Ryan Says A Romantic Blogiversary Dinner Is Not A Thing. He Is Always Raining On My Parades.


Wednesday marks exactly one year since I started this here blog.

So welcome to Blogiversary Week Blogstalkers!!

I've been wracking my brains for something special and awesome to do this week and have just decided that I am going to post EVERY SINGLE DAY from today until Friday.  If this actually occurs I figure it will be the most unbelievable way to celebrate the anniversary.

Now away we go!

My lovely friend Julie  finally got back from her honeymoon last week and she and her new husband Caleb had all of their friends over for dinner Friday to celebrate them not having to loll about the beaches of French Polynesia drinking pina coladas any longer.

Over BBQ ribs and cornbread, potato salad and apple pie, we all got to discussing an article that was given to the happy couple in jest (I hope) in one of their wedding cards.



I now present to you tips on how to be a good wife from Housekeeping Monthly May, 1955.

Ryan darling, as you are the one currently staying home whilst I labor away at a job where I have to hear stories about how my boss found a band-aid in his egg roll this weekend, please take the following tips into serious consideration.

Have dinner ready.  Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return.  This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.  Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the the warm welcome needed.

So I actually do the making dinner thing nightly.  Because I like to cook.  And because Ryan doesn't appreciate the beauty of having a can of mushrooms, two slices of cheese and four pickle halves for dinner.  I know, I can't believe I married him either.

Prepare yourself.  Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking.  He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Ryan please up the limit on our credit card as I need to purchase some ribbons.  Ribbons are very expensive.  They cost the exact same amount as a pair of pink Marc Jacobs sunglasses that totally match my purse.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.  His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Actually I think Ryan really enjoys his boring days.  And I'm sure he thinks I'm quite interesting enough thank you very much.  He would probably rather I be less interesting so he wouldn't have to spend so much time staring at me with his mouth open in unabashed amazement.  Then he would have more time to play his new favorite game.  He calls it Bowling For Puppies.  It involves him taking a ball (a squishy one I promise) and rolling it at our dogs and then laughing hysterically when they jump out of the way.

I suppose I could be a little more gay though.  Note to self: Set a date for Vanessa to come over and make out with me a bit.

Clear away the clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

This sounds very dangerous.  The main part of my house has four flights of stairs.  In the two months we've been at this house I have fallen down said stairs four times (literally...ask Vanessa to show you the picture I sent her of the bruise on my butt...OMG just realized that counts toward being a little gay!!)

Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

First, I do not have any children, please refrain in future from rubbing that in Housekeeping Monthly.  Second, what is a dustcloth?

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.  Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.  After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Unfortunately my friends and I are no longer allowed by Ryan to touch fire since the time at the bar when my friend Oma's hair accidentally got lit on fire by a candle and Vanessa and I started screaming and smacking Oma in the head repeatedly and other patrons at the bar thought it was a cat fight.

Prepare the children.  Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.  Minimise all noise.  At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.  Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

I said REFRAIN from rubbing in the I HAVE NO CHILDREN thing.  Also, as Ryan has no set schedule and I never know when he will be getting home, I will henceforth refrain from doing laundry or vacuuming at all times.  You know, because of the noise.

Be happy to see him.

I always am.  I think Ryan needs to work on this one actually.  Because something I will be like "Darling!" and throw myself into his arms and then he will be all "you just got peanut butter on my neck."

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.


See above.

Listen to him.  You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.


I hardly see how him talking about his terrible plan to get a snorkel camera for me so I can "get some sweet pictures of him with a shark" the next time we go on vacation is more important than me reminding him that we need to pay the rent.


Make the evening his.  Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you.  Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

I believe "other places of entertainment" is 50's jargon for "titty bars."  Sounds very straining.  I can just imagine Ryan coming home from such an establishment and being all "Oh thank God you're wearing a top, I really need to relax right now.  I was under so much pressure to look at boobies today."

Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

It's pretty impossible to make a home peaceful and tranquil without any candles.  I should totally be allowed to play with carefully use fire again RYAN.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Does shouting "Oh thank god you're home, bring me toilet paper," count as a complaint or problem?

Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.  Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Late for dinner = fine.  Staying out all night = no, unless for very legitimate reasons.  Like being first in line to get the newest Apple product.

Make him comfortable.  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom.  Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

"Here lovey boo, I have made you a cool drink.  I am totally being a good wife right now."  

"This is coffee Lauren, it is supposed to be warm."

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.  Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

I don't offer to take off his shoes but I did try to train my dog to bring him one of his slippers.  (My dog is very small and unable to bring both.  One is better than none though right?)

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity.  Remember, he is master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.  You have no right to question him.

Honestly I think it's just fine for me to question his judgment when comes out of the bedroom wearing red shorts and an orange and blue striped top and tells me "This matches because red is a neutral color this year."

A good wife always knows her place.

I do.  Tiffany's.


That's all for today lovely Blogstalkers.  Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow.

Oh and I have a new sponsor, check them out!  They sell things like these sunglasses that I totally want.

Leave me a comment pretty please?

45 comments:

  1. Great post, Lauren! Looking forward to the rest of the week.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Allison!

      Now I just have to figure out what to write about for the next four days. Should be interesting.

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    2. You could totally write about how hard it is to blog every day!

      Delete
  2. I have an idea for a post.
    An UPDATED, realistic version of this list.

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    Replies
    1. Haha I wouldn't even know where to start.

      This list is so wrong that I don't know if it can be made right.

      Delete
  3. Um, is it normal that I was reading this with my mouth open half the time? This is ridiculous! But your comments made me laugh out loud.

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    Replies
    1. There were five married or engaged couples with us on Friday and all of the girls were horrified. All of the boy of course were shouting things like "Lauren! My pillows need arranging!"

      So glad I made you laugh.

      Delete
  4. Happy Blogiversary!

    Ya gotta love the 50's...they were so in touch with reality back then xD.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks!

      Haha yep, had their finger right on the pulse.

      Delete
    2. Well that whole smoking and drinking while pregnant thing probably did wonders for their offspring. I mean nothing like a toddler needing a menthol and a scotch neat.

      Delete
    3. Sarah my sister-in-law were just talking about this yesterday too!

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  5. That list actually raised my blood pressure.

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    Replies
    1. Oops sorry about that!

      Delete
  6. Rebekka6/18/2012

    Hi Lauren! I've been blogstalking you for a while now, and I love everything you write, but today's post was possibly the best I've read yet! I'm excited for this week, and can every week after that also please be Blogiversary week, because I like reading your blog MUCH more than doing my work. Also, once, in the year 2006, I went to a wedding (location will not be disclosed) in which the ceremony notes must have been a photocopy of this article. I almost fell out of my chair!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad you liked today's post and that you're excited for the week to come! I so wish I could post on a daily basis other weeks and would make a promise that I will, but I know myself that probably won't happen any time soon. At least not while I still have a real job.

      And if I was at a wedding where something like this was read, I would probably stop breathing!

      Delete
  7. Happy Blogiversary to you! I am excited you are multi-posting this week so I can drag out reading them through next week. My friends and I are taking a weekend trip to the beach to celebrate your milestone, they just don't know it yet.
    Sure our trip to exotic Port Aransas, Texas might have started out as the one weekend we all had free before 4th of July and the original plan was hang out on the beach and get polluted on coconut rum and wine and watch Magic Mike in another town where no one knew us, but now we will lift a glass or 6 in your honor throughout the weekend after I read your adventures over the last year or so to them (which should keep them off the topic of 50 Shades of Grey)
    While you will no longer be my dirty little secret, I am sure you will enjoy a few more new fans.

    H

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  8. Lisa S6/18/2012

    Happy blogiversary week! I too look forward to seeing what the rest of the week brings.

    "He" has a "very real need" to be at home, that's why we should be understanding of him going out? That makes no sense! But then again, nonsense is kind of the theme of the list.

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  9. Happy Blogiversary Lauren!

    I am happy to have met you in a virtual non-stalker kind of way. Instead of doing homework I read your blog for my daily dose of funny in order to remind myself not to take life too seriously.

    Thanks for today's post! I needed to laugh!

