Ryan Says A Romantic Blogiversary Dinner Is Not A Thing. He Is Always Raining On My Parades.

Wednesday marks exactly one year since I started this here blog.

So welcome to Blogiversary Week Blogstalkers!!

I've been wracking my brains for something special and awesome to do this week and have just decided that I am going to post EVERY SINGLE DAY from today until Friday.  If this actually occurs I figure it will be the most unbelievable way to celebrate the anniversary.

Now away we go!

My lovely friend Julie  finally got back from her honeymoon last week and she and her new husband Caleb had all of their friends over for dinner Friday to celebrate them not having to loll about the beaches of French Polynesia drinking pina coladas any longer.

Over BBQ ribs and cornbread, potato salad and apple pie, we all got to discussing an article that was given to the happy couple in jest (I hope) in one of their wedding cards.

I now present to you tips on how to be a good wife from Housekeeping Monthly May, 1955.

Ryan darling, as you are the one currently staying home whilst I labor away at a job where I have to hear stories about how my boss found a band-aid in his egg roll this weekend, please take the following tips into serious consideration.

Have dinner ready.  Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return.  This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.  Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the the warm welcome needed.

So I actually do the making dinner thing nightly.  Because I like to cook.  And because Ryan doesn't appreciate the beauty of having a can of mushrooms, two slices of cheese and four pickle halves for dinner.  I know, I can't believe I married him either.

Prepare yourself.  Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking.  He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Ryan please up the limit on our credit card as I need to purchase some ribbons.  Ribbons are very expensive.  They cost the exact same amount as a pair of pink Marc Jacobs sunglasses that totally match my purse.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.  His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Actually I think Ryan really enjoys his boring days.  And I'm sure he thinks I'm quite interesting enough thank you very much.  He would probably rather I be less interesting so he wouldn't have to spend so much time staring at me with his mouth open in unabashed amazement.  Then he would have more time to play his new favorite game.  He calls it Bowling For Puppies.  It involves him taking a ball (a squishy one I promise) and rolling it at our dogs and then laughing hysterically when they jump out of the way.

I suppose I could be a little more gay though.  Note to self: Set a date for Vanessa to come over and make out with me a bit.

Clear away the clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

This sounds very dangerous.  The main part of my house has four flights of stairs.  In the two months we've been at this house I have fallen down said stairs four times (literally...ask Vanessa to show you the picture I sent her of the bruise on my butt...OMG just realized that counts toward being a little gay!!)

Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

First, I do not have any children, please refrain in future from rubbing that in Housekeeping Monthly.  Second, what is a dustcloth?

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.  Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.  After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Unfortunately my friends and I are no longer allowed by Ryan to touch fire since the time at the bar when my friend Oma's hair accidentally got lit on fire by a candle and Vanessa and I started screaming and smacking Oma in the head repeatedly and other patrons at the bar thought it was a cat fight.

Prepare the children.  Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.  Minimise all noise.  At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.  Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

I said REFRAIN from rubbing in the I HAVE NO CHILDREN thing.  Also, as Ryan has no set schedule and I never know when he will be getting home, I will henceforth refrain from doing laundry or vacuuming at all times.  You know, because of the noise.

Be happy to see him.

I always am.  I think Ryan needs to work on this one actually.  Because something I will be like "Darling!" and throw myself into his arms and then he will be all "you just got peanut butter on my neck."

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

See above.

Listen to him.  You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

I hardly see how him talking about his terrible plan to get a snorkel camera for me so I can "get some sweet pictures of him with a shark" the next time we go on vacation is more important than me reminding him that we need to pay the rent.

Make the evening his.  Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you.  Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

I believe "other places of entertainment" is 50's jargon for "titty bars."  Sounds very straining.  I can just imagine Ryan coming home from such an establishment and being all "Oh thank God you're wearing a top, I really need to relax right now.  I was under so much pressure to look at boobies today."

Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

It's pretty impossible to make a home peaceful and tranquil without any candles.  I should totally be allowed to play with carefully use fire again RYAN.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Does shouting "Oh thank god you're home, bring me toilet paper," count as a complaint or problem?

Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.  Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Late for dinner = fine.  Staying out all night = no, unless for very legitimate reasons.  Like being first in line to get the newest Apple product.

Make him comfortable.  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom.  Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

"Here lovey boo, I have made you a cool drink.  I am totally being a good wife right now."  

"This is coffee Lauren, it is supposed to be warm."

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.  Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

I don't offer to take off his shoes but I did try to train my dog to bring him one of his slippers.  (My dog is very small and unable to bring both.  One is better than none though right?)

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity.  Remember, he is master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.  You have no right to question him.

Honestly I think it's just fine for me to question his judgment when comes out of the bedroom wearing red shorts and an orange and blue striped top and tells me "This matches because red is a neutral color this year."

A good wife always knows her place.

I do.  Tiffany's.


That's all for today lovely Blogstalkers.  Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow.

Oh and I have a new sponsor, check them out!  They sell things like these sunglasses that I totally want.

Leave me a comment pretty please?

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