As Soon As Ryan Sends Me The Pictures I Requested, I Will Add Them To This Post. Right Now He's Probably Too Busy Sitting Topless On The Balcony Drinking Lemonade.



People think I'm kidding about how often he doesn't wear a shirt.  But I'm not.  He even ordered
 this tee shirt the other day in homage of the fact that he is usually bare-chested.

Like, he so often doesn't have a shirt on that he needs to explicitly point on the times he does.
But anyway....

Hey Blogstalkers!  Sorry no second post last week.  I was too busy writing a song for the old size zero dress I found with my clothes while unpacking.  It was to the tune of CeeLo Green's classic anthem "F*ck You." And sort of went like 
I see you glaring at me there with your size zero tag, And I'm like F*ck You.
Looking at your frailness is making me gag, And I'm F*ck You.
I would be thinner if I ate less for dinner.
Then maybe you would fit.
And so on and so forth.  Moving on.
Last weekend, after my friends' Julie & Caleb's gorgeous outdoor wedding ceremony, we had some time before we needed to head to the reception.
So Ryan and I, as well as my sister Jordan and her boyfriend Jake, my cousin Carly and her husband Alex and my BFF Vanessa and her boyfriend Ted went to a bar.
This was our conversation.
Lauren: I can not believe I just ripped the slit on the back of my dress like four inches. 
Ryan: Maybe in the future you will remember this incident and not climb out of cabs in such an unappealing manner.  
Lauren: I was trying to exit in such a way that no one would be able to see up my dress.  Because I am a lady.  What is incredibly unfortunate is that now, given the new length of my dress slit, everyone at the wedding is going to think I am a tramp.
Ryan: You are definitely not a tramp.
Lauren: I feel like somehow that is not a compliment.  
Vanessa: We are ordering an appetizer, chicken satay, does anyone else want anything?
Lauren: Slap some edamame on that order.
Jordan: Nothing you say is normal.  Jake wants chili.
Carly: Lauren I was just explaining your theory that super-speed trumps all  super hero powers to Alex.  He says it doesn't trump mind control
Lauren: You couldn't control my mind if you couldn't catch me ALEX.
Alex: I don't have to catch you to control your mind.
 Lauren: Well I assume you'd have to at least find me?  And I wouldn't let you  I'd just zoom around in random circles so fast that you'd have absolutely no idea where I was.  So you would not be able to exercise your lame mind control.  Also, In this situation I sort of have a feeling that Carly would actually be the one with the mind control and she would just be mind controlling you into thinking you had it.
Carly: Oh my gosh that would be amazing!  Like I'd know that he was trying to mind control me into getting him a sandwich and instead I'd bring him a bucket of snails.
Lauren: Haha yes and he'd be like "Huh my mind control is slightly off today"
Alex: A bucket of snails?  Where would you even get that?
Lauren: She keeps a bucket of snails in your linen closet.  You did not know?
Carly: Haha yeah.  Right next to my crate of empty nail polish bottles.
Alex: This conversation has gotten entirely too insane for me.  I'm out.
Lauren: Well then I win the argument twice.  Once because of forfeiture and once because I totally won it anyway.  But honestly, it doesn't matter.  I've recently changed my super power.
Vanessa: To what?
Ryan: (in high pitched voice) I want to be able to sneeze diamonds.
Lauren: Was that supposed to be me?  Because it was not a wholly accurate portrayal.  And no Ryan, that is ridiculous.  **Thinking, "Although, that would be awesome."** **Secretly changes super power to the sneezing diamonds thing.**
Ryan: What then?
Lauren: Mind control.  I've realized it would give me the power to make you agree to babies.
Ted: The appetizers are here.  Enjoy your beans suckers, (brandishes satay) I've got meat on a stick!
 Jake: Dinner and a show.  What a lovely afternoon.
Lauren: Ted, is your real name Theodore? 
Ted: Yep, why?
Lauren: I'm just thinking that if people at this wedding are standing there all judgy thinking I am a total slutface because of my torn dress, I can just shout "Theodore, be a dear, bring me an iced beverage," in a posh British accent.  And then they'll know that really I am quite proper and write the dress off as being a European thing.
Ryan: That might work if everyone at the ceremony did not just hear you read that ridiculous poem in a grating Chicago accent.
Lauren: Crap.  Back to the drawing board.  Does anyone have a stapler?
Jordan:  Lauren, let me see it.  It's honestly not even that bad.  You can just see a little more of your very pale legs.  And your incredibly huge bruise...what the heck happened?
Lauren: Unicycle accident.
Ryan: She fell down the stairs last night because she thought she saw a "giant tick" on the wall and it scared her.
Lauren: There seriously was something.  It probably had wings and flew away before you could see it.
Ryan: That's what my super hero power would be.  Flying.
Lauren: Are you serious!?  That sounds terrible.  I'm changing my super hero power again to having the ability to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground at all times.
Ted: That's like the worst super hero power I've ever heard.
Ryan: She's terrified of heights.  She has dreams where she's a bird and they make her cry.
Lauren: I have serious height-induced vertigo.  I won't go out on our balcony.  I don't even like it when other people are on balconies.  
Ryan: She freaks out if I let the dogs out on the balcony.  It's crazy.  It's not like they're going to just take a flying leap over the top one day.
Lauren: I'm just of the better safe than sorry camp.  Like what if a particularly delicious looking bug flew by?
 Ryan: **makes crazy circles around his head**
Lauren: Whatever, just don't let them out there anymore.  And change your super hero power to super speed.  Running really really fast is just as good as flying.
And then we probably talked about normal things.  I don't remember.
What would your superhero power be Blogstalkers?
 Oh and check out This Hatemail Blog today.  Some mean comments I got on an old post recently are being featured.