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  10. Happy Blogiversary! Do we get cake? I don't think it counts as an a-versary without cake and presents, RYAN.

    My grandmother used to say a successful marriage hinges on two things:
    1. Having separate bathrooms.

    2. Being able to convince your husband that your ideas are his ideas. Inevitably, your ideas will be right and his wrong. Your job is to get him to think he thought of your idea in the first place.

    My grandparents were married for almost 50 years before my grandpa died so maybe there's something to those. I know I agree with bathroom one. I have a bidet toilet seat and I don't want a husband in there playing with it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally agree with #2, however after 6 years of marriage I still haven't perfected it... my husband is too clever, they should warn you about that in Home Ec "don't marry a too clever man"

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    2. It's kind of like having smart children. I thought I could handle anything but stupid. Now I have a daughter that is off the charts smart and I think, "you know, a little stupid never really hurt anyone" because goodness knows, they'd be easier to raise. ;)

      Delete
  11. Happy Blogiversary! So excited that you will be posting all week. And I would try to stretch them out over the next couple of weeks to give myself even more to look forward to but I'm off work in the summer and won't be able to hold off on the instant gratification of reading them immediately.

    Also, I thank you for the wonderful tips! I am just now scouting around for the appropriate place to light a fire since we have no fireplace. Do you think it would be OK to build a small fire in the middle of the living room? Or perhaps in the kitchen sink would be safer?

    And I like this idea of minimizing the noise from the children. We have a two and a half year old that is currently going through a tantrum-throwing screaming for no reason stage. Do you think masking tape is best for that situation? I don't think Scotch tape will hold well enough and furnace tape seems over the top.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous6/18/2012

    "I believe "other places of entertainment" is 50's jargon for "titty bars." Sounds very straining. I can just imagine Ryan coming home from such an establishment and being all "Oh thank God you're wearing a top, I really need to relax right now. I was under so much pressure to look at boobies today."

    Baha! This literally made me laugh out loud! Happy Blogiversary!!

    -Stacy

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  13. LMAO! This was a great post!


    Btw I'm a terrible person and haven't even sat still long enough to write a post for you yet. But I'll do that tonight, because I want an excuse to do nothing more strenuous than sitting on my sofa. :)

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  14. Hilarious! Congrats! I'm sending you a bouquet of tentacles and a basket of babies. Got that, RYAN?

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  15. haha! Love this. Although, the part about putting away 'schoolbooks and toys' didn't specifically say 'Children's Toys'. Just saying. Perhaps people in the fifties were closet kinks.

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  16. Happy Blogiversary, Lauren!
    That made me laugh so much - especially the bit about your friend setting herself on fire in the bar :D I've had this discussion with my friends and it turns out that nearly all of us have set ourselves on fire at some point, usually at quite an inconvenient time...
    Looking fwd to your anniversary posts this week x

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  17. Not only have I set myself on fire, I have also set the school fire alarm off TWICE and accidentally set fire to a trash can in my garage. Hmm, maybe I'm a closet pyro. Nah, I'm an open pyro.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Happy Blogiversary! :)

    Is that article for real??? I saw it on Facebook and totally wrote it off as fake.

    Okay I just Googled it and even Snopes has it as 'Status Undetermined' and provided other examples of advice from the 50's. Dear God I would have been such a bra-burner.

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  19. Happy blog-aniversary! I'm a new reader, but love your writing and I'm so glad you're posting all week. This is not a great week for me, so knowing you're posting will be something good to look forward to!

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  20. Happy blogiversary! I think this calls for ruby (or a nice piece of cheese, at least!)

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  21. Happy blogiversary - I think we blogstaulkers should be buying you a large something right? In lieu I will stare for one full minute at an ad, wait, does it only count if I click on it? Sigh... fine...

    btw HILARIOUS, and LOVE IT, and yes, I certainly hope this as a wedding gift is a joke. However, I think most 50s wives would have murdered their husband for staying out all night. I choose to believe the world of Mad Men is an exception. (An exception I love to watch).

