe I have to answer this question in the affirmative.  I was very little and in gymnastics and my squad was trying to see who was the most flexible....ugh.

31. How do you eat your cookie? I prefer savory snacks.  Sometimes I sing this Wiz Khalifa song but with the words changed to "Cheese and Pickles, Cheese and Pickles."

32. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? Like for fashion?  Definitely.

33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others. I turn on music and pretend like I'm filming music videos, choreographed dance moves and moody gazes out the window and all.

36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? I find it hard to count whilst imbibing alcoholic beverages.  If I had to guess though, furve.

37. Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? ::sigh:: Yes.  How else am I going to know if Ryan is lying when he blames bad smells on the dogs.  I hate this questionnaire.

38. How often do you clean out your ears? Every single ever-loving day.  And my doctor has noticed and complimented me on it.  You should be jealous of how clean my ears are.

39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? Depends on if I have time to be fancy.  When Ryan isn't shouting at me to hurry up because I have a habit of always needing to run to the bathroom as we are leaving the house, then I actually make origami cranes.

40. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie?  Huh.  I have never thought to count, isn't that surprising.

41. Do you have any strange phobias? I'm actually like terrified of balloons.  They've made me cry in the past.  I almost didn't make it through Sorority Rush in college because on the final night the sorority I was rushing had filled the room with balloons and I was pretty hysterical about it.  I assume the reason I got accepted as a pledge in the end was only because my cousin Carly was currently Sorority President.

42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Not that I recall.  I'm sure my mother will pop in and remind me.

43. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar? I was at a bar with Ryan and my friend Kim once and I got up to go to the bathroom and the heel of my shoe got stuck one of the rungs on the barstool and I completely faceplanted onto the floor of the bar.  I wasn't drunk AT ALL but it took a lot of convincing and nose-touching and STEP-BUMP STEP-BUMP-BUMPING to make the bouncer believe it.

44. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted?  Once on a girl scout trip I put a bunch of fruit salad (the kind in the syrup) in a ziploc bag and then put it in another girl's pillow case on a dare.  It turned out badly.

45. Have you ever called your love interest by an ex's name? Definitely not.

46. Have you caught a guy/girl farting while on a date? I'm married, so, you know, yes.  He can't blame it on the dogs while we are on dates.  Though once he tried to blame it on a passing dog.

47. Have you ever played naked Twister? Definitely not. 

48. Have you ever been drunk at work? Not at my current job, but in college there were some mornings that I may have still been a little drunk from the night before at my internship.

49. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? Nope.

50. Do you want to bring sexy back? What a stupid question.  Sexy is already back.  Justin Timberlake brought it.  And I was there.

Wow, so that ended up being a really long post.  I'm really impressed if you've made it this far.  I apologize for boring you to tears.


  1. This was fun! Maybe I should do this too? Hmmmmmmmmmm

  2. You crack me up.

    Given that I'm currently suffering in imminent-birth-induced-hormone-hell is a good thing.

    Or, I'm laughing because everything makes me laugh right now. And then cry. And then my amazing, patient, and wonderful boyfriend quails. And brings me tissues. And asks me to please stop crying because he's so awesome. And then I totally poke him in the eye.

    Ok, not that last part. Except that today I totally smacked him in the chest and then pulled his chest hair ALL ON ACCIDENT I SWEAR. And then laughed. And then cried. And then laughed AND cried which is, by the way, the most confusing emotion evar.

    Be Warned.

    PS. Lauren is TOTALLY ready for this, RYAN. It's time to make BABIES.

    1. I'm Laura P, by the way. I've been missing a while. You probably forgot me, especially because I totally whiffed on timing and still haven't sent you that cool thing I'm totally still going to make and totally send and it'll be totally awesome.


  3. Hee hee, you said bonk. I don't know why I think thats so funny, but I do! :-D

  4. Hey! We have something in common!!! My middle name is Rae too : )

  5. Umm thanks for forgetting that super awesome poem I wrote about you & your ovaries. Guess I'm going to have to top it. May the writing commence!

    I laughed a little too much about the biting your toenails thing... I hate to say that I know where you're coming from...

  6. I totally do the music video thing! of course mine tend to be just looking sadly out the window singing along usually to Adele.

  7. I do the music video thing too, and occassionally add myself as a character in a tv show because I'm sure the plot would go better with my "character."

  8. What sorority were you in?

  9. My sister and I could be the poster children for the Taylor swift song, but we would have to change the words a bit.

    She wears fishnets, I wear flannel shirts. She's the goth queen and I'm in the library. Doesn't really rhyme too well.

    Ah well, I would like to think that I outgrew my awkward phase and have blossomed into a non-ugly but far from beautiful butterfly. She, on the other hand,is still the goth queen, but with more tattoos now.

    FYI my husband has the most cavernous belly button EVER! I will challenge you to a Husband Bellybutton Depth Challenge! You measure Ryan's and I will measure Ken's. I stuck my tweezers in there last night for safekeeping while I ran to the restroom. He was also not amused.