49 comments:

  1. Size 0? You were a size 0? Yeah, I'd be singing that to the dress as well. But at least you can SAY you were once a size 0! The smallest I have is a really roomy lying 8. And I ain't nowhere near that right now!

    Super power, huh? That's a tough one. I think I'd want power over time. That way if I do something really stupid, I could just turn back the clock and fix it. Or, if I was sitting in an endlessly boring meeting I could speed that sucker up and BAM, meeting over.

    By the way, there's something for you on my blog. You don't have to thank me . . . I'm a giver like that. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So I don't think I was ever officially a size 0. They just didn't have the dress in a 2 or a 4 and I loved it, so I squeezed myself into a smaller size. But I was pretty tiny. But it was bad. I starved myself a lot and spent entirely too much time at the gym.

      And yeah, I'm nowhere even close to near a 0 or a 2 or 4 right now.

      And power over time. Yep, could have used that during that one nine hour meeting I had to endure at work this year. Ugh.

      Also you are awesome and can carry me around in your pocket any time you wish. I'm working on a "Trophy Room" page, so I'll definitely mention you there. And I'll comment on your blog from home...my work computer is mean.

      Delete
  2. Hmm... it's gotta be a toss-up between Teleportation and Being Able To Eat All Of Everything And Not Have To Buy New Jeans. I'm ambivalent, and while teleportation would be AWESOME, Science might be closer to actually making B.A.T.E.A.O.E.A.N.H.T.B.N.J. happen for me (I'm looking at you, Scientists; get on it). However, if you happen to know of any X-Men style radiation sources, I'm happy to mutate toward my teleportation goals (and Sneezing Diamonds might hurt your sinuses, but it wouldn't hurt your bank account).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok I'm changing my super power again to B.A.T.E.A.O.E.A.N.H.T.B.N.J.

      Best super power ever.

      Delete
  3. My super power would be the ability to go from super dense to intagible and any point between. Then I could walk through walls like a ghost or jump out of planes and leave a huge impact crater and just stand up and dust myself off. Also, I could fist fight the Hulk and be relatively okay for a round or two.