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  22. This reminds me of my cousin's wedding a couple of years ago, in which the PRIEST kept making comments in a "joking" manner that sound an awful lot like this list. He suggested that if my cousin came home to find his wife mad for something he did (or didn't do), to leave and come back in a few days, so she had time to calm down! It made me so mad, I almost walked out.
    Anyway, Happy blogiversary! So, if romantic dinner is out, are rubies in? :)

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  23. Happy blogiversary! I was definitely not being soothing and quiet while guffawing at this post! Love it!

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  24. Love love love this post! Except for the part about making out. I think getting risque picture messages is where I draw the line. And please next time, add a penny for scale - I did not have a full appreciation for your tumble down the stairs until I saw it in person. Also, I just talked to Oma and wish I would have read your blog earlier. Gawd, I don't think I'll ever be able to not laugh when I think about Oma's hair going up in flames. (That and when she peeled out during the bridal party entrances at your wedding.) Only she could shake that one off like nothing happened :-) If it were me, I would have instantly started crying and running out of the bar (circa tooth incident Halloween 2010).

    Happy Blogiversary from your #1 (although typically tardy) Blogstalker! If celebrations are in order for Wednesday night, let me know!!

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  25. Wow, am dumbfounded! Great responses and happy blogiversary!

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  26. I'll join the chorus of happy blogiversary!

    The one about being "a little gay" made me giggle like a junior high student. ;)

    And this one: "Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours." Hah, I would probably spontaneously combust before I managed this!


    I never would have made it in the 50s! I barely make it in Oklahoma today, which is only a few steps removed from that decade. (One of the many reasons it's good that I'm departing.).

    Looking forward to the week of posts.

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  27. "Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity."

    Men must have changed in the last 50+ years 'cause I can tell ya'll right now there are times when my judgement is, quite frankly, shite...

    Congrats on the 'versary, you keep writing them and we'll keep reading them.

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  28. Happy Blogiversary! I recently discovered you (but I forget how) and love your posts :)

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  29. This was insane. I wouldn't last two minutes in the 1950s. No complaining, what else would I talk about!?

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  30. Lauren6/19/2012

    I..I have nothing to say that wouldn't be about how evil the '50's were...

    So here's a Link to this instead!

    http://www.thinkgeek.com/interests/giftsunder20/ec3d/

    ReplyDelete
  31. Anonymous6/19/2012

    Happy Blogiversary! This was a great post!

    ReplyDelete
  32. You wrote this and made me read it while I was drinking water:

    Ryan please up the limit on our credit card as I need to purchase some ribbons. Ribbons are very expensive. They cost the exact same amount as a pair of pink Marc Jacobs sunglasses that totally match my purse.

    I had to wipe off my computer monitor before I could type this.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Where is the part where you run his bath and tuck him in bed?? That's normal in a marriage... Right? Ok, maybe that's one of the many reasons I'm still single. What a load of crap!! Laughed terribly hard Lauren, thank you. Really, sincerely thank you. Can I get you a cool drink?

    ReplyDelete
  34. Jessica W.6/22/2012

    Hello my love! Happy Blogiversary! I am sorry I didn't stumble upon this earlier this week, but I have been rather busy. . . um. . . errr. . . being a good housewife? (Don't tell my husband, but so far, my summer has consisted of sleeping in, going to the gym in the morning and then rewarding myself with lunch dates with my other teacher friends and/or lounging poolside with 1 of the 30 books I plan to read this summer. Yes, being a teacher has its perks - don't hate! It is one of the many perks that comes with a job many claim the 'could never do')

    Anywho, speaking of teaching, one of our quarters covers "Gender Roles" and in addition to reading Chopin's "Story of an Hour" and Faulkner's "A Rose for Emily," I bring in a gag-gift that my aunt gave me for my bridal shower. I hope you enjoy!

    "The Good Wife Guide: 19 Rules for Keeping a Happy Husband"
    http://www.amazon.com/The-Good-Wife-Guide-Keeping/dp/1933662859

    They also have "The Good Husband Guide: 19 Tips for Domestic Bliss," but it is not nearly as good as the 'Wife Guide'.
    http://www.amazon.com/The-Good-Husband-Guide-Domestic/dp/1604330392/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/186-3842706-1513340

    ReplyDelete

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