  10. Great questions! Awesome-er-er answers!

  11. I agree 110% that #50 is a stupid question. JT totally brought sexy back. I can't wait to tell my son one day about how we were all wandering around, wondering what happened to sexy, looking for sexy, being really sad without sexy and then JT totally brought it back and we were all so happy again. It was glorious. And to this day, we have sexy because of his bravery and generosity. We are all so lucky.

  12. Laughed so hard, cat got scared and I bonked my head!

  13. I have not eaten Pringles since I stopped smoking pot. I have not been to a gay bar since I stopped doing ecstasy. Same goes for Naked Twister.

  14. I have been reading this blog for a while now and now force my husband to listen while I read it aloud in the car. He thinks it is way funnier than he will admit.

  15. #43 - been there. I got really dressed up for my first date (with my now-husband) and wore heels I had no business being in. I also got stuck in the rungs and faceplanted on a grate. It was made especially awesome by my friends Colin and chad who actually pointed and laughed. I didn't spill my drink though!

  16. #43 - been there. I got really dressed up for my first date (with my now-husband) and wore heels I had no business being in. I also got stuck in the rungs and faceplanted on a grate. It was made especially awesome by my friends Colin and chad who actually pointed and laughed. I didn't spill my drink though!

  17. Help Me!

    I'm stuck in a "knees and toes" loop!

  18. So many of these... yeah. I may have to copy this questionnaire- it's hilarious! Oh, the other day "Sexy Back" came on my ipod, and my husband said "really??" and I told him that yes, for some reason, I find that song quite irresistible- although I blame it on Timbaland. Well... before the first bit was over, my husband was singing along. WHAT.

  19. Ha! Does this mean that the film "The Red Balloon" counts as a horror movie?

  20. 29 made me choke on my triscut, and then for some reason I lost it on 43... and I may have gotten a little shred of cracker in my nose from snorting - and then someone walked into my office and I totally had to pretend that I was not laughing hysterically at the internet when I was supposed to be working :(

    Also, cracker in the nose is not a pleasant feeling, just sayin'

  21. You are very funny!

  22. Number 8 made me laugh and oddly curious about how deep your husband's belly button really is. Clearly you should blog about all of the different objects that do and do not fit in his cavernous button.

  23. I liked your mole story and your thoughts on cow tipping. I think you owned this survey. As for question #24, I hate it and think you are brave in refusing to answer it. I keep going back and forth. On one hand, OBVIOUSLY you'd go with clean sheets. But then you'd have dirty towels - ew. After taking a nice refreshing bath, you'd always have to wipe down with grody towels. You'd never feel clean. Such a hard question.

  24. I saved this for work today, knowing I would need it to feel better. It worked. You are so funny!!

  25. I can do the cherry stem tying husband says its how he knew I was "the one". Now, my 12 year old works on it every time she gets a cherry coke with an actual cherry in it. I am torn between being proud and mortified. :)

  26. I don't believe that anita is really your best friend's mom's name... i think you just said that to make the pun!!

    While it's probably true i don't need to know this i do feel much more fulfilled as a human by knowing.

  27. If I didn't like you so much I'd hate you for trying to steal my boyfriend Justin!

  28. I totally have a mole on the back of my head. It's huge. When I go to get my hair cut, if I don't mention it to the hair stylist, they always catch a comb on it and make it bleed.

    Also, my nickname was Stinker. Because apparently I had a very offensive odor as a small baby. Then it was shortened to Tinker, which my dad still calls me to this day.

  29. Ok glad to know I'm not the only person out there with a head mole.The girl that does my hair looks at it every time she does my hair is like oh that's so weird I've never seen anyone else who has one.EVERYTIME. Now I can say I sorta of know this girl that has it but we've never met, but she has one so I'm not frickin weird ok?! (I mean I know I'm weird, but sitting in a salon chair having a really pretty girl tell you are weird is not cool,yo.)

  30. So you've really been that close to JT?
    That's my takeaway. Sorry I'm not sorry.

  31. I'm glad to find I'm one of many who took the time to read and laugh my way thru your meme - and I didn't just do it cause I'm laid up all injured and stuff. Seriously assume!!

  32. Hey! You inspired me to post on my blog for the first time in MONTHS! Well, that, and I have a paper due. So the procrastination factored in strongly as well....

  33. Never going to get Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes out of my head ...

    I was considering posting this, but there were several answers I'd be mortified to give, even if I tried to make them funny! I'll have to decide on that one. Plus, my Mom reads my blog and she doesn't really need to know what I found in her bedroom growing up. Of course, Maybe that will be my answer.

  34. Laugh hard reading some of your answers! And then was inspired to do it too; I'm a sucker for stuff like this, oye!

  35. What happened to #16?


    Totally stole this. But in two parts... because I got bored.


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