    Yes, yes I have thought of this more than I should...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok that is really cool. I'm totally using that one tonight when Ryan and I inevitably have another super power conversation. He's going to think I got smarter somehow.

      Delete
  4. I'd wanna be like Mystique from X Men, she's that blue chick who can morph into anyone. And she's a good fighter. And she has a rockin bod. Yeah, I'd be her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd be her if she was purple. Blue and I don't get along. Because of how my skin looks blue alot since you can see my veins through it.

      Delete
  5. Ok so I came over from the Hatemail blog... but if that shirt up there is real, you so need to tell me where to get one. I think my hubby needs one too :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome! The shirt is totally real and is from bustedtees.com.

      They have a lot of pretty funny shirts. I got my husband a six month membership to their shirt of the month club for Valentine's Day. On the first of every month they send him a code to enter at checkout that makes the shirt of his choosing free. (Well not free..I just already paid for them in February.)

      Delete
  6. Anonymous6/04/2012

    OMG, what in THE HELL is wrong with these people (who left hatemail)…?
    I love that there is a place where hate mail goes to die, just as much as I love what you had to say (and not say) about it.
    Keep on keeping on! (with little hearts next to it)
    Paige

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was pretty crazy. Just mean and hateful. But whatever.

      Thanks! (with little hearts next to it)

      Delete
  7. absolutahnie6/04/2012

    how about the ability to re-carbonate things that have gone "flat?" i think that'd be awesome. or maybe the ability to zap hate-mailers into being nice?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, you'd be the Recarbonator!

      And hate-mailers definitely need a zap of some sort.

      Delete
  8. If you're super power were 'Feet Planted Firmly On The Ground' you'd probably never fall down. And the president would call you when there were earthquakes, because even though the earth was a quaking, you would not be shaking (Rhyming points!) so you could rescue all the babies and puppies and old people who were trapped and liberate the vodka before the glass bottles broke.
    Also, how do you remember conversations like this!? Are you taking notes at the restaurant or do you stuff a tape recorder in your cleavage? I've tried to record funny conversations my husband and I have and it never works.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH MY GOSH. I never thought about how I wouldn't fall down anymore. Now it's my real choice for sure.

      Also, I'm getting business cards made that say Lauren Gallagher author of Filing Jointly...Finally blog and Staunch Supporter of Vodka Liberation Movement.

      As far as remembering conversations goes, I have a tiny little purse notebook that I write down key words and phrases and ideas before I forget. My friends always know when I'm going to blog a conversation. Our conversations tend to get more ridiculous once the notebook comes out.

      Delete
  9. Its a good thing you're not a size 0 anymore. I'd have to hate you. Then I'd have to send you hate mail.

    No, I dont want to hear that you're a fat-ass who wears a size 2 (or 4!) now. Nope.
    More cushion for the pushin! Hahahahahahha

    As for super powers? Eh. I have a size 0 imagination. Mind control is tempting, though.....

    When are you posting the interview done by a reader?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was never really a size zero, I just really loved that dress and they didn't have a bigger size. So I sort of sausaged myself into it. And don't worry, I'm nowhere near that size anymore.

      And I'm posting the interview just as soon as I get it from the reader that did the interviewing! She promises me it's coming soon!

      Delete
  10. I would totally want to ability to change my appearance, like Mystique from the X-men. That would rule. I would probably turn to evil though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am actually like a hundred percent sure I'd turn to evil too. It seems like more fun. Like if I actually had mind control which would I rather do...mind control all of the Universal Donors in the world to give blood on a regular basis or mind control the family that owns Tiffanys to rain me with gemstones. Please.

      Well actually I'd probably do both. Giving blood is a very good thing to do.

      Delete
  11. I would want the ability to control the weather so that in addition to solving drought, flooding, hurricane etc. issues around the world I could also leave the house with my giant umbrella knowing that it will actually rain at some point. Hubby says I should just get a compact umbrella that fits into my handbag but they're only useful for keeping the top third of me dry and I hate having wet feed. Plus that would leave less room in my handbag for important things, like my lunch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahh wet feet are the absolute worst. I've never thought about controlling the weather, but it does seem like it would have it's perks. I pretend I control elevators all the time. By doing open/close/up/down hand motions with my arms while anywhere near them. Ryan takes the stairs a lot now for some reason.

      Delete
  12. Definitely would want to be able to teleport myself to any location. Then flying and speed would be rendered superfluous. Sorry about your dress. The same thing happened to me the other day, I almost went grocery shopping with a gaping hole right at the rear Apex of my thighs. And that area is not as rivetingly sexy as Fifty Shades of Grey makes it out to be. Thank God my six-year-old noticed before we left the house. :)
    Love you and your friends' witty banter!
    (please check out my *very new* blog - thanks)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad you like the blog! I'll check yours out this week for sure. That's so funny about the pants. My friend Kim is a teacher and her students say the most ridiculous things. One raised their hand once and said "Miss F you have a hole in your pants."

      Oh and Ryan has just changed his super power to teleportation. He never even thought of it before.

      Delete
  13. I just read the "hate" comments. Don't know why I wasted 2 minutes of my life I will never get back, the eye-rolling alone almost gave me a headache. Seriously, people need to take you - and themselves - a loooooooot less seriously! If they disagree with what they thought you actually celebrate - then fine! Don't do it! Otherwise what do they care how you and your husband celebrate? Last time I checked a marriage was exactly that - something for the two people (or three, or four, or etc. shoutout to Big Love) to figure out and unless spousal abuse is involved everyone else can shut the hell out. And with that, you have figured out my superpower - I would have the ability to make assholes shut the hell up. And by assholes I mean people who are ACTING like assholes, not actual assholes, I have no desire to be Constipation Woman.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally agree with you. I make a point in my life to sometimes take things like, not seriously at all. Seeing the humor in things is really important to me and I feel bad for people that can't do it.

      I seriously wish I had the power to make assholes shut up too. Le Sigh.

      Delete
  14. I seriously can't believe that people would write hate comments on a humor blog. I also can't believe that the didn't get the joke. Their own lives must be so boring.

    OMG... I BET THEY NEVER EVEN HAVE SHADOW PUPPET PARTIES!!!

    Now I'm just sad for them. I bet they were the same people who believed in The Rapture.

    You rock! They SUCK! Nuff said!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WHAT?! No shadow puppet parties?! That sounds like a miserable existence.

      You rock!!

      Delete
  15. I love conversations like this that just become more and more involved about a topic that many people would see as "unimportant." Obviously people who don't get it. My brother, his friend, and I once had a very, very long conversation about what we would do in the event that someone entered our town home "guns a blazin'." Don't ask me why we used that term. I have no idea. And, yes, the odds that this would ever happen were very, very small. But, we were prepared. I really should come up with a new plan now that I no longer live there. The plan was really contingent on the layout of that space. Hmmmmmm. And as for super powers? I thought for the longest time that I wanted the ability to read minds. But, then I realized that I would have to hear all the snarky things people might be thinking about me. Yuck! I think I would like the ability to just place thoughts in other people's heads. Just innocent ones. Like, in my husbands head, I would place, "Wow, I'd really love to bring my lovely wife a glass of water right now."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just want to let you know that Ryan and I totally had the "guns a blazin'" conversation after I read your comment. We now have a totally foolproof plan that involves him "assuming the noise you heard was the wind and not people with guns" and me sleeping in an astronaut suit made of bulletproof vest material every night.

      Delete
  16. I would be a healer. But, I'm slightly evil so I would also have an evil alter ego ( mustachioed for sure) who would be a ... Hurter? Someone who would make bad people ( animal abusers, kid abuser, old people abusers, the fing pedophile next door) hurt themselves in spectacular ways. Mostly involving sharks and meteorites.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I first read your comment I didn't see the word 'abusers' after 'old people' and was like, huh...she must really not like old people.

      Also, both sharks and meteorites scare the heckfire out of me.

      Delete
  17. My superhero power would be restaurant teleportation. I could teleport to any restaurant in the world and try their food. This power would also include having a reservation already on the books when I appear at the restaurant so I could always get in. Ooops. I think I'm typing this while hungry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Since I wrote this post Ryan has actually changed his super power to teleportation. And now he actually pretends he can do it. Like if all my talking is annoying him, he does the "I Dream Of Jeannie" blinkie thing and tells me he had teleported himself to an alternate universe in which I have been temporarily fallen mute. He is so loving and supporting.

      I really really like the restaurant idea though! You should totally teleport to Zocalo in Chicago and get some amazing Mexican food with me. Ok?

      Delete
  18. Anonymous6/04/2012

    I want the ability to eat whatever I want and not get fat.

    xoxo!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes. You mean B.A.T.E.A.O.E.A.N.H.T.B.N.J.

      Or "Being Able To Eat All Of Everything And Not Have To Buy New Jeans" as invented by Kait above.

      Delete
  19. If I had that feet firmly planted on the ground super power I would just end up with broken ankles from falling over without my feet following me.

    My super power would be the ability to summon whatever super power I needed.

    Also, it's good to know other people think about teleportation as much as I do. Seriously, why has no one invented this? It would even be environmentally friendly and put the airlines out of business. Everyone wins here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's great! Like wishing for more wishes sort of. Which is what I always do when I blow out the candles on my birthday cake.

      Delete
  20. I actually choked on my drink when I read "unicycle accident". Now my desk is wet ... and my workmates may think I'm crazy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Success!! My sister must be extremely immune to my hilarity because when I said that in real life she was just ignored me.

      Delete
  21. I'm torn between teleportation and having the perfect memory.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. or "All Knowing" I like knowing things.

      Delete
    2. Oh yes. Omniscience would be amazing. Especially since then I would always know what Ryan was getting me for Christmas. I HATE surprises.

      Delete
  22. I have a pair of jeans that I wore a few years ago when I was obviously thinner. I've kept them in my closet with hopeful optimism. I've recently lost weight and tried those on with enthusiasm. They're still a little small. Stupid jeans.

    I think I would have the Force as my super power. It seems to bring a little of everything - even mind control with regard to 'weak-minded' people. I think that was Star Wars' way of saying stupid people and, occasionally, it seems like controlling stupid people would be AWESOME - such as the commenters who left the hate mail! It does qualify as stupid if you resent people to that extent simply b/c they aren't as miserable as you are. Yikes!

    Anyway, I'd have the Force - b/c it has a little of everything and b/c I'm a secret Star Wars nerd.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stupid jeans! (I have evil jeans like those too.)

      I was a secret Star Wars nerd when I was little. My dad all of my siblings and I the first movie to watch one weekend and I think I watched it twenty times. I died of happiness when he told me there were two more (at the time.)

      Delete
  23. A good staple superpower is power mimicry, the ability to absorb the power of another. If you had that then you'd never have to "choose"...:)

    My fallback power, for when I get bored of the Personal Density Manipulation, is the ability to create constructs or minions based on the tattoos I have.

    Yes, I really do think about this more than I should...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well now I MUST know what tattoos you have. It might be a pretty worthless power if you have like butterflies all over your back.

      Delete
  24. I totally want Mystique's powers from X-Men, I want to be able to morph in to any way I want to look...that would be super convenient for me being super sneaky!!! and awesome!

    My current super powers consist of making dinner out of nothing and convincing people that I'm from Russia.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I try to convince people I'm from England but usually fail miserably. Mostly because my husband says "No she's not" after I say "I hail from Leeds" in a perfect accent.

      Mystique is a popular answer...I'm going to have to watch X-Men again.

      Delete